Comical Title Changes

When we joined our ABF, we had to pull a question in front of the class...mine was "What makes you laugh"...I have a strange, usually innocent, sense of humor and I seem to find it in such little things. But, I couldn't come up with an example at the time and to this day I remember how lame my answer was. Here's an example:

If you've followed my blog for a while, you'll notice I have had a few blog links that were all named the same thing...something about unable to sign in...these are my password protected friends and when I set them up it didn't give me the chance to rename them. Today when I went in to add new friends (Hello Chambers family!) I saw I could rename them...unfortunately, I didn't know which was which...I did my best job testing links and trying to match, but this is what I ended up with...didn't even get one right...

Should be: ------------ What I renamed it:

Pure Pandamonium -----Ferguson Family
Aggie Widmers ---------Pure Pandamonium
Dusek Family -----------Celebrating the Chaos
Hello Newmans ---------Dusek Family
Ferguson Family -------The Calames
Celebrating the Chaos ---Aggie Widmers
The Calames -----------Hello Newmans

You'd think by chance I would have gotten one right! Argh....here I go to fix them again :)

And the saga continues...

Ah well it has been entirely to long since the last post. Not for lack of things to post about, I assure you. Here are the two most recent:

1) We are thinking about selling our house. Not so much because we don't want our house anymore but because we REALLY want another house we found when we weren't really looking. Unfortunately, because we weren't really looking we weren't really ready to put our house on the market either, at least to my standards and the house needs a ton of sprucing up which we couldn't realistically get done soon, at least it would take a couple weeks on the G household time, but throw a slightly poorly timed vacation in the mix and we won't be able to list, we think, until mid-December. This throws a wrench in our plans and frowns on our faces. Oh well...we said from the beginning we'd be happy either way.

2) We are continuing to progress through the maze of foster/adopt licensing. We have spent the last 5 Saturdays in a tiny room in South Dallas with some funny folks learning a few of the ins & outs of fostering, and, a little bit about adopting, but mostly fostering. This is all only to find out that this past week those in charge have decided to stop focusing on fostering and instead focus on straight adoption. We are hoping to finish our last class and paperwork before our instructor is officially axed and we have no one left to finish our licensing. This should, without other complications, see us licensed around the first of the year sometime. It could take shorter, but because of our vacation, these crazy changes in the system, and then Christmas & New Years I'm trying to be realistic. And trying not to focus on the fact that I'm already planning my schedule into the new year. In any case, what we are thinking is that this change will a) slow down the process for us, b) limit us to older children through straight adoption despite their insistance that we stick with younger kids because we already have one in the home, and/or c) require us to go to a private agency afterall which would also require us to start over, at least at some point, in the process. WOOHOO! Par-tay! not.

Anyway...we are crusing along in this crazy, crazy time. Anyone feeling like throwing up some prayers on our behalf we'll take it. And if you have someone that might be interested in buying our house, we'll take that too.

Our Plan

We finally had a chance to sit down and talk about our fertility plan when we were on vacation. It was wonderful. We had 3 whole hours to be stuck in a car together as we drove down to San Diego where I had to work the next day. I say stuck because we were. I forgot my laptop at my parents house despite going back in once or twice to get it. My husband's iphone mysteriously stopped working while we drove. It started working just fine the next morning and I didn't end up needing my laptop. Amazing coincidences huh? ;)

So we were left, me driving to avoid motion sickness and my husband captive to discussion about our options. (see a previous email on those). We decided that night that although in our hearts we'd prefer to have more biological children and maybe one day we will either by "accident" (hehe...that takes on a whole different meaning with infertility!) or by planning and medical intervention (IVF-ICSI), we really feel that the best option for expanding our family is to pursue adoption.

And then we got excited and had the opportunity to think about so many of the millions of directions that could lead us. Our initial decision was that we, at this point in our lives, are not interested in International adoption. And, we feel that if we have to spend 20K or so on increasing our family size we'd rather pursue the biological options. So, that leaves us with two main options...adoption through finding a random friend/family reference or adopting through the "system".

We attended an informational meeting on August 8th at the CPS office in Arlington. It didn't really prrovide us with any additional infrmation but did give us the opportunity to officially start the process and further discussions in my home. While I left the meeting less sure that this was our option, J was confident and even excited. We waited to fill out the application until we were able to think about it some more, pray about it, and then talk to others who've been down that road.

We met with our wonderful friends who opened their home and hearts to us to share from their experiences and knowledge bank about adoption, particularly from the foster-care system. While I will never share with anyone else what they shared with us, what I will say is that we are both so unbelievably grateful and indebted to them for allowing us to share in a glimpse of their lives as they were, as they are, and as they hope it will be. We left that special time 1000000% confident that we were heading in the right direction for so many reasons. We were so excited about pursuing this option and haven't looked back.

It was during this conversation we felt the initial plan was really outlined for us. Pursue adoption through the foster care system while simultaneously saving for IVF-ICSI. Afterall, if we save up the money and decide at some point that we don't want to go through with trying for more bio-kids, well, there really isn't a downside to that.

We decided to put our application in with DFPS on August 14th. I drove it there myself and dropped it off in person to make sure it got there and give it an extra chance at getting started on time. It took us 2 weeks to hear back from them and I was getting anxious (see previous post about what I'm learning!), but we did hear back from the recruiter on Saturday (8/29) at about 9pm saying that she was ready to put us in our training class. It was such a glorious moment! I can't explain it...it was wonderful. It's almost comparable to not taking that first birth control pill when you are trying to get pregnant. It's like going to the pre-conception appointment. And so now we're eager to become actively trying adoptive parents!

Some of our decisions:

• We will be initially open to accepting 1-3 kids, ideally a sibling group of 2-3.
• We are undecided about the age, but know we want additional boys for our son to play with and grow up with for sure...we are leaning on having children younger than him enter our home...either that or right around his age. I think of how great it would be to have a 2 1/2 year old, 3 year old, and 3 1/2 year old. But I'm crazy and in reality we're just excited to go on this journey
• We do not want to pursue foster-care right now but are willing to consider foster-to-adopt with the idea that we'd be pursuing younger children who require 18 months in the system before being eligible to adopt anyway...we are also willing to pursue straight adoption and believe that over the next few months we'll probably get a little clarification on this.

We'll be going to training in October, which means we'll be doing our home study sometime through November to January...we've been advised that it may take longer because of the holidays. We'll see. Like I said, the reality is that we're really excited to go on this journey. We're praying for our family. We're praying for our future children. We're praying that we get closer to Christ now and in the future. We're praying for our son and for wisdom to parent him now, through this transition, and forever. We're eager to get started and yet we know that this whole adventure will be more challenging than anything we've ever expected we'd face.

And we're so grateful. But we might need your help making it through and additional grace as we learn once again who we are...letting Christ shape our family rather than planning it all out ourselves.

Revelations and Hope

WOW! We've gone through so much in the past year. I've learned so much. First and foremost, God's timing is amazing, as is His provision, as is His sovereignty. The devastation I've gone through as a result of the infertility diagnosis (and in this case devastation is not a strong enough word) has really been the tip of the iceberg.

Let me put it this way. I learned along time ago that life isn't about me. The answer to the question "why me?" in good times and bad is as simple as this: Because I am me. Because He is God. He created me as he did and has allowed whatever has been in my life as he has because of his perfect will and provision. He knows me more than I will ever know myself. I matter to Him. But His will is supreme above my own and that not only doesn't mean that he doesn't love me or I don't matter but even more emphasizes that He is sovereign and somehow still loves me. Amazing huh? Crazy.

And yet, the reality is that I'd forgotten for a while, or at least my will became much more important than His. This year I've really struggled and not just because of the fertility challenges. Anyone in my shoes I think would have probably struggled if they were looking at my circumstances as I was. Here's how I saw it...

1) New year starts, I'm really looking forward to returning to work with all of the ideas I had to put into place...the challenge I faced...after taking 2 weeks off for mother & son bliss over the holidays.

2) A few hours into that first day back I'm tentatively offered a promotion to take over a position I'm not nearly as passionate about as the one I had been in. Shock #1. Step against my plan #1.

3) In the next few weeks the plan I had to return to the job I loved, having a perfect work-life balance, finishing up my last semester of residency (with a practicum making up 3 units!...that's basically free credits!), paying off debt, and quickly returning to the actively fertile world via clomid unraveled at an amazing pace:

• The position I was offered I received. A week after I officially took over the role changed completely and I went from managing 1 person with a ton of projects to managing a team of over 60 in 2 countries with additional global responsibilities...the team was created at the same time as a 10% reduction in force...no time for planning and immediate action was necesary.
• I became violently ill with no time to take off due to the new job...it lasted 5 weeks and by the time I saw the doctor I had walking pnuemonia
• I was committed to traveling 1 week per month, at least, which is difficult when you don't have anyone to watch your child overnight during the week.
• I walked into a mess of a job
• My husband started a new work schedule which although gloriously brought him home Friday nights took him away an additional weeknight and put more pressure on me to handle full childcare responsibilities during the week.
• I wasn't able to immediately give up any responsibilities of my old job
• After a while, it was decided that I wouldn't give up my old job...I still have much of my old responsibilities
• I struggled to be interested in getting school work done because I wasn't interested in getting the work done...I was always leaving something undone which isn't ok with me.
• I didn't get to spend nearly as much time with my son as I'd hoped
• don't get me started about the Johnson Grass in the backyard
• Finally got an appointment for my annual (3 months late) where I expected to get a quick prescription...you've probably read the story from there

Basically, nothing went "my way". But let me put it this way:

• I was given great responsibility at work, a great opportunity particularly for someone my age, and was given a HUGE pay increase only 2-3 months after I received a different one.
• I was given the opportunity to really speak into and touch so many lives
• My son continues to grow happy and healthy
• My husband loves his new shift and we get to spend a whole 18 hours together including a Friday night/Saturday morning combo!
• I've had the opportunity to travel again which has led me to visit a few places I haven't been and allowed for the majority of my wonderful summer vacation to be paid for
• I've been in several accidents but have been spared serious injury in any of them
• i've been able to take the medication I wouldn't be able to take if I was pregnant and it really helps me live my life!
• I was able to get through another semester, picked a Major Professor, filed a degree plan, and got that much closer to finishing the degree and doing more i've been passionate about.
• I had the opportunity to visit my family a lot despite my schedule
• I had the opportunity to help two great friends through major challenges in their lives

I could go on and on. The point is that, like most people I think, I'd put so much faith in what I thought my life would be like, both in the short term and long term. After the first shock in the first few days of the year theoretically I could have simply turned to God and let him adjust my expectations to match his and then kept going, learning more and more about who he is and who he's created me to be. Instead, I chose to continue to rely on my own abilities, delving into my pride and arrogance, fighting within myself to keep going with my chin up trying to figure out how to get things back on track "my way".

And it's now so simple to me. It's not my way. If I had my way would I go through all of this again? The work situation? The family situation? My inability to be a stay-at-home mom? My inability to be "healthy" and awake without taking daily doses of highly restricted medications? The infertility? (and on and on and on)....

If I'm honest with myself...I'd say no. I'd say I'd put it back the way I wanted it. And that's exactly the reason why I've gone through it. I'm sure there's more in time, but for now I'm finally resting in this assurance. I'm not in control. I'm a failure on my own. My plans are not perfect. I'm not able to do it all. I am not perfect. And yet I have a loving God who IS. Who loves me and really honestly provides me with everything I NEED. Who understands not only me but everyone around me...he knows me so much more than I know myself so much so that he has taken me down this path despite my arrogance and pride in the abilities and circumstances he gave me in the first place so that I can turn back to him completely and learn to trust him in such a more deep level. Neither I nor my life will turn out to be perfect as I would have designed it.

But thank God. Because if it were up to me I'd have 3 kids that I gave birth to, a husband who is the perfect leader of our family and home, a son who sleeps through the night wihtout taking 4 hours to fall asleep, financial independence from my husband's career alone so that I could be a stay-at-home mom to those 3 kids while I served in ministry, did play dates, finished school, and had a chance to workout everyday. And while that would be great, I'd be lacking the one thing I need most...reliance on The Almighty.

I've started a private journal, not so much because I didn't want to share with all of you but because I needed a more immediate opportunity to write down what was going on within me and I've allowed other things to take precedence over finding time to get online to blog. Plus, by the time I'd go to blog I would be in a different mood, too busy, or have different opinions than I had in the morning. And, I didn't want to turn this blog into a fertility-centric journal. Maybe sometime I'll share what I've written in there. Maybe I won't. What I know is that although there will be a ton of challenges in my life and this isn't a declaration that I'm no longer struggling with infertility or anything else for that matter. I will struggle. I will fall.

But I will be caught.

A post with no name

Here was a good post today...

http://www.fertilityauthority.com/blogger/murgdan/2009/07/20/miracle-life

Song Lyrics About Me

These are a couple songs that really hit me right now...I almost added them to the update series but figured I'd just do another post. (You can do that right? Multiple posts in a single day?)



Hold On - Abandon:



She sits alone and wonders...When is the end of broken dreams

This isn't what I pictured...She says as tears run down her cheeks

She needs a friend beside her

She's looking for a Savior



(Chorus) Hold on, hold on, someone will find you

Hold on, hold on, somebody loves you

Hold on, hold on, your not drowning this time

Hold on, hold on, look for the searchlights



She grabs her coat to leave...So sure it's gonna be the end

Another broken family...Tears are her only friends

This isn't the life they wanted

She's hoping that Heaven comes through



Does anybody care and do you even see

Look past my skin until you see me

Do you even know what I'm going through

I need to talk to someone can I talk to you

Does anybody care and do you even see

I'm running out of hope and sanity

Do you even know what I'm going through

I'm having a hard time facing the truth

Does anybody care

The other song is "Control" by Clemency....I can't find the lyrics anywhere...but the chorus includes:

The whole world's getting heavy to hold, So I'm letting go.....so I'm giving up control.

It's clear to me who you want me to be...you're who I want to follow...

Show's how bad I am about lyrics...but it's a good reminder to me that I can't do it all...or, in reality...nothing without Him.

(In)Fertility Updates - Complete!

If you haven't read my (In)Fertility series...here are the links to each part. They are long and drawn out and unorganizaed and weird, but that's pretty typical of life...at least ours right now!


Part 1 - The Results

Part 2 - The Options

Part 3 - Our Reaction