Evan

Now there's Baby Baby, Little Sister, and Summer.  Next in Line is Evan.  Evan is our middle boy, now 7.  He's spunky and wild and nothing really like Logan and Aaron.  He's a spitfire for sure but he's got a heart of gold that's been scarred by repeated rejection.

For the 6 months we tried to get the siblings into our home, while they lived in a shelter, Evan was always held as the reason why they didn't want to rush anything.  He struggled significantly at the shelter and in other locations where CPS saw him.  He was aggressive during visits.  He tried to run away from visits.  He tried to run away after visits, at the shelter.  He screamed and yelled and raged.  CPS (and CASA) seriously questioned whether it was the best option to add 3 kids to our home, making the total kid count 6, given one of them had these more serious behavior challenges.  There were times people would talk and say "he can only go with them IF he stays at a basic level", meaning there was serious talk that they would move him to a moderate level of care due to his behavior.

Evan is the one we all said "didn't have any more moves".  There was serious talk about needing to place him in a residential facility at some point.  He was 5 at the time.

Nothing meant more to me than to have all of my kids together under one roof and to pursue adopting them if reunification couldn't occur.  That being said, honestly, I was scared they would put the kids with us.  I'd faced two RADlets in the past and I knew it was a possibility Evan would face a Reactive Attachment Disorder in the future.  And we'd have 5 other kids to raise, young ones.  I saw the possibility that we'd see all of the things that a kid with RAD could bring in a large family, chaos and harm.  I knew I didn't want to go down that path again.  I knew, especially after visits and overnights and weekends that adding RAD would possibly be the straw that broke the camels back.  We pursued anyway for the sake of all the kids, but I was really nervous.

I also considered what would happen if we didn't fight for them to stay together in our home.  The argument CPS made was "How are you going to handle HIM when you have 6 kids"?  My argument back was "How is a parent with no experience going to handle HIM and 3 others (assuming they didn't have any other kids, therefore no experience) or how is an older parent (whose kids are grown, therefore experience but no other kids) going to be able to have the energy to parent HIM and 3 other young siblings?  In reality, other than separating the kids, there wasn't a great option and we knew we were at least in the running for best chance for everyone.  We had experience.  We were young.  We had resources.  If anyone could do this, we could.

Granted, this is all before Summer began having challenges like she does today.

He was a challenge, but the more time went on the more we realized his aggression and instability was less about chemical imbalance or biological causes and more about the trauma he'd experienced in his young life.  He'd never had a stable environment, learned to act out to get any attention, took the antithetical approach to his sister's need for perfection, and had very little trust that adults would stick around to love him through it.  He missed the familiarity of the chaos he'd had in his former life so he did his best to create it at our home.  He missed his father and cousins and didn't know how to identify that emotion or what to do with it.  Any type of correction sent him into a rage with horrible screaming and flailing.  He'd hurt himself (unintentionally) during the rages and then say stuff indicating we'd hurt him, even if we weren't anywhere around.  He was wild and out-of-control.

Except he wasn't.  He could sometimes control himself, with help.  As we learned more about what he was dealing with inside, we learned we could help him avoid the rage by reassuring him we love him and that we're not going to hurt him.  We did our best to show him we weren't going to leave him or stop loving him when he does something wrong but we weren't going to tolerate it either.  We had a therapist come work with him for a long while.

Slowly but surely he began to turn the corners.  He began to learn to control his emotions a little more like his age should, rather than like a child significantly younger.  They sometimes say a child can get developmentally stuck, especially emotionally, in the age of their trauma and that was true for Evan.  He was 5, then 6 but emotionally he was 3.  Evan was on Risperidone, an anti-psychotic sometimes used to control aggression, when he first came to live with us.  About 8 weeks after coming to live with us we took him off.  He didn't need it.  He needed love, consistency, firmness, and a resolute approach to parenting that said we were here for the long haul and we aren't leaving.

God continues working on him (and us).  He had very challenging behavior in the classroom in Kindergarten.  Some hitting and "kicking under the table" but more not listening or paying attention, goofing off and being a bit of the class clown.  He'd do irritating stuff all the time, like intentionally cutting his uniforms or lying about his lunch to get a different one.  In 1st grade though, a year after being with us, his behavior was completely different.  He still struggled academically in the classroom but he wasn't a behavior problem at all, except some of those irritating things like lying about his lunch.  He was recently diagnosed with ADD and medication was added.  It's worked wonders for him.  It's also opened a door to a wonderful friendship and bond with Logan.  Logan never tolerated his bad behavior.  Where Evan was emotionally 3, Logan is well advanced for his age and just couldn't handle the "weird" stuff Evan did.  This summer though it's different.  They're friends.  They're separated right now (one in CA visiting family) and you can tell how much they miss hanging out with each other.  Logan even cried before leaving "because he was going to miss Evan".

  

  

  

Evan, we love you so much.  You're a survivor.  You've pushed through so much and you're so brave even though you don't really know it yet.  You're incredibly strong and a gifted athlete.  You are silly and have learned to entertain yourself in so many interesting ways!  You love your family and desperately want them to love you back.   I pray that as you grow you  FEEL the love everyone has for you, that you become comfortable in your own skin, proud of who God has made you to be.  You have your own unique talents, gifts, and abilities with a great purpose.  You're loved just for who you are, not only by mie but by your dad and your Heavenly Father as well.  Life is not going to be easy.  Keep trying.  Keep pushing.  You've made such great progress these past 2 years and I'm excited to watch as your journey continues.

Summer

So you've now learned the "real" identity of Baby Baby and Little Sister.  The next in line at our home, youngest to oldest, is Summer.  As a reminder, for those of you new here or at least since her adoption, she was adopted in 2011 after a year+ placement in foster care and is not part of the recent sibling group we adopted in 2014.  Summer has two siblings that do not live with us.  One lives with his biological mother and one lives with his adoptive parents.  We keep in contact with the latter of the two (Hello!).

Summer was a perfectly "normal" child when we adopted her.  (Here's her introduction after adoption day).  She struggled developmentally but only slightly, as if she was always one-small-step behind everyone else.  When she was 2 she struggled with potty training and toddler behaviors (biting, etc.).  When she was 3 and her peers started to develop further, learning critical social skills and starting to mature a bit like preschoolers do, Summer's delays became more pronounced. She did not continue maturing like the other children did.  Her behavior seemed to be the most obvious issue as she was more and more aggressive (or, really, her toddler aggression never stopped), she never sat still, she ran out of the class, and still didn't master potty-training.  She attended a great school that required strict adherence to rules, didn't reward expected behavior, and actually taught the preschoolers.  This was great for our oldest and he excelled here but wasn't working out for Summer.  We withdrew her before she was kicked-out and found a program willing to work with her and her needs.  At the time, Summer was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder, all areas, and was "the worst case of sensory defensiveness" the therapist had ever seen.  She attended therapy 2x a week at a fantastic facility at our cost of $160 per week.  It helped, but after a year they acknowledged they felt they'd reached the end of what they could offer her.  By her 5th birthday it was clear Summer was anything but "normal" and parenting her would be (or is, for now) a major challenge.

Summer has been diagnosed with severe disabling ADHD and Cognitive Disorder.  She has been evaluated for High Functioning Autism and her results come back "likely" but with the detailed evaluation she received the doctors believe her Executive Functioning Disorder (leading to ADHD) is causing symptoms of Autism, not the other way around.  I'm not convinced yet we have a final diagnosis but at this time this seems to be most appropriate.  Everyday with Summer is a challenge.  Nearly every minute with her is a challenge, honestly.  (See my open letter).  She cannot be left out-of-sight for any period of time at all and I'm not exaggerating.  On rare occasion we leave her within ear shot (maybe, in the kitchen as I open the front door or use the restroom with the door open so I can clearly hear her) but most of the time we have her within our sight.  This includes bed time - we've moved her into our room.  She does go to daycare and is about to complete the state's preschool program but the preschool program has been a wild failure (in terms of behavior and education) and daycare is only successful because they're very patient with her and understand her special needs.  At this time she's seeing a psychiatrist (and takes 3 medications a day), a behavioral therapist in-home (this guy is no joke and I love his work so far), and will probably start seeing a play-therapist over the summer.  She also needs physical and occupational therapy on a regular basis and will likely be put in a PPCD-type program in the fall (after a YEAR of advocating for her and finally hiring an attorney - apparently the school thinks we're bad parents and are making up her diagnoses to excuse her behavior).

Summer is a beautiful girl.  She loves to dance, be active, and play make-believe.  She also loves posing for pictures, which is fantastic because I get to capture "good" moments like these ones above where she has a genuine smile on her face and appears to be a happy, well-adjusted child.  These moments do exist and I cherish them.

I think pictures like these are more common.  I dunno, maybe they're not.  Looking through my pictures I have a good mix of the types you see above.  Some are great and some show a little bit more of what we're dealing with.  You can see in these pictures a little more of what we see on a regular basis.  Her face has food all over it in one - she literally doesn't care most of the time whether she has food or dirt or anything else on her where it doesn't belong.  This is part of the problem with potty training; she doesn't care one iota if she's wet, at least on the surface.  We all think she cares underneath, that she has no self-confidence or self-esteem.  :(

   

Summer loves adventure.  She loves to hunt for things (on her own terms) and be outdoors.  If she could spend all day outside by herself hunting for bugs and critters she would.  Thankfully, our yard permits that.  Unfortunately, our schedule as a busy family of 8 does not provide the opportunity nearly as much and letting her explore outside of the totally fenced in yard is not an option because she'll wander away.

This is the type of thing Summer does when she doesn't have direct supervision.  She "washed" her hair with toothpaste.  Though this type of behavior is common among 2-3 year olds and maybe explorative older children, it typically fades out as they learn other more productive and "normally accepted" types of play.  Summer has not learned the benefits of "normal" play yet and therefore gets into lots of mischief for her age.  

 Summer loves her siblings and wants to be a good helper, when she wants to be one.  She really wants to do the dishes and liked helping with Aaron when he was younger.  She wants to play with everyone as long as they want to play on her terms.  This is her haircut after Lizzie got hers - she wanted one too.  Shortly after she got less of a bob and more of a shaggy medium/short cut to help cover up all the times she tries to cut her own hair when she comes in contact with scissors.

 

Summer loves posing for pictures.  Here are a few more that show day-to-day life with her.  The second picture is totally normal...she's in a bat girl cape tied around her waste so we can go into Target to buy her new underwear and shorts because we were on the road and she'd wet through several pairs of dry things that morning.  She's got her hat on, a sweatshirt, and no shoes, and she's totally fine with it.  This girl loves adventure and has no interest in helping mom's self-respect taking her into stores like this.  She broke her thumb, slamming it in the door, and though she cried never told us it was hurting until we noticed how unbelievably bad it looked a couple days later.  They put a cast on her, knowing she wouldn't leave it alone for the required 4 weeks.  I'm not sure how close to getting her cast off this last picture is but as you can see, it's disgustingly filthy and you may notice there's not much of the white gauze left around the top - she ate most of it.

Summer, I love you so much and I love those moments  before you go to sleep where I can have a heart-to-heart with you to remind you how much I love you and how much I'm going to continue to fight for you.  I pray God will heal you and help you recover from the last few years.  You're going to soar Summer.  Keep your adventurous spirit and may your love of life be rounded out with joy, all the time, whether you get what you want or not.  You're beautiful sweetheart.  I pray we're able to tell you always and forever how much you mean to us and that you're able to hear it through our parenting, even as we're correcting you and coaching you as you grow.

Baby Baby

Life.  Life happens and it is so unbelievably full in our home right now and as I'm realizing, will be forever, God willing.  (Though I hope for rest and peace and obedient children growing in Truth and Love.  Amen.)

Here I am, as I promised a long time ago, to introduce you one by one to our kiddos.  I'm going to start with the one who's placement in care brought this whole crazy family together.  You've known him for 2 1/2 years as Baby Baby.

His name is Aaron, a name we gave him on adoption day.  As you can see he is no longer a baby. He's talking in full sentences, though you can't always understand him, and is every bit of a two-year-old.  He's very active but loves nothing more than to hang on mommy or daddy, not both - just the one he chooses at that moment.  He can keep up with his brothers and sisters and has learned the art of being louder than them all in order to be heard.  

He is our silliest boy, I think.  Or, at least our silliest one where silly is super-age-appropriate.  He's always doing something to make everyone laugh and he gets a thrill out of it.  He's almost always smiling that big super-happy grin, as you can see.  In the midst of our chaos and the moments of tension/drama in the house he tends to break it up with his crazy antics, super cuddly hugs, or handsome, happy smile.  He loves Cars (especially Mater), trains, and planes.  He's fascinated by motorcycles as well and knows that Papa rides one.

Here are a few of him a bit younger.  Love these.  The one with the paci is him at the hospital...this kid by far has spent the most time in the hospital than any of the other six.  He is seen by several specialists including a cardiologist, orthopedics at Scottish Rite, opthamologist, and a pulmonologist. He has severe asthma (or, at this point it's called Reactive Airway Disease), so any kind of illness hits him pretty hard.  (and boy does he love that paci, though he knows that it must "go to bed" when he wakes up and gets out of his toddler bed.  Yes, we're done with cribs.  *Sniffle*

Oh boy howdy.  How did I forget his love of tractors. 

Aaron, you are such a joy in our lives.  You have such a special role in bringing our family together and you brighten our days.  I can't believe how much you've grown recently and I look forward, every day, to being your mommy.

Foster Parent Friday - The "Dreaded" Homestudy

Q: What is a homestudy?  And what happens at a homestudy?  And what should I be prepared for?  And what questions are they going to ask?  And where are they going to look?  And...

A: Come on y'all - you've all been there right?  At least if you've gone through the licensing process for adoption and/or foster care, if you're in the process now, or if you've considered becoming licensed you've most definitely wondered about this nebulous and seemingly doom-ridden homestudy.  All the fear is absolutely justified when you consider that your homestudy is a major piece of the licensing process and usually one of the last steps before you get licensed (and start opening your home to kids).  I'll also say it's absolutely worth the fear that it produces in that typically the mystery and angst associated with a pending homestudy probably makes you prepare enough to "pass".

When we were going through the licensing process the homestudy gave me the heebie jeebies.  In truth I'm one of those recovering Type A & perfectionist personalities that needs to get everything right and ace every test.  When we went through classes we'd get a piece of paperwork to complete and I'd make copies and write and re-write it over again so I'd have nice, neat handwriting to go with my well-thought-out and complete answers.  I'd also usually do it the same evening when we came home from training so it was done well in advance of the due date.  I was baffled by the others in our class who failed to turn in paperwork on time and were repeatedly warned they had to do so before getting dropped from the licensing process.  My brain just couldn't fathom that level of (fill in the blank...irresponsibility, casual approach, etc.) when such a serious thing was on the line.

Throughout the licensing process I tried to find as much information as I could about the homestudy and the only thing I could ever find was that it wasn't a big deal.  I kept reading that it wasn't a "pass/fail" evaluation as much as it was an understanding of our home to be able to identify the best-fit when foster children needed a family.  I repeatedly found people who said they'd ask personal questions and maybe it would feel intrusive but it was harmless.  I found people who said to be tidy but not to worry about cleaning out every crevice.

People kept trying to tell me all would be well but I just couldn't believe them.  This big scary thing was in the way of my family's future so how could I not take it seriously and worry about it?  I cleaned and I worried as a bad housecleaner I wouldn't be good enough.  I thought about everything in my past, in my family's past, in my marriage, that may need to be discussed and how would I phrase it to be honest and yet not get myself disqualified.  My grandmother passed away the week of my homestudy and I fretted about how to respond about how that death in my family would disqualify our home from moving forward in the licensing process.  It was awful.  I did all that I could do and then hoped it would be enough.

I'm not going to be able to provide you with much more detail than that, at least not here because it's not really the point of this post (but email mie if you do have questions because I'd be happy to give the answers I have!).  What I wanted to point out today is how things have changed since those days so long ago.

We had our second adoptive homestudy on Wednesday.  You need to have an updated homestudy completed before you can adopt.  The updated study looks at how your family started out (likely provided in the original homestudy) and then expands on that to discuss how your family is with your future adoptive children to determine how the adoption will impact the family dynamic.  We've been here once before and the main thing to keep in mind is that this means we're getting closer to adoption!  WOOHOO!!!

What I found so fascinating in doing this second adoptive homestudy was how different it was than when we went through the process as foster parents.  For real - this time around we scheduled our homestudy on the most convenient day for us, which happened to be the same day our baby had surgery so we'd slept for 4 hours the night before and spent the morning at the hospital before the caseworker came over.  We hadn't cleaned at all in most of the house.  The only cleaning we did was in the kitchen to get rid of dirty dishes and really only that because we had the time.  A few minutes before she was supposed to arrive I dumped out 3 baskets full of unmatched socks and played the matching game with my husband while we waited for her to arrive.  I didn't have on any makeup and I wasn't wearing anything remotely nice.  When she finally arrived I doubt I had any shoes on and my baby had blood coming out of his ears (from his surgery).  We chatted in the kitchen for a while.  At some point I got a snack out and started eating while talking to her.  We even had a neighbor kid ring the doorbell to come play and I let him in to the backyard.  During our homestudy.  Toward the end my husband went outside to repair the backyard fence.  I had to discipline one of my difficult children and didn't bat an eye.  Although I cared about the result of the homestudy I had ZERO concern about the process itself.  I didn't feel the need to impress anyone and I didn't prep for it.

So, if you're nervous about your first homestudy good.  You should be as it will make you take this process seriously and this is a serious process.  Just try to remind yourself that once you get over this hurdle someday, if you're blessed to go through it again, you probably will look back yourself and think hmm...what was I so worried about back then?

Thankful Thursday - Potty-Training Progress

We are not perfect parents.  At all.  We try desperately but our faults and impatience interact with the craziness that is related to losing first parents and foster care and just plain old life and it isn't always pretty. 

We have been trying to potty train Summer for 22 months.  TWENTY-TWO MONTHS.  Y'all that's almost two years and is a LONG time with what often feels like no progress.  She has accidents on a regular basis (like daily, sometimes several times a day) and doesn't seem to care.  She's about to turn 4 and is far-behind our foster child who just turned 3.  FAR behind.  She doesn't (usually) tell us she has to go and won't go on her own (usually) so we're at the stage (still) of reminding her to go every 15-20 minutes.  She still has accidents on that schedule.  Seriously.

We've tried it all.  We've tried every technique (in 2 years there has been time to give each a sufficient amount of time - that's 100 weeks!).  We've given up and let her decide when she is ready.  We have done everything except wait longer.  She does her own laundry and cleans up her own mess.  She simply doesn't care.  Potty-training resistance does not begin to describe it.  I'm at the point of thinking she either has something wrong with her medically (she was diagnosed with a urinary tract condition when she was an infant but never showed signs of it after she got proper care when she came to live with us) or maybe something like SPD.  SPD would make a lot of sense in many ways.  I'm going to bring it up at her annual physical and see what the doc suggests. 

(Thankfully, she did learn to poop in the potty and rarely has a BM accident so at least we're just dealing with that.)

I would probably be ok with waiting it out. Like with Logan and his sleep I'm absolutely sure that she will get it sooner or later or if not she can wear adult incontinence undergarments and I'd love her the same.  The problem I have is that everyone I leave her with (school, church, babysitters) are at past the point of being patient with it.  She's almost 4 and tall at that so no one believes she should be having accidents.  I get the "So what can I do to help her stay dry" everytime I drop her off somewhere.  It may sound helpful but really it sounds more like "You're a horrible parent why can't you get this potty training thing down" or "really, what is WRONG with YOUR daughter". 

I didn't mean to turn this into a rant.

I meant to write this post last Thursday.  You see, last week she had 3-4 days in a row with no accidents.  She even stayed dry during a movie at the theater when she was with my mom and even better in the middle of it she yelled "I HAVE TO POOP!" quite loudly.  I'll take what I can get if she'll just tell us she has to go, even in a movie theater at the top of her lungs. (Thankfully for my mom they were the only ones in the theater at the time).  She EVEN got a special, hand-made stamped picture note from her teacher that made a point about how well Summer had done in class that day.  She was both dry AND was nice to her friends.  Double bonus points.

Unfortunately I never got around to writing about it and how thankful I was to get that respite and the sweet sound of someone saying, for once, that she was GOOD.  When I arrived at her daycare she literally came with THREE BAGS full of soiled clothes from all of the accidents she had that day.  She also immediately threw the worst fit I'd ever seen her throw over not getting her cookie until she was in her car seat.  I think it had something to do with my mom leaving that day but still, it was aweful.  I quickly lost the motivation to be thankful for her wins earlier that week.

So today, friends, I'm pausing to celebrate the wins.  It is Thursday and my daughter has had 2 dry days this week (Monday & Friday).  She still came home from school in new outfits but she assured me (and it was obvious) that it was because she got a little carried away in centers and got wet (Monday) and spilled the sauce from snack on her dress (Wednesday).  I get frustrated when I see her in new clothes and my first reaction ends up being frustrated rather than happy to see her.  I know I own that, not her, but I know it's discouraging to both of us.  Yesterday I was initially frustrated but when taking her to the restroom I saw she was in the same underwear I'd sent her to school in and it encouraged me a little.  When she passionately told me about the accident with the sauce in her cute sentence structure and voice I was overcome with (positive) emotion.

So, all that to be said, today I'm thankful for the good days whether they're few and far between or frequent.  They help mie cope with the crap that is a fallen world  and the related effects on my family.

Working Mama Wednesday - Pondering Advice

About a week ago I sat at the Cooper Clinic in Dallas doing my annual physical.  If you ever have a chance to do a comprehensive physical, especially at the Cooper Clinic - take it.  I receive 1 per year as a benefit at work and I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.  I get to see the dermatologist, get a full lab work-up, a treadmill stress test for my heart, a visit with the nutritionist, a full vision & hearing test, and finally a comprehensive examination by a great doctor.  When I say comprehensive I mean really - this guy spends about 2 hours with me during my visit.  I'd also get a few other benefits if I were older...bone density scans and mammograms and such.  It's such a treat.  It's such a different experience than the typical quick-in, quick-out doctor visit you have in the normal course of your visit.  You feel as if your doctor really is interested in what you have to say and what is going on in your life.

This is the 2nd year I was able to take advantage of this benefit and I was impressed at how well the doctor was able to make it seem as if he remembered me and my history.  He knew my kids and husband by name (of course, from notes in my file I'm sure) and was quick to point out that things had changed since last year. 

He did so by saying "Where did all these kids come from?"

Apparently last year we didn't talk about our status as a foster family.  I was in between placements when I saw him last year and I guess it never came up (seriously...how it didn't is beyond me).  We made small talk about fostering for a little bit and then he got down to it...the lecture.

I heard about someone in his life that had a really large family (more than a dozen kids), more than half of whom were adopted (vs. biological), a set of biological children that were bitter and rebeling against the whole foster-to-adopt experience because of lack of resources and parental time and feeling left out and etc., etc., etc.  There was institutionalization due to some of the horrific things that happen in foster care/adoption (and "regular" families too, by the way).  There was drug abuse/addiction.  I even heard about the tatoos.  I heard about how there wasn't enough money to send their children to college and about what a saint the dad was and about how the parents now wish (maybe) they hadn't adopted but instead fostered without adopting.

His point was that I really needed to pay attention to my "own" (what I'd rather call "core" family), especially as someone with a busy career and a husband who needs me, making sure I don't bite off more than I can chew.  When I came back after the fact he made sure to tell me if I'm going to live this life I need to make sure I take better care of myself (eating/excersizing habits) so I can endure.

I sat there listening to him not sure how to react.  Everything in mie wanted to rebut everything he was saying:

• I don't have (more than a dozen) kids.  I have 6.
• The state I live in (vs. the person he was talking about) only allows us to have 6 kids in my home without additional licensing processes that we have no desire to go through at this time.  6 is our max.
• God will provide. Part of that provision is college to those adopted from foster care.  With that said 5 of my 6 kids will have college paid for - we'd have to come up with funding for 1 child.  ONE - and that's assuming college is mandatory or something.  Now, I fully support education and don't want my Ph.D. revoked but that is not THE most important thing in the world - nor is being able to setup a trust fund so my kids can go to school without working some.  Those might be goals but it isn't what drive me (and yes, I have told my kids they are going to college). 
• God will provide, and has.  Resources are not unlimited but we have plenty of space and funds.  Time and energy are not always in abundance but God provides.  Always.
• We've BTDT with "dangerous" kids.  I will do everything in my power to keep all of my kids safe but I refuse to live my life in a complete bubble so we're always happy and healthy and risk-free.  We put boundaries in place, try to remain vigilant, and pray.
• ...and last but not least:

So what do we do then?  Nothing?  We sit by with our more than enough and huddle as a core family and never let anyone in and never risk being hurt and just take care of ourselves and forget everyone else?  Save our money and go on nice vacations and wear nice clothes and eat out at nice meals where people don't look like we're as crazy as the kids are acting at our table? We do all this while there are children around us that do not have a family to keep them safe?  So what, at the end of our life we can sit on the porch in some lakehouse or beachhouse somewhere by ourselves counting our money recounting all of those times we were safe together in our easy little life?  So that we can die with a lot and meet God and tell him what?  That we buried our treasure to keep it safe?

I think we know what His answer is to that...

And yet I said none of that.  Instead I sat there pondering the wisdom I could gleam from his lecture.  He is a believer and I know does have some knowledge and wisdom to share.  If God partnered us up, surely there was something God wanted me to hear from what the good ol' doc had to say.  Here's what I came up with, much of which I already knew but it was a decent reminder:

• Keep your first things first.  He said my marriage is my primary relationship - not knowing my faith I know why he would say this and would agree if you're not counting my relationship with God, but of course I count that relationship and intellectually put it first.
• Make sure my relationships know where they stand.  Intellectually I know to put God first but do I?  My husband is my second priority but does he always know that?  Does he take priority over my children? Do I actively appreciate him enough?  How can I bless him more?
• Make sure my forever children know how special they are.  I don't mean this in that they are more important than fosters or that my bio is more important than my adopted.  One thing I like about foster care is it helps my children see they are not the center of the universe.  BUT, I do believe my kids need to know that they are enough, that they were fearfully and wonderfully made, and that they are worth fighting for too.  Because of the situations we find ourselves in as foster parents we often end up "fighting" for our foster children by advocating for them in the system with CASA and CPS workers and lawyers and the court.  Our family sees this "fight".  I can see how that can end up sucking our time and energy dry and leading to us taking our "easy" children for granted.  I want my forever kids to know that they matter to us and to God as much as the other children.  I want them to know they are loved for who they are and who they were created to be.  I never want any of them to feel unloved or forgotten.
• Prayerfully consider every step.  Make sure no matter what we do we are trying to stay aligned with the will of God for each of our lives, not just having a sappy heart. 
• Take care of myself.  This one is complicated in that I don't believe in the whole "putting myself first" thing.  I'm not first.  I'm not meant to be first.  I am here to serve.  With that in mind I do need to take care of the temple I've been given, not becoming obsessed about my health or my looks but more importantly making sure my body has the energy from the right kinds of food and the appropriate rest it needs to continue to "do the good works laid out before me".  I do need to make healthier food choices and book regular time for exercising into my schedule.  I also need to go to the doc to follow-up on my narcolepsy (found out I was allergic to my meds in 2011 and haven't gone back) and to get my eyes fixed (per my vision screening I have a rare-ish eye condition).  

We all deal with advice from others.  Have you had a situation like mine?  How did you handle it? 

Working Mama Wednesday - But I Don't Wanna...

I work a lot.
I could definitely work more.
I probably should work more.

I've found myself thinking a few times that I need to expand my career into a new branch in an effort to expand my relevance and build up for an even higher-level position.  This is an odd thing for me to think about because even though I work very hard and have had great success so far I have never considered myself uber career-oriented.  In other words, I'm not the person who says I need to be the VP of X before I'm 35 - I've never really been that person.  Instead, I've always been the person who says I want to do the absolute best with the most impact where I'm at.  Period.  But nevertheless I've found myself thinking about this new opportunity that, by-the-way would likely be volunteer and in addition to my current more-than-full-time job.

Here's the thing.  At my company, position, and level, I don't have many peers that are in the same life-stage I'm in.  I'm easily the youngest person at the same pay-grade or at least it's very close.  Everyone else is older than me, most with kids raised and gone or in the final years of high-school. OR there's the men who have young kids with SAHMs at home.  Let's face it - empty nests and parenting teenagers is a much different parenting experience than parenting preschoolers and young schoolers, especially when those young kids are young and there's SIX of them.  (I literally have to remind myself frequently that I have an infant!!! Of course I'm tired!). 

My point is, the things that my peers are doing (in their careers) tend to be those things I'd associate with empty nesting.  I hear them saying (in my mind) "Now that the kids are grown..." and "Now that the kids are older..." "...I can finally do (insert career growing thing here)".  It's a sort of peer-pressure kind of thing.  Frankly, they weren't likely in the same position when they were my age or when their kids were the ages of my kids and I can't think of a single one that has 6 kids (or 24 really). 

I found myself thinking "someday the kids will be out of the house and then I'll be able to do these things", as if I actually want my kids to grow up and move out of the house.  It's kind of like the "someday I'll get to sleep through the night" thing while you have an infant.  But really, I don't want that.  Sure, I'd like life to be easier and physically less exhausting.  I'd like to have a shorter to-do list and get back to my hobbies.  I'd like to have a clean house.  I'd like to get back into exercising.  But I DO have an infant.  And an almost 3-year-old girl whose just getting the whole "terrible twos" thing.  And an almost 4 year old who's still in pull-ups because I gave up on potty training and who has more than enough spunk for THE ENTIRE WORLD.  And a 5-year-old boy almost ready to start kindergarten on medication for behavioral challenges who has huge potential to heal but needs a big enough role now.  And a 6 year old girl who's great but needs support in many ways.  And my super-duper 6 year old son who thrills my heart but needs his mommy to get through the life we lead. And 2 dogs that shed all over my house leaving tumbleweeds made of fur.  And a hubby who works a different schedule than the normal 9-5 leaving me alone with all of those kiddos every.waking.moment when I'm not phsyically at the office.  That all makes it pretty difficult to do all that stuff my peers are doing "for their career" or even just to take a shower more than 2x a week.

Yep - I'm a mom.  I like it that way.

Tuesday's Tears: When You Should be Sad but You're Not (Really)

There were a couple things that happened in my life today that made me really rethink my heart, compassion fatigue, and my concern for people in general.  As foster parents, I believe it is important for us to stop and check our hearts for too much hardening.  It's easy to get jaded or start looking out for #1 (our own personal interests) more than the interests of the creator and those may not always be the same thing.  I don't want to be jaded.  I want to continue to show compassion to the people in my life, all of them, as much as possible.

There was a death in my family yesterday.  I was only mildly sad, in part because I knew it was coming, in part because I was hoping it brought relief to my relative and my relative's caregivers, and in part because I didn't know this particular relative well at all.  Not knowing a relative well (or at least decently well) is somewhat foreign in my very large but relatively close-knit family, but this particular relative is one of 2-3 that I could identify that I never really knew.  So generally I'm not sad, not like I was when my uncle was murdered a few years ago or how I would be if anyone else in my family passed away.  I am, however, sad that I'm not sad.  Does that make sense?  I wish the situation were different for many reasons, that he had led a life where I would have had a role, that I would have known him more, that my family would have felt supported by me more during this process.  That is what I care about at this point, that and how my dad is feeling about this latest death in his family.

There was also interesting things happening in the kids case yesterday.  I'm trying to really limit what I put out here about this case even though it is by nature more or less anonymous anyway (which is why you don't see our kid count anymore - it's still here, behind the scenes).  There were more missed visits this week, a legal situation during the one visit that did happen which promises to complicate future visits.  Oh the mixed feelings.  On one hand, I hate that my kids had to experience what they had to experience during their visit - there are certainly worse things that could have happened and generally they were safe but they shouldn't have to experience stuff like that.  No kid should.  We shouldn't be talking about what worse could have happened you know?  I also feel bad for the parent that this situation happened.  Sometimes there's just bad luck.  Sometimes there's bad luck combined with bad choices.  This is one of those cases (so it seems) - if the bad choices weren't there then the bad luck wouldn't be so bad - but still, I do feel bad for the parent and the kids that this is a negative in the situation.  At the same time, I'm hopeful that this is what it takes to get the tide turned in favor of the KIDS who need permanency.  There were actually several things about the last visit that *should not* look favorable for the parent but it's hard to say how they will actually affect the case.  One thing is clear - yet another set of visits was canceled and that could push the people involved to be more supportive of termination and quality permanency.  I'm hoping.  I feel bad that I'm happy that there was this point of failure for the parent because I genuinely do support reunification and never ever want kids to be separated from their family when they can be reunified safely.  I just haven't seen that "reunified safely" thing work in even 10% of my kids lives.  2/24 kids have been reunified "permanently" with the family they were removed from.  That's it.  Several have happy endings but I just haven't seen it work well very often and the "evidence" in this case is like those that weren't successful, not like those that were. 

Our kids decided they wanted to change their names last night.  They initiated the conversation (knowing Summer's name was changed when she was adopted - when the judge said she could stay forever).  It seemed to be their way of letting us know they want to stay forever, after the crazy of their visit (but we didn't talk about it that way).  They were all excited about their new names and then dropped the bomb - they were going to tell their parent about their new names when they saw them next.  *Insert screeching car sound here*  We put our foot down and had to stop their fun, insisting they be called their actual name not their selected name until the judge tells them they can change their name.  On one hand I want them to be able to daydream about whatever they want to daydream about.  On the other hand I don't want to be accused of trying to steal these kids or even trying to change their names (that has not, at all, been something my hubby and I have been involved with - we will only even consider that with any reality when everyone in the case is aligned on termination and a trial happens or a voluntary agreement is signed...that's it).  I don't want anyone to think we're trying to sabotage the parent's attempts to reunify because we're not.  BUT, the kids - what about what they want?  When does that count?

So today I'm taking inventory. I  don't really have good answers about what I *should* be feeling.  There are always mixed emotions in foster care and in life in general.  I'm glad I don't have to have all the answers.

Foster Parent Friday - Controlling Your Tongue

Wise foster parents often consider the impact of their actions knowing someone could be watching because in reality, someone always is and the consequences as a foster parent can be far more damaging than as a traditional parent.  This isn't about paranoia, it's about realizing that there is a legal system and a social work system and fierce emotions all wrapped up into one big package called foster care and in no way is any one of those parties interested in staying calm to investigate a situation.  And, who really wants an investigation anyway - just one more hassle that should be avoided at all costs most of the time.  Clearly this means we need to avoid prohibited things like the plague (no spanking, lock up your meds and chemicals, don't use drugs - you know, all the stuff bio-families don't have to do...) but it also means we have to watch what we say, even when it is innocent in nature and may be culturally accepted in your family or even in society.  It doesn't mean you have to become mute, but should pose a challenge if you're doing it correctly.  I have a few types of conversations/phrases in mind that you should pay attention to and will present over a series of posts.  Today we're going to talk about Negative Talk about Family Memebers.

The Situation:  It is so easy to become self-righteous or even just angry at bio-family because of their often stupid choices and end up saying something too close to little ears or even saying something to the little ears directly.  It's understandable - as foster parents we see the impact of their choices.  We see how the kids are hurt (and damaged) by missed visits, drug use, crazy parenting, and all the other stuff that leads kids to be in our homes in the first place.  We love the kids and are hurt when they're hurt (hello compassion fatigue!).  So many of us feel the need to talk about it with our spouses, other foster parents, friends, family, the grocery store clerk...OR...we love the kids day in day out.  We're they're for them.  We keep them safe and are constantly working on helping them heal and too our shock and dismay the little boogers will insist on talking about their birth families as saints - how much they love them, the dollar they got at their last visit, their parent's new home that may or may not exist - we want to tell the kids how lousy their parents really are. 

Why it's a problem: If we're really in it for the best interest of the kids then this type of behavior serves no real purpose.  It's not helpful for us to tell our kids how really bad their parents are in most circumstances.  Pointing out to them how stupid their parent is for buying the new bathing suit 2 sizes too small despite having provided them the correct size only helps you vent, it doesn't help the kiddo feel any better about their situation nor does it help your bonding with the child (if that's your intent).  Most children feel a connection to their first families and relate part of their identity to their family of origin (whether or not they have a relationship or the quality of that relationship).  When we put their family down directly or indirectly we often inadvertantly chip away at their self-esteem in ways none of us fully understand at the time.  Put it this way - if my parent was too stupid to buy a bathing suit in my size then maybe I'm stupid like they are OR maybe I'm not worth them spending the time to get the right size.  I don't want my kids thinking like that.  This type of behavior can be damaging even when talking where little ears can't hear.  Friends/family/strangers may inadvertantly wonder if your child has inherited certain traits (maybe not stupidity but what about impulsiveness like the parents?) and begin responding to the child accordingly so that a self-fulfilling prophecy effect occurs.  OR, friends/family/strangers say something directly to the children.  OR, because of your negativity those friends/family/strangers who would have considered fostering themselves decided they're not up for the crazy when in reality that particular crazy is only a tiny part of the job.  OR, friends/family/strangers decide they don't want to hang out with you because your talk is so negative and you lose that vital support.  None of these options are particularly helpful for the children in your care or ultimately you as the caregiver.  Finally, it's not helpful for the bio-families.  Yes, I care about them too and so should you.  Reunification with a healthy family is always the best option for the kids we love and we're only making it harder by gossiping about their imperfections.  We would say we need to be encouraging to our friends who struggle with an imperfection - why not the families?  Even when the reunification isn't the best option because the family cannot or will not be healthy for the children, when you adopt you want to be able to tell the child you did everything you could to help get them back with their first family.  Can you honestly say that knowing you spent XX amount of time putting them down?

The solution: Speak the truth in love and take the opportunity to build your kids up.  You don't need to lie and sugar coat the situation but there are ways to say things that are helpful. 

1. Explain the situation in age-appropriate terms: Let's say a parent misses a visit because they were high - You could tell the child "I'm sorry you didn't get to visit with mommy/daddy today.  Mommy/Daddy was too sick today to keep you safe and healthy".  Then, depending on age/maturity you could modify the underlined piece with one of the following: "...unable to make good choices today", "...still taking drugs/drinking too much alcohol today," or something similar based on the child's ability to understand the details of the situation. 
2. Show empathy: "It is so (sad, mad, confusing, hurtful, etc.)" when mommy and daddy miss a visit.  Whenever possible, use feelings your kids have identified though you may need to help them figure out their big feeligns.  It's ok to explain how it makes you feel too - I often tell my kids "It makes me sad and cry too".  Don't just assume you know how the child feels though or focus entirely on your emotions.  It's even ok to say "I know you were looking forward to visiting them" or "I hope you get to see them next week" as long as it is true, authentic, and child-centered.
3. Encourage: "You deserve a mommy and daddy that will always keep you safe" or "You're so very important and we need to make sure you stay safe" are good options.  In the encouragement try to focus on those pieces of self-identity that is damaged by the event like their self-esteem or image.  If the parent sees them and comments negatively on their outfit, for example (and yes that does happen), you can say "You are so beautiful and it hurts when someone says something like that" or something similar.
4. Act: Give the child something they can do about it - empower them in the right direction to help avoid turning their energy into something negative.  In our family this often involves praying for their family but it could involve a variety of things as the situation warrants - write a journal entry, draw a beautiful picture of yourself/write an essay about all the beautiful things about you/play the "i'm beautiful because" game, volunteer to help those in similar situations as the parents - serve soup to the homeless, collect bars of soap for the local treatment center, etc.  I'm coming up with random things here but in essence you want to find something age appropriate and situation appropriate to help them feel empowered over the situation.  If you're planning on doing something more formal for volunteering or an activity that involves more intense emotions I'd recommend doing it conjunction with a trained therapist or licensed counselor to ensure they are supportive and aligned but there are almost always things you can do to help a child of any age feel empowered in a simple way.

These suggestions are helpful for talking to kids (if I do say so myself) but what do you do with your own desire/need to discuss the crazy things first parents do?  Though I'd always recommend speaking the truth in love, I'd say there are probably a few things to consider about the types of people you can talk to and what you should say with each one:

1. Counselors/Therapists - Sure - foster parents need them too!  They can be a great resource when you're struggling to make sense of it all or need to vocalize the crazy in a confidential manner.  "I'm angry because my foster kids' first families use drugs repeatedly and I think they're stupid" or "It frustrates me that my kids' first family finds the money to smoke crack and pay for those stupid rims on that car but they can't find a safe place to live or bring a decent lunch for their kids during the visits" are perfectly acceptable things to share with the counselor". 
2. Spouse - I'd generally say that conversations between spouses can and should be perfectly honest as well and it's important for spouses to feel like they can share those ugly feelings they have from time-to-time with each other.  There are two main cautions.  First - make sure there is no possible way for anyone else to hear.  This might be a coffee date, a late-late night conversation when you know the kids are in bed or a break-time conversation when you're both at work but you don't want your kids (forever or foster) to hear a word of what you are saying if you're going to be negative about the first parents.  Second - you want to watch how much of your conversations with your spouse are aimed at foster care at all, especially the negatives about foster care.  You need to focus on your relationship, building it up and enjoying each other at least as much as you're tearing down other people, amen?  You also want to be encouraging to your spouse so too much time for either of you "being honest" about foster relatives might not be helping you reach that goal. 
3. Friends/Family - You may have a friend or family that is close that you share more with and then the rules of speaking to your spouse likely apply here.  For most family and friends though I'd recommend sharing information sparingly, as needed, and always with love and respect toward the first family.  If you can't do that, don't share with them until you can.  The more distant family and friends will tend to hear the negative over the positives of fostering and will have one of two reactions - they will want to avoid the drama and therefore avoid you or they will join in the drama/gossipping/emotion purging.  The first response will harm your support system and likely cause more drama (why don't they want to hang with me anymore - wahhh!).  The second will drag them down and likely drag you further into complaining and whining about the parents without helping encourage you or with benefits for the kids.  These more distant folks will also be less likely to be discreet with the information you share because they're not as close to the system as you are so it's possible they make comments at some point while the kids or others you don't want to hear are around.  Try and stay positive but honest with friends and family and keep the verbal purging to your counselor, spouse, or closest friend/family member.
4. Foster Parent Support Groups - My gut wants to say these groups are fair game but you need to be careful here too.  There is no one else who gets the situation more completely than other experienced foster parents and therefore it can be so therapeutic to share with these friends.  They understand confidentiality and a good group understands that you love foster care (enough to do it!) even when you spend some time complaining about the crazy.  They have their own crazy and sometimes it's nice to hear you're not the only one but at the end of the day you all love your kids and understand why you do what you do.  The caution here is two-fold.  First, you want this type of group to be encouraging so be careful to spend more time encouraging each other than gossiping about the crazy.  Second, there are often new foster parents, prospective foster parents, or people who may not personally know you well in these groups and you don't want to lead them astray.  

Ultimately, when speaking about foster care, especially about a particular case involving negative first families, try remembering that what you share is reflective of your heart.  We may not like all of the first families and we may hate what they do, rightfully so.  They are still people and if you believe like I do they are children of the most high God, in desperate need of the grace and salvation I've received.  It is not solely because of mie that I was spared from walking the road they're on - I should not be proud but instead should realize that I too deserve death for the ways I'm ugly on the inside too.  When we're spending too much time griping about the sins of the first parents it's easy to forget our own or lose sight of the grace we were given to spare us that walk.  If our heart is full of thanksgiving for our own grace our mouths should be overflowing with that thanksgiving rather than condemnation for those already condemned.  We're human - we'll make mistakes and we sometimes need to share what's on our mind in a safe way - but when we find ourselves spending all our verbal energy bashing first families it should give us pause to consider the state of our hearts.  Even when first parents are pure evil (and sometimes they are) it serves us better to acknowledge the evil and move on rather than stay to wallow in their filth, bringing us down with them.  That doesn't help them, it doesn't help us, it doesn't help our kids. 

Do you have any techniques or suggestions to add?

Quick Updates - Quickness is Necessary

Dear Friends - I'm busy.  Super busy.  I mean, a full-time working mom to 3 (or 6) children is busy.  But right now I'm more busy than usual and behind.  I'm simultaneously trying to catch up at work (and keep afloat at the same time), work on a special project, write a chapter in a book about foster care, celebrate kindergarten graduation, correct really bad 3 year old behavior through attachment-related and therapeutic parenting and extra time at school and extra prayer and tears, and finally say goodbye to friends who are leaving out-of-state.  OH YEAH, and go through the process to actually bring the children we've been waiting 5 months for into our home.  It's been busy.

*Logan had his graduation today.  Fun times.  He still has to actually finish school (weird) but graduation was fun and we were able to make a day of it.

*Summer is about to get kicked out of preschool for her behavior.  She's done GREAT this week though, which is encouraging after we've been working SO hard at reversing the trend she's been on but we really need a miracle here. 

*We ARE moving forward with bringing the kids to our home.  We had a couple visits last week with just the hubby, myself, and the 3 new kids to start the process.  Then this weekend we had them all weekend.  It was wonderful.  Much better than either of us could have planned.  We do plan to have them move in with us very soon and we look forward to the day when they start graduating from the child seats because it takes 8 minutes to buckle the 6 children, all of whom are in car seats, into the car not to mention getting them all (and their stuff) out there.  Amen.

*Today I took my forever kids to the water park to celebrate Logan's graduation.  Except, they closed 5 minutes after we got there for a private event.  I wasn't nice to the person at the gate.  Lord forgive me.  So, because I have a ton of time on my hands and I couldn't bare to let the kiddos down and it was perhaps the last time I might get a chance to go with just the two of them, I drove to the next closest water park 40 miles away (and got lost several times to add to the time).  We had fun.  Then I drove another 90 minutes home (accounting for a dinner stop and gas and such).  Summer peed in her car seat and spilt an entire bottle of juice in the one next to her.  We have 3 car seat (covers) in the washing machine right now.

*We booked our trip to Sea World this year.  For a family of 8 for a 5 day vacation we are paying $1100.  That is $27 per person, per day if you were counting, including entry to the park (for every day, if we wanted), hotel, and most everything else.  Best of all - if for some reason the kids don't come live with us, we're not out any money (though our hotel room will be bigger than necesary, I suppose).  Of course that would bring our average to $44 per person per day.  Yes, we'd be happy to have a family vacation for 8 to Sea World.  You judge if we're crazy or not.  You're going to anyway.

*I've received several inquiries over the last two weeks for new readers who would like me to contact them.  Welcome new readers!  I DO want to contact you.  I'm going to as soon as I possibly can.  I'm not trying to ignore you and you are important to me.  Hang in there.  I'll do my best, really.

I'm also not pregnant, in case you were wondering.  So there you have it.

A Mouse at the Corner of Ugly and Ugly - Beauty is Still in Sight

We are finally making progress in the attempt to have the siblings come live with us.  Progress - as in I actually have a date (that I refuse to actually write down because last time I did it changed before I made two phone calls).

Now I'm being warned - this behavior may be too much.  Is daycare really the right choice?  This behavior may be too much.  "I'm concerned about the behavior".

I've known about the behavioral challenges from the beginning but as things go (and cases too) when children are moved repeatedly behaviors tend to become overexaggerated.  Behaviors can be scary in some circumstances.  Lifestyle change due to behaviors can be even more scary.  The thought of how our lives might have to change to accomodate these children causes a bit of stress.

Then though there is the compounding fear - what if it IS too much.  What if we have to ask them to be removed?  The thought is unbearable.  It would mean yet another move for these children.  And for us.

It would also mean with certainty baby baby would be moved.  Once the children are together they will not be separated for almost any reason regardless of who has more relationship with whom at that point.

So we stand at a cross-road.  Today for us life is great except we know our baby has siblings, children I've felt like were "mine" from the beginning, who are not with us.  Right before us we have two paths.  One involves bringing the children into our home with the chance of healing, permanency, and hope but the very real risk of chaos, RAD, & ODD.  We are committed to not letting that be a reason to stop us and yet if for some reason it doesn't work out this path is forward only and at some point we would face the decision to let them ALL go, including our baby, or accept the consequences of keeping them all.  The other involves NOT bringing the children into our home because of our fears of what could be.  In the end we'd lose baby baby with that plan as well as they'd seek to find another home for all 4.  This is it.  There's no going back.

I described this whole 5-month process as feeling like a mouse being led around with a piece of cheese in front of my nose.  I see the cheese and I'm pursuing it but as I do I run across this wall and that obstacle.  It's been very hard to find the other end of the maze.  I know that someone is holding the cheese and someone is putting up obstacles.  The challenge is  - I'm not sure who is who.  Is it devinely appointed that we should follow that cheese, that God continues to whisper "keep going - it will be worth it", even when we face obstacle after obstacle designed to keep these children from a forever home that will help them heal?  OR, is the cheese a distraction from something else we're supposed to be pursuing and God continues to save us from that path by putting the obstacles in front of us to protect us?  I honestly feel like it could be either and I'm not always confident as to which way to turn.

I suppose this is where Matthew 6:33 comes into play, that I should seek 1st the Kingdom and everything else will work its way out (my paraphrase), but it's in the practical, daily steps where that begins to be hard.  This does though give me hope.  As I run around in this little maze with cheese and stumbling blocks galore what I do know is that on the other side the true reward remains.  I must run this race, maze and all, with perseverance to obtain the prize and even though today I'm at the corner of Ugly and Ugly, there is beauty where the sidewalk ends.  Of this I am certain.

Guest Post: Intentional Parenting - Buildling Your Child's Safety Net

I came across Stacy from To Have Hope through an announcement about her new book (referenced below).  As both a foster and adoptive parent to children with traumatic backgrounds the idea of having hope was more than enough to hook mie.  We all need support on this journey.  (Speaking of - have you donated yet?).  I love what Stacy's doing and I love her message.  I asked her to share a bit with us on some of the key points that drive her mission.  After you read, I highly recommend you check out her new book, her website, and the many resources she's made available.

As we have walked our twelve year journey as adoptive parents, it has become glaringly clear that we must be Intentional Parents. We must make the choice to do “it” differently than other families, do “it” longer than other parents and sometimes do “it” under the microscope of all the bystanders in our lives. The reality is that parenting adopted/foster children has to come from a place that is rooted in meeting your child where he or she is …emotionally, psychologically, physiologically and physically, whether or not society, or even your own instincts, agree.


The question quickly becomes how? How do we deal with the everyday hurdles that get in the way of creating strong, healthy relationships such as lying, stealing, tantruming or aggression? I strongly believe that the answer is to intentionally choose to create a plan that will build your child’s safety net. A safety net is that assurance of survival an infant receives beginning in utero, the assurance that will eventually be the foundation of self-esteem, intelligence and that all important sense of belonging and worthiness. The safety net is the promise of survival. It is the respirations, heart rate and calming voice an infant is born knowing as its source of nourishment - first, nourishment for growth, but later nourishment that lends itself to creating a safe place from which your child can come-and-go to explore the world, learn that he can make a positive impact on it and then operate in relationships with a healthy sense of his own Bneeds and the needs of others. Unfortunately, our children come to us with their nets terribly damaged or totally gone; they have learned not to rely on that net—they have a difficult time trusting others, being parented and participating in intimate relationships. They need a net. Better yet, they deserve a net!

We follow a simple formula to help us intentionally build and maintain each of our children’s safety nets. The formula has to be considered a living, breathing entity because we are dealing with living, breathing children. Even though the components are numbered, it is meant to be used more in a cyclical fashion. With each developmental stage or life event, our children are being challenged and we will most likely need to revisit portions of the formula over and over again.

Component 1 – Move Your Own Stuff. In this component, we choose to look at what hurdles could possibly be put there by our own wounds, experiences and expectations. Then, it is important to sort them out and set them aside.

Component 2 – Educate Yourself. Many of us have done a lot of research and are probably more experts in our child’s diagnoses than the experts themselves, but it is important that we can apply that knowledge in everyday difficult situations.

Component 3 – Use Tools and Techniques that Build and Maintain the Net. Here’s where we get down to the actual tying of the knots of the net. It takes great consistency and perseverance, but if you are open to learning new tools and techniques, the net will begin to take shape.

Component 4 – Keep On Keepin’ On. Without Component 4, the other three are pretty much useless. Component 4 reminds us that this is a long journey and that in order to maintain the net, we must surround ourselves with support, have an action plan so we can parent in a healing manner, learn to measure progress lest we give up, nurture our closest relationships to have the strength it takes to hold the net and choose to forgive ourselves for our parenting blunders so we can begin fresh every day.

This formula has really become a way of life for us. As we intentionally hold our children’s safety nets through daily struggles and developmental stages along with the big storms of life, they have slowly come to rely on the net…they have come to rely on us. We have witnessed our older adopted children let the net hold them, protect them and even guide them…they no longer have to do it on their own...they have come to trust the net. As they trust the net to take care of them, they are beginning to trust the message the net holds…YOU are worthy of good! They are beginning to believe, at their core, that they are loved no matter what, they are good enough no matter what and that they are fully a part of our family and always will be...no matter what!

As it is for many other adoptive/foster families, it has been a difficult and tumultuous journey. We often felt alone and hopeless and it is out of our struggles that my vow to walk beside other families was born. Over the past ten years, I have been in the trenches with many families offering advice, insight and sometimes just an understanding ear. These experiences, the unceasing devotion of so many parents and the endless stories of others out there struggling to become a family became the energy I needed to put down on paper a formula that I have seen in action, a formula that helps to create an environment conducive to attachment, a place where life can be more peaceful, a place of hope for a better future. My book is Adoptive Parent Intentional Parent: A Formula for Building and Maintaining Your Child’s Safety Net. It is packed with tools and techniques that really work in everyday situations. My hope is that your family will find it to be a useful resource.

To receive more tools, techniques and every day tid-bits please join Hope Connections on Facebook. To receive a monthly newsletter or to find my book you can visit my website www.tohavehope.com or go to amazon.com.

Thanks for sharing Stacy!   So - what are you all doing to build your children's safety nets?  What challenges do you face as you parent intentionally?  How do you overcome those challenges? ...let's share to encourage each other toward hope :)

Foster Parent Friday: Give Yourself a Break

My hubby and I got ourselves really busy this week to get our home in great condition to show to our new, temporary FAD worker (our caseworker, not for the kids) who was (finally) coming to get the show on the road for #16's siblings.  Everyone in this case is concerned about finding a long-term home for these kids, members of a large sibling group, and that is difficult to do.  They have been concerned from the beginning about these things and whether our home with then 6 children 6 and under would be acceptable.  Everyone has shown concern for my husband and I and whether or not we are indeed happy, not just ok, with this move.  That is one reason this all has taken time.

As we moved through the home cleaning room by room it was painfully obvious that some things had been ignored from an organization perspective.  There were several areas that had become dumping grounds and though the house was generally clean and safe for all of us, it just wasn't as functional as it could have been because of the abundance of clutter in some of the rooms.  Things just needed to be put away.

Things like the Christmas decorations.  I'm not sure if I posted this here or not but we didn't put our Christmas decorations away until St. Patrick's Day.  (and by away I mean most, not all, in boxes).  These boxes were left scattered in the office with things I'd purchased after Christmas for next year in bags or just left on the floor.  It was a mess.  Hence - we didn't go into the office.  Not going into the office means not putting boxes in the office away.  It wasn't going to get fixed.

The 'media' room was equally in shambles.  It had 3 beds in there and had been turned into a fort by the kids, where they had stored a bunch of toys and books from the playroom.

As my hubby and I finished up our cleaning (which we DID accomplish, finally), we looked at each other and shook our heads.  Could we believe we were finally putting the boxes away into the attic?

I made us stop for a second.  Yes, I could believe it.

The day after Christmas we welcomed a new baby into our home.  This new baby came straight from the hospital and was days old.  We had no knowledge of him prior to the call around noon on the 26th. 

I had to remind my husband and myself that we need to give ourselves a break.  In reality, there are very few parents out there who suddenly have a baby they had no knowledge about dropped on their doorsteps with only a couple hours notice.  Most moms giving birth have somewhere around 40 weeks (or at least 5-6 months) to plan for the arrival of their baby.  They're able to get a nursery ready and purchase the things they need and wash the clothes and all that jazz.  They're able to research childcare if mom is working, which wouldn't start until 6-8 weeks or so after the baby was born because mom would get to take time off, often paid by disability or savings that had been saved during pregnancy.  Grandparents or other relatives are able to plan to arrive to help the family with the new baby since they too had some knowledge.  Friends and family setup meals for those first few weeks and sometimes lend other support like cleaning the house or what not to help the mom adjust to the new baby.

None of that happened for us.  We got a new precious baby on Thursday.  I had already planned to take the next 5 days or so off for the holidays before going back to work.  Thankfully I was able to extend to 8 days or so pretty easily, but I went back to work with a 10-day old baby (whom, remember, I hadn't planned for...).  He was too young to take to childcare so we'd hurried to find a private nanny at $100 per day.  Do the math - that was just one of our children and not reimbursed by foster care childcare payments - we were on our own.  Speaking of childcare, I had to use those 8 days to hurry to find a childcare location who'd have a spot open for him when he was old enough (who also took state funding) - I hadn't had the time to put ourselves on a waiting list months in advance.  To help curb the cost of the nanny my hubby agreed to take full responsibility of the baby a couple days per week.  Those days were usually his days off when he would have taken care of things like taking down and putting away decorations or fixing the fence that blew over during a windstorm (yes. that happened during this time too).  We had no provided meals.  No help from grandparents (this is not a slam - just the truth - they had just visited a couple weeks before and it's unreasonable for us to think they could drop everything and pay outrageous last-minute airfare during the major holiday traffic time!).  It was just us, our little family with support from my sister who lives local (but also is a foster parent with her own brood).

But it didn't stop there.  Did I mention the ground was unusually covered with snow when the baby arrived?  Two days later we accepted 2 more kiddos who only spoke a language other than English.  These two attended a school different than the one the baby would attend weeks later.  A few days later we learned about the siblings.  5 weeks later I had to travel for a week for work and my hubby maintained the fort at home with 5 kids by himself.  3 weeks later our older two left.  2 weeks later another older two joined as a potential adoptive placement.  4 weeks later they left. 

In other words, since Christmas not only have we welcomed a surprise newborn but also 4 other children who have since come and gone.  (not to mention the emotional roller coaster of waiting for #16's siblings for the past 4 months).

Yes - I can believe we let the media room, which has a closed door and is separated from the main living area of the house, be built into a messy fort for 3 months or so.  Yes - I believe we didn't put away the Christmas decoration boxes into the attic until May.  We've also done some really important things for real-live human beings who needed a safe-stable (and fun!) family.  I know this was right.  On the other side I don't think we're going to hear "shame on you for leaving your Christmas decorations out a few extra months".  Nope. 

Lest you see this as a complaint let me acknowledge that we did, indeed, sign-up for this.  This isn't a rant about not having support from friends and family when we welcome OUR kids into our home.  There is NO bitterness there at all.  WE could have said no.  We didn't have to accept any or all of the placements we accepted in the recent past.  The point is not say "Woe is mie - feel sorry for us".  I would tell you we are FAR more blessed because we walk this road than the amount of work we have on our plate.

Instead - my point is to encourage you.  Stack of dishes in the sink?  It's ok.  That too-full closet you don't want to open?  You can get to it later.  Are your Christmas decorations still out?  (come on - don't leave me hangin here...).  It's not the end of the world.  Did you miss the church volunteer day because your kid was in the hospital for a week? 

Give yourself a break.  Really.  Keep on truckin and take care of it when you can but never forget that the road you are walking has impact far beyond whether your rose bushes were pruned well this past winter. 

Go on - pause. breathe. carry-on.