Thursday, July 07, 2011

Thankful Thursday - Gratitude

*Can we all breathe a collective sigh of relief? Breathe in....ahhhhhhhhh*

We finally have closure on this part of the plan.  After speaking for a long time with the mother last night we were told that she wanted to place the baby for a private adoption.  Besides the complexity of our relationship with the state that was getting in the way of proceeding with our original plan, they recently have found themselves in a situation where one parent was laid off and now they have no income.  So, working with a private adoption agency seems like the best idea to them as they will be able to avoid all of the craziness with the state, get to arrange an open or semi-open adoption, potentially have sibling contact going forward, and have their expenses paid until the baby is born.

We left that conversation agreeing to wait on the final decision until we could talk with our caseworker.  In all honesty, I was fairly sure our caseworker would say we could proceed with the adoption despite state rules, but what I really wanted to do was talk to my husband.  Last night sucked.  Last night was the the time we started to accept what we've kinda known since the first day we heard about baby boy - he would not be ours afterall.  Yet, there was still a chance and we needed to work through the final choices today in order to be able to close it and move on.

This morning we talked with our caseworker through the state and he confirmed that they'd be willing to allow us to adopt the baby despite the states rules against it.  Though this is good news, it didn't really help us have an answer.  As soon as I could I talked with my husband...a great conversation if I do say so myself.  We talked through the consequences of all the options and our feelings on the matter.  We both feel the same way - we hate the situation and think it's all wrong; it's unjust.  But as my husband pointed out, this world is not just.  Our God is just, this world is not.  We'd be sad if the kids can't be together and we hate the idea of having to have them grow up knowing they couldn't be together, doing sibling visits on top of parent visits on top of other family visits we may have with different kids.  I personally just hate "looking forward to" all that.  But the reality is that none of this is the most desired situation.  In the perfect situation we'd be able to procreate on our own and not struggle with secondary, male factor infertility.  Our little girl's parents would be able to raise her and her brother safely.  None of this is ideal.

We left that conversation saying that we both felt it wasn't God's will for us to adopt this baby.  However, we didn't want to make the call because we weren't (and aren't) sure what His will is right now and we don't want to say no and stop something that He has in the works.  So we did two things.  First, we verified that our little girl's adoption could be postponed until after the baby's so that we could receive some financial assistance.  I'm not going to go into that here, but it was something that would make us more comfortable in pursuing the private adoption.  Second, we called the mother and told her we could go through with the adoption if they wished.

If last night's call was long, this one was ridiculously short.  She told me they decided to go ahead and have the baby adopted by the private agency.  I wished her well and told her to call me if she needed anything.

There is our answer.  It's done.  Though I suppose through some crazy scenario God could change it all so that we do end up with the baby somehow in the end, I really don't feel that's going to be the case.  We'll see I suppose. 

So what does this have to do with Gratitude & Thankful Thursday?  Shouldn't this be a Tuesday's Tears post?

Honestly, I suppose there are elements of grief that we will pass through over time.  But we got what we wanted.  We got a final decision.  Though it's not what I wanted, I do have some peace about it.  More peace I think than if we would have been asked to pursue the adoption.  I am very grateful that a decision has been made and my husband and I are aligned on being ok with that.

I'm also very grateful for our son Logie.  So unbelievably grateful.  He has been such a huge constant blessing to us and last night was no exception as we played and he used manners and he was just a great kid.  I love him so much.

I'm grateful for the opportunities we have.  We have the opportunity to have more different kids (now back on CPU's call list for another child...).  We have the flexibility potentially to not panic if we find ourselves pregnant one day.  We have the ability to take some true vacation time that though was originally planned to be maternity-type leave can now be actually used for a vacation.  Time for my husband and I to relax alone.  Time for our family to reconnect.  Time to travel and all that jazz.  And money, because we've been stocking away as much as we can and now have a good chunk of change.

I'm grateful to God who has sustained us on this journey and who promises to never leave us.  Because there's one thing I know, on this Letting Go of Mie journey, there will plenty more difficult situations that we will face and it's nice to know I won't be alone.

Stay tuned for what God has in-store.  We are convinced that it is something again out of left field that will be even more amazing than what we thought would be with this new baby.

1 comment:

Julie said...

My heart is full of sadness for you but also with joy. It is hard to let go of the 'what would have been' but it is amazing to think of the 'what will be'. Ultimately it is His plan, and although it is not easy, it is perfect in every way.