Quick Updates - Quickness is Necessary

Dear Friends - I'm busy.  Super busy.  I mean, a full-time working mom to 3 (or 6) children is busy.  But right now I'm more busy than usual and behind.  I'm simultaneously trying to catch up at work (and keep afloat at the same time), work on a special project, write a chapter in a book about foster care, celebrate kindergarten graduation, correct really bad 3 year old behavior through attachment-related and therapeutic parenting and extra time at school and extra prayer and tears, and finally say goodbye to friends who are leaving out-of-state.  OH YEAH, and go through the process to actually bring the children we've been waiting 5 months for into our home.  It's been busy.

*Logan had his graduation today.  Fun times.  He still has to actually finish school (weird) but graduation was fun and we were able to make a day of it.

*Summer is about to get kicked out of preschool for her behavior.  She's done GREAT this week though, which is encouraging after we've been working SO hard at reversing the trend she's been on but we really need a miracle here. 

*We ARE moving forward with bringing the kids to our home.  We had a couple visits last week with just the hubby, myself, and the 3 new kids to start the process.  Then this weekend we had them all weekend.  It was wonderful.  Much better than either of us could have planned.  We do plan to have them move in with us very soon and we look forward to the day when they start graduating from the child seats because it takes 8 minutes to buckle the 6 children, all of whom are in car seats, into the car not to mention getting them all (and their stuff) out there.  Amen.

*Today I took my forever kids to the water park to celebrate Logan's graduation.  Except, they closed 5 minutes after we got there for a private event.  I wasn't nice to the person at the gate.  Lord forgive me.  So, because I have a ton of time on my hands and I couldn't bare to let the kiddos down and it was perhaps the last time I might get a chance to go with just the two of them, I drove to the next closest water park 40 miles away (and got lost several times to add to the time).  We had fun.  Then I drove another 90 minutes home (accounting for a dinner stop and gas and such).  Summer peed in her car seat and spilt an entire bottle of juice in the one next to her.  We have 3 car seat (covers) in the washing machine right now.

*We booked our trip to Sea World this year.  For a family of 8 for a 5 day vacation we are paying $1100.  That is $27 per person, per day if you were counting, including entry to the park (for every day, if we wanted), hotel, and most everything else.  Best of all - if for some reason the kids don't come live with us, we're not out any money (though our hotel room will be bigger than necesary, I suppose).  Of course that would bring our average to $44 per person per day.  Yes, we'd be happy to have a family vacation for 8 to Sea World.  You judge if we're crazy or not.  You're going to anyway.

*I've received several inquiries over the last two weeks for new readers who would like me to contact them.  Welcome new readers!  I DO want to contact you.  I'm going to as soon as I possibly can.  I'm not trying to ignore you and you are important to me.  Hang in there.  I'll do my best, really.

I'm also not pregnant, in case you were wondering.  So there you have it.

Moolah Monday - Vacation Planning Tips: Looking for Deals

This weekend I shredded some of those credit card check thingies that seem to come to our home in over-abundance. I’m always shredding them it seems. Yesterday, it was about 6 separate sets of them. As I did, the verbiage on one of them caught my eye. It talked about using the checks for all those unexpected things...car repairs, home repairs, travel...

 

No joke...travel was in that list and I thought how is travel possibly unexpected? I suppose there are times that you travel that you didn’t expect well in advance like we did when my dad was in a motorcycle accident and the outcome was uncertain or when my Uncle was murdered and we attended his services. But even then it’s not like I suddenly woke and found myself driving or flying somewhere thinking hmmm...how did I get on this journey – this drive is so unexpected? (and so forth...). I don’t know – the wording just struck mie wrong.

 

Bottom line – you don’t have to go into debt to travel and/or vacation. There are ways to plan to keep yourself from burying a hole that forces you to work even harder for the next year It may very well be difficult but the rewards are worth it.

 

I’ll leave that lesson to Small Town Joy because as I told you last week she’s the best at it. I do want to add a few tricks to her process that we use to help us plan.

 

We’ve picked up taking an annual vacation to visit Sea World in San Antonio. It’s a place we can drive to reasonably and we have SO much fun. So far we’ve been a family of 6 with 4 kids making the trip a challenge physically (trying to keep them all alive, you know), and financially. Here’s how we’ve done it:

 

• Research ahead of time to find the best deal – In our case, we found a local hotel that offered several things free when you stayed with them. When you purchased one room they added in gift bags for the kids when they arrived, free breakfast for 4 (normally like $20 per person), one free dinner, and free annual passes to Sea World. The price difference from a regular room was minimal (maybe $20) and more than paid for itself. We had to stay down there anyway and though we could have looked around for a cheaper motel or stayed with friends the price of the deal made it worth it. In other words – if we hadn’t stayed at that hotel with that deal we would have had to pay the same amount to get into the park for the day and wouldn’t have had the added bonus of free breakfast, goody bags, the hotel pool and accomodations, etc. We might as well have stayed in the hotel! I want to say we paid $150 or so per night, and we stay 3 nights.
• Consider the annual pass – Our annual pass came with our hotel but it made a huge difference! If you don’t find a deal like the one we found, look into it on your own. Many parks have some sort of season or annual pass that is the same price or only slightly more than the pass you would buy for a day. We used that to visit the park two days in a row. Most of the theme parks I’ve been to can certainly be an entertainment option for multiple days on the same vacation and Sea World San Antonio is no exception. Rather than attend multiple parks or tour multiple areas, we just camped out at Sea World for a couple days, seeing the shows, playing in the water park, and riding rides.
• Re-use the annual pass – if you do find a park you want to visit that has a reasonably priced annual pass (or free, like the one we found with our hotel room) pay attention to the time period it is good for. Our annual pass was good for a full 12 months from the time we purchased it. SO because we liked our trip so much we decided to vacation there again the following year. We just made sure to go back before our passes expired and as the dates went we were able to return about 4 weeks before they expired. This means through our planning and research we were able to visit Sea World on 4 different dates with 6 people without paying for a single pass. If you add up the hotel rooms for both years we ended up paying approximately $900 plus fuel, food, and bonus stuff (souvenirs, etc.). That’s $450 per year for a 4 day vacation for a family of 6 or $75 per person, including hotel and theme park admission. I’d say that’s pretty good.
• Determine what you’d splurge on, then do more research – Because our price for the vacation(s) to this point was pretty low, we decided to do a few more things to make our trip easier/more special/more cost-effective. For example, Sea World had a wristband program both years where you were able to pay an extra $40 dollars or so, which gave you the ability to go to the front of the line on several rides. We took advantage of that (for our kids who were old/big enough). This meant that it made our lives MUCH easier being able to take our bigger kids straight to the front of the line, quickly getting to ride the ride they wanted, without the other parent having to try to somehow entertain the littles (toddlers) in 100+ degree heat for however long it took to stand in the traditional line (usually they said 60-90 minutes!). That extra $150 or so for our family was definitely worth it. The second year we researched a bit on the cabanas they had available. For about $200 we purchased a cabana rental that included those wristbands, a cabana with a stocked fridge, towels (to keep), shade, a fan, (a place for the toddlers to nap!), dinner or lunch (2 pizzas and drinks), ice creams, sunscreen, and a private character visit to the cabanas for pictures and hugs. If you do the math, all of that “extra” stuff cost us $50 which was far less than those items would have been on their own (seriously – it provided for 2 meals for a family of 6 at a theme park – that itself is usually way more than $50). And, since we didn’t pay for the theme park tickets themselves, it seemed very much worth it to us to “splurge” there.

I will caution you to be careful with the “deals”. Not everything is a fantastic deal. For example – if we would have purchased the wristbands for all of our children automatically it would have been a waste – the wristbands were only good on some rides and my kids under 36” wouldn’t have been able to ride anything with them. Food plans can be a good deal but again you may not want to purchase for little kids or you may want to bring PB&J to cut the costs even more. As you do your research, really think about how much you can afford to spend and what would work for YOUR family.

 

I did spend an evening (several hours) researching the park website, hotel websites, travel websites, etc. to be able to find these deals, so you do have to factor that in but again if you look at the total cost we paid (about $800 total, per vacation, including the splurges), it was well worth it.

 

(This post was NOT sponsored - we just like Sea World THAT much).

Foster Parent Friday: Give Yourself a Break

My hubby and I got ourselves really busy this week to get our home in great condition to show to our new, temporary FAD worker (our caseworker, not for the kids) who was (finally) coming to get the show on the road for #16's siblings.  Everyone in this case is concerned about finding a long-term home for these kids, members of a large sibling group, and that is difficult to do.  They have been concerned from the beginning about these things and whether our home with then 6 children 6 and under would be acceptable.  Everyone has shown concern for my husband and I and whether or not we are indeed happy, not just ok, with this move.  That is one reason this all has taken time.

As we moved through the home cleaning room by room it was painfully obvious that some things had been ignored from an organization perspective.  There were several areas that had become dumping grounds and though the house was generally clean and safe for all of us, it just wasn't as functional as it could have been because of the abundance of clutter in some of the rooms.  Things just needed to be put away.

Things like the Christmas decorations.  I'm not sure if I posted this here or not but we didn't put our Christmas decorations away until St. Patrick's Day.  (and by away I mean most, not all, in boxes).  These boxes were left scattered in the office with things I'd purchased after Christmas for next year in bags or just left on the floor.  It was a mess.  Hence - we didn't go into the office.  Not going into the office means not putting boxes in the office away.  It wasn't going to get fixed.

The 'media' room was equally in shambles.  It had 3 beds in there and had been turned into a fort by the kids, where they had stored a bunch of toys and books from the playroom.

As my hubby and I finished up our cleaning (which we DID accomplish, finally), we looked at each other and shook our heads.  Could we believe we were finally putting the boxes away into the attic?

I made us stop for a second.  Yes, I could believe it.

The day after Christmas we welcomed a new baby into our home.  This new baby came straight from the hospital and was days old.  We had no knowledge of him prior to the call around noon on the 26th. 

I had to remind my husband and myself that we need to give ourselves a break.  In reality, there are very few parents out there who suddenly have a baby they had no knowledge about dropped on their doorsteps with only a couple hours notice.  Most moms giving birth have somewhere around 40 weeks (or at least 5-6 months) to plan for the arrival of their baby.  They're able to get a nursery ready and purchase the things they need and wash the clothes and all that jazz.  They're able to research childcare if mom is working, which wouldn't start until 6-8 weeks or so after the baby was born because mom would get to take time off, often paid by disability or savings that had been saved during pregnancy.  Grandparents or other relatives are able to plan to arrive to help the family with the new baby since they too had some knowledge.  Friends and family setup meals for those first few weeks and sometimes lend other support like cleaning the house or what not to help the mom adjust to the new baby.

None of that happened for us.  We got a new precious baby on Thursday.  I had already planned to take the next 5 days or so off for the holidays before going back to work.  Thankfully I was able to extend to 8 days or so pretty easily, but I went back to work with a 10-day old baby (whom, remember, I hadn't planned for...).  He was too young to take to childcare so we'd hurried to find a private nanny at $100 per day.  Do the math - that was just one of our children and not reimbursed by foster care childcare payments - we were on our own.  Speaking of childcare, I had to use those 8 days to hurry to find a childcare location who'd have a spot open for him when he was old enough (who also took state funding) - I hadn't had the time to put ourselves on a waiting list months in advance.  To help curb the cost of the nanny my hubby agreed to take full responsibility of the baby a couple days per week.  Those days were usually his days off when he would have taken care of things like taking down and putting away decorations or fixing the fence that blew over during a windstorm (yes. that happened during this time too).  We had no provided meals.  No help from grandparents (this is not a slam - just the truth - they had just visited a couple weeks before and it's unreasonable for us to think they could drop everything and pay outrageous last-minute airfare during the major holiday traffic time!).  It was just us, our little family with support from my sister who lives local (but also is a foster parent with her own brood).

But it didn't stop there.  Did I mention the ground was unusually covered with snow when the baby arrived?  Two days later we accepted 2 more kiddos who only spoke a language other than English.  These two attended a school different than the one the baby would attend weeks later.  A few days later we learned about the siblings.  5 weeks later I had to travel for a week for work and my hubby maintained the fort at home with 5 kids by himself.  3 weeks later our older two left.  2 weeks later another older two joined as a potential adoptive placement.  4 weeks later they left. 

In other words, since Christmas not only have we welcomed a surprise newborn but also 4 other children who have since come and gone.  (not to mention the emotional roller coaster of waiting for #16's siblings for the past 4 months).

Yes - I can believe we let the media room, which has a closed door and is separated from the main living area of the house, be built into a messy fort for 3 months or so.  Yes - I believe we didn't put away the Christmas decoration boxes into the attic until May.  We've also done some really important things for real-live human beings who needed a safe-stable (and fun!) family.  I know this was right.  On the other side I don't think we're going to hear "shame on you for leaving your Christmas decorations out a few extra months".  Nope. 

Lest you see this as a complaint let me acknowledge that we did, indeed, sign-up for this.  This isn't a rant about not having support from friends and family when we welcome OUR kids into our home.  There is NO bitterness there at all.  WE could have said no.  We didn't have to accept any or all of the placements we accepted in the recent past.  The point is not say "Woe is mie - feel sorry for us".  I would tell you we are FAR more blessed because we walk this road than the amount of work we have on our plate.

Instead - my point is to encourage you.  Stack of dishes in the sink?  It's ok.  That too-full closet you don't want to open?  You can get to it later.  Are your Christmas decorations still out?  (come on - don't leave me hangin here...).  It's not the end of the world.  Did you miss the church volunteer day because your kid was in the hospital for a week? 

Give yourself a break.  Really.  Keep on truckin and take care of it when you can but never forget that the road you are walking has impact far beyond whether your rose bushes were pruned well this past winter. 

Go on - pause. breathe. carry-on.

Working Mama Wednesday - Bonus Time 2013

A good portion of my income is made of my annual bonus. We always look forward to bonus payout because it helps us to check off a few things on our list that we'd wanted to do for the past several months but because of Christmas & New Year, both of which bring higher expenses for our family, we weren't otherwise able to do.  You know, all the exciting stuff like buying new tires where steel belts are coming through and replacing the fence at the rental house.  That being said, we always set aside a little money for each of us to spend independently on things we want.  It becomes a bit of a treat for us both to purchase something nice for ourselves without any guilt what-so-ever because all of our other expenses that we'd been putting off have been taken care of.  In this past this has meant things like a new Xbox360 for my hubby or new clothes/shoes for me.

This year my hubby new exactly what he wanted.  In fact, he knew exactly what he wanted for about 6 months and I give him super props for using self-control to avoid purchasing it earlier.  You see, our tv was 8 years old and on its last leg.  Hubby bought a 60" Sony as a bonus gift to himself after he hired on at his current job which was also his first "career-type" position.  He took great care of it and it served our family well while it lasted but unfortunately it had a problem where it was slowly turning blue.  Something related to the picture quality was actually melting so every time we turned it on or off the edge of the picture became a little more blue and we lost a few more pixels.  By the time the new year came around the damage to the tv was very obvious - every time you turned it off the screen looked more like the opening scenes of Star Wars (think "In a Galaxy Far, Far Away...) than it did a blank screen.  Those "stars" appeared during a show too.

I admit, even I was getting bothered by it.  Mie, the frugal one who doesn't care much about picture quality or screen size - I was pretty much ready to get a new one too.

So hubby researched and read and researched some more to figure out what he really wanted.  This is what we ended up buying, the day my bonus hit the bank.

And fun was had by all.  We even watched a 3D movie (well 2 of the kids did - that's all the glasses we have for now, which by the way doesn't work well when you have a 7 member family...).  Everyone's happy and the astronomical tv is headed upstairs to the play room for future use.

A few days later I had the opportunity to do some shopping of my own and buy the thing I was looking for...

These are close - I can't find them anymore online because true to self the shoes I bought were on clearance and are nowhere to be found online...

When I showed my hubby my purchase he said "don't you already have enough shoes?".  I quickly pointed out that I had 2, one for working in the yard and one for normal wear.  The ones for working in the yard I bought about 10 years ago...they are for working in the yard because I don't worry about how nasty they get out there, they are already that bad.  The other pair for "wear" are the ones I bought oh, about 5 years ago, the ones I bought to replace the others purchased 10 years ago.  I showed him where there was no more paint or materials in spots, where the sole is worn completely through in spots, etc.

I fully intended on ribbing him about here on my blog about the apparent discrepancy in our purchases and how I definitely didn't need a hard time from him on my purchase of a discount pair of shoes on clearance after 5 years (when he purchased a brand new tv with all the bells and whistles!), with my bonus.

That was, at least, until this happened:

Photo courtesy www.firehouse.com

Ok, so it really wasn't that bad but since apparently my hubby forgot to take a picture this will have to do.
Yes, I crashed my car.  Unfortunately I crashed my car into the rental car we had.  In my driveway.  While my entire family watched.  While our other car was in the shop waiting to be picked up from getting fixed after a freak accident led to its damage.  Yeah.  That.

So I guess we're even.

(Not) Having it All Together

Yesterday Kim over at It's a Vertical Life posted briefly on the challenge shoes place on their life at home.  In response, I pointed out how awesome I am at keeping our shoes organized, if I do say so myself.  She responded, cracking mie up.  Go check it out.  I love this woman - you should follow her.  Really you should and thank mie later.

So - here they are - our shoes all perfectly in line.

 And I say hush to all you Type As out there who are pointing out that they are NOT perfectly in line because they aren't lined up by size and color and why on Earth are mom's shoes in with the kids instead of in her ginormous shoe closet.  Hush I say.  I don't want you encouraging the Type A in mie to try and tear mie down from the inside.

So as you can see, I totally have this shoe thing down in my house.  The kids are pretty good at putting their shoes away like this when they take them off, or if not them at least when I remind them that they need to put their shoes away.  This is in our main hallway, across from the bottom of the stairs, kind of in the center of it all so my kids always know where their shoes are and they don't need to scatter through the house to go get their shoes from (closets, etc.) when we have -3 minutes to leave the house.  My shoes don't usually go there but I was cleaning up and lazy so they ended here last night.  We don't worry about how many shoes each kid has downstairs as long as they are nicely lined up here.  When they line gets too long (the length of the wall) we narrow down to 1 favorite per kid and put all the rest away upstairs in their closets.  Eventually the line gets long again and we start over.  This system works really well for us.

BUT, lest we get proud over at Mie's house, let me share with you what you see when you turn around 180 to look at the living room:

No, it's not as bad as it could be and yes some of that laundry is mie catching up from all of the stuff the boys brought with them last week when they joined us (seriously - each had 25-30 t-shirts, not counting long-sleeved or the stuff I have on the back of the couches needing to get hung up!).  If I'm honest with you - the couches look like this about 75% of the time.  I always have laundry going when I'm home.  I don't hate laundry - I actually like doing laundry if I don't have to put it away - but the reality is I don't have time to sit and go through the entire laundry cycle in one sitting.  So, it ends up looking like this.

BUT, notice the mantle.  Here's another picture in case you missed it:

"So..." you say...well, until St. Patrick's Day it looked like this:

Yes - those are my Christmas decorations still up through St. Patrick's day.  I'm mighty proud of myself for breaking down Sunday and getting them put away, finally. (in a box in the office, not actually upstairs).

Notice the laundry on the couch.  I have no idea when this picture was taken but I assure you those are different piles than what was there last night.  More proof that is really what my house looks like most of the time.  And, dear Type A, don't go comparing the mantle pictures closely and finding the snowman in the middle of my "After" picture.  Just don't do it.  Clearly I missed the snowman as I sat down to pat myself on the back for finally cleaning up Christmas 3 months later.  I won't tell you that I didn't even notice until I looked at the picture more than 24 hours later.  

Furthermore - if you look at my kitchen it looks like this:

That pile o' crap on the island has taken up permanent residence.  Like the shoes, when it gets too big to stay in one pile I go through it, weed it out to a bare minimum, and then start the cycle over again.  That is the 2nd or 3rd pile of dishes in the sink waiting to be done.  We fill the dishwasher at least once a day and the sink is kind of like a bus stop shelter for dishes waiting for the next load.  Hand wash?  Only my copper pots and pans and stoneware.  At least the dishes on the counter are clean and the visible counters are sanitized.

The turtle tank is the light to the right of the picture.  It is by sheer luck it's not pictured.  I'll go ahead and tell you the moss has started to grow...

SO, long story made longer - judge for yourself whether we have it all together.  Our house is safe and sanitized for the kids but I make no apologies for the lack of complete organization in my home if you stop by for a random visit - or really even if it's planned.  I choose to worry more about reading with my kids, taking them on outings, and letting them live their lives rather than pay attention to the color of the grout or whether the baseboards have been scrubbed recently.  My kids are happy and our family is in the perpetual process of healing.  That's just the way it is.

Recap: Preparing for, Accepting & Receiving, and Saying Goodbye to Foster Children

I have received several great questions recently about preparing for, accepting, and saying goodbye to placements.  I've started answering some and kept thinking it seems like I've written this before.  Alas, here are several posts to answer some of your commonly asked questions.  If you have more questions after reading some of these posts, just post them in a comment here or in the original post - I'll get your questions either way and will be happy to answer them as soon as possible.

Preparing for Placements
Preparing for Kiddos

Preparing Siblings


Preparing Siblings (Guest Post)


Accepting & Receiving New Placements
Deciding on a Placement

Questions to ask CPS when you get "a call"

More about Getting a Placement



Saying Goodbye
Goodbye Traditions

I sincerely hope this is helpful.  It's very helpful for me to know I'm helping others interested in foster care or adoption as I write this blog.

Working Mama Wednesday – Yes! You CAN Do It.

As a foster parent the thing I hear the most is “I could never do that” – it’s something all foster parents hear from time to time and causes mixed reactions.  I usually just smile but deep down it rubs mie the wrong way.  I am not special, no different than you, I just say yes when they call and do what it takes to love on these kids.

As a working mom the thing I hear the most is...you guessed it “I could never do that” – or its cousin “I don’t know how you do it”.  Regarding work it doesn’t bother mie as much as it does regarding foster parenting.  It does, however, make mie pause. 

The reality is that I truly do not comprehend how people say they “cannot” do it just as much as they don’t understand how I can do it.  I get up every morning.  I get my (5) kids ready.  I get them fed.  I put one on the bus and then start my 25+ mile commute that includes two stops at different daycares (three soon as baby baby starts attending yet another daycare...).  I drink my breakfast (a homemade chai latte) on my way.  I put my makeup on while stopped in traffic (I know...).  I work all day.  Sometimes I’ve made my lunch – other times I buy something.  I try to leave work by 4:45 or 5 and then start the race home to get to first daycare before it closes, 15 minutes before the second one closes.  It’s a tight race sometimes.  I usually get home between 6 and 6:30.  Hopefully my hubby and I have preplanned dinner.  After dinner there may be some playtime with the kids, depending on the time but basically it starts the nighttime routine.  Without the baby it’s 4 kids, 2 bedrooms, and at least one of them always has a meltdown.  When that is done there’s still baby to take care of, 1-2 loads of laundry, hopefully a shower for mie, and some more cleaning.  Like the dinner dishes.  I usually get in bed by 10:30 or 11.

This has been some version of my reality since I’ve been a parent.  I didn’t mention my hubby in there but obviously he plays a role as well (he’s home to welcome the bus in the afternoon, for example). 

The truth is, I don’t know any other way.  When people tell mie they can’t do it, all I can figure is that there is something in their life that they would have to give up that I don’t work into my routine.  Here are the things I would think of that I don’t do as much of:

• ·         Perfectly cleaned house.  It just doesn’t ever happen in my home.  But the basics are done most of the time.
• ·         Sleep.  Without the baby it’s usually 6-7 hours – with it’s usually about 4 with all of the waking up and disruptions from his noises.
• ·         TV shows & movies – I hear people talk about all these different shows they watch and if you ask mie if I’ve seen a particular movie chances are I haven’t.  I DO watch tv, almost every day, usually while I’m feeding the baby, folding laundry, or cleaning up the common areas.  I rarely sit down and watch tv while doing nothing else.
• ·         Exercise.  I’m about to start running again so I’ll throw that in a few times a week but otherwise it’s usually not a regular part of my routine. 
• ·         Beauty care.  I  try to fit in things like waxing, pedicures, manicures (home or not) here and there but the reality is I go 1-2 months between getting my nails done (or painting them myself) and I can’t remember the last time my eyebrows were waxed.

I didn’t mention weekend time or much interaction with my kids but the reality is that usually I’ll choose activities with them over chores every time.  We go to museums, play dodgeball weekly, color, play games, have movie night, and generally just be together.  Last night we started a science experiment where we are checking to see when a popsicle stick gets waterlogged.  It’s hanging on my wall.  I don’t sweat that there is a quart-sized bag of water hanging from my bulletin board (or that the calendar on my bulletin board is from 2011). 

So tell me folks – what is it that I’m missing out on?  Someday my kids will be out of the house (theoretically – they perpetually seem to stay about 2 years old!) and I’ll need to have a few things on my list to try out – you know, what normal people who “can’t” be like mie do...

I’m guessing I’ll need to clean more toilets and scrub my floors more.  Maybe catch up on scrapbooking?  

Moolah Monday: Planning for Christmas Presents with Large Families

I know many of you may be finished with your Christmas shopping already but I wanted to share our method of planning for and shopping for gifts in our household.  Creating a plan is a good way to ensure you purchase all the gifts you intend to purchase while having visibility into how much you're spending compared to budget.

Our family gifts on Christmas morning (immediate family) includes a present from Santa, a present from mom, a present from dad, and then each of the siblings trade gifts.  Mom and dad usually give bigger gifts than Santa.  After those three gifts are opened, one sibling will give out the gifts from them to all of the other siblings.  So we'll say "ok Logan, it's your turn to give your gifts.  Kids these gifts are from Logan!" and in his case now that he's older he's had a hand in picking them out.  Even the babies or new fosters will have a chance to give "their" gifts out, whether or not are big enough to pick out their gifts to give or physically hand them out.  When we don't have foster brothers and sisters we'll include the dogs as givers, but for the last few years we've had foster brothers and sisters so we haven't worried about that.  Additionally Santa will fill stockings and we'll have a present to open on Christmas eve.

Currently we have 4 kiddos in our home or 6 total family members.  Even if you're not great at math you can tell that our system can become complicated to manage AND expensive without a plan.  We use a matrix graph like the one shown here (I've drawn this out for you - we usually draw it out too) to help plan and then guide our purchases.

You can use this in several ways.  Here's my process:

1) Use the pink shaded areas (giving to you from you) to keep track of presents you think might come from the jolly old fellow himself.  This keeps those presents on your list without making it obvious in case little eyes should happen upon the list (of course it could be obvious to those little eyes if they see the list then see what they received from Santa later, but still, it gives you a chance to come up with a plan if you need to).

2) First things, first.  Set your overall target budget.  How much are you wanting to spend on Christmas gifts.  Note - this needs to be less than your total if you have other people to buy for (grandparents, coworkers, nieces & nephews, etc.).  Don't stray from this total budget amount unless you know where that money is coming from (extra in your budget, savings, etc.)...

The next step you can choose to do either A or B first - whichever makes you happy or works better for you.  We do A first so that's what I'll start with.  HINT - Use pencil. You WILL need to make changes.

3A)  Using your childrens wish lists, write in the presents you want to purchase for them & the estimated price.  You'll notice from Dad to Logan there is a Meep online tablet.  This is a real wish for our son despite the fact that we bought him a Leap Pad last year.  (Also note that we don't usually spend that much on one person, except I just told you we bought a Leap Pad last year so maybe we do...this year we'll be giving the Leap Pad to Summer as a gift for her since it's fairly new & Logan would get the Meep.  Shhh...don't tell him.)  You may fill in all of the boxes with their wish lists this way.  

3B) Write in how much you'd like to spend in each box.  So, I might say that since #14 is so young I'd like to keep each gift between $5 and $10 and fill that in for each of his gifts in row "#14" across.  

4) When there is an estimated OR allotted amount in each box, add up the total for each row (and/or column, if you wish).  You should now have a target goal for each person (received if you're using the total column, given if you're using the total row). 

5) Add up the total columns (or rows).  If you're total is LESS than the grand total goal (bottom right box) then you can make adjustments by spending MORE on one or more person (or keep the difference in your budget!).  If you're total is MORE than the grand total goal then you need to make adjustments by reducing the amount spent on one or more person.  Repeat steps 3-5 until your total for each person matches the grand total you wish to spend.  Note - you may not fill in the exact item for each box - as long as you have a target amount you're fine. but I recommend at least having the type of item (book, socks, movie, etc.) so you're not running through the whole store trying to think of SOMETHING.

NOTE - in our family we don't particularly care whether one child received EXACTLY the same $$ amount of gifts as the other kids in our family or not.  They are different ages and like different things so the amount spent might be different.  The amount given might also be different at this point since we're funding all of the gifts BUT the total given for each person could be useful if you have older kids who are buying their own gifts (something I recommend, as a lesson in budgeting AND giving).  Not to mention they need to be grateful with what they received not comparing to what everyone else received.  In any case you might be interested in this total by person concept to make them match exactly or at least know how much you spent, if you care.

6) Shop for the "MUST HAVES" on your list. Using a colored pen or marker, cross off the gifts as you put them in the cart.  VERY IMPORTANT - cross out the target price and write down the ACTUAL price next to it in the same box.  For example, I might find a MEEP on sale for $100.  I'd cross off the $150 and write $100 next to it).  Don't estimate - write down what the price tag says (or sale price if it is on sale). 

If you're purchasing a gift that is MORE than what you had planned, you'll have to immediately figure out which present you're making the adjustment to.  For example, I might find a MEEP for $165 dollars, which is $15 more than I'd planned to spend on it.  In that case I might erase the $25 for each of the other kiddos and put $20 each instead - that helps me make up the $5.  Or, I decide I don't want to cut money from my other kids to buy this MEEP so I find a different item, go shopping for it somewhere else, etc.

7)  Once you pick-up the "must haves" on your list, you can use the same process as in #6 to buy all of the things you weren't particular about.  For us these are the gifts for the younger kiddos who don't care and we can spend less on, if needed.  Realistically, last year we had a 16-month old and a 2 year old who didn't really care what they opened!  So we ended up spending $5 or so on many of their gifts to be able to afford the bigger gifts for the others (Xbox Kinect, Leap Pad, etc.).  

TIP- I drew this matrix to take up the whole sheet so you could see it.  You could either draw it smaller (or do it electronically) so you have room on the sides to write down other gifts you want to purchase or use the back of the sheet so you can have that with you while shopping.  You'll notice I wrote down the PJs (Christmas eve gift) on the side - I should write an amount.

The thing I like the most about this system is that it helps mie stay organized and on-track without constantly having to think back as to whether or not I got kid #1 a gift from kid #2 already or not.  It's also helpful when I (or the hubby *wink*) decides last minute to purchase a gift that would be way higher than what we can afford or intended to spend - we can easily regroup about the gift situation and determine if we want to cut from other places, not buy that gift, or pull from savings.  We can look across the landscape of gifts we're buying each other and make sure we're incorporating the kids wishes without going broke.  I also love that it doesn't matter what your budget is - you might end up with lots of $1 store presents if that's what you can afford - you can make this system work for you.  You *could* start this process much earlier in the year (for your forever kids anyway) and keep track of their wishes through the year that you might want to get them so you can look for things on sale or at least start earlier than I will be.  If you have more kids, add more rows and columns.  If you have less kids, it works there too.  You can put mom and dad on the list, or not, it's up to what works for your family.

(BTW - I won't be shopping for most of these gifts until, oh, the weekend before Christmas because that's how I roll and that's when we'll receive the paycheck that we've planned to cover Christmas gifts.  But honestly that's the way I like to do it anyway...nothing like staying up every night before Christmas wrapping presents!  I'm serious).

Hope this has been helpful.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Working Mama Wednesday - Why I'm Grateful I Worked Through College

If I haven't already said, I worked full-time while in college.  After getting about 5 hours of sleep last night I found myself thinking about it on the drive to work this morning.  I graduated with my Bachelor's degree 3 years after I graduated from high school - at least a year earlier than most of my classmates.  Since I was usually a year younger than most people in my grade that means I ended up graduating from college when I was 20.  It was a lot of work.

I am SO grateful that's the way it went down.  There are obvious reasons:

• I graduated & entered the job market when I was 20.
• I paid for 1 less year of college.
• When I did graduate I had enough practical work experience to land me a job that led to my current career AND paid really well for a new-college-grad starting salary (and, frankly, for most anyone's salary).  I mean - I was able to buy a house when I was 20 with my own money.

These are great reasons to have worked, full-time, through college but honestly they are not what I'm most grateful for now.  You see, working full-time through college taught mie SO much about life.  Looking back I suppose I didn't have to work full-time.  I went to a private university and my parents paid my tuition for the first 2 1/2 years (I paid the final semester).  They paid for mie to live in the dorms the first year and I lived at home the other two years.  I suppose I could have worked part time and made enough to get by.  I bought a new car in the beginning of my 2nd year of school and I suppose I could have not done that.  I could have taken out loans and lived on campus without a car.  I could have sold my car and bought another one that was more reliable but still used rather than buying a new one and lived at home.  I had enough of a safety net to fall back on at home and allow mie to take it a bit easier.  There was nothing requiring mie to do it all in 3 years.  

Except there was.  My parents instilled in mie a sense of personal responsibility.  Though I didn't have to and my parents didn't necessarily encourage it, I started working at 15 to help pay for my own things (including my first car and car insurance + a bit of spending money).  I wanted to help pay my own way - I didn't want to freeload on my parents forever.  (Not that living with your parents at 15 is freeloading). 

So when I turned 18 and had the chance to begin working full-time I took the chance.  I moved back in with my parents so I'd be closer to work a block away vs. 20 minutes from school.  I arranged my schedule so I had all of my classes on Tues & Thursday meaning I had to make the drive to school on those days and I worked during the day on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday and then either on Sunday or Thursday nights.  This allowed mie to go to church on Sunday mornings and maybe Sunday or Thursday night college group events (where my husband and I really started dating) but the rest of the time I was working, in class, or doing homework.  Literally, that's all I did.  

But in that I learned extremely valuable life lessons that come in really helpful today in the real world as a mom or a wife:

• Pay now/play later or play now/pay later - it's your choice.  You will have to pay one way or the other.  While friends, classmates, and coworkers were out partying or doing whatever they did, I was working either on school or at work.  But now I see where there lives are - many are struggling to get by, still wondering when they're going to catch their big breaks.  Many are struggling to pay basic bills in low-paying jobs because they don't have the skills (or discipline) to do much more.  Obviously this is not everyone's story and many of them have had things face them that were out of control but the point is that you will either pay now with lots of work or later with lots of work.  This life was not meant to be easy.
• I can do a lot more than most people think they can (but only for a time).  The ONLY reason I graduated in 3 years was because I felt I needed to with working full-time.  I didn't want to keep up that pace for a 4th year.  I came into college with a semester's credits behind mie due to AP classes/tests so after my 2nd year I realized I could take a heavy load including the summers and was able to finish a year early.  It took mega planning.  It took a lot of work.  I remember sitting for a week's vacation with my husband (then boyfriend) and his family doing nothing but writing papers.  Occasionally I took a break to take a sunset walk on the beach or eat a meal but for the most part I was taking care of a college class - actually 2 6 week summer classes in the course of a week.  
• It's no one else's job to take care of my family.  Yes, there may come a time (and has) where we've needed brief support - like family or friends baby sitting my kiddos while I work hard on a paper.  Though we all need help from time to time I realize it is not everyone else's responsibility to pay my way or do my work.  It is my husband and my responsibility to provide for our family.  It is our responsibility to clean the house and do laundry.  To pay bills.  To teach our kids.  To cook dinner.  etc., etc.  So, when I do need to ask someone to help I do so humbly and respectfully, knowing they are providing a huge benefit to our family in helping not because it is their obligation but because they are gracious people who deserve my respect and appreciation.

So yes, I worked really hard in my late teens and early 20s and it has paid off financially.  I'm grateful for that but it's the practical lessons I learned from those experiences that really has given mie a leg-up on life.  

As I now sit facing 30-45 more days before I defend my dissertation, knowing it is not yet finished and therefore I need to work really hard daily on it, even though I have a more than full-time job and 3 kids, a husband, and a home to care for, I'm benefiting greatly from these lessons:

a) Pay now - Every day I have to make the conscious decision to work, work, work.  30-45 more days and I can play and celebrate and will truly be done with school, finally (with the exception of formalities).  This means I have to forgo watching my favorite shows that distract mie.  I can't sit at night after the kids go to bed and do my crafts or work on house projects that I want to complete or take a nice bubble bath.  If I work really hard now I can get this piece behind mie and I know the reward of being done instead of having this hang over my head will be worth it.

b) Do a lot more (but only for a time).  Until I'm finished writing & editing my dissertation I will likely be up until midnight or 1 every night getting it done, that's after a 10-12 hour work day and 3-6 hours total with the kids each day, and 1-2 hours of housework.  I'll be getting 4-5 hours of sleep a night.  I won't be able to get everything done and the upstairs playroom might not get cleaned for a while.  I know that I can do this.  I keep telling myself (literally) that I can do anything for 30 days.  I know I can.  And to that end its because I know the reward of being done will be worth it.

c) It's no one else's job.  Though I can leave some things undone for a while (like finishing painting the guest room or cleaning the carpets in my bedroom), I can't just let things go completely.  In the end my relationship and health of my kids and with my husband are much more important than finishing my degree - I have to spend at least some intentional time daily nurturing them.  I can't just not do laundry.  I can't not clean the kitchen.  It needs to be done.  However, it doesn't need to be done as meticulously as I would if I had nothing else to do.  And, it doesn't HAVE to be done by mie.  I can reach out humbly and ask for help.  I can ask my husband to pitch in to help in areas where I usually do something but could use his help.  Not only does it get things done that I couldn't do myself, it gives mie a chance to communicate my needs to others and build that part of our relationship better.  It also gives mie a chance to show sincere appreciation to those in my life who are willing to step in and help. It's made mie pay conscious attention to the things that need done, can be put off, and can be done by others.  It's made mie pay conscious attention to how I treat those I love in my life and how I'm showing them gratitude.

Basically, I'm more efficient with life.  I'm less-selfish.  I'm getting more important things done and forgetting about things that are more frivolous (like So You Think You Can Dance and cleaning the toilets - hehe - really my toilets are clean).  I'm learning I can make mistakes and ask for forgiveness when I do.  I'm actively prioritizing things and people in my life in the right order (see the previous mistakes sentence).  

If you're a parent of young kids like mie and wonder what will happen when your kids go to school and how you'll pay for it all and wanting to help them not work - just remember that working isn't all that bad necessarily.  Balancing some level of work with other things in life teaches our children responsibility that will truly benefit them as adults.  Though I won't be forcing my children to work full-time through school if they don't have to, I will be trying to make sure they are contributing to their financial situation if for no other reason than to learn self-responsibility and accountability for their actions, priorities, and behaviors. 

Foster Parent Friday - Why Birth Order isn't THAT relevant

I had a bit of an epiphany recently. 

Before I get into it (as if you couldn't tell from my title) I want to point out that I don't think this is an epiphany I could have understood without being an experienced foster/adopt mom. 

When we went through the incessant questionnaire also known as the home study process, we said we needed to keep our son the oldest.  I think that's fairly common philosophy out there for a few reasons.  First, there's a strong natural belief in the effect of birth order and, as a result, the impact changing birth order in a family can have on individual members and the family unit.  Second, there's typically a strong bond between parents who wish to foster/adopt and any forever children they already have.  This was our situation.  Our son was the firstborn.  He was used to everything as an only child/firstborn.  We wanted to preserve that role for him in our family.  So though we agreed to get licensed for children 0-6 years old and our son was only 3 at the time, we said we were only interested in accepting kids 0-3.  We wanted Logan to remain the oldest.

As time went on we had 11 (now) kids.  All have been younger than Logan, preserving birth order in our family.  We had an opportunity once to take a 7 year old but since our license only allowed up to 6, we couldn't accept that placement.  So we had a lot of kids younger than Logan by at least 1 year.
While that is all well and good I realized that we were not considering something that I think most people considering birth order overlook.

Though are son has always been in birth order, all but one of our 11 children have been out of birth order in our family.  You see, with the exception of #5/#6 who had an older brother who had not been removed (because the family took him out-of-state), all of our kiddos were 1st and/or 2nd born.  When they came to our family and Logan was the oldest, they ended up being 2nd and/or 3rd born. 

I'm not sure what the impact was on the younger of sibling groups if any.  I actually think in a way this was beneficial to them because it reduced some of the sibling rivalry and fight for attention with their birth sibling that had previously existed in their home of origin because of their sibling's first born status.

The impact on our 1st born placements has been clear, especially with the older ones.  They have clearly been used to being the oldest, the favorite, the bigger kid, the one who gives the orders in th ehome.  Some of this was a result of poor parenting for sure but much of it had to do with their experience as 1st born.  Then they are removed from their home, thrust into the lives of strangers, and now they don't know how to interact with an older sibling in the family.  It is a foreign concept too them that they aren't really sure how to handle.

This is the case in the majority of cases I've seen.  In the ones where siblings are separated for some reason though the birth order may have been maintained the sibling group was broken up causing at least equal concern and trauma. 

I'm left with the question - which birth order is more important to keep?  I could squint and see the argument whereas since foster placements come and go maintaining the birth order for your forever children is more important - it helps keep stability in the lives of your forever children.  Honestly though I'm left strongly believing that I can't ethically choose birth order for one child over the others....if its important for one child isn't it equally important for another? 

Since it's impossible to keep birth order for all kids without separating a sibling group I've decided that birth order can't really matter in the decision process to accept new placements.  Do they need a home?  Can we help them heal?  Can we keep all of our family members safe?  Does God want us to accept the placement?  I think these questions are much more important.

With that in mind we've inquired about a sibling group with an older child.  This is the first time we've ever done it and though we're not believing strongly that these are "our" children to adopt, we are open to looking into it more and are trying to be open about what we could and should do in our home independent of preserving birth order. 

Waiting - Placement Calls and other...

When I had 4 moles dug out of my back and stomach last week the doctor and his assistant reiterated about a million times:

We will have the results Tuesday or Wednesday.  We always call...no matter what we always call.  We'll call until we talk to you.  We're kind of annoying.

It is now Thursday, I haven't heard a word.  I called yesterday afternoon but got their voicemail.  Since I was headed to another round of endless meetings I figured it wouldn't help to leave a VM - they'd call when they'd call.

Hmmm.

We went on the placement list 2 weeks ago tomorrow.  No calls yet.

So I sit waiting except I don't really "sit" ever, especially waiting.  I am kept pretty busy with the things of life and when I do find a moment to not be preoccupied I find something to preoccupy mie, like mopping, endlessly checking Facebook, or staring at the phone as if to will it to ring.

I'm having a hard time being patient, not for worry's sake but more to get on with things whatever they may be.  I'm trying to learn to enjoy the moment. (and finish my dissertation).

(To make matters more comical and/or interesting, I downloaded an app for my son that plays "cop noises" -  sirens and the sound of code being sent over the radio and such.  Somehow the sound of the officer talking over the radio was exchanged for all of my otherwise unassigned ringtones so I sit waiting for the quite startling sound of a police officer suddenly speaking over the radio.  Lovely. I could change it, but apparently that hasn't been one of the priority things to preoccupy myself with because its been that way for a few weeks and I've done nothing.  To put it in perspective, the only other sound coming from my phone as a ringtone is my son saying "Mommy can you please pick up the phone it's daddy", which was my husband's attempt to get mie to answer the phone more often when he was calling.  He figures I can't ignore my son's voice.  He's right.)

Waiting for a placement has got mie thinking - when have I received calls in the past?  Is there a more popular day or time?  I've already done a post on how long it takes to get a new placement but this is a different spin on the same topic - waiting and the torture it brings.  So, here's the analysis (by placement)

#1 - Saturday night at 11:45 pm.  They arrived at about 1:30am.
#2 - Tuesday night at 6:00pm.  He arrived at about 7:45 pm.
#3 - Thursday morning at 9:59 am (precisely).  I had a phone interview scheduled and I thought the ring was the interviewer except it wasn't - 2 minutes later the interviewer called and I had to postpone the interview.  She arrived around 1pm I believe.
#4 - Thursday night at around 6:30pm - I was in class.  This is the first and only placement where my husband answered the initial call.  They arrived around 9:45pm - they were from far away.
#5 - Friday at around 3:30pm - the same day #4 went home.  They arrived the following Wednesday during the day, I believe.
#6 - I honestly cannot remember when the placement worker called me for these two.  I believe it was Thursday but might have been a Wednesday.  It was during the day because I remember talking the caseworker while I was at work.  So weird.  I do know they came the following Wednesday at around 4pm.
#7 - ???

I've told my husband that I can't picture getting another call.  I know it's strange but I just can't imagine what it will be like if/when CPU calls.  So strange.

Of course that made mie think that it's been over 2 years since I answered a CPU call with an emergency placement - #4 was an emergency placement but hubby answered that call and the one before that was #2 - all of the others since have been transfers from other foster homes. - Just another interesting tidbit I ponder while waiting...

Back to the core...

#9 & #10 went home this morning. They were supposed to be picked up at 9 in order to get them to their mom at 10. At 8:15 I got a call from the transporter who was at their school (with a bit of a 'tude, I might add) wondering where they were. I explained I had the agreement to come to my house at 9 in writing and she agreed to wait a few minutes before coming over.

 As a side note, caseworkers always seem to be late when it comes to everyday stuff but without fail when it comes to sending them home they are always early. What's that about?

We quickly wrapped things up, took our last picture together as a family, and walked them to the door when she arrived. She insisted we let her take them outside instead of us helping her get them to the car - this really upset mie, not because I needed to help her in the car but we ALWAYS stand together as a family on the porch and wave goodbye to the kids as they leave. ALWAYS. Frankly she couldn't really tell mie I couldn't do that in my own house but I wasn't up for a fight so we said goodbye and closed the door.

That's always a surreal moment. At one minute we have 4 kids. The next we have 2. One minute they're our family, the next we might never see them again.

My daughter asked repeatedly where the kids went and when they were coming back. Since then it's been a melancholy day. My son kept asking where everyone is, meaning the people who were supposed to be here (not the kids who left). Eventually we figured it was just so much more quiet than we're used to.

So we went to Chick-fil-A for lunch. It's not quiet there.

 Then we went to Target and bought this:

We set this up in the 105 degree heat.  As we did we watched as a summer storm was developing and inching closer, threatening to ruin or at least delay our plans to enjoy this thing.  Eventually we decided it was ok to go ahead and let the kids play, my daughter and son and my nephews, since there was no lightening in the immediate area.

I sat here on the porch, enjoying sitting with my mom who was in town, watching the kids just play and play and giggle and have a bunch of fun.  No chaos.  No screaming.  No little tiny kiddos I had to sit with in the water or help up and down the slide.  Just them having fun and mie sitting back watching.

See mie watching?

(See the unlocked can of mosquito spray?  The joys of an "empty" home.  I should have put it on too because I got a dozen bites that afternoon and I'm highly allergic.)

It took forever for mie to figure out how to take this picture with the iPad.  It's not mine - unless you consider that everything that is my husband's is mine too.  

It took even longer for mie to get this picture on this post - 2 weeks to be exact.  Apparently you can't just take pictures from the iPad and post using blogger...

2 weeks.  We took a week off before going back on the list.  We enjoyed every minute of it (and tried to clean some too).  Another week has passed.  No calls.  No new family members. 

Just us, enjoying our core family.  As always we could get a call any minute to take in some new kiddos.  We'd probably say yes.  But for now, we're happily living as a family of 4.  It's easier that way.  

But easy isn't always best.  Here's to enjoying a break and preparing for the foster care circle o' chaos that ensues with a new placement. 

You know...things like putting away that can.  I promise I'll put it away before I get a placement.  

You Can't Have it All..

...but you can do more than you think!

I'm currently in the process of assuming a new role at work.  It's been almost two months now but half-way in my department and another were consolidated and I assumed responsibility for the combined group.  Even if everything was running smoothly prior to the consolidation that alone (along with a new leader in both groups) would be enough to manage but on top of that most of the team are new in their role, restructuring and infrastructure improvements are necessary, and there is a very heavy workload in my organization right now for great reasons.  The bad news is - it's a lot to manage right now.  Even if I worked 20+ hours a day I'd still have work to do.  So I'm learning to be content without perfection, which is quite a task for mie.  The good news is that I love what I'm doing and the craziness of it all.

So after an 8-9 hour day literally so full of meetings and work I'm not always taking the chance to eat, 2 hours of commuting, and pick-up/drop-off times at pre-school I come home pretty tired.  Then we eat dinner, spend time together, and we're trying to focus on getting our house spic-n-span and organized before new kids arrive so we're doing some of that here and there.  You know, stuff like steam cleaning the car seats (all 7 of them!) because after removing the covers to wash them we found they were NASTY underneath.  Or, stuff like finishing painting my son's room, something that was started according the date on the paint can nearly a year ago.  Oy.

This week happens to be kids week on Jeopardy - you should check it out.  This show has a long history in my family growing up and though we're not as dedicated to it as, say, our dad is we have all learned to enjoy it, including Logan.  So - add in Kids Week Jeopardy on Skype from 9:10-9:40pm, so we can watch it with my parents, literally on their tv.  It's been a blast.

Between dinner and now there have been at least 3 possibly 5 requests for snacks.  Summer goes to bed within 90 minutes of dinner time so you know the requests haven't come from her.

After all the excitement its 10:15 before we get Logan to bed, at which point I finally have the opportunity to turn on my laptop and work on my dissertation - something that is necessary if I want to graduate in December but definitely not my favorite activity at the moment.  I'm staring down the next 45-60 days that are all I have left to finalize my dissertation, get it edited, and defend it.  Lord help me.

I've been working on it until 12:30am or so.  Add in random text conversations till 3am with someone I know who's struggling with something right now, setting off the house alarm when trying to let the dogs out, and the 3rd night antics of the son who insists on sleeping on top of mie rather than just in my bed, and you can imagine I'm not getting much sleep.  My alarm is set for 5:30-5:45am.  I'm tired.

This post said it well.  Of course at first I thought "...no, I really couldn't just do it (run)...and I wanted to be defensive" but that is missing the point.  People ask us all the time how we do it.  All. The. Time.  The answer is...



You. Just. Do.  If something is important to you, you figure it out.  You sleep less.  You don't do other stuff.  You prioritize important stuff.  You deprioritize other stuff.

So next time you find yourself thinking "I could never...(insert your big hairy audacious almost goal here)", make sure you follow it up with "because EVERYTHING else I do is much more important".  Need help?  Here are a few I can think of...

"I can't foster, my fear of giving them up is much more important than taking care of a child who doesn't have a family right now".
"I can't be a foster parent, managing a consistent, reliable schedule is much more important than taking care of an orphan (temporary or permanent)."
"I can't adopt, my comfort with my current small, easy to manage family is much more important than giving a child a family forever".

I could go on.  You may find yourself in the same position I was when I read the other blog I linked to earlier, defending your inability to add something to your plate.  I say, as long as your "I can't...because XXXX is so much more important" is something you can live with, then you have nothing to worry about.  If you're honest and find that you can't foster because you have more important things to do like watching The Bachelorette and getting pedicures regularly, try picturing yourself telling that to the child who is sleeping in a shelter tonight because there wasn't a home open when he/she came into care.  Imagine telling that to the children who were split up and sent to live in separate homes because no one was willing to take siblings.  Imagine telling that to the child sent to the abusive/neglectful foster home that was just looking for cash.  (You could use this for things not related to foster care...like try telling yourself on your death bed that you never got that degree you always wanted because you needed to keep up with The Bachelorette).  You get the point.

You can't do everything.  I can't do everything.  I have to say no.  You have to say no.  Let's just be sure we're saying no to things we can't do because the things we're saying yes to really are THAT IMPORTANT.

Working Mama Wednesday - The New Office

It took about 5 weeks after I started my new job (which, by the way, was about 6 weeks after I accepted the position) to get my new office.  During the month of June, primarily, I was working back and forth between where my team was located on one floor and where my temporary office was located on a completely different floor.  Once my office was ready it took another week to get my stuff moved by the movers - that stuff included my files, books, office supplies, food stash, and my phone with my phone extension attached.  It was a long wait.

Once all my stuff arrived I was so unbelievably busy, literally I didn't eat for 2 or 3 days, I didn't have time to move in.  That left me with a new office, 7 boxes, and 1 crate sitting in my office waiting for me to unpack for nearly a week.  I made slow progress, maybe a box or so a day, partly because I was busy and partly because I now have a new office setup and had to think about how I wanted things organized.

This meant I wasn't organized.  I had have papers all over the place, trinkets that are unorganized, and just piles of stuff laying around.  I did, however, get my pictures up as quick as possible along with the little notes from my son and husband I mentioned here.  Those little things are so important to me.

With the addition of the pictures people are now stopping by to mention how much my office is getting put together and how it feels a bit more like home.  

To which, seeing all the piles of unorganized crap, I affirm that yes, indeed, this is what home looks like :)

Working Mama Wednesday - Field Trips

As a working mom I try very hard not to miss the opportunities to spend time with my kiddos while they're at school/daycare or extra curricular activities.  I've been very fortunate that I've had the flexibility to arrange my work schedule so that I could volunteer in their classrooms, chaperon field trips, and attend performances.

Two weeks ago I went with my son on a field trip to a ranch in the woods that the school put together to celebrate kindergarten graduation.  We went swimming, had lunch, and I rode a school bus for the first time since my last high school swim meet.  He chose to sit next to mie on that bus on the way to the ranch.  It was special times.  I know as he gets older there will be less opportunity for mie to do these things - both because they will go on fewer field trips and because at some point he won't want his mommy going with him.

Last week I attended his kindergarten graduation in the morning, then stayed with him for the special brunch provided for the kids and parents, played a few games with him, and then took him with mie to work for the rest of the day.  I had to move my office that day so I used him as a special helper to transport things from desk to desk.  We also took a trip to the food trucks where after he ate two snack size snickers and a full size snickers he ate a snow cone instead of a real lunch.  Yes I'm the mom and am in charge so I fully blame myself for those choices.  I will cherish those memories and I hope he does too.

I started my new position officially this week which means I have to be a little careful how often I'm flexing my hours or taking time off.  I have 4 weeks vacation each year so I can take time off but still I plan to prove my ability to do my job before I show up late or take time off each week lest I appear lazy (in my job) and entitled.  In the next two weeks I already have court, dentist appointments (that are late...), and an ENT appointment with #10 that have been scheduled for months and I can't reschedule so I'll already have to watch how often I'm coming in late, leaving early, or taking full days off.

Unfortunately, that means I'm missing a very big field trip today, which is making mie really sad AND nervous.  My son is going to Six Flags, a major theme park, today with his school.  He's 5 and has never been there before.  He's really nervous about going because someone told him he'd have to ride the big rides (which isn't true at all) and he's used to doing stuff like this with his mom and dad.  We know he'll have fun riding the smaller rides (the group he's in), he knows what to do if he gets lost (he's known his full address since he was 18 months old), and I trust this school (not all schools) to take really good care of him.  At the end of the day besides being tired, I know he'll be happy he went.  Nevertheless I wish I could be with him and I hate that I couldn't go.  In all honesty if I didn't have so many multiple-people meetings today I would have rescheduled the meetings I initiated so that I could have gone.  I tried looking into that option yesterday to see if I could make it work, even if it was for a half-day, but I could not.

So I'm sitting here at work genuinely looking forward to the great day I have ahead of mie at work but wishing that my meetings mysteriously get canceled so I can run off to join my son at the theme park.  Wouldn't that be cool?  I doubt it will happen and I'm not at all dressed for a day of roller coasters but I'd make it work if these meetings disappeared.

*Hand to forehead* - I just realized I forgot to put sunscreen on him!  *sigh*

Foster Parent Friday - Preparing Forever Siblings for Foster Children

Q: As a potential foster parent with children of my own- how do I prepare them for being foster-siblings? Do I instruct them about privacy and such? I have a 4 year old, 8 1/2 year old and a 11 year old- all boys.

A: When we began the foster parent journey our son was about to turn 3.  He turned 3 a couple days before our first PRIDE class and was 3 ½ when we got our first kiddos.

I personally think for him this was a perfect age.  He was old enough to become a big brother (2x with one placement) and to talk through some of his feelings about things yet he was too young to understand all of what trauma means with kiddos.  Having siblings was novel and cool, except when they were playing with and possibly breaking HIS toys, and yet we were able to work with him to find alternative strategies (keeping a handful of special toys up high where littles couldn’t get them and sharing the rest).  I do think it was a perfect time for our family. 

Our son had been asking us for siblings and making up imaginary brothers and sisters for a while but we couldn’t give him those siblings through birth due to infertility so we knew he thought he wanted siblings.  He didn’t have a good grasp on where babies came from and so the concept of them being literally dropped off on the door step seemed a completely reasonable option.  When my husband and I decided to begin the process we started talking to Logan about the possibility that brothers and sisters might come but we did so sparingly and in ways such as “won’t it be cool when we get to go to the park with brothers and sisters” or “it will be so much fun to garden with brothers and sisters”.  It was simple.

When our license came we began to talk to our son a little more frequently about the possibility of having brothers and sisters.  We’d ask him what he thought (a few times a week) about having new brothers and sisters.  We’d ask him if wanted to share a room with them or if he wanted them to sleep in another room.  We asked him questions about how brothers and sisters would fit into HIS life since he really wasn’t able to comprehend how he could fit in their life.  We did not talk to him about the trauma they might have experienced or privacy or aspects of abuse.  We had already built communication in our home about things people should and should not do, like touching private areas and such, and so we did not make a big point of associating bad behaviors with brothers and sisters (from foster care) by telling him “if your foster brother touches you in a private spot what should you do…”.  We just continued to reiterate general principles with him at an age appropriate level.

We got our first call at 11:45pm on a Saturday night.  If you’ve heard the story, you’ll know that I had forgotten about the possibility of a placement and when the phone rang I was a bit cranky with my hubby, thinking it was him calling, even though he knew I had JUST gotten Logan to sleep.  Turns out it was a CPU worker with a placement and I apologized to my hubby even though he didn’t know I was upset with him J  Oh, and my nephews and niece were spending the night that night.  The reason I bring this up is that I did make special preparations for the arrival of the new placement because of how late it was when they arrived (1:30am).  I was concerned about how my son would react waking up in the morning to a new crib and baby in his bedroom so before the kids arrived I moved our son into our bed.  That way we knew he’d see us before he saw the kids and we’d have a chance to explain to him that brothers and sisters came while he was sleeping.  In his mind – that’s how they came – while he was sleeping one night.  Our crib was in storage at my sister’s house so I called them to bring it over so we could put it together before the kids arrived.  They went ahead and took my nephews and niece home so that we didn’t have to worry about them while adjusting to the new kids.  

The rest of the placement went fine.  We told our son that the kids’ parents were not able to be a good mommy and daddy right now, that they were sicky and trying to get better.  That’s our general line to explain the reason for foster care to little kids.   We explained steps in the process to him in age appropriate ways as things went along.  We explained that we didn’t know how long they’d stay, that they might leave sometime, but that he would always stay.  We said that a lot.  We thought it was sufficient.

When our kids finally did go home it was right after we moved to a new house, I’d broken my ankle, my best friend (his best friend’s mom) died, my husband’s grandfather died, and our car broke down all in a matter of a week.  It was an eventful week (that didn’t stop there…check out the “One Year Ago Today” series if you want to hear more).  It was chaotic at best.  Life was crazy.  My hubby and I were surprised that they were leaving but didn’t have many more tears to cry by the time they did leave.  Nevertheless from the time we heard they were going home we started preparing Logan – telling him that they’d be going to live with their grandmother but he would always stay with us.  On the day they left we took pictures, got all their things together, and threw them a little going away party.  The caseworker arrived early, while the party was still going on, and so we rushed a little bit to get them finally ready to leave.  As I was taking one of them to the bathroom my little Logie came in to the restroom, really brave, and said “Mommy, if I have to go now I will”.

My heart stopped.  Despite all the prepping we could have done he STILL thought he was going to have to leave us.  I told my mom to handle the leaving foster and took my son aside.  I reiterated to him that he would ALWAYS stay.  Brothers and sisters might come and go but Logan would ALWAYS stay.  He would NEVER have to leave with them.  This became something we continued to repeat to him until he got it fully.  It didn’t take long – after the first placement left and he did in fact stay he seemed to understand that he would always stay even if the others left.  It became our mantra with any other placement.  In fact, when we began talking about Summer’s adoption he was super excited because she would be a “sister who stayed”.  (one day soon, as she gets a bit older, we’ll have to go through this with her too – showing her she will always stay).

Since then we’ve had 10 kids and 6 placements.  We’ve learned a lot more about fostering and so has our son.  With all that experience in mind I’d recommend the following:

• Emphasize that kids will come and go but your forever kids will stay forever.  Be prepared to have to reiterate that with them when a placement comes and goes.
• Figure out how you want to explain foster care.  We used “sicky” and still do for younger kids.  If your kids are older, think now about how much you want to share with your forever kids.  We wouldn’t share the details with our kids, probably even if they were older, but as they get older they can and should learn more.  For example, many of our kids have experienced neglect because of parental drug use.  We tell Logan, who is fairly advanced for his age, that the mommies & daddies didn’t do xx (feed them enough healthy food, protect them enough, etc.) and we are now introducing the concepts of drugs to him but we’re not going to tell him that they are addicted to crystal meth or cocaine and that the kids were found playing in a storm sewer (I made that up…).  
• Use teachable moments based on the age-level of your child.  We watch the news about once a day in our home, at least some of that time is when the littles are watching (like when we’re getting ready for school in the morning).  Sometimes we mute the tv if it is a story we don’t want our kids to hear, but most of the time we leave it alone and use the stories as a teachable moment.  Check out this post for an example.  We look for all sorts of examples to reiterate the purpose of foster care, adoption, and why they both need to exist so that it is a normal thing in our home, not something taboo.  It also helps build a relationship with our kids so that when they hear things like that in the news or when people ask them questions at school, church, etc., they feel free to bring those concerns to us so we can talk about it in our home.
• Discuss abuse & neglect in age-appropriate ways including what to do if/when your children witness unacceptable behaviors.  Our son Logan is too young to sit down and explain more advanced topics of abuse but, as I pointed out, we discuss private areas and have setup the “emergency scream” (with practice!) in case of stranger danger or other abuse situations.  Older children should have more explicit conversations.  As noted here, my sister sat her children down (they are 10 & 12) to talk about more explicit abuse the children may have faced along with behaviors they may see in foster children (or children at school) that are unacceptable.  As a result of this conversation, one of my nephews mentioned behavior he’d witnessed in one of my foster kids that he didn’t know he should report to us.  The purpose of these conversations is to build open dialogue between you and your kids so they know what is unacceptable and that they can come to you with their concerns. 

Finally, be prepared to not have all the answers.  Things will come up that you didn’t know to talk about.  Things will surprise you, so they’ll surprise your kids.  The best thing you can do now is to build a solid relationship with your forever kids so that as a “core family” you can learn to go with the flow together as much as possible – so that you can have those conversations together as things come up – so they know they can come to you when weird things happen or when they have a concern.  The more you do that the better prepared you’ll all be to work together as a foster family.

One final thing to mention – we try to be as involving as possible with our kiddos in the whole process.  When we have a spot open we talk to Logan about whether he wants to have more foster kids.  He doesn’t get to decide but it helps us to know where he’s at and talk to him about our family.  When we get a placement call we include him in the decision, going as far as calling him at school to tell him we got a call and ask his thoughts about it.  Again, he doesn’t get to make the final decision but we try to let him know that he is part of our family and gets to have his voice heard in our family’s journey through foster care.

I am going to have a guest blogger (Kylee from Learning to Abandon) answer this question next week.  She is a sister in a foster/adopt family and blogs about her experience as a foster sibling.  Tune in next week to hear her perspective!