Thursday, January 22, 2009

Hanging on

I'm still here everyone.



Let me start out by saying that the reason I haven't been here was MOSTLY because I spent a great deal of time resting and playing with my son and family over the break. Oh...that was wonderful. Only one day I woke up at 4:30am...this was because I had a little boy who though tit would be fun to wake up so early. It wasn't. But it turned out well as we made our first trip to the zoo later that day. No, he didn't take a nap. But it was fun anyway.



Every other day I woke up at 9:45am or so...woohoo!!! I felt really rested.



But then I went back to work. Immediately I was faced with my real world again. We had planned on one thing happening as we went back...it seems the plan was changed on me over the holidays but I wasn't made aware. This started my downward spiral and really was a rude awakening. So was 5 am that morning.



And it continued...working to reinstate the original plan (which, by the way, takes a great deal of effort and was required for my sanity). Then, as soon as I got that done, I was asked to come into my bosses office for a surprise appointment the next day.



Ugh...it turned out to be a good thing (?). She was offering me a promotion. It comes with more than a 10% pay increase and an annual bonus increase. Sounds great right? It is a major switch in focus than what I had planned...it is taking me a completely different direction than I was expecting and than I've been involved with. And there is no one qualified or willing to take my spot. So, as my bosses boss told me on Monday...it will likely be 4-6 months before we fill the position (because we'll be looking for the right candidate). *sigh*

The problem (?) is that I just can't do something half way. While many, many people would be able to just drop the old job and let someone else deal with it, I can't do that. I just can't. There are things that I've committed to or have been working on over the last year that I want to make sure get done...right. And I've really had a great opportunity to change things for the better in SO many different ways. My role directly or more closely dealt with that before...I'm not sure how much my new role will deal with that, so I don't want to let go of that responsibility as I let go of the tasks of my old job. It's hard to explain.

And then there is school. Can I tell you how school has gone so far (and its only been in semester for a week!)? It started out by losing a scholarship because someone lost my paperwork saying that I accepted it (really?)...I called and called throughout the semester to check on things but didn't get any response until the last week of the semester (when I owed $500 for the scholarship) and finally hear that I need to prove that I sent it...how do you prove that you sent a fax from a fax machine at your work (a large corporation) eight months ago? (let me tell you...its impossible...especially because that fax machine has since been replaced)...so it took a while for me to come up with the money...meaning I couldn't register until the day school started...the next day, while I was at class (the last day to pay...) I had planned to get to class early to pay for classes, but there were several early afternoon accidents and it took a long time to get there...during class I got the message that one of my classes was canceled...which is devastating because I'm in the middle of residency which means I have to do 2 semesters in a row full-time and I needed that class, otherwise would have to start over again. which isn't an option. So instead of paying the tuition on the break, I was rushing to figure out what class I was taking (i was already taking an independant study because none of my other classes were available, and, because registration was closed for the semester) now since the other was canceled. On the way home from class (9:30pm...after everything else so far)...the darn blackberry gave me the message that my classes were cancleed because I hadn't paid tuition. Don't forget registration was already closed and I need to take full-time otherwise I have to start full-time year over. Shear panic and depression. The rest of the night I was contemplating whether this was my sign that I need to quit.

The next day I was able to call and they told me I had to come down there by 4:30 pm to speak to the academic dean...not only do I not know who or what that is, nor could anyone tell me on the phone, and, don't forget...I'm working 2 full-time jobs that are extremely stressful and I had a full agenda that day. I had to drop everything, last minute, postpone several meetings, then drive up there, meet with a crazy number of people I didn't know, and 3 I did. But I had to wait 3 hours to speak to the last one. By the end of the day I was tired and all cried out.

Oh, I forgot to mention that because my classes were dropped, the one class I had "for sure" from the beginning was full and someone else got the spot I left behind. Fun huh?

It all got worked out. I'm tired. I'm drained. I'm frustrated. I'm almost never a negative person...I almost always see the glass half-full. Right now though..I'm not there.

I'm doing my best to be grateful...and I'm having more and more minutes and hours where I'm back to me, but I'm less resilient to bad stuff. I'm worn down.

Oh...did I mention when I got back to the office Friday I thought I'd have a great day catching up and getting things started right? That was, of course, until lunch when one of my best friends collapsed and at points I thought she was going to die in my arms. Yeah. It sucked.

So, please, forgive me for being depressing and stressed and absent for a little while. I'll get back to being "myself"...but isn't there something about when I am weak He is strong? Then, as Paul says, to God be the glory...for me to live is Christ, to die is gain..., so let Christ grow in me now when I myself am nothing. The day before my friend became ill she was encouraging me and I told her something along the lines that I know that in situations like this, when I'm just beaten down, it becomes obvious to me if no one else that it is Christ who provides for me and cares for me and gives me everything I need...it is not about me...I just keep moving, trying to go His direction, and He'll do the rest.

Sometimes I need humbled.

4 comments:

Mandi said...

Surely there is something I can do?! I'm sorry it's been rough lately .... but it sounds like you have a good attitude about it! I'm impressed that you didn't just throw in the towel. Hang in there girl!

The Kings said...

Wow, I don't really know what to say to all of that! I am praying for you and if there is anything I can do to help please let me know.

Monkey Momma said...

Marie, I'm so sorry. Any of those things alone is enough. But all at the same time is a monster. Like Mandi, I'd have thrown in the towel much earlier. So don't apologize for having a hard time with things. We're your friends, we will love you, we will pray over you, and encourage where we can.

Tomorrow is a new day. I'm praying for you to have peace and rest tonight.

amelia said...

Wow! It has been a while since I checked in with you. That sounds super stressful. I hope your friend is okay now. Is your second full time job related to the residency? What are you doing your residency in?