Tuesday's Tears - Mie, the Trauma Survivor

I know I haven't finished the introductions.  You still need to meet (or be introduced to) my oldest two kids.  I'll get back there I promise but I needed to stop and be very real with you all before I continue on this journey.  I'm extremely nervous to do so and intend to share enough at this point for you to understand what's going on around here without adding any additional stress to the situation.

Meet the newest trauma survivor in our family:

Our pastor has been going through a fantastic sermon series this year about real life and it's issues.  In one of the first messages on depression he stated the two most challenging things (stressful, painful, depressing, etc.) were the loss of a significant loved one (spouse, parent, child, sibling) and the loss of a job.  I sat there sobbing, like most other days at church recently, knowing that I'd experienced both within a week.

Most people in my life are aware that I was unexpectedly laid-off on 1/13/16.  As the primary breadwinner (80%) for a family of 8 you can imagine how drastic an impact that has been for us in so many ways.  We're very grateful for the faithful friends and family who heard the news and jumped in with encouragement and support.  A bunch of colleagues have reached out to show their love for mie.  I can tell many of them are worried about mie and my family.  They show concern and compassion.  They express disbelief.  Only a handful know the full picture - that this major life-changing event came just 8 days after my world fell apart.

My world fell apart.  That is not an exaggerative statement.  I'm not yet at a place where I can talk about it all freely with a sense of peace that I'd like to have someday.  That day I sat in the middle of the shampoo/conditioner aisle at Walgreens staring at the various bottles for 45 minutes.  I walked into an upscale salon at 6:30pm bawling and begging to take a shower in their steam shower, I'd pay whatever it cost (bless them for hugging mie, walking mie back to the shower, and letting mie stay "as long as I wanted" for free).  I found "whatever" counselor was available to talk to mie at our church's counseling office in the middle of the afternoon so I could get enough wherewithal to make it home for my babies that night without allowing my trauma-induced overflow to spill all over my sweet kiddos. 

1/5/16.  I could have never prepared for that day even if I'd tried.  A normal day by all accounts, getting back into the swing of things after the holiday break.  While looking for a file of foster/adopt conference presentations I offer to send to a friend putting together a large event, I came across an email, the contents of which were completely unexpected.  And devastating.  And not even remotely close to the worst of what was to come. 

Ultimately, through the day and over the next several weeks I learned about the true state of my marriage.  What I thought was a normal, mostly-happy marriage was anything but and more precisely was an all-too-carefully created image of deceit.  I learned that our marriage was infested (yes, that's the right word) with infidelity.  I have still yet to have full disclosure (a formal process in the se*ual addiction recovery process) so I do not pretend to know the full truth of it all but with what I do know at this point I can confidently say this has been "here" since well before we were married.  I'm sure I'll get into this more over time but for now the point is that this is my reality and it's left mie broken (as expected).  I was also gifted with actual PTSD.

Recap - In the first few days of the new year I lost my marriage (as I knew it), my husband (as I knew him), my understanding of my family/faith/beliefs/knowledge, and my sanity (as I knew it).  Just over a week later I lost my job, 80% of my family's income, my health insurance (and access to mental health treatment and the awesome recovery treatment my husband needs), my place away from my kids for a bit each day, friends & support network, and the general feeling of security that someone might have after working for the same company very successfully for nearly 14 years.  I also lost my legal program which gave mie easy access to some of the best attorneys in our area, most of whom I know well and could have called within minutes had I wanted to.  Losing my job also meant an ungodly amount of paperwork and legwork necessary to just keep things afloat like getting daily-required medication in the first couple weeks of a new year for my 3 special needs kids who needed a new primary insurance with secondary foster-care medicaid while I had very little coping skills and surety about my life.  And PTSD.  Just as an example.

Within a matter of days my entire life changed.  I am now a SAHM trying to figure out what the flip is next on 20% of the income we used to live on with my preschoolers going to school part-time.  Where I had a sense of control and really succeeding in life, being on the "right track", having a safe and secure family and marriage with a pretty awesome career, I now have just enough for today.  I'm in a bit of a desert, like Moses and the Israelites.  I have no idea what's coming.  I have no idea where my marriage will go.  I have no idea where my career will go.  I don't know what our financial situation will turn into.  I just don't know.

To add to the fun our second car has completely died.  We're now living as a family of 8 with daily therapy, 3 schools, activities, multiple special-needs dr appointments, with one car.  Then the microwave caught fire because, you know...they do that.

Let me not leave this post without sharing the ray of hope.  God had been preparing mie for change for a while.  I didn't expect this, but I knew something was coming so that alone has shown that God is here.  And He is.  He's provided for us in ways I keep learning every day and I'll struggle for the rest of my life to adequately describe.  My husband is in therapy.  I am too.  No promises, but I'm committed to walk the path toward wholeness and reconciliation, learning to trust God like no other time in my entire life.  I've been surrounded by just what I need from friends and family.  The church we moved to in the last year is unbelievably equipped to support our family in ways we wouldn't have even known to look for when we were called to move about a year ago.  God has given mie a new vision for my career (it's really, really fuzzy right now, but there...).  If nothing else right now I know that God is here, that He will never leave mie, that He loves mie.  He is my advocate and my defender.  I can rest in Him despite what seems to be unbelievable chaos around mie.

And that's exactly what I'm doing.

Plans for the Future - I need your help

Hello blog friends!

I'm currently working on revamping my blog.  A lot has happened in my life in the past few months and basically everything has changed.  (What else would you expect from someone who runs a blog called "Letting go of Mie"?)

As an example, I'm no longer a working mom.  This alone is giving mie more time to work on my blog and other personal and professional interests.  I'm excited about (most of) these changes and look forward to sharing them with you as well as getting back in touch with my reader community. Look for big changes to format and resources here soon but I assure you the real Mie will still be the voice behind the blog.

Letting go of Mie has been around for about 9 years, actively blogging for about 7.  Many of you have been here since the beginning and I've been honored to share my life with you for so long. Others have come along for the ride more recently when a post or as friends have shared.  I'm grateful to have been there for you as you've needed answers or encouragement in some of life's crazier situations.  You all have been a great part of my life.

Here's where I'd love your help.  Would you please drop a comment or send mie an email (see the Contact Mie tab above) letting mie know what you'd like to see from mie in the future.  What topics would you like mie to write about?  Do you have questions I can answer for you? How else would you like mie to stay in touch (Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, etc.)?  Let mie know!

Look forward to seeing you soon.

Oh...and by the way we do not have the baby yet.  We're still in a legal case about it.

Surprise Changes and Request for Prayers

Hello Everyone -
Our lives continue to be interesting as always.  About the time we were celebrating the first anniversary of adoption day we learned that there was a new biological sibling getting ready to enter this world.  And thus, that quick, we're unexpectedly back into cases and courts.  I cannot share any information at this time other than to say we do not have this baby in our care, we have a HUGE uphill battle to fight if he ever will be, and would desperately like to parent him because he is family.  He's our children's brother and they all deserve a chance to be raised together.  Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we try to reunite our kids.
Mie

Guest Post: Back to School Safety Tips with Mario Cattabiani

This year Summer started Kindergarten at the public elementary school.  The special education process for her was overly hellish, so much so that we needed to hire an attorney just to get her the basic services she needed.  One service we insisted on was transportation provided by the special education bus to help keep her safe.  I remembered how one of my other children who was remarkably capable and intelligent ended up being abused on the regular school bus for nearly a year before we found out and through all of the district's fight against transportation for Summer it left a terror in my heart that she would face significant danger if left to ride the school bus with the other children.  For some reason, the district fought this service hard to the point that at 2:30pm on the first day of school I had to rush home to pick her up lest she be left to wander off the school campus or be sent to ride a school bus she wasn't equipped to ride.

Our children cannot protect themselves.  As much as we want to try they need our help and yet as parents we know we can't be with them every minute of every day.  It is often an agonizing situation especially for those of us with large families.  For that reason, I want to share this guest post with you on Back-to-School Safety Tips from Mario Cattabiani at Ross Feller Casey, LLP.  We can all use a good reminder and maybe you'll get a new bit or two to add to your family system.  

Back to School Safety Tips

Parents throughout history have been tasked with the monumental role of raising children, teaching them right from wrong, and doing their best to keep them safe and healthy. An unfortunate reality for today’s parents is that it is becoming increasingly more difficult to ensure the safety of their children. With predators lurking behind the computer screen, bullies in the school highways and individuals completing acts of violence on innocent bystanders, safety is not something that can be taken for granted.

One of the primary concerns for parents these days boils down to this simple question – “How can I keep my child safe, even when I am not around?”

Parents and guardians relinquish control when their children are off at school or hanging out with their friends. Fortunately, there are still ways for them to play an active role in keeping their children safe.

Talk About School

It is extremely important for parents to maintain an open line of communication with their children, and an easy way to get the ball rolling is to simply ask them about their day. Find out how their classes are going, and ask about the other kids that they encounter each day. There is a good chance that they won’t want to come right out and say they are being bullied, but that shouldn’t stop the conversation. Ask if there are any other kids being bullied or if there is anything at all going on that is making them feel uncomfortable.

Additionally, parents should be conscious of any changes in behavior or attitude. Warning signs may include loss of friends, a drop in grades or not wanting to go to school. While parents may not be able to prevent the bullying from happening, they can make an intentional effort to know what is going on. Knowledge is power, so parents can then teach their children how to deal with the bullies or remove them from the situation.

Keep Technology Out in the Open

The internet is the gateway for both information and trouble. With new software and apps being released constantly, it can be overwhelming for parents to stay up-to-date on what their children are doing. One way to help combat this divide is to keep computers, tablets and phones out in the open. Kids are less likely to get themselves into sticky situations during “homework time” when they know that their parents have full access to what they are doing online.

Kids should be educated about proper internet use. By educating them about the risk of talking to strangers online and how easy it is for information to spread, parents and guardians can help prevent a dangerous situation from occurring.

Make a Plan

It is easy to control the schedules and activities of young children, but things can get a little trickier once they are teenagers and driving on their own. Parents should sit down and make a plan with their kids so there aren’t any surprises throughout the day. Establish when they will be heading to school, who will be riding with them, when they will leave school and how they will get permission to do anything once the school day is over.

Obviously, just having a plan in place won’t prevent all accidents from happening. But when parents have a say in where there kids are going and who they are going there with, a greater emphasis is placed on safety.

As much as they would like to, parents cannot keep their children safe from everything. Fortunately, with proper communication and education, parents can stay on top of what is going on in the lives of their children and make their best effort to guide them from unsafe situations.

Mario Cattabiani is a father of two and the Director of Communications at Ross Feller Casey, LLP.

Letting Go of Mie Disclaimer: Though we hired an attorney to help us with Summer's ARD process neither I nor my family have any personal or business relationship with Ross Feller Casey, LLP or any of its employees. No legal service or compensation was provided as a result of this post.  Though I personally believe these tips are smart no reasonable effort will guarantee your child is safe at all times and this blog does not make any endorsements as such :)

Evan

Now there's Baby Baby, Little Sister, and Summer.  Next in Line is Evan.  Evan is our middle boy, now 7.  He's spunky and wild and nothing really like Logan and Aaron.  He's a spitfire for sure but he's got a heart of gold that's been scarred by repeated rejection.

For the 6 months we tried to get the siblings into our home, while they lived in a shelter, Evan was always held as the reason why they didn't want to rush anything.  He struggled significantly at the shelter and in other locations where CPS saw him.  He was aggressive during visits.  He tried to run away from visits.  He tried to run away after visits, at the shelter.  He screamed and yelled and raged.  CPS (and CASA) seriously questioned whether it was the best option to add 3 kids to our home, making the total kid count 6, given one of them had these more serious behavior challenges.  There were times people would talk and say "he can only go with them IF he stays at a basic level", meaning there was serious talk that they would move him to a moderate level of care due to his behavior.

Evan is the one we all said "didn't have any more moves".  There was serious talk about needing to place him in a residential facility at some point.  He was 5 at the time.

Nothing meant more to me than to have all of my kids together under one roof and to pursue adopting them if reunification couldn't occur.  That being said, honestly, I was scared they would put the kids with us.  I'd faced two RADlets in the past and I knew it was a possibility Evan would face a Reactive Attachment Disorder in the future.  And we'd have 5 other kids to raise, young ones.  I saw the possibility that we'd see all of the things that a kid with RAD could bring in a large family, chaos and harm.  I knew I didn't want to go down that path again.  I knew, especially after visits and overnights and weekends that adding RAD would possibly be the straw that broke the camels back.  We pursued anyway for the sake of all the kids, but I was really nervous.

I also considered what would happen if we didn't fight for them to stay together in our home.  The argument CPS made was "How are you going to handle HIM when you have 6 kids"?  My argument back was "How is a parent with no experience going to handle HIM and 3 others (assuming they didn't have any other kids, therefore no experience) or how is an older parent (whose kids are grown, therefore experience but no other kids) going to be able to have the energy to parent HIM and 3 other young siblings?  In reality, other than separating the kids, there wasn't a great option and we knew we were at least in the running for best chance for everyone.  We had experience.  We were young.  We had resources.  If anyone could do this, we could.

Granted, this is all before Summer began having challenges like she does today.

He was a challenge, but the more time went on the more we realized his aggression and instability was less about chemical imbalance or biological causes and more about the trauma he'd experienced in his young life.  He'd never had a stable environment, learned to act out to get any attention, took the antithetical approach to his sister's need for perfection, and had very little trust that adults would stick around to love him through it.  He missed the familiarity of the chaos he'd had in his former life so he did his best to create it at our home.  He missed his father and cousins and didn't know how to identify that emotion or what to do with it.  Any type of correction sent him into a rage with horrible screaming and flailing.  He'd hurt himself (unintentionally) during the rages and then say stuff indicating we'd hurt him, even if we weren't anywhere around.  He was wild and out-of-control.

Except he wasn't.  He could sometimes control himself, with help.  As we learned more about what he was dealing with inside, we learned we could help him avoid the rage by reassuring him we love him and that we're not going to hurt him.  We did our best to show him we weren't going to leave him or stop loving him when he does something wrong but we weren't going to tolerate it either.  We had a therapist come work with him for a long while.

Slowly but surely he began to turn the corners.  He began to learn to control his emotions a little more like his age should, rather than like a child significantly younger.  They sometimes say a child can get developmentally stuck, especially emotionally, in the age of their trauma and that was true for Evan.  He was 5, then 6 but emotionally he was 3.  Evan was on Risperidone, an anti-psychotic sometimes used to control aggression, when he first came to live with us.  About 8 weeks after coming to live with us we took him off.  He didn't need it.  He needed love, consistency, firmness, and a resolute approach to parenting that said we were here for the long haul and we aren't leaving.

God continues working on him (and us).  He had very challenging behavior in the classroom in Kindergarten.  Some hitting and "kicking under the table" but more not listening or paying attention, goofing off and being a bit of the class clown.  He'd do irritating stuff all the time, like intentionally cutting his uniforms or lying about his lunch to get a different one.  In 1st grade though, a year after being with us, his behavior was completely different.  He still struggled academically in the classroom but he wasn't a behavior problem at all, except some of those irritating things like lying about his lunch.  He was recently diagnosed with ADD and medication was added.  It's worked wonders for him.  It's also opened a door to a wonderful friendship and bond with Logan.  Logan never tolerated his bad behavior.  Where Evan was emotionally 3, Logan is well advanced for his age and just couldn't handle the "weird" stuff Evan did.  This summer though it's different.  They're friends.  They're separated right now (one in CA visiting family) and you can tell how much they miss hanging out with each other.  Logan even cried before leaving "because he was going to miss Evan".

  

  

  

Evan, we love you so much.  You're a survivor.  You've pushed through so much and you're so brave even though you don't really know it yet.  You're incredibly strong and a gifted athlete.  You are silly and have learned to entertain yourself in so many interesting ways!  You love your family and desperately want them to love you back.   I pray that as you grow you  FEEL the love everyone has for you, that you become comfortable in your own skin, proud of who God has made you to be.  You have your own unique talents, gifts, and abilities with a great purpose.  You're loved just for who you are, not only by mie but by your dad and your Heavenly Father as well.  Life is not going to be easy.  Keep trying.  Keep pushing.  You've made such great progress these past 2 years and I'm excited to watch as your journey continues.

Summer

So you've now learned the "real" identity of Baby Baby and Little Sister.  The next in line at our home, youngest to oldest, is Summer.  As a reminder, for those of you new here or at least since her adoption, she was adopted in 2011 after a year+ placement in foster care and is not part of the recent sibling group we adopted in 2014.  Summer has two siblings that do not live with us.  One lives with his biological mother and one lives with his adoptive parents.  We keep in contact with the latter of the two (Hello!).

Summer was a perfectly "normal" child when we adopted her.  (Here's her introduction after adoption day).  She struggled developmentally but only slightly, as if she was always one-small-step behind everyone else.  When she was 2 she struggled with potty training and toddler behaviors (biting, etc.).  When she was 3 and her peers started to develop further, learning critical social skills and starting to mature a bit like preschoolers do, Summer's delays became more pronounced. She did not continue maturing like the other children did.  Her behavior seemed to be the most obvious issue as she was more and more aggressive (or, really, her toddler aggression never stopped), she never sat still, she ran out of the class, and still didn't master potty-training.  She attended a great school that required strict adherence to rules, didn't reward expected behavior, and actually taught the preschoolers.  This was great for our oldest and he excelled here but wasn't working out for Summer.  We withdrew her before she was kicked-out and found a program willing to work with her and her needs.  At the time, Summer was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder, all areas, and was "the worst case of sensory defensiveness" the therapist had ever seen.  She attended therapy 2x a week at a fantastic facility at our cost of $160 per week.  It helped, but after a year they acknowledged they felt they'd reached the end of what they could offer her.  By her 5th birthday it was clear Summer was anything but "normal" and parenting her would be (or is, for now) a major challenge.

Summer has been diagnosed with severe disabling ADHD and Cognitive Disorder.  She has been evaluated for High Functioning Autism and her results come back "likely" but with the detailed evaluation she received the doctors believe her Executive Functioning Disorder (leading to ADHD) is causing symptoms of Autism, not the other way around.  I'm not convinced yet we have a final diagnosis but at this time this seems to be most appropriate.  Everyday with Summer is a challenge.  Nearly every minute with her is a challenge, honestly.  (See my open letter).  She cannot be left out-of-sight for any period of time at all and I'm not exaggerating.  On rare occasion we leave her within ear shot (maybe, in the kitchen as I open the front door or use the restroom with the door open so I can clearly hear her) but most of the time we have her within our sight.  This includes bed time - we've moved her into our room.  She does go to daycare and is about to complete the state's preschool program but the preschool program has been a wild failure (in terms of behavior and education) and daycare is only successful because they're very patient with her and understand her special needs.  At this time she's seeing a psychiatrist (and takes 3 medications a day), a behavioral therapist in-home (this guy is no joke and I love his work so far), and will probably start seeing a play-therapist over the summer.  She also needs physical and occupational therapy on a regular basis and will likely be put in a PPCD-type program in the fall (after a YEAR of advocating for her and finally hiring an attorney - apparently the school thinks we're bad parents and are making up her diagnoses to excuse her behavior).

Summer is a beautiful girl.  She loves to dance, be active, and play make-believe.  She also loves posing for pictures, which is fantastic because I get to capture "good" moments like these ones above where she has a genuine smile on her face and appears to be a happy, well-adjusted child.  These moments do exist and I cherish them.

I think pictures like these are more common.  I dunno, maybe they're not.  Looking through my pictures I have a good mix of the types you see above.  Some are great and some show a little bit more of what we're dealing with.  You can see in these pictures a little more of what we see on a regular basis.  Her face has food all over it in one - she literally doesn't care most of the time whether she has food or dirt or anything else on her where it doesn't belong.  This is part of the problem with potty training; she doesn't care one iota if she's wet, at least on the surface.  We all think she cares underneath, that she has no self-confidence or self-esteem.  :(

   

Summer loves adventure.  She loves to hunt for things (on her own terms) and be outdoors.  If she could spend all day outside by herself hunting for bugs and critters she would.  Thankfully, our yard permits that.  Unfortunately, our schedule as a busy family of 8 does not provide the opportunity nearly as much and letting her explore outside of the totally fenced in yard is not an option because she'll wander away.

This is the type of thing Summer does when she doesn't have direct supervision.  She "washed" her hair with toothpaste.  Though this type of behavior is common among 2-3 year olds and maybe explorative older children, it typically fades out as they learn other more productive and "normally accepted" types of play.  Summer has not learned the benefits of "normal" play yet and therefore gets into lots of mischief for her age.  

 Summer loves her siblings and wants to be a good helper, when she wants to be one.  She really wants to do the dishes and liked helping with Aaron when he was younger.  She wants to play with everyone as long as they want to play on her terms.  This is her haircut after Lizzie got hers - she wanted one too.  Shortly after she got less of a bob and more of a shaggy medium/short cut to help cover up all the times she tries to cut her own hair when she comes in contact with scissors.

 

Summer loves posing for pictures.  Here are a few more that show day-to-day life with her.  The second picture is totally normal...she's in a bat girl cape tied around her waste so we can go into Target to buy her new underwear and shorts because we were on the road and she'd wet through several pairs of dry things that morning.  She's got her hat on, a sweatshirt, and no shoes, and she's totally fine with it.  This girl loves adventure and has no interest in helping mom's self-respect taking her into stores like this.  She broke her thumb, slamming it in the door, and though she cried never told us it was hurting until we noticed how unbelievably bad it looked a couple days later.  They put a cast on her, knowing she wouldn't leave it alone for the required 4 weeks.  I'm not sure how close to getting her cast off this last picture is but as you can see, it's disgustingly filthy and you may notice there's not much of the white gauze left around the top - she ate most of it.

Summer, I love you so much and I love those moments  before you go to sleep where I can have a heart-to-heart with you to remind you how much I love you and how much I'm going to continue to fight for you.  I pray God will heal you and help you recover from the last few years.  You're going to soar Summer.  Keep your adventurous spirit and may your love of life be rounded out with joy, all the time, whether you get what you want or not.  You're beautiful sweetheart.  I pray we're able to tell you always and forever how much you mean to us and that you're able to hear it through our parenting, even as we're correcting you and coaching you as you grow.

Little Sister

I tried to look back at my blog to see if I ever referred to each of my kids by blog names.  If I could, I couldn't remember them or find them at all so forgive mie if I don't make a connection here.  Our family now consists of three boys and three girls, so today's update is about the youngest of the three girls who, if I haven't used the term before, fits "Little Sister" to a T.

    

Ok, this girl.  Let me tell you.  Her name is Lizzie.  She'll correct you in her 4-ness and tell you she is Elizabeth OR Lizzie, and then frequently tell you she wants to be called Elizabeth, with the incomplete "th" sounding like an "f". She loves Frozen, princesses, dolls, dress-up, pretend play, and anything imaginative.  

She was a few months from turning 3 when they came to live with us, almost 2 years ago now.  It's such an odd thing to consider now that Aaron is this age.  Her hair used to be down to the middle of her back but she desperately wanted it cut about a year ago, hence what you see above.  It's grown back out now, about to her shoulders, which is EXACTLY what she wants now that she knows all about Rapunzel.
 

    

This girl has attitude.  She's got a flair for fashion and creates all sorts of "looks", including the facial-expression kind on the right.  We get these looks from her daily, at least.  When she gets caught doing something she knows she's not supposed to do she freezes up and won't respond to your questions. She has this stare though...the one that says...I am very mad at you right now.  It's not a morning unless Lizzie has cried.  Nevertheless, we get a lot of  comments on how BEAUTIFUL this one is.  We're working to make sure our insides are as beautiful as our outsides :)  She's actually really smart and independent, so we need to make sure we're giving her the attention she needs even though she doesn't "demand it" the same way some of the others do.

 Oh Lizzie - What would we do without you.  I love that you try to read to mie every day in the car and I love that you know exactly how to work your charm to hide your natural impish-ness, even though I won't tell you that now.  It makes me smile.  I know sometimes I won't do things for you and it makes you cry.  It's because I believe in you, even when you don't believe in yourself.  I want you to know how awesome you are in every way, every day.

Baby Baby

Life.  Life happens and it is so unbelievably full in our home right now and as I'm realizing, will be forever, God willing.  (Though I hope for rest and peace and obedient children growing in Truth and Love.  Amen.)

Here I am, as I promised a long time ago, to introduce you one by one to our kiddos.  I'm going to start with the one who's placement in care brought this whole crazy family together.  You've known him for 2 1/2 years as Baby Baby.

His name is Aaron, a name we gave him on adoption day.  As you can see he is no longer a baby. He's talking in full sentences, though you can't always understand him, and is every bit of a two-year-old.  He's very active but loves nothing more than to hang on mommy or daddy, not both - just the one he chooses at that moment.  He can keep up with his brothers and sisters and has learned the art of being louder than them all in order to be heard.  

He is our silliest boy, I think.  Or, at least our silliest one where silly is super-age-appropriate.  He's always doing something to make everyone laugh and he gets a thrill out of it.  He's almost always smiling that big super-happy grin, as you can see.  In the midst of our chaos and the moments of tension/drama in the house he tends to break it up with his crazy antics, super cuddly hugs, or handsome, happy smile.  He loves Cars (especially Mater), trains, and planes.  He's fascinated by motorcycles as well and knows that Papa rides one.

Here are a few of him a bit younger.  Love these.  The one with the paci is him at the hospital...this kid by far has spent the most time in the hospital than any of the other six.  He is seen by several specialists including a cardiologist, orthopedics at Scottish Rite, opthamologist, and a pulmonologist. He has severe asthma (or, at this point it's called Reactive Airway Disease), so any kind of illness hits him pretty hard.  (and boy does he love that paci, though he knows that it must "go to bed" when he wakes up and gets out of his toddler bed.  Yes, we're done with cribs.  *Sniffle*

Oh boy howdy.  How did I forget his love of tractors. 

Aaron, you are such a joy in our lives.  You have such a special role in bringing our family together and you brighten our days.  I can't believe how much you've grown recently and I look forward, every day, to being your mommy.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year everyone!

Life in our house is busy and crazy as usual.  We're currently getting ready to go back to school (and I'm back at work today) after the holiday break.

I wish you and yours a wonderful 2015.

Welcome to the Roller Coaster: Purchase Your Copy Now!

Welcome to the Roller Coaster: Real Life Stories of the Ups and Downs of Foster Care is a compilation of stores from 14 foster moms who got together to help Cherub Mamma as she fought for the safety of her foster children, Dude and Dolly.  For the past two years this group of (mostly) anonymous women, most of whom are still on the roller coaster, have fought through every type of challenge to get this book out so that readers everywhere can have a realistic understanding of life as experienced by foster families.

If you are like most of the people I encounter regularly, foster parenting is something you're intrigued by and are curious about.  You admire others who sign up for the ride and help the children but something keeps you from getting in line.  You wonder how "we" foster parents do it and behind closed doors what "it" really looks like.  This book is for you.

Many of you are on the fence.  You feel maybe, just maybe, you're being called to this life if at least for a time but you haven't quite moved forward because you need a realistic preview of what to expect.  You know not everyone experiences the same thing and every case (and family) is different, but you still wish you could see what really happens before you finally get in line.  This book is for you.

I remember clearly being in foster care classes being taught generic information about what to expect but desperately wanting more.  I wanted to hear from someone about kids they had and how the cases turned out.  I was in line along with my other classmates trying to get licensed, looking at that roller coaster in front of me, eagerly anticipating the first drop and twist and turn that came our way.  I wanted someone who'd been there to share their story with me.  This book would have been for mie and if you're in line, it's for you too.

If you're a foster mom, sometimes you feel alone.  You can't share the details of your case but you really want someone to understand what you're going through.  I get it - that's why I have my blog and so many wonderful friendships built over the years through the blog-o-sphere.  You want someone to relate to while you're on your own roller coaster - this book is for you.

Some of you are on the ride because you were dragged along by a family member or good friend.  You're not a foster parent yourself but the ups and downs, twists and turns are real to you because you're supporting someone else who is riding the ride.  You're a great friend.  You don't have to be going along but God Bless You for being there.  This book is for you, too.

The presale will only be available through 12/14 so place your order here today!

Finally Home Forever

Adoption Day has come and gone.  We're now a happy family of 8, forever, with no more department involvement.  Here we are!

We had a lot of support...

Soon I'll introduce each of them to you one by one.  

My Daughter is THAT Kid

Last week the internet was graced by a piece written by Ann Murray at Miss Night’sMarbles.  As the writer indicates, it challenged the world to “a call to compassion and understanding”.  The blog entry was re-posted over and over again and quickly picked up by mainstream news sources.  Comments showed the article struck a nerve with readers who emphasized their gratitude for teachers who put up with the difficult children and the (possibly) more difficult parents.  The tears I shed each time I read her words only began to display the very raw emotions festering inside me on the topic and I knew a sentence or two on a Facebook post wouldn't suffice in processing my brokenness.  My daughter is THAT kid.

To my fellow mommas:

You know all about my child, at least you think you do.  You can’t miss her (and when she’s gone you DON’T).  You know her name because you've heard us speak it at least 32 times since we entered the store 5 minutes ago or your child has a (generally unpleasant) story about her on a daily basis.  She’s bitten.  She’s pulled her pants down and run around the class.  She’s run across the table tops and then out the door.  She pees her pants daily and sneaks whatever kind-of edible thing she can find even if it came off your plate at your table as we walked by at the restaurant or out of the trash can at the park or out of the treads of the car tire. 

Yes, you know who my child is and you despise her.  I get it.  I really do.  You don’t like that she punched your daughter in the face at dance class.  You’re disgusted that your child now knows the “F” word because my child told the teacher she’s “being an F-er” in the middle of her preschool class.

You don’t want her around, and I understand why.  Though you've never said directly, we've heard you loud and clear.  That time you called the league president when she was uncooperative in baby baseball?  We heard you.  The time she was the only child not invited to the after-season party?  Got it.  When no one came to her birthday party 2 years in a row?  We listened.  When I kept her home from dance and you whispered to each other “maybe she won’t be coming back”.  I've heard you each and every time.

She hears you too.  “No one likes me mommy”, she’s said.  And she was right.  This isn't a low self-esteem pity party she’s throwing.  Since she’s been 3 years old she’s literally had no friends.  Not a single one.

She does it to herself, you’re saying.  And you’re right.  As adults we see her and tell her, now barely 5, just be nice.  Use your hands and feet with love.  Be a good friend.  Listen and obey.  It makes so much sense to us and frankly, to YOUR child.  YOUR child gets it.  How hard could it be?  Just. Be. Nice.

You've formed opinions about her.  About our family.  About me, the mom of the girl who is completely out-of-control.  Here’s what I wish you knew...

Our daughter was neuro-typical once.  After she came home to us at 9 months old and had the chance to start to heal from severe neglect, she seemed “normal” for a while.  It only took her two weeks to smile at all and another year of therapy to catch up to her peers but then she seemed like any other spunky little girl.  On adoption day, just after she turned two, she was so beautiful in her teal dress and pig tails with matching bows.  Her blue eyes sparkled (they still do).  She had normal 2-year-old challenges...potty training, staying in bed, the occasional tantrum at school.  Nothing out of the ordinary to cause alarm. 

In hindsight it didn't last long.  We started noticing things after she turned 3.  She was the only little girl sobbing on the field when she didn't catch the ball.  Potty training wasn't coming along.  Her tantrums started getting worse, not better, and she couldn't sit in her chair at school.  But, you know...”I don’t know why they call it the Terrible Two’s cuz when they’re three...”.

She was kicked out of school twice by the time she was three.  Her allergy laden gut was too much to handle when she was one and her inability to sit calmly and do a worksheet got her at 3.  We finally found a preschool willing to work with her after I walked in a sobbing mess, desperate for someone to WANT my little girl around.

We paid $160 out-of-pocket per week for a year for therapy to help her have a chance at normal.  She didn't qualify for insurance to cover it because her persistence is so great that she was able to pass the assessment even though she had “the worst sensory defensiveness ever seen” in the therapists career.  No wonder, as her therapist said, she had ZERO self-confidence.

I wonder if you ever heard the true story behind why the class fish died.  It wasn't on purpose.  She was trying to make it be quiet.  She knew the fish shouldn't have been telling her “F-er” over and over again but she didn't know how to make it stop.  That’s why she stuffed a whole roll of paper towels in the tank.  The fish didn't like that much.

She doesn't hear that language in our home.  Our home (and family) is actually really conservative and stable.  Upper middle-class, two-parent family, gifted siblings, minimal media exposure...we’re not hiding any secrets or internal strife.  We’re not perfect, but we aren't lacking skills or resources to parent well.

Despite my (educated and experiential) bend toward nature and aversion to most-things-pharmaceutical, our daughter started daily medication.  One led to psychotic episodes in the form of profanity-speaking fish.  The other didn't help.  We’re now on a strict Gluten-Free/Dye-Free diet, waiting for entry into a full psychiatric/psychological evaluation program to see where to go next.

Picking up my child from school is always an adventure.  I open her folder before I see her to see if today was a magical day where she managed to earn a good behavior paw print.  We got to do a celebratory dance 6 times in October upon seeing that pretty paw.  Usually, though, I am greeted with a brief “disrupting the class”, “not minding”, or “poked friend in the eye” instead of a stamp.  Sometimes I’m gifted with a more elaborate note such as “Please talk to your daughter about the importance of listening to the teacher” or “She earned a stamp today only because she had constant supervision”.  I take a deep breath before going into the classroom to get her, at which point I’m usually greeted by a barrage of students peppering me with helpful information like “she peed her pants today”, “she spilled all the paint” or “she killed the fish!” (yes, the same fish from months ago). 

 (In case you’re wondering, I usually thank them for telling me or say something like “Thank you for being a good friend to her even when she has a bad day.  She could really use a good friend like you”.)

There’s so much I could tell you if I had the chance.   I’d tell you how lonely it is not being invited to play dates and birthday parties.  I’d tell you how badly I wish I was in the “in-crowd” again like I was before I had a preschooler with mental illness.  I’d tell you how badly it hurts when you whisper to each other or look at us with scorn. 

I’d tell you how my heart breaks for my other kids who are also rejected from party invites or social opportunities because of their sister’s reputation.  I’d tell you how hard it can be for them sometimes when they can’t have a normal relationship with their sister either.

I know I’d try and get you to see the good things about my daughter.  I’d try to emphasize the way she hasn't had an accident (outside of nap time) in 2 weeks or the way she loves nature.  I wish I could tell you how compassionate she is, bringing other children something special when she sees them crying or making sure the new kid in class got a hug.  I’d tell you how impressed I am when I hear her repeating something she’d learned in class like letter sounds or scientific facts or when I see her consciously choose to do something over again because she knows she started off incorrectly in her first response.  I’d probably want you to see how she smiles so beautifully in pictures and explain how grateful I am to have those rare glimpses of happiness caught on film.

I’d tell you that not all teachers or school systems are as kind as Ms. Murray. 

If I had the chance, I’d probably tell you that I too struggle to recognize that the behavior we see is symptomatic of the underlying mental health condition she suffers from, even as a preschooler.  It’s not something we can see to remind us that she has a permanently disabling condition.  If I were honest, I’d admit that sometimes I wonder whether people would treat her more kindly if she had a physical disability rather than this ugly mental illness that is trying to consume her before she starts Kindergarten.  

I would tell you my daughter isn't the only one.  I see other mommas, like me, simultaneously trying to advocate for services and accomodations in a world that doesn't seem to have room for square pegs while striving to teach their children to shoot for the stars, refusing to accept the current state as all it's ever going to be.  These ladies (and fathers too) are doing their best to try and hold it all together.  I see you mommas - don't give up.

I would try to convey all this to you and more but I rarely get the chance. 

I get it.  I really do. 

No matter how much I appreciate what I've learned on this journey and the relationships I have built along the way, no matter how much I love my daughter JUST-AS-SHE-IS, it doesn't mean I don't hope for more or want for normalcy.

I just wish things were different - mostly for her.

Thankful Thursday - We've Made It...Our Last Day as Foster Parents

I cannot believe we've made it here, to this point, so very far from where we started.

Tomorrow we sign the adoptive placement agreement for our 4 kiddos.  While by itself this doesn't mean our kids are forever part of our family (that happens at consummation, also known as the court date), it does mean they will no longer be foster children.

My kids will no longer be in foster care.

Technically, I will not be their foster mom anymore.  Logan and Summer will no longer be foster siblings.  And, since we're closing our home after this placement, we'll no longer be a licensed foster home.

5 years.  We've been on this journey now for 5 years, licensed for 4 1/2.  In the grand scheme of life that seems so short.  But foster care.  Foster care is invasive.  By nature it permeates your life, your family, and the way you live.  It isn't all bad.  It isn't all good.  But it changes you.  So much has happened in these past 5 years.  In many ways our lives have been on pause, waiting for someone else to do or say something that will drastically change the dynamic of our family, all the while the core of our family has been adapting to the constant change in the wait.  What we've seen, what we know now that we didn't know then, the love and the trauma...we'll never be the same again.

As I sit here and look at the faces of my husband and children I'm so thankful for this segment of our journey.  The road before us is still wide open and we've only begun to travel the path we've been sent on.  Nevertheless, I'm glad to wave goodbye to The System and all that is within it.

I look forward to the relief of finally breathing out after all these years.

Moolah Monday - Our Disagreement about School Supplies

Happy Monday everyone!

This post brought to you by the upcoming school year which has 3 of our kiddos returning to a formal education program and one additional beginning a formal Pre-K program this year.

(In case you were wondering, we are currently a public school family with 4 kids in 3 different schools in our local district.  2 of them are in the gifted & talented magnet school, one at the "local" school, and one at a school pretty much as far away as she can get because there are more Pre-K programs "over there" vs. near us, and it's near daycare.  If you count daycare we have 6 kids in 4 schools.  Nice.)

I spent a significant amount of time and money this weekend shopping for back-to-school.  I try to spend 1x1 time with each kiddo for BTS shopping taking one out at a time.  It's easier that way but it's also a good quality time opportunity if I could swing it.  This year I did the shopping in 2 trips with the 2 oldest (separately).

I tried to shop extremely frugally, like I always do.  To begin, we had $350 per foster child to spend before adoption day toward clothes ($1400 total).    We had 5% coupons from the Target prescription rewards program.  I have the Target red card debit card (links to my checking account) for another 5%.  Plus, it was tax-free weekend here locally so I saved a little more than 8% there.    Add to that my bend toward being cheap and never paying full-price and I saved a boatload.  So, for $1400 I was able to receive about another $250 in "free" clothes and shoes.

I actually found it hard to spend some of this money because I have SO MANY clothes in most sizes already from the years we've been fostering.  I ended up buying clothes for the next few sizes up for some of the kids and for Baby Baby, who I have the most clothes for, I mostly spent that money on shoes.  (He's in size 7 now and is set on new shoes until size 12).  Our kids wear the fire out of their shoes so this will come in really handy in the upcoming years as we lose foster-care support for our forever kids.  (It's also cool in case we come across someone in need).

I only have one or two things left per child to purchase on our own, the biggest of which is lunchboxes and backpacks.  As I brought this up to my husband I was met with a significant amount of resistance.  He was hungry, which might have been part of it, but in general we are on completely opposite sides of this debate.  Though I'll try to be submissive here and I'm not trying to air out our dirty laundry, it did make mie wonder what my audience here did about backpacks.

Hubby's position - With 6 kids new backpacks and lunchboxes each year seems ridiculous.  It's money we can save. Why buy new ones when there are perfectly good ones all over the house.  They should learn to take care of the ones they have.

My position - Buying new backpacks and lunchboxes is an exciting part of getting ready to go back to school.  Getting to pick out a new backpack helps the kids feel excited about their upcoming year.  There's nothing like getting all your school supplies ready in your new bag, laying out your (new) outfit for your first day of school, and getting pumped up for what's to come.  It's a relatively inexpensive way to signal transition from old school year and summer to the new one.  Remember, I'm frugal as it is so $40 (or more! jeesh) backpacks aren't even on the consideration list.  It gives them a chance to pick a "more mature" backpack than they did last year if they wish.  Plus, it's what we've always done and we've had conversations with the kids in the last year about waiting until the new year to get a new backpack (with wheels, for one kid, not superman, for another).

One additional piece of the discussion was related to backpacks wearing out.
Mie: Backpacks wear out.  They need to be replaced.
Hubby: Then we'll replace them when they wear out.
Mie: But then the kid who didn't take care of theirs will get a new one after they weren't careful with it because they were throwing it around or whatever (or they damaged it or lost it on purpose because they wanted a new one and wanted to game the system) and the kid who took great care of it like they were supposed to won't ever get a new one.  That's not rewarding the behavior we want.
Hubby: Then we'll buy a new one for the kid that took great care of theirs and the kid who didn't can get their sibling's used backpack.
Mie: But then the kid who didn't take care of it will always have a handicap...they'll never get a new one because they'll always have an old one that will naturally wear out earlier.

(Here's the thing...we have two strong-willed challenging kids that will fall into the "damaged backpack due to lack of care or other more deviant choices" group and two that will fall into the "take care of their backpack and already resenting the deviant choice group for screwing up so many of the good things they could have with their crazy behavior".  Adding to or distracting from this dynamic is critical in our family).

So - where we ended last night was to let the kids pick a new backpack and lunchbox this year (because we already told them we would) and then we'll tell them it has to last them 2 years before they get a new one.

Or

As an alternative I suggested we implement a reward system for not mindlessly buying a new one.  We can offer them a new backpack (with limits...they can't spend over a certain amount) OR they can keep the one they have and get $5.  They can choose to live with what they have to save money (which literally gives them money to save and is cheaper than us buying new bags) or they can choose to have a new bag.  Then they'll have the choice again next year.

All of this, of course, is dependent on our financial ability to make these choices - if we absolutely don't have the money then of course we don't NEED to buy anything, we can make do with what we have.  In my mind that changes the game and in hubby's mind we need to be thinking that way now.

What do you all think?  How do you handle this in your homes?

Personalized Goodies - Here's Hoping...

Now that we are so close to the triple threat of school starting up again, new names, and adoption day, I have this huge desire to complete my kids' collection of things that are personalized.  There are at least 5 items I want to get for each of my kiddos, each with its own purpose and meaning.

1.  Personalized Pencils - Totally Practical
Four of my kids will be in public school this fall.  Two of them are changing their names.  One of those is changing schools completely.  Another is starting Pre-K.  I think it would be awesome to send them to school with names on their pencils to help remind them how to spell their new first and last names.  The first names are easy to write, once they get used to it (and they've been practicing for months), but our last name is a different story.  It's not Smith or Jones or White or Brown.  It's complicated.  People always mispronounce it and misspell it.  The Pre-K kiddo will be learning to write her name (hopefully...).  Wouldn't it be great if they had their name on their pencils to act as a reminder without having to raise their hand and ask the teacher to help them spell their own names?  And, of course, I can't get these three pencils without getting a set for Logan...that wouldn't be write.  (Get it?)
Total Cost: $40 (Oriental Trading Company, Mustache set, Snowflake Set, Hibiscus Set, and Camouflage set + Shipping)

2.  Pencil Cases - Fairly Practical
Each of the kids needs to have a pencil case for their class.  They are on the required list for school supplies. It would be great if their pencil cases had a bit of personal flair including their name.  Not only would it be a second reminder of how to spell their names, it would also be a bit easier to help them keep track of their own cases, not "accidentally" taking a friends home or each others to school.  No, it's not absolutely necessary but I'd love to do it.
Total Cost: $40 (Etsy)

3.  Water Bottles - Completely Practical
I've learned in the last two weeks that I don't have a sufficient number of water bottles for the various activities we have to attend.  I don't even have 8 (one for each of us) so that in itself is a problem.  I have several theme-park refillable cups but they aren't seal-able so they can't be packed or really trusted in the hands of my kids.  I have sippy cups but my self-respectable "Big Kids" aren't cool with using their baby brother's sippy cups.  Now, since I need to buy some water bottles, I might as well buy them with their names on it.  Not only is it cool to have their names on their bottles it cuts down on the fighting immensely (That's MY Water Bottle...MOOOOOOOOM).
Total Cost: $60ish  I really haven't priced them yet.

4.  Sleeping Bags - Meh...Needed and Only Kind-of Practical.
Logan has a sleeping bag.  Summer has two, one personalized with her name on it.  My other 4 (well, the 3 older ones) have been hoping they get one too.  There really hasn't been a need for one though because as foster children they can't spend the night places, they aren't allowed to sleep anywhere in the house other than their beds, and well, camping can be approved but it hasn't been practical knowing that we'd need approval in advance.  So, they need a sleeping bag anyway.  Summer has one that has her name on it with a cute design.  I'd like to do the same for the other 4 (Logan wouldn't care about that...he's proud of his "grown-up" bag).  I know it seems like a luxury, and it is kind-of, having their own sleeping bag is a tangible symbol of not having to follow the rules of foster care anymore.  Being able to drop their own sleeping bag on the floor in my room or a tent in the backyard is a form of proof that they'll never have to leave.
Total Cost: $240ish from Lillian Vernon

5. Bean Bags - Completely Unnecessary, really
We're redoing our playroom and making it an actual playroom with centers and (gasp) real furniture.  We've moved a tv up their for movie nights or when friends are over and the adults want to have adult time downstairs.  I really would like to have them all have their own bean bags (again, personalized so they don't fight about them...).
Total Cost: $300-$600ish, depending on whether I can find them all as clearance-priced on Lillian Vernon

6. Bath Towels - Absolutely Practical
I'm also redoing the upstairs bathroom.  Towels are chaos. We've never really had a set for the kids other than those ones they've outgrown (you know, baby ones with the hoodies) and so we have a mismatched set of old towels that end up being thrown around the house and not stored well.  What I'd like to do is buy two towels for each kid.  I'd like them to have their names on them.  This way they can each hang their "clean" towel on their own hook in the bathroom and have one in the wash.  If they don't hang up their towel or make sure it gets into the wash they don't have a clean towel to use.  If I find one on the floor after bath-time I know exactly who it belongs to.  You know...all that kind of stuff.
Total Cost: $300ish.

So, there you have it.  Unfortunately, with our budget swing post-adoption I don't know if or when I'll ever be able to buy these things for my kiddos.  Well, such is life.  But now you know what's going through my head.

Foster Parent Friday - Between Fosterhood and Adoption

We are currently in that awkward stage between fosterhood, where everything is by the book and you don't know what is coming around the next corner, and adoption where you move on with your life as a forever family.  We've had a termination trial, had a final order signed (after a random 3 1/2 month wait), and waited out our 90 day appeal period.  This puts us in the place where the department (CPS) has permanent managing coservatorship of our kiddos (in other words is the permanent parents and legally responsible party) and biological parents no longer have any parental rights (and, theoretically in most cases would be out of the picture at least in a far distant corner of the picture).

While there is "no chance" the biological family can come back around and try to regain custody somehow, we are still not their forever, legal, family. Technically, we are still foster parents and will remain so until the adoption is finalized.  This is such an awkward place to be because in our heads and hearts we are their parents, we are a family, and nothing will change that.  The decision to adopt these children has come and gone.  The kids call us mom and dad.  They are all siblings.  Generally, day-to-day, our life is now normal as if it will be after adoption.

There are some things, however, that are still not normal.  We no longer have to deal with parental visits but we do still need to schedule time for CASA visits 2x per month (or more because she also likes to spend time 1x1 with the kiddos), monthly with the children's caseworker, and now monthly with our family's caseworker because they changed the rules from quarterly to monthly on us.  We no longer have to try to fit in court regularly, worrying about whether the judge will send them home, but we do have to arrange for "263 hearings" on occasion.  We aren't dealing with weekly supervised and unsupervised visits but we are still managing monthly contact with their birth father per our agreement (this will continue post adoption).  Birth mother doesn't get to see or talk to them but that doesn't mean she doesn't try regularly.  I am happy to report that we've been told (in writing) we no longer have to worry about cutting their hair but I'll tell you, after having chopped off 8 inches from one of my daughter's locks, I still worry about whether they'll approve of my choices or not.  These things are all manageable nuisances that I understand and deal with but look forward to getting rid of.  

Then there is the category of things that really grates on mie.  I still cannot make decisions on my own for
"my" kids like I can for my forever kids.  I can't take them on an impromptu weekend vacation (though it wouldn't be too hard for me to get permission).  I can't let them camp out in my room one night to watch a movie as a family before we go to bed.  I can't let them camp out in the playroom together one night either, for that matter.  Technically I can't let them go spend the night with their cousins or let their cousins spend the night at my home and I still have to worry whether we'll get a surprise inspection by licensing and have a friend over who hasn't had a background check.  Though we have "safe" places for "not-too-dangerous" medication that our 1 year old son needs several times a day,  I still have to double-lock it on the off-chance someone will stop by and go digging through our cabinets.  And I still can't have a trampoline.

Then we have our awkward situation with names.  We're only kind-of allowed to call our children by their new adoptive names.  This is ok for our younger kiddos (one of whom insists her name is her new name anyway and handles that for us) but it is difficult for our older kiddos who are starting new classes this next year and need to know how to read, write, and respond to their new names.  Their names aren't legally changing until a couple days after school starts so we can't technically call them by their new names and I'm ok with that except for the fact that they need to be used to responding to their teachers and writing their new names when school comes.  Plus, I'd like to purchase some personal supplies and I don't want to be accused of pushing the lines.  

Finally - the thing that is most challenging for me during this time - still being foster mom.  Generally this is not a  problem for mie (see above list of annoyances).  But there are those times I'm asked the dreaded question, usually by people in an official capacity:

"Are you his foster mom?"

I don't know why this gets at mie so much and I can't let it roll of my back but I've had a seriously hard time holding my tongue, especially when it comes to Baby Baby, the one I hear about it most.  He's a great kid with several medical challenges so I see a lot of specialists, nurses, and other staff who don't know anything about us except for what they see in the medical file.  They ask harmlessly but it seriously strikes as a knife when I hear it particularly because at this point in the case I'm forced to answer yes.  Yes, I suppose I am still his foster mom.  Oh and every time I hear it the Mama Bear in mie comes out and I want to scream to them through the phone...I am his ONLY mom.  I have raised this baby since he was 4 days old, since he came from the hospital.  He would not know his birth mother from anyone else.  I have been there for every moment with him, through hospitalizations and breathing treatments, through the milestones and celebrations. To HIM, I am his mama and he would tell you nothing else.  It is evident in the way he lights up and runs to mie when he sees mie (though daddy is the clear favorite right now).  In a crowded room I  am the one he runs to for safety.  But yes.  I am his foster mom.  Just foster mom.

Oh how I long for the day when I can say, without any sort of reservation, I am their mother, just plain mom, forever.