Thursday, September 20, 2007

What would you do?

I feel like I'm in a pickle, and maybe I'm making too much out of this. I don't really know what to do about the situation, except pray and ask for God's guidance. But I was wondering...if you were in this situation, what would you do?

This goes back 7 years ago when I started dating this Nice guy..."Christian"...very involved in the community, lots of friends...the typical popular guy. He not only went to my school (college) but was from my neck of the woods (since I went to private school that was rare) and was friends with my friends...thats actually how we met. Turned out we also went to the same church.

Anyway, shortly into the relationship it turned abusive. To protect others who've been abused or know abuse, I won't go into details here (but would be happy to share my story to anyone who asked or feels they need a shoulder to lean on!). In any case, I was trapped in the relationship, which is really weird since I'm such an independant type female...never felt like I "need" a man in my life (although I love my J!). They were dark days that I think I covered up well. (Not too well, during this time my dad accused me of being on drugs, which of course, I would have never been).

During our relationship he always talked about how he wanted to be a great evangelist. He wanted to work for the kingdom. It made me sick and I knew then that at some point he probably would be and I would be facing the situation I'm facing today. He is a "pastor", has earned a "ph.d.", and is claiming to minister to people in the inner city who have faced abuse and are stuck holding onto that abuse instead of getting over it and moving on with what God has for them.

I for one feel this is extremely ironic. I want to call him out for being a hypocrit (since he does and always has claimed to fight against the hypocrisy of the church). I want the world to know what he did to me and not have it be something he can deny any longer. And I know "I" am strong enough now (I wasn't then) to face the repercussions of making these accusations publicly against him.

But is it the right thing to do? Would it be fair to put my family through that? My husband and son do not deserve to be dragged into it. And I know he'd put up a fight, turn it around on me, etc. Furthermore, it has been 7 years. Maybe God has truly changed his heart. He is married now, maybe that has helped? I am positive my news would be shocking to her. Maybe he has dealt with his issues and for obvious reasons doesn't publicize that he has. We aren't in communication now so I wouldn't know the answers to these questions.

Maybe God is ready to use him to do great things in the life of others through him now. Who am I to stop the ministry of God through him (if it indeed is taking place). Reading his writings that promote his church and ministry, I would actually agree with what he writes and believe that he has powerful things to say...if only I didn't know him behind closed doors.

And the thing doesn't seem like he's changed any of his basic beliefs. It doesn't seem like he's changed at all, other than the additional education, wife, and life experience he has had since then. Of course, this is from an outsider looking in from way, way afar. And I guess I'm a bit scared to move in closer at all to get a "better" view.

One thing about him...I've diagnosed him (cause i'm qualified right?) with NPD...narcississtic personality disorder. OMG...he fits this to a T. So, knowing that about him, I know the reality is that he probably hasn't changed, and he truly believes that everything was my fault, he is perfect. And because of that and his dynamic personality, people will believe him. No matter what I say, people won't believe that he could have done the things that he did...and he would never admit to it. It makes me sick now to see what he's doing. But why? Isn't it a good thing that he is working to save souls for our God's kingdom?

Such a dillemma... What would you all do?


Anonymous said...

Wow Marie! This is a tough one. Here is MY opinion. Search your heart for what is motivating you to confront this situation. Pray for God to give you wisdom and discernment. Before publicizing all that you know about him, speak to him. Confront him, ask him if he has changed, let him know how bad it hurt, pray for him, forgive. Easier said than done I know. I know its cliché, but ask yourself "What would Jesus do?" Just my two cents!

Love, Alison

The Johnson Junket said...

I agree with Alison's comment. Pray about it, seek God's will and then if you feel God leading you to speak up, start with speaking to the man who hurt you. A lot can happen in seven years. I'm praying for you!

Mandi said...

I wish I could give you advice, however I'm not sure that anything I could say would help the situation. I'm so sorry!

And you're thinking, "Then why exactly are you commenting?"

But I'll certainly keep you in my prayers concerning this. Please let me know what you finally decide to do!

<3 M.

Marie said...

:) I would never think that. I appreciate your comments and your prayers.

At this point that is my only conclusion, that God would make the path for me that will direct me to what I need to do.

The Duece Crew said...

Marie, I agree with Alison on the part of needing to find out what the motivation is for confronting him. Then definately talk to him and give him a chance to say his side. If after that you still feel the same, then pray to God for the words to say to the world about him. Good luck!

Kathy said...

What difference does your motivation have to do with it? Either you are angry (there is nothing sinful about anger), you are trying to protect others (obviously good), or it is revenge. I guess the only thing is revenge is not Christlike, revenge is the Lord's right? The Bible says that all sins will have light shown on them. The Bible also has the proper direction for handling conflict. You speak to him first. If that doesn't resolve it then you speak to the elders (of his church maybe). If that doesn't help you go public. No this is not a quote but means the same. With all of the horribly wrong things that have happened in our family and all the people who have covered it what makes anyone think seeking justice is wrong. If he has changed his heart that is one thing. You don't know if he has until you take the first Biblical step and confront him. Email me with how you know all of these things about him. What would the prayer be? "Jesus do I confront this horrible sin or just let it slide?'

Mrs. Bick said...


Stumbled across your blog through Andi (both she and Jessica know me), and this is such a difficult situation.

Kathy had a this point The Bible says that all sins will have light shown on them. And that he Bible also has the proper direction for handling conflict. I would suggest in your prayers that you seek guidance and wisdom on if you are to be the light by which his sins might be shown. If he is as NPD as you say, and as charismatic, he is sure to have a great many people snowed.

If your motive is one of protection and not of vengance, then I feel certain that God will move mountains to make your story heard to the proper ears.

Peace. Shelia