Happy New Year All!
It's time for a change around here, hence the new look and feel. My hope is that you'll find the content a bit more regular, focused, and meaningful too.
When I started this blog, I had a 9-month old and a few pressing issues in my life that I felt the need to journal about. Over the years I focused mostly on pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting, with the occasional rant or rave about other things in my life. It was entirely intended to be a diary or journal of sorts that you out there in cyberville would ready if you wanted to.
Since July 2007 I've managed 93 posts, but its no surprise to those of you who have checked on me that this year has been more scarce than any other. It's no coincidence that this has been one of the most challenging years of my life. I hinted at that with my last post and promise to get to those details soon, but the reality is I've been treading water this year and certain things have been thrown out (blogging, cleaning toilets, etc.). In looking back, I've actually had two years of challenge. Apparently at the end of 2009 I felt the need to summarize the challenge I faced then too (see here). I had an epiphany a year ago on what God was teaching me. I don't know if I learned that lesson well then or not, I feel like I did, but He's continued the learning process through 2010 in a big way. At that point I was letting go of the anchors I had besides God, and I did that. Then I went on my merry, relying on God as I went along with my life plan.
Did you catch it? My plan. Not God's. In 2009 I let go of my reliance on everyone else...except myself. This year was all about severing me from my plans. Clearly hindsight shows this process started earlier, lesson 2009 led to lesson 2010, but apparently I wasn't ready or willing 365 days ago to let go of my plans.
What I had planned for my life, for my year, for each day, was NOT what God had planned. At all I think. Not at all. It's not that I planned anything bad or ungodly, but what I had in my vision of the future life of Mie just wasn't in the cards. Now, before I get slammed with hate mail on making my own future and having faith, hear me clearly...I'm not saying God failed the omnipotence test and therefore that "God can't...", but the reality is there are some things that I had planned that will not happen. Here are a few examples...when I pictured my life having children I thought I'd have at least three (at some point that changed to five), that I'd have conceived them easily, naturally, about 18 months apart, and by now, the 5th anniversary of conceiving Logan, I'd have 3 born and #4 on the way. That's not gonna happen folks. Now this one, I've known. (Yet somehow now that 5 years has passed since his conception, talking about kindergarten in the fall, all of that seems to be triggering some repressed memories I guess). Things I didn't know? I thought I'd go through parenting with one of my best friends, who was pregnant with me and had a son, one of Logan's best friends, 3 months after me. I'd seen her nearly everyday for 5 years and we'd went through every milestone together, every holiday, the joys and the tears. That vision I had of us 14 years from now celebrating our sons' graduations from high school...not going to happen. She died in May...she was 35.
There were 6 events like that in the span of 2 weeks in 2010. Six. Add in the rest of the 365 days and you can add 2 additional deaths and several other life/plan altering events and it became clear to me that God was ripping me from the plans I had for myself. This year has been so hard and in reality it all came so fast that I didn't have the chance to grieve it all. Maybe that's a good thing.
Strangely, as my husband and I reviewed 2010 headed into the new year we found that it was one of the most incredible journeys we have ever been on and, though I don't wish some of our experiences on anyone and don't particularly wish we could repeat similar events in the future, we look back on 2010 fondly. Some of the events sucked. But the year in total was great.
Now, as 2011 begins, it's time to start a new chapter...one in which I am actively seeking what God has for my life. Don't get me wrong, I thought I was doing that until this adventure was thrust upon me (us), but as I've learned, Letting go of Mie is as much a part of my walk as anything else He might have planned.
Join me won't you?