Tuesday's Tears - Dreams & Hopelessness

"Does your dream seem hopeless?  Well, get ready!" (Taking a Minute - Jason Anderson)

This is where we are right now about baby #9.  I have scoured all possible resources.  I've read every single rule, statute, and policy related to family law in our state and most of the judicial process rules too.  I've talked to almost everyone involved in the case.  I've talked to almost everyone else I know in CPS about it too (generically of course, not violating confidentiality).  Everyone agrees:

• The kids should stay together
• We are not allowed to take the child through a private adoption
• We can only take the child through a CPS placement (foster care)
• There is no "right" for the state to take the baby in this case
• Parents could relinquish to CPS if they want upon birth
• CPS is required to take the baby if she chooses to relinquish to CPS
• CPS is "required" to try to place the baby with us
• This is all just ridiculous
• Threats have been made about what might happen if CPS is called when baby is born
• It doesn't have to be this way - CPS could accept a relinquishment upon birth (48 hours afterward) and place immediately with us. 

and finally...

This may just be one of those things that can't be solved.  We just may not be able to have the baby placed with us.  The baby just may have to be placed in a private adoption.

As we speak, everyone in the case is somehow being contacted.  By the end of the day, I'm sure everyone will know the situation and final lines will be drawn in the sand.  I am pretty confident those lines will end up being that baby will be adopted through a private adoption agency, not with us.

My husband and I have almost come to a place where we will be ok with that.  (honestly, he's probably more there than I am, but that might be expected I guess!).  We know, as God has proven to us time and time again, that His plans far outweigh ours.  If we would have been able to get everything the way we wanted it in the manner we wanted it when we wanted it, we know positively our life would not be nearly as amazing as it is today.  God has a plan for us.  We want that plan to honor Him and be a testimony to His works, not our own.

Letting Go of Mie - Here I am now, once again, struggling to let go of my own plan for my life (or, at least the plan that I thought was going to happen).  I'm almost there.  I'm almost at the point where I'm letting go control.  Letting go of the idea that we will raise this new baby boy.  Letting go of the idea that we will raise our little girl and her brother.  Letting go of the idea of having another baby to raise from birth.  Letting go of that pending adoption.  Surrendering.  I give up this fight.

The thing that I struggle with in Letting Go of Mie is where to "give up" on our dreams.  As an example - we've "given up" the idea that we are going to have our own biological kids 15-18 months apart like we'd thought, but we haven't given up the idea that we'd be parents to multiple children.  Actually, so far we've only given up that they'd be biological because we're pretty darn close to having 4 kids who are 15-18 months apart each (or something pretty close).  I'd given up on the idea of being pregnant again, breastfeeding, giving birth, but I'd still hoped that I'd have a newborn to raise again.  So should I give up on that idea?  Knowing that our little girl has an actual brother that is to be born soon, should I give up on the idea that they will be raised together?  Should I start questioning the idea that we will actually get to proceed with her adoption?  I suppose I need to start surrendering that as well.

As good as God is, I managed to briefly catch a segment on the radio this morning.  The link is above, but here it is again.  It was so timely even this morning before more of this began blowing up.  The point of the brief message was that Joseph was given a great dream that seemed unrealistic but achievable upon first receiving it, then impossible after the story unfolded (how could a slave thought dead by his brothers ever find himself being bowed to?), and yet he worked hard day in day out with what he was given until one day in a manner that I'm sure wasn't expected, God made the dream come true. 

I have to go back and read the story.  It seems I may have to do a good study on Joseph.  Did he give up on his dream?  Surely he went through these struggles.  Did he always trust or did his faith waiver.  Did he question God's plan, did he rebel against it, did he struggle with the plan God laid out for him?  I'd guess so...yet he was a faithful father. 

The point of the "Taking a Minute" excerpt is that in order for God to receive glory, the situation had to be hopeless - there had to be no way that the credit could be given to Joseph.  Isn't that true of us?  We've said that for a while - we have one of the most desolate infertility diagnoses out there - that doesn't mean we won't have kids but that if we do we know it was a miracle (as our son is).  So the situation we find ourselves in with our little girl and her brother (and all of ourother kids) is just more of the same.  It is possible that God has set all of this up for a "hopeless" situation so that everyone can point to God's glory when we adopt the baby boy. 

It is also possible that everyone will be able to point to God's glory when we do not adopt the baby boy and the rest of his plan unfolds. 

I suppose either way hope is in order.  Not necesarily hope that we'll be pregnant someday or home that we'll have an infant to raise or hope that (....).  Hope that comes from knowing God is good and in the end He will be glorified.  That we know.  I'm holding firm to the promise in a verse my friend gave me earlier on in this process as all the bumps began to appear:

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

Let it be.