Yesterday I told you about how blessed I was and how
receiving a bag of clothes for little girls completely reminded mie of that
blessing. I wanted to keep writing,
because I wasn’t done on the subject, but the post was already really long and
the second half will prove to be equally so – and take a bit of a different
direction.
Tuesday’s Tears. Sometimes these topics
are truly things that make me cry out of anguish and pain – like when my
uncle was murdered or when the
system reared it’s ugly head and we “lost” our
daughter’s brother. Sometimes they are
my thoughts on stories and trends I see out there in the world,
like verbal abuse. Other times
my frustrations get
the best of mie and I rant about how challenging it can be to remain patient
when 4 kids decide to try and run rampant.
(By the way, I forgot to add in that post that I believe this was just
kids being kids – I don’t blame them a bit and though it was crazy I still had
everything under control, with help of course from the One who is really in
control).
Today’s topic represents tears of a different sort - tears
of passion. Passion of a woman’s heart
that has been transformed to be madly in love with children she didn’t birth
and of the mission to truly care for each orphaned child, whether orphaned
temporarily (foster) or permanently (adoption).
Admittedly, it took infertility to get mie to the place where I am today
– the place where I believe I understand more about our need to rise up and
care for kids who are not biologically our own and yet desperately need us as
parents.
Truth be told – we need them as our children too, maybe even
more so. I didn’t intend to go here, but what would be a post from Mie without
at least one aside? We talk about
how children are a blessing. In some
Christian circles there is the concept (from the Bible) about how children are
a measure of blessing and he who has a “Quiver full” is blessed indeed. Though this is not the predominant belief in
American or European cultures, surely you can imagine why in Biblical times children
were understood to be a blessing. Not
only was there less of an understanding of how scientifically the body worked
to reproduce and therefore there was a natural understanding that there was a
supernatural intervention to create life but from a purely practical perspective
if a couple, especially a woman, was without child they had no one to care for
them as they aged. They desperately needed
children to be able to survive. This is
no longer true in America. In fact, the common perception is that the
child-free couple or those who have a minimum amount of children are better
able to provide for themselves a life worth living. They have less expenses. They have more time to travel and pursue
their hobbies and interests than someone with children. So, absent the survival need for children,
they have now become more commonly considered a burden rather than a
blessing. If you disagree or don’t
believe mie, just pay attention to how people around you talk about children…better
yet, take 4 with you, by yourself, to the grocery store and see how many people
give looks, chatter amongst themselves, and often times say some random things.
Christmas Eve I did just that (it wasn’t the first, or the
last time either). My kids were singing
Christmas carols through the aisles, all off-key, singing different songs none
of whom (except maybe Logan)
knew the correct words or tune.
Nevertheless they were full of joy and with the exception of a few
random hair pulls or reaches for products on the shelf they were very well
behaved, especially considering none of them had been able to nap that
day. Some people saw what I saw – the beauty
of the season through these precious kiddos eyes. There were others who thought I was crazy I’m
sure but were polite enough to force themselves to say something with good
intentions, like “you sure have your hands full!” There was this one set of ladies though with
whom I almost lost it. I don’t get that way
often but they stirred a passion in mie that I almost couldn’t control. I think it was a mother and daughter
or maybe an older sister and younger sister.
As often seen around here, they had pristine hair and makeup far more
worthy of Nordstroms than the Target produce section where we happened to cross
paths. As I joyfully danced to the tunes
my kids were singing and talked to them as we picked out our produce I caught
their glance and overt whispers. No
amount of applied beauty products could cover whatever ugliness was in their
hearts and whispers. Granted, I couldn’t
hear what they actually said, but it was clear that it had something to do with
mie being the crazy lady who clearly hadn’t learned where babies come
from. I almost lost it and walked over
to them to not-so-kindly tell them that I was a foster parent and ask them what
THEY were doing for others on Christmas Eve.
I was furious at their audacious judgment and self-righteous
indignation. It still fires mie up. But I controlled myself and just went on
enjoying my shopping trip.
You may have noticed a theme in the foster parenting
blogosphere over the past few days. It’s
right up my alley and I pray it turns into a groundswell for community
awareness for foster parenting.
Seriously, I already have the ad campaign written and if I knew how to
market it (not to make money, but just to continue to spread the word) I’d do
it in a heartbeat.
I’ve said it before, one of the comments I (and most foster
parents for that matter) hear most frequently when we tell others about what we
do is “I could never do that”. Often
times that statement is well-meaning and accompanied by many thanks and
acclamations of sainthood. Other times
it’s paired with “You must be crazy”.
Yes people actually say that.
The truth with mie and apparently many others is that
I
am not special. I just said yes. Follow the embedded links and you can learn
how
Tammy,
MamaFoster,
The Wright Family, and
Maggie aren’t super special
either (though I love them all). We and
many other men and woman have chosen to acknowledge reality outside our homes
and accept the risk that comes with providing for children who need
parents. Despite what so many tell us,
we aren’t saints. We aren’t perfect by
any stretch of the imagination. Many (though
not all) of us initially began our foster care experience for
less-than-altruistic intentions – we wanted to be parents and hoped fostering
would give us a chance to adopt at some point.
But we’ve all come to the same conclusion. Children, though yes they are a lot of work,
are still a blessing today. Yes there is
pain involved in letting a kid go after you’ve raised them in your home for a
period of time. But it’s worth it. We are at the point now where we can say
without a shadow of a doubt WE are the blessed ones in this relationship.
Others before mie have shared some of their reality so I’ll
share a glimpse of mine too.
- I
still have almost all of my Christmas decorations up in my home. All, of course, except the tree
ornaments which came of ASAP because I was dead tired of keeping the
youngest (#10) from throwing them around the house and eating them. Yes, I said eating them. I have no idea when they’ll eventually
get taken down.
- I sent
more than half of my Christmas cards out in the middle of January - and I’m
not Orthodox.
- This
morning despite waking up 30 minutes early and getting out of the house 15-30
minutes earlier than usual I was still late to work. Why?
Because after dropping off the first two kiddos at their daycare,
driving the other two the extra 10 minutes to their daycare, and then
walking them in to their classrooms I got back into the car to find a
voicemail from the first daycare that said I had brought #10 in with only
one shoe. The honest truth? I would have left him there with 1 shoe
if it hadn’t been for their visit today.
I’m perfectly ok with being the mom who leaves their 1 year old at
daycare with only 1 shoe on most days, but not on visit days. So, I drove the long way back to their
daycare because by the time I got the message I was already past the point
where I could literally “turn around” and I happily delivered the lost
shoe. From the time I left my house
it took mie 1 hour and 15 minutes to drive the 26 miles to work.
- I once
told one of my children to drink their spit in their mouth when they told
mie they were thirsty and it earned mie quite the scowl from the other “soccer
moms”. It doesn’t matter that he’d
just finished a 16 oz drink after finishing 2 chocolate milks at dinner
within the past 15 minutes and I knew that this was just an attempt for
him to get attention at least in part due to his RADish behavior. I was an evil parent.
- Last
weekend when the 3rd child of the day pooped in her pants and
we were at the park, I took a look to see that it was still coming
out. I simply “caught it” with a
baby wipe and took it to the trashcan and let the kids finish playing.
Like the others - though I try - I can’t prevent every injury,
I don’t always talk with perfect love despite the fact it is our family rule, I’m
not always patient, and sometimes I want to run away.
But the blessing we’ve received is that while many people
acknowledge these “weaknesses” in themselves and use it as an excuse to not get
involved, we’ve said yes anyway and that has produced refinement. No, I’m not always patient but if you hang
out with mie and my kids most days I do believe I’m more patient than
many. Why? Because I’ve learned to be patient. What else are you going to do with this many
kids? How else
are you going to get themall home from school and fed and to bed while they’re all tired and hungry and ornery? You have to be patient. You have to choose love when you don’t have
those natural biological feelings of love you might get when you carry a child
for 9 months and then birth them. When
you go from 1 child to 3 to 1 to 2 to 3 to 2 to 4 to 2 to 4 to 2 to 4 and other
than saying yes to accept a new placement you have no control over what happens
to these kids you have to learn to be flexible.
And so the “singing” chaos in Target on Christmas Eve is now something
you enjoy rather than an obnoxious annoyance.
And you know that even though these kids may not remember
you because they were too young, you had a chance in shaping the lives of each
one that comes through your home, no matter how long or short they are there,
no matter if you “liked them” or not, no matter if they left your home and went
straight back into the environment they came from. You protected them and provided for them for
those hours, days, weeks, and years and you hope that for a lifetime they're better off because of it.
And YOU got to be a part of something like that.
You no longer care if you will get to go to Tahiti this year
or if you’ll ever get to see Stonehenge. You don’t care if your furniture has no doors
for safety reasons (sorry I’d give credit but I don’t remember who that was!)
or if your homestudy says your home is decorated “simply and functionally”
rather than elegantly. You don’t care if
your TV isn’t the newest model and if, indeed, it has a horizontal blue line
across the bottom. You’re grateful for - of all things - a washing machine that doesn’t pour water all over the place
because you are simultaneously potty training, managing a stomach bug, and
dealing with mounds of mud from where grass used to be but you haven’t had a
chance to replant yet and doing that with 4 kids and no washing machine proves challenging.
You care about lives.
You say yes to almost any placement because you know deep in your heart
that these lives of kids you’ve never met are worth it and because you said yes
you’ll be blessed immeasurably – definitely not with material gain despite the
fact we’re reminded “some people do it for the money” on the news or
documentaries, but blessed with things money can’t buy. Memories and life lessons not easily learned
elsewhere. You’re blessed knowing that
if you’re granted the chance to live to be grey sitting on a front porch rocker
you will look back and know that you are a better person than you would have
been and your life experiences were the important ones. You will have never wasted a moment on
something fleeting – kids don’t give you that chance J
So how does this tie into my post yesterday about
donations? Because some people may truly
not be called to be foster or adoptive parents. Though I think more people are being called that ignore said call, there are
some who are not supposed to foster. And
because there are some that are called and yet despite everything I could ever
tell you about how blessed I am for saying yes you still will choose to say “I
couldn’t do it”. For all of you who for
one reason or another choose not to foster – you can still get involved. Very clearly – help those of us who’ve
already said yes. Take your turn to say
yes by helping those of us who do.
Some have suggested you provide meals. Great idea.
Typically though new parents will get meals from friends and family,
foster parents rarely get that same type of support when they have a new
placement even though they often will add 2 or 3 children to their home at a
time.
Here’s another idea. Find
safe kids things. Clean them and collect
them. Heck – just collect them because
we’ll clean them anyway, we’re used to it.
Then find a foster parent who needs something. We almost always could find use for something
or, if we can’t in our home we will find another foster parent or even a birth
parent who is really working their plan who needs these things and we’ll make a
way to get it there. Here are
suggestions:
·
Beds – cribs, pack n plays, toddler beds, twin
beds, bunk beds, futons, anything. And
for that matter – bedding sets.
·
Pack n’ plays, swings, car seats (not expired),
booster seats, strollers, etc. Even if
we have one trust mie we can use another.
Example – in our family we have 7 car seats. That’s because different kids need different
sizes. And still, with that arrangement,
we sometimes have to drive 50 extra miles in a day to switch cars so that we
can manage pick-up and drop off because we don’t have enough car seats for the
less-used car. And 2 are expiring later
this year so we’ll have to buy more. That
means if nothing else changes in our family we’re short at least 4 car seats
this year. If nothing else changes, and that's not likely.
·
Booster seats, sippy cups, kids utensils and
dinnerwear, bibs, towels, washcloths, bath toys, toothbrushes and toothpaste.
·
Toys – of all ages, types, and sizes, indoor and
outdoor (no trampolines, door-jam jumpers, or walkers). Because we care more that our kids can play
with stuff than whether it clutters our house.
·
Stuffed animals or cuddle blankets – hand made
knitted or crocheted are wonderful tokens to say “you are special” to a kid in
need. My mom once knitted #7 a beanie
because she’d done it for Logan. Oh my how he loved that thing. It showed him he was important to someone. Think about it – there are little kids who don’t
know they are important and frequently before they come to our homes they
aren’t important to anyone. Are they
important to you?
·
Clothes – seriously we can use all weather, all
sizes, etc.
On that note – I have a dream of setting up a closet for
local foster parents. We have something
provided by the county but it has to be new stuff and obviously you can only
get a little here and there. Many foster parents have higher income levels and don't qualify for additional support set aside for those below the poverty line. With that in mind, I want to
set up a supply for my friends and family who foster so that when they have a
new placement they can raid the closet for a full wardrobe. So far I’m set for girls size 18mo - 3T and
boys sizes 2T to 4T, but if I could get that “set” for babies (girl and boys,
size 0-12 months) and girls 4T-5/6 and boys 5/6, I’d be able to really serve
this population who volunteers their homes, hearts, and wallets to help these
kids who need a home.
Many times kids grow out of things and parents will have a
yard sale and donate the leftovers.
Consider finding a foster parent to donate to. Sometimes people see a good deal at the store
and want to buy it but don’t need it themselves – buy it for a foster
parent. Earn a free gallon of milk with
grocery store rewards points? Just drop
it off at your local foster or adoptive parents home – I’m sure they could use
it or again they’ll find someone who will.
Buy a lot of clothes off ebay – pick up a playset and deliver it from Craigslist
– see a dresser on the side of the road pick it up and bring it over. We can use it. I promise.
And though it may not match our décor – we’ll make it work. We’re great at that.
Don’t have any money?
Come do our laundry one day – or play with our kids while we mop the
floor. Let us take a nap when we’re
sick. Take them to the park so we can
plan meals for a week. Bring your own
kids over to play – trust mie, one or several more won’t bother us at all if it
means we have the chance to get something else done around the house. Offer to come with us when we go grocery
shopping – it really helps to have someone stay with the cart and other kids when one of the
kids has to go to the bathroom – NOW.
Offer to wash our car or the windows or clean our showers because
seriously that stuff doesn’t get done nearly as often as it needs to.
It really doesn’t matter what you do – if you can’t or won’t
foster/adopt yourselves, if you really care but would say “I don’t think I
could do that”- first rethink it, maybe you can – I’d say try it yourself you
might be surprised. We were. Second – reach out and do something to help
us – whatever you do it will be helpful AND it will encourage us and rejuvenate
us so that we can keep going. I’ve had
10 kids in 18 months in addition to my own biological son. Think about your circle of friends – how many
of them have added 10 kids and lost 7 in the past 2 years? I’m not looking for credit – I’ve already
explained I’ve been paid in full. My
point is this – if you know those who’ve experienced something in the past 2
years and you’ve felt the call to help them out – try not to ignore the need
for those in the community, first of all the kids and second those who don’t
have to and yet still reach out and open their homes and lives to the risk of
pain in order to help those kids in need.
We are extremely grateful to everyone who recognizes the
effort we make and even more so decides to join us on the journey.
