Thursday, December 31, 2009

2009 - The Lesson

Two nights ago I had an epiphany.

I've struggled so much this year. Most of you know this. I know with what we've gone through this year most people say it's understandable, but for me it's against my nature. What I've gone through internally and the strong effect it's had on my everyday life has been horrendous.

Call it depression, call it confusion, call it it whatever you like but it isn't my normal self.

I've struggled with the change in my life. I've desperately wanted something to go to some sort of normalcy...whatever that is. But nothing in my life has stayed the same. Everything has changed. Large changes. Lots of them. Which made every small blip on the radar nearly impossible to make it through. When I say I barely made it through the last couple months it's no joke. My health has suffered, my work has suffered, and I hope against hope that my family and friends haven't suffered too bad.

And again, most would say it's understandable when faced with what we've faced. But the thing is I'm usually REALLY over adaptable to change. So much though that I constantly seek it out. Constantly look for ways I can improve myself (and others...oops).

And so it's been extra-difficult for me, in my weirder 2009 state, to figure out what the heck has been wrong with me...why it's affected me so much. Why I couldn't cope like normal. Part of what has bothered me so much is that I couldn't figure out WHY God was letting me go through all this. I knew it was for good. I knew He was building me and possibly tearing me down first to rebuild the way he wanted. I knew, in the end, it would work out. Yet I struggled to be excited about it. Many times I could gather up the excitement that was temporary about a particular thing, but it would usually fade as some other obstacle would jump in my way.

But I've had an epiphany the other night after watching Hoarders and Intervention (I throw that in for kicks). God has been taking away all of my "rocks" so that I would be forced to lean on Him.

Literally everything in my life has faced great change this year...most of it occurred in the beginning of the year. And the reason why it affected me so much is that I was looking for my constant, my rock, my unchangeable, my stability, in everything HERE and as I leaned on something God took it away. I was running around this world this year like a crazy woman. No joke. I'm sure there was something clinical about it. Not kidding even remotely. I picture in my head running around a forest through quicksand and tall tall trees, trying desperately to find something stable and not being able to find it. That's how I've felt all year. and now that I get it, I can finally truly Thank God for it. I could thank Him before, but it was still with one eye open waiting for another shoe to drop and not quite understanding like I needed to.

Of course, I don't pretend to get it all. In fact, I know that I only know a part of what God has been teaching me and what he is continuing to mold me into. But what I do know, is that God intentionally took away (or allowed me to be relieved from) the stability of everything we usually count husband, son, family, home, work, school, health, friends, church, everything. Until, a few days before the end of the year he revealed to me why. Only HE will remain constant. Only HE can be my reserve, my strength, my rock, my fortress, my shield, my comfort, my safety, my energy, my reason why, my all, my stability. Rather than looking from one "worldly" thing to another to find that stability (like my job, my family, my school, my home, etc.), as the chaos continues to surround me, and it will, I know that HE is what I need to run to. He will remain stable for me.

I know this isn't profound, in fact I "knew" this all along. But, He has used 2009 to teach this to me in a way that I KNOW it, from my head to my toe in everything I am.

So, good riddance to you, 2009. I'm happy to leave the events behind. But the lessons will never leave me and I enter 2010 on THE Solid Rock.

Thank you all for helping support me through this year and into the future!


Monkey Momma said...

M, I am so glad you've had an epiphany. Sometimes that knowledge is so freeing. I went through the exact same epiphany after our second P/L. So many I relied on for emotional help failed me. While I am not holding it against them AT ALL, I am so glad the Lord used it to remind me to rely ON HIM. In everyone else's absence, I was forced to acknowledge His presence, His knowledge, His control and wisdom. While I was pained to go through it, I'm so happy to have been torn down that way. I'm going through it again in another aspect of my life. Fortunately, I KNOW what's going on now and it's not quite as painful as last time.

So happy for new personal growth, yanno?


Mandi said...

I'm glad the reason why is clear to you. I KNOW its been a rough year for you (understatement, much?!), but hopefully its a relief to have an idea why. <3