Sunday, December 21, 2008

Open and Honest

I need a minute to be honest with myself and, by proxy, you all.

I just signed up for facebook. Of course I spent way too much time doing that, adding friends and my own info, but I'm grateful to have had a couple hours to do that. That also means that I go through and catch up on what people are up to. Undoubtedly I catch myself comparing lives, which, of course shouldn't be. Sometimes I think MAN! They've never grown up! Or, I did they end up there? Or, whatever.

What I've noticed when I do this (it happens anytime I find a way to catch up with old friends) that I have different reactions to different people who are in the same experience. I've noticed that I have a STRONG reaction to certain people with many kids. Not all people with kids, just some. I look at certain people and I get so angry and bitter that they have more kids than I do. Of course, I am extremely happy for others with many kids. It's strange.

I've known for a while that seeing people with infertility or challenged fertility who get pregnant and have a baby somehow makes me really happy. When I see friends who have been trying and experienced the heartache for a while and know what its like, when they have their children (either biological or otherwise), I rejoice with them as if I were having my own. I cry, I'm ecstatic, I praise God for them and their kids.

Then there are those who have children easily that I can also rejoice with.

But then there are others, who, when i find they are pregnant, or in the case of Facebook when I see them a few years later and find they've had kiddos a plenty and are "so proud" of their kids and have such "beautiful families" stirs up this anger inside me and I get really bitter. I think I've realized that it tends to be caused by a couple things:
1. Friends who have had kids on the schedule I wanted to have them and are completely ignorant to the fact that people have problems doing that and how blessed they really are.
2. Friends that growing up or as young adults I fully expected to be close to when they had their kids and I'm finding out about them through facebook.

When these two are combined, it makes it worse. So then I have a few friends that we were really close to in CA that now are working on their 2nd or 3rd kid and we have never really heard about any of them and it stings. Not only because they are having kids so easily, but also because we were "supposed" to share these experiences and because we aren't in the same area and because of our challenged fertility we aren't sharing in it.

I's jealousy, plain and simple. There is no excuse for it, and I hate it. I experience this hatred and anger towards people I would otherwise love and have great respect for, all because they have something I don't...namely, babies and a relationship with them...and in reality this anger is just masking the tears I want to cry for being so hurt...hurt that I can't have babies as easy as them. Hurt because the dreams I had have been forced to change. Hurt because they haven't felt it important to keep a relationship with us...there lives are moving on without us.

I know this sounds so childish and silly and I sound like I'm whining again. I know that all that is true. But I also know that when I share these feelings here that I'm better able to get it out of me and work through my thoughts and feelings and emotions on it all.

Thanks for being my ear.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

It's been a while my friends

...I am forcing myself to write this blog... it's yet to be seen whether it will be a good idea or not.

Seeing as how my last hand-written blog was to announce the early arrival of Christmas at Walmart and Christmas is now a few days away, I'm thinking it's been a while since I've been here to share with all of you. In reality, I have been checking up on everyone but have had absolutely no time to post anything. I've been so stressed about everything in life that even though school is done and I'm officially on vacation for two weeks I'm stressed about sitting down to write a blog.

In this time we have accomplished a lot. For starters, we drove to Los Angeles and back for Thanksgiving. On the way out we drove for about 20 hours straight until we stopped at the Grand Canyon. (OK...we did stop at Albequeque to nap at about 5:30 am...Logan hadn't slept much overnight and therefore neither of us we found a walmart parking lot and took about an hour nap)

The Grand Canyon was wonderful and we took lots of great pictures. Unfortunately when we arrived in LA, I accidentally erased all of the pictures. All of them.

I'm moving on. The majority of the trip was spent doing homework. I eventually finished all of it, but not until December 9th. We drove back home after Thanksgiving in one took 22 hours.

The rest of the past two weeks were taken up entirely of schoolwork and work. The house was gross and thanks to my husband for taking care of things around here to at least keep us all healthy. I did eventually finish the semester, successfully thankfully. I have a break until the 20th of January and am trying to rest and catch up on housework, chores, and sleep. In the meantime work has been overwhelming and even though I am technically on vacation I'm working everyday until I get a certain project done. My hope is to get it done before monday.

I'm still super stressed and I'll probably take this first week of vacation just trying to return to a normal state of operation.

Ok...back to work at 9pm on a Saturday night.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

A gentle reminder

This is from a cousin of mine...

Here I sit in las Vegas. December 12, 2008. Its night, dark and stormy. The wind is blowing crazily and the clouds are reflecting streams of moonlight. I don’t know why I mention the weather. I am just letting my fingers type it’s the only form of control I have in my time of insanity. You see yesterday at around 1130 am I seen something…when I was awake, as in my eyes were open. I believe could be vision. I was reading the Bible and I heard a voice like a reporter that was somewhere not outside of my head but louder than what should be heard inside ones head. Keep reading please I’m not crazy (right now). So I close my eyes and pray God whatever this is help me focus. I tried to control my mind and focus on God as much as I could but right away I seen newsflashes like I was sitting in front of a huge screen TV with different headlines being thrown and flashed across the screen. Different reporters all reported breaking news with the same intensity, the same urgency. It cut to a big room I could see it from the front right corner A woman stood at the front of the meeting, like a town meeting, she wore a suit and held a microphone. Different people in regular clothes stood up at different times and voiced their opinions “ how can you tell us we cant go to church” What right is that? Who decided this? What is this accomplishing” They cant tell us that!”
That was gone and I heard a radio broadcast “ this is 89.9 Morning Glory”..the announcer called sternly to believers, it wasn’t a broadcast to get listeners, or radio call ins, or advertise, it was to say something, something important something that could not go without saying.
The feeling of something more in my head seemed to go away and I wrote it down.I am alone here typing in the dark apartment lit only by the computer screen. I think of the apostles, of true Christians faced with death, poverty, hunger, beatings I see them right now sitting by a single candlelight to read the Bible, to write letters to encourage others and share this message. This thing so much more than words, literature, stories. This Word. What was it that made them fight for it more than for their own warmth, families, more than their needs, desires? Why arent we like that? Do we not understand? Why did they stand before crowds and proclaim this to strangers and why don’t I? Their hunger pains are the same that I feel, their fears are mine, their beliefs are the same that I am taught? These men, woman, and children had their blood viciously taken from them and spilled mercilessly because of what ?
Because of a message. A name. Its because of them that I have it today and yet I do nothing with it. I do not know the threats, torture, or imprisonment that they faced while they steadfastly and at all costs declared to all, small, great, rich, and poor th is message, since I am not faced with this opposition to keep this a secret everyone should hear it, all should know those that believe in this message right? It only makes sense. Now the world needs it more than ever and we have nothing, absolutely nothing stopping us from proclaiming our Lord Jesus Christ.
Does your coworker know that Jesus saves? Does your Uncle? Brother? Teacher? The man at the gas station? Your babysitter?
Do they know that Jesus saved you? Do YOU know that Jesus saved you?
Satan stands at the door of your mouth whispering fear and lies. Your voice, your words can shatter his plan and save a soul for all eternity. Why could they say it and not us? THe message has only gotten stronger but have we?
If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first, If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, That is why the world hates you. Remember the words I spoke to you “no servant is greater than his master’ if they persecuted me they will persecute you..
16.1 I have said all these things to you to keep you from falling away. They will put you out of the synagogues. Indeed,( the hour is coming when whoever kills you will think he is offering service to God. And they will do these things because they have not k nown the Father, nor me. But I have said these things to you, that when their hour comes you may remember that I told them to you….
33. I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." John 15:18-16:1