We are finally making progress in the attempt to have the siblings come live with us. Progress - as in I actually have a date (that I refuse to actually write down because last time I did it changed before I made two phone calls).
Now I'm being warned - this behavior may be too much. Is daycare really the right choice? This behavior may be too much. "I'm concerned about the behavior".
I've known about the behavioral challenges from the beginning but as things go (and cases too) when children are moved repeatedly behaviors tend to become overexaggerated. Behaviors can be scary in some circumstances. Lifestyle change due to behaviors can be even more scary. The thought of how our lives might have to change to accomodate these children causes a bit of stress.
Then though there is the compounding fear - what if it IS too much. What if we have to ask them to be removed? The thought is unbearable. It would mean yet another move for these children. And for us.
It would also mean with certainty baby baby would be moved. Once the children are together they will not be separated for almost any reason regardless of who has more relationship with whom at that point.
So we stand at a cross-road. Today for us life is great except we know our baby has siblings, children I've felt like were "mine" from the beginning, who are not with us. Right before us we have two paths. One involves bringing the children into our home with the chance of healing, permanency, and hope but the very real risk of chaos, RAD, & ODD. We are committed to not letting that be a reason to stop us and yet if for some reason it doesn't work out this path is forward only and at some point we would face the decision to let them ALL go, including our baby, or accept the consequences of keeping them all. The other involves NOT bringing the children into our home because of our fears of what could be. In the end we'd lose baby baby with that plan as well as they'd seek to find another home for all 4. This is it. There's no going back.
I described this whole 5-month process as feeling like a mouse being led around with a piece of cheese in front of my nose. I see the cheese and I'm pursuing it but as I do I run across this wall and that obstacle. It's been very hard to find the other end of the maze. I know that someone is holding the cheese and someone is putting up obstacles. The challenge is - I'm not sure who is who. Is it devinely appointed that we should follow that cheese, that God continues to whisper "keep going - it will be worth it", even when we face obstacle after obstacle designed to keep these children from a forever home that will help them heal? OR, is the cheese a distraction from something else we're supposed to be pursuing and God continues to save us from that path by putting the obstacles in front of us to protect us? I honestly feel like it could be either and I'm not always confident as to which way to turn.
I suppose this is where Matthew 6:33 comes into play, that I should seek 1st the Kingdom and everything else will work its way out (my paraphrase), but it's in the practical, daily steps where that begins to be hard. This does though give me hope. As I run around in this little maze with cheese and stumbling blocks galore what I do know is that on the other side the true reward remains. I must run this race, maze and all, with perseverance to obtain the prize and even though today I'm at the corner of Ugly and Ugly, there is beauty where the sidewalk ends. Of this I am certain.