Working Mama Wednesday - Pondering Advice

About a week ago I sat at the Cooper Clinic in Dallas doing my annual physical.  If you ever have a chance to do a comprehensive physical, especially at the Cooper Clinic - take it.  I receive 1 per year as a benefit at work and I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.  I get to see the dermatologist, get a full lab work-up, a treadmill stress test for my heart, a visit with the nutritionist, a full vision & hearing test, and finally a comprehensive examination by a great doctor.  When I say comprehensive I mean really - this guy spends about 2 hours with me during my visit.  I'd also get a few other benefits if I were older...bone density scans and mammograms and such.  It's such a treat.  It's such a different experience than the typical quick-in, quick-out doctor visit you have in the normal course of your visit.  You feel as if your doctor really is interested in what you have to say and what is going on in your life.

This is the 2nd year I was able to take advantage of this benefit and I was impressed at how well the doctor was able to make it seem as if he remembered me and my history.  He knew my kids and husband by name (of course, from notes in my file I'm sure) and was quick to point out that things had changed since last year. 

He did so by saying "Where did all these kids come from?"

Apparently last year we didn't talk about our status as a foster family.  I was in between placements when I saw him last year and I guess it never came up (seriously...how it didn't is beyond me).  We made small talk about fostering for a little bit and then he got down to it...the lecture.

I heard about someone in his life that had a really large family (more than a dozen kids), more than half of whom were adopted (vs. biological), a set of biological children that were bitter and rebeling against the whole foster-to-adopt experience because of lack of resources and parental time and feeling left out and etc., etc., etc.  There was institutionalization due to some of the horrific things that happen in foster care/adoption (and "regular" families too, by the way).  There was drug abuse/addiction.  I even heard about the tatoos.  I heard about how there wasn't enough money to send their children to college and about what a saint the dad was and about how the parents now wish (maybe) they hadn't adopted but instead fostered without adopting.

His point was that I really needed to pay attention to my "own" (what I'd rather call "core" family), especially as someone with a busy career and a husband who needs me, making sure I don't bite off more than I can chew.  When I came back after the fact he made sure to tell me if I'm going to live this life I need to make sure I take better care of myself (eating/excersizing habits) so I can endure.

I sat there listening to him not sure how to react.  Everything in mie wanted to rebut everything he was saying:

• I don't have (more than a dozen) kids.  I have 6.
• The state I live in (vs. the person he was talking about) only allows us to have 6 kids in my home without additional licensing processes that we have no desire to go through at this time.  6 is our max.
• God will provide. Part of that provision is college to those adopted from foster care.  With that said 5 of my 6 kids will have college paid for - we'd have to come up with funding for 1 child.  ONE - and that's assuming college is mandatory or something.  Now, I fully support education and don't want my Ph.D. revoked but that is not THE most important thing in the world - nor is being able to setup a trust fund so my kids can go to school without working some.  Those might be goals but it isn't what drive me (and yes, I have told my kids they are going to college). 
• God will provide, and has.  Resources are not unlimited but we have plenty of space and funds.  Time and energy are not always in abundance but God provides.  Always.
• We've BTDT with "dangerous" kids.  I will do everything in my power to keep all of my kids safe but I refuse to live my life in a complete bubble so we're always happy and healthy and risk-free.  We put boundaries in place, try to remain vigilant, and pray.
• ...and last but not least:

So what do we do then?  Nothing?  We sit by with our more than enough and huddle as a core family and never let anyone in and never risk being hurt and just take care of ourselves and forget everyone else?  Save our money and go on nice vacations and wear nice clothes and eat out at nice meals where people don't look like we're as crazy as the kids are acting at our table? We do all this while there are children around us that do not have a family to keep them safe?  So what, at the end of our life we can sit on the porch in some lakehouse or beachhouse somewhere by ourselves counting our money recounting all of those times we were safe together in our easy little life?  So that we can die with a lot and meet God and tell him what?  That we buried our treasure to keep it safe?

I think we know what His answer is to that...

And yet I said none of that.  Instead I sat there pondering the wisdom I could gleam from his lecture.  He is a believer and I know does have some knowledge and wisdom to share.  If God partnered us up, surely there was something God wanted me to hear from what the good ol' doc had to say.  Here's what I came up with, much of which I already knew but it was a decent reminder:

• Keep your first things first.  He said my marriage is my primary relationship - not knowing my faith I know why he would say this and would agree if you're not counting my relationship with God, but of course I count that relationship and intellectually put it first.
• Make sure my relationships know where they stand.  Intellectually I know to put God first but do I?  My husband is my second priority but does he always know that?  Does he take priority over my children? Do I actively appreciate him enough?  How can I bless him more?
• Make sure my forever children know how special they are.  I don't mean this in that they are more important than fosters or that my bio is more important than my adopted.  One thing I like about foster care is it helps my children see they are not the center of the universe.  BUT, I do believe my kids need to know that they are enough, that they were fearfully and wonderfully made, and that they are worth fighting for too.  Because of the situations we find ourselves in as foster parents we often end up "fighting" for our foster children by advocating for them in the system with CASA and CPS workers and lawyers and the court.  Our family sees this "fight".  I can see how that can end up sucking our time and energy dry and leading to us taking our "easy" children for granted.  I want my forever kids to know that they matter to us and to God as much as the other children.  I want them to know they are loved for who they are and who they were created to be.  I never want any of them to feel unloved or forgotten.
• Prayerfully consider every step.  Make sure no matter what we do we are trying to stay aligned with the will of God for each of our lives, not just having a sappy heart. 
• Take care of myself.  This one is complicated in that I don't believe in the whole "putting myself first" thing.  I'm not first.  I'm not meant to be first.  I am here to serve.  With that in mind I do need to take care of the temple I've been given, not becoming obsessed about my health or my looks but more importantly making sure my body has the energy from the right kinds of food and the appropriate rest it needs to continue to "do the good works laid out before me".  I do need to make healthier food choices and book regular time for exercising into my schedule.  I also need to go to the doc to follow-up on my narcolepsy (found out I was allergic to my meds in 2011 and haven't gone back) and to get my eyes fixed (per my vision screening I have a rare-ish eye condition).  

We all deal with advice from others.  Have you had a situation like mine?  How did you handle it? 

Working Mama Wednesday - Not a Saint

Someone at work today told me I "just achieved sainthood in (their) mind".  I get that fairly often when people learn I have 6 kids, especially those I work with because they know how BIG my paid job is and how much work it takes to manage it.  That's enough to make me crazy (or saintly) but if I add that I'm a foster and/or adoptive parent then it sends them over the top.

Here's the thing.  I'm not a saint.

I know some people get sensitive about sharing htat their a foster parent.  While we're all sensitive about the needs of our kids, their privacy in particular, I tend to overshare with the intent to help people see that they too could be foster parents.  Those who haven't walked in our shoes may not believe it but we're just regular people who said yes to something that (usually) blesses us at least as much as we have to give in.  We're not saints...literally the only thing that makes us different is the willingness to say yes daily.  Do we have more patience?  If we do it's only because we've developed it out of necessity.  Can we go with the flow pretty well?  Again, something we've learned from necessity.

Foster parenting is something I've learned from necessity in three aspects.  First - it was a necessity to pursue adoption (specifically from foster care) if we ever hoped to have more children than our one and only biological miracle.  Second - everything that makes me a foster parent I've learned by being a foster parent.  I didn't come into this with extra skills.  Sure I love children and I believe that this is important but the reality is that on average, foster parents start out as individuals, couples, or parents whose skills match those found in the non-foster parent population.  Third - and this one is important - foster parents are needed because there are actually, real-live children who need parents temporarily (some of them, permanently).  It's not like society looks at the foster parent rosters and says "Yep, we've got foster parents out there, let's go find some kids that need to be removed from their families for no reason".  NO!  Children are removed from their families for a variety of reasons but I can almost certainly assure you the needs of the foster parents are not at all a factor.

For anyone who thinks I'm a saint, I wish I had a camera following mie today.  Check that - no, no, I'm sure I'm glad I didn't have a camera...my brain's memory is more than enough to remind me.  I was not a nice mom.  I fought with my husband all night.  I fought with all but 2 of my kids.  I was short-tempered, easily angered, and uglier than I care to be.  On one hand, I feel justified by saying that it was just a rough day, doesn't happen often, and basically was representative of the fact that I'd hit my limit for the day.  On the other hand, that's not the mom I want to be, at all, ever.

My point?  We all have bad days.  And, I'm not a saint.

Working Mama Wednesday - But I Don't Wanna...

I work a lot.
I could definitely work more.
I probably should work more.

I've found myself thinking a few times that I need to expand my career into a new branch in an effort to expand my relevance and build up for an even higher-level position.  This is an odd thing for me to think about because even though I work very hard and have had great success so far I have never considered myself uber career-oriented.  In other words, I'm not the person who says I need to be the VP of X before I'm 35 - I've never really been that person.  Instead, I've always been the person who says I want to do the absolute best with the most impact where I'm at.  Period.  But nevertheless I've found myself thinking about this new opportunity that, by-the-way would likely be volunteer and in addition to my current more-than-full-time job.

Here's the thing.  At my company, position, and level, I don't have many peers that are in the same life-stage I'm in.  I'm easily the youngest person at the same pay-grade or at least it's very close.  Everyone else is older than me, most with kids raised and gone or in the final years of high-school. OR there's the men who have young kids with SAHMs at home.  Let's face it - empty nests and parenting teenagers is a much different parenting experience than parenting preschoolers and young schoolers, especially when those young kids are young and there's SIX of them.  (I literally have to remind myself frequently that I have an infant!!! Of course I'm tired!). 

My point is, the things that my peers are doing (in their careers) tend to be those things I'd associate with empty nesting.  I hear them saying (in my mind) "Now that the kids are grown..." and "Now that the kids are older..." "...I can finally do (insert career growing thing here)".  It's a sort of peer-pressure kind of thing.  Frankly, they weren't likely in the same position when they were my age or when their kids were the ages of my kids and I can't think of a single one that has 6 kids (or 24 really). 

I found myself thinking "someday the kids will be out of the house and then I'll be able to do these things", as if I actually want my kids to grow up and move out of the house.  It's kind of like the "someday I'll get to sleep through the night" thing while you have an infant.  But really, I don't want that.  Sure, I'd like life to be easier and physically less exhausting.  I'd like to have a shorter to-do list and get back to my hobbies.  I'd like to have a clean house.  I'd like to get back into exercising.  But I DO have an infant.  And an almost 3-year-old girl whose just getting the whole "terrible twos" thing.  And an almost 4 year old who's still in pull-ups because I gave up on potty training and who has more than enough spunk for THE ENTIRE WORLD.  And a 5-year-old boy almost ready to start kindergarten on medication for behavioral challenges who has huge potential to heal but needs a big enough role now.  And a 6 year old girl who's great but needs support in many ways.  And my super-duper 6 year old son who thrills my heart but needs his mommy to get through the life we lead. And 2 dogs that shed all over my house leaving tumbleweeds made of fur.  And a hubby who works a different schedule than the normal 9-5 leaving me alone with all of those kiddos every.waking.moment when I'm not phsyically at the office.  That all makes it pretty difficult to do all that stuff my peers are doing "for their career" or even just to take a shower more than 2x a week.

Yep - I'm a mom.  I like it that way.

Working Mama Wednesday - Bonus Time 2013

A good portion of my income is made of my annual bonus. We always look forward to bonus payout because it helps us to check off a few things on our list that we'd wanted to do for the past several months but because of Christmas & New Year, both of which bring higher expenses for our family, we weren't otherwise able to do.  You know, all the exciting stuff like buying new tires where steel belts are coming through and replacing the fence at the rental house.  That being said, we always set aside a little money for each of us to spend independently on things we want.  It becomes a bit of a treat for us both to purchase something nice for ourselves without any guilt what-so-ever because all of our other expenses that we'd been putting off have been taken care of.  In this past this has meant things like a new Xbox360 for my hubby or new clothes/shoes for me.

This year my hubby new exactly what he wanted.  In fact, he knew exactly what he wanted for about 6 months and I give him super props for using self-control to avoid purchasing it earlier.  You see, our tv was 8 years old and on its last leg.  Hubby bought a 60" Sony as a bonus gift to himself after he hired on at his current job which was also his first "career-type" position.  He took great care of it and it served our family well while it lasted but unfortunately it had a problem where it was slowly turning blue.  Something related to the picture quality was actually melting so every time we turned it on or off the edge of the picture became a little more blue and we lost a few more pixels.  By the time the new year came around the damage to the tv was very obvious - every time you turned it off the screen looked more like the opening scenes of Star Wars (think "In a Galaxy Far, Far Away...) than it did a blank screen.  Those "stars" appeared during a show too.

I admit, even I was getting bothered by it.  Mie, the frugal one who doesn't care much about picture quality or screen size - I was pretty much ready to get a new one too.

So hubby researched and read and researched some more to figure out what he really wanted.  This is what we ended up buying, the day my bonus hit the bank.

And fun was had by all.  We even watched a 3D movie (well 2 of the kids did - that's all the glasses we have for now, which by the way doesn't work well when you have a 7 member family...).  Everyone's happy and the astronomical tv is headed upstairs to the play room for future use.

A few days later I had the opportunity to do some shopping of my own and buy the thing I was looking for...

These are close - I can't find them anymore online because true to self the shoes I bought were on clearance and are nowhere to be found online...

When I showed my hubby my purchase he said "don't you already have enough shoes?".  I quickly pointed out that I had 2, one for working in the yard and one for normal wear.  The ones for working in the yard I bought about 10 years ago...they are for working in the yard because I don't worry about how nasty they get out there, they are already that bad.  The other pair for "wear" are the ones I bought oh, about 5 years ago, the ones I bought to replace the others purchased 10 years ago.  I showed him where there was no more paint or materials in spots, where the sole is worn completely through in spots, etc.

I fully intended on ribbing him about here on my blog about the apparent discrepancy in our purchases and how I definitely didn't need a hard time from him on my purchase of a discount pair of shoes on clearance after 5 years (when he purchased a brand new tv with all the bells and whistles!), with my bonus.

That was, at least, until this happened:

Photo courtesy www.firehouse.com

Ok, so it really wasn't that bad but since apparently my hubby forgot to take a picture this will have to do.
Yes, I crashed my car.  Unfortunately I crashed my car into the rental car we had.  In my driveway.  While my entire family watched.  While our other car was in the shop waiting to be picked up from getting fixed after a freak accident led to its damage.  Yeah.  That.

So I guess we're even.

Working Mama Wednesday - Career Choice Impact of Foster Care

Recently I received a few calls about new positions to consider.  This isn't all that unusual.  I'm fortunate to get calls fairly frequently from recruiters looking to steal me away (or offer me a better opportunity).  Some positions I've considered but many I've almost immediately rejected.

Why?  Foster care, primarily.  There are two impeding factors that make me averse to considering a new position because they don't go well with our lives as foster parents.

First - Relocation.  Anytime relocation is required (about 50% of the calls I receive) I usually don't give it more than a passing thought.  Moving out of the area would require transferring my license and, depending on the situation we're in at the time, not taking our foster kids with us.  That means we'd have to make the kids move to another home or wait until they leave on their own (or are adopted) and that process is so uncertain most companies wouldn't want to wait.  Interestingly, the most recent call I received said they would wait, up to a year, if I'd commit to moving after that year was up.  Moving out of state would require a complete change in our foster care situation - since we're licensed through the state we'd have to completely close and start from scratch in a new state.  Not sure we want to do that either and the factor with the kids would still be in play.  Of course, relocating with our core family would be enough of a consideration to make us stay - not sure I want to uproot them from everything they've always known.

Second - Work requirements.  50-75% travel?  Will. not. work.  Not at this point in our lives.  Not only is it crazy enough to manage 5 kids (or so) with my hubby and I working different schedules but add to that the repeated trauma of mommy leaving for a week or two at a time?  I don't think so.  Not right now.  (Plus, I have a big desire to be home with my kids and actively parent them).  On top of that, I've really been blessed to be in a good place where my crazy family schedule is tolerated with my current job.  Yesterday I worked from home so I could manage a doctor visit and FAD worker visit during the day.  Today I got to work an hour later than I would have liked to because of the crazy of our morning routine topped off by my son spilling his cup of cereal on his pants in the car in the oh-so-unfortunate spot looking like he had an accident.  (Of course I was working last night until 11pm so it all evens out).  Losing that freedom right now in my life is a bit frightening.

I've always said my family comes before my work and it does.  But with this latest round of "would you consider...", I was really convicted about my plans vs. God's plans.  I constantly lecture everyone in my head if not more vocally about how they COULD do something if they wanted to and how letting God choose their course involves being open to what God wants, no matter what that looks like or how it impacts my life.  Bottom line, I have to be willing to move or travel or work somewhere else or not work if that is what God is calling mie to do and how on earth would I be willing to if I shut down the consideration before even listening to the recruiter, let alone the Holy Spirit.  

Now I find myself being challenged to open up my world of possibilities of what God's plan could be instead of putting Him, once again, in the box I've created to support my own plan for my life.  What if He asked us to move?  We've done it before and it was wildly successful.  What if He asked us to change companies and with that brought more of a 7:45-5:15 kind of schedule?  

I need to be open to being obedient...that's the best place I can be.

Of course I still hope that place is physically at my current home :) Just like I'd hoped not to be infertile...

Working Mama Wednesday - A Little Mie Time

First - Can I tell you all that I love you?  I do.  When I do blog regularly and I see your comments and browse through the stats on how my blog has grown and touches people daily I'm so honored and humbled. And proud.  Can you be humbled and proud at the same time?  Hmmmm...

Second - If you're wondering what happened with baby baby's case, so am I.  I haven't heard from the caseworker yet and it's now the day after.  I'm trying to take that as good news.  At the very least the judge didn't order immediate return of baby baby to his parents.  I suppose he could have ruled immediate return for the siblings and not the baby, but I don't see that likely either.  I also suppose he could have ruled that the siblings return to a family member immediately, but not baby baby and therefore I wouldn't have heard about that.  He could have ruled all four stay in care.  He could have postponed his ruling for all I know.  What I do know is that baby baby did not leave yesterday as we'd tried to prepare our hearts for.  Just in case.  I will forever remember the personal, quiet moment Logan spent with the baby before he left to school when I told him to say goodbye, just in case.  It was extremely sweet.  He had a bad behavior day at school.  Coincidence?

Third - We did get a call from a caseworker yesterday.  The kids who were supposed to go home at their 14 day hearing, 6 weeks ago, are leaving tomorrow.  We are happy to finally have a date for many reasons.  I know this sounds harsh and generally they are good kids but given the case details and the fact that they were supposed to have been going home "any day" for 6 weeks - this is a bit of relief for everyone to move forward instead of held hostage by the system.

OK - back to Mie time.

A couple weeks ago I had to travel to Las Vegas for a week for work.  It was a logistical nightmare.  I had a 5 week old baby who had never spent the night with anyone other than mie (even my hubby) and who wasn't old enough to go to daycare.  My two backup childcare providers were unavailable.  The private nanny we'd been using was costing $100 per day AND wasn't available.  My hubby generally works off-hours, which meant we would have needed overnight babysitters and a private nanny.

I would have rather stayed home than leave my family for a week (though I did look forward to sleeping through the night for once).  Truth be told, I was a bit nervous about leaving my hubby with 5 kids 6 and under for 5 days straight - no breaks and no housekeeper to take care of all the things that magically get done around the house.  And an infant, 24 hours a day, for 5 days.  That would have been enough to overwhelm any man.

I was alone most of the first day and night.  I found myself walking the strip alone, buying souvenirs for my kids, and feeling incredibly lonely.  I had about 2 hours worth of freedom from being mommy and wife and then had no idea what to do with myself.  I considered a visit to the spa.  I ended up eating dinner alone in my room and sorting personalized M&Ms into 4 different containers for the kids while watching an Intervention marathon.  I just wanted to go home.

Work activity picked up on Tuesday and so my loneliness was at least distracted.  And then the fun started.

My mom was able to drive out to join mie Tuesday afternoon so we hit the town.  We had a dinner out on the strip.  We walked the strip.  I stopped someone from pick-pocketing a man.  I think I saw pure evil in that girl's eyes and am almost certain there was some spiritual warfare going on as we exchanged glances.  We walked the strip some more and visited a few hotels.  We chatted and had fun.  After we arrived in the hotel room at about 8:30, I tried to quickly purchase tickets to see David Copperfield to surprise my mom.  We ended up with front row seats and had a really fun time.  It was definitely worth it.  Then it was back to work Wednesday and said goodbye to mom.

I came back to my room to a beautiful bouquet of flowers sent by my hubby.  The note said "can't wait until you're home", which was as romantic as it was a cry of desperation.  I took a nap.  A glorious nap.

After dinner I decided I was going to hit the casino floor.  I'm not much of a gambler.  I've been to Vegas plenty of times but have only gambled once.  It was blackjack at a $2.  I put down $20 and left with $40 but that was so extravagant of mie at the time.  I just don't care for gambling.  Nevertheless I didn't want to be alone and had heard some of the stories about what went on while I was out with my mom so I decided to walk around and see what everyone else (I worked with) was doing.

I ended up sitting at a blackjack table nervously dropping the $100 bill my mom gave mie to pay for her ticket to the show the night before.  That is crazy for mie, Y'all.  But I did it amidst my coworkers who easily had 3, 4, and 5 times that on the table.  I ended up playing for 5 1/2 hours and pocketed about $500. Crazy huh?

You see growing up my parents didn't go out without us much but occasionally we'd go to Vegas or Laughlin as a family.  Very rarely they would go alone. We once ended up in Laughlin for 4 days with no money.  We will never forget that story.  I digress...  My mom would play slots and my dad would play blackjack.  Back at home my dad would play blackjack on that first computer we got around 1992.  

At some point he started teaching us how to play.  He taught us the dealer rules and "what the book said" about all the different scenarios on the table.  I thoroughly enjoyed the game.  It was challenging and fun.  Of course then we didn't gamble so I learned how to play really well without getting hooked on betting.  It was just a fun game.  And so it goes in Vegas - I figure playing blackjack at a table with friends having a ton of laughs and getting to know them better while playing a game I enjoy and am comfortable with seemed like a good way to enjoy some recreation.  Apparently, it also worked out that because I'm not hooked on gambling AND I knew how to play (and, quite possibly because I don't drink), I ended up winning too.

So. Much.  Fun.

By Thursday morning my reputation for winning and being fun to play with had spread.

So Thursday night I did it again.  I had SO many laughs.  I bonded with some coworkers.  I had fun playing. I enjoyed socializing as an adult without having to worry which kid was doing that crazy thing kids do.  And, I doubled my money again.

By the time I came home my superhero hubby was ready for a break. My hubby deserves superstar credit for being a great dad and hubby while I was away!  I "let" him play video games that night with his friends.  I immediately turned over my entire winnings.  I didn't and still don't care about the money itself but it was a blessing to him and certainly was an extension of gratitude for what he did in giving mie that trip.  I worked.  I only had one night of the 4 where I got good rest.  But, I had some time to just have fun without worrying about all of my responsibilities I have back at home. The break left mie strangely rested and energized for my real-life.  I will forever be grateful for that time away.

Working Mama Wednesday – Yes! You CAN Do It.

As a foster parent the thing I hear the most is “I could never do that” – it’s something all foster parents hear from time to time and causes mixed reactions.  I usually just smile but deep down it rubs mie the wrong way.  I am not special, no different than you, I just say yes when they call and do what it takes to love on these kids.

As a working mom the thing I hear the most is...you guessed it “I could never do that” – or its cousin “I don’t know how you do it”.  Regarding work it doesn’t bother mie as much as it does regarding foster parenting.  It does, however, make mie pause. 

The reality is that I truly do not comprehend how people say they “cannot” do it just as much as they don’t understand how I can do it.  I get up every morning.  I get my (5) kids ready.  I get them fed.  I put one on the bus and then start my 25+ mile commute that includes two stops at different daycares (three soon as baby baby starts attending yet another daycare...).  I drink my breakfast (a homemade chai latte) on my way.  I put my makeup on while stopped in traffic (I know...).  I work all day.  Sometimes I’ve made my lunch – other times I buy something.  I try to leave work by 4:45 or 5 and then start the race home to get to first daycare before it closes, 15 minutes before the second one closes.  It’s a tight race sometimes.  I usually get home between 6 and 6:30.  Hopefully my hubby and I have preplanned dinner.  After dinner there may be some playtime with the kids, depending on the time but basically it starts the nighttime routine.  Without the baby it’s 4 kids, 2 bedrooms, and at least one of them always has a meltdown.  When that is done there’s still baby to take care of, 1-2 loads of laundry, hopefully a shower for mie, and some more cleaning.  Like the dinner dishes.  I usually get in bed by 10:30 or 11.

This has been some version of my reality since I’ve been a parent.  I didn’t mention my hubby in there but obviously he plays a role as well (he’s home to welcome the bus in the afternoon, for example). 

The truth is, I don’t know any other way.  When people tell mie they can’t do it, all I can figure is that there is something in their life that they would have to give up that I don’t work into my routine.  Here are the things I would think of that I don’t do as much of:

• ·         Perfectly cleaned house.  It just doesn’t ever happen in my home.  But the basics are done most of the time.
• ·         Sleep.  Without the baby it’s usually 6-7 hours – with it’s usually about 4 with all of the waking up and disruptions from his noises.
• ·         TV shows & movies – I hear people talk about all these different shows they watch and if you ask mie if I’ve seen a particular movie chances are I haven’t.  I DO watch tv, almost every day, usually while I’m feeding the baby, folding laundry, or cleaning up the common areas.  I rarely sit down and watch tv while doing nothing else.
• ·         Exercise.  I’m about to start running again so I’ll throw that in a few times a week but otherwise it’s usually not a regular part of my routine. 
• ·         Beauty care.  I  try to fit in things like waxing, pedicures, manicures (home or not) here and there but the reality is I go 1-2 months between getting my nails done (or painting them myself) and I can’t remember the last time my eyebrows were waxed.

I didn’t mention weekend time or much interaction with my kids but the reality is that usually I’ll choose activities with them over chores every time.  We go to museums, play dodgeball weekly, color, play games, have movie night, and generally just be together.  Last night we started a science experiment where we are checking to see when a popsicle stick gets waterlogged.  It’s hanging on my wall.  I don’t sweat that there is a quart-sized bag of water hanging from my bulletin board (or that the calendar on my bulletin board is from 2011). 

So tell me folks – what is it that I’m missing out on?  Someday my kids will be out of the house (theoretically – they perpetually seem to stay about 2 years old!) and I’ll need to have a few things on my list to try out – you know, what normal people who “can’t” be like mie do...

I’m guessing I’ll need to clean more toilets and scrub my floors more.  Maybe catch up on scrapbooking?  

Working Mama Wednesday - Dr. Mie

In case you missed it, I successfully defended my dissertation on October 18th, finally ending my official status as "grad student" that I've hung onto since 2005.  It took mie 7 1/2 years to get a Masters & Ph.D. while working full-time (with at least 5 job changes), giving birth once, adopting once, and parenting 12 others among many, many other life events (like identifying & working on infertility and everything that happened as chronicled in the "one year ago today" series).  

This whole process of finishing feels so strange in many ways.  I went through school for so long.  I had this goal of completing a Ph.D. for a LONG time.  I worked at it.  Several times I wanted to quit.  The process is so nebulous that aside from signing up for and completing the classes that are clearly defined (and not all are) the rest of it you have to figure out as you go so I've spent time wandering the lost forest of doctoral work never quite knowing exactly what the next step is or what it will take to finish.  When you start you know about the dreaded "Dissertation" and just like any final step it seems impossible and is equally scary.  It has been hanging over my head (along with the goal and all the work involved in completing the degree) for 7 1/2 years!  It has been a major stresser in my life.  I've desperately wanted to quit several times.  My husband and I have fought at times, not necessarily about school but as a result of it.  I've sacrificed sleep.  I've sacrificed time with my kiddos.  It has been hard.

I finished coursework in Spring 2011 and took about a year off just enjoying NOT doing schoolwork.  The stress of having school still hanging over mie was a heavy weight and combined with a peer's graduation it helped motivate mie to actively finish the rest of the degree process this past spring.  I got in gear.  In a matter of 4 weeks or so I finished my comprehensive exams (writing over 100 pages in 2 weeks while working full-time and parenting) and I proposed my dissertation.  For the next 4 months I collected and analyzed data then wrote the rest of my dissertation (ended up being approx. 145 pages).  It was a LOT of work.  Then after getting the approval of my major professor to proceed another professor on my committee said I needed to start over.  With 3 weeks left to my dissertation defense.  That was defeating.  For the next 10 days I tried to coordinate schedules (while working...) with a professor half way around the world in a different time zone with myself and another professor who was a stickler for her own schedule.  

I got really sick.  4/5 of my kids had birthdays in as many weeks.  I got sick again.  Twice.  I threw a mega birthday party and sent a kid home.  Twice.  I got almost no sleep.  My husband and I decided that if it didn't work now I'd probably stop the program (and give up on my dream).  We just couldn't do it anymore.

So Oct. 18th came.  I made my presentation for 10 minutes.  I answered tough questions for 40 minutes or so.  Then they kicked everyone out of the room to vote.  

They opened the door and said "Doctor?..." indicating I passed.  My committee greeted mie by shaking my hand, saying congratulations, and telling mie how well I did.  That all lasted 60 seconds, tops.  Everyone (school peers who were there to watch) came back in the room and said congrats.  We sat down to do an informal Q&A for another 45 minutes or so.  

....and it was done.  I was done.  School was done.  I was ready to graduate.  I was officially "Dr.".  

All that work, suddenly over.  

The relief and weight off my shoulders is something I can physically feel.  The stress of it all is gone.  My brain works better - it has one less thing to worry about.  I am generally happier.  I feel great.

On the other hand - it feels empty, like "that's it? It's over?"  I don't need or want to be celebrated by others (in fact the congratulations has made mie very uncomfortable) but it feels like there should have been trumpets sounding or some other fanfare to accompany the finale.  In other words, I just can't believe it's done and I'm finally on the other side of this long, long journey.

Usually I'm not really conscious of the fact that I've finished, that I'm now a "Dr.", or of all the hurdles I had to jump over to finish.  But every once in a while I sit back and think "yeah, I did it".  

I don't every want people to call mie Dr. unless it's appropriate for the professional situation.  I'm not someone who's going to walk around introducing myself as "Dr. G...".  I don't need a party or anything else.  This was a personal goal that I desperately wanted to finish and finally have.  

I am, however, looking forward to the first time I get to fill in an anonymous survey somewhere and can check "Dr." or under highest level of education completed "Ph.D." instead of "some graduate school".  

I. Can't. Wait. 

Working Mama Wednesday - Why I'm Grateful I Worked Through College

If I haven't already said, I worked full-time while in college.  After getting about 5 hours of sleep last night I found myself thinking about it on the drive to work this morning.  I graduated with my Bachelor's degree 3 years after I graduated from high school - at least a year earlier than most of my classmates.  Since I was usually a year younger than most people in my grade that means I ended up graduating from college when I was 20.  It was a lot of work.

I am SO grateful that's the way it went down.  There are obvious reasons:

• I graduated & entered the job market when I was 20.
• I paid for 1 less year of college.
• When I did graduate I had enough practical work experience to land me a job that led to my current career AND paid really well for a new-college-grad starting salary (and, frankly, for most anyone's salary).  I mean - I was able to buy a house when I was 20 with my own money.

These are great reasons to have worked, full-time, through college but honestly they are not what I'm most grateful for now.  You see, working full-time through college taught mie SO much about life.  Looking back I suppose I didn't have to work full-time.  I went to a private university and my parents paid my tuition for the first 2 1/2 years (I paid the final semester).  They paid for mie to live in the dorms the first year and I lived at home the other two years.  I suppose I could have worked part time and made enough to get by.  I bought a new car in the beginning of my 2nd year of school and I suppose I could have not done that.  I could have taken out loans and lived on campus without a car.  I could have sold my car and bought another one that was more reliable but still used rather than buying a new one and lived at home.  I had enough of a safety net to fall back on at home and allow mie to take it a bit easier.  There was nothing requiring mie to do it all in 3 years.  

Except there was.  My parents instilled in mie a sense of personal responsibility.  Though I didn't have to and my parents didn't necessarily encourage it, I started working at 15 to help pay for my own things (including my first car and car insurance + a bit of spending money).  I wanted to help pay my own way - I didn't want to freeload on my parents forever.  (Not that living with your parents at 15 is freeloading). 

So when I turned 18 and had the chance to begin working full-time I took the chance.  I moved back in with my parents so I'd be closer to work a block away vs. 20 minutes from school.  I arranged my schedule so I had all of my classes on Tues & Thursday meaning I had to make the drive to school on those days and I worked during the day on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday and then either on Sunday or Thursday nights.  This allowed mie to go to church on Sunday mornings and maybe Sunday or Thursday night college group events (where my husband and I really started dating) but the rest of the time I was working, in class, or doing homework.  Literally, that's all I did.  

But in that I learned extremely valuable life lessons that come in really helpful today in the real world as a mom or a wife:

• Pay now/play later or play now/pay later - it's your choice.  You will have to pay one way or the other.  While friends, classmates, and coworkers were out partying or doing whatever they did, I was working either on school or at work.  But now I see where there lives are - many are struggling to get by, still wondering when they're going to catch their big breaks.  Many are struggling to pay basic bills in low-paying jobs because they don't have the skills (or discipline) to do much more.  Obviously this is not everyone's story and many of them have had things face them that were out of control but the point is that you will either pay now with lots of work or later with lots of work.  This life was not meant to be easy.
• I can do a lot more than most people think they can (but only for a time).  The ONLY reason I graduated in 3 years was because I felt I needed to with working full-time.  I didn't want to keep up that pace for a 4th year.  I came into college with a semester's credits behind mie due to AP classes/tests so after my 2nd year I realized I could take a heavy load including the summers and was able to finish a year early.  It took mega planning.  It took a lot of work.  I remember sitting for a week's vacation with my husband (then boyfriend) and his family doing nothing but writing papers.  Occasionally I took a break to take a sunset walk on the beach or eat a meal but for the most part I was taking care of a college class - actually 2 6 week summer classes in the course of a week.  
• It's no one else's job to take care of my family.  Yes, there may come a time (and has) where we've needed brief support - like family or friends baby sitting my kiddos while I work hard on a paper.  Though we all need help from time to time I realize it is not everyone else's responsibility to pay my way or do my work.  It is my husband and my responsibility to provide for our family.  It is our responsibility to clean the house and do laundry.  To pay bills.  To teach our kids.  To cook dinner.  etc., etc.  So, when I do need to ask someone to help I do so humbly and respectfully, knowing they are providing a huge benefit to our family in helping not because it is their obligation but because they are gracious people who deserve my respect and appreciation.

So yes, I worked really hard in my late teens and early 20s and it has paid off financially.  I'm grateful for that but it's the practical lessons I learned from those experiences that really has given mie a leg-up on life.  

As I now sit facing 30-45 more days before I defend my dissertation, knowing it is not yet finished and therefore I need to work really hard daily on it, even though I have a more than full-time job and 3 kids, a husband, and a home to care for, I'm benefiting greatly from these lessons:

a) Pay now - Every day I have to make the conscious decision to work, work, work.  30-45 more days and I can play and celebrate and will truly be done with school, finally (with the exception of formalities).  This means I have to forgo watching my favorite shows that distract mie.  I can't sit at night after the kids go to bed and do my crafts or work on house projects that I want to complete or take a nice bubble bath.  If I work really hard now I can get this piece behind mie and I know the reward of being done instead of having this hang over my head will be worth it.

b) Do a lot more (but only for a time).  Until I'm finished writing & editing my dissertation I will likely be up until midnight or 1 every night getting it done, that's after a 10-12 hour work day and 3-6 hours total with the kids each day, and 1-2 hours of housework.  I'll be getting 4-5 hours of sleep a night.  I won't be able to get everything done and the upstairs playroom might not get cleaned for a while.  I know that I can do this.  I keep telling myself (literally) that I can do anything for 30 days.  I know I can.  And to that end its because I know the reward of being done will be worth it.

c) It's no one else's job.  Though I can leave some things undone for a while (like finishing painting the guest room or cleaning the carpets in my bedroom), I can't just let things go completely.  In the end my relationship and health of my kids and with my husband are much more important than finishing my degree - I have to spend at least some intentional time daily nurturing them.  I can't just not do laundry.  I can't not clean the kitchen.  It needs to be done.  However, it doesn't need to be done as meticulously as I would if I had nothing else to do.  And, it doesn't HAVE to be done by mie.  I can reach out humbly and ask for help.  I can ask my husband to pitch in to help in areas where I usually do something but could use his help.  Not only does it get things done that I couldn't do myself, it gives mie a chance to communicate my needs to others and build that part of our relationship better.  It also gives mie a chance to show sincere appreciation to those in my life who are willing to step in and help. It's made mie pay conscious attention to the things that need done, can be put off, and can be done by others.  It's made mie pay conscious attention to how I treat those I love in my life and how I'm showing them gratitude.

Basically, I'm more efficient with life.  I'm less-selfish.  I'm getting more important things done and forgetting about things that are more frivolous (like So You Think You Can Dance and cleaning the toilets - hehe - really my toilets are clean).  I'm learning I can make mistakes and ask for forgiveness when I do.  I'm actively prioritizing things and people in my life in the right order (see the previous mistakes sentence).  

If you're a parent of young kids like mie and wonder what will happen when your kids go to school and how you'll pay for it all and wanting to help them not work - just remember that working isn't all that bad necessarily.  Balancing some level of work with other things in life teaches our children responsibility that will truly benefit them as adults.  Though I won't be forcing my children to work full-time through school if they don't have to, I will be trying to make sure they are contributing to their financial situation if for no other reason than to learn self-responsibility and accountability for their actions, priorities, and behaviors. 

You Can't Have it All..

...but you can do more than you think!

I'm currently in the process of assuming a new role at work.  It's been almost two months now but half-way in my department and another were consolidated and I assumed responsibility for the combined group.  Even if everything was running smoothly prior to the consolidation that alone (along with a new leader in both groups) would be enough to manage but on top of that most of the team are new in their role, restructuring and infrastructure improvements are necessary, and there is a very heavy workload in my organization right now for great reasons.  The bad news is - it's a lot to manage right now.  Even if I worked 20+ hours a day I'd still have work to do.  So I'm learning to be content without perfection, which is quite a task for mie.  The good news is that I love what I'm doing and the craziness of it all.

So after an 8-9 hour day literally so full of meetings and work I'm not always taking the chance to eat, 2 hours of commuting, and pick-up/drop-off times at pre-school I come home pretty tired.  Then we eat dinner, spend time together, and we're trying to focus on getting our house spic-n-span and organized before new kids arrive so we're doing some of that here and there.  You know, stuff like steam cleaning the car seats (all 7 of them!) because after removing the covers to wash them we found they were NASTY underneath.  Or, stuff like finishing painting my son's room, something that was started according the date on the paint can nearly a year ago.  Oy.

This week happens to be kids week on Jeopardy - you should check it out.  This show has a long history in my family growing up and though we're not as dedicated to it as, say, our dad is we have all learned to enjoy it, including Logan.  So - add in Kids Week Jeopardy on Skype from 9:10-9:40pm, so we can watch it with my parents, literally on their tv.  It's been a blast.

Between dinner and now there have been at least 3 possibly 5 requests for snacks.  Summer goes to bed within 90 minutes of dinner time so you know the requests haven't come from her.

After all the excitement its 10:15 before we get Logan to bed, at which point I finally have the opportunity to turn on my laptop and work on my dissertation - something that is necessary if I want to graduate in December but definitely not my favorite activity at the moment.  I'm staring down the next 45-60 days that are all I have left to finalize my dissertation, get it edited, and defend it.  Lord help me.

I've been working on it until 12:30am or so.  Add in random text conversations till 3am with someone I know who's struggling with something right now, setting off the house alarm when trying to let the dogs out, and the 3rd night antics of the son who insists on sleeping on top of mie rather than just in my bed, and you can imagine I'm not getting much sleep.  My alarm is set for 5:30-5:45am.  I'm tired.

This post said it well.  Of course at first I thought "...no, I really couldn't just do it (run)...and I wanted to be defensive" but that is missing the point.  People ask us all the time how we do it.  All. The. Time.  The answer is...



You. Just. Do.  If something is important to you, you figure it out.  You sleep less.  You don't do other stuff.  You prioritize important stuff.  You deprioritize other stuff.

So next time you find yourself thinking "I could never...(insert your big hairy audacious almost goal here)", make sure you follow it up with "because EVERYTHING else I do is much more important".  Need help?  Here are a few I can think of...

"I can't foster, my fear of giving them up is much more important than taking care of a child who doesn't have a family right now".
"I can't be a foster parent, managing a consistent, reliable schedule is much more important than taking care of an orphan (temporary or permanent)."
"I can't adopt, my comfort with my current small, easy to manage family is much more important than giving a child a family forever".

I could go on.  You may find yourself in the same position I was when I read the other blog I linked to earlier, defending your inability to add something to your plate.  I say, as long as your "I can't...because XXXX is so much more important" is something you can live with, then you have nothing to worry about.  If you're honest and find that you can't foster because you have more important things to do like watching The Bachelorette and getting pedicures regularly, try picturing yourself telling that to the child who is sleeping in a shelter tonight because there wasn't a home open when he/she came into care.  Imagine telling that to the children who were split up and sent to live in separate homes because no one was willing to take siblings.  Imagine telling that to the child sent to the abusive/neglectful foster home that was just looking for cash.  (You could use this for things not related to foster care...like try telling yourself on your death bed that you never got that degree you always wanted because you needed to keep up with The Bachelorette).  You get the point.

You can't do everything.  I can't do everything.  I have to say no.  You have to say no.  Let's just be sure we're saying no to things we can't do because the things we're saying yes to really are THAT IMPORTANT.

Working Mama Wednesday - The New Office

It took about 5 weeks after I started my new job (which, by the way, was about 6 weeks after I accepted the position) to get my new office.  During the month of June, primarily, I was working back and forth between where my team was located on one floor and where my temporary office was located on a completely different floor.  Once my office was ready it took another week to get my stuff moved by the movers - that stuff included my files, books, office supplies, food stash, and my phone with my phone extension attached.  It was a long wait.

Once all my stuff arrived I was so unbelievably busy, literally I didn't eat for 2 or 3 days, I didn't have time to move in.  That left me with a new office, 7 boxes, and 1 crate sitting in my office waiting for me to unpack for nearly a week.  I made slow progress, maybe a box or so a day, partly because I was busy and partly because I now have a new office setup and had to think about how I wanted things organized.

This meant I wasn't organized.  I had have papers all over the place, trinkets that are unorganized, and just piles of stuff laying around.  I did, however, get my pictures up as quick as possible along with the little notes from my son and husband I mentioned here.  Those little things are so important to me.

With the addition of the pictures people are now stopping by to mention how much my office is getting put together and how it feels a bit more like home.  

To which, seeing all the piles of unorganized crap, I affirm that yes, indeed, this is what home looks like :)

Working Mama Wednesday - Field Trips

As a working mom I try very hard not to miss the opportunities to spend time with my kiddos while they're at school/daycare or extra curricular activities.  I've been very fortunate that I've had the flexibility to arrange my work schedule so that I could volunteer in their classrooms, chaperon field trips, and attend performances.

Two weeks ago I went with my son on a field trip to a ranch in the woods that the school put together to celebrate kindergarten graduation.  We went swimming, had lunch, and I rode a school bus for the first time since my last high school swim meet.  He chose to sit next to mie on that bus on the way to the ranch.  It was special times.  I know as he gets older there will be less opportunity for mie to do these things - both because they will go on fewer field trips and because at some point he won't want his mommy going with him.

Last week I attended his kindergarten graduation in the morning, then stayed with him for the special brunch provided for the kids and parents, played a few games with him, and then took him with mie to work for the rest of the day.  I had to move my office that day so I used him as a special helper to transport things from desk to desk.  We also took a trip to the food trucks where after he ate two snack size snickers and a full size snickers he ate a snow cone instead of a real lunch.  Yes I'm the mom and am in charge so I fully blame myself for those choices.  I will cherish those memories and I hope he does too.

I started my new position officially this week which means I have to be a little careful how often I'm flexing my hours or taking time off.  I have 4 weeks vacation each year so I can take time off but still I plan to prove my ability to do my job before I show up late or take time off each week lest I appear lazy (in my job) and entitled.  In the next two weeks I already have court, dentist appointments (that are late...), and an ENT appointment with #10 that have been scheduled for months and I can't reschedule so I'll already have to watch how often I'm coming in late, leaving early, or taking full days off.

Unfortunately, that means I'm missing a very big field trip today, which is making mie really sad AND nervous.  My son is going to Six Flags, a major theme park, today with his school.  He's 5 and has never been there before.  He's really nervous about going because someone told him he'd have to ride the big rides (which isn't true at all) and he's used to doing stuff like this with his mom and dad.  We know he'll have fun riding the smaller rides (the group he's in), he knows what to do if he gets lost (he's known his full address since he was 18 months old), and I trust this school (not all schools) to take really good care of him.  At the end of the day besides being tired, I know he'll be happy he went.  Nevertheless I wish I could be with him and I hate that I couldn't go.  In all honesty if I didn't have so many multiple-people meetings today I would have rescheduled the meetings I initiated so that I could have gone.  I tried looking into that option yesterday to see if I could make it work, even if it was for a half-day, but I could not.

So I'm sitting here at work genuinely looking forward to the great day I have ahead of mie at work but wishing that my meetings mysteriously get canceled so I can run off to join my son at the theme park.  Wouldn't that be cool?  I doubt it will happen and I'm not at all dressed for a day of roller coasters but I'd make it work if these meetings disappeared.

*Hand to forehead* - I just realized I forgot to put sunscreen on him!  *sigh*

Working Mama Wednesday = Thankful Thursday

Tuesday I promised to post a Working Mama Wednesday piece about changes at work.  However, this change happens to be super cool and definitely worthy of a Thankful Thursday spot, so I’ll pretend that I intentionally held off until Wednesday.  I most certainly did not forget to get this blog out on time on Wednesday.  Nope.  That wasn’t mie.

You all know I’ve been whining about my job situation. I say whining because frankly I have a really good job that affords our family with lots of possibilities including flexible schedule and a very large paycheck but I haven’t been content where I’m at.  Frankly I’ve felt overpaid and underworked in this role and that’s not something I’m comfortable with, not to mention my feelings toward project management in general (which is what I’ve been doing for the past year).  It was a good move at the time due to some really bad circumstances in my previous role and I love the people I work with – I just felt underutilized.  If I’m honest, I also felt a bit bitter about the circumstances in my last role which continue to be proven less and less “my fault”, though I do take ownership for my pieces.  In the last year I’ve had 5-10 significant role changes/promotions fall through and it was beginning to be pretty frustrating.  I didn’t understand what God was doing but I knew I just needed to press forward, work on contentment in my role, and continue to serve in this role to my best capacity.  

Two weeks ago I was called in by my boss.  Turns out it was annual merit pay increase time and he was rewarding mie with my 3+% pay increase which was nothing to sneeze at, especially since I already felt overpaid.  Keep that in mind.

Then came last week.  I was offered, and accepted, a new director role.  It hasn’t been announced yet and I don’t know if anyone from work reads my blog so I’ll stay a little vague, but needless to say it’s a role that will be PERFECT for mie in so many ways.  It will challenge mie intellectually, it will put mie in the position to be leading people again, it gives mie a big area of responsibility for the company, and I’ll be working for people who really wanted mie to work for them.  Needless to say I’m super excited.

I’m also excited that this whole phase is finally “done”.  This opportunity was presented to mie in early March as a possibility and everyone else around mie has seemed to know what was going on more than I did.  I actually had 3 opportunities as “possible” positions for the past 6-8 weeks and yet nothing seemed to be moving – it was hard waiting to know how everything was going to work out.  I also knew in my heart that if something DIDN’T work out, no matter how much I tried to prepare myself for that, it would have hurt my heart and caused further frustration.  At one point in a conversation not really related to my opportunities I found that one of the positions was no longer an option for mie, despite the fact that just days earlier it was presented as a definite option and no one had told mie that changed.  I’m definitely learning to be flexible.

I’m supposed to begin this new position at the beginning of June.  I was presented with an offer and to my surprise on top of my 3+% pay increase I’d received the week before I will now be receiving a MUCH more substantial pay increase.  In a few weeks I’ll have been here for 10 years and now I can say that my pay has increased 500% from where I was when I started.  Seriously I’m blown away.

I’m also very grateful that God continues to teach mie and use mie where I am.  I hope I’m able to speak into the lives of those I work with and can honor Him in my new role.  One of the things my husband and I am SO excited about is that with this new income we will be able to help SO MANY PEOPLE!  We have a few things to take care of “in our own house” first, but then we will be in a position to bless others in a way we would have never thought possible.  We’re super, super excited.

And very, very thankful.  And honored.  

(And I get to hire a housecleaner.  Yippee for mie!  Boohoo for all the germs that may have taken up residence in my restrooms.)

So, in the last two weeks I received a merit pay increase, I was offered and accepted this position, that day I received word that I passed my comps, I received my daughter's new social security number, and then I presentedand passed my dissertation proposal.  It’s been a good two weeks to be mie.  As I approach the 2 year anniversary of one of the low seasons of my life, I’m reminded that life is cyclical and God will do what He will.  I’m glad to be on this ride.

Working Mama Wednesday - The Ph.D.

An anonymous friend asked about the Ph.D. so I figured I'd share more about it with you.  These are a few questions I get asked frequently.

What will your Ph.D. in?
My Ph.D. will be in human performance improvement, which, in a nutshell is the study of human behavior, organizational psychology, human resources, adult education, training and development, and a few more all wrapped into one.  I have a Masters degree in the same program.  When I started that program it was called "Training and Development".  Most of the time when I tell people about "performance improvement" they have no idea what I'm talking about, unless they're in the field, and many assume its a sports-related field.

What do you plan to do with that?  Do you want to teach?
This is an understandable and reasonable question but is one I have a really hard time answering.  The truth of the matter is that a lot of people who obtain a doctorate do so because they want to teach and most degree programs and universities are aimed at preparing graduates to become professors at research universities.  That's kind of the goal even though more and more people are pursuing degrees even though they don't want to teach.  As a Ph.D. student, most people think you are wanting to be a professor.

Though I believe I would enjoy being a professor and may do that at some point, that really has nothing to do with why I decided to get a Ph.D.  I'm also not from one of those families where everyone is highly educated at Ivy league universities and therefore its expected for you to get a professional degree (M.D., J.D., etc.) or a Ph.D.  As far as I know, there are only 5-10 people in my large family with bachelors degrees, maybe 4 with Masters degrees, and I will be the first with a Ph.D.  But that's not why I'm doing it either.

It probably won't help mie directly in my career, at least not how my career is headed today.  It will not directly tie to a pay increase.

In reality - I don't plan on doing anything with it.  I didn't pursue it "to do something with it".

So why did you go through all that then?
I want to say I don't know.  The reality is that I don't.  From a practical perspective I have no idea why I decided to go through all of this, and it has been a lot.  I would have told you at the end of my Masters program that it wasn't that big of a deal - and it wasn't.  The Ph.D. process has been more difficult but not because of the intellectual rigor, more because I've been doing all this on top of raising a young family and working full-time.  It has been a lot of work, a long commitment, a bit of a financial investment, and ultimately  a test of endurance, from my perspective.

And that is just it - from my perspective.

I have done it because I can.  That is my most honest answer that has stuck with mie since the idea became apparent and I couldn't tell you when that was.  Maybe middle school.  I wouldn't call it a life-long dream.  It is an expectation.  Not my parents expectation.  Not my husband's expectation.  Not a particular teacher or friend's expectation.

I believe it is God's expectation.  Of Mie.  Between Mie and Him.  Maybe that's why it's so hard to explain.   It is a deeply personal thing that I believe He has placed in Mie for some reason that not even I am going to be privy to until it is time.  I was born with a particular ability to learn very quickly.  I was raised in an environment that let Mie flourish intellectually - not through pressure but through freedom to grow into who I'm created to be.  I've grown to believe over time that God has given me these abilities for a reason.  Over time some people have treated Mie like I'm special or "better than" because of this intellectual ability and it makes mie really uncomfortable.  In the end, I'm trying to do the best with what I've been given.  I'm fortunate that I've been blessed with the ability to learn quickly and that has translated into educational "success", but I am deeply aware that the only role I've had in all that is to try to be faithful with what I've been given.

I think that's been the greatest challenge in it all too.   There have been times where things have become rough - when I've been up all night trying to get something done or when I've focused on schoolwork and subsequently watched my house get filthy - and I get discouraged and I've questioned whether or not this is what I'm supposed to do.  Am I doing this for the right reason?  Am I just doing this for mie?  Is God trying to tell mie not to pursue this?  What on Earth is this all for...?  I've wrestled a bit with God about it all.  Because I don't know - and may never know - the purpose behind this whole Ph.D. thing, sometimes I'm left wondering if it will be worth it, what God has up His sleeve, and, in a very personal way whether the sacrifices I've made in the process are going to be worth it in the end.  Or did I miss something along the way  that I was supposed to catch from God - did I head down the wrong path?

That's not to say that everyone who is "smart" is supposed go to college or get a Ph.D., that I'm somehow better than others because I've done this.  It's not to say that if someone struggles academically that they aren't supposed to continue on in higher education.  It's not to say that pursuing a career in the professorate is good or bad.  I'm afraid that every time I answer this question, because I don't have an easy "to teach" kind of answer, that I'm going to send the wrong message about why this has all happened the way it has.


I don't know.  In the end my answer remains that same - I'm doing it because I can.  God gave mie this gift and I believe I'm supposed to continue on, one step in front of the other, until my feet are pointed in another direction.  I guess that will have to do for now.

Working Mama Wednesday - Mistakes

I made a big mistake at work yesterday.  Unintentional, but a mistake nonetheless.  It was dramaticized big time by big people and that didn't make mie feel any better about the well-intentioned thing I'd done.

Upon learning of my mistake I cried - all the way to work this morning and now at nearly 11am I'm still on the verge of tears.  I hope this passes soon.

This is where empathy and sensitivity can be a problem.

Mistakes seems to be a theme in my life right now, especially over the last few days.  Just hours before I made this mistake at work I'd had to leave work for an hour or so to head over to city court to discuss a certain ticket I'd been given from a police officer - the first in 9 years and one earned completely by accident.  After attending my kids court hearing in January I traveled the 60ish miles to my work via a different route I normally take.  This meant I ended up driving streets I was familiar with (as in pass by all the time) but haven't actually driven before.  I ended up stopping at a red light behind a big box truck.  The driver turned right (on red) and I pulled up to the line, looking left at oncoming traffic to see what was coming.  They were slowing down and it was safe to make my right-hand turn so I did only to see an officer flagging mie down.  I've seen these officers there SO many times and wondered what they were looking for.  Turns out there are 2 no-right-turn-on-red signs posted.  I just couldn't see them because the box truck in front of mie had blocked them and then after he turned on red it didn't even cross my mind to look for those signs.

In any case I was guilty.  The truth is that whether or not I meant to make the mistake, whether an accident or not, I did the thing I wasn't supposed to do.  This is true in the work situation and with the traffic ticket and in most other situations in my life where I do something wrong since I very infrequently do something wrong intentionally with full-knowledge of what I'm doing.

I was fortunate in court yesterday.  My case was dismissed because the officer declined to testify against mie.  This is the second time I've had this happen (and only my 3rd ticket in my lifetime) so I am humbled to have received that grace.  It was just that - pure grace.  I was ready to accept the punishment I deserved but thankfully didn't have to endure the consequence, aside from living with the emotional impact of my decisions.

I'm yet to know the full consequence for my actions at work though I'm hoping for grace as well.  And I did get a little.  At least the damaged relationship was somewhat restored.

Last night I had a conversation with my son that made this (hopefully short) season relevant.  It's the second one of the kind I've had with him in as many days.  Yesterday it was spurred by my son almost running into the street to get the ball while a car was feet from hitting him.  Thankfully he did stop and so did the car, but nevertheless it was a close call where my husband had to raise his voice to get his attention.  My son cried.  He said several times that he doesn't like getting corrected.  He doesn't like it because it makes him feel stupid.

You see, my son is just like mie.  We don't like to be corrected.  It hurts us to our core.  It's part of being academically gifted - we perceive our worth to be tied up in doing the right thing and usually we're able to because we pick up on the right thing so easily.  We learn the first time - and usually that first time is when someone else makes the mistake and we watch it.  Better yet, we can learn from a mistake before it happens many times just by thinking through the consequences of our actions.

And yet we're not perfect.  We do make mistakes and when we do it hurts really, really badly.  It feels as if we're less valuable as people because we're not perfect.  We should have known better.  And, to make it worse (though it's a good quality to have), when we make a mistake we can easily feel the impact on other people, whether its their disappointment in us for making a poor decision or their pain caused by our actions.  We physically feel it.

What I tell my son is that mommy understands.  She doesn't like getting corrected either and she knows how it makes her feel stupid too.  Likewise I remind him that we love him, God loves him, and that we don't expect him to be right all the time.  I remind him that even after living for 30 years and learning a whole lot mommy makes mistakes too - she still doesn't know everything and is wrong sometimes and makes mistakes and when she does she feels really bad.  But finally I tell him that we correct him to help make him better because we love him.  Last night we didn't want him to get smashed by a car (and I told him the story of a real 5 year old I knew growing up who did exactly what he was going to do and got hit by the car and had permanent brain damage).  We love him and never want him to be harmed - we want him to grow in both wisdom and stature as he ages.

So to is it with mie.  My God loves mie and provides correction when I make mistakes.  It doesn't mean I'm less worth.  It doesn't mean I'm less loved.  It means He wants mie to be better.  Thankfully He doesn't always allow mie to feel the full wrath of the consequence I should get for being wrong, something I deserve whether the mistake was intentional or purposeful.  Instead He offers mie grace.

May I never cheapen grace and may I be more like Him as a parent - teaching and upholding justice and yet offering grace freely.

Working Mama Wednesday - You Get What You Ask For...

Remember when I was whining about my career?

Well I'm no longer worrying about it.  In fact my situation has changed so much since I last talked about it I'm fairly sure God is teaching mie a lesson.  You know, something along the lines of..."You don't trust mie?  Here. Handle this."

Ok God.  I give in.

My workload has become a mountain to climb.  I'm responsible for some of the largest projects in my company.  Most of them I can't talk about at all.  They are all in their busiest season NOW.  Those that did have an extended time-frame (which were challenging in themselves) are now being demanded in half the time.  The projects I was supposed to get rid of when I took on these other projects never went away.  And they need mie too.

To top it all off, I'd promised myself that I was going to finish my Ph.D. this year and to do so meant I had to complete my competency exams and dissertation proposal over the next month or so.  That requires at least 2 weeks of "full-time" work during which they recommend that you take off from work.  That's not going to happen.

Actually it is, I do have a week of vacation coming up in all this so we can travel to see my dad for his 60th birthday.  I've already had to move it slightly due to the work situation so I can present at an executive committee meeting.  It was just moved by one day though - now we'll be leaving after the meeting instead of the day before.

Why is this all great?

I work well under pressure and I like this pace though admittedly I'd like to tackle this instead:

In case you can't tell, those are ribbons.  Lots and lots of ribbons, sorted out by color.  On  the middle right you can see three bags - a purple and blue and red/white/green - all full of ribbons rolled up to be used in the future.  I plan to use them to make hair bows for my girls, kind of like the ones below.  I may have gone overboard, seeing as how this constitutes only ONE of the two bags I bought yesterday at hobby lobby...

I may end up needing to sell some of these because with that much ribbon I'll have WAY too many for personal use.

And I'd like to have more time to finish my degree.  And I'd like to have more time to spend with my kids (though I'm not really sacrificing that time right now - I work after they go to bed).

So I could complain about the pace and the workload but I secretly love it.  It makes mie more efficient and productive, not only at work but at home as well.  Once I get into that pace of being busy I tend to stay that way and I get a lot more done.  Plus, the projects I'm working on completely validate my contributions to the organization I work for not only because of the nature of the projects and amount of trust they place in mie with these things but also because people asked for MIE to work on it and because I know, even if no one else does, that I'm doing great things that wouldn't have been done without mie, at least not right now.  (Lest I fail to mention it, I'm not the only one working on these things).  These projects also could potentially lead mie to different more senior roles in the not-so-distant future.  And, I'm being considered for a different promotion as we speak.

I'm not confident that will turn out but it doesn't matter - the point is that God has heard my concern and responded, albeit with more work, so that I'm reminded He hears mie and that He cares about mie.  In the end, that's all that really matters.

Working Mama Wednesday - Austin & My Career

Yesterday I told you about how I left my husband and kids for 4 days for a business trip - something I haven't done in years.  When I left I was anxious and absolutely hated leaving my family.  I felt awful.

In the back of my mind I was excited about the trip and the potential this team could have to change the course of the organization I work for.  I can't talk too much about what we're working on, but it is big.  I've been with this organization for 10 years now and have a strong passion for where we're headed and the opportunity to forever change the course.  In my mind doing so will also give mie the opportunity to forever change the lives of people I work with.  Commerce will come and go - the important thing (to mie) is to positively influence the lives of people in the workforce with commerce as the common thread linking us together, giving mie the opportunity to speak positively into their lives and hopefully that in turn will inspire greater lives outside of work for all of us.

That's my idea anyway.

As we arrived in Austin I found myself busy helping my coworkers prep for dinner - a nice fajita-themed meal with grilled steak, chicken, and shrimp.  I lucked out - as my peers detailed and deveined the shrimp (ugh!) I took on the task of making a ginormous bowl of guacamole with fresh ingredients.  I think after 12 avocados I had the base for what turned out to be a wonderful  bowl of guac.  Later in the week when we went out to dinner at a Mexican restaurant some of my coworkers even asked the waiter if I could make the guac we'd ordered because it was that good.  (Honestly I thought it was just average...).  In any case, making the guac, helping to prepare the rest of the food, and doing the dishes that night really helped fulfill my need to be mommy since I wasn't with my kids.  

Of course - this view and weather in the 70s helped too.

The rest of the week really smacked mie in the face in terms of my career and where it is headed.  The honest truth is that I don't really think of my "career" often.  It pays the bills and gives mie an opportunity to do what I talked about earlier in motivating people, but I don't have specific career aspirations beyond having the most impact I can.  Now I find myself on a team of bright people hand-picked to make these projects happen.   They talk about the end result "making a dent in the universe".  I am proud to have had a hand in starting this movement and in being chosen to continue to work on the team to see it to completion.

And yet my insecurities have been stirred as a result of various aspects of this project.  I'm not a direct member of the team but a supporting member from another department.  My internal voice screams "you weren't REALLY chosen to be part of the team".  I'm the most tenured member of the team by 6 years.  My internal voice screams "you're old and outdated".  Some people said things like "so, you've only worked for (our organization)".  Most of the people on the team have only a year or two with the organization and have had a broad background making an impact in all sorts of other places.  Me?  I started working here two weeks after I graduated with my B.A., which I received when I was 20.  I'm 30, almost the youngest on the team (because someone beats me by a couple months), and yes, I've really only worked here.  Of course that doesn't count the 5 years I worked with a franchise pizza company in increasingly responsible positions, the time I spent with a large department store who asked mie to stay on to work for them in corporate positions, and the time I spent in real estate - when I was in high school.  It also doesn't count that I've been promoted 8 times in 10 years.  Nevertheless my insecurities are raging about how much "less" I am than the others.

No one said that or treated mie that way.  I do believe I'm highly respected where I am and have maintained my "up-to-date-ness" through external partnerships, writing opportunities, professional organizations, and of course through projects I've worked on through school.  And yet I find myself questioning my own value in the workplace.

It stems from 2010 when I went through a really hard time professionally.  After having always been recognized by people I worked with, teachers, adults when I was a kid, etc. for being bright, advanced, and a leader, through a variety of crappy circumstances found myself in a position of being broken and vulnerable.  (Need a refresher?  Check out the "1 Year Ago Today" series here.)  On top of everything going on in my personal life I had significant changes professionally that led mie to working with someone who was not at all supportive of mie and my career.  This person made it very clear that she did not respect mie at all and didn't believe I was a leader.  (this is not my internal voice - the exact words were "I have not seen any leadership behavior from you this year").  

I sat with my husband on Monday and cried.  I explained to him how broken I am regarding my confidence in my career.  Wouldn't you know I had my performance review on Tuesday with my boss and though it went well I cried in there too.  I have a good relationship with my boss and we started talking about my confidence.  He had no idea I felt the way I do - no one really does because on a daily basis I appear to be a very confident person.  So I cried (very mildly) as I explained to him how 2010 really impacted mie.

Sometimes this all feels permanent.  I wonder if I've peaked in my career already.  I wonder if I'll ever really know what 2010 was all about for my career and for mie as a person.  I wonder if I'll ever stop second guessing my perception on how valuable I am compared to what this individual said of mie, whether this person was right to say what was said or whether it was just a learning experience that I had to go through to make mie more refined.  I wonder if other people involved in hearing the things she said will ever know how many things were un-truths and how it has impacted mie.  I wonder if it really matters....

I pray that God will use mie.  I pray that God will show mie direction.  I just want to know His will for my life and if not the entire picture at least what the next right step is.  Should I stay?  Should I be satisfied where I am at this moment?  Should I sit back and rest or continue to drive forward?  

I don't know the answers yet.  The Austin trip made mie cry personally for not being with my kids but also drummed up some professional sentiments that made mie cry as well.  I'm hoping at some time in the near future I can write another Working Mama Wednesday post where I'm able to tell you where God has taken mie so far in this journey.  I know something's coming.  I'm just not sure what. 

Yet.