Thankful Thursday - Random Things I'm Grateful For...

I was REALLY hoping today I'd be able to share with you that we got the call for the siblings to come or that our license had been extended so they can come or something equally as large and powerful that I've been waiting for.  Instead, you (and I) will have to settle for this list of random things I'm thankful for.

• Salvation - I made the mistake choice of starting a spiritual conversation with my son last night after he prayed at bedtime - note that it must be late.  Part of his prayer was well-intended but signified a common hard-to-fathom spiritual truth, namely the concept of grace for "bad people".  So - I led a discussion about how grace is free and no one, not even us, deserves it and the wages of sin is death.  I did it in an age appropriate way but nevertheless my 6 year old wouldn't go to sleep and eventually broke down that he was scared and not just regular scared but scared to go to hell.  This led to another spiritual conversation, more tears, some hugs, and finally reassurance that our price has been paid.  AMEN.
• My hubby - Though the stupid web game he's hooked on drives me nuts, I've been very impressed with my hubby lately in prioritizing the important things - like finishing the backyard fence and helping me with the kids during hospital week last week.  I love that man.
• Marie Calendar's Dutch Apple Pie & Breyers natural vanilla ice cream makes the world a better place at the end of a long day.
• Good friends - including all of you - I'm so grateful I know the people out there who will support mie with words of encouragement and even correction in love when I need it, like when the baseball coach ...well you get the drift.  What's that?  I need to forgive and move on...ok - thanks for the correction again.
• Dallas area Children's Medical Center - who cared for all of us while baby baby was sick and gave my kiddos unlimited popsicles with the option for sugar-free.  Because there's only so many popsicles a child should have in a day but that changes when they're in the hospital.  Right?
• My accidental haircut - the haircut itself was not accidental but the way it was cut was.  I went in to cut layers into my hair one night when I was tired of the way it was laying and accidentally cut one part of the layer on one side way to short with little room for correction.  I did what I could.  The next day (and since) I've had so many complements on my hair.  Many people thought I colored it.  I did not.  I was just a bit too snip happy and apparently it worked in my favor.
• Perennial Flowers in my front yard - last year we planted them.  I didn't take great care of them during the winter freezes and worried I'd lost them.  They have all bloomed BEAUTIFULLY this spring.  I'm amazed.
• My son's good report card - he did awesome! Finally tested more accurately for his reading level at 2.5-3.5 grade (he's in K) and met his reading goal at 177%.  Way to go buddy!
• Infertility - I missed the opportunity to post during National Infertility Awareness Week, unfortunately, but I'm so grateful for our journey through infertility.  If you're walking that way be encouraged - I hope you find solace and resolution soon so that one day you too can be grateful for that journey.
• Our new temporary FAD worker (our caseworker) - she's awesome!  I really appreciate her.  I haven't heard from her yet (should have yesterday) but every time I talk to her I leave the conversation content and impressed with her devotion to what she does.  
• The greek restaurant near work - I've had the Salmon Pita 2x this week.  Tough on the wallet and probably on my weight loss desires but man is it good.  Yum!

Have a great day everyone...maybe I'll have great news tomorrow.  Maybe...

Thankful Thursday - New Foster Parents

I am so passionate about this whole foster parenting and adoption thing that I can't help but share.  I share with you all.  I share at work.  I share at home.  I share in my family.  I share in the system.  God didn't place this passion in mie until we faced infertility, admittedly, but since then I've been compelled to do something.

Surely I hope this passion and advocacy helps encourage others to get involved either by supporting foster and adoptive parents or, ideally, by becoming foster and/or adoptive parents themselves.  Though regardless we'd continue this mission as long as we're called, it's also nice to know that through our story others may also join in.

Today I have the great privilege to congratulate my sister and her family for receiving their license yesterday.  They live about a mile from us and though we live in different cities and different counties (!!!) we are now licensed through the same county office.  They are dual licensed for the same age range we are so I'm excited to be able to pool resources for clothes and other gear.

Now they sit, waiting for their first placement call.  I remember those days.  We received notice that our license was approved on a Friday afternoon and from then on I knew we could get "the call" any minute.  For an entire week I anticipated that call.  By the next weekend that anticipation had died down a little bit and I stopped thinking the call would happen "any minute".  And then it came - 11:45 pm was the minute.  The rest is history.

Today I'm very thankful that we've had the opportunity to encourage this family (and at least one other that I know of) to become foster parents.  So many out there who think "they could never do it" and at one point in time our family and these other two felt the same way.  I know we felt it was "for someone else".  It wasn't a hostile position against foster care but just one of ignorance of the system and what we could do with God's help.

Thank you God.  Thank you for giving us infertility.  Thank you for showing us through this very difficult and painful condition how much you love life and children.  Thank you for showing us that there is something bigger out there than the dreams and goals we may have for our own lives and families.  Thank you for broadening our vision to include care for these children and many more who need good parents.  Thank you for using infertility to open our hearts and leave holes in our home that could not be filled with our own biological children but instead are left open for children born to others who for one reason or another cannot provide proper care for their children.  Some will stay forever, others for hours or days, but God we know that you will hold them for a lifetime.  Thank you for allowing us to participate in this magnificent mission of caring for YOUR children.


And thank you for letting this passion be contagious.

Tuesday's Tears - 60 failed chances...

My son's birthday is coming up later this week.  I'm so excited for his 5th birthday.  I'm so excited for him to be turning 5 and for the chance to have him in our lives and watch him grow and help him learn.  He brings mie so much joy and I hope and pray that he always knows how valuable he is to us and to the One who made him. 

I hate that fact that as a kid you can never really know how much your parent loves you.  I believe you can't really know or understand that until you're a parent yourself.  Then, at least to mie, the full circle of understanding fills in - at least from a natural perspective.

Unfortunately, this week in it's timely way, is also a reminder of how infertile we really are.  You may be familiar with the stages of grief (if not look here... ), and as the article points out you may be aware that people tend to transition through the stages of grief not once but potentially many times over the years, often spurred by some sort of significant event or milestone.  If you lost a loved one - maybe it's a birthday.  If you're infertile, maybe it's a baby shower invitation.  Or the 5-year milestone without a(nother) pregnancy.

5 years.  60 months.  60 chances (in my world) for pregnancy.  60 failed chances.  60 dissapointments.  60 reminders of our inability to conceive.  60.  Sixty.  5 years.

no, my cycle did not come back the first month after my son was born...it came back 1 year to the day if you're curious.  That's not the point.

I probably should have waited to write this post until later, when I'm home by myself.  I'm tearing up.

I don't think about infertility that often.  I kind of balance between acceptance and denial.  Most of the time I'm happy with where our life has turned out and I can mentally process that God let us be infertile because otherwise we would never have pursued foster care and adoption.  I am almost 100% sure of that.  And even if I want to refuse to admit that we could have been "destined" to be foster parents, I can't at this point go back and reconcile that if we weren't foster parents we wouldn't be facing an adoption of a little girl who except for the Judge's signature is our daughter.  I'm happy as a foster mom and I love being one.  I know if I had more kiddos biologically it wouldn't have turned out this way and I'm almost, almost at the point where I'd be ok not trading our experience for fertility.

Then the curse of secondary infertility hits.  Well, we're not really infertile.  We have a son.  It happened once, it could happen again.  Who am I to limit God?  I mean, last month wasn't our month but maybe that's because He was waiting for His perfect timing and this month is it!  I've always go tstome story in my head of how it could turn out...if I were pregnant this month then I'd have found out around my son's birthday - after 5 years...what a story!  And then, if I were pregnant this month we could have waited to tell everyone until after #4's adoption....then we too would be one of the anomalies - you know, pregnant after adoption - I wouldn't care if everyone said "see I told you so...you just had to relax".  *Big eye roll*

There's been this balancing point in mie for the last, oh, however long since we did the testing.  If I'm honest, longer than that.  At least for the last 3.5 years - when my son was 18 months old and I knew that wasn't "right".  But I had a ton of excuses.  I was nursing.  I was stressed with school and work and home and baby.  it wasn't God's timing.  We just were missing our timing.  Yeah, all those ones.

I wasn't ready to give up the dream of having another biological child.  I had my son days from turning 25.  When we were officially diagnosed I was 27.  Though I could understand that I might never have another child from my womb again, I wasn't ready to give up the idea that it might happen.  I've had a glimmer of hope that one day I'll get to experience it again.  I couldn't imagine that in my 20s I was done with one live birth.  I know people often have an age when they would *stop* having kids, often 35, but I never imagined I'd be done with pregnancy, childbirth, nursing, etc. at 24.

But the glimmer of hope has faded to a sliver. Most of the time I don't even think about it. Most of the time it's faded in acceptance of the life we now have - the opportunities we have through foster care that we would never have had...I mean really, how many people have had the experience of boy/girl infant "twins", girl-girl infant "twins", going from 3 to 1, having 4 kids with 4 different fathers, and many, many other "parenting" experiences that we've had. When it all boils down, we've been able to experience so much that most parents never "get the chance" to experience.  Most of the time - that is why the hope has faded...it's drowned out by enjoying the life we have rather than wishing for a life we don't.

There are times though, like now, when the cost of our path is abundantly clear.  The payment (for us) to experience life like we know it now is that we don't get to have more biological kids.  We suffer with the knowledge that all the experiences we mentioned above would *ideally* end in the child returning whole and healthy to their biological parents who would keep them that way.  We will never have *control* over what our family looks like and experience "trying" like "normal" couples.  I may never get to nurse again.  I may never get to be pregnant and feel a baby kick inside my tummy.  I may never get to give birth again, in any fashion.

There's something about 5 years - 60 months.  You'll notice I said above "I may never..." - the hope is not altogether lost.  My God is bigger than my thoughts.  I have no idea what He has in-store.  I've been letting go of Mie and that means I've been learning how to be open and anticipating the craziness only He could imagine for us.  But that 60 month mark.  Wow...it gave the door a good wind to almost seal it shut.

And that sends mie right back through the grief cycle.  Will I ever give up the idea for good?  Probably not.  I'll probably be 80, having had a complete hysterectomy, and still hoping that next month will be it.  That's just the way I am.  But I hope I'm more and more ok with what God has in-store for mie as I continue to move forward.  That's better than the alternative.

My cycle started again on Saturday.  It was about 5 days late, presumably because I started with the exercise/training program.  Long-enough to get me dreaming and thinking and fuel the fire of hope in my heart.  Short-enough for mie not to have taken a test (please...at this point I'd have to be like 8 months late to take a test...).  Either way the result was the same - not pregnant.

And that's probably how I'll stay I suppose.  But maybe, maybe....

Life is Crazy - But That's OK! (???)

I am continuously amazed at how my life is going.  You know, it's not as I planned it would be.  I'd be lying if I said I was neutral on the subject - rather the ambivolence is overwhelming.  Some things are much better than I thought they'd be.  Some experiences I certainly wouldn't have chosen and wouldn't have wished for anyone else. 

I have to stop and mention that my son Logie, remember that super cool 4 year old, used the word rather this week.  It made me smile...

6 Almost 8 months ago now I changed the name of my blog from "Life of Auntie Mie" to "Letting Go of Mie".  At that point I had been being pulled apart from the plans I'd had for my life for a couple years and it took that long for me to realize the theme.  My life is not mine.  I've given it up for use by the one who created mie.  I got the theme.  I frequently reference it by mentioning "my plans"...every time I start to talk about or write that down I kind of roll my eyes and chuckle and smile...I get it...even though I keep trying to live my life the way I think I want it to go there are bigger and better things planned for me.  Plans that I didn't make and sometimes those plans are in direct conflict with my plans.  Yet I still keep planning and guessing about what is going to happen next.  I keep trying to figure out God's plans, but really all I'm doing is trying to plan.

Maybe I really do belong in Strategic Planning.  Apparently it's engrained in mie.

Over the past few days there have been more developments in the saga of my life.  Normally I would fret and worry and try to figure it out so I could make a plan.  But this time it's been different.  I've given it up.  Really.  And in doing so I've found that peace that I know comes from God.  I'm not perfect, but I think I've learned a new lesson.

You know I've mentioned several times that I don't know what to hope for.  It's been a struggle in our infertility and then foster/adopt journey.  The situation we've faced with adoption is no different and I believe has magnified that struggle.  Take a generic adoption - what are you going to hope for?  Hope that the birth mother is able to raise the baby?  Hope that the baby comes to you?  Hope that it goes to another family who has been wanting to adopt?

What about my situation?  Should we hope to adopt?  Should we hope to not adopt?  Should we hope to have more biological kiddos and adopt and keep fostering?  What should we hope for? 

I get it.  All of those are the wrong things to hope for. 

Here's what I now hope for:

• I hope that I can actively choose each day to rejoice in the everlasting life I've been given as a blessing.
• I hope that God's will is done in my life and those of my family and friends and that He, in His infinite wisdom, will work all the details out.
• I hope that every child that comes across my life, whether they are placed or not, whether they stay or not, whatever the situation - that they are put in the situation that will help them to know Christ and therefore the hope is that we can be supportive of the path that God has for each of them, whatever that is so that they too can receive the living water I've been blessed to receive.

Really...that's it.  Do I still wonder?  YES!  Do I still agonize?  YES!  Do I fear and get frustrated and get anxious and do the mood swing thing based on whether things are going my way or not?  YES!  Because I'm not perfect and if I've learned anything it's that as soon as I learn one lesson it's on to the next.  And I will be tested...that's what happens with learning right?  What's the point of learning if not to be applied?

But now I know where my hope lies.  I should have known before and intellectually I probably did, but not internally - I may have "known" but I didn't "get it"...there's a big difference. 

Foster Parent Friday - Our History and Future in Fostering

As I looked back through my posts I realized I had made a promise to you here to cover a topic "next week".  Well that was in March and "next week" is now today.  Yes I realize that next week should in fact be 7 days away and not 4 months, but forgive me please, life got crazy as it seems to do around here.

Question: What made you decide to get into fostering?

This initial question is pretty simple to answer and that's good because we get asked that ALL the time.  Unfortunately it appears as if the assumed answer is something more altruistic than our honest answer - people seem to expect that we have had this life-long desire to be foster parents or maybe we come from a long-line of foster parents or we were adopted and want to give back or something like that.

Nope, none of that is true.  In my very large family I would have to say that officially there were no foster parents or adoptive parents that I knew of.  Fostering and adoption were not foreign concepts but they certainly weren't familiar to me either.  That being said, when I look back I would have to say that we had A LOT of what I now know as kinship foster arrangements, many long-term.  Both of my parents have 7 living siblings and my number of first-cousins is right around 60.  On both sides I grew up with cousins who were being raised by my grandparents or their own aunts and uncles.  I did have a cousin who was not biologically related at all but was taken in when her own parents couldn't care for her.  I myself had a cousin who lived with my family on and off for 6 years and he was more my brother than my cousin.  And yet I never considered this all being "foster-care" - it was just being a family.  That's what families do (or so I thought...).  I'm just now coming to the realization that God did indeed plant foster-care in my heart when I wasn't even thinking of it.

Nevertheless, when my husband and I dated and then married, we never discussed foster care or adoption as something we wanted to do.  We never really talked about it at all actually.  I do remember before we decided to start trying to have children and my husband wasn't quite ready yet to take that plunge but I was, I would see the news stories about foster care and suggest that maybe we do that while we're waiting to have our own.  It wasn't so much out of a desire to be a foster or adoptive parent but just to begin the process of being parents at all on a more temporary basis.  My husband decided to start trying shortly after that suggestion.

As you know by now (described here, here, and here), after giving birth to a biological son conceived slowly but nonetheless without other intervention, we learned that we were infertile and that being of the severe male-factor variety.  We're technically sterile according to fertility standards and therefore the chances of us having one not to mention multiple children biologically are virtually zero.

So, we went through our options and decided to be foster parents.  Our desire was to foster-to-adopt, most likely a sibling group, this way we could grow our family larger, qualify for adoption assistance (which would help us to pay for the expenses related to growing our family larger), AND give children who needed a home a good family to live in.  When we talked about this decision we (my husband mostly) said that we'd do the foster-care piece 2 or 3 times and if those placements didn't work out for whatever reason, then we'd decide to do a straight adoption from foster-care.  He didn't think that he could handle the pain of losing the children.  Our primary goal was to adopt.  We chose to go through the state for a variety of reasons, but one of them was that the state homes were told they'd get first chance at fostering the younger kiddos, including infants, and therefore we had a chance to have children that were younger than our own who was just 3 at the time.

Since then you know we've had 5 placements and 8 children.  5 of the 8 children have gone home and we can now add 2 return-to care's where we couldn't take the kiddos back into our home and 2 failed adoptions to our foster/adopt belt.  We've also been considered to straight-adopt 3 sibling groups, all of which we were not chosen for during the staffing. 

Looking back from where we started we realize that God has definitely changed our path.  We no longer believe that we are going to be headed for adoptions, have a full house, and then be done with the foster care world.  We have the strong suspicion now (and have since our first placement) that we will be doing foster care for a long-time.  We quickly felt that we'd be one of those families that 10 years from now will say we've fostered  80-100 kids.  We were ok with that until recently.

With the pending adoption of baby, #4, and #1 and #2, that would have put our family at a total of 5.  At this point in our lives we're not feeling that God has called to have us have more than 5 kiddos, so that would mean that our home would be full and we'd be done fostering.  When my husband and I talked about that potential, though we weren't eager to turn any of it down for the sake of future opportunities to foster, we did feel that we weren't done fostering yet.  We honestly knew in our hearts that our home would not yet be closed to fostering, which either meant one or more of the adoptions would fall through or that God would call us to have more children.

And now here we are...we still have 3 foster children, one of which is a pending adoption and 2 of which are still very much foster-care at least until more case decisions are made in August.  We don't really expect them to go home any time soon and though we don't expect #7 & #8 to turn into an adoption (the case is just too crazy) we do expect them to be in our home at least through October and into November, at which point we will probably end up opening our home again for more placements. 

We (I) still have the desire to be pregnant again and give birth to a biological child again someday.  I don't know if that will happen and the longer time goes by the less and less I think that will happen.  I do believe God will take away that desire one day if He doesn't intend for us to have more.  That being said, I also know without a shadow of a doubt that God intends for us to keep fostering, at least for now, with or without the potential for adoption.

It seems we have been molded into folks who, despite our original intentions, will be foster parents for a while.  Flexibility is key - we don't know what's coming next ever and the day we decide to give up trying to guess will be a great day indeed.

Thankful Thursday (Continued)

I was just going to edit the post I wrote yesterday.  If you missed it, it's important in our journey, so catch back up on it here.

One of the things that I'm really excited about (and I'm grateful for understanding) is the thought about new baby's new family.  Seeing as how he is going to be adopted through a private agency (I don't know which one...) and how mom has already spoken to them to do interviews, I know exactly what's happening or has been happening over the last few days.  There is a family out there who has struggled with fertility or who has been eagerly waiting on an infant list hoping to adopt.  They are going on about their normal life, either secretly or not-so-secretly waiting probably as patiently as they can for the call.  I'm not exactly sure how long they've been waiting or what their circumstances are, but they're life is about to/has just experienced change.

I imagine a hopeful mom like me.  Maybe she's sitting down to do her homework late at night (#1 & #2), maybe she just arrived home and is trying to get dinner started (#3), maybe she's waiting outside a foster visit waiting for a phone job interview to begin (#4), maybe she's in class (#5 & #6), maybe she's driving home from work (#7 & #8).  She's going about her day and then then when she least expects it the phone rings out of the blue and her life is changed forever.  They say something like "are you sitting down?"  and then something like "how would you like to have a new son in a few days?".

That moment will be life-changing.  The joy and excitement and relief and overwhelming happiness that will come from that moment is so incredibly happy.  Of course, there will be some fear and panic and craziness that will shortly ensue once they say yes.  But there is a family out there who have been desperate to become parents who will have their dreams come true very, very shortly.

I know those feelings.  I know what it's like to want a child that I couldn't have on my own.  I know what it's like to wait and wait and wait and be discouraged and encouraged in the wait.  I know what it's like when you hear the phone ring and see it's not a number you recognize (or, in this case it will probably be their caseworker at the agency, a number they've saved into the phone...I know that too as I have quite a few CPU workers numbers in my phone too!).  I know what it's like to call my husband and tell him about "the call".  I know what it's like to suddenly have your world turned upside down for the best possible reason.

Chances are we will come to know this family over time as we will be raising siblings in our respective homes.  I pray that this time for them is super joyous and that they have the support they need as they get ready.  I pray that our relationship over time will grow to be a special friendship.  I pray that they know that despite our desire to raise this child and keep him with his sister, we know beyond a doubt that God is in this and that He has ordained this outcome and that we are extremely excited about their blessing. 

Welcome to our family, new friends.  Congratulations mom and dad!  Hope to meet you soon.

Thankful Thursday - Gratitude

*Can we all breathe a collective sigh of relief? Breathe in....ahhhhhhhhh*

We finally have closure on this part of the plan.  After speaking for a long time with the mother last night we were told that she wanted to place the baby for a private adoption.  Besides the complexity of our relationship with the state that was getting in the way of proceeding with our original plan, they recently have found themselves in a situation where one parent was laid off and now they have no income.  So, working with a private adoption agency seems like the best idea to them as they will be able to avoid all of the craziness with the state, get to arrange an open or semi-open adoption, potentially have sibling contact going forward, and have their expenses paid until the baby is born.

We left that conversation agreeing to wait on the final decision until we could talk with our caseworker.  In all honesty, I was fairly sure our caseworker would say we could proceed with the adoption despite state rules, but what I really wanted to do was talk to my husband.  Last night sucked.  Last night was the the time we started to accept what we've kinda known since the first day we heard about baby boy - he would not be ours afterall.  Yet, there was still a chance and we needed to work through the final choices today in order to be able to close it and move on.

This morning we talked with our caseworker through the state and he confirmed that they'd be willing to allow us to adopt the baby despite the states rules against it.  Though this is good news, it didn't really help us have an answer.  As soon as I could I talked with my husband...a great conversation if I do say so myself.  We talked through the consequences of all the options and our feelings on the matter.  We both feel the same way - we hate the situation and think it's all wrong; it's unjust.  But as my husband pointed out, this world is not just.  Our God is just, this world is not.  We'd be sad if the kids can't be together and we hate the idea of having to have them grow up knowing they couldn't be together, doing sibling visits on top of parent visits on top of other family visits we may have with different kids.  I personally just hate "looking forward to" all that.  But the reality is that none of this is the most desired situation.  In the perfect situation we'd be able to procreate on our own and not struggle with secondary, male factor infertility.  Our little girl's parents would be able to raise her and her brother safely.  None of this is ideal.

We left that conversation saying that we both felt it wasn't God's will for us to adopt this baby.  However, we didn't want to make the call because we weren't (and aren't) sure what His will is right now and we don't want to say no and stop something that He has in the works.  So we did two things.  First, we verified that our little girl's adoption could be postponed until after the baby's so that we could receive some financial assistance.  I'm not going to go into that here, but it was something that would make us more comfortable in pursuing the private adoption.  Second, we called the mother and told her we could go through with the adoption if they wished.

If last night's call was long, this one was ridiculously short.  She told me they decided to go ahead and have the baby adopted by the private agency.  I wished her well and told her to call me if she needed anything.

There is our answer.  It's done.  Though I suppose through some crazy scenario God could change it all so that we do end up with the baby somehow in the end, I really don't feel that's going to be the case.  We'll see I suppose. 

So what does this have to do with Gratitude & Thankful Thursday?  Shouldn't this be a Tuesday's Tears post?

Honestly, I suppose there are elements of grief that we will pass through over time.  But we got what we wanted.  We got a final decision.  Though it's not what I wanted, I do have some peace about it.  More peace I think than if we would have been asked to pursue the adoption.  I am very grateful that a decision has been made and my husband and I are aligned on being ok with that.

I'm also very grateful for our son Logie.  So unbelievably grateful.  He has been such a huge constant blessing to us and last night was no exception as we played and he used manners and he was just a great kid.  I love him so much.

I'm grateful for the opportunities we have.  We have the opportunity to have more different kids (now back on CPU's call list for another child...).  We have the flexibility potentially to not panic if we find ourselves pregnant one day.  We have the ability to take some true vacation time that though was originally planned to be maternity-type leave can now be actually used for a vacation.  Time for my husband and I to relax alone.  Time for our family to reconnect.  Time to travel and all that jazz.  And money, because we've been stocking away as much as we can and now have a good chunk of change.

I'm grateful to God who has sustained us on this journey and who promises to never leave us.  Because there's one thing I know, on this Letting Go of Mie journey, there will plenty more difficult situations that we will face and it's nice to know I won't be alone.

Stay tuned for what God has in-store.  We are convinced that it is something again out of left field that will be even more amazing than what we thought would be with this new baby.

Tuesday's Tears - Dreams & Hopelessness

"Does your dream seem hopeless?  Well, get ready!" (Taking a Minute - Jason Anderson)

This is where we are right now about baby #9.  I have scoured all possible resources.  I've read every single rule, statute, and policy related to family law in our state and most of the judicial process rules too.  I've talked to almost everyone involved in the case.  I've talked to almost everyone else I know in CPS about it too (generically of course, not violating confidentiality).  Everyone agrees:

• The kids should stay together
• We are not allowed to take the child through a private adoption
• We can only take the child through a CPS placement (foster care)
• There is no "right" for the state to take the baby in this case
• Parents could relinquish to CPS if they want upon birth
• CPS is required to take the baby if she chooses to relinquish to CPS
• CPS is "required" to try to place the baby with us
• This is all just ridiculous
• Threats have been made about what might happen if CPS is called when baby is born
• It doesn't have to be this way - CPS could accept a relinquishment upon birth (48 hours afterward) and place immediately with us. 

and finally...

This may just be one of those things that can't be solved.  We just may not be able to have the baby placed with us.  The baby just may have to be placed in a private adoption.

As we speak, everyone in the case is somehow being contacted.  By the end of the day, I'm sure everyone will know the situation and final lines will be drawn in the sand.  I am pretty confident those lines will end up being that baby will be adopted through a private adoption agency, not with us.

My husband and I have almost come to a place where we will be ok with that.  (honestly, he's probably more there than I am, but that might be expected I guess!).  We know, as God has proven to us time and time again, that His plans far outweigh ours.  If we would have been able to get everything the way we wanted it in the manner we wanted it when we wanted it, we know positively our life would not be nearly as amazing as it is today.  God has a plan for us.  We want that plan to honor Him and be a testimony to His works, not our own.

Letting Go of Mie - Here I am now, once again, struggling to let go of my own plan for my life (or, at least the plan that I thought was going to happen).  I'm almost there.  I'm almost at the point where I'm letting go control.  Letting go of the idea that we will raise this new baby boy.  Letting go of the idea that we will raise our little girl and her brother.  Letting go of the idea of having another baby to raise from birth.  Letting go of that pending adoption.  Surrendering.  I give up this fight.

The thing that I struggle with in Letting Go of Mie is where to "give up" on our dreams.  As an example - we've "given up" the idea that we are going to have our own biological kids 15-18 months apart like we'd thought, but we haven't given up the idea that we'd be parents to multiple children.  Actually, so far we've only given up that they'd be biological because we're pretty darn close to having 4 kids who are 15-18 months apart each (or something pretty close).  I'd given up on the idea of being pregnant again, breastfeeding, giving birth, but I'd still hoped that I'd have a newborn to raise again.  So should I give up on that idea?  Knowing that our little girl has an actual brother that is to be born soon, should I give up on the idea that they will be raised together?  Should I start questioning the idea that we will actually get to proceed with her adoption?  I suppose I need to start surrendering that as well.

As good as God is, I managed to briefly catch a segment on the radio this morning.  The link is above, but here it is again.  It was so timely even this morning before more of this began blowing up.  The point of the brief message was that Joseph was given a great dream that seemed unrealistic but achievable upon first receiving it, then impossible after the story unfolded (how could a slave thought dead by his brothers ever find himself being bowed to?), and yet he worked hard day in day out with what he was given until one day in a manner that I'm sure wasn't expected, God made the dream come true. 

I have to go back and read the story.  It seems I may have to do a good study on Joseph.  Did he give up on his dream?  Surely he went through these struggles.  Did he always trust or did his faith waiver.  Did he question God's plan, did he rebel against it, did he struggle with the plan God laid out for him?  I'd guess so...yet he was a faithful father. 

The point of the "Taking a Minute" excerpt is that in order for God to receive glory, the situation had to be hopeless - there had to be no way that the credit could be given to Joseph.  Isn't that true of us?  We've said that for a while - we have one of the most desolate infertility diagnoses out there - that doesn't mean we won't have kids but that if we do we know it was a miracle (as our son is).  So the situation we find ourselves in with our little girl and her brother (and all of ourother kids) is just more of the same.  It is possible that God has set all of this up for a "hopeless" situation so that everyone can point to God's glory when we adopt the baby boy. 

It is also possible that everyone will be able to point to God's glory when we do not adopt the baby boy and the rest of his plan unfolds. 

I suppose either way hope is in order.  Not necesarily hope that we'll be pregnant someday or home that we'll have an infant to raise or hope that (....).  Hope that comes from knowing God is good and in the end He will be glorified.  That we know.  I'm holding firm to the promise in a verse my friend gave me earlier on in this process as all the bumps began to appear:

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

Let it be.

Moolah Monday - The Cost of Eating

Right now we are a family of six going on seven.  So weird since two years ago we were learning we'd biologically stay a family of 3.  In all honesty if we weren't infertile I'd bet that we would have probably hit 3 and stopped or, maybe 4.  Though I had 5 on my heart, my husband was happy to take it 1 at a time until 3 and there wasn't that much interest in talking beyond that.  Yet here we are having been parents to so many kiddos, now a family of 6 with a 7th maybe on the way, just 2 years later. 

Side note - if you are happening on my blog with new infertility on your heart, or really if you are struggling at all with wondering how God's plan is playing out in your life...I hope this is encouragement to you.  2 years ago our dreams of being parents and developing our family died.  We had to mourn that death.  But now that death has grown into a bigger dream than we'd ever hoped.  I pray that you trust God and find your dreams growing soon.

You know by now that we are trying to figure out how to pay for not one but two unplanned, unfunded adoptions.  I talked to you a bit about how we had to come up with money for me to stay home at a relatively short notice, which we were able to do.  I talked to you a bit about how we needed to come up with both adoption expenses and monthly expenses pretty quickly.  We are currently working through that plan, hoping God helps us figure it out!

In the process both my husband and I have seperately looked at our budget to see where we could trim down spending.  He did something I've done several times in the past - he started from our monthly actual spend and categorized up.  Since I've done that before I used the budget we had as a guiding principle to see how we could rearrange dollars.  We both found the same things - the money would be tight but we'd have to really watch our spending and there probably wouldn't be too much room for wiggle.

Translation - we were looking for approximately 2K in our budget.  Disgustingly (gratefully) we have that 2K in our budget as extra cash now.  So though we're very grateful that we have those resources, it's a bit ugly to look at how we've mismanaged our finances recently.  We both knew we were doing it, but because we had that "extra" money we didn't pay attention, and when you don't pay attention and put your money to work for you it will be bad in two ways.  First, you may make financial decisions you otherwise wouldn't have (spend on things you wouldn't have, fail to pay off debt, etc.).  Second, you end up building habits that are, in my opinion, just gross and irresponsible.

We're not talking anything super bad, but it is something we deserve to be called out on. For example, my husband did the math and in the first 11 days of May we averaged spending $375 per day. That's over $3750 in 11 days. Now granted we had some of our big monthly expenses come out then, but admittedly that did not include our bigger house payment or our car payment.  To me, that's just gross and irresponsible of us.  Thankfully my husband agrees and we're back into the cost-saving mode we both need and secretly love.

The other area that was disgusting was our actual spend on eating out.  I don't know the actual number, but it was well over $1K, probably close to $1500 or so.  (that does not include the $1K or more that we spent in groceries).  To be fair (???), we work weird hours and it's really hard for me to cook meals consistently that he and I can eat together, which leads him to eat out more often than desired and/or me to do the same.  I always try to make it a fun traditional thing for the kids - like Kids Eat Free tuesdays at Jason's Deli (no longer the case) or Friday's at Cici's pizza - both chosen for their frugality but add up quickly with 4 kids.

Now we're back to trying to keep spending under wraps.  Here's what we're shooting for:

• $600 per month - groceries
• $100 per month - eating out
• $400 per month - various entertainment budgets (Dad, Mom, Child, Family) - which could be used for eating out if we so chose.

I'm not sure we're going to hit that this month; we may need to adjust it because we went over that a bit when my parents were in town.  The good news is, that's $1100 per month vs. $2500-$3000 per month we've been spending.  Of we can meet our goals there we could possibly get close to the $2k just in those budget lines.

So, what do you think - for a family of 6, 4 of whom are under 5, is that a reasonable food budget?  Where would you caution me to look differently?  What suggestions would you make?

Tuesday's Tears - The "System" is Just Wrong

Yesterday was Little Miss's termination trial.  Things went as well as can be.  Mom & Dad were happy to see her (and made their way to the courthouse - I really was proud of them).  She was a doll - so cute and happy.  I had so much pride in her yesterday watching her talk to everyone.  When we went to take our oath I raised my right hand and she started giving me high fives.  The judge laughed his way through the oath.

I want to say that mom and dad seemed ok.  I'll have to assume that because I hope I never really know what they were feeling.  I think despite the fact that everyone agrees this is the best thing for our little girl it's still sad.  The whole situation is just sad.  Of course, on one-hand it was a happy day for us and hopefully long-term she will see it as a somewhat happy day for her too - it certainly opens the doors to get her into our family forever. 

We also met with our attorney to formalize the agreement for both this little girl and her unborn sibling.  This is where things turned way south for us.  It didn't take us by surprise, it just made it a little more real.

When we first decided to adopt from foster-care we did so because for us it was the most financially feasible option.  We've said time and time again that it's not about the money - but suddenly it has become that way.  We originally decided to adopt a sibling group.  We knew we wanted a larger family and we knew we could handle having that many children.  When we learned that doing that from foster care would be supported through adoption assistance, it solidified our position.  It took money off the table.  So for the past two years as we looked at foster care and adoption we did so under the assumption that we would have a sibling group and if we adopted then it would be with adoption support.  This removed the concern about legal fees, college, and to some degree daily living expenses (which is important considering the age of our kids and the need to put them in childcare). 

When we accepted our little girl we did so with slight reservation.  We already had one single child at the time and we knew a single adoption would challenge us financially.  But with foster care you never know how a case is going to turn out plus we've decided to say yes to placements (with some exceptions) and let God sort out the rest.  (yes, sometimes you say yes and they don't ever come)  As things progressed and it looked like we were headed this way we looked into our financial situation and agreed we could handle another child financially - we knew it was a possibility and didn't back out.  A month or two later we found out there was a sibling to be born and they would in fact be a sibling group.  CPS thought the best thing to do was to bring this child into care upon birth and then immediately place with us - the two would be together and we'd adopt them together.  That was the wish of mom and dad, CPS, attorneys, and us.  We immediately agreed and were wonderfully excited.  What a great opportunity!  And suddenly finances were taken care of once again.

Fast forward to the time mom decided to put the baby up for a private adoption.  No one wanted that except maybe mom.  She had the legal right to do so though, regardless of whether or not that made sense.

Since then CPS has done everything in its power to refuse the sibling group.  They have told us they can't be involved in "baby brokering" so they can't be involved with this baby.  They have told us they will be "out of the picture" when the baby is born...not true - adoption can't take place until much after the baby is born and placed with us.  Apparently, they've threatened mom that if she calls them she will "have another case on her", as if they are going to put her in jail or something.  I'm fairly confident they saw this as an opportunity to get out of adoption assistance, which can be a hefty benefit.

So we're left with tough heartbreaking decisions.  Should we proceed with our little girl but not the baby?  We can't imagine that.  Should we decline the adoption?  That would be unthinkable.  But what do we do?

Let me give you a bit of financial perspective.  We now have 6 weeks (though, if the baby comes earlier probably less) to solve the following:

• We will no longer receive foster care funds for little miss (-$600 per month income)
• We will now be responsible for her daycare (+$600 per month expenses)
• We will now be responsible for any and all medical care (who knows...)
• We will now be responsible for all expenses related to new baby (+600 per month daycare)

Suddenly we need to find approximately $2K in our budget on a monthly basis to proceed.

I had mentioned before that we needed to save for me to take time off for new baby - we've been able to save $6K, which would have done pretty well.

Except now we have had a car repair - $1200
We've had to put a retainer for part of the legal fees - $1200

So that little savings is now down to $3600.

We don't have anything for new baby.

We'll also need to quickly save enough for both adoptions.  With a sibling group through CPS the legal fees are mostly paid for.  Now we're responsible, and since they are separate adoptions (two different types), we'll have to pay double the normal fee.  If things go smoothly it will beit will be approximately $3K each - another $6K that we'll need to come up with.
We are suddenly more than broke.
So what do we do? We've heard at least a couple times from people in the last few days - "well, you could not go through with it". Right.
I like to talk in "normally..." terms, though I know there is no such thing and it probably doesn't help me much. But I feel like normally you have more than 4-6 weeks to figure this stuff out. Normally when you plan to do a private adoption you plan for that upfront. Normally when you agree to adopt a sibling group you receive adoption assistance from the state. Normally you're not scrambling to come up with $10K at the last minute because of some seriously screwed up situations that you had no control over.
I mean, we're the ones who are willing to take in 4 additional kids under 4 (plus our own 4 year old) to care for them on a daily basis. We've stepped up to the call to deal with kids who vomit on command and never ending appointments from therapists and medical staff and dentists and caseworkers and CASA and court when we weren't the ones who did anything wrong. We were born infertile. We're good parents. Our fault is wanting to be good parents to whoever needs us.
As if infertility doesn't suck enough. As if we don't give and give and give and give as much as we can. As if we don't sacrifice our family "normalcy" on a daily basis. As if we don't constantly get looks and sometimes comments from folks who think that we're crazy (and bad parents) for having "that many" children. Now we're either being asked to bear the financial burden as well or to give up the little girl (and her brother) that we've come to know as our daughter.
Trust me - I roll my eyes at my own self for that. I really do. I know people sacrifice financially all the time to be good parents. I know we are really blessed with what we have (both materially but more importantly immaterially - our kids!). We are really really grateful to have this opportunity. I know I sound like I'm whining and throwing a tantrum. In reality - I kinda am. I know that. I hope I get over it. I'm sure I will. It's just not...well, yet again...what we had planned.
The good news is - whatever happens will be to Christ's glory - you see the yuckiness of my heart at this moment. Here's the truth right now. My husband and I both trust that God will do something - what yet we don't know. We're along for this crazy, crazy ride trying to trust. Sometimes it's hard when you're fallen and you're dealing with a fallen world. Sometimes.
So, though I probably shouldn't, I'm allowing myself a tiny pity-party before I move forward. Hopefully my posts on the subject are all positive from here on out.
Nevertheless, if you are a praying kinda person and you would like to keep us in mind, please do - we're worn out right now and trying to figure this out too is a bit much. On this side of the mountain it appears to big to climb - yet here we go...

But I'm Pregnant Too - Part II

In yesterday's post I talked about the difficulty about expecting a child through foster care adoption and how it's only slightly different than the risks of expecting through pregnancy.  I also mentioned I had originally planned to write the post a long time ago, before the turmoil of the birth parents' waivering on who would be the adoptive parents.  I never did write that post - but here's the story behind it.

It all started shortly after we learned of #4's brother - currently in utero.  After that phone call I called a few people, did a bit of texting, and even facebooked about it.  I was excited but my husband and I were admittedly cautious about getting too excited.  We knew that "things could happen".  When we had a court date, everyone talked to us (and I believe it was presented to the court) about the new baby and the plans for us to adopt.  It was a "sure thing" as sure as these things get.  Everyone was excited for us and that the baby would stay with his sister.  Not everyone, especially the judge, was well-pleased with the pregnancy in and of itself.  But come on - what are you going to do?  Don't answer that.

From then on I was a little bit more free to be excited about it.  Still cautious but getting more into the planning and dreaming stage of expectancy.  What is the sex?  What would we name him/her.  How would we configure our house?  What would we need?  I was just like an expecting mom, though I was still guarding my heart.

Then I went to my cousin's baby shower.  A great time was had by all.  I mean, at least a great time was had by me - I assume everyone had a great time.  I was around a lot of people I either didn't know or didn't know well.  A handful of them were pregnant and a handful of them just had a baby within a couple months.  So, as you can imagine there was a lot of talk about birth plans, new baby behaviors, etc.  Typical baby shower stuff.

As an infertile, baby showers really don't bother me.  I don't think they really ever have.  Sure, it has made me want to have my own baby showers before - but it's not so much a jealous thing it's a reminder that I am infertile that get's me "upset", if you can even call it that.  I'm always excited about the person having the shower and their new bundle about to arrive.  Afterall - I've had 1 birth myself and 8 kids enter my family over the last year - I'm all about adding little ones to the family.

As the conversation went on I was in an awkward place though, especially because I didn't know some of the people.  I was family, but I live out of state so some of the people there either didn't know who I was or if they did they didn't know us close enough to know our situation.  I had 2 kids with me myself - both of whom could easily look like me (one of whom does), and everyone was loading tons of attention especially on #4, our potential adoptive kiddo, whom they had never met.  It was a great time. 

Back to the conversations, I kept wanting to jump on in to the new moms/expecting moms as they talked. 

"We're expecting too!"

Or some other version of fitting into the conversation - you know...we're naming our child XX...well when our baby comes we're naming him/her XX.  We like green and blue - yeah we're thinking of animal themed nursery when ours comes...stuff like that.

Except I knew two things would happen.  First, for my family who didn't know what I was talking about they'd get all excited about my pregnancy and I'd have to "let them down" that I wasn't actually pregnant.  Then for everyone else I knew the next question would be - When are you due?  or How far along are you?

I'm super comfortable with my situation and A-OK with the fact that the answer was and is July.  Which at the time would have made me almost 7 months pregnant.  Especially for child #2 (or depending how much people knew about me up to child #5), there is no way I look 7 months pregnant.  I mean, I'm not the most fit person out there, but I'm not obviously "with child" as someone in their late 2nd/early 3rd trimester is.

So - then I would have to go down the road of explaining our situation (and I didn't feel it was super appropriate to hijack a baby shower to talk about infertility, foster care, and adoption) and whether or not they would have felt that way I would have been reminded that our situation in some way makes us a bit second-class in the mom-dom world.  I mean really - if I tried to pass myself off as being 7 months "pregnant", even though I was at the time that far along in the adoption process and our birth mother was 7 months pregnant meaning that we were in the same position as other pregnant moms out there - expecting a child soon, then it really would have seemed like (and possibly been) a desperate attempt at attention.

I just wanted to fit in to the conversation and celebrate my family with everyone else.  Thankfully I have had one child by birth already so I had plenty to talk about without actually bringing up the upcoming arrival too much.  I may have talked about it, I don't know.  Several people, including my sister-in-law and mom did a great job showering attention on my kids, which was plenty enough for me.  I had a great time celebrating my cousin's son (he was born yesterday!) and chatting with folks who I don't see very often. 

This is just one example - it comes up a lot.  Anytime people want to make plans for July or August - I think about what we might be doing.  Any time people talk about our vacation plans (which are planned to be trumped this year to pay for and accomodate time off for the new arrival), I remember what we're thinking we will be doing.  Other people are pregnant.  Other people will become pregnant.  That's the way things work.

So it's just a really weird place to be - I'm expecting too, just in a different way.  I don't have to buy maternity clothes.

(I'm cheap so that works out just fine for me)

Tuesday's Tears - But I'm Pregnant Too...the revised edition

A quick recap: We are headed toward adoption with #4. In February we learned of a potential #9, #4's parents were pregnant and wanted us to adopt both kiddos. The plan was for the parents to call CPS upon arrival to the hospital, CPS would take custody and place in our home. Fast forward to May - I get a, let's call it brief, email that said mom changed her mind, she would place potential #9 up for private adoption to a woman who couldn't have kids. We were devastated and tried to do everything we could. We met with the birthparents to let them see #4 and talk with them about #9. We chatted a bunch (unusual) but not much about #9, but I did get to see an ultrasound, learned the due date is 7/28, and that #9 is expected to be a boy. They left the meeting saying they'd talk about it when they got home.


Fast forward to yesterday. Another brief if not cryptic email to us telling us to get an attorney and provide contact information to birth parents so they can call us when the baby comes. CPS is trying to stay out of the adoption of #9.

When we originally learned about the new baby and that the parents wanted us to adopt both can I tell you we were unbelievably excited. To say our dreams came true would be an understatement. We had set out in foster care to adopt a sibling group because we believed we could and we could even more with "special needs" status that comes with a sibling group. We're not about money here, but let's be honest here - kids can be expensive and the more support we receive the more children we can help. So here we were, attached to a baby girl who would almost certainly become ours with the chance to raise a new baby, her sibling.

The reality is there is no certainty with foster care and the adoption process. It keeps us in an adventure, no doubt, but the other side of that adventure is extreme uncertainty. It causes us to keep our faith in God - in His plans for our lives and not our own, but it also causes a bit of a challenge in protecting our hearts (and that of our son) from the hurt and disappointment related to foster/adopt loss.

I really struggled with it. For 2 months I thought I was "pregnant" of sorts - I was going to write a post all about it. I wanted to participate in normal pregnancy things, but I didn't (and still don't) know what's appropriate without putting my heart out there too much. As an example, is it reasonable to want my family/friends to throw me a baby shower for new baby? The answer I came up with was this: as much as I could want them to throw me a shower if I were pregnant myself. The bigger challenge was though - did I truly want that?

I struggled with the answer. I chatted with my mom and sister about it at length. The answer is: Yes, I want that. But, I don't. It's hard enough balancing the fine line of getting excited about this pregnancy without being realistic that it all might not happen - bringing my family into that mix would put it over that edge of unbearable for me. My husband and I try desperately to calm our excitement by reminding ourselves constantly that it might not happen. To some degree the whole hope for little then be amazed at the big concept. I usually don't subscribe to that idea but in this area it's a survival mechanism.

In the conversations with my sister and mom what it came down to was that yes, it is a risk. It is a risk for loss. Until the judge signs papers with any adoption (and potentially through an appeal timeframe) the reality is that it's not final. There is risk. But there is risk in a biological pregnancy too. When I was pregnant with my son I had the prescription for clomid, the one I received 3 days before finding out I was pregnant, on my refrigerator for 5 months before I threw it away. I knew there was risk that it wouldn't work out. I think infertiles understand this best, but the risk is there for every child-bearing person...a pregnancy or an adoption both have risk. We aren't guaranteed that it will work out.

And yet when you are pregnant you do all the pregnancy things. You have a shower. You pick out names. You tell your friends and family. You get excited about it all. Maybe you take calculated risk - maybe you just come up with a list of names but don't actually pick till you see the baby. Maybe you don't take any baby things home with you until after the baby is born. Maybe you wait until 12 weeks (or more) before you tell your friends and family. All of which are more common with those who have challenged fertility.
So where does it leave me? I don't know...I had all those thoughts BEFORE we learned we wouldn't get the baby. Now that we are supposed to be getting the baby again I have no idea how to handle it. We're excited. We need to prepare (afterall we may indeed have a baby in less than 2 months). But what if... What's the right level of preparation? How do we guard our hearts without missing out on this time of pregnancy?

I don't know. That's where we are today.

Tuesday's Tears - Secondary Infertility

I just happened across this post over at Wendi's place. Someone blessed her with the post originally, which appears to have come from a "Dear Abby" article. It compares pregnancy and adoption to different ways of travel to the same majestic place. I hope it blesses you like it blesses me.

Secondary infertility - the inability to conceive and maintain a pregnancy until birth after a previously successful pregnancy - is quite a difficult journey. Going back to the analogy, I've been able to experience one flight, hoped for more, and now have joined the boat ride as there are no more spots for me on the planes I guess. The beauty of this path that we've been blessed with is that we have the opportunity to experience both sides - approaching by air and by sea. Though my pregnancy was full of sickness and restless legs, I will never complain about that journey - I would never trade it for the world. I am completely blessed for the ability to have done that once; this I am sure of. At the same time, I believe I have a greater appreciation for that journey now that I have to take the boat ride. But the boat ride is not easy. What wasn't mentioned in the analogy is that sometimes, you get kicked off the boat, sent swimming back to shore, and then have to start over again. It's a really, really rough journey for anyone who decides to go that way, but especially for those who aren't allowed to get a plane ticket.

I'm not going to say that it's harder for secondary infertility. The reality is, the journey to parenthood even for fertiles is often difficult and uncomfortable. But there are special challenges couples with secondary infertility face. They're almost on a 3rd type of transportation. They don't belong with the fertile group - their test results and lack of subsequent pregnancies put them on the no fly list and so even though they have taken that trip in the past they don't really belong with that group anymore. We've all missed a flight or two (or come close!) and can imagine a little bit how much that sucks. They don't really belong on the boat though either. If there is any such thing they are second-class infertiles who shouldn't be complaining because they were already blessed with a biological child. It's hard for the world to understand secondary infertility and how alienating that can be.

We choose to call it like it is and try to ignore all the negative chatter. We have a beautiful son through biological birth that we are forever grateful for. We would love to have more biological children but are seriously infertile (sterile, according to the World Health Organization). We have jumped aboard the foster-to-adopt ship and hope to adopt one day but are enjoying being foster parents. We are infertile - yes it's secondary but infertile nonetheless.

Balancing the overwhelming joy of being a biological parent and simultaneous heartbreak of infertility is no joke.

Tuesday's Tears - Now it hurts...

We've only been foster parents for a year now.  If you're following our story - that's 1 year, 8 kiddos, plus our own biological son who is a wonderful constant.

You'll also know that the #1 question we get is "Isn't it hard to let them go?" (always quickly followed up with ..."I'd get too attached").  Here's our answer.  Since I wrote that post we've had 2 more placements, 2 more placements return home, and 2 times now where it finally hurt.  

This may surprise you - the 2 times of hurt actually were not related to the 2 times we sent kiddos "home".  The first actually had to do with our little boy who returned to care and we couldn't take him.  We were sad we couldn't take him but even more devastated that he returned to care and their family we so desperately wanted to be "happily ever after" doesn't appear to be taking shape.  The other has to do with this post.

Child #4 is our longest placement yet.  The plan for a while now has been for her to be adopted by us pending termination of parents rights.  Mom has relinquished (I'm told) dad has not (at least, not that I've been told).  About 3 months ago now we received an email saying that mom is pregnant again and would like us to adopt both children.  I was ecstatic - I had the chance to raise one more baby, probably my only other chance.  I was excited this made them a sibling group, which eases the financial burden and allows us to help support other children in the future.  I was excited that Sophia would have a biological sibling, something our son probably won't ever have. 

We learned yesterday that the biological parents have decided to put their new child up for adoption through a private agency.  What I've heard is that she would like to give the child to parents who can't have children.  At this point, mom and dad have full authority to relinquish their rights to the baby for purposes of placing it up for adoption with a private agency.  Though I'm told that there have been countless people talking to her about the value of keeping siblings together, it appears she made up her mind and from what I can tell has already chosen a family for this child to go to (though I don't know if that is the case).  It feels as if no one thinks this is the best idea and yet no one can do anything about it.

Now, I'm not usually someone who sits back and sticks with "no one can do anything about it".  I'm really not.  At this point, I do see a handful of options that we could pursue, or help initiate anyway, and I know my God is big enough to break down this barrier if indeed that is his will.  I believe his plan is bigger than any I could imagine.

We've felt the sting of adoption rejection before (on top of the sting of infertility).  But this is SO much different.  It's not just that we're not chosen, it's so much more complicated.  Our daughter (if indeed we do end up getting to adopt her eventually) will have a sibling out there raised by other parents, not for her will or the sibling's but purely through the mother's desire, the mother who has given up her rights to parent her first child in preparation for having them taken away for, generally, an inability to make good choices for her child.  The rationale, though her own that she is entitled to, doesn't make sense either - to place the child with a family who cannot have children.  We cannot have children.  We can't.  Doctor's chances are like 1 in a trillion and we've used our 1.  It's not something that can be "fixed".  The only hope we have of having more children is if someone has them taken away from them or if someone gives them to us.  That's it. 

Somewhere along the line this mother has obtained the idea that we have 5 kids, or so I figured when the adoption agency said "don't you have like 5 kids?".  I explained to them our situation - that we have 1 biological child and that's the only permanent child we have.  We became foster parents to hopefully one day be blessed with forever children, so far our record is 0/8 in 12 months - maybe 1 if all goes well with our little girl.  In the meantime we are providing a home to children who don't have a home - we're providing them a good home, with a loving family and loving parents.  No good deed goes unpunished.  Of course, if we had chosen to privately adopt and not be foster parents, it appears as if we might be a good match.

I'm not angry with birthmom.  I wish her well.  I don't think she understands the impact her decision has on us or on her children.  The kind of life they'll lead either in never knowing their sibling, or in always knowing their sibling and can't live with them.  Organizing sibling visits - then saying goodbye at the end.  I feel sad for her knowing that she won't have the joy of raising her two kiddos - one of which I know is such a blessing.  A beautiful girl that is growing bigger, smarter, more playful, and just a bucket of sunshine everyday (when her nose isn't stuffy with allergies).  A beautiful girl that we love so much. 

For now the option that we have - the only option we ever have really - is to leave it in God's hands.  He is more capable than I am, than we are.  He has a plan and I pray His will to be done.  I pray that will is for us to have both children - to keep them together. 

I pray He works a miracle here - if not in birthmom's heart than in mine - to accept the things I cannot change and to heal from the broken heart.

Tuesday Tears - ...and infertility remains

Many, many (though not all) people enter the world of fostering & adoption because of some sort of infertility and therefore orphan care is a 2nd choice - at least it starts out that way.  Now, this is not true of everyone, but I'd be lying if I said that wasn't how we started out.

For a summary, or the detailed thought process, behind our decision to become foster parents with the hopes to adopt, check out our choices and our decision.  Basically, we have been dealt male factor infertility due to a situation that occured before or shortly after birth that we wern't aware of until 2009.  Or at least we weren't aware how it affected fertility.

The folks at RESOLVE.org talk about resolving infertility.  It's not always a cure.  The purpose of resolution is to get through infertility and its affect on your life and getting through to "the other side" - resolution through being childless (and ok with that), through successful fertility treatments, through adoption or fostering.  Resolution - being ok with your situation and moving on with your life.

I don't know if resolution is really a goal.  I mean, it is a nice thought and something to strive for I suppose, I just don't know if that's the end...maybe it's a by-product of the process, hopefully, but well...I just don't know.

I mentioned to some people recently about how this year seems to promise it will be hard.  My son turns 5 later this year, which means everywhere I turn around is the 5th anniversary of something related to his pregnancy and birth.  The 5th anniversary of the day I found out I was pregnant.  The 5th anniversary of the day we found out we were having a boy...For some reason the 5th anniversary is offering a lot of memories and with them reminders of how long it has been without being pregnant and having more of our own children.

Furthermore, (who writes that in a blog), the longer it goes without a pregnancy the closer we get to probably not having any more of our own kiddos.  That's hard to deal with.  I'm still in my 20s, but not for long....I'm not sure (and no one ever is) how long I'll have the chance to get pregnant myself...how long it will be before the chances of IVF-ICSI success are diminished completely...before "can't" actually means physically can't for sure instead of "slim-to-none" chance.  The longer it goes the less time we have to save up and try to afford IVF and since we're not moving toward that savings right now we'd be starting from scratch. 

And then there's the thought about when we'd want to stop having kids.  I always wanted to have kids 15-18 months apart.  By the time my son was 5, I'd imagined we'd have 4 kids, thinking soon about #5 (if I could get my husband to think about that!).  I figured I'd have a whole slew of biological kiddos by now.  But when would I want to stop going through the baby phase?  I mean, I want Logie to have a biological sibling, but if they are 10 years apart do they lose some of the benefits of having a biological sibling?  I mean 5 or 6 years apart is pretty far - I worry they wouldn't be close. 

At this point I'd like to acknowledge that I've never had control over my fertility, obviously, yet crazy as I am I still think somehow that I get a say!

Will I ever be pregnant again?  I don't know.  I'm not ready to give up on that dream yet.  I'm not ready to "resolve" that totally.  Some people talk about how they come to the point of wanting to be parents vs. wanting to be pregnant.  Clearly I want to be a parent and I LOVE being a foster parent, looking forward to the day(s) we get to adopt our forever kids.  But, having experienced it once, I do want to experience it again.  I want to have more biological kids.  I would like to experience childbirth and nursing and having "my own" again. 

I don't think the odds are high.  The more and more we head down this path the more and more I feel like God is moving us away from more biological kids.  I'm ready to be ok with what God has for us.  I'm just not ready to accept that is His plan.  Not yet anyway.  Does that make sense? 

I still think God could do it.  Yes, it's possible that when we adopt we'll finally get pregnant again.  It's possible we'll get to the point one day where God will take away the desire for more biological kiddos.  I don't know.  In the meantime I'll just have to trust that God's plan is the best and He'll do something great in our lives in the meantime. 

But so far our infertility hasn't been totally resolved.

Say What !?! Sunday - It could be worse...no, really.

Don't you just love it when random strangers share their (ahem - interesting) opinions so freely? 

After experiencing the most crazy May/June you could ever imagine, we needed a break.  What we really needed was a sabbatical, but that wasn't offered.  Instead, we took a morning to head to the Heard Museum in McKinney, Texas.  We looked forward to observing some nature and heard about a butterfly exhibit so we thought this would be a great place to go - it helped that we had a free membership as a result of our membership to the Museum of Nature & Science.  In hindsight, this may not have been the best place to go since you can't really bring strollers, we had a 25 lb baby who didn't walk yet, it was JULY in Dallas, and I was still in the half-leg brace thing for my ankle.  Nevertheless it turned out to be a fun trip.

As we entered, a Southern-bred woman in her mid-late 40s was walking in the opposite direction.  While walking past we had the following conversation:

She - That doesn't look like fun
Mie - not really having much time to say anything about it - No, not much fun, but it's getting better.
She - almost behind me now It could be worse, you could be pregnant!

In early times of our infertility this may have sent me into an emotional fit and I probably would have ranted about how inconsiderate this woman was.  Instead I just smiled and nodded and moved forward.  Afterall, I suppose for a woman who was getting past her childbearing years, seeing me push a 10 month old in a biking/jogging stroller with a 3 year old in tow and a broken ankle in the middle of summer,  I suppose being pregnant would make things a bit more challenging.  There was no way for her to know that we struggled with infertility, or what we had just gone through.  And I'm fairly confident if she was made aware of our situation she would have felt really, really stupid for saying what she did - maybe she would have stopped to count her blessings.  At the time I could think of a whole lot more worse things than being pregnant - like losing your best friend, or watching your dad recover from a massive brain injury - it was one of those moments where I was reminded that we are all given what we can handle - no more and I hope no less. 

If given the choice, when I'm about the same age that woman was, I would much rather be the person who sees pregnancy and children as a blessing, a positive, than the worst thing out there.  Because really, there are a whole lot worse things out there than being pregnant.  I promise.