There were many changes that happened in this case even over the past week. Changes that sent my husband and I back into the craziness we thought was over and definitely changes in the future of little boy. I have made a solemn vow (or a promise...or a resolve) not to get into the details with anyone besides my husband and a dear friend who has been faithful to mie in this process and in prayer on our behalf. I am so unbelievably greatful for that.
Sunday night this dear friend let me know that indeed she was still praying for us and gave mie the verse(s) she was praying for us:
- Keep me safe, my God, for in you I take refuge. I say to the LORD, “You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing.” I say of the holy people who are in the land, "They are the noble ones in whom is all my delight.” Those who run after other gods will suffer more and more. I will not pour out libations of blood to such gods or take up their names on my lips. LORD, you alone are my portion and my cup; you make my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I keep my eyes always on the LORD. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead, nor will you let your faithful one see decay. You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand. Psalm 16
I think my friend was aware that the induction was scheduled the next morning and that Sunday night would be a bit more intense in the wait than other nights - she emphasized the peace and joy needed to get through that night. Because the induction has been rescheduled to tomorrow, I suppose that night would now be tonight. So far I've been unexpectedly calm and full of faith this past week. That is what prompted this post and I honestly believe God has worked in my heart a lot through this. Of course, when I read these verses I also knew something else was coming - I was nudged to know that I would be instructed in the night.
If you know me, you know my sleep is oh so precious and very hard for me to break from - last night my husband woke up, got out of bed, called the police on some rowdy behavior (remember those teens I was telling you about...I was only half joking!), and then got back into bed. I did not wake up. I slept, at least I did until he woke me up to tell me what he'd done. As a narcoleptic - I usually sleep hard and have no trouble ignoring environmental factors to do so, therefore I kind of sighed and pulled up my big girl pants so to speak when I realized I would be receiving instruction at night, even though I didn't know what that meant.
Monday night into Tuesday was expected to be a short night. My mom was in town, I spent a lot of time with her that night (read: stayed up late) and then had to wake up earlier than usual to get all kids ready and take her to the airport before work on Tuesday. That night I was not allowed to sleep very much. First the kiddo, then the dogs, then the hubby, then etc. At one point I found myself awake - it was 2:45 am and I'd probably slept about 90 minutes total the whole night to that point - and I laid there. I was wide awake and folks, even with medication I am never "wide awake". So I knew - this was my instruction.
I prayed for a while. I knew what I was supposed to do - open my Bible on the nightstand next to me and read - but instead I prayed. That was great time but I knew I was avoiding what I was supposed to be doing. I had a ton of excuses - if I got up I'd wake my son (who was in bed with us), my husband, the dogs, my mom - if I turned on the light to read I'd wake everyone up - surely they'd wonder what was wrong and think I was pretty crazy. It was afterall 3:30ish now and who does that.
I do, apparently. I used the light from the baby monitor and used that to read a few chapters. I did the whole "read where the Bible opens thing" and landed myself in Isaiah. I should have paid attention to the chapter but I'll summarize. Essentially it was a series of prophecies about the various tribes, cities, clans, etc. of Israel. The full prophecy for one city was the only one on the page that was "full"...the others trailed into different pages. I read more than this one, but this one was clearly the one I was to be instructed from.
The city the passage was addressed to had faced a severe hardship. It went on to provide a detailed description of all the things the city did to fix the problem/prepare/address the situation. Some of these things were seemingly "right"...you know, there was a famine coming and they stored up food...they worked hard, etc. Then there were a few things that were "wrong" - it wasn't in the passage but I'll use the example of making a sacrifice to other gods. Then it says, at the end, but you didn't seek the assistance of the one who had the path layed out in the beginning - the one in control of the situation and who could actually make a difference.
So it went into my "ears" like this "Mie - you face this challenge of not having this baby in your home. You have been tossed around in this situation like a ping-pong ball with no escape. You've done everything in your power to fix it. You've called attorneys. You've read every law. You've begged and pleaded and tried to organize solutions. You've worked out your budget. You've worked out several versions of plans. You've planned for what it would be like if you don't have the baby. You've done some things that would be righteous and others that may not have been the best approach. But you didn't seek me. You didn't trust me. You didn't follow me. You lost sight of the one who really does have this all laid out from the beginning.
Thankfully, I had been realizing this over the past week as changes began to unfold so this was more confirmation than anything else. It's not that I lost sight of God entirely or His plan but I tried to take it all into my control seeing as how it appeared that everyone else had a say and they were somehow going to take the plan away from God and I had to do something about it. I didn't fully trust. I didn't understand. I didn't really honestly seek God through this all.
As I sit facing a call any moment to either let me know labor is occuring or let me know the baby is here (I'm not sure when they are going to call mie), I do so knowing without a doubt that this will work out for the best and for His glory and as things go, I am grateful for the experience and what it has taught mie.