Tuesday, May 21, 2013

A Mouse at the Corner of Ugly and Ugly - Beauty is Still in Sight

We are finally making progress in the attempt to have the siblings come live with us.  Progress - as in I actually have a date (that I refuse to actually write down because last time I did it changed before I made two phone calls).

Now I'm being warned - this behavior may be too much.  Is daycare really the right choice?  This behavior may be too much.  "I'm concerned about the behavior".

I've known about the behavioral challenges from the beginning but as things go (and cases too) when children are moved repeatedly behaviors tend to become overexaggerated.  Behaviors can be scary in some circumstances.  Lifestyle change due to behaviors can be even more scary.  The thought of how our lives might have to change to accomodate these children causes a bit of stress.

Then though there is the compounding fear - what if it IS too much.  What if we have to ask them to be removed?  The thought is unbearable.  It would mean yet another move for these children.  And for us.

It would also mean with certainty baby baby would be moved.  Once the children are together they will not be separated for almost any reason regardless of who has more relationship with whom at that point.

So we stand at a cross-road.  Today for us life is great except we know our baby has siblings, children I've felt like were "mine" from the beginning, who are not with us.  Right before us we have two paths.  One involves bringing the children into our home with the chance of healing, permanency, and hope but the very real risk of chaos, RAD, & ODD.  We are committed to not letting that be a reason to stop us and yet if for some reason it doesn't work out this path is forward only and at some point we would face the decision to let them ALL go, including our baby, or accept the consequences of keeping them all.  The other involves NOT bringing the children into our home because of our fears of what could be.  In the end we'd lose baby baby with that plan as well as they'd seek to find another home for all 4.  This is it.  There's no going back.

I described this whole 5-month process as feeling like a mouse being led around with a piece of cheese in front of my nose.  I see the cheese and I'm pursuing it but as I do I run across this wall and that obstacle.  It's been very hard to find the other end of the maze.  I know that someone is holding the cheese and someone is putting up obstacles.  The challenge is  - I'm not sure who is who.  Is it devinely appointed that we should follow that cheese, that God continues to whisper "keep going - it will be worth it", even when we face obstacle after obstacle designed to keep these children from a forever home that will help them heal?  OR, is the cheese a distraction from something else we're supposed to be pursuing and God continues to save us from that path by putting the obstacles in front of us to protect us?  I honestly feel like it could be either and I'm not always confident as to which way to turn.

I suppose this is where Matthew 6:33 comes into play, that I should seek 1st the Kingdom and everything else will work its way out (my paraphrase), but it's in the practical, daily steps where that begins to be hard.  This does though give me hope.  As I run around in this little maze with cheese and stumbling blocks galore what I do know is that on the other side the true reward remains.  I must run this race, maze and all, with perseverance to obtain the prize and even though today I'm at the corner of Ugly and Ugly, there is beauty where the sidewalk ends.  Of this I am certain.


MamaFoster said...

This is interesting. It is like our situation but backwards. Sib group of four, you got the baby first and then the three older children. We had the exact opposite.

Anyway, our second oldest (the oldest of the sib group of four) had an unpleasant reputation, at least on paper. Most of those behaviors have been easily remedied. Others come up, but are few and far between.

I would just add a word of caution, especially after what happen with your last placement that had to be moved, watch out for that kind of thing happening again. It seems to come up a lot with kids who get moved a lot. I really don't think that it means they are a preditor, it just seems to be bad behavior that they use to act out. We had an issue, but we learned from it and have moved forward.

Mie said...

It is our second oldest as well - how interesting.

Our doctors are the same so we've informally discussed the others and bringing them into our home. She fully supports and every time I've brought it up she tells me from her perspective it would be great and we've specifically talked about the one.

Thankfully - the behaviors are not of the same nature, at all, that we had with our last kiddos. Not to say they wouldn't/couldn't happen, it's just not the same type of situation. The whole situation (ages, genders, etc.) is different as well, but you're right, we need to be prepared for that to come up as well.

The Heart's Hunger said...

I'm really glad to have found your blog. We are just getting started in becoming foster care parents. I've blogged for a long time and now with our new journey into foster care I thought it appropiate to start a new blog just for that. It's been quite the challenge for me to 'find' foster care blogsto connect with. So I'm really happy to be here.

Wow! about the siblings and the great heart and thoughtfulness it requires to know which way to go. This is eye opening to read that oftent he case may not be that the child is to leave the home for reunification... but, that sometimes a foster parent may have to make a difficult decision to ask to have them removed for the best interest of the household and for the individual child.

I look forward to visiting your blog often. Thanks for what you are sharing. God Bless:)

Mie said...

Hello and welcome @Heart'sHunger :) Take a look at some of the blogs in my blog roll. Many of these blogs are written by fellow foster parents who've become my lifeline in this journey.