Saturday, July 23, 2011

Life is Crazy - But That's OK! (???)

I am continuously amazed at how my life is going.  You know, it's not as I planned it would be.  I'd be lying if I said I was neutral on the subject - rather the ambivolence is overwhelming.  Some things are much better than I thought they'd be.  Some experiences I certainly wouldn't have chosen and wouldn't have wished for anyone else. 

I have to stop and mention that my son Logie, remember that super cool 4 year old, used the word rather this week.  It made me smile...

6 Almost 8 months ago now I changed the name of my blog from "Life of Auntie Mie" to "Letting Go of Mie".  At that point I had been being pulled apart from the plans I'd had for my life for a couple years and it took that long for me to realize the theme.  My life is not mine.  I've given it up for use by the one who created mie.  I got the theme.  I frequently reference it by mentioning "my plans"...every time I start to talk about or write that down I kind of roll my eyes and chuckle and smile...I get it...even though I keep trying to live my life the way I think I want it to go there are bigger and better things planned for me.  Plans that I didn't make and sometimes those plans are in direct conflict with my plans.  Yet I still keep planning and guessing about what is going to happen next.  I keep trying to figure out God's plans, but really all I'm doing is trying to plan.

Maybe I really do belong in Strategic Planning.  Apparently it's engrained in mie.

Over the past few days there have been more developments in the saga of my life.  Normally I would fret and worry and try to figure it out so I could make a plan.  But this time it's been different.  I've given it up.  Really.  And in doing so I've found that peace that I know comes from God.  I'm not perfect, but I think I've learned a new lesson.

You know I've mentioned several times that I don't know what to hope for.  It's been a struggle in our infertility and then foster/adopt journey.  The situation we've faced with adoption is no different and I believe has magnified that struggle.  Take a generic adoption - what are you going to hope for?  Hope that the birth mother is able to raise the baby?  Hope that the baby comes to you?  Hope that it goes to another family who has been wanting to adopt?

What about my situation?  Should we hope to adopt?  Should we hope to not adopt?  Should we hope to have more biological kiddos and adopt and keep fostering?  What should we hope for? 

I get it.  All of those are the wrong things to hope for. 

Here's what I now hope for:
  • I hope that I can actively choose each day to rejoice in the everlasting life I've been given as a blessing.
  • I hope that God's will is done in my life and those of my family and friends and that He, in His infinite wisdom, will work all the details out.
  • I hope that every child that comes across my life, whether they are placed or not, whether they stay or not, whatever the situation - that they are put in the situation that will help them to know Christ and therefore the hope is that we can be supportive of the path that God has for each of them, whatever that is so that they too can receive the living water I've been blessed to receive.
Really...that's it.  Do I still wonder?  YES!  Do I still agonize?  YES!  Do I fear and get frustrated and get anxious and do the mood swing thing based on whether things are going my way or not?  YES!  Because I'm not perfect and if I've learned anything it's that as soon as I learn one lesson it's on to the next.  And I will be tested...that's what happens with learning right?  What's the point of learning if not to be applied?

But now I know where my hope lies.  I should have known before and intellectually I probably did, but not internally - I may have "known" but I didn't "get it"...there's a big difference. 

1 comment:

Mama P said...

Just like Paul...we do what we don't want to and we dont do what we do want struggle sometimes!

Thank goodness we are covered by grace!