Monday, August 25, 2008

Technically Infertile

The day has come my friends.

We can technically be put on the infertile list. Of course, I choose to say that we are fertility challenged. We have one beautiful, wonderful son that we were blessed with. I can't seriously say that we are "infertile". But, as we've known, fertility isn't our strong suit.

Nevertheless the technical definition of infertility is well-timed intercourse for a year with no conception.

And we've done that now. Late last night light bleeding ended an otherwise less-than-pleasant day. A day in which I spent at least an hour sobbing over something completely different.

Here are the stats:

Time without b/c: 3 1/2 years.
# of children: 1
# of pregnancies: 2
Time since last birth: 23 months
# of pregnancies since then: 0

So, depending on how you look at it, we've been trying:

23 months (since #1 was born)
17 months (since we really wanted to get pregnant)
12 months (since cycle #1 after Logan was born)
4 months (since Logan stopped breastfeeding completely)

Take it for what its worth. Technically we're infertile.

Not sure what to do with that. This month I was sure we'd get pregnant. Kind of (I have a $300+ prescription waiting for me at Target that I can't take while pregnant. I knew if I bought it then I'd get pregnant, if I didn't, I wouldn't. I didn't buy it but will head there today). But, I didn't think we'd actually make it to the 1 year mark after my cycle came back before getting pregnant again. Of course, I didn't think I'd make it to the 1 year mark after Logan was born before becoming pregnant again. And, I didn't think I'd make it until my annual in January last year before getting pregnant again. There she said to come back in the summer, and I didn't think I'd make it to the summer before becoming pregnant. Now, I'm looking to Logan's 2nd bday in a month and way I won't be pregnant before then. And then I'm looking at my next annual in Dec/Jan thinking...of course I'll be pregnant by then.

They call it secondary infertility...when you have one child and have difficulty conceiving another one. They say its just as painful than primary infertility. I don't know. Again, I'm still considering us fertility challenged and not actually infertile.

And again, not sure what to do from here. Should I go to the doctor to get help? I don't know. I've never been one to be against fertility interventions. I'm all for help in that area. But over the last couple years I've had to reconsider how I feel about fertility and providence. I am almost certainly against b/c for our family. Not ready to say for ANY family...but might lean that way. (another debate for another time). We just don't need it! Part of the reason is that I've learned how much fertility if valued in women who can't have babies and I'm leaning toward the position that God knows more than we do about what our family should look like. (Again...don't flame me on this...I haven't made up my mind on this and I'm not condemning anyone for using bc). But, if I believe that God knows what our family should look like...don't I believe that he knows what MY family should look like? Don't I believe that he could and would let us have a baby in His timing? Now, maybe one way that he would do that is through medical intervention. Like I said, I've always been all for that.

But what if there is a reason God isn't letting us have a baby yet? I've been thinking that maybe He's made us wait because I have to go to school for a full year, full-time, and right now with a 2 year old and working full-time that is difficult on its own without a newborn baby. (So now, if we get pregnant next cycle we'd be having a baby in Junish so I'd be done with that full-time part of school and can coast a little more). Or maybe He knows what's in store with our next family addition. Maybe he knows that Logan needs this extra time as an only. Or, maybe he thinks our next set should be multiples and He is making us wait until we take meds and, by chance, end up with multiples. Maybe he wants us to adopt. Maybe he wants us to have a girl next and, since I'm not completely comfortable with the idea of having a daughter he's holding back for me to get accustomed to that idea. Or, maybe he only wants us to have one child.

I don't know what the future holds. I don't pretend to know why this is all happening. But I do know that God knows more than me. And because of that, I'm afraid that if I take a step toward help getting pregnant, then I would be somehow interfering with something God wants me to stay out of for now. I love control. Maybe God is saying "let me be in control with this"...and if I, out of my disobedience and haste to have another child don't, my life (and the life of those in my family) will not be what God intended it to be. There are several examples of that in the Bible...where the woman was not patient enough and sought help and it didn't turn out well. One can only imagine what would have happened if she was patient just a little bit longer. Of course, back then they gave their maidservants to their husbands to procreate, and that is not going to happen, but in any case those examples are in there for a reason and one of the lessons we can learn is that when we choose to take our life into our own hands rather than wait on God, things don't turn out as well as they could have.

So that's where I am right now. Not sure what step to take next. Except to just keep moving with what I have in life...extremely grateful for the life I've been given and those around me.

I think where I am is to wait on my husband's direction. He is pretty laid back about this whole thing and feels the same way as I do about bc and fertility support. So, at this point, I think I'll just pray for God's will, making it known that I would like more children..."a quiver full"...but that more importantly I want his will in our life and for him to lead my husband on the matter and when my husband is ready to seek help, then I will follow. And, maybe in a month or two we'll have a change in heart and be ready to seek help. Maybe it will take longer, maybe it will never happen. I don't know. We'll see.


The Kings said...

Marie, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am praying for you!

Pandamonium said...

Marie, I am so sorry for your pain and struggle. Not only is it a painful, emotional struggle, but a mental and spiritual, as you mentioned with the many decisions you have to make.

When I am in doubt over something, I try to do the same thing...wait and see if Kelly receives the same answer through prayer that I am feeling. I completely trust that if we are being honest in our prayers that the Lord will not tell use two completely different things. I'll pray that the Lord guides you and Jason in the same direction soon.