Thursday, September 25, 2008

Updated ramblings

...because I should be doing schoolwork...of which I have more than plenty. And being considerably tired with a migraine at the beginning of a particularly painful (phsyically) new cycle I'm prime to avoid the homework. And there's something to be said for trying to ignore the crib bouncing against the wall upstairs and the child in it, who, has been upstairs in bed for 45 minutes and yet is not asleep...but many of you know...I'm not one for "ignoring" a child's "cry" even though its a kind of " ahuh...eheheh"ish...I'll probably take a break in a mintue or so and head up there to see what's going on. It's also my philosophy that its MUCH better to go see whats up now...patt him on his back...give him a kiss...and let him go back to sleep rather than wait until he's in a full bore cry, unconsolable...with irrepairable damage. I'm only half kidding...mostly about the irrepairable damage part and not much else. I'm in a funny mood.

Which makes me need to comment on my last funny mood captured in blog mode. Yes, it has to be said that my post two posts ago was the result of a hormone induced rant, the perfect storm of mishaps of rejection (most unintentional on all parts), and a ton of lack of self-confidence in the personal relationship arena. I've all but forgotten I normally do when I get in that kind of mood...hopefully my faithful readers (and friends?) have forgotten it too. I do have to say that it was certainly good at least for a few relationships that were surprisingly strengthened from it...and hopefully, based on a few conversations, others who were feeling the same way know they are not alone, if nothing else.

Ahh...but to know that that post was immediately before my last cycle and here I am with another shows just how incredibly busy I've been...I love blogging but just don't have the time. Even (or especially) at work, when I've typically managed to carve out 5 minutes for a quick blog. But no. I'm in WAY over my head. Way over. I had a slight breakdown last night trying to explain to my dear sweet helpful husband why his comment about how great he was to make dinner the last two nights was actually quite offensive. Partly because we made dinner was definitely a joint effort (which I LOVED)...but mostly because I make dinner every night...and lunch most days too...days off or not. We've got to eat...therefore, I must prepare something. And clean up after it...although...looking at the pile of dishes in the sink...I'm not always successful. That...and the comment about how I don't "need" to rush to do everything I do...I can take a break once in a while...along with the comment of " much for coming home early" I was greeted with on the phone call where I was trying to call to explain that I'd rushed to catch a really early train only to find that for some reason the trains were held up and the next one didn't come for 40 minutes (unheard of in rush hour...) sweet husband got the brunt of my breakdown. I don't think it happens every month, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't emotional at times. Poor guy.

But he's right. To some degree, I could actually stop rushing in everything I do...but then that would mean I would have to either drop the quality of what I do (not in me, at least not to let it fall any more below what it is...I've already had to hire someone to clean my house) OR, I would have to drop something that I do. So, what is there to drop...I'll put them in order of how I prioritize them:
  • Relationship with God (as supported right now by tiny devotions, constant prayer, sunday morning ABF, and the occasional small group meeting). Clearly not over extended there and seeing as how it is number one priority, I could probably afford to spend MORE time there than less.
  • Marriage: Um...not an option. Period. Plus, the benefit of our schedule is that the efficiency of our marriage is great...we can only spend so much time together each week so we take advantage of it to the fullest...very little wasted marriage time. But, that also means there is very little time to get rid of and I'm not sacrificing any of it.
  • Parenting: Who are we kidding...also not an option. Goes without saying I'm sure, but since it is a large part of my life I thought I'd add it to the list of things that take up my time.
  • Job: Now, this one is controversial I'm sure. But, bottom husband doesn't support the idea of me staying home at this time. And, so, therefore, I work. Don't get me wrong. I do love what I do...I thrive on it while I'm doing it. But, it isn't nearly as important to me as the place it falls in my would probably actually be less. much less. But, the truth is, I make 2/3 of our would take a lot for us to make me not work. The husband would have to take up many more shifts to "enjoy" the lifestyle we live now. That wouldn't make him a happy man, nor a happy husband, and therefore not a happy family. We could give up the lifestyle. Trust me...I'm more than happy to live a more frugal life. I thrive on that too. But, alas, my husband is working on it. And, bottom line, even if we did both of those things, we have debt that needs to be paid off and the quickest way for us to do that so that, in the future, if the stars aligned, I could stay home. Or work less. Or whatever. So, for now...this isn't a "realistic" option. Always something we keep in our minds and would hope for but it isn't happening today. Maybe tomorrow. Not likely.
  • School: If you looked at my actual schedule, this is probably last in terms of how the time spent shows priority. I do it after everything else is done at the end of the night. Which means, I usually get to start working on 3 doctoral-level courses, one of which is an extremely ridiculous 4-level in statistics class, at about 9:30 or 10:00 each night...but tonight it will be more like 11. most people's eyes this would be the one that should be dropped. And yes, it could be, but it is my thing. I guess you'd put it on my hobby list...if it could be compared to a hobby, but its what I do for me. And, it is preparing me to be potentially in a position to do something different in terms of a career that would let me still earn to support our family but stay home a LOT more. potentially. And, as lucky as I am...I have to do residency which means I have to go to school full-time for two semesters in a row...and, my logical nature says since I have a toddler and want more kids but don't have them I might as well try and get this done now before another kiddo comes along when I could make a much slower progress if I wanted to. And, when you look at living at this pace, 3 classes is just as difficult as 2, and so its better to work as hard as possible to get this done quicker and live this pace for a shorter period of time. So, bottom line...I'm not giving this up unless I absolutely have to.
  • Other things...add in all the other things. Friend and family relationships and events. Holidays. Grocery shopping. Politics. Whatever...this is the sand that fills up the crevices of my jar. (which you may understand if you've ever seen the ping pong ball, pebbles, sand, jar experiment, or something similar).
Ah...all to say I'm busy. Extremely busy. And I want to cry. But I'll make it through. It will be good soon. I'm sure in a couple of days. Thankfully, most people in my life understand. At least to some degree. There are very few that understand completely. But there are people who have it better and people who have it worse, and I'm not going to complain. More than I have anyway.

Next post...ask me about our new bed!

***Edited to add*** I never did go check on the booga upstairs...but, he didn't go to sleep until at least 11.


Monkey Momma said...

Marie, I love this post. I connect with it all too well on several levels. I always wonder why I feel so frazzled and then I look at MY list and think, "Good grief woman, I'd be worried if you weren't frazzled!" But this is my life right now and in spite of the chaos, I really do love my life! I have a great husband, who is an even greater father, I have a darling baby, a (cute!) home to cover our heads, (kinda stylish) clothing to cover our bodies, and (yummy!) food to fill our bellies. And like you said, there are others that have it so much worse.

Even if this is all there is, it's pretty damn good!

Mandi said...

I hope you know you can call me when you need to vent, emotional or not!

Now I wanna know about the bed!!

joel.newman said...

Marie- This post couldn't have come at a better time! I am really struggling right now with work and the kids (and i'm not even taking classes!) I feel completely drained physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc. But, when I try to look at everything I do (like you did) there really is nothing i can "give up". I feel completely blessed like you and Andi that I have a wonderful husband who supports me and so many other blessings. It just helps to know i'm not the only one that feels this way. --Jessica