Tuesday, November 05, 2013

Tuesday's Tears - Just Getting By

Greetings everyone!  I miss you, I do.  The reality is life has overwhelmed me and though I check in from time-to-time to read a few blogs I have just not made the time to actually blog myself.  And, I'm struggling to come up with things to write about.  Same ol' story for you, I know...

I don't write much about my kids case.  We had a great period of time with no visits and wonderful kids and more bonding and promise of a great future together.  Then visits started again causing at least one kiddo to go into a tailspin that has taken time, patience, and a ton of emotional and physical energy to deal with.  It's sad really.  To the uninformed it looks like a kiddo who misses his birth parents and wants to be back with them but in reality its a kiddo who has been disappointed time and time again by unstable "role models" who should be there for him and provide a decent life for him and yet disappear (yet again) and reappear like nothing ever happened causing an overwhelming amount of emotion and insecurity in such a little guy who was already struggling with the last round of "abandonment" and trauma that just won't seem to go away when these people are around.  So now this little guy is full of rage and sadness that no little guy should be left to experience causing his brain to tell his body to act out with tantrums and fits because that's all he knows to do to get those emotions out and who else should be targeted with that than the foster parents who've committed to parent him for life (if that becomes an option) who don't abuse or abandon him.  So now we try to help him and all of our kiddos as much as possible without being able to confidently assure him that we too, in fact, will stay forever because there's only so much we can do to keep that promise when we don't know what the judge will say.  It's a complicated thing I'm working through here, which really just means taking it one day at a time.

(Yes, that is how I really feel).

A year ago today we arrived in Maui to enjoy our 5th anniversary trip.  Oh how we long for another Maui.

My uncle died yesterday.  Another uncle died a few months ago and a great aunt died a couple weeks ago.  Another uncle is in the hospital very ill - the family was somewhat mentally preparing for worse news on him when they received news about the other uncle's passing.  It's all sad really and yet marred by mixed feelings if I'm honest.  I'll probably be one of the few who are honest.  I'll probably be hated for it.  That's ok.  I'm sad, I really am.  I hope my family is comforted.  I hope I can be a comforting factor in all that could play out after his death.

I'm tired.  I wouldn't trade my life but I'm worn out a little bit at the moment.

I do have good news to share with you though so stay tuned until I get my act together to give it justice!

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