Foster Parent Friday - Between Fosterhood and Adoption

We are currently in that awkward stage between fosterhood, where everything is by the book and you don't know what is coming around the next corner, and adoption where you move on with your life as a forever family.  We've had a termination trial, had a final order signed (after a random 3 1/2 month wait), and waited out our 90 day appeal period.  This puts us in the place where the department (CPS) has permanent managing coservatorship of our kiddos (in other words is the permanent parents and legally responsible party) and biological parents no longer have any parental rights (and, theoretically in most cases would be out of the picture at least in a far distant corner of the picture).

While there is "no chance" the biological family can come back around and try to regain custody somehow, we are still not their forever, legal, family. Technically, we are still foster parents and will remain so until the adoption is finalized.  This is such an awkward place to be because in our heads and hearts we are their parents, we are a family, and nothing will change that.  The decision to adopt these children has come and gone.  The kids call us mom and dad.  They are all siblings.  Generally, day-to-day, our life is now normal as if it will be after adoption.

There are some things, however, that are still not normal.  We no longer have to deal with parental visits but we do still need to schedule time for CASA visits 2x per month (or more because she also likes to spend time 1x1 with the kiddos), monthly with the children's caseworker, and now monthly with our family's caseworker because they changed the rules from quarterly to monthly on us.  We no longer have to try to fit in court regularly, worrying about whether the judge will send them home, but we do have to arrange for "263 hearings" on occasion.  We aren't dealing with weekly supervised and unsupervised visits but we are still managing monthly contact with their birth father per our agreement (this will continue post adoption).  Birth mother doesn't get to see or talk to them but that doesn't mean she doesn't try regularly.  I am happy to report that we've been told (in writing) we no longer have to worry about cutting their hair but I'll tell you, after having chopped off 8 inches from one of my daughter's locks, I still worry about whether they'll approve of my choices or not.  These things are all manageable nuisances that I understand and deal with but look forward to getting rid of.  

Then there is the category of things that really grates on mie.  I still cannot make decisions on my own for
"my" kids like I can for my forever kids.  I can't take them on an impromptu weekend vacation (though it wouldn't be too hard for me to get permission).  I can't let them camp out in my room one night to watch a movie as a family before we go to bed.  I can't let them camp out in the playroom together one night either, for that matter.  Technically I can't let them go spend the night with their cousins or let their cousins spend the night at my home and I still have to worry whether we'll get a surprise inspection by licensing and have a friend over who hasn't had a background check.  Though we have "safe" places for "not-too-dangerous" medication that our 1 year old son needs several times a day,  I still have to double-lock it on the off-chance someone will stop by and go digging through our cabinets.  And I still can't have a trampoline.

Then we have our awkward situation with names.  We're only kind-of allowed to call our children by their new adoptive names.  This is ok for our younger kiddos (one of whom insists her name is her new name anyway and handles that for us) but it is difficult for our older kiddos who are starting new classes this next year and need to know how to read, write, and respond to their new names.  Their names aren't legally changing until a couple days after school starts so we can't technically call them by their new names and I'm ok with that except for the fact that they need to be used to responding to their teachers and writing their new names when school comes.  Plus, I'd like to purchase some personal supplies and I don't want to be accused of pushing the lines.  

Finally - the thing that is most challenging for me during this time - still being foster mom.  Generally this is not a  problem for mie (see above list of annoyances).  But there are those times I'm asked the dreaded question, usually by people in an official capacity:

"Are you his foster mom?"

I don't know why this gets at mie so much and I can't let it roll of my back but I've had a seriously hard time holding my tongue, especially when it comes to Baby Baby, the one I hear about it most.  He's a great kid with several medical challenges so I see a lot of specialists, nurses, and other staff who don't know anything about us except for what they see in the medical file.  They ask harmlessly but it seriously strikes as a knife when I hear it particularly because at this point in the case I'm forced to answer yes.  Yes, I suppose I am still his foster mom.  Oh and every time I hear it the Mama Bear in mie comes out and I want to scream to them through the phone...I am his ONLY mom.  I have raised this baby since he was 4 days old, since he came from the hospital.  He would not know his birth mother from anyone else.  I have been there for every moment with him, through hospitalizations and breathing treatments, through the milestones and celebrations. To HIM, I am his mama and he would tell you nothing else.  It is evident in the way he lights up and runs to mie when he sees mie (though daddy is the clear favorite right now).  In a crowded room I  am the one he runs to for safety.  But yes.  I am his foster mom.  Just foster mom.

Oh how I long for the day when I can say, without any sort of reservation, I am their mother, just plain mom, forever.

Foster Parent Friday - The "Dreaded" Homestudy

Q: What is a homestudy?  And what happens at a homestudy?  And what should I be prepared for?  And what questions are they going to ask?  And where are they going to look?  And...

A: Come on y'all - you've all been there right?  At least if you've gone through the licensing process for adoption and/or foster care, if you're in the process now, or if you've considered becoming licensed you've most definitely wondered about this nebulous and seemingly doom-ridden homestudy.  All the fear is absolutely justified when you consider that your homestudy is a major piece of the licensing process and usually one of the last steps before you get licensed (and start opening your home to kids).  I'll also say it's absolutely worth the fear that it produces in that typically the mystery and angst associated with a pending homestudy probably makes you prepare enough to "pass".

When we were going through the licensing process the homestudy gave me the heebie jeebies.  In truth I'm one of those recovering Type A & perfectionist personalities that needs to get everything right and ace every test.  When we went through classes we'd get a piece of paperwork to complete and I'd make copies and write and re-write it over again so I'd have nice, neat handwriting to go with my well-thought-out and complete answers.  I'd also usually do it the same evening when we came home from training so it was done well in advance of the due date.  I was baffled by the others in our class who failed to turn in paperwork on time and were repeatedly warned they had to do so before getting dropped from the licensing process.  My brain just couldn't fathom that level of (fill in the blank...irresponsibility, casual approach, etc.) when such a serious thing was on the line.

Throughout the licensing process I tried to find as much information as I could about the homestudy and the only thing I could ever find was that it wasn't a big deal.  I kept reading that it wasn't a "pass/fail" evaluation as much as it was an understanding of our home to be able to identify the best-fit when foster children needed a family.  I repeatedly found people who said they'd ask personal questions and maybe it would feel intrusive but it was harmless.  I found people who said to be tidy but not to worry about cleaning out every crevice.

People kept trying to tell me all would be well but I just couldn't believe them.  This big scary thing was in the way of my family's future so how could I not take it seriously and worry about it?  I cleaned and I worried as a bad housecleaner I wouldn't be good enough.  I thought about everything in my past, in my family's past, in my marriage, that may need to be discussed and how would I phrase it to be honest and yet not get myself disqualified.  My grandmother passed away the week of my homestudy and I fretted about how to respond about how that death in my family would disqualify our home from moving forward in the licensing process.  It was awful.  I did all that I could do and then hoped it would be enough.

I'm not going to be able to provide you with much more detail than that, at least not here because it's not really the point of this post (but email mie if you do have questions because I'd be happy to give the answers I have!).  What I wanted to point out today is how things have changed since those days so long ago.

We had our second adoptive homestudy on Wednesday.  You need to have an updated homestudy completed before you can adopt.  The updated study looks at how your family started out (likely provided in the original homestudy) and then expands on that to discuss how your family is with your future adoptive children to determine how the adoption will impact the family dynamic.  We've been here once before and the main thing to keep in mind is that this means we're getting closer to adoption!  WOOHOO!!!

What I found so fascinating in doing this second adoptive homestudy was how different it was than when we went through the process as foster parents.  For real - this time around we scheduled our homestudy on the most convenient day for us, which happened to be the same day our baby had surgery so we'd slept for 4 hours the night before and spent the morning at the hospital before the caseworker came over.  We hadn't cleaned at all in most of the house.  The only cleaning we did was in the kitchen to get rid of dirty dishes and really only that because we had the time.  A few minutes before she was supposed to arrive I dumped out 3 baskets full of unmatched socks and played the matching game with my husband while we waited for her to arrive.  I didn't have on any makeup and I wasn't wearing anything remotely nice.  When she finally arrived I doubt I had any shoes on and my baby had blood coming out of his ears (from his surgery).  We chatted in the kitchen for a while.  At some point I got a snack out and started eating while talking to her.  We even had a neighbor kid ring the doorbell to come play and I let him in to the backyard.  During our homestudy.  Toward the end my husband went outside to repair the backyard fence.  I had to discipline one of my difficult children and didn't bat an eye.  Although I cared about the result of the homestudy I had ZERO concern about the process itself.  I didn't feel the need to impress anyone and I didn't prep for it.

So, if you're nervous about your first homestudy good.  You should be as it will make you take this process seriously and this is a serious process.  Just try to remind yourself that once you get over this hurdle someday, if you're blessed to go through it again, you probably will look back yourself and think hmm...what was I so worried about back then?

Foster Parent Friday: Mediation???

Q: Mediation...What's that? (often more body language in a way to say...what does that mean for your life or in the case and how does that work?).

A:  Our case went to mediation on Wednesday.  Of course this means that in the weeks leading up to the big day we asked everyone we could for prayer that things would go smoothly.

In all honesty, I had a hard time asking for specific prayer.  What I wanted to say and we said in private was "PLEASE GOD LET THEM RELINQUISH!" but my mommy heart knows that termination of parental rights for any situation, voluntarily relinquished or not, is by nature trauma.  Yes, it can be the right answer but it still is finality for birth parents losing their children and it means our children were permanently removed from their birth parents.  Big mixed feelings.  Thankfully a sweet friend of mine called it out and said "OK...we'll pray they relinquish their rights and the babies can stay with you forever".  Thank you sweet friend for saying out loud what I'd been feeling in my heart.

As we've told people about mediation many times they've got that confused look on their face, wanting more information.  Being a foster parent is about people always wanting more information and I can't blame them.  People tend to know the concept of mediation - its a legal process where people get in a room and try to work out a deal - but how that relates to foster care is a bit foreign.  So here's my explanation.

Have you ever watched Law & Order (come on - certainly you have right!)?  Or any other police/lawyer drama/documentary?  You know when the DA offers a deal to the accused criminal...they say something like "we'll give you 15 years instead of life" and then there is a back and forth with the attorneys trying to come up with a deal?  The DA will say something like "Ok - we'll go to trial and you'll go to prison for life" or the defense attorney will say something like "Are you kidding?  You're evidence is circumstantial...we'll take our chances with a jury".  Though this isn't officially mediation, it gives you a good feel for how mediation is used in termination cases.

At the point a trial is going to termination, theoretically CPS and the DA that represents the department have decided that for some reason the birth parents are not safe for the children despite having been given every opportunity to do so.  In my experience, this usually happens at around the 6-9 month marker in a case because federal law requires cases to be done in 12 months, 18 with extenuating circumstances.  So at the 6-9 month point in a case a formal decision is usually made to keep going toward reunification (and start working the kids towards that with more frequent visits, maybe setting a go-home date, etc.) or the department decides to formally change the case goal to termination (and relative adoption, non-relative adoption, permanent managing conservatorship, etc.).  This means the case "will be going to trial", a trial date is set if one isn't already on the calendar (in my experience they put one on the calendar at the beginning of the case to mark the date and protect the judges calendar) and people in the case start working toward that goal.

Though the department sets the official case plan goal there are many other people who have to get aligned around that for termination to occur.  Certainly there are the named mother and father (or "unknown father" if that's the case) but there is also the Attorney Ad Litem (kids attorney) and Guardian At Litem (CASA or the AAL) also have to agree.  In some cases there are also people who have intervened in the case because they have a significant relationship with the child (could be a grandparent, aunt/uncle, cousin, brother/sister, or even longer term foster parents).  Just as in the Law & Order case, in order for trial to be successful evidence has to be strong but the list of people wanting to see "guilty" (termination) needs to be longer than the list wanting to see "not-guilty"...the goal is whenever possible to have trial work out in your favor.

In comes mediation...I believe it's either a rule OR at least best practice that mediation occurs before a termination trial.  Though much of the work is done ahead of time, mediation is a formal time for all parties to come to the table and try to work out a deal so that when trial comes the mediated agreement is presented to the court and the judge can make a final order (ruling) about the case that represents what everyone is in agreement with.  By doing this, trial is avoided and presumably the best interest of the kids has been preserved.  There's less risk that the judge will dismiss the case or the department will lose and the kids will be immediately sent back to an environment the dept. feels is unsafe.

The department's goal in mediation is typically to have the biological parents surrender (relinquish) their parental rights.  For a parent, surrendering rights voluntarily is usually better than having them terminated from a legal perspective.  Bluntly, if you have your rights terminated by the court (non-voluntary) you might have a goodbye visit and then you will never see your kids again.  Ever.  Furthermore in the state of Texas you are then subjected to automatically losing any future children you have, even if you get your life together.  Non-voluntary termination is grounds for both removal of a child and termination on future children.  That's a big deal in my book.  Most parents who love their children and have good attorneys will start to see the writing on the wall and be able to weigh the consequences of voluntarily relinquishing vs. taking their chances with the trial (judge or jury...it can happen either way).  The stronger the case is, the more likely a parent is to consider relinquishment.

To help relinquishment be a more desirable option for the birth family, the other parties usually come to the table with some sort of proposal that offers future contact, setting up a semi-open adoption rather than a closed one.  The minimum I usually see is cards/letters/pictures once a year to give the birth parents the chance to see their kids grow from a far.  When the case is remarkably strong and especially when there appears to be a serious danger to the child/adoptive family with contact, this may be all that is offered.  Anything can be on the table as a proposal including phone calls, in-person visits, medical records, or pretty much anything else that might be important to one of the parties.  This mediated agreement can also allow the family and children to have a healing, long-term relationship, keeping the parents in the kids' life without having them be the day-to-day parent any longer.

In Summer's adoption we agreed to have cards/letters/pictures twice a year and visits 2x a year.  Twice a year visits was "unheard of" as it was presented to us back then. In my sister's case, the agreement included quarterly visits, which seemed like A LOT.  We also included several stipulations that are fairly common including if 2 consecutive visits were missed, if they violated our privacy, if a professional indicated the visits were hurting her, or if when she turned 12 she decided she didn't want to visit anymore, the visits would cease and there would be no more agreement.  The agreement was null after the first 2 visits passed and the parents did not visit.  We continue to have a relationship with them nonetheless.

So - you're dying to know - how did our case turn out?  It's not over yet.  You'll need to stay tuned, like us, to hear the rest of the story.

Foster Parent Friday - Controlling Your Tongue (Part II)

Several weeks ago I became passionate about making sure I was controlling my tongue when it comes to foster care and thought I'd share my passion with you. You can find the first installment in this series here.  I'm not great at it, at all, but I'm trying and I know we can all try together.

Series Introduction
Wise foster parents often consider the impact of their actions knowing someone could be watching because in reality, someone always is and the consequences as a foster parent can be far more damaging than as a traditional parent.  This isn't about paranoia, it's about realizing that there is a legal system and a social work system and fierce emotions all wrapped up into one big package called foster care and in no way is any one of those parties interested in staying calm to investigate a situation.  And, who really wants an investigation anyway - just one more hassle that should be avoided at all costs most of the time.  Clearly this means we need to avoid prohibited things like the plague (no spanking, lock up your meds and chemicals, don't use drugs - you know, all the stuff bio-families don't have to do...) but it also means we have to watch what we say, even when it is innocent in nature and may be culturally accepted in your family or even in society.  It doesn't mean you have to become mute, but should pose a challenge if you're doing it correctly.  I have a few types of conversations/phrases in mind that you should pay attention to and will present over a series of posts.  Today we're going to talk about Negative Talk about Foster Care/The System.

The Situation: Foster care is hard.  Parenting children from hard places is difficult on its own. Then imagine wanting to plan holiday travel.  Will you go out of state for Thanksgiving or Christmas?  If you do who will come with you?  How much time can you take off because you'd have to drive all the way there because you can't buy airplane tickets not knowing which children will be with you.  Will the judge say it's ok?  Two hotel rooms or one?  You don't know these answers until up to 14 days before the trip (or less) - then you're stuck trying to FIND hotel rooms a few days before Christmas and facing $1000 (each) airplane tickets because you couldn't plan in advance.  That's just one example.  But oh wait, is the permanency hearing going to be that week?  Can you attend by phone?  What about their therapy?  Can you miss 1-2 weeks?  And which week are you going to schedule your monthly Caseworker and CASA visits?  The week before you leave when your house is torn up because you're trying to pack or the week after you get back when the kids are crazy and the house is torn up because you're trying to unpack?  Then you add in the complexity of having children bounce in and out of foster care because of laws and loopholes and all that jazz.

You get it.  Foster care is difficult.  It's fairly thankless too.  And OH how easy it is to hate the system with a passion.  When you're passionate, you want to share.  You want to tell everyone how messed up a particular county is, how judges hate CPS, how inconvenient it is to deal with all of the visits, and how hard it is to raise foster children.

Why It's a Problem: Now put on your other hat.  You're not a foster parent.  You think foster parenting is great and all but certainly not for you.  Afterall it's hard and there's those visits and the kids have weird behaviors and you can't plan family vacations.  That's what you've heard anyway.  The only real-life foster parent that you know told you so.  You will never, ever put yourself through the fire those crazy foster parents sign-up for.

Or put your foster parent hat back on.  You don't need me to tell you how difficult it is to be a foster parent.  You know it because you're living it.  So we go to coffee and spend our time chatting about how the system sucks and you can't even get away from it all to rest because doing so requires abundant coordination from the system that you hate so much.  At the end we part ways feeling a little bit closer, a little less alone in it all, but did we solve anything?  Did we encourage each other?  Did we make anything better so that when we go back home to the crazy lives we lead we're better equipped to handle it all?

Constant complaining and griping about foster care can discourage those who are meant to consider the journey and further buries us in the negative world that can surround is. 

The Solution: From James - Consider trials nothing but joy (1:2-4); Bless and don't curse (3:10-11); Pray, Praise the Lord, and Pray some more (5:13-16).

Here's the thing.  We all complain.  Sometimes we need to vent.  Sometimes we need to know there is someone else out there who has or is experiencing what we're going through.  We need to be understood.  The heart of the matter gets to our selfishness (wanting things to be our way, not dictated by the courts or the laws or other incomptent parents for darn sure!) and arrogance (we can certainly do better than THEY could do if we ruled the world). 

When I find myself complaining a lot its a symptom to mie that I'm weary and my perspective has shifted from where it is supposed to be, both of which are solved by returning to God to fill my spirit.  It's there I focus on who He created mie to be, my role vs. His, and all that is wrapped up in those two pieces.  When I'm busy focusing on God and all He has done I have less time to worry or complain about the things going wrong.  Nevertheless, even when I do have a grieving or weary or confused or frustrated heart, turning to God to purge my thoughts and feelings will be far more beneficial than turning to my relative or friend down the street.  They likely can't do anything to fix the problem but be there for us but God!  He can be there and renew our strength and actually move mountains to fix the crazy situations we find ourselves in.  It seems far more worthwhile to pray about my frustration than gripe about it with friends.

At the same time my advice from the last post still stands - we do need to speak the truth in love.  It is far different to tell a friend "It was a hard day today!  I can't understand why judge's make certain decisions" instead of "That judge is SO stupid."  Approaching the truth in love with foster parents and non-foster parents alike helps garner true support where we can get our feelings out (concerns, anger, frustration) without focusing on how everyone around us is far less superior than we are.  It still provides for foster friends to know they aren't alone while providing a safe place for non-foster friends to know the system is hard but we are real, normal people struggling through it with the help from the King of Kings.  We don't need to lie and pretend everything is sunshine and roses but our conversations with brothers and sisters should be uplifting and encouraging, leading each other closer to Christ as opposed to dragging each other down.

Finally, we do need to continue to advocate for our children either within a case or regarding The System as a whole.  This again means sometimes we need to speak the truth in love.  If something is broken we need to pray about it and then vocalize the concern in a way that is productive to the people who can do something about it.  We've all been there - think about being in line at a fast food restaurant or the bank. There's the person who stands in line griping to everyone else, rolling his eyes, and loudly vocalizing how long the line is and how slow the associates are and how this is the worst place ever.  Then there's the person who, in the same circumstances, who gets the attention of the manager, calmly expressing appreciation for what they and their team do, but pointing out that the wait has been incredibly long, offering your assistance if there is anything you can do to help the team have a brighter day (and move things along more quickly).  One brightens the room.  One brings everyone around them down.  Which one are you going to be?

I'm not great at this and if you've read my blog over time you may be thinking "Hypocrite!".  I am.  But more than that I'm someone who's trying to be better, trying to place my focus where it needs to be, trying to build up rather than tear down, and trying to be someone who makes a difference in this world in part through foster care.  And when I'm honest, focusing there rathre than on all my woes and ways I'm inconvenienced, I know without a shadow of a doubt that the blessings have FAR outweighed the cost we've paid in our journey through foster care.

Foster Parent Friday - Controlling Your Tongue

Wise foster parents often consider the impact of their actions knowing someone could be watching because in reality, someone always is and the consequences as a foster parent can be far more damaging than as a traditional parent.  This isn't about paranoia, it's about realizing that there is a legal system and a social work system and fierce emotions all wrapped up into one big package called foster care and in no way is any one of those parties interested in staying calm to investigate a situation.  And, who really wants an investigation anyway - just one more hassle that should be avoided at all costs most of the time.  Clearly this means we need to avoid prohibited things like the plague (no spanking, lock up your meds and chemicals, don't use drugs - you know, all the stuff bio-families don't have to do...) but it also means we have to watch what we say, even when it is innocent in nature and may be culturally accepted in your family or even in society.  It doesn't mean you have to become mute, but should pose a challenge if you're doing it correctly.  I have a few types of conversations/phrases in mind that you should pay attention to and will present over a series of posts.  Today we're going to talk about Negative Talk about Family Memebers.

The Situation:  It is so easy to become self-righteous or even just angry at bio-family because of their often stupid choices and end up saying something too close to little ears or even saying something to the little ears directly.  It's understandable - as foster parents we see the impact of their choices.  We see how the kids are hurt (and damaged) by missed visits, drug use, crazy parenting, and all the other stuff that leads kids to be in our homes in the first place.  We love the kids and are hurt when they're hurt (hello compassion fatigue!).  So many of us feel the need to talk about it with our spouses, other foster parents, friends, family, the grocery store clerk...OR...we love the kids day in day out.  We're they're for them.  We keep them safe and are constantly working on helping them heal and too our shock and dismay the little boogers will insist on talking about their birth families as saints - how much they love them, the dollar they got at their last visit, their parent's new home that may or may not exist - we want to tell the kids how lousy their parents really are. 

Why it's a problem: If we're really in it for the best interest of the kids then this type of behavior serves no real purpose.  It's not helpful for us to tell our kids how really bad their parents are in most circumstances.  Pointing out to them how stupid their parent is for buying the new bathing suit 2 sizes too small despite having provided them the correct size only helps you vent, it doesn't help the kiddo feel any better about their situation nor does it help your bonding with the child (if that's your intent).  Most children feel a connection to their first families and relate part of their identity to their family of origin (whether or not they have a relationship or the quality of that relationship).  When we put their family down directly or indirectly we often inadvertantly chip away at their self-esteem in ways none of us fully understand at the time.  Put it this way - if my parent was too stupid to buy a bathing suit in my size then maybe I'm stupid like they are OR maybe I'm not worth them spending the time to get the right size.  I don't want my kids thinking like that.  This type of behavior can be damaging even when talking where little ears can't hear.  Friends/family/strangers may inadvertantly wonder if your child has inherited certain traits (maybe not stupidity but what about impulsiveness like the parents?) and begin responding to the child accordingly so that a self-fulfilling prophecy effect occurs.  OR, friends/family/strangers say something directly to the children.  OR, because of your negativity those friends/family/strangers who would have considered fostering themselves decided they're not up for the crazy when in reality that particular crazy is only a tiny part of the job.  OR, friends/family/strangers decide they don't want to hang out with you because your talk is so negative and you lose that vital support.  None of these options are particularly helpful for the children in your care or ultimately you as the caregiver.  Finally, it's not helpful for the bio-families.  Yes, I care about them too and so should you.  Reunification with a healthy family is always the best option for the kids we love and we're only making it harder by gossiping about their imperfections.  We would say we need to be encouraging to our friends who struggle with an imperfection - why not the families?  Even when the reunification isn't the best option because the family cannot or will not be healthy for the children, when you adopt you want to be able to tell the child you did everything you could to help get them back with their first family.  Can you honestly say that knowing you spent XX amount of time putting them down?

The solution: Speak the truth in love and take the opportunity to build your kids up.  You don't need to lie and sugar coat the situation but there are ways to say things that are helpful. 

1. Explain the situation in age-appropriate terms: Let's say a parent misses a visit because they were high - You could tell the child "I'm sorry you didn't get to visit with mommy/daddy today.  Mommy/Daddy was too sick today to keep you safe and healthy".  Then, depending on age/maturity you could modify the underlined piece with one of the following: "...unable to make good choices today", "...still taking drugs/drinking too much alcohol today," or something similar based on the child's ability to understand the details of the situation. 
2. Show empathy: "It is so (sad, mad, confusing, hurtful, etc.)" when mommy and daddy miss a visit.  Whenever possible, use feelings your kids have identified though you may need to help them figure out their big feeligns.  It's ok to explain how it makes you feel too - I often tell my kids "It makes me sad and cry too".  Don't just assume you know how the child feels though or focus entirely on your emotions.  It's even ok to say "I know you were looking forward to visiting them" or "I hope you get to see them next week" as long as it is true, authentic, and child-centered.
3. Encourage: "You deserve a mommy and daddy that will always keep you safe" or "You're so very important and we need to make sure you stay safe" are good options.  In the encouragement try to focus on those pieces of self-identity that is damaged by the event like their self-esteem or image.  If the parent sees them and comments negatively on their outfit, for example (and yes that does happen), you can say "You are so beautiful and it hurts when someone says something like that" or something similar.
4. Act: Give the child something they can do about it - empower them in the right direction to help avoid turning their energy into something negative.  In our family this often involves praying for their family but it could involve a variety of things as the situation warrants - write a journal entry, draw a beautiful picture of yourself/write an essay about all the beautiful things about you/play the "i'm beautiful because" game, volunteer to help those in similar situations as the parents - serve soup to the homeless, collect bars of soap for the local treatment center, etc.  I'm coming up with random things here but in essence you want to find something age appropriate and situation appropriate to help them feel empowered over the situation.  If you're planning on doing something more formal for volunteering or an activity that involves more intense emotions I'd recommend doing it conjunction with a trained therapist or licensed counselor to ensure they are supportive and aligned but there are almost always things you can do to help a child of any age feel empowered in a simple way.

These suggestions are helpful for talking to kids (if I do say so myself) but what do you do with your own desire/need to discuss the crazy things first parents do?  Though I'd always recommend speaking the truth in love, I'd say there are probably a few things to consider about the types of people you can talk to and what you should say with each one:

1. Counselors/Therapists - Sure - foster parents need them too!  They can be a great resource when you're struggling to make sense of it all or need to vocalize the crazy in a confidential manner.  "I'm angry because my foster kids' first families use drugs repeatedly and I think they're stupid" or "It frustrates me that my kids' first family finds the money to smoke crack and pay for those stupid rims on that car but they can't find a safe place to live or bring a decent lunch for their kids during the visits" are perfectly acceptable things to share with the counselor". 
2. Spouse - I'd generally say that conversations between spouses can and should be perfectly honest as well and it's important for spouses to feel like they can share those ugly feelings they have from time-to-time with each other.  There are two main cautions.  First - make sure there is no possible way for anyone else to hear.  This might be a coffee date, a late-late night conversation when you know the kids are in bed or a break-time conversation when you're both at work but you don't want your kids (forever or foster) to hear a word of what you are saying if you're going to be negative about the first parents.  Second - you want to watch how much of your conversations with your spouse are aimed at foster care at all, especially the negatives about foster care.  You need to focus on your relationship, building it up and enjoying each other at least as much as you're tearing down other people, amen?  You also want to be encouraging to your spouse so too much time for either of you "being honest" about foster relatives might not be helping you reach that goal. 
3. Friends/Family - You may have a friend or family that is close that you share more with and then the rules of speaking to your spouse likely apply here.  For most family and friends though I'd recommend sharing information sparingly, as needed, and always with love and respect toward the first family.  If you can't do that, don't share with them until you can.  The more distant family and friends will tend to hear the negative over the positives of fostering and will have one of two reactions - they will want to avoid the drama and therefore avoid you or they will join in the drama/gossipping/emotion purging.  The first response will harm your support system and likely cause more drama (why don't they want to hang with me anymore - wahhh!).  The second will drag them down and likely drag you further into complaining and whining about the parents without helping encourage you or with benefits for the kids.  These more distant folks will also be less likely to be discreet with the information you share because they're not as close to the system as you are so it's possible they make comments at some point while the kids or others you don't want to hear are around.  Try and stay positive but honest with friends and family and keep the verbal purging to your counselor, spouse, or closest friend/family member.
4. Foster Parent Support Groups - My gut wants to say these groups are fair game but you need to be careful here too.  There is no one else who gets the situation more completely than other experienced foster parents and therefore it can be so therapeutic to share with these friends.  They understand confidentiality and a good group understands that you love foster care (enough to do it!) even when you spend some time complaining about the crazy.  They have their own crazy and sometimes it's nice to hear you're not the only one but at the end of the day you all love your kids and understand why you do what you do.  The caution here is two-fold.  First, you want this type of group to be encouraging so be careful to spend more time encouraging each other than gossiping about the crazy.  Second, there are often new foster parents, prospective foster parents, or people who may not personally know you well in these groups and you don't want to lead them astray.  

Ultimately, when speaking about foster care, especially about a particular case involving negative first families, try remembering that what you share is reflective of your heart.  We may not like all of the first families and we may hate what they do, rightfully so.  They are still people and if you believe like I do they are children of the most high God, in desperate need of the grace and salvation I've received.  It is not solely because of mie that I was spared from walking the road they're on - I should not be proud but instead should realize that I too deserve death for the ways I'm ugly on the inside too.  When we're spending too much time griping about the sins of the first parents it's easy to forget our own or lose sight of the grace we were given to spare us that walk.  If our heart is full of thanksgiving for our own grace our mouths should be overflowing with that thanksgiving rather than condemnation for those already condemned.  We're human - we'll make mistakes and we sometimes need to share what's on our mind in a safe way - but when we find ourselves spending all our verbal energy bashing first families it should give us pause to consider the state of our hearts.  Even when first parents are pure evil (and sometimes they are) it serves us better to acknowledge the evil and move on rather than stay to wallow in their filth, bringing us down with them.  That doesn't help them, it doesn't help us, it doesn't help our kids. 

Do you have any techniques or suggestions to add?

Guest Post: Intentional Parenting - Buildling Your Child's Safety Net

I came across Stacy from To Have Hope through an announcement about her new book (referenced below).  As both a foster and adoptive parent to children with traumatic backgrounds the idea of having hope was more than enough to hook mie.  We all need support on this journey.  (Speaking of - have you donated yet?).  I love what Stacy's doing and I love her message.  I asked her to share a bit with us on some of the key points that drive her mission.  After you read, I highly recommend you check out her new book, her website, and the many resources she's made available.

As we have walked our twelve year journey as adoptive parents, it has become glaringly clear that we must be Intentional Parents. We must make the choice to do “it” differently than other families, do “it” longer than other parents and sometimes do “it” under the microscope of all the bystanders in our lives. The reality is that parenting adopted/foster children has to come from a place that is rooted in meeting your child where he or she is …emotionally, psychologically, physiologically and physically, whether or not society, or even your own instincts, agree.


The question quickly becomes how? How do we deal with the everyday hurdles that get in the way of creating strong, healthy relationships such as lying, stealing, tantruming or aggression? I strongly believe that the answer is to intentionally choose to create a plan that will build your child’s safety net. A safety net is that assurance of survival an infant receives beginning in utero, the assurance that will eventually be the foundation of self-esteem, intelligence and that all important sense of belonging and worthiness. The safety net is the promise of survival. It is the respirations, heart rate and calming voice an infant is born knowing as its source of nourishment - first, nourishment for growth, but later nourishment that lends itself to creating a safe place from which your child can come-and-go to explore the world, learn that he can make a positive impact on it and then operate in relationships with a healthy sense of his own Bneeds and the needs of others. Unfortunately, our children come to us with their nets terribly damaged or totally gone; they have learned not to rely on that net—they have a difficult time trusting others, being parented and participating in intimate relationships. They need a net. Better yet, they deserve a net!

We follow a simple formula to help us intentionally build and maintain each of our children’s safety nets. The formula has to be considered a living, breathing entity because we are dealing with living, breathing children. Even though the components are numbered, it is meant to be used more in a cyclical fashion. With each developmental stage or life event, our children are being challenged and we will most likely need to revisit portions of the formula over and over again.

Component 1 – Move Your Own Stuff. In this component, we choose to look at what hurdles could possibly be put there by our own wounds, experiences and expectations. Then, it is important to sort them out and set them aside.

Component 2 – Educate Yourself. Many of us have done a lot of research and are probably more experts in our child’s diagnoses than the experts themselves, but it is important that we can apply that knowledge in everyday difficult situations.

Component 3 – Use Tools and Techniques that Build and Maintain the Net. Here’s where we get down to the actual tying of the knots of the net. It takes great consistency and perseverance, but if you are open to learning new tools and techniques, the net will begin to take shape.

Component 4 – Keep On Keepin’ On. Without Component 4, the other three are pretty much useless. Component 4 reminds us that this is a long journey and that in order to maintain the net, we must surround ourselves with support, have an action plan so we can parent in a healing manner, learn to measure progress lest we give up, nurture our closest relationships to have the strength it takes to hold the net and choose to forgive ourselves for our parenting blunders so we can begin fresh every day.

This formula has really become a way of life for us. As we intentionally hold our children’s safety nets through daily struggles and developmental stages along with the big storms of life, they have slowly come to rely on the net…they have come to rely on us. We have witnessed our older adopted children let the net hold them, protect them and even guide them…they no longer have to do it on their own...they have come to trust the net. As they trust the net to take care of them, they are beginning to trust the message the net holds…YOU are worthy of good! They are beginning to believe, at their core, that they are loved no matter what, they are good enough no matter what and that they are fully a part of our family and always will be...no matter what!

As it is for many other adoptive/foster families, it has been a difficult and tumultuous journey. We often felt alone and hopeless and it is out of our struggles that my vow to walk beside other families was born. Over the past ten years, I have been in the trenches with many families offering advice, insight and sometimes just an understanding ear. These experiences, the unceasing devotion of so many parents and the endless stories of others out there struggling to become a family became the energy I needed to put down on paper a formula that I have seen in action, a formula that helps to create an environment conducive to attachment, a place where life can be more peaceful, a place of hope for a better future. My book is Adoptive Parent Intentional Parent: A Formula for Building and Maintaining Your Child’s Safety Net. It is packed with tools and techniques that really work in everyday situations. My hope is that your family will find it to be a useful resource.

To receive more tools, techniques and every day tid-bits please join Hope Connections on Facebook. To receive a monthly newsletter or to find my book you can visit my website www.tohavehope.com or go to amazon.com.

Thanks for sharing Stacy!   So - what are you all doing to build your children's safety nets?  What challenges do you face as you parent intentionally?  How do you overcome those challenges? ...let's share to encourage each other toward hope :)

Foster Parent Friday: Give Yourself a Break

My hubby and I got ourselves really busy this week to get our home in great condition to show to our new, temporary FAD worker (our caseworker, not for the kids) who was (finally) coming to get the show on the road for #16's siblings.  Everyone in this case is concerned about finding a long-term home for these kids, members of a large sibling group, and that is difficult to do.  They have been concerned from the beginning about these things and whether our home with then 6 children 6 and under would be acceptable.  Everyone has shown concern for my husband and I and whether or not we are indeed happy, not just ok, with this move.  That is one reason this all has taken time.

As we moved through the home cleaning room by room it was painfully obvious that some things had been ignored from an organization perspective.  There were several areas that had become dumping grounds and though the house was generally clean and safe for all of us, it just wasn't as functional as it could have been because of the abundance of clutter in some of the rooms.  Things just needed to be put away.

Things like the Christmas decorations.  I'm not sure if I posted this here or not but we didn't put our Christmas decorations away until St. Patrick's Day.  (and by away I mean most, not all, in boxes).  These boxes were left scattered in the office with things I'd purchased after Christmas for next year in bags or just left on the floor.  It was a mess.  Hence - we didn't go into the office.  Not going into the office means not putting boxes in the office away.  It wasn't going to get fixed.

The 'media' room was equally in shambles.  It had 3 beds in there and had been turned into a fort by the kids, where they had stored a bunch of toys and books from the playroom.

As my hubby and I finished up our cleaning (which we DID accomplish, finally), we looked at each other and shook our heads.  Could we believe we were finally putting the boxes away into the attic?

I made us stop for a second.  Yes, I could believe it.

The day after Christmas we welcomed a new baby into our home.  This new baby came straight from the hospital and was days old.  We had no knowledge of him prior to the call around noon on the 26th. 

I had to remind my husband and myself that we need to give ourselves a break.  In reality, there are very few parents out there who suddenly have a baby they had no knowledge about dropped on their doorsteps with only a couple hours notice.  Most moms giving birth have somewhere around 40 weeks (or at least 5-6 months) to plan for the arrival of their baby.  They're able to get a nursery ready and purchase the things they need and wash the clothes and all that jazz.  They're able to research childcare if mom is working, which wouldn't start until 6-8 weeks or so after the baby was born because mom would get to take time off, often paid by disability or savings that had been saved during pregnancy.  Grandparents or other relatives are able to plan to arrive to help the family with the new baby since they too had some knowledge.  Friends and family setup meals for those first few weeks and sometimes lend other support like cleaning the house or what not to help the mom adjust to the new baby.

None of that happened for us.  We got a new precious baby on Thursday.  I had already planned to take the next 5 days or so off for the holidays before going back to work.  Thankfully I was able to extend to 8 days or so pretty easily, but I went back to work with a 10-day old baby (whom, remember, I hadn't planned for...).  He was too young to take to childcare so we'd hurried to find a private nanny at $100 per day.  Do the math - that was just one of our children and not reimbursed by foster care childcare payments - we were on our own.  Speaking of childcare, I had to use those 8 days to hurry to find a childcare location who'd have a spot open for him when he was old enough (who also took state funding) - I hadn't had the time to put ourselves on a waiting list months in advance.  To help curb the cost of the nanny my hubby agreed to take full responsibility of the baby a couple days per week.  Those days were usually his days off when he would have taken care of things like taking down and putting away decorations or fixing the fence that blew over during a windstorm (yes. that happened during this time too).  We had no provided meals.  No help from grandparents (this is not a slam - just the truth - they had just visited a couple weeks before and it's unreasonable for us to think they could drop everything and pay outrageous last-minute airfare during the major holiday traffic time!).  It was just us, our little family with support from my sister who lives local (but also is a foster parent with her own brood).

But it didn't stop there.  Did I mention the ground was unusually covered with snow when the baby arrived?  Two days later we accepted 2 more kiddos who only spoke a language other than English.  These two attended a school different than the one the baby would attend weeks later.  A few days later we learned about the siblings.  5 weeks later I had to travel for a week for work and my hubby maintained the fort at home with 5 kids by himself.  3 weeks later our older two left.  2 weeks later another older two joined as a potential adoptive placement.  4 weeks later they left. 

In other words, since Christmas not only have we welcomed a surprise newborn but also 4 other children who have since come and gone.  (not to mention the emotional roller coaster of waiting for #16's siblings for the past 4 months).

Yes - I can believe we let the media room, which has a closed door and is separated from the main living area of the house, be built into a messy fort for 3 months or so.  Yes - I believe we didn't put away the Christmas decoration boxes into the attic until May.  We've also done some really important things for real-live human beings who needed a safe-stable (and fun!) family.  I know this was right.  On the other side I don't think we're going to hear "shame on you for leaving your Christmas decorations out a few extra months".  Nope. 

Lest you see this as a complaint let me acknowledge that we did, indeed, sign-up for this.  This isn't a rant about not having support from friends and family when we welcome OUR kids into our home.  There is NO bitterness there at all.  WE could have said no.  We didn't have to accept any or all of the placements we accepted in the recent past.  The point is not say "Woe is mie - feel sorry for us".  I would tell you we are FAR more blessed because we walk this road than the amount of work we have on our plate.

Instead - my point is to encourage you.  Stack of dishes in the sink?  It's ok.  That too-full closet you don't want to open?  You can get to it later.  Are your Christmas decorations still out?  (come on - don't leave me hangin here...).  It's not the end of the world.  Did you miss the church volunteer day because your kid was in the hospital for a week? 

Give yourself a break.  Really.  Keep on truckin and take care of it when you can but never forget that the road you are walking has impact far beyond whether your rose bushes were pruned well this past winter. 

Go on - pause. breathe. carry-on.

Foster Parent Friday - Are the Kids Dangerous to Your Kids?

Q: Are the kids who come into your home dangerous to Logan (and Summer)?  Don't you worry about that?

A: I will honestly say that yes, as a foster parent you must absolutely consider the impact each foster placement might have on your forever kiddos.  That is not in question.  You can control some of that if you want to by limiting the children that you take to avoid certain known triggers or things you know you couldn't handle.  We have very few of these limitations but we have always said no to a male with known history of sexual abuse (not that we've actually had the chance to say no to that).  We have also one time actually said no to a child who was described to us in a way that we didn't believe we'd be able to handle.  In truth I didn't believe we'd be the best family for that little guy but honestly I was concerned about my kiddos as well.  Poor thing - I hope he's found a good home by now.

With all that said, I didn't want to focus on the serious danger today but rather point out the REAL impact foster children have had on my forever children through a series of brief glimpses into scenes from our life over the past 3 years.  (Why yes, now that I think of it, it was 3 years ago Tuesday we received the call that our license had been approved and 3 years ago next Wednesday when we received our first call).


Scene 1: Driving by Whataburger - A Texas hamburger chain that is very recognizable

#20 - Mom, What's that?
Mie - Whataburger
#19 - Mom, don't throw a hamburger at me ok?
Mie - Ok.  I won't throw a hamburger at you. ...  Wait. Did someone throw a hamburger at you?
#19 - Yes, (So and So past relative placement)
Mie - Oh I see.  Well we don't throw hamburgers at children.  No one should ever throw hamburgers at you ok?  Why did (person) throw a hamburger at you?
#19 -  Because I'm bad.
#20 - He's bad.
Mie - No, you're not bad. I think you're a good boy.  I think you both are good boys.  I won't throw a hamburger at you.

Our forever kiddos have learned that in other homes, some other children face different kinds of discipline and not all mom's have it as together as I do (see my posts from the last two days...).

Scene 2: Driving in the big city - #20 points out EVERY police car

#20 - There's one.
Mie - Yep, there's another one, but don't worry mommy's not afraid of the police.  I obey the rules so the police aren't coming to get mie.  Do you know someone who's scared of the police?
#20 - (Immediately, without hesitation) My dad punches my mom.

Then I talked to him about THAT.  

Our forever kiddos have learned that some daddies are mean to the mommies and kids in the house by hurting them.  The calm-down corner seems relatively harmless.

Scene 3: Walking through the clothing store

Mie - This weekend I'm going through your things to see what else you might need and if you need something I'll buy it for you ok.
#19 - We need pajamas.
Mie - Ok, I'll look through your things and figure out what you need and if you need pajamas I'll make sure I buy them for you ok?
#19 - Ok.  (Relative) says we have to wear pajamas 2 times.
Mie - Oh, so at her house you had to wear your pajamas 2 times before you washed them?  
#19 & #20 - Yep.  She said we didn't have enough so we had to wear 2 times.

At this point I have to stop and tell you how unbelievable it is that they didn't have enough - there are at least 20 pajamas between the two of them, though admittedly only a handful of "sets".  I also have to point out that wearing PJs more than once, though not our standard, is not a big deal.  I did it as a kid and do it as an adult.

Mie - I see.  Well in our house you only have to wear your pajamas once and then I'll wash them for you.  If you need more pajamas I'll buy them for you.
#19 - Ok we need more pajamas.

Our forever kiddos have learned that other families might do things differently and that's ok.  They've learned it is NOT ok for kids to be in need and they've learned how to provide for kids in need.  They've also learned that different still must be safe - children cannot live where it isn't safe.

Yes, our kids are introduced to things as foster siblings that they wouldn't have otherwise been exposed to.  On the other hand they've also been forced on a regular basis to see that other children and adults don't always have what we have and yet because we have what we have we are able to share with those in need, not just by talking about things but also by doing something about it.  Sure there are things that they are topically exposed to (drug abuse, child abuse, neglect) that in an ideal world we'd like to shelter our children from but the reality of this world is that those things exist and it is much better for our children to experience them (from a distance) in a safe, healing family where they also see action taken to fix the problem rather than burying their head in the sand like so many of us American Christians would like to do.

Bottom line - our kids are exposed to "different" concepts as foster children. We work really hard to protect them from the truly dangerous things, as any parents would, while teaching the to engage with the world around them in a positive way.  In the end we believe we'll all be better off, by the Grace of God, than if we played ostrich through this life.

Foster Parent Friday - What Do Your Foster Kids Call You?

Q: How do you decide what the kids will call you and what they will call your other kids. And how do you even bring that topic up with your bio kids and the new kids?

A: This is another question from a friend of mine who is getting ready for their license and first call.

This is something we’ve learned not to stress about.  It’s very easy for us to manage and not something to overthink.  We started out by calling each other by the names our nephews and nieces call us.  I’m Auntie Mie.  Within 24 hours the kids were calling us mom and dad and we ran with it. 

Nowadays when the kids arrive I invite them into our home and introduce myself by saying “Hi!  I’m Marie.  You can call mie Marie or Auntie Mie.  The other kids who live here call mie Mommy.  You can call me that too if you want – it’s up to you!”.  These are all names I get called on a regular basis and are names they will hear others call me, that way they have options for what is comfortable for them and won’t feel left out or weird for calling mie by a different name than everyone else.   For the first few days, they usually call me by my first name or just avoid calling me by name altogether.

As for how to handle with my forever kids, I don’t.  They call mie mommy.  When they talk to foster children they’ll either say “my mommy” or just “mommy” and everyone knows who they are talking about.  Eventually, almost every child has ended up calling us mom and dad within a week or two.  We don’t ask them to and we don’t force it on them – it just happens naturally as they feel more comfortable in our family.

I have a child now who yells to mie by saying “Eh!” (especially while he’s using the bathroom and needs wiped, which makes it even more pleasant).  I remind him that my name is not “Eh!”, that my name is mommy, Marie, or Auntie Mie and that is what I’ll respond to.  I think it’s important that kids learn to respect other people and call them by a name not just yell at them like they are an object.  If they call mie by someone else’s name, I’ll correct them.  Other than that we just go with the flow and not make a big deal about it. (It works the same way with my hubby’s names).

Things do change a bit when I’m talking about their family or around their family.  I try to respect their parents when I’m around them by ensuring they call them mommy and, if necessary I’ll call refer to my (house) or your mommy’s (house).  Another way I’ll handle it is by saying “Mommy Marie” or “Mommy First Name” when there’s confusion.  Hearing their child call me mommy usually doesn’t sit well with birth parents, as would be expected.  I try to b gentle and remind them about everything I’ve told you hear and that it’s natural for them to pick it up at my house since I have other children.  I remind them it’s just a name but the kids KNOW who their mom is and no one, not even mie, can replace them.  It’s always worked out.

Recap: Preparing for, Accepting & Receiving, and Saying Goodbye to Foster Children

I have received several great questions recently about preparing for, accepting, and saying goodbye to placements.  I've started answering some and kept thinking it seems like I've written this before.  Alas, here are several posts to answer some of your commonly asked questions.  If you have more questions after reading some of these posts, just post them in a comment here or in the original post - I'll get your questions either way and will be happy to answer them as soon as possible.

Preparing for Placements
Preparing for Kiddos

Preparing Siblings


Preparing Siblings (Guest Post)


Accepting & Receiving New Placements
Deciding on a Placement

Questions to ask CPS when you get "a call"

More about Getting a Placement



Saying Goodbye
Goodbye Traditions

I sincerely hope this is helpful.  It's very helpful for me to know I'm helping others interested in foster care or adoption as I write this blog.

Foster Parent Friday: How do you help younger children prepare for foster siblings?

Q: How do you help your young child understand the transition for kids coming in and out? Your youngest is about the same age as my oldest so I'm trying to figure out how we're going to explain all of this to her.

A: This is a GREAT question, one I wish I’d had some advice on before we had our first kiddos.  It is written by a friend of mine with 2 young kiddos in a family that is just getting ready to start accepting placements.  Our situation is a bit different in that when we first started the process, Logan was an only child.  We were able to talk about “brothers and sisters” in terms of foster children without getting confused with biological siblings.  He didn’t have any bio siblings – he knew others who had siblings but in his world having them dropped off by CPS was just as reasonable as other more ‘normal’ methods of getting siblings.  For our daughter, she has been with us since she was 9 months old and has always had brothers and sisters who have left.  She’s just now getting to be old enough to realize that kids are coming and going.

In my experience, the age where you can start preparing kiddos is between 2 ½ - 3 ½.  Much younger than that and they probably can’t be “prepped” because they don’t have a good grasp on what is coming nor can they process the “why” much.  Of course, every child is different and I’d recommend trying to prep vs. not trying any day.

When we were going through the process, we talked a lot about brothers and sisters with Logan.  We told him about how his brothers and sisters would be coming.  We prayed for them.  We talked about how they had different mommies and daddies but they couldn’t keep them safe so they were coming to live with us.  We sang silly songs about them (Think “Jesus loves my brothers and sisters, this I know...”).  As I mentioned, Logan knew that other people had brothers and sisters but he didn’t – he often talked about his “brother Charlie” and “brother Benjamin” – we have no idea who those kids were to this day but he knew how friends and his cousins all had siblings.  We prepared a room.  As we shopped for things we talked about what we thought his brothers or sisters would want to (eat, wear, play with), etc.  We talked about whether he’d share a room or not and what toys he’d share and which he wouldn’t.  We just incorporated it into everything we talked about because we knew at one point we’d get a call and within a short time he’d suddenly have siblings. 

That call came (and so did the kids) while Logan was sleeping.  This was probably worst case scenario (and yet likely...) for us in that the kiddos were going to share a room with him and we didn’t want him to wake up and suddenly there was a crib and a baby in his room that weren’t there before.  So, we moved Logan into our bed that night so that he would see us first when he woke up instead of the other kids.  When he woke up we talked to him about how “our brothers and sisters” came while he was sleeping and then began the introduction process.

From then on all we talked about was how the kids were staying with us while the parents were trying to get better.  They might go or they might stay but Logan would ALWAYS stay.  Concepts like “forever” don’t really mean anything to kids that young so we tried to emphasize that he would always be with us.  We talked about how he came from our tummy so that meant he would never leave.  Later as Summer was adopted we were able to explain how she would now always stay too....we called her the sister that would stay.

Now that Summer is old enough we’re trying to pay more attention to how we transition kiddos out and how she’s processing when they leave.  We follow our goodbye routines for the whole family, but for her in particular we also have had to make a few accommodations.  Specifically, we’ve immediately moved the child’s bed out of her room to help her process that they aren’t coming back. 

Here are a few other tips:

Coming

• ·         Ask for your child’s opinion before the child arrives – As soon as we get a call and are sure a child will be placed with us we ask our children how they feel about adding a new child or sibling group.  We tell them “we just got a call” and share how many, age, gender, and that they can’t stay with their family, would it be ok if they came to stay here with us?  This is clearly a dangerous question.  What if your child says no?  You can either ask in a better way (what do you think about them coming to stay with us?  Would you like it if they came to live here?...something opinion oriented) OR, you can just roll with it like we do.  Usually Logan (and Summer) say yes.  Logan has said no before and at that point I take the chance to talk through it with him – kids need a home, what are his concerns, etc.  At the end of the day if he still says “no”, we’d tell him that as mommy and daddy we appreciate his feelings and are thankful he shared – as mommy and daddy we are making the decision to give the children a home because that’s what Jesus would want us to do (quote scripture) and go out of our way to help ease his/her concerns.  That hasn’t had to happen yet. 
• ·         Talk about it as much as possible.  Talk about your children’s dreams and wishes about how it will be (what do you want your new brother/sister to be like?  What would you like to do with them? Etc.).  This will give you good insight into what they are thinking is going to happen and you can help clarify things that WILL NOT happen before the kids arrive.
• ·         Remind your children they will always stay.
• ·         Remind your children the foster kiddos might stay or might go and that you will take care of them as long as God (or the judge) wants you to.
• ·         Decide how you will explain the reason for removal/care.  We tell our forever kids that the parents couldn’t keep the kids safe. We tell foster children that they’re parents are sicky and are working on getting better.  This has worked for us so far.
• ·         Emphasize your core family’s routines.  Understand which routines are going to stay the same and which are likely to change so you can help prep your kiddos for that change ahead of time.

Going

• ·         Tell everyone involved in your case that you need as much notice as possible before the kids leave so you can prepare your own children.  This is essential. Start with the investigator who drops the child off at your home.  Tell the lawyers.  Tell CASA.  Tell everyone you meet with about the case.  Repeat it often.
• ·         Take every opportunity to remind your children that the foster children might not stay or might leave someday when their parents are better.  This sounds like “Oooh...a Dora birthday would be so much fun!  If XX is still here on her birthday we’ll see if we can do that” or “I bet XX would love to go to Sea World with us.  If he/she is still here next time we go we’ll ask if she can come along” or “you want to be a puppy for Halloween?  That’s a neat costume – if you’re here on Halloween we can try and find that costume for you”.  Don’t promise anything to your kids or the foster kids about what WILL happen with the fosters.
• ·         Pray for the foster kids parents.  Talk about them as a family in a healthy way (don’t ignore they exist).  We put up their picture, when possible, on our bulletin board as a reminder for all of us. 
• ·         As you get updates on the case, share with your kids whenever it’s appropriate.  If they’re working on reunification and doing well, tell your kids that so and so’s mom is working really hard on getting better and she hopes one day so and so can go back home with her...stuff like that.
• ·         As soon as you get a date that the child is going home, pull your child aside and tell them so.  “Remember we’ve said that XX’s mom is trying to get better?  Well!  She’s all better now and XX can go back home to live with her!”  Try to make this sound happy.  Then ask (several times in different conversations) how your child is feeling.
• ·         Setup and follow a going away routine.  It’s therapeutic.
• ·         Plan to spend quality time as a family after a foster child leaves.  We often go out to lunch or dinner and celebrate our “core family”.

Finally, realize that no matter how much you plan you can’t protect your child from the feelings they have about children coming and going.  Don’t try to.  Let them have their feelings. Talk about it.  Remind them you are there for them and they will always stay.  Give them lots of hugs.  Remind them they are special to you and you want them.  Pray. 

Then get up and do it again J

Foster Parent Friday: Helping Your Foster/Adopt Child Feel They Belong (Guest Post)

When we were going through our licensing classes we were able to watch from the sidelines as an adoptive family faced a very scary situation at least in part due to un-addressed issues related to the adopted child's history.  Our class was co-taught by a foster parent and a social worker.  All along the foster parent had been using the example of her nephew, someone who had been adopted from foster care as a child.  One day when we came in the story took a very solemn turn - in a very public way (all over local news), this teenage boy had tried to blow-up his parents home.  Everyone survived but it was a real eye-opener for all of us who were in that class because we had been hearing about this child, we had seen the news story about the situation, and then watched someone we'd come to know have to personally go through the emotions associated with having this happen in their family.  At the end of the day, among other things of course, the boy's behavior was attributed to his feeling that he didn't belong.  He was from a different race than the parents and despite having been adopted many, many years earlier, the boy felt different from everyone else and the parents didn't get him help.  (We were told) they felt like they had a good family and everything should have been ok - that he DID belong even if he didn't feel like it so nothing else (counseling, etc.) was done.

Today I bring you a guest post from Agnes Jimenez on how to help adopted teens feel they belong.  I'd suggest these are good things to consider for children of all ages who are in or who have ever been in care.

How to Instill a Sense of Belonging in Your Adopted Teen

As the parent of an adopted teen, you must understand that your child is going to have certain issues that other children will not face. This is just part of being adopted, and there is nothing that you can do to change the way that such an event occurred. However, you can work very hard to show your adopted teen that you love them, that they belong in your family, and that they can trust you. When you do this, you can change the way that the adoption impacts your child.

•  Express Love and Affection
  One of the biggest things that you can do to help your teen now is to show that teen that you love them at every chance that you get. Some parents make the mistake of thinking that their child already knows about their love. Even if this is true, reinforcing those feelings can make a large difference. Go out of your way to tell your teen how you feel, even if that is not a strong part of your personality. 
• Be Involved
  You can really show your teen that you care if you are involved in his or her life. Go to all of your daughter's piano recitals. Never miss one of your son's football games. This is good advice for all parents, but it must be a priority for the parents of adopted children. If you are involved, it shows that you care, which can speak more loudly than any words. 
• Portray Adoption as a Positive Thing
  Some adopted teens think that they were rejected by their birth parents. This can make them feel abandoned and insecure. Talk to them about how you think of adoption as a wonderful thing that brought the child into your life. When they see how differently you view it, they will know how much they mean. (Mie's Note: While I agree with this point, I would also suggest based on the story I shared that we must also acknowledge the pain associated with the loss of the child's first family, helping through the grief process and not just covering it up with stories of how perfect adoption might seem).
• Hold Family Events
  Finally, you need to put special emphasis on family events. Go camping together. Have game nights. Take vacations to other countries. The more that you can do to help your family bond as a whole, the more the adopted child will feel like a part of it. 

If you do these four things, you can really show your adopted child that you care. You can show that child that he or she is a valued and intrinsic part of the family. It is always important to work to demonstrate to your teen that they belong, that they are wanted, and, most of all, that they are loved. 

References:

http://www.focusas.com/Adopted.html

http://www.griefspeaks.com/id93.html

About the Guest Author

Agnes Jimenez is a professional blogger and writer. She writes for many online establishments and currently partners with HelpYourTeenNow.com in spreading awareness about troubled and depressed teenagers (and how to deal with them).  Help Your Teen Now aims to increase awareness on the current psychological and societal stresses of today's teens and how these factors affect the future of our society.

Foster Parent Friday - The "empty" home

Our home is now empty.  Of course it's not really empty - we always have our forever kids (God willing!).  (I need to stop and point that out from time to time for myself if not anyone else.)  As foster parents our lives can become centered on when kids come and go and not having foster children can make it feel empty or incomplete but the reality is that our forever kids are wonderful and not at all forgotten.  At all.  Ever.

(I say this while 3,000 miles away from my kiddos right now and I miss them terribly).

All this said - we no longer have any of our foster kiddos.  All of the 3 we brought into our home in August are now gone.  #13 (who I never added to my list of kiddos?  crazy...) left after 3 or 4 weeks.  #12 left in October.  #11 just left last weekend.  This last departure made us very sad.  Though our kiddo went to a good home that loved him very much, we loved him very much too and will miss him.  This family has offered to help us get our kiddos together so they can see each other again and our kiddos are looking forward to it.  I've heard this promise before so we'll have to see how it goes.

So then now our home is "empty".  We are not yet on the list for 2 reasons.  First, we appreciate a break from time to time.  It's nice to spend time as a core family and nurture the relationships with our forever children and between my husband and I.  For us this break needs to be about 2-4 weeks.  Second, this time, we are waiting until we get back in town - my husband and I are on a tropical vacation celebrating our anniversary and we can't take kiddos until we come back.  We'll decide exactly when to get back on the list after we get back home.

Soon we will be waiting for another call, wondering what will happen, who will come to our family, and what that story will look like in the long run for our family.  It's an exciting time.  I'm looking forward to it.

Today though, I'm happy in our wait.  I'm not quite ready to get back into the crazy.  I'm enjoying the time with my hubby and when we get back I assure you I'll be happy to spend time with Logan and Summer.  I can't wait. 

100 Best Adoption-Friendly Workplaces: 2012

Are you looking into adoption benefits?  Looking for an employer with superior benefits?  Check out the brand new list of the 2012 100 Best Adoption-Friendly Workplaces published by the Dave Thomas Foundation For Adoption.  This is a great tool for really digging into some of the employers out there that really go above and beyond to make adoption more possible for their employees.

In honor of this new publication, the President and CEO of the Dave Thomas Foundation For Adoption, Rita Soronen, kindly offered to answer a few questions about adoption and foster-to-adopt benefits for mie.

Mie: What can average employees do to impact the adoption benefits their employer offers?
Rita Soronen: This is a great question. Simply asking for the inclusion of adoption benefits is the first step. Many employers do not know that they can offer this to their employees. And then make the case for these benefits – they are cost-effective, build employee loyalty, and enhance a company’s image of being family-friendly. Offering benefits to families who are formed through adoption or through birth is the right thing to do. We make it easy by providing the templates, toolkits and information for employees and employers.

Mie: As an adoptive or prospective adoptive parent, where could I go to get more information about benefits available to my family?
Rita Soronen: There are many excellent resources for families to get information about adoption benefits. The variety of resources continues to grow and includes workplace benefits, adoption tax credits, adoption subsidies (for children adopted from foster care), education assistance for adopted youth, adoption assistance from private organizations, and benefits for military families who want to adopt. The following is a selected list of contacts, but the Foundation can help with additional resources:

• Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption (workplace benefits) www.davethomasfoundationforadoption.org
• North American Council on Adoptable Children (subsidies) www.nacac.org
• Internal Revenue Service (adoption tax credit) www.irs.gov/taxtopics/tc607.html
• Military adoption assistancehttp://myarmybenefits.us.army.mil/Home/Benefit_Library/Federal_Benefits_Page/Adoption_Assistance.html
• Education assistance for adopted youth (scholarships, vouchers and waivers)www.childwelfare.gov/adoption/adopt_people/assistance.cfm
• Individual adoption assistance (helping with the costs of adoption) www.childwelfare.gov/adoption/adoptive/funding.cfm

Mie: There are several common benefits (medicaid, fee reimbursement, etc.) - what are some of the lesser known benefits?
Rita Soronen: Some of the benefits listed above – the adoption tax credit, education assistance and individual assistance are not as well known. Of course, every adoption is different and the family needs vary, so the best any parent can do is learn as much as possible. We can help connect individuals to the national resources available.

Mie: In your experience, what are the biggest obstacles people claim prevent them from adopting (from foster care)?
Rita Soronen: There are some key misperceptions that may cause individuals to either stop or not engage in the foster care adoption process. First, we know that there is a perception that it is simply too expensive to adopt. Although other forms of adoption (domestic infant or inter-country adoption) can cost tens of thousands of dollars, to adopt from foster care costs little to nothing. Second, there is a misconception that once a child is adopted, a birth family may file further legal action to regain custody oftheir child. In the child welfare system, once a child has been permanently freed for adoption, all legal paths are closed to the birth parents; the adoption is final and the child is a member of the adoptive family. And finally, there are so many misperceptions that surround the children waiting to be adopted – that they are too old for new families, that they are “unadoptable” or not able to fit into families. Nothing could be further from the truth. These children have grief and loss issues, and many may have trust or attachment challenges, but every child waiting to be adopted deserves a safe, nurturing and permanent home and the opportunity to grow and thrive in the 
birthright of every child – a family.   


As we began the adoption process we had great friends who were able to help explain some of the basic adoption benefits available when adopting through foster care.  I've found that unless you have some close friends or even more so unless you actually go through the process it is hard to really get a good understanding of the benefits available to you as an adoptive or foster-to-adopt parent.

Workplace benefits has become an extremely important topic to mie since prospective adoption became very real with our 4th placement (Summer) and the drama surrounding her brother's subsequent adoption.  We went from adopting a fully-supported sibling group to adopting a single, unsupported child, then back-and-forth between two unsupported children and a myriad of combinations in-between.  Though we entered the adoption process thinking our expenses would be largely covered, we were suddenly in the position of figuring out how to pay for one or possibly two adoptions that we weren't planning to pay for.  In the end, I found my company offered some minimal but appreciated adoption benefits and my husband's didn't appear to offer any, at all.  I also began researching possible benefits out there and found that many companies to a GREAT job! As an adoptive mom and leader in the HR-ish field, the meaning of adoption-friendly intrigues mie.

I applaud these employers and the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption for their work in supporting adoption-friendly workplaces.  Personally, anything I can do to support all of these organizations is worth it to mie as together we support finding every child a permanent, loving home and family.

On behalf of Letting Go of Mie, I want to sincerely thank Rita Soronen and her team at the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption for not only doing all the work to put this together but for giving mie the opportunity to share their message here on my blog.

Rita Soronen
President & CEO
The Dave Thomas Foundation
for Adoption

The Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption is a national nonprofit public charity dedicated to dramatically increasing the adoptions of the more than 134,000 children waiting in North America’s foster care systems. Created by Wendy’s® founder Dave Thomas who was adopted, the Foundation implements evidence-based, results-driven national signature programs, foster care adoption awareness initiatives and research-based advocacy efforts. To learn more, visit davethomasfoundation.org, or call 1-800-ASK-DTFA.