I feel like I'm in a pickle, and maybe I'm making too much out of this. I don't really know what to do about the situation, except pray and ask for God's guidance. But I was wondering...if you were in this situation, what would you do?
This goes back 7 years ago when I started dating this loser...er...boy. Nice guy..."Christian"...very involved in the community, lots of friends...the typical popular guy. He not only went to my school (college) but was from my neck of the woods (since I went to private school that was rare) and was friends with my friends...thats actually how we met. Turned out we also went to the same church.
Anyway, shortly into the relationship it turned abusive. To protect others who've been abused or know abuse, I won't go into details here (but would be happy to share my story to anyone who asked or feels they need a shoulder to lean on!). In any case, I was trapped in the relationship, which is really weird since I'm such an independant type female...never felt like I "need" a man in my life (although I love my J!). They were dark days that I think I covered up well. (Not too well, during this time my dad accused me of being on drugs, which of course, I would have never been).
During our relationship he always talked about how he wanted to be a great evangelist. He wanted to work for the kingdom. It made me sick and I knew then that at some point he probably would be and I would be facing the situation I'm facing today. He is a "pastor", has earned a "ph.d.", and is claiming to minister to people in the inner city who have faced abuse and are stuck holding onto that abuse instead of getting over it and moving on with what God has for them.
I for one feel this is extremely ironic. I want to call him out for being a hypocrit (since he does and always has claimed to fight against the hypocrisy of the church). I want the world to know what he did to me and not have it be something he can deny any longer. And I know "I" am strong enough now (I wasn't then) to face the repercussions of making these accusations publicly against him.
But is it the right thing to do? Would it be fair to put my family through that? My husband and son do not deserve to be dragged into it. And I know he'd put up a fight, turn it around on me, etc. Furthermore, it has been 7 years. Maybe God has truly changed his heart. He is married now, maybe that has helped? I am positive my news would be shocking to her. Maybe he has dealt with his issues and for obvious reasons doesn't publicize that he has. We aren't in communication now so I wouldn't know the answers to these questions.
Maybe God is ready to use him to do great things in the life of others through him now. Who am I to stop the ministry of God through him (if it indeed is taking place). Reading his writings that promote his church and ministry, I would actually agree with what he writes and believe that he has powerful things to say...if only I didn't know him behind closed doors.
And the thing is...it doesn't seem like he's changed any of his basic beliefs. It doesn't seem like he's changed at all, other than the additional education, wife, and life experience he has had since then. Of course, this is from an outsider looking in from way, way afar. And I guess I'm a bit scared to move in closer at all to get a "better" view.
One thing about him...I've diagnosed him (cause i'm qualified right?) with NPD...narcississtic personality disorder. OMG...he fits this to a T. So, knowing that about him, I know the reality is that he probably hasn't changed, and he truly believes that everything was my fault, he is perfect. And because of that and his dynamic personality, people will believe him. No matter what I say, people won't believe that he could have done the things that he did...and he would never admit to it. It makes me sick now to see what he's doing. But why? Isn't it a good thing that he is working to save souls for our God's kingdom?
Such a dillemma... What would you all do?