Thursday, June 02, 2011

One Year Ago Today - Part 6: Memorial Service #1

This is part 6 of my "One Year Ago Today" series.  I had a severely injured ankle,, my best friend and husband's grandfather died on the same day, our car broke down, we were notified our foster kids were going home, and my husband left to travel to our hometown 1500 miles away as my my flew in to visit.  We were hanging in there, but not on our own strength.
My best friend's memorial service was scheduled for Thursday evening - 6pm I believe though honestly I don't remember.  I suppose I could look at the program which is still sitting on my kitchen counter top.  I just can't put it away.  I don't remember what we did all day but I remember it being a fairly relaxing day with my family.  Maybe we went to eat.  Maybe we did something.  It's funny - I usually have a great memory but some of these details I just don't remember at all because I was living in such a fog at the time.  I do remember that I had run out of my Narcolepsy medication that helps me stay alert and because of all that was going on I hadn't managed to pick-up a new prescription.  I believe i had it on auto-refill but when we moved our phone number changed - they couldn't call me, I never called them to check, and it slipped my mind.  That didn't help the fogginess.  Being without that medication definitely keeps me slower in the mental department - they say I'm "awake" only about 50-60%.  I don't know any different aside from being on medication.

I was simultaneously dreading and looking forward to the memorial service.  I didn't want to go without my husband.  I didn't want to have to go at all - I wanted her back.  I knew what would be brewing regarding the custody of her son and I didn't want all that to have to happen.  I didn't want him to have to be without his mother.  I didn't want my son to have to be without him.  I wanted her to be there with me as we went through life.  I didn't want her to die.

I do remember "taking time for me" that day.  I took a nice long hot shower before getting ready for the service.  I gave my head/hair a hot-olive oil treatment that was a bit too hot and burned my scalp.  But still...I took as long as I wanted to in the shower, though showering wasn't easy with my ankle being in the shape it was in.  Neither was shaving, particularly in the shower.  I had no ability to stand on one leg and no ability to rest that same leg on the bench in my shower resting on my ankle so I could shave it.  I believe I sat in the shower to take care of it.  But the shower was good.  I wanted my husband to be with me.

The service itself was very good.  My sister went with me - she was friends with Stephanie too but also wanted to be there with me.  In her casket was our son's t-ball picture.  They took it together because her son didn't want to do it by himself but did it with Logan.  There was a picture slide show.  Many many of the pictures had our families together.  I was so grateful when her family invited me to sit with them in the family section.  Stephanie and I were close like sisters.  I was there for her and she was equally there for me.  We were in contact with each other daily.  But technically we weren't family and I know her family grieves her loss as their daughter/sister/mom and I am after all just a friend - it was wonderful for them to acknowledge our relationship as it was. 

I didn't speak but many people did - I didn't need to.  It was so good to see how many people showed up for her service and how mnay people she touched.  After one person spoke in particular, the son of a famous athlete, I finally got how/why she did what she did for a living.  It made the picture for me complete (before that I always told her that I couldn't imagine doing what she did, which had to do with facing death on a daily basis).  I got it.  Finally.  And there couldn't have been a better fit for her I think now. 

My heart still hurts for my lost friend but her memory remains beautiful in my heart and though it was painful to "bury" her, I was so glad to have had her friendship for the 5 1/2 years I knew her. 

I did wish my husband was there.  I missed him.

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