We finally have a date for our current foster kiddos to go
home. After one more transition visit
(overnight) they will come home to us one last time before leaving Friday
morning. This brings us really mixed
feelings.
Let me point out that generally we are excited about this
transition. Very excited. It’s always nice to see the system work in
that the children get to go back home to their mother (or father, or whomever
they were removed from). It’s nice to
know that people can change and get 2nd (or 3rd, or 4th…)
chances in life (sometimes).
Transitions like this bring so much possibility with what could be for our family.
As we go down to 2 kids I see even more outings that are easier to
manage. I want to take my kids to see
the newest Ice Age movie and can only imagine how much easier it will be with
my 2 than the current 4. I’m looking
forward to cleaning and organizing my house, having more cuddle time with my 2
forever kiddos, and maybe a few later-night ice cream or pool parties. Maybe pulling out the tent and having a
sleepover with them. These are things
that either can’t be done with fosters or are very difficult to manage when you
have a bigger family. My kids get along
very well so I look forward to them playing together and building a closer bond
as the other playmates leave. And though
the kids I have are generally good kids there are certain behaviors and
challenges with these kiddos I will not miss at all as they leave. Our house will be much less screamy. My back will be less strained. These are all the benefits of losing them
from our home but we also look forward to the way our family can develop after
they leave. When will our next call
be? What type of placement will it be? How many? What ages? What gender? There are countless possible answers to those questions
to daydream about. There will be one
specific answer – our next placement. That
is all very exciting.
Typically as transitions near my husband and I relish in the
benefits of children leaving. If you
hung around us much you might think that we’re cold and heartless, that we don’t
love the children, that we won’t miss them, that we won’t be saddened at all. This is far from the truth. We will miss “our” kids – afterall they have
been “ours” now for more than ½ a year. We
will wonder what will happen with them.
Though we know they will be loved we wonder how the transition back
home, and all the ideals they have in their head, will affect them. Given our history, we wonder if they will stay
where they are going. This time we
wonder how this will all affect our daughter as it is the first transition
after her adoption and where she is old enough to realize the difference
between permanency in the home and transient relationships (daycare) and yet
not old enough to fully understand what is happening or be able to verbalize
what she’s going through. We don’t worry
quite as much about our son as this is old hat to him but we do worry about how
this all “becoming old hat” will affect him and what we can do to minimize the
hurt he feels as his brothers and sisters come and go.
As we drove to the store last night, after an extended
visit, #9 sang mie this song (she likes to sing):
“I’m going to leave you…I’m not coming back…I’m not going to
be in your family anymore…I’m not going to miss you”. Then she laughed.
Before I say how I feel first let me say I know this is
confusing times for her and is expected from any child being tossed from home
to home. These are big feelings for a
little one to process and express. Within
the ride to and from the store she also mentioned how I shouldn’t cry (I wasn’t)
when she goes even if I miss her because she’ll come back after her visit – “don’t
be sad mommy”, about how she had “THIS MANY” (2 fingers) families and how we’re
her family and her birth family is her family, and how she isn’t leaving. She can talk a lot J So she’s confused
and probably dealing with mixed feelings and some fear about the uncertainty
she faces as we continue through this transition. I don’t blame her one bit.
But it hurts to hear something like that song. One hard part about foster care, aside from
not being able to guarantee the kids are safe when they leave your home, is to
know that you will always be second best. No matter how much love you pour out, how
stable your family is, or even how much “stuff” you can give the kids, there is
always a high-likelihood that at some point your kids will reject you as “not
the REAL family”. Forget about those
grocery store comments from strangers, when “your” kids point it out it really
sucks. You can pour out your heart into
kids over and over again, you can face sleepless nights and countless court
dates and appointments, your whole family can open their lives, their hearts,
and their homes to welcome you in as an equal family member, and yet in the end
when kiddos go home it feels as if it was all wasted because you are rejected
anyway.
Of course this isn’t about mie and it’s not all wasted. There are homes out there that aren’t good
homes. Who knows what could have
happened to our kids if they weren’t with us for however long we had them. Hopefully we helped them heal and learn to
trust while they were with us. Hopefully
they had some experiences that were fun and memorable. Ideally we planted seeds so that in time
Christ’s love above all will become apparent. We have also learned something from each of our placements about how to be better people and better parents. As we go through transition we hold on to
these truths…that we do matter and that it IS worth it…so that the momentary
pain of words said (or sung in this case!) out of confusion, fear, and pain are
much more manageable and bearable. It is
why we focus (and talk about) the benefits of having the children leave, so
that the pain of rejection and fear of the unknown associated with being foster
parents can be subdued by hope for what is to come.
Join mie in praying for #9 & #10 and their family, so
that as this transition continues it is smooth and joyful, that we have wisdom
to share with them to ease their fears, calm their nerves, and help them
process those big feelings. Pray too for
our forever kiddos, that they are comforted as their brother and sister leave
and that they find solace as we reunify as a core family. May this be a time of celebration.
No comments:
Post a Comment