Thursday, December 31, 2009
I've struggled so much this year. Most of you know this. I know with what we've gone through this year most people say it's understandable, but for me it's against my nature. What I've gone through internally and the strong effect it's had on my everyday life has been horrendous.
Call it depression, call it confusion, call it exhaustion...call it whatever you like but it isn't my normal self.
I've struggled with the change in my life. I've desperately wanted something to go to some sort of normalcy...whatever that is. But nothing in my life has stayed the same. Everything has changed. Large changes. Lots of them. Which made every small blip on the radar nearly impossible to make it through. When I say I barely made it through the last couple months it's no joke. My health has suffered, my work has suffered, and I hope against hope that my family and friends haven't suffered too bad.
And again, most would say it's understandable when faced with what we've faced. But the thing is I'm usually REALLY over adaptable to change. So much though that I constantly seek it out. Constantly look for ways I can improve myself (and others...oops).
And so it's been extra-difficult for me, in my weirder 2009 state, to figure out what the heck has been wrong with me...why it's affected me so much. Why I couldn't cope like normal. Part of what has bothered me so much is that I couldn't figure out WHY God was letting me go through all this. I knew it was for good. I knew He was building me and possibly tearing me down first to rebuild the way he wanted. I knew, in the end, it would work out. Yet I struggled to be excited about it. Many times I could gather up the excitement that was temporary about a particular thing, but it would usually fade as some other obstacle would jump in my way.
But I've had an epiphany the other night after watching Hoarders and Intervention (I throw that in for kicks). God has been taking away all of my "rocks" so that I would be forced to lean on Him.
Literally everything in my life has faced great change this year...most of it occurred in the beginning of the year. And the reason why it affected me so much is that I was looking for my constant, my rock, my unchangeable, my stability, in everything HERE and as I leaned on something God took it away. I was running around this world this year like a crazy woman. No joke. I'm sure there was something clinical about it. Not kidding even remotely. I picture in my head running around a forest through quicksand and tall tall trees, trying desperately to find something stable and not being able to find it. That's how I've felt all year. and now that I get it, I can finally truly Thank God for it. I could thank Him before, but it was still with one eye open waiting for another shoe to drop and not quite understanding like I needed to.
Of course, I don't pretend to get it all. In fact, I know that I only know a part of what God has been teaching me and what he is continuing to mold me into. But what I do know, is that God intentionally took away (or allowed me to be relieved from) the stability of everything we usually count on...my husband, son, family, home, work, school, health, friends, church, everything. Until, a few days before the end of the year he revealed to me why. Only HE will remain constant. Only HE can be my reserve, my strength, my rock, my fortress, my shield, my comfort, my safety, my energy, my reason why, my all, my stability. Rather than looking from one "worldly" thing to another to find that stability (like my job, my family, my school, my home, etc.), as the chaos continues to surround me, and it will, I know that HE is what I need to run to. He will remain stable for me.
I know this isn't profound, in fact I "knew" this all along. But, He has used 2009 to teach this to me in a way that I KNOW it, from my head to my toe in everything I am.
So, good riddance to you, 2009. I'm happy to leave the events behind. But the lessons will never leave me and I enter 2010 on THE Solid Rock.
Thank you all for helping support me through this year and into the future!
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
So, in an attempt to get back into the swing of things, I thought I'd join the hip-new trend of posting blogger favs. Of course, I'll pretend it's a new thing...it's been going on about as long as the sun's rising/falling cycle, but hey.
- Pampered Chef Stoneware - What great chef/baker (that's me!...if I do say so myself) could be successful without this wonderful line. Last time I went to a party I counted at least 10 different pieces that I own. That doesn't count what I just bought my mom partly to bless her with the genious cooking ability that these provide but also to give me something better than her aluminum cookie sheets when I visit. I think my next piece will be a pie plate.
- http://www.starfall.com/ - My son loves it...it's a computer website with lots of learning activities for my son to do. Keeps him entertained while learning something new. It's not an every day activity, but certainly something I keep in my back pocket.
- This one is a two-for. No really, because if it's not one, it's got to be the other and together they've saved the relationship I have with my hair. When I was growing up, my hair sucked. It was frizy, thick, not quite straight, not quite curly, not quite wavy and I was a mess. If someone would have told me that it would be this way when I grew up, I probably would have walked around with much more pride in my developing hair because now I LOVE my hair, thanks in part to these two products by Garnier Fructis: First, when I'm feeling curly, there's Garnier Fructis Wonder Waves Wave-Enhancing Spray. All I have to do is have damp to slightly wet hair, spray (yes spray!) this stuff in, comb through with my fingers, and start my day. I get the perfectly smooth, defined curls without the crunchy effect. Second, when I'm wanting to go straight, there's Garnier Fructis Sleek & Shine Serum. Actually this link leads to the milk, which scares me a bit because I don't see the serum on here, but the description here is right on to what I currently use. Just a little bit of this silky but not greasy goodness is perfect to make my hair smooth when I use the hair drier. Perfect hair day everyday with one of these two products!
- White Chocoloate Reese's Peanut Butter Mini-Cups are the perfect little candy snack for those who don't like chocolate....chocolate haters unite!
- I wouldn't have survived the last two months trying to sell this house, especially the last two weeks with sick dogs without this wonderful carpet cleaner. Cleans great, easy to move around, doubles as a hard-surface cleaner, and the new design for the tank is great too. I've always had a Bissell and this new version doesn't disappoint.
- J bought me this crockpot cookbook for Christmas along with a 2qt crockpot to join my 4 and 8qt versions. WOOHOO. This thing is awesome. I made baked apples with ease on Christmas day with ingredients around the house and can't wait to have something hot cooking for me most days when I come home from work starting in January. And hot deserts with ease! So fun. On a side note...with all of the different recipes available in here for some of the same types of dishes, you really can find something to make without going to the store if you need to in a pinch.
- After sleeping in a tent on the floor last night with my son...I have to reiterate that the Tempur-pedic bed is one of the best things we have ever purchased. Mind you, we saved up for this one by using the twin mattresses my sister and I had when we were younger, pushed together, for almost 6 years before dropping the dough for this new mattress. We've had it for a year now and can't imagine life without it. Or we can, because we have plenty of memories and nights camping on the floor with our son.
- Any list of the things I can't live without wouldn't be complete without my newest med...Nuvigil. Actually Provigil was just fine and I think i liked it better, but this one is CHEAP!!! At least for me. The old was about $60 per month...this one is $10. That's with insurance. When I run out of my current supply (just stocked up!) I'll have to pay full price until deductible is met. Don't know what that will be for the new stuff, but with Provigil it was $400+. A month. Nevertheless I always meet my deductible within a couple months whether or not I go to the doctor. But for me, it's worth it for sure.
Alright. The son is totally bored despite the toys thrown around the room, the movie playing, the 3 cookies I've given him, and the various agmes I've given him to play while writing this. It seems I've maximized my time on the computer tonight...such is my life being my son's sole occupier of time when I'm home.
*Edited to say that I mistakenly noted Garnier Fructis Curl Defining Spray as my favorite. Actually, this is the new one I have that I HATE!!! My actual favorite is the wonder waves wave-enhancing spray...LOVE IT!