Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Yesterday was the day

And it came and went. Unfortunately it wasn't as easy as it sounds.

You see, yesterday was testing day. I've been very good about not testing each month. In fact, my sister found an empty box of tests I had in my bathroom counter and although I know they've been in there a while, I have no idea how long...probably at least 5 months.

But yesterday was different. I knew that yesterday should have been my day for AF or, if not, a positive test. And although for months I've not even considered testing, I prepared myself that this month I would. I don't know what the deal was, but one of the reasons why I haven't been anxious about getting pregnant (and therefore testing) for the past few months was that I had a feeling that April would be the month. I don't know why, and I really don't have any special connection to it. So, in my silly thoughts, I figured we'll wait until April. And although in the forefront of my mind I'm preparing for an appointment with the OB for some clomid in June, in the back of my mind I pictured getting a positive test in April.

And yesterday was the day.

In my head, I talked myself out of testing. You KNOW that it will be a waste of money (because who can take just ONE test...), you KNOW that its going to be negative. You KNOW that you aren't going to be pregnant now. Sometime, but not now.

But the woman in me told me otherwise. You know...you have had tingly and even sore, full-feeling breasts, almost like when you were first nursing. (Squeezes breasts to make sure they hurt...of course they do when you squeeze them!). You know...your period hasn't come yet, and in the past six months it has come regularly on this day (quite unlike you!). You know, you were REALLY warm when you woke up this morning and your temperature was on the higher side (but, of course, you know that you are wearing flannel pajamas and the heater is on). It all seems to be coming together....You MUST BE PREGNANT!!!!

No no my friend...see, you can't be pregnant. YOU don't get pregnant just because you want to be. That isn't in your cards. I know you think you have all the signs...but those are signs for others, not you. YOU know that you can make up these "signs" in your head because you want them to be true even when they aren't.

But these signs are real! (no they aren't) Yes they are! Wow...that would put you due in late December early January. A winter baby. You'll need more clothes.

As a side note, did I mention that one of the OTHER factors that ensured I was pregnant was that I spend over $500 on clothes and shoes on Sunday? Yes, exactly what a woman wanting to get pregnant should do to make sure she gets a positive test...spend ridiculous amounts of money on things you won't be able to wear.

Tonight we can take back those clothes...that can be how you tell J. Tell him you need to get Logan a new shirt (big brother...get it?), that you need to find 80-100g of protein tonight for dinner (that would be a big clue to him...not that you need that much for dinner), and you need to go return most of the clothes you just bought. Perfect!

But no, you can't be pregnant. You know that right?

Oh, but this is for real! What a celebration you will have when you arrive home. Oh, but it would be good to have a positive test to show him tonight, before you get home.

"Hello, J, I'll be a few minutes late tonight...I'm going to stop by the store"..."Ok"...

Walgreens has lots of variety for tests. How about a regular +/- and a digital pack...just for grins. How exciting it will be when you get to see it positive!

So I stopped to take the test at Taco Bell. I knew I could get to the restroom quickly without having to buy something and it was on the way home. I sit down and do my business and wait. As usual. KNOWING that a positive sign will come up quickly, or at least faintly...after all...its only 12 dpo. (But with Logan you got a positive at 10 and by 12 it was clear). Turning the test in all sorts of directions...waiting...maybe, slightly something...maybe...

Because you can't sit in a bathroom stall for more than a few minutes without being caught, or, at least without feeling gross, I washed my hands and took my precious item to the car wrapped in a paper towel, knowing that it only needs a few more minutes to develop...that extra line...that really isn't there you know...you should just throw it away...

But a couple more minutes! That's all you need! That must be why God allowed you to be stuck in this traffic jam...to give it a couple more minutes for it to develop before you get home...why traffic has taken you an additional 25 minutes...for the line to develop...you know...the line that is supposed to develop in less than 5...

When I got home I wasn't in a good mood. When J asked me what I went to the store for i actually answered "None of your business". And he knew something was wrong from before I said that and kept asking. Because he loves me. Because he wants me to be happy. And I wasn't. I was surprised but I wasn't. Silly me let me get my hopes up again. Stupid girl. You know you aren't that lucky. All that crap was all in your head...and you fell for it again, stupid girl.

AFter confessing my testing ways in the car on the way to Chili's, we had a good night. We ate way too much (including a white chocolate molten lava cake...mmmmmmmmmmm)...so much so that I went to bed feeling sick. Jason tried to cheer me up by saying that maybe we are on the path to having multiples with the clomid, and by reminding me that yes, he did say that and he thinks it would be a huge blessing. But we were able to get to have some fun. And I was able to get back to feeling almost normal. Reminded of who I am, part of what makes me...me...not infertile but fertility challenged...not nearly as bad as others I know but certainly not content with the situation.

And maybe, that's the problem.

And yet I'm still hopeful...always hopeful...knowing something will happen in the future. No idea what or when, but something. And I know that God sees more than I do. God knows why yesterday wasn't a good day to get a positive test. I don't. But I trust Him. He knows. And I'm okay with that.

And of course, I had to take another test when i woke up. The eternal optimist said that it was because it wasn't FMU...so if I take a test in the morning, one day later, it will be be more accurate than the one yesterday.

And it was...but not the way the optimist was hoping for.

3 comments:

Andi said...

((((Marie))))

Anonymous said...

Don't know you, just stumbled on your blog. WOW - this describes almost exactly what I went through this past month. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one with these crazy "fertility-challenged" thoughts and attempts at rationalization. And trusting that God has a plan in the process. Still trying for our first. Two m/c on Clomid, 3rd round of clomid was a no-go. (But I was SO sure I was pregnant!!!) haha. June is almost here, good luck on the Clomid yourself!

Anonymous said...

Don't know you, just stumbled on your blog. WOW - this describes almost exactly what I went through this past month. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one with these crazy "fertility-challenged" thoughts and attempts at rationalization. And trusting that God has a plan in the process. Still trying for our first. Two m/c on Clomid, 3rd round of clomid was a no-go. (But I was SO sure I was pregnant!!!) haha. June is almost here, good luck on the Clomid yourself!