Thankful Thursday - Random Support

Have you donated yet?  Well, you should.  Click on the Donate button on the top-right of my page to support Cherub Mamma fight for her family.

As you probably could tell from my last post, now that we're theoretically getting closer to welcoming our newest family members, baby baby's siblings, I'm starting to see how much of a big step it is to move forward.  It's making mie a bit nervous because I want so badly for this to work out for so many reasons.  Also, I'm staring down the barrel that will make mie go from being a mom of 3 to a mom of 6 and though I'm positive I can do it, I'll admit I've become a little comfortable where I'm at (problem #1).

If I'm honest - it's not that I'm comfortable.  Really it's that I have a 5 month old baby, haven't slept through the night except maybe 3-4 times since he arrived, and I keep forgetting that when I'm exhausted by the end of the night and don't feel like cleaning off the kitchen island.  Then I feel lazy and wonder if 6 is going to put mie over the edge.  It's not.  I know that without a doubt.  And then I remind myself I'm just tired because I have an infant with no "new mom hormones" (and yes, that makes a difference in helping combat sleepiness) and no post-partum break from work because in reality, I'm only kind of post partum.

But I didn't come here to complain, I came to celebrate the support I've received in getting ready for the new kiddos. 

(BTW - reach out to your local foster/expectant adoptive parent to let them know you're rooting for them just as you would an expectant mother!  It will mean the world to them, especially when they're expecting "multiples"). 

In the past few days I've had a few reminders that things are going to be ok and I've been really grateful.

First - I needed to talk about our next steps with my hubby.  I made a point to discuss the risks similar to what I wrote about on Monday, except in greater detail.  His response was "I don't see anything happening that will stop us from moving forward.  I know it might be difficult."  This was a very solid answer from my hubby who, at times, can be a little intimidated by out-of-the-norm behavior (and the idea of 6 kids).  He was confident that this IS what we're going to do (if given the chance) and we'll do whatever it takes to make it work.

Second - A sweet friend this morning wrote on her Facebook page about how her newest foster placement has improved so much in the short time she's had him.  Now, that isn't always the case and after 20 foster children (and a handful of RADlets) I certainly understand that well.  But I also know that even WITH the RADlets I've had the behavior, though difficult, DID improve at least a little due to proper care and stability.  There are no guarantees with these new kiddos but I know it IS possible and more importantly, our God is able.

I love that.

A Mouse at the Corner of Ugly and Ugly - Beauty is Still in Sight

We are finally making progress in the attempt to have the siblings come live with us.  Progress - as in I actually have a date (that I refuse to actually write down because last time I did it changed before I made two phone calls).

Now I'm being warned - this behavior may be too much.  Is daycare really the right choice?  This behavior may be too much.  "I'm concerned about the behavior".

I've known about the behavioral challenges from the beginning but as things go (and cases too) when children are moved repeatedly behaviors tend to become overexaggerated.  Behaviors can be scary in some circumstances.  Lifestyle change due to behaviors can be even more scary.  The thought of how our lives might have to change to accomodate these children causes a bit of stress.

Then though there is the compounding fear - what if it IS too much.  What if we have to ask them to be removed?  The thought is unbearable.  It would mean yet another move for these children.  And for us.

It would also mean with certainty baby baby would be moved.  Once the children are together they will not be separated for almost any reason regardless of who has more relationship with whom at that point.

So we stand at a cross-road.  Today for us life is great except we know our baby has siblings, children I've felt like were "mine" from the beginning, who are not with us.  Right before us we have two paths.  One involves bringing the children into our home with the chance of healing, permanency, and hope but the very real risk of chaos, RAD, & ODD.  We are committed to not letting that be a reason to stop us and yet if for some reason it doesn't work out this path is forward only and at some point we would face the decision to let them ALL go, including our baby, or accept the consequences of keeping them all.  The other involves NOT bringing the children into our home because of our fears of what could be.  In the end we'd lose baby baby with that plan as well as they'd seek to find another home for all 4.  This is it.  There's no going back.

I described this whole 5-month process as feeling like a mouse being led around with a piece of cheese in front of my nose.  I see the cheese and I'm pursuing it but as I do I run across this wall and that obstacle.  It's been very hard to find the other end of the maze.  I know that someone is holding the cheese and someone is putting up obstacles.  The challenge is  - I'm not sure who is who.  Is it devinely appointed that we should follow that cheese, that God continues to whisper "keep going - it will be worth it", even when we face obstacle after obstacle designed to keep these children from a forever home that will help them heal?  OR, is the cheese a distraction from something else we're supposed to be pursuing and God continues to save us from that path by putting the obstacles in front of us to protect us?  I honestly feel like it could be either and I'm not always confident as to which way to turn.

I suppose this is where Matthew 6:33 comes into play, that I should seek 1st the Kingdom and everything else will work its way out (my paraphrase), but it's in the practical, daily steps where that begins to be hard.  This does though give me hope.  As I run around in this little maze with cheese and stumbling blocks galore what I do know is that on the other side the true reward remains.  I must run this race, maze and all, with perseverance to obtain the prize and even though today I'm at the corner of Ugly and Ugly, there is beauty where the sidewalk ends.  Of this I am certain.

Tuesday's Tears - Healthy & Unhealthy Attachment

I may or may not have once had a child who I was strongly concerned about going home.

My current placement is scheduled (well, that's putting it strongly since there is no set date) to start transitioning at the end of the month.  This may or may not be pure coincidence with my first statement.

This concern primarily rests for one child in particular.  The entire time this child was in my home he/she was significantly developmentally delayed.  At the doctor appt I had to take this child to, a hearing test was failed, which we hoped explained the reasons for the delays in speech and other forms of communication, including expressive language which consisted primarily of a raptor-like scream.  Only.  For everything.  So loud it's deafening - no joke.

At said doctor visit this child also failed the autism screening evaluation - which I filled out by answering a series of true/false statements.  The doctor was vary concerned.  I knew which ones were indicators as I filled it out - can't escape the educational background - so I knew as I completed it that he wasn't doing well.  I also was able to tell that the areas this child struggled in that may have indicated autistic behaviors were also caused by 3 known factors - poor hearing, severe neglect, and lack of ability to form healthy attachments since there was significant neglect with the birth parents for a year, then a first placement, then 3 months at our home by the time of the doctor visit.  There were no typical austism indicators, just a whole bunch of related indicators that, as I mentioned, were explained by the other factors of this child's experience.  As a result, the doctor and I (and the caseworker) agreed we'd work on the hearing problem, then see how much improvement the child was making with increased ECI therapy and consistent care in my home, and then revisit the concern about autism in a few months.

I was fully supportive of this plan and assumed getting the hearing fixed plus some additional time in my (consistent, structured, loving home) would help catch him up developmentally and put him on a better track for the future.  It also seemed like a great plan because at the time it appeared there would be 6 months or more in my home before any movement took place, if any did at all.

Fast forward 60 days and things had changed in many ways.  2 more months in our home indeed proved immensely helpful as much progress had occured on the developmental delayed.  A child who spoke no words and only shrieked was now saying 10 words or so, using more signs, and crying regularly at appropriate emotional moments (for that age).  A child who was violent and stand-offish with regular tantrums (and more shrieking), now threw appropriate tantrums, was learning to use his hands and feet with love, giving frequent cuddles, making great eye contact, and demonstrating his desire to be comforted by mie and his daddy.  He was smiling a lot more.  He still had some old behaviors and delays but was making great strides.

It became very clear to mie that the delays were primarily attachment and neglect related as opposed to having some other cause - like autism.  As bonding increased there was a direct correlation with developmental catching up (increased words, less shrieking, age-appropriate display of emotion and play, etc.).  This behavior was not present in visits - instead there was much aggression, fits, shrieking, and disassociation which was all exacerbated by a present sibling who was struggling with his/her own attachment related trauma needs and, therefore, was demanding all of the attention.  When caseworkers visited our home for the first time in a while they noted the difference between his behavior in visits and at our home.

We had not yet seen the doctor to work on the little one's hearing.  I really hoped that fixing the hearing challenges, probably through ear tubes, would give this little guy that extra push to rapidly propel him to catch-up developmentally and help him "complete" his healing process.

The dr appointment came and went with the conclusion that the hearing, though on the lower functioning side, was in the normal range and sufficient for language development.  A conclusion that specifically included a reference to attachment and psychological triggers for developmental delay.  A conclusion that confirmed my growing suspicion that this little one wasn't growing up "normally" due to attachment related trauma.  

This coincided with changes in the case plan so that reunification that was once uncertain and several months off was now imminent in a matter of a few short weeks.  Upon hearing that my child did NOT have a hearing problem I was devastated.  The degree to which his unhealthy attachment in the first year(s) of life had really harmed him, the only thing that could continue to heal was active therapeutic parenting in a stable, committed, home that could handle the child's crazy antics that were exacerbated by the sibling's manipulation and (unintentional) sabotage.  Except now this child was set to go home to a single parent with very minimal parenting skills who became overwhelmed at managing both children during a weekly 2 hour visit.  A parent who loved the children but clearly favored the other one - the one who demanded all of the attention in a more subtle yet destructive way.  A parent who didn't know how to effectively handle the aggression and shrieking and tantrums and bad stuff this child reverted to as default when she was around.  A parent to whom there was no bond and clearly with whom there was an unhealthy attachment.

All of this just as this child was learning to trust us as his primary caregivers.  And here we were - knowing that in a few short weeks we'd abandon him and place him with a virtual stranger with whom he'd demonstrated symptoms of a very unhealthy attachment.  

I did everything I could.  I worked with the play therapist to increase therapy for both children alone and together to help work on things.  I spoke to the doctors to see if there was anything else I could do.  I spoke to the caseworker to see if we could get a psychological evaluation with an emphasis on attachment for the kiddos and their mother and at the very least get them some targeted counseling or support to encourage bonding as the children began transition home.  I spoke to the mother about this child's needs.  I expressed (encouragingly) that it would be difficult but he'd need active parenting to help the bonding process and help him heal.  This parent insisted she would do everything it would take.  Then she insisted everything was fine before CPS to the children away and that she had it all together (parenting-wise) before he left, that there were no problems, and she could do it just fine.

And then I loved this child as fiercely as I could.  I prayed.  That's all I could do.

The story is never finished being written.  I pray this one in particular ends up well and we are able to have peace as we see it unfold.  

Foster Parent Friday - Guest Post: Breaking the RAD Cycle: Part II

Q: A reader asked mie to offer suggestions on how to break the "RAD" cycle beyond the normal parenting techniques like interrupting with silly things, re-directing, etc.  This reader shared the following:


"I have a foster (now adopted) preschooler who is "RAD"ish.  My husband and I have noticed that she seems to go into a defiant, manipulative (RAD) behavior when I (mommy) leave the house.  She has overcome so many RAD things, but this is one we are having troubgle with.  I'm sure it is related to her past - feeling abandoned...insert typical foster care story...but I don't know how to help her "reset".


A: In all honesty, I'm not the best qualified for handling RADlets, but I tried to give you my experience in last week's FPF post.  To give you a REAL answer to this question I've asked a guest - Laurie from Adopting Special Needs - to join us this week to share her expertise with you.    Here's what Laurie has to say:


One common piece of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) in children from trauma is Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD).  It is so common in children from trauma, that most people consider it redundant to add OCD to a RAD diagnosis.

The more dysregulated a child is, the more ODD behaviors the child will exhibit.  Hence, the first step in tackling ODD behaviors is setting up the environment to help the child stay regulated.  There are several components to consider when doing this:

• Physical Environment: A child with RAD needs an organized environment with a minimal amount of stuff.  They regulate themselves better, and as a bonus, it makes it easier to pick up quickly when something is stolen or destroyed.
• Physical Activity: A child with RAD needs regular activity.  In good weather, climbing, biking, running, scooters are great activities.  In the summer, we schedule regular pool time.  When the weather is not good, we have hula hoops, a mini-tramp, a balance beam, and a swing.  The playroom has space for jumping jacks, gymnastics, and dancing.  Physical activity needs to be scheduled throughout the day.  For example, before homework comes out, twenty jumping jacks enables the child to sit down for homework.  It can also be used as an option with time out.  Given the choice of sitting for eight minutes or jumping on the mini-tramp, most of the time they choose the mini-tramp.  This is a win-win situation because they have choice of consequences and the more physical activity, the better their self-regulation.
• Coping Strategies: The more strategies the child has for self-regulating and the more you practice with the child when they are regulated, the easier it will be for the child to use these strategies when they need them. In my house we use:

• Strong sitting: is a technique used to calm the brain and help center the child. Check out this video by Christine Moers .  My girls strong sit regularly.  I find that when my RADlet is struggling, strong sitting three times a day is necessary.  
• Controlled Breathing: We used controlled breathing exercises.  We breathe out slowly, threee times like a snake, three times as if we were blowing out a candle, and three times saying "shhhh".  I think the pattern and predictability is what helps them reset.
• EFT or Tapping: Also called the Emotional Freedom Technique.  You can use one of the scripts already on the web or customize the script for what yourparticular child needs.  A good starting place for tapping can be found at my friend Lisa's blog.  

For particularly stubborn problems, I Prescribe the Problem.  For example, if I know a child will rage at a particular time, just before I expect the child to go off, I tell the child I want to see a really loud rage, with lots of mad, nasty words.  It prevents a lot of behavior the child is using to control.  The trick with prescribing the problem is to make sure you use a pleasant, kind tone of voice and act as if you don't care what the outcome is.  That takes the fun out of the behavior. (Mie here - I saw a good example of something similar here by CherubMama, expletives and all...this is my example, not Laurie's).  

The more consistently these techniques are used, the better the results will be.  

I hope these techniques are more helpful than my therapeutic purge from last week.  If you are a foster/adopt parent or are considering joining the world of orphan care, I highly suggest you read-up on attachment disorders, particularly RAD, so that you are as fully aware of what you could be getting into before you find yourself in a therapeutic parenting situation unexpectedly.  RADlets and other hurting children need families too and I appreciate people like Laurie who are dedicated to advocating for children who need families.  For more information on RAD, check out www.RADkid.org and another post by Laurie here.

Thanks for joining us here today Laurie!

Foster Parent Friday - Breaking the RAD Cycle: Part 1

Q: A reader asked mie to offer suggestions on how to break the "RAD" cycle beyond the normal parenting techniques like interrupting with silly things, re-directing, etc.  This reader shared the following:

"I have a foster (now adopted) preschooler who is "RAD"ish.  My husband and I have noticed that she seems to go into a defiant, manipulative (RAD) behavior when I (mommy) leave the house.  She has overcome so many RAD things, but this is one we are having troubgle with.  I'm sure it is related to her past - feeling abandoned...insert typical foster care story...but I don't know how to help her "reset".

A: In all honesty, I'm not the best qualified for handling RADlets so to answer this question I've asked a guest - Laurie from Adopting Special Needs - to join us for a guest post to share her expertise with you.  I will post her response next week, but before I do, I wanted to share my experience with RAD with those of you who are not (yet) familiar with it.

In our experience as foster parents we have had only 1 RADlet out of the 10 kiddos we've had join our family in the past 2 years.  I'm hoping this is encouraging to those of you who are considering becoming foster or adoptive parents and who are "lucky" enough to hear about these challenging behaviors first.  The reality is that most children in care have some sort of attachment issues stemming from lack of quality parental care from their birth family and/or the break in attachment caused by removal from the home.  Many, many kids can heal with quality parenting from foster parents and quick, healthy permanency, but there are some children who experience such trauma in their young lives that leads to more moderate-to-severe attachment issues and disorders.  Before becoming a foster parent I had a solid understanding of attachment, not from our PRIDE classes but with my educational background, but I was completely blindsided by RAD.

When we got the call for our one placement I was told they were being moved because the behavior of one of the two siblings was overwhelming the single foster parent who was simultaneously trying to work full-time and go to school full-time while raising her two older (teenage) children.  I can sympathize with how difficult it can be to do all that stuff WITH a partner, so I completely understood how a preschooler and a toddler can really be challenging for all that as a single mom.  I didn't blame her for her decision, but I did find it a little bit odd that she couldn't handle the behaviors the placement worker described. She said he did things like turn the lights on and off and argued when he didn't get to do what he wanted to do.  They said they suspected she had spanked him and the decision to move the children was mutual.  I remember telling the placement worker "that sounds like normal stuff (for this age) to mie" and we agreed to take the placement.

Over the next week or two we quickly learned that this behavior was anything but normal.  There was no honeymoon period.  I read through the note the birth mom had sent when they entered care and it said stuff like "make sure you cuddle with him when he wakes up otherwise he'll throw a fit", "he only eats macaroni and cheese, dinosaur chicken nuggets, and french fries", and "Watch Out! Have an extra plate ready for him because if he doesn't want to eat something he'll vomit on it and he does it in time out too".  That information and the information I knew about the case made it clear to mie where the behavior challenges were coming from.  I was sure that with good parenting and extra love our kiddo would be on the right track in no time.

I was wrong.  Over the time we had this placement we observed the following signs of RAD:

1. Is unable to give and receive love (Mild)
2. Is oppositional, argumentative, defiant (Moderate)
3. Is emotionally phony, hollow, or empty (Moderate)
4. Is manipulative or controlling (Severe)
5. Has frequent or intense angry outbursts (Severe)
6. Is an angry child inside (Moderate)
7. Unable to cry about something sad (Mild)
8. Avoids or resists physical closeness and touch (None)
9. Cannot be trusted (Moderate)
10. Has little or no conscience (Moderate)
11. Is superficially engaging and charming (Severe)
12. Lack of eye contact on parental terms (Severe)
13. Indiscriminate affection with strangers (Moderate)
14. Not affectionate on parents' terms (Mild)
15. Destructive to self, others, and property (Moderate)
16. More disobedient toward mom than dad (Moderate)
17. Cruel to animals (None)
18. Steals (Moderate)
19. Lies about the obvious (crazy lying) (Severe)
20. Is impulsive or hyperactive (Severe)
21. Lacks cause and effect thinking (Severe)
22. Gorges or hoards food (Moderate)
23. Has poor peer relationships (Moderate)
24. Preoccupation with fire, blood, or violence (None)
25. Persistent nonsense questions or incessant chatter (Severe)
26. Inappropriately demanding and clingy (Moderate)
27. Sexually acting out (Mild)
28. Bossy with peers (Moderate)

This child vomited any time he wasn't getting his way as a form of manipulation, no matter where we were (though we learned to help control that).  He would scream at you from the top of his lungs.  He would throw wild tantrums.  This things were amazing to see and could push your buttons but the things that got under our skin the most were the incessant nonsense talking and asking questions, the lack of cause/effect thinking and ability to control his impulses, the stealing and lying about the obvious, and the lack of eye contact on parental terms.  Dealing with these things on a consistent basis, especially if you're not familiar with what is going on (RAD), can be grating and confusing.  It was indescribable.

On top of that there was this superficial charm and indiscriminant familiarity with strangers.  With people who only saw him for a few minutes at a time (people in the grocery store) or for an hour or so a week (friends at church, as an example) - he was amazingly sweet and charming.  They would see his behavior in mild forms and think it was cute and absolutely normal (remember my opinion of his flipping the light switches on and off?).  In small doses he seemed like a child with spunk who was fun and loving and caring and just a joy to parent.  The truth wasn't that at all - as a parent to a RADlet you not only get the worst of the behaviors but you get them nonstop (afterall, you are the parent).  Then I had a "wonderful" teacher at school who insisted on telling mie every bad thing he did at school (which, you know, was the same thing day after day).  It was like living in a crazy cycle.

It wasn't until at least half-way through the placement that I knew what was going on.  I'd come in contact with RADkid.org and got a lot of tips and suggestions.  I knew it wasn't mie but also learned a lot of tips to help him start the process of healing.  I didn't have him get tested.  I explained my concerns to the caseworker but we discussed waiting to get him evaluated.  He was receiving play therapy (it was a joke, really) and more than that he was showing signs of improvement.  If he had been diagnosed with RAD he would likely have to be moved to another home because we're only licensed as basic and that would likely have moved him up (rightfully so) to a higher service level.  I didn't want him to be moved, yet again, when we had the skills to take care of him and his case was where it was at the time, so what we agreed was that we'd keep working with him until it was decided what would happen to his case and then we'd get him tested once permanency was in motion.  Shortly afterward it was determined reunification would be imminent and at that point I insisted he receive a full psychological evaluation before he go home so that I could work with the therapist rather than his birth family who, understandably was eager to get him home and may not have been quite as familiar with his behaviors or the fact that they were a problem.  I was concerned that his behavior, left untreated, could be a trigger for the parents as they worked on their own healing, especially if his condition weren't diagnosed and treated prior to him going home.

We found a great therapist.  Within minutes of being in her office for the evaluation she told mie something to the effect of "you sure have been dealing with a lot huh?", acknowledging his behavior without letting him know it - I started to well up - she could see it, immediately.  Later that week I spent 90 minutes on the phone with her so she could talk about his behaviors with mie without him present.  This was such a healing phone call for mie.  It wasn't a therapy appointment for mie - in fact all she did was ask mie to describe his behaviors and asked follow-up questions to understand my concerns - but she validated what she saw in the office as supporting my concerns and my suspicion of RAD, a severe case, she said.  I didn't really need other people to agree with mie - I knew what I was dealing with - but it really helped to have an independent professional acknowledge what I had suspected, and, to know that he would receive follow-up care after he left.

It would have helped the healing process if I had been able to know what his fate in the case was earlier on - if he was going to be adopted by us (we were facing Summer's adoption so he heard us talking about it) or if he was going to return home.  I think it helped him to know he was stable in our home but the uncertainty of what was going on with his future was a lot for him to handle.  It would have helped if I knew more, at the time, about dysregulation and how to help him regulate himself.  In the end he was much better than he was when he'd arrived - I'm fairly sure his first foster home was detrimental to his healing, not helpful.  In the end I was sure that he'd been demonstrating RAD-ish behaviors prior to entering foster care and I was certain that it had caused stress that contributed to the factors around his removal.  Details about the case that I'll leave unsaid supported the fact that his attachment issues were caused well before his removal and I did extra to reach out to his parents to support them during the transition, to know they had someone else to support them as their kids came back home.  They needed that.

I no longer fear RAD but I am much more sensitive to the impact of its ugliness can have on everyone involved in foster care and adoption.

We foster and/or adopt anyway.

Stay tuned next week for Laurie's guest post with some very helpful suggestions on how to break the RAD cycle.