Monday, January 11, 2010

The Disclaimer for 2010

I once wrote a disclaimer and vowed it would be my only one. I guess I'm writing another. It will be like the first one, but since that was about labor and pregnancy and all things women and this one is about, well, not that, I've made some changes. If you are interested in that, please find it here:

One and Only Disclaimer

Here's the thing. I'm still not too fond of disclaimers on blogs. Not on my blog anyway. I'm afraid that disclaimers make things less serious or like I'm excusing my behavior...maybe they water down the message. The problem is that with the topics on my blog and its place in my life as my journal, you get to see pieces of me that aren't pleasant. I'm not always happy. I'm not always cheerful. I'm not always excited about what is going on in my life or how things happen. Typically, those are the times that I need to get my feelings out. Coincidentally those are often the times I need someone behind me holding me up too. And, for those of you who are interested, you can follow along if you wish. This is not always pleasing to those who read.

Back in the day (when I wrote the original disclaimer) the problem was with my presenting my thoughts about natural childbirth and pregnancy. This offended people, not necesarily because it should, but because by me writing down my opinions, it automatically insinuated that I thought if others didn't do what I say then I thought you were less than me. Of course that's not true and I discussed that in my other post.

In the same way, this is my heart on my sleeve here people. I do not force my way into other people's lives with my thoughts and feelings. more on that here Instead, I use my blog as an outlet for my thoughts and feelings and if you are interested in listening you can choose to or not. For that reason you won't see me calling anyone very often to chat about the same stuff I put on my blogs. Why? Not because I don't want to confront things head on or because I don't care but because I assume other people are at least half as busy as I am, if not more busy, and therefore if they have a heart to reach out to me based on what is in my blog they can choose to, or not.

Nevertheless my blog is not my method of communicating with others. I don't use it like a lot of people do where its to update friends and family on their life. You don't see a lot of pictures of how my son is developing or how we are as a family. Yes, it serves that purpose sometimes, but only as a by-product of the real journal. I could keep this journal private. Some would question whether journaling publicly is helpful. I don't know whether it is or not. I guess it doesn't matter. For me it is. It's helpful for me to come to my blog and put down what I'm feeling. It's just where I keep the thoughts in my head. Because, again, I'm an extravert and if I don't want to push my way into someone's life to make them listen to me in an IRL conversation, I can "speak" here, even if I'm the only one listening. It's a way for me to capture where I am in life. I plan to be able to look back (as I have been able to over time) over my life and see the journey.

I know some of you have heard Anne Frank's sister's speach or at least heard about it where she did needlepoint the whole time and used that needlepoint as an illustrative point. The whole time, as she speaks, the only thing the audience could see was the big old mess she was creating on the back side of the art work. It's only at the end when you can see the true beauty of the end result.

That's what that is here, folks. My big ol' mess. I'm not perfect and I don't expect anyone else to be. In fact, there are two really fundamental things that you have to know about me.

1) I always play the devil's advocate role. I always make the assumption of goodwill about others...meaning that I believe they meant well even if the end result didn't turn out to be pleasant. Although I know this isn't theologically correct, or at least I think it isn't, I believe that people want to be good. I choose to believe that even though I know it's not true. So, when I feel I'm "wronged" by someone else, I always assume they didn't mean was an accident...they didn't know was an wasn't intentional.

That doesn't mean it didn't happen though and that it didn't hurt.

And, for the purpose of this blog that's important. This is my place to record my hurts as well as my super celebrations for good things. More often hurts...because I don't usually need to "journal" about the good things. I think that's true of most folks though with their journals. So, I record the things that hurt me and how it made me feel. That doesn't mean I assume that others are bad or that others intended to hurt me. I have little hurts in here and big hurts. And they will all stay here. Because that's how I roll. Just kidding...but because this is my journal. I don't know anyone (then again I've never asked) who goes back in their journal to tear out pages. Maybe that's healthy? I don't know. Maybe I should? I don't know. But at this point I don't think so.

2) I always think things can get better. Truth is...hope and faith is something so ingrained in me. It's why I keep on coming back for more regardless of the responses I get (in life, not just in blogging). I don't believe in letting things be...well sometimes, but not most of the time. What's that saying...when you are going through hell don't stop...and...then there's this analogy about how when others are going through hell you love them enough not to leave them there. Something like that. That's how I feel and believe with all of my soul. I am ALWAYS looking at myself to see how I can improve and how I can be more like Christ. Always. Always. To the point that I always think that no matter what other people are doing I can do something to change and therefore in most circumstances I can help change the situation. (which is partly why IF is so hard...can't do anything!)

So, I won't just let things be...I won't smile and pretend that everything is ok when its not. That doesn't mean I won't love, in the active sense. I'll still reach out. I'll still keep trying. I'll still be praying and loving and not hardening my heart. That's one thing that makes me different (in my eyes anyway)...many people hurt and put up a wall...I hurt and still reach out...sometimes facing more hurt because I don't want to let things be. And I don't believe in mediocrity. I don't believe we're called as Christians to just let things be. I believe we are specifically designed "for such a time as this" so that when we see something wrong we first pray, then reach out and do something. And so, to my dying breath I will be doing that. Yes, sometimes there is a place for stepping back and "just praying". And yes, the method you choose to "do something" is important...for example I don't see the value in attacking character but instead to shed light on what I believe to be an "unknown" situation (see #1), acknowledge how it made me felt, telling how I think it should be done...then move on. The ball is in the other court then, so to speak, as I keep praying and loving.

I'm not perfect. Don't think I am. Don't pretend to be. I'm a human just like anyone else and will stumble and fall. You'll see a lot of this on this blog. If it offends you or hurts you...I'm sorry and that will never be my intention...please feel free to call me on it. If you think I'm off-track or off-base and want to let me know...that's ok. I'd rather that than heading down the wrong-path...not for a minute or a day but for eternity. If it looks like I'm struggling and it's depressing to read, I understand. But please realize that I'm an open book and I prefer it that way...I don't hide things...never have never will as I don't think that helps #1 or #2 above...what you see is what you get, if you're interested in looking, and I process externally. Some people think "I'm so smart" and I should be able to think through everything I do and know exactly how it's going to effect others. That's just not the case. I throw ideas out there all the time and I expect people to say yay or nay accordingly. That's just how I am.

So, for all who have responded to say in the past or in the future that I'm not a Christian or that I don't love or that I'm selfish or not a leader or stuck up or that I'm wrong or that I'm not trying to be like Christ or that I'm dissapointing or that I'm offensive, way out of line, critical, judgmental, inconsiderate, attacking, thoughtless, cold-hearted, rude, envious, and a myriad of other things...

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I've left you feeling that way. I really am. I hope that my blog gives you a little taste of who I am and what I'm going through, if you're interested to follow along this journey with me, and, hopefully, at the end I'll be more like Christ than when I started.

I'm human...that's all I can say.

1 comment:

Melissa said...

I like how you have gone above and beyond to explain yourself again to so many people in soooo many different ways! You are CRAZY and I am loving it! If anything, in this New Year, you have begun by allowing everyone who has thrown a dart at you and pierced you (whether on purpose or not) to see the stitches you are prepared to sow with them! GO GIRL! That is definitely the love of Christ that needs to be shown everyday! I can see you giving everyone the benefit of the doubt and loving them despite your differences. Family is always the hardest and the best critics and if you can handle family (all the extensions) than you have a head start on so many other situations that may come your way.....In my professional and unetiquetted opinion! I know I am not family in the biological since but by the Blood of Christ I am your sista!!!! I will continue prayers, love, and support to all of you as the three may become like the loaves and fish in the Bible. Well, maybe not that many, but if God wanted it.............