Tuesday's Tears - Mie, the Trauma Survivor

I know I haven't finished the introductions.  You still need to meet (or be introduced to) my oldest two kids.  I'll get back there I promise but I needed to stop and be very real with you all before I continue on this journey.  I'm extremely nervous to do so and intend to share enough at this point for you to understand what's going on around here without adding any additional stress to the situation.

Meet the newest trauma survivor in our family:

Our pastor has been going through a fantastic sermon series this year about real life and it's issues.  In one of the first messages on depression he stated the two most challenging things (stressful, painful, depressing, etc.) were the loss of a significant loved one (spouse, parent, child, sibling) and the loss of a job.  I sat there sobbing, like most other days at church recently, knowing that I'd experienced both within a week.

Most people in my life are aware that I was unexpectedly laid-off on 1/13/16.  As the primary breadwinner (80%) for a family of 8 you can imagine how drastic an impact that has been for us in so many ways.  We're very grateful for the faithful friends and family who heard the news and jumped in with encouragement and support.  A bunch of colleagues have reached out to show their love for mie.  I can tell many of them are worried about mie and my family.  They show concern and compassion.  They express disbelief.  Only a handful know the full picture - that this major life-changing event came just 8 days after my world fell apart.

My world fell apart.  That is not an exaggerative statement.  I'm not yet at a place where I can talk about it all freely with a sense of peace that I'd like to have someday.  That day I sat in the middle of the shampoo/conditioner aisle at Walgreens staring at the various bottles for 45 minutes.  I walked into an upscale salon at 6:30pm bawling and begging to take a shower in their steam shower, I'd pay whatever it cost (bless them for hugging mie, walking mie back to the shower, and letting mie stay "as long as I wanted" for free).  I found "whatever" counselor was available to talk to mie at our church's counseling office in the middle of the afternoon so I could get enough wherewithal to make it home for my babies that night without allowing my trauma-induced overflow to spill all over my sweet kiddos. 

1/5/16.  I could have never prepared for that day even if I'd tried.  A normal day by all accounts, getting back into the swing of things after the holiday break.  While looking for a file of foster/adopt conference presentations I offer to send to a friend putting together a large event, I came across an email, the contents of which were completely unexpected.  And devastating.  And not even remotely close to the worst of what was to come. 

Ultimately, through the day and over the next several weeks I learned about the true state of my marriage.  What I thought was a normal, mostly-happy marriage was anything but and more precisely was an all-too-carefully created image of deceit.  I learned that our marriage was infested (yes, that's the right word) with infidelity.  I have still yet to have full disclosure (a formal process in the se*ual addiction recovery process) so I do not pretend to know the full truth of it all but with what I do know at this point I can confidently say this has been "here" since well before we were married.  I'm sure I'll get into this more over time but for now the point is that this is my reality and it's left mie broken (as expected).  I was also gifted with actual PTSD.

Recap - In the first few days of the new year I lost my marriage (as I knew it), my husband (as I knew him), my understanding of my family/faith/beliefs/knowledge, and my sanity (as I knew it).  Just over a week later I lost my job, 80% of my family's income, my health insurance (and access to mental health treatment and the awesome recovery treatment my husband needs), my place away from my kids for a bit each day, friends & support network, and the general feeling of security that someone might have after working for the same company very successfully for nearly 14 years.  I also lost my legal program which gave mie easy access to some of the best attorneys in our area, most of whom I know well and could have called within minutes had I wanted to.  Losing my job also meant an ungodly amount of paperwork and legwork necessary to just keep things afloat like getting daily-required medication in the first couple weeks of a new year for my 3 special needs kids who needed a new primary insurance with secondary foster-care medicaid while I had very little coping skills and surety about my life.  And PTSD.  Just as an example.

Within a matter of days my entire life changed.  I am now a SAHM trying to figure out what the flip is next on 20% of the income we used to live on with my preschoolers going to school part-time.  Where I had a sense of control and really succeeding in life, being on the "right track", having a safe and secure family and marriage with a pretty awesome career, I now have just enough for today.  I'm in a bit of a desert, like Moses and the Israelites.  I have no idea what's coming.  I have no idea where my marriage will go.  I have no idea where my career will go.  I don't know what our financial situation will turn into.  I just don't know.

To add to the fun our second car has completely died.  We're now living as a family of 8 with daily therapy, 3 schools, activities, multiple special-needs dr appointments, with one car.  Then the microwave caught fire because, you know...they do that.

Let me not leave this post without sharing the ray of hope.  God had been preparing mie for change for a while.  I didn't expect this, but I knew something was coming so that alone has shown that God is here.  And He is.  He's provided for us in ways I keep learning every day and I'll struggle for the rest of my life to adequately describe.  My husband is in therapy.  I am too.  No promises, but I'm committed to walk the path toward wholeness and reconciliation, learning to trust God like no other time in my entire life.  I've been surrounded by just what I need from friends and family.  The church we moved to in the last year is unbelievably equipped to support our family in ways we wouldn't have even known to look for when we were called to move about a year ago.  God has given mie a new vision for my career (it's really, really fuzzy right now, but there...).  If nothing else right now I know that God is here, that He will never leave mie, that He loves mie.  He is my advocate and my defender.  I can rest in Him despite what seems to be unbelievable chaos around mie.

And that's exactly what I'm doing.

Working Mama Wednesday - Pondering Advice

About a week ago I sat at the Cooper Clinic in Dallas doing my annual physical.  If you ever have a chance to do a comprehensive physical, especially at the Cooper Clinic - take it.  I receive 1 per year as a benefit at work and I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.  I get to see the dermatologist, get a full lab work-up, a treadmill stress test for my heart, a visit with the nutritionist, a full vision & hearing test, and finally a comprehensive examination by a great doctor.  When I say comprehensive I mean really - this guy spends about 2 hours with me during my visit.  I'd also get a few other benefits if I were older...bone density scans and mammograms and such.  It's such a treat.  It's such a different experience than the typical quick-in, quick-out doctor visit you have in the normal course of your visit.  You feel as if your doctor really is interested in what you have to say and what is going on in your life.

This is the 2nd year I was able to take advantage of this benefit and I was impressed at how well the doctor was able to make it seem as if he remembered me and my history.  He knew my kids and husband by name (of course, from notes in my file I'm sure) and was quick to point out that things had changed since last year. 

He did so by saying "Where did all these kids come from?"

Apparently last year we didn't talk about our status as a foster family.  I was in between placements when I saw him last year and I guess it never came up (seriously...how it didn't is beyond me).  We made small talk about fostering for a little bit and then he got down to it...the lecture.

I heard about someone in his life that had a really large family (more than a dozen kids), more than half of whom were adopted (vs. biological), a set of biological children that were bitter and rebeling against the whole foster-to-adopt experience because of lack of resources and parental time and feeling left out and etc., etc., etc.  There was institutionalization due to some of the horrific things that happen in foster care/adoption (and "regular" families too, by the way).  There was drug abuse/addiction.  I even heard about the tatoos.  I heard about how there wasn't enough money to send their children to college and about what a saint the dad was and about how the parents now wish (maybe) they hadn't adopted but instead fostered without adopting.

His point was that I really needed to pay attention to my "own" (what I'd rather call "core" family), especially as someone with a busy career and a husband who needs me, making sure I don't bite off more than I can chew.  When I came back after the fact he made sure to tell me if I'm going to live this life I need to make sure I take better care of myself (eating/excersizing habits) so I can endure.

I sat there listening to him not sure how to react.  Everything in mie wanted to rebut everything he was saying:

• I don't have (more than a dozen) kids.  I have 6.
• The state I live in (vs. the person he was talking about) only allows us to have 6 kids in my home without additional licensing processes that we have no desire to go through at this time.  6 is our max.
• God will provide. Part of that provision is college to those adopted from foster care.  With that said 5 of my 6 kids will have college paid for - we'd have to come up with funding for 1 child.  ONE - and that's assuming college is mandatory or something.  Now, I fully support education and don't want my Ph.D. revoked but that is not THE most important thing in the world - nor is being able to setup a trust fund so my kids can go to school without working some.  Those might be goals but it isn't what drive me (and yes, I have told my kids they are going to college). 
• God will provide, and has.  Resources are not unlimited but we have plenty of space and funds.  Time and energy are not always in abundance but God provides.  Always.
• We've BTDT with "dangerous" kids.  I will do everything in my power to keep all of my kids safe but I refuse to live my life in a complete bubble so we're always happy and healthy and risk-free.  We put boundaries in place, try to remain vigilant, and pray.
• ...and last but not least:

So what do we do then?  Nothing?  We sit by with our more than enough and huddle as a core family and never let anyone in and never risk being hurt and just take care of ourselves and forget everyone else?  Save our money and go on nice vacations and wear nice clothes and eat out at nice meals where people don't look like we're as crazy as the kids are acting at our table? We do all this while there are children around us that do not have a family to keep them safe?  So what, at the end of our life we can sit on the porch in some lakehouse or beachhouse somewhere by ourselves counting our money recounting all of those times we were safe together in our easy little life?  So that we can die with a lot and meet God and tell him what?  That we buried our treasure to keep it safe?

I think we know what His answer is to that...

And yet I said none of that.  Instead I sat there pondering the wisdom I could gleam from his lecture.  He is a believer and I know does have some knowledge and wisdom to share.  If God partnered us up, surely there was something God wanted me to hear from what the good ol' doc had to say.  Here's what I came up with, much of which I already knew but it was a decent reminder:

• Keep your first things first.  He said my marriage is my primary relationship - not knowing my faith I know why he would say this and would agree if you're not counting my relationship with God, but of course I count that relationship and intellectually put it first.
• Make sure my relationships know where they stand.  Intellectually I know to put God first but do I?  My husband is my second priority but does he always know that?  Does he take priority over my children? Do I actively appreciate him enough?  How can I bless him more?
• Make sure my forever children know how special they are.  I don't mean this in that they are more important than fosters or that my bio is more important than my adopted.  One thing I like about foster care is it helps my children see they are not the center of the universe.  BUT, I do believe my kids need to know that they are enough, that they were fearfully and wonderfully made, and that they are worth fighting for too.  Because of the situations we find ourselves in as foster parents we often end up "fighting" for our foster children by advocating for them in the system with CASA and CPS workers and lawyers and the court.  Our family sees this "fight".  I can see how that can end up sucking our time and energy dry and leading to us taking our "easy" children for granted.  I want my forever kids to know that they matter to us and to God as much as the other children.  I want them to know they are loved for who they are and who they were created to be.  I never want any of them to feel unloved or forgotten.
• Prayerfully consider every step.  Make sure no matter what we do we are trying to stay aligned with the will of God for each of our lives, not just having a sappy heart. 
• Take care of myself.  This one is complicated in that I don't believe in the whole "putting myself first" thing.  I'm not first.  I'm not meant to be first.  I am here to serve.  With that in mind I do need to take care of the temple I've been given, not becoming obsessed about my health or my looks but more importantly making sure my body has the energy from the right kinds of food and the appropriate rest it needs to continue to "do the good works laid out before me".  I do need to make healthier food choices and book regular time for exercising into my schedule.  I also need to go to the doc to follow-up on my narcolepsy (found out I was allergic to my meds in 2011 and haven't gone back) and to get my eyes fixed (per my vision screening I have a rare-ish eye condition).  

We all deal with advice from others.  Have you had a situation like mine?  How did you handle it? 

Quick Updates - Quickness is Necessary

Dear Friends - I'm busy.  Super busy.  I mean, a full-time working mom to 3 (or 6) children is busy.  But right now I'm more busy than usual and behind.  I'm simultaneously trying to catch up at work (and keep afloat at the same time), work on a special project, write a chapter in a book about foster care, celebrate kindergarten graduation, correct really bad 3 year old behavior through attachment-related and therapeutic parenting and extra time at school and extra prayer and tears, and finally say goodbye to friends who are leaving out-of-state.  OH YEAH, and go through the process to actually bring the children we've been waiting 5 months for into our home.  It's been busy.

*Logan had his graduation today.  Fun times.  He still has to actually finish school (weird) but graduation was fun and we were able to make a day of it.

*Summer is about to get kicked out of preschool for her behavior.  She's done GREAT this week though, which is encouraging after we've been working SO hard at reversing the trend she's been on but we really need a miracle here. 

*We ARE moving forward with bringing the kids to our home.  We had a couple visits last week with just the hubby, myself, and the 3 new kids to start the process.  Then this weekend we had them all weekend.  It was wonderful.  Much better than either of us could have planned.  We do plan to have them move in with us very soon and we look forward to the day when they start graduating from the child seats because it takes 8 minutes to buckle the 6 children, all of whom are in car seats, into the car not to mention getting them all (and their stuff) out there.  Amen.

*Today I took my forever kids to the water park to celebrate Logan's graduation.  Except, they closed 5 minutes after we got there for a private event.  I wasn't nice to the person at the gate.  Lord forgive me.  So, because I have a ton of time on my hands and I couldn't bare to let the kiddos down and it was perhaps the last time I might get a chance to go with just the two of them, I drove to the next closest water park 40 miles away (and got lost several times to add to the time).  We had fun.  Then I drove another 90 minutes home (accounting for a dinner stop and gas and such).  Summer peed in her car seat and spilt an entire bottle of juice in the one next to her.  We have 3 car seat (covers) in the washing machine right now.

*We booked our trip to Sea World this year.  For a family of 8 for a 5 day vacation we are paying $1100.  That is $27 per person, per day if you were counting, including entry to the park (for every day, if we wanted), hotel, and most everything else.  Best of all - if for some reason the kids don't come live with us, we're not out any money (though our hotel room will be bigger than necesary, I suppose).  Of course that would bring our average to $44 per person per day.  Yes, we'd be happy to have a family vacation for 8 to Sea World.  You judge if we're crazy or not.  You're going to anyway.

*I've received several inquiries over the last two weeks for new readers who would like me to contact them.  Welcome new readers!  I DO want to contact you.  I'm going to as soon as I possibly can.  I'm not trying to ignore you and you are important to me.  Hang in there.  I'll do my best, really.

I'm also not pregnant, in case you were wondering.  So there you have it.

Working Mama Wednesday - Career Choice Impact of Foster Care

Recently I received a few calls about new positions to consider.  This isn't all that unusual.  I'm fortunate to get calls fairly frequently from recruiters looking to steal me away (or offer me a better opportunity).  Some positions I've considered but many I've almost immediately rejected.

Why?  Foster care, primarily.  There are two impeding factors that make me averse to considering a new position because they don't go well with our lives as foster parents.

First - Relocation.  Anytime relocation is required (about 50% of the calls I receive) I usually don't give it more than a passing thought.  Moving out of the area would require transferring my license and, depending on the situation we're in at the time, not taking our foster kids with us.  That means we'd have to make the kids move to another home or wait until they leave on their own (or are adopted) and that process is so uncertain most companies wouldn't want to wait.  Interestingly, the most recent call I received said they would wait, up to a year, if I'd commit to moving after that year was up.  Moving out of state would require a complete change in our foster care situation - since we're licensed through the state we'd have to completely close and start from scratch in a new state.  Not sure we want to do that either and the factor with the kids would still be in play.  Of course, relocating with our core family would be enough of a consideration to make us stay - not sure I want to uproot them from everything they've always known.

Second - Work requirements.  50-75% travel?  Will. not. work.  Not at this point in our lives.  Not only is it crazy enough to manage 5 kids (or so) with my hubby and I working different schedules but add to that the repeated trauma of mommy leaving for a week or two at a time?  I don't think so.  Not right now.  (Plus, I have a big desire to be home with my kids and actively parent them).  On top of that, I've really been blessed to be in a good place where my crazy family schedule is tolerated with my current job.  Yesterday I worked from home so I could manage a doctor visit and FAD worker visit during the day.  Today I got to work an hour later than I would have liked to because of the crazy of our morning routine topped off by my son spilling his cup of cereal on his pants in the car in the oh-so-unfortunate spot looking like he had an accident.  (Of course I was working last night until 11pm so it all evens out).  Losing that freedom right now in my life is a bit frightening.

I've always said my family comes before my work and it does.  But with this latest round of "would you consider...", I was really convicted about my plans vs. God's plans.  I constantly lecture everyone in my head if not more vocally about how they COULD do something if they wanted to and how letting God choose their course involves being open to what God wants, no matter what that looks like or how it impacts my life.  Bottom line, I have to be willing to move or travel or work somewhere else or not work if that is what God is calling mie to do and how on earth would I be willing to if I shut down the consideration before even listening to the recruiter, let alone the Holy Spirit.  

Now I find myself being challenged to open up my world of possibilities of what God's plan could be instead of putting Him, once again, in the box I've created to support my own plan for my life.  What if He asked us to move?  We've done it before and it was wildly successful.  What if He asked us to change companies and with that brought more of a 7:45-5:15 kind of schedule?  

I need to be open to being obedient...that's the best place I can be.

Of course I still hope that place is physically at my current home :) Just like I'd hoped not to be infertile...

Working Mama Wednesday - A Little Mie Time

First - Can I tell you all that I love you?  I do.  When I do blog regularly and I see your comments and browse through the stats on how my blog has grown and touches people daily I'm so honored and humbled. And proud.  Can you be humbled and proud at the same time?  Hmmmm...

Second - If you're wondering what happened with baby baby's case, so am I.  I haven't heard from the caseworker yet and it's now the day after.  I'm trying to take that as good news.  At the very least the judge didn't order immediate return of baby baby to his parents.  I suppose he could have ruled immediate return for the siblings and not the baby, but I don't see that likely either.  I also suppose he could have ruled that the siblings return to a family member immediately, but not baby baby and therefore I wouldn't have heard about that.  He could have ruled all four stay in care.  He could have postponed his ruling for all I know.  What I do know is that baby baby did not leave yesterday as we'd tried to prepare our hearts for.  Just in case.  I will forever remember the personal, quiet moment Logan spent with the baby before he left to school when I told him to say goodbye, just in case.  It was extremely sweet.  He had a bad behavior day at school.  Coincidence?

Third - We did get a call from a caseworker yesterday.  The kids who were supposed to go home at their 14 day hearing, 6 weeks ago, are leaving tomorrow.  We are happy to finally have a date for many reasons.  I know this sounds harsh and generally they are good kids but given the case details and the fact that they were supposed to have been going home "any day" for 6 weeks - this is a bit of relief for everyone to move forward instead of held hostage by the system.

OK - back to Mie time.

A couple weeks ago I had to travel to Las Vegas for a week for work.  It was a logistical nightmare.  I had a 5 week old baby who had never spent the night with anyone other than mie (even my hubby) and who wasn't old enough to go to daycare.  My two backup childcare providers were unavailable.  The private nanny we'd been using was costing $100 per day AND wasn't available.  My hubby generally works off-hours, which meant we would have needed overnight babysitters and a private nanny.

I would have rather stayed home than leave my family for a week (though I did look forward to sleeping through the night for once).  Truth be told, I was a bit nervous about leaving my hubby with 5 kids 6 and under for 5 days straight - no breaks and no housekeeper to take care of all the things that magically get done around the house.  And an infant, 24 hours a day, for 5 days.  That would have been enough to overwhelm any man.

I was alone most of the first day and night.  I found myself walking the strip alone, buying souvenirs for my kids, and feeling incredibly lonely.  I had about 2 hours worth of freedom from being mommy and wife and then had no idea what to do with myself.  I considered a visit to the spa.  I ended up eating dinner alone in my room and sorting personalized M&Ms into 4 different containers for the kids while watching an Intervention marathon.  I just wanted to go home.

Work activity picked up on Tuesday and so my loneliness was at least distracted.  And then the fun started.

My mom was able to drive out to join mie Tuesday afternoon so we hit the town.  We had a dinner out on the strip.  We walked the strip.  I stopped someone from pick-pocketing a man.  I think I saw pure evil in that girl's eyes and am almost certain there was some spiritual warfare going on as we exchanged glances.  We walked the strip some more and visited a few hotels.  We chatted and had fun.  After we arrived in the hotel room at about 8:30, I tried to quickly purchase tickets to see David Copperfield to surprise my mom.  We ended up with front row seats and had a really fun time.  It was definitely worth it.  Then it was back to work Wednesday and said goodbye to mom.

I came back to my room to a beautiful bouquet of flowers sent by my hubby.  The note said "can't wait until you're home", which was as romantic as it was a cry of desperation.  I took a nap.  A glorious nap.

After dinner I decided I was going to hit the casino floor.  I'm not much of a gambler.  I've been to Vegas plenty of times but have only gambled once.  It was blackjack at a $2.  I put down $20 and left with $40 but that was so extravagant of mie at the time.  I just don't care for gambling.  Nevertheless I didn't want to be alone and had heard some of the stories about what went on while I was out with my mom so I decided to walk around and see what everyone else (I worked with) was doing.

I ended up sitting at a blackjack table nervously dropping the $100 bill my mom gave mie to pay for her ticket to the show the night before.  That is crazy for mie, Y'all.  But I did it amidst my coworkers who easily had 3, 4, and 5 times that on the table.  I ended up playing for 5 1/2 hours and pocketed about $500. Crazy huh?

You see growing up my parents didn't go out without us much but occasionally we'd go to Vegas or Laughlin as a family.  Very rarely they would go alone. We once ended up in Laughlin for 4 days with no money.  We will never forget that story.  I digress...  My mom would play slots and my dad would play blackjack.  Back at home my dad would play blackjack on that first computer we got around 1992.  

At some point he started teaching us how to play.  He taught us the dealer rules and "what the book said" about all the different scenarios on the table.  I thoroughly enjoyed the game.  It was challenging and fun.  Of course then we didn't gamble so I learned how to play really well without getting hooked on betting.  It was just a fun game.  And so it goes in Vegas - I figure playing blackjack at a table with friends having a ton of laughs and getting to know them better while playing a game I enjoy and am comfortable with seemed like a good way to enjoy some recreation.  Apparently, it also worked out that because I'm not hooked on gambling AND I knew how to play (and, quite possibly because I don't drink), I ended up winning too.

So. Much.  Fun.

By Thursday morning my reputation for winning and being fun to play with had spread.

So Thursday night I did it again.  I had SO many laughs.  I bonded with some coworkers.  I had fun playing. I enjoyed socializing as an adult without having to worry which kid was doing that crazy thing kids do.  And, I doubled my money again.

By the time I came home my superhero hubby was ready for a break. My hubby deserves superstar credit for being a great dad and hubby while I was away!  I "let" him play video games that night with his friends.  I immediately turned over my entire winnings.  I didn't and still don't care about the money itself but it was a blessing to him and certainly was an extension of gratitude for what he did in giving mie that trip.  I worked.  I only had one night of the 4 where I got good rest.  But, I had some time to just have fun without worrying about all of my responsibilities I have back at home. The break left mie strangely rested and energized for my real-life.  I will forever be grateful for that time away.

100 Best Adoption-Friendly Workplaces: 2012

Are you looking into adoption benefits?  Looking for an employer with superior benefits?  Check out the brand new list of the 2012 100 Best Adoption-Friendly Workplaces published by the Dave Thomas Foundation For Adoption.  This is a great tool for really digging into some of the employers out there that really go above and beyond to make adoption more possible for their employees.

In honor of this new publication, the President and CEO of the Dave Thomas Foundation For Adoption, Rita Soronen, kindly offered to answer a few questions about adoption and foster-to-adopt benefits for mie.

Mie: What can average employees do to impact the adoption benefits their employer offers?
Rita Soronen: This is a great question. Simply asking for the inclusion of adoption benefits is the first step. Many employers do not know that they can offer this to their employees. And then make the case for these benefits – they are cost-effective, build employee loyalty, and enhance a company’s image of being family-friendly. Offering benefits to families who are formed through adoption or through birth is the right thing to do. We make it easy by providing the templates, toolkits and information for employees and employers.

Mie: As an adoptive or prospective adoptive parent, where could I go to get more information about benefits available to my family?
Rita Soronen: There are many excellent resources for families to get information about adoption benefits. The variety of resources continues to grow and includes workplace benefits, adoption tax credits, adoption subsidies (for children adopted from foster care), education assistance for adopted youth, adoption assistance from private organizations, and benefits for military families who want to adopt. The following is a selected list of contacts, but the Foundation can help with additional resources:

• Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption (workplace benefits) www.davethomasfoundationforadoption.org
• North American Council on Adoptable Children (subsidies) www.nacac.org
• Internal Revenue Service (adoption tax credit) www.irs.gov/taxtopics/tc607.html
• Military adoption assistancehttp://myarmybenefits.us.army.mil/Home/Benefit_Library/Federal_Benefits_Page/Adoption_Assistance.html
• Education assistance for adopted youth (scholarships, vouchers and waivers)www.childwelfare.gov/adoption/adopt_people/assistance.cfm
• Individual adoption assistance (helping with the costs of adoption) www.childwelfare.gov/adoption/adoptive/funding.cfm

Mie: There are several common benefits (medicaid, fee reimbursement, etc.) - what are some of the lesser known benefits?
Rita Soronen: Some of the benefits listed above – the adoption tax credit, education assistance and individual assistance are not as well known. Of course, every adoption is different and the family needs vary, so the best any parent can do is learn as much as possible. We can help connect individuals to the national resources available.

Mie: In your experience, what are the biggest obstacles people claim prevent them from adopting (from foster care)?
Rita Soronen: There are some key misperceptions that may cause individuals to either stop or not engage in the foster care adoption process. First, we know that there is a perception that it is simply too expensive to adopt. Although other forms of adoption (domestic infant or inter-country adoption) can cost tens of thousands of dollars, to adopt from foster care costs little to nothing. Second, there is a misconception that once a child is adopted, a birth family may file further legal action to regain custody oftheir child. In the child welfare system, once a child has been permanently freed for adoption, all legal paths are closed to the birth parents; the adoption is final and the child is a member of the adoptive family. And finally, there are so many misperceptions that surround the children waiting to be adopted – that they are too old for new families, that they are “unadoptable” or not able to fit into families. Nothing could be further from the truth. These children have grief and loss issues, and many may have trust or attachment challenges, but every child waiting to be adopted deserves a safe, nurturing and permanent home and the opportunity to grow and thrive in the 
birthright of every child – a family.   


As we began the adoption process we had great friends who were able to help explain some of the basic adoption benefits available when adopting through foster care.  I've found that unless you have some close friends or even more so unless you actually go through the process it is hard to really get a good understanding of the benefits available to you as an adoptive or foster-to-adopt parent.

Workplace benefits has become an extremely important topic to mie since prospective adoption became very real with our 4th placement (Summer) and the drama surrounding her brother's subsequent adoption.  We went from adopting a fully-supported sibling group to adopting a single, unsupported child, then back-and-forth between two unsupported children and a myriad of combinations in-between.  Though we entered the adoption process thinking our expenses would be largely covered, we were suddenly in the position of figuring out how to pay for one or possibly two adoptions that we weren't planning to pay for.  In the end, I found my company offered some minimal but appreciated adoption benefits and my husband's didn't appear to offer any, at all.  I also began researching possible benefits out there and found that many companies to a GREAT job! As an adoptive mom and leader in the HR-ish field, the meaning of adoption-friendly intrigues mie.

I applaud these employers and the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption for their work in supporting adoption-friendly workplaces.  Personally, anything I can do to support all of these organizations is worth it to mie as together we support finding every child a permanent, loving home and family.

On behalf of Letting Go of Mie, I want to sincerely thank Rita Soronen and her team at the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption for not only doing all the work to put this together but for giving mie the opportunity to share their message here on my blog.

Rita Soronen
President & CEO
The Dave Thomas Foundation
for Adoption

The Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption is a national nonprofit public charity dedicated to dramatically increasing the adoptions of the more than 134,000 children waiting in North America’s foster care systems. Created by Wendy’s® founder Dave Thomas who was adopted, the Foundation implements evidence-based, results-driven national signature programs, foster care adoption awareness initiatives and research-based advocacy efforts. To learn more, visit davethomasfoundation.org, or call 1-800-ASK-DTFA.

Working Mama Wednesday - Why I'm Grateful I Worked Through College

If I haven't already said, I worked full-time while in college.  After getting about 5 hours of sleep last night I found myself thinking about it on the drive to work this morning.  I graduated with my Bachelor's degree 3 years after I graduated from high school - at least a year earlier than most of my classmates.  Since I was usually a year younger than most people in my grade that means I ended up graduating from college when I was 20.  It was a lot of work.

I am SO grateful that's the way it went down.  There are obvious reasons:

• I graduated & entered the job market when I was 20.
• I paid for 1 less year of college.
• When I did graduate I had enough practical work experience to land me a job that led to my current career AND paid really well for a new-college-grad starting salary (and, frankly, for most anyone's salary).  I mean - I was able to buy a house when I was 20 with my own money.

These are great reasons to have worked, full-time, through college but honestly they are not what I'm most grateful for now.  You see, working full-time through college taught mie SO much about life.  Looking back I suppose I didn't have to work full-time.  I went to a private university and my parents paid my tuition for the first 2 1/2 years (I paid the final semester).  They paid for mie to live in the dorms the first year and I lived at home the other two years.  I suppose I could have worked part time and made enough to get by.  I bought a new car in the beginning of my 2nd year of school and I suppose I could have not done that.  I could have taken out loans and lived on campus without a car.  I could have sold my car and bought another one that was more reliable but still used rather than buying a new one and lived at home.  I had enough of a safety net to fall back on at home and allow mie to take it a bit easier.  There was nothing requiring mie to do it all in 3 years.  

Except there was.  My parents instilled in mie a sense of personal responsibility.  Though I didn't have to and my parents didn't necessarily encourage it, I started working at 15 to help pay for my own things (including my first car and car insurance + a bit of spending money).  I wanted to help pay my own way - I didn't want to freeload on my parents forever.  (Not that living with your parents at 15 is freeloading). 

So when I turned 18 and had the chance to begin working full-time I took the chance.  I moved back in with my parents so I'd be closer to work a block away vs. 20 minutes from school.  I arranged my schedule so I had all of my classes on Tues & Thursday meaning I had to make the drive to school on those days and I worked during the day on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday and then either on Sunday or Thursday nights.  This allowed mie to go to church on Sunday mornings and maybe Sunday or Thursday night college group events (where my husband and I really started dating) but the rest of the time I was working, in class, or doing homework.  Literally, that's all I did.  

But in that I learned extremely valuable life lessons that come in really helpful today in the real world as a mom or a wife:

• Pay now/play later or play now/pay later - it's your choice.  You will have to pay one way or the other.  While friends, classmates, and coworkers were out partying or doing whatever they did, I was working either on school or at work.  But now I see where there lives are - many are struggling to get by, still wondering when they're going to catch their big breaks.  Many are struggling to pay basic bills in low-paying jobs because they don't have the skills (or discipline) to do much more.  Obviously this is not everyone's story and many of them have had things face them that were out of control but the point is that you will either pay now with lots of work or later with lots of work.  This life was not meant to be easy.
• I can do a lot more than most people think they can (but only for a time).  The ONLY reason I graduated in 3 years was because I felt I needed to with working full-time.  I didn't want to keep up that pace for a 4th year.  I came into college with a semester's credits behind mie due to AP classes/tests so after my 2nd year I realized I could take a heavy load including the summers and was able to finish a year early.  It took mega planning.  It took a lot of work.  I remember sitting for a week's vacation with my husband (then boyfriend) and his family doing nothing but writing papers.  Occasionally I took a break to take a sunset walk on the beach or eat a meal but for the most part I was taking care of a college class - actually 2 6 week summer classes in the course of a week.  
• It's no one else's job to take care of my family.  Yes, there may come a time (and has) where we've needed brief support - like family or friends baby sitting my kiddos while I work hard on a paper.  Though we all need help from time to time I realize it is not everyone else's responsibility to pay my way or do my work.  It is my husband and my responsibility to provide for our family.  It is our responsibility to clean the house and do laundry.  To pay bills.  To teach our kids.  To cook dinner.  etc., etc.  So, when I do need to ask someone to help I do so humbly and respectfully, knowing they are providing a huge benefit to our family in helping not because it is their obligation but because they are gracious people who deserve my respect and appreciation.

So yes, I worked really hard in my late teens and early 20s and it has paid off financially.  I'm grateful for that but it's the practical lessons I learned from those experiences that really has given mie a leg-up on life.  

As I now sit facing 30-45 more days before I defend my dissertation, knowing it is not yet finished and therefore I need to work really hard daily on it, even though I have a more than full-time job and 3 kids, a husband, and a home to care for, I'm benefiting greatly from these lessons:

a) Pay now - Every day I have to make the conscious decision to work, work, work.  30-45 more days and I can play and celebrate and will truly be done with school, finally (with the exception of formalities).  This means I have to forgo watching my favorite shows that distract mie.  I can't sit at night after the kids go to bed and do my crafts or work on house projects that I want to complete or take a nice bubble bath.  If I work really hard now I can get this piece behind mie and I know the reward of being done instead of having this hang over my head will be worth it.

b) Do a lot more (but only for a time).  Until I'm finished writing & editing my dissertation I will likely be up until midnight or 1 every night getting it done, that's after a 10-12 hour work day and 3-6 hours total with the kids each day, and 1-2 hours of housework.  I'll be getting 4-5 hours of sleep a night.  I won't be able to get everything done and the upstairs playroom might not get cleaned for a while.  I know that I can do this.  I keep telling myself (literally) that I can do anything for 30 days.  I know I can.  And to that end its because I know the reward of being done will be worth it.

c) It's no one else's job.  Though I can leave some things undone for a while (like finishing painting the guest room or cleaning the carpets in my bedroom), I can't just let things go completely.  In the end my relationship and health of my kids and with my husband are much more important than finishing my degree - I have to spend at least some intentional time daily nurturing them.  I can't just not do laundry.  I can't not clean the kitchen.  It needs to be done.  However, it doesn't need to be done as meticulously as I would if I had nothing else to do.  And, it doesn't HAVE to be done by mie.  I can reach out humbly and ask for help.  I can ask my husband to pitch in to help in areas where I usually do something but could use his help.  Not only does it get things done that I couldn't do myself, it gives mie a chance to communicate my needs to others and build that part of our relationship better.  It also gives mie a chance to show sincere appreciation to those in my life who are willing to step in and help. It's made mie pay conscious attention to the things that need done, can be put off, and can be done by others.  It's made mie pay conscious attention to how I treat those I love in my life and how I'm showing them gratitude.

Basically, I'm more efficient with life.  I'm less-selfish.  I'm getting more important things done and forgetting about things that are more frivolous (like So You Think You Can Dance and cleaning the toilets - hehe - really my toilets are clean).  I'm learning I can make mistakes and ask for forgiveness when I do.  I'm actively prioritizing things and people in my life in the right order (see the previous mistakes sentence).  

If you're a parent of young kids like mie and wonder what will happen when your kids go to school and how you'll pay for it all and wanting to help them not work - just remember that working isn't all that bad necessarily.  Balancing some level of work with other things in life teaches our children responsibility that will truly benefit them as adults.  Though I won't be forcing my children to work full-time through school if they don't have to, I will be trying to make sure they are contributing to their financial situation if for no other reason than to learn self-responsibility and accountability for their actions, priorities, and behaviors. 

Thankful Thursday - Signs of Love

Sometimes I sit at work and find myself really missing my kiddos.  I wish I could just turn around and give them a big hug and tell them I love them.  I know that most of the time they are not thinking of mie, that they're having fun with their friends and they love doing that, and they are looking forward to seeing mie when I come to get them, but I still for a moment feel guilty that I can't really just turn around and scoop them up.

This was especially hard when I first came back to work after having my son.  I HATED leaving him.  My department director at the time was a fellow mom and must of known what it would be like to come back to work.  On my first day back after 13 weeks off with my son she had posted this poster on the glass doors outside the elevators, no doubt I'd see it, and then a giant one in my office hanging on the window blinds:

Logan - 14 days old.  Notice the extra sticky my husband left for mie one day - it says "Your a good mom and wife

 This picture now hangs just to the right of my computer monitor so I can easily see it and I've cherished it for nearly 6 years though I will say I'm not sure it helped to see his picture on the door as soon as I walked in :)  This little boy now looks like this:

A few weeks ago my son was here helping mie move into a new cube after his Kindergarten graduation.  A few times he found things he liked and pocketed them (like a calculator and some trinkets I had).  A few other times he found "neat" things like post-its that he became distracted by for a few moments.  After a while I had these things spread throughout my office:

Mom "Roks"

This one is a 2-Pager.  It's decorated with ripped pages and stapled together. (I love you soo soo much)

I have several other trinkets and pictures that remind mie of my family spread throughout my office space.  Additionally, I have several small post-its like the one in Logan's baby picture above where my husband has left cute reminder notes for mie to let me know he loves mie.  Like father like son.

These things make mie smile everyday and though they'll never replace having my children with mie, it is nice to see them, pause for a moment to remember the important things in life, breath-out a stress-relieving sigh, and get back to work so I can get home to my family as quickly as possible.

Working Mama Wednesday = Thankful Thursday

Tuesday I promised to post a Working Mama Wednesday piece about changes at work.  However, this change happens to be super cool and definitely worthy of a Thankful Thursday spot, so I’ll pretend that I intentionally held off until Wednesday.  I most certainly did not forget to get this blog out on time on Wednesday.  Nope.  That wasn’t mie.

You all know I’ve been whining about my job situation. I say whining because frankly I have a really good job that affords our family with lots of possibilities including flexible schedule and a very large paycheck but I haven’t been content where I’m at.  Frankly I’ve felt overpaid and underworked in this role and that’s not something I’m comfortable with, not to mention my feelings toward project management in general (which is what I’ve been doing for the past year).  It was a good move at the time due to some really bad circumstances in my previous role and I love the people I work with – I just felt underutilized.  If I’m honest, I also felt a bit bitter about the circumstances in my last role which continue to be proven less and less “my fault”, though I do take ownership for my pieces.  In the last year I’ve had 5-10 significant role changes/promotions fall through and it was beginning to be pretty frustrating.  I didn’t understand what God was doing but I knew I just needed to press forward, work on contentment in my role, and continue to serve in this role to my best capacity.  

Two weeks ago I was called in by my boss.  Turns out it was annual merit pay increase time and he was rewarding mie with my 3+% pay increase which was nothing to sneeze at, especially since I already felt overpaid.  Keep that in mind.

Then came last week.  I was offered, and accepted, a new director role.  It hasn’t been announced yet and I don’t know if anyone from work reads my blog so I’ll stay a little vague, but needless to say it’s a role that will be PERFECT for mie in so many ways.  It will challenge mie intellectually, it will put mie in the position to be leading people again, it gives mie a big area of responsibility for the company, and I’ll be working for people who really wanted mie to work for them.  Needless to say I’m super excited.

I’m also excited that this whole phase is finally “done”.  This opportunity was presented to mie in early March as a possibility and everyone else around mie has seemed to know what was going on more than I did.  I actually had 3 opportunities as “possible” positions for the past 6-8 weeks and yet nothing seemed to be moving – it was hard waiting to know how everything was going to work out.  I also knew in my heart that if something DIDN’T work out, no matter how much I tried to prepare myself for that, it would have hurt my heart and caused further frustration.  At one point in a conversation not really related to my opportunities I found that one of the positions was no longer an option for mie, despite the fact that just days earlier it was presented as a definite option and no one had told mie that changed.  I’m definitely learning to be flexible.

I’m supposed to begin this new position at the beginning of June.  I was presented with an offer and to my surprise on top of my 3+% pay increase I’d received the week before I will now be receiving a MUCH more substantial pay increase.  In a few weeks I’ll have been here for 10 years and now I can say that my pay has increased 500% from where I was when I started.  Seriously I’m blown away.

I’m also very grateful that God continues to teach mie and use mie where I am.  I hope I’m able to speak into the lives of those I work with and can honor Him in my new role.  One of the things my husband and I am SO excited about is that with this new income we will be able to help SO MANY PEOPLE!  We have a few things to take care of “in our own house” first, but then we will be in a position to bless others in a way we would have never thought possible.  We’re super, super excited.

And very, very thankful.  And honored.  

(And I get to hire a housecleaner.  Yippee for mie!  Boohoo for all the germs that may have taken up residence in my restrooms.)

So, in the last two weeks I received a merit pay increase, I was offered and accepted this position, that day I received word that I passed my comps, I received my daughter's new social security number, and then I presentedand passed my dissertation proposal.  It’s been a good two weeks to be mie.  As I approach the 2 year anniversary of one of the low seasons of my life, I’m reminded that life is cyclical and God will do what He will.  I’m glad to be on this ride.

Foster Parent Friday - How does daycare work?

I received this question from a sweet friend.

Q:  Do the kids come to you already having a daycare situation and you have to keep that up? Or do you plan their daycare? Or can they stay home with you if they are younger than kindergarten age? And what are your thoughts on having them home with you if you were a stay at home mom?

A: This is really 2 different questions, but I can answer them both in one post I believe.

1. How does daycare work within CPS - who qualifies, how does it get paid, etc.
2. What are your thoughts on being SAHM with foster children.

First - My response to this has to come with a caveat that my answer is based on rules in my area and though I'm guessing it all works similarly in other states/counties and with different agencies, I just don't know how it works elsewhere.

In our area, daycare is provided by the state (kind of) for foster children in homes with either a single foster parent who works full-time or in a dual-parent home when both parents work full time.  The parents can be self-employed or employed by another employer and daycare will be provided as long as it is full-time employment for each parent.  School does not count as full-time employment.  Recently due to the budget cuts and presumably known fraud/waste, foster parents in our area are required to prove their employment.  This doesn't bother mie - it should be easy to prove that you're working if you are indeed actually working.

If you qualify with this rule then daycare is provided.  Of course, children who are school-age do not need daycare, so daycare is only provided for infants, toddlers, and preschoolers.  Daycare is NOT provided for school-aged children in the summer - foster parents are on their own with that.  (This doesn't affect us, we aren't accepting school-aged children).   After-school care is also not provided for school-aged children. 

So, if you have parents that work full-time and you have children that are younger than school-aged, daycare is provided.  When I say daycare is provided, that means that it is provided...as long as there are funds available.  Daycare eligibility and funds are managed by the county department that manages the welfare-style daycare programs that are available to low-income families and those who are in workforce programs (in other words, they are unemployed and are looking for work and may be attending a work-training program).  Foster children are automatically qualified (according to the rules above), so your family income is not considered in the eligibility process.  Supposedly, in our are anyway, the daycares have an agreement with the daycare providers that says they will accept the payment agreement as dictated by the workforce management group (in our area it's called CCMS or CCS, let's just call it that).  When you sign-up at the daycare then, they get a notice on how much they will get paid and how much the parent co-pays.  I have never had a copay.  I think foster parents are not supposed to have a copay.  That being said, I would venture to guess not all foster parents are aware of this rule and that some daycares get away with charging a copay to foster parents.

Daycares don't get paid much for foster children through CCS.  My first daycare was a home daycare and she said that she got paid $70 per week per child.  I don't know if that's true, but if it is, that's $280 per month per child - about 1/3 of the going rate of childcare around here.  I don't think she was doing it right for a lot of reasons, but I do believe they end up getting paid less than they would for a regularly paying parent.  Keep that in mind.  I ended up leaving that daycare at least in part because I was told on more than one occasion that they could be having full-paying children instead of mine and there were certain favoritism-type things happening because of it (like, my children weren't napping or visits interrupted naps and she couldn't have her full-paying children or parents upset by that).  We found a new daycare.

Speaking of finding daycares - CCS only pays for people who are approved by CCS.  With the low-income eligible parents they could choose pretty much anyone who wanted to be set up with CCS to receive payment, including relatives who were willing to care for their children.  With foster children, the daycare provider must be a licensed facility (could be a home daycare) that is setup to receive CCS payments.  Oh, and not only that, it has to accept the CCS payments from your county.  I live on the border of two counties.  We are licensed in one county and our home is located in the other.  Our first has was in the county we are licensed in.  Our daycare is in the county our new home is located in.  Oh my was this frustrating.  Bottom line - you are limited to what daycare you can choose and hopefully you can find a good one.  The school my son and daughter go to doesn't accept CCS, so when I get a new placement the foster children go to a different school.  That's not by choice, per se, but I like the school my kids go to and am not going to make them leave to move them to a facility that takes CCS.  Therefore, our schedule sucks regarding daycare drop off and pick-up and frankly my foster children attend a school that is not nearly as good as the one our permanent kiddos attend.  I don't like it.  It is what it is.  I could send my foster kids to the same school as Logan and Summer, but then I'd have to pay for it - about $180 per child per week.  I suppose I could make it work, but it would definitely limit the number of kiddos we could take.  So we deal with it as is.

The foster parents are solely responsible for setting up daycare as long as they follow all the rules I set out above.  You set it up then you tell the caseworker where the child will be.  That's pretty much all their involvement in daycare selection.

OHHHHH, it takes 2 weeks to setup daycare payment after placement.  That's an average, it could take more or less depending on how competent certain people are in the process.  So, in the meantime the foster parents are responsible for paying for daycare out of their pocket (or, better said, out of the foster care payments, which haven't come yet, so really it's out of the foster parents pocket).  We set aside money for this each time or, if we don't have it at the moment we figure out childcare between the two of us for the first few weeks.

Second Now that you know how to qualify, setup, etc., daycare as a foster parent you have a bit of insight into what happens when you are a SAHM.  Plainly, if you aren't employed full-time (or your spouse isn't) you don't qualify for daycare payments and if you decided to put children in daycare then you'd have to pay for it yourself. 

This is a different question of course than whether or not you should be a SAHM when you're
This is a different question of course than whether or not you should be a SAHM when you're a foster parent. I think the conversation is exactly the same as the one you'd have with biological children. You weigh all the same factors. If you believe you should be a SAHM to your biological children you'd probably believe the same with your foster children. There are a few more complicating factors that I'd argue most of the time indicate SAHM is preferred over working for foster parents. First are all the appointments and visits and such. If you work the county provides transportation to visits, but the rest is on you and you already know how many visits and stuff are required. I think its more rare than not to find a job that allows you to be flexible in this way. I'm blessed in that I have that flexibility. If you have a normal 9-5 kind of job - maybe a teacher or retail job or something like that - it may be more difficult to manage all the appointments especially if they track your "butt-in-seat" time. As a human performance person I could go on and on about that, but its a topic for another day.

The other complicating factor is in existance with biological kiddos but is probably more intense with the trauma foster children have experienced and their reactions to that trauma. Many SAHMs find themselves struggling with certain behaviors with their kiddos and they wonder if they should work to get a break. Many working moms have found that they're better parents when they get a break to work outside the home. It's the same discussion with foster children. Sometimes foster children benefit from being in an environment like preschool where they can be with peers and have a different authority figure during the day than mom or dad. Sometimes that's better than being home all day with mom. Sometimes, that's a really bad thing. Some foster children (just like biological children, but more intense) have behaviors that get them kicked out of daycares.

So my answer here is that SAHM vs. WOHM discussions with foster care are similar to those with biological or adopted children. I probably lean toward valuing SAHM in most situations vs. WOHM with foster children as I would with biological or adopted children. That being said if you're a 2-parent or single parent home where every adult works full-time, that doesn't exclude you from being a great foster parent and in some cases that might be a better situation for some kids than a 2parent home where mom is a SAHM. It just depends. Depends on the kids. Depends on the parents. You as the foster parent do have the option to do either, pending you follow the rules above and your budget allows for it. It's really up to you and your family.

Working Mama Wednesday - Balance

I've been talking to a sweet lady through email recently who found me through my blog.  (I just love that!).  She recently asked me a question that I know many of you have either asked or are wondering, so I thought I'd answer it here for all of you to read.

Q: Do you have to balance/organize thoughts around being a Christian woman, a parent, a foster, and someone with a career at the same time?  (For the question I used her direct words - please know if you email mie I don't share our conversations or your name unless you ask me to, other than these types of questions where I can address generically to all as I'm doing here.)

A:  This question is most easily answered yes, of course.  Honestly, I think most women have to figure out how to balance the components of their lives, and for every additional component that is added there is more balancing that needs to be done.  Here was my answer to her question -
Honestly, this isn't a huge struggle for me. The hardest struggle for me is not being a stay-at-home mom, not because I think that's the more "holy" thing to do but because as a bio-mom and a foster mom, all I want to do is spend time with my kids and husband most of the time! (By the way - before I gave birth to my son, I didn't expect this - I thought I was someone who would be better as a working mom, that SAHM wasn't for me...that changed 100% after my son was born and then even more after I had my first placement).  I'd love to do nothing more than spend time with them and be a homemaker - I love all things homemaker-ish. I could bake and garden and play with my kids and teach them and go shopping and cook and be crafty all day long. I love going on walks like to the park and feeding the ducks and going on nature walks to learn about the environment. I really think I'd be a perfect SAHM. Unfortunately, that's not the path God has me on right now. He has me working, making a great impact in the professional world, in the world of education, in the lives of the people I work with. He has me helping my husband provide for our family so that my husband can do an honorable yet not-well-paid job and we can both be givers both in time and money. We now have a home that could house pretty much as many children as they'll let us have and plenty of space outside where they can play. We own two houses now where we can bless another family by allowing them to rent out the other place for a discounted rate so they can have a safe, worry-free (hopefully!) place to live. All that stuff wouldn't be possible if I weren't working. I'm not saying God won't change our situation. All of that "stuff" could be gone tomorrow and we could be living in a tiny shack barely making ends meet. I don't know - we'll see what He has in store. For today, I just do what I think He's asking me to do and right now that means I work.

I gave my heart and my life to Christ a long time ago. I'm fortunate to have done so in a community of believers who passionately loved Christ and sought to live His will fully every day. None of us are perfect, but we sure tried to live with passion and purpose every day. So now I have this strong background that helps me put my priorities together. First I will live for Christ, which means I put His plan and will ahead of my own first. Then I live as my husband's wife. Our marriage comes second only to my relationship with Christ. Thankfully he is a Christian also, so that usually doesn't conflict. Third comes our children. Clearly this means our bio and/or any adopted children. Foster parenting is a ministry which technically would come after my children and in this case it does too. However once a child is in our home that child is treated as if a full-blooded bio-child and therefore receives the same priority as our other permanent children. Practically, this means that our children, all of them, come 3rd behind our marriage and our relationship with Christ but if and when we have spaces in our home we don't automatically just fill them, we do have to consider how taking a new placement will impact our marriage and our children currently in the home. Only 4th then does my work come into play. I try to keep my work in perspective as well. I work to provide, I work to be obedient, and I work to minister to those I work with. If I find myself enmeshed in a project or feeling pulled into something to the point where I'm harming my top 3 priorities, then I have to make adjustments to my work because that's how I prioritize. This is so engrained in me that I don't really think about it!

It's not always easy.  Things do become frustrating, primarily when my husband wants me to do something that would result in less time at work.  As an example, 2 days a week he is responsible for getting the kiddos ready for school and taking them so I can go in to work early.  This buys me the freedom on the 3 other days to work a shorter day (maybe 9-4:30) so he can get whatever sleep he needs and always be at work on time.  But, often, he asks if I will stay and help him get the kiddos ready.  I oblige, not only because I want to be helpful to my husband but also because I like doing that with my kids and seeing them in the morning.  The consequence is that I work a shorter day on days I've committed to working longer days.  This also happens at night when he wants me to come home earlier and not stay later on my "long" days, which ideally would be 9-10 hour days, not 12-15.  In any case, it frustrates me because he wants me to work and enjoys the financial aspect of my job but doesn't necesarily like the consequences - it puts me in a bind.  I'd be happy to quit working and stay home and always have a meal ready and always let him sleep in and always take care of the kids and always be home early.  That at this point just doesn't gel with his desire for me to keep my current job (or, at least salary!).

SO, those are the types of frustrations and therefore prioritizations that I have to make.  Thankfully, again, it's automatic in me to choose my husband and family first over my job because that is the engrained prioritization.  My thought is that if I honor Christ in that way, he will take care of my employment or, if I make the choice between my marriage and my job and end up losing my job that He will provide for us or be taking us down a different path.  I can only do what I can do.  Also, thankfully, my husband and I have learned to communicate in this area so that we can not get frustrated with each other and when I need to work longer or feel I need to work longer then I can talk about that with him, he can express his feelings on the matter, and we can come up with a solution that meets all of our needs most of the time.

I hope that helps.  It's not meant to mean I'm supermom and can handle it all without batting an eyelash.  That's not it at all and yes we struggle sometimes and yes we're tempted sometimes and yes we fail sometimes at all of this prioritization stuff.  As I said, I can only do what I can do and have to trust that God will take me where he needs me to go as I try to remain faithful to what he wants me to do. 

Moolah Monday - Being the Breadwinner

There's much to-do in the world about the concept of "breadwinner", especially when it comes to masculine and feminine roles in a relationship.  In most Christian traditions (though not exclusively), men are the head of the home and therefore, additionally, are the wage earners.  Certainly in the U.S. and other nations that have had gender equality movements over time the idea that men go to work and women stay home barefoot and pregnant are no longer the norm.  In fact, I'd argue that with any increase in "rights" comes an additional responsibility, whether through proactive stress & work to do the right thing or consequences for choosing not to. In the case of women, this added much more to their already full plates. This isn't meant to be a case for or against equality for women, just pointing out that "freedom isn't free" and now many women "must" work at least in part in payment for their equality.
I for one am grateful for the women before us who through suffrage earned us the right to vote and the freedom to be educated and to choose the path that we believe God has set out for us whose identity isn't soley tied up in whether or not we work, whether or not we marry, and whether or not we have children.  I no longer have to be worried that if I didn't have a husband or children that I'd be less-female, less worthy to society, and destined to be a poor "widow" begging for change.  Surely as a woman who has a career and who has "taken advantage of" the educational system, I should be grateful for these opportunities.  I vote.  I have a voice.  I'm an important member of society just for being mie.
 
That being said, I have to be careful as I'd caution any wife to be, that I don't harm my husband's role by over-emphasizing that I'm the breadwinner.  I do talk about it from time to time here on the blog and then at times with a handful of trusted female friends primarily as the rationale of why I don't stay-at-home or to demonstrate how our life works, but we don't talk about it a lot at home and I try to never mention it when in mixed-company, especially when my husband is around or with his friends.

I have a great husband.  He's faithful, he adores me and his kids (even the ones he didn't contribute to creating!), he loves the Lord, and he's very helpful.  I know that he feels a heavy burden to make sure that I'm taken care of and that his kids know how much they are loved.  Sure - he's not perfect, but neither am I and that's ok.  We learned that a long time ago and know where perfection comes from, not each other. \

With all that said, I want to make sure that for all he does he never feels less-than because I make more money than he does. It would be easy for me to demean him and complain a lot for working, not staying home, etc. because he doesn't make "enough". I'm sure that it would be easy for him to fall into the trap of feeling not good enough, not enough as a husband, not enough as a father, not enough as a man. I've learned enough about gender roles over the years to know how devastating that type of thing can be and how for a small population that pressure will drive some to succeed or completely fail, for most it produces an unhealthy constant struggle of feeling worth. My husband's worth shouldn't be soley based on the ratio of our earnings but from who He is in Christ - nevertheless it's an innate struggle that can take a man off-path.
As an example from our life - for years we qualified to purchase things on credit purely on my income (including all of our cars and and all 3 houses).   If you've ever been down the road of financing stuff like that, you know it can be easier to use one person's income if you can just so you have about half of the paperwork!  So, several of those things are only in my name.  There are times when I could use that in a fight - I could say mean and ugly things like "your car?  Whose name is on the title?"...or something like that.  That is clearly something I try and avoid, but I also try to avoid using that topic in jest . When we talk about that property I talk about it in both our names.  Though it's not required, we made sure that they included both our names on the title of our homes even when the mortgage is in my name.  I recently found new insurance for our rental property and though in our state as a married couple that insurance would by default be for both of us, I made sure that he was on the policy explicitly.  I know this may sound obvious to some, but it's the little things like that where companies give us the opportunity to choose (or, in some case default to me only) where we could do the easy thing and not push it or worse I could get haughty and rub it in my husband's face where we choose to walk hand-in-hand. 

A similar example - last week I had the opportunity to go get my hair done.  I called my husband and asked for permission, not so much to get it cut or colored (though I wanted his input on that too) but primarily to spend the money.  It's a small amount of money to do that, at least with our budget, and honestly if I would have gone to do it without telling him first he wouldn't have noticed in our account.  Nevertheless, in doing so I showed him that his opinion matters and that though I could take the attitude of saying "If I work I get to choose this stuff for myself", that wouldn't help our marriage out.  Afterall, I want him to talk with me about his purchases too so we can be on the same page about spending our money.

Speaking of that, I also want to make sure that I don't strip him of the role we believe he has as the one primarily responsible for providing for our family. This is a delicate balance with me earning at least 2x what he does.  It would be easy for him to say eh...I don't need to work my wife makes plenty for both of us.  It would be easy for us to continue daycare, let him stay home and work on his hobbies and play video games all the time while I'm at work; we could afford that.  But we don't do that.  Yes, we both acknowledge that it's important for us to have individual down time and do things we love, but it's not ok for either of us to sit idly doing nothing for extended periods of time.  That won't help our marriage or our family and probably isn't what we're designed to be on this Earth for.  My husband works his 40 hours.  Then, in the times he's home when the rest of the family isn't, he does other work in the house.  Sometimes its the yard work, sometimes its cleaning up the clutter, sometimes it's a special task I ask him to do because I didn't get around to it the night before.

The point is, it's important for my husband to remain to be the head of our household regardless of how much money either of us make. Tomorrow my job could be gone. So could his. I'm glad we're in a position where we both have the opportunity to work when we truly need to, that God gave us able hands, feet, and minds and has given us favor to this point with employment. We're very blessed with that. Yes, it adds different challenges than a family where the wife stays home and doesn't earn an income and, by now you all know I'd prefer that - I'm a stay-at-home momma in a working mama's body. But for now I'm asked to work and have been favored to be able to do so and that means I need to keep myself and my humility in check to know my true job in this world - and that is not necesarily rooted in my position at work or my income.

Working Mama Wednesday - Current Projects

I've been thinking this past week about all the things I do.  Have you seen the movie previews for "I don't know how she does it"? - I barely saw the title on a commercial and, though I don't know anything else about the movie, I get people who ask me that all the time.  Or they just tell me that - "I don't know how you do it".  So at some point I'm interested in looking into the movie, though the first thing I pulled up on google called it the 3rd Sex in the City movie, and I'm not interested in that.

In any case, I'm keenly aware that I'm not the only person out there that has a lot on their plate.  Also, as I've been thinking about it I've thought about how "Working Mama Wednesday" is kind of funny - all mom's work.  So - if you're a mama - here's to you!  I'm sure you can come up with your own list!

Here are the "normal" day-to-day things I work on:

• Cleaning the house (4200 sq. ft = lots to clean)
• Cooking/Dishes
• Laundry (9 loads + each week)
• Raising 4 kids
• Balancing visits, caseworkers, therapists, court, and other "system" stuff
• 2 dogs & a turtle
• Trying to be a good wife to my husband/being married
• Maintaining & building family/friend relationships
• 45-50 hr workweek + 10 hr-ish commute
• church, small group, and other service opportunities + building my relationship with God, etc.
• This blog.

Here are the current "extra" projects I have going on currently:

• Training for a marathon relay team (right now it's 2 miles 3x/wk but will build to 5 miles + 3 days other types of training, 30 minutes each)
• Painting & decorating 3 rooms (kitchen & 2 kids rooms) - remember this post?  Paint was on sale the week before labor day.
• Planting some foliage in the backyard to cover areas grass died before it becomes mud season
• Cleaning out the front flower beds, planting fall/winter foliage, and remulching
• Teaching the kids how to play Wii  (forgot how much fun this was!)
• Prepping for my son's birthday party
• Prepping for #4's party and figuring out if we will have #8 on her birthday.
• Trying to get the state to set a date for #4's adoption so family can schedule trips if they can
• Finding new medicaid drs since our regular one is in a contract dispute...
• Fixing insurance on our rental home - just now switching it to a rental home (dwelling) policy
• Cleaning out closets and toy chests, sending old/too small/out of season stuff back to the parents of #7 & #8 in prep for them to go home.
• Trying to rid the world our home of ringworm.

Things I still have slated to do soon:

• Prep for doctoral competency exams (eek...have to schedule that!)
• Finishup doctoral dissertation proposal (gotta get on that...)
• Clean the carpets
• Finish up my foster-care scrapbook
• Buy cold weather uniforms for Logie
• Paint the laundry room (after paint goes on sale again)
• Get a haircut
• Schedule family pictures (we usually do around birthday time)
• Get on top of the family budget
• Clean out the office closet/craft room
• Schedule dermatologist & allergist appointments for myself, Logie, and Little Miss (#4)
• Get back into batch cooking (wow...was it really January when I wrote that post...eek)
• Find a rodeo to take my kids to
• clean out the fridge & pantry

I think that's a good enough list for now.  That'll keep me busy for a few weeks.  I'm sure of it.

So what are you working on?

Working Mama Wednesday - New "Job"

Because I don't do enough and have way too much free time on my hands, I've decided to volunteer as a community leader for ivillage.  I was a community leader for the message boards over there back before my son was born, but that was a long time ago.  I have some life-long friends that I developed from my days on those boards, and now I'm ready to get back into the message board scene. 

Join me over at Foster Parenting at ivillage.

In all honesty, I headed over to the boards looking for more folks to "socialize" with who share an interest in foster parenting.  When I arrived, I found they didn't have a CL and in the back of my head thought maybe one day I'll volunteer if the opportunity arose.  Sure enough, a few weeks have passed and I'm now officially the community leader and I'm super excited to be able to share and help lead that board. 

If you're interested in foster parenting join us won't you?

Working Mama Wednesday - Considering Change

This week I starrted getting a bit of tugging to consider doing something different than what I'm doing now.  Currently I work for a large corporation in a finance/strategic planning type of function though my background is in human performance/training and development/organizational development and that is what my advanced degrees are in.  I like what I do - my newer role is exciting and challenging and growing me in a new way.  Nevertheless I don't see myself in this role forever. 

There are a few seeds God has planted in me over time.  One is to write (books).  I have the gift (ability) and desire to do research (both academic and practical).  I have a HUGE desire to be doing something that makes a positive difference, a real-life actual changemaker in the world and, more importantly, in the lives of individual people.  Add to that my experience - I've spent about 10 years in progressively different levels of human performance improvement and with that comes A LOT of experience in public speaking with small and large audiences alike.  They say many folks fear public speaking more than they fear death.  I wouldn't say I was ever one of those people, but I'm certainly not today.  You want me to get up in front of a crowd and talk?  No problem.  God has given me a handful of life experiences that I do believe he wants to use for His glory, specifically in my being able to share with others about those experiences.  These include infertility, the world of foster care & adoption, the particular challenges we've had in our marriage, family substance abuse, raising gifted children, and probably a few others if I think about it.  And, through all of this, I've gained a few high-level contacts (friends, colleagues, etc.) that are wonderful to have in my life.

I know I am supposed to use all of that at some point for good, I'm just not sure yet when or how specifically.  I don't know yet if the tugging I'm feeling is just more seed being planted or a call to action.  I haven't even spoken to my husband about this recent activity yet.  I've asked God for a sign of sorts to let me know what I should do.  The concept is scary - I'm working on my 10th year in my current organization which to some degree brings stability and extra benefits that are really good for my family.  On the other hand, I am convinced that what I am supposed to do, whatever that is, will be by far the best plan for my family. 

I've committed to prayer.  I've asked for some sort of sign (which isn't like me!).  I suppose I should start by talking with my husband about it...that will have to wait until after #7s birthday party.  I see how this grand plan could start unfolding - but as you all know I've struggled in the area of distinguishing between my plans and those of the Divine. 

Those of the faithful variety, will you join me in praying for direction?