Tuesday, July 24, 2007

My first blog (here anyway)

Hello and welcome to my blog :)

This isn't my first post (and certainly isn't my first blog). I have two others going on...one on myspace and one for updates on the baby. This is also not my first blog on blogger.

But wait!...you say...you don't see any other blog's here? No, no... of course not. Here's a little insight into me. I'm extremely analytical. I have written a couple of entries before and for one reason or another have deleted them. From here on out I will try not to do that. Why? Well, for starters, no one has been invited to this link yet so I doubt that I will offend anyone with my posts :) Also, I keep having the desire to blog here and haven't done so because the topic just wouldn't work for my first blog here.

Anywhoo...I do have something to blog about. And I think I can even keep it upbeat!

So, for those of you who know me you may know I have had difficulties moving on with my life now that we live in Texas. Well, not really, I have "moved on" per se, but the emotional ties to our "previous life" are still so binding. This is partially caused by the great memories we have of life in California (or, more appropriately, life nearby our family and friends). It is also partially caused by a bit of longing to be a part of that life again. Neither is bad, except as in my case it has caused me to hold a grudge against a few people (not something I like to do!) and when it prevents me from growing strong roots where we are planted now.

We just got back from a trip to California. And, as usual, it was fun to see people and spend time "back home". Our family went out of their way to make it a fun trip and show us how much they miss us and love us. Even still, I realized that we are just not part of their everyday life anymore (not all of them of course...this is mostly about friends rather than family). As our life continues in Texas, our thoughts of them remain the same despite the fact that their life continues to grow and move in California too. So when we visit, we sometimes feel like the fifth wheel in terms of not understanding or being involved in many of the conversations that occur, since they have to do with what everyone else is doing on a daily basis that we just aren't a part of. No fault, no blame, it just is. I fear that writing this down will make someone feel bad if I ever give them access to this site...I don't want anyone to think of this as a guilt trip or that we aren't happy with the way things are or that we blame anyone or that if they "tried harder" we wouldn't feel this way...we are just realizing that life is not going to be the same now that we live in Texas. (Duh, we have lived here for just shy of 3 years, you think we'd realize that already).

As I came back home (Texas), I reflected on the trip. There was such mixed feelings to get through. On one hand there was a strong desire to be a part of things (daily) again. Such a strong desire for our son to grow up near all of his family (although we are grateful to have more and more nearby now!). Such a strong desire to be leaders in the church back home like we used to be. On the other hand (and this surprised me), I missed home. I missed our friends. I kept wondering how so and so was, how another person was feeling, what they were doing, wanting to share Logan's newest trick with them. Everyone has had that desire to be back home I'm sure (you know..the desire to sleepin your own bed type thing) (Not that our bed wasn't comfy...thanks Mom & Dad!). But this was more than that. I realized that I'm happy to have the life we have out here. And that is ok.

The ultimate conclusion is that I need to complete the mourning for relationships lost or "changed". I am ready to "accept the things I cannot change" being that we are out here now. This frees me up to look at those relationships in a different light...not as something we are missing out on or not a part of but as an opportunity to let some go and re-establish some with new terms, and we can set those up now! It also frees me to build real relationships with the people we know (and will know) here. Its as if I've limited the relationships I've had here because I'm afraid having htem would make people back home feel as if they weren't important to us. This of course isn't true, but they've gone on with their lives now that we aren't there, why can't we go on with our lives out here? And there are great people out here. Great friends, coworkers, neighbors.

So I leave this blog with two things. One for those back home, and one for those in our new home...

Back Home: (can best be said by the lyrics to a song by Audio Adrenaline)..."You'll be fine tomorrow, the sun will rise again. It's never easy to say goodbye. You know I'll always love you, You know I always will. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, my old friend(s). Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, we've reached the end. I don't cry for sorrow, I cry with joy. The memories we've made can't be destroyed. You know I won't forget you, You know I never could. And when I say I loved you, You know I meant for good."

New Home: Watch out! I'm coming to make friends with you :)

7 comments:

Sherra said...

and we can't wait!

Raina said...

Deep thoughts! It was interesting to me b/c I've never had a really big move, (other than leaving for college,) but with Chris on the job hunt, there's always a possibility. It makes me wonder how I'll do when and if I leave Texas. Just so you know, we're glad to have you out here!

FunkyMonkeyJunk said...

((((Marie))))

What a touching first post! And if it means anything, I experience very similar feelings when I moved to Texas about 10 years ago. It was heartbreaking and I didn't realize how hard it would be. But with time the rawness of mourning wears off. Like you, it took me a few years. I promise it gets better! I now consider Texas "home".

Thank you for inviting me to the unedited Marie. I've always known there is more than meets the eye with you and I'm excited to learn what that might be. ;-)

Blessings,
Andi

The Mills Gang said...

Hey girl! Glad you have joined us in the blogging world...again! I took a peek at Logan on the other site, and he is adorable! He is getting so big! What a cutie!

The Duece Crew said...

I understand how you feel....I had the same strong feelings when I moved back to Texas after having gone to high school in St.Louis. It's really hard, but I know you'll pull through.

Suzanne said...

Hey blogger! We're all looking forward to reading! Have fun.

Pandamonium said...

Welcome to the "journaling" blogging world! My blog is certainly a mix of my own journal and baby/family stuff, but I know you'll enjoy writing your own thoughts!

We had a difficult time when we left Lubbock...I hear you on having to leave "that life" behind. God has good things in store for you here too!

- Amanda