Tuesday's Tears - Mie, the Trauma Survivor

I know I haven't finished the introductions.  You still need to meet (or be introduced to) my oldest two kids.  I'll get back there I promise but I needed to stop and be very real with you all before I continue on this journey.  I'm extremely nervous to do so and intend to share enough at this point for you to understand what's going on around here without adding any additional stress to the situation.

Meet the newest trauma survivor in our family:

Our pastor has been going through a fantastic sermon series this year about real life and it's issues.  In one of the first messages on depression he stated the two most challenging things (stressful, painful, depressing, etc.) were the loss of a significant loved one (spouse, parent, child, sibling) and the loss of a job.  I sat there sobbing, like most other days at church recently, knowing that I'd experienced both within a week.

Most people in my life are aware that I was unexpectedly laid-off on 1/13/16.  As the primary breadwinner (80%) for a family of 8 you can imagine how drastic an impact that has been for us in so many ways.  We're very grateful for the faithful friends and family who heard the news and jumped in with encouragement and support.  A bunch of colleagues have reached out to show their love for mie.  I can tell many of them are worried about mie and my family.  They show concern and compassion.  They express disbelief.  Only a handful know the full picture - that this major life-changing event came just 8 days after my world fell apart.

My world fell apart.  That is not an exaggerative statement.  I'm not yet at a place where I can talk about it all freely with a sense of peace that I'd like to have someday.  That day I sat in the middle of the shampoo/conditioner aisle at Walgreens staring at the various bottles for 45 minutes.  I walked into an upscale salon at 6:30pm bawling and begging to take a shower in their steam shower, I'd pay whatever it cost (bless them for hugging mie, walking mie back to the shower, and letting mie stay "as long as I wanted" for free).  I found "whatever" counselor was available to talk to mie at our church's counseling office in the middle of the afternoon so I could get enough wherewithal to make it home for my babies that night without allowing my trauma-induced overflow to spill all over my sweet kiddos. 

1/5/16.  I could have never prepared for that day even if I'd tried.  A normal day by all accounts, getting back into the swing of things after the holiday break.  While looking for a file of foster/adopt conference presentations I offer to send to a friend putting together a large event, I came across an email, the contents of which were completely unexpected.  And devastating.  And not even remotely close to the worst of what was to come. 

Ultimately, through the day and over the next several weeks I learned about the true state of my marriage.  What I thought was a normal, mostly-happy marriage was anything but and more precisely was an all-too-carefully created image of deceit.  I learned that our marriage was infested (yes, that's the right word) with infidelity.  I have still yet to have full disclosure (a formal process in the se*ual addiction recovery process) so I do not pretend to know the full truth of it all but with what I do know at this point I can confidently say this has been "here" since well before we were married.  I'm sure I'll get into this more over time but for now the point is that this is my reality and it's left mie broken (as expected).  I was also gifted with actual PTSD.

Recap - In the first few days of the new year I lost my marriage (as I knew it), my husband (as I knew him), my understanding of my family/faith/beliefs/knowledge, and my sanity (as I knew it).  Just over a week later I lost my job, 80% of my family's income, my health insurance (and access to mental health treatment and the awesome recovery treatment my husband needs), my place away from my kids for a bit each day, friends & support network, and the general feeling of security that someone might have after working for the same company very successfully for nearly 14 years.  I also lost my legal program which gave mie easy access to some of the best attorneys in our area, most of whom I know well and could have called within minutes had I wanted to.  Losing my job also meant an ungodly amount of paperwork and legwork necessary to just keep things afloat like getting daily-required medication in the first couple weeks of a new year for my 3 special needs kids who needed a new primary insurance with secondary foster-care medicaid while I had very little coping skills and surety about my life.  And PTSD.  Just as an example.

Within a matter of days my entire life changed.  I am now a SAHM trying to figure out what the flip is next on 20% of the income we used to live on with my preschoolers going to school part-time.  Where I had a sense of control and really succeeding in life, being on the "right track", having a safe and secure family and marriage with a pretty awesome career, I now have just enough for today.  I'm in a bit of a desert, like Moses and the Israelites.  I have no idea what's coming.  I have no idea where my marriage will go.  I have no idea where my career will go.  I don't know what our financial situation will turn into.  I just don't know.

To add to the fun our second car has completely died.  We're now living as a family of 8 with daily therapy, 3 schools, activities, multiple special-needs dr appointments, with one car.  Then the microwave caught fire because, you know...they do that.

Let me not leave this post without sharing the ray of hope.  God had been preparing mie for change for a while.  I didn't expect this, but I knew something was coming so that alone has shown that God is here.  And He is.  He's provided for us in ways I keep learning every day and I'll struggle for the rest of my life to adequately describe.  My husband is in therapy.  I am too.  No promises, but I'm committed to walk the path toward wholeness and reconciliation, learning to trust God like no other time in my entire life.  I've been surrounded by just what I need from friends and family.  The church we moved to in the last year is unbelievably equipped to support our family in ways we wouldn't have even known to look for when we were called to move about a year ago.  God has given mie a new vision for my career (it's really, really fuzzy right now, but there...).  If nothing else right now I know that God is here, that He will never leave mie, that He loves mie.  He is my advocate and my defender.  I can rest in Him despite what seems to be unbelievable chaos around mie.

And that's exactly what I'm doing.

Thankful Thursday: Court Results

Thank you all for your prayers.  Regardless of the outcome, yesterday promised to be a very difficult day with 3 possible outcomes:

• Termination of parental rights.  Plan for adoption
• No Termination of parental rights.  Send children home immediately
• Some other random solution out-of-the-blue (case extension, another delay at the courthouse, etc.)

Though we had our favorite solution, none of them would have been pain-free.  The "random solution" would have caused this case to drag on more, more uncertainty, more delay for all involved.  Clearly if the judge found parental rights were not to be terminated and the kids went home immediately, that would have crushed us.

I mentioned yesterday that the case had been mid-trial before a threat at the courthouse caused a week's delay.  When I left after the day of testimony I honestly felt less-hopeful about whether the case would result in termination than I'd had at any other point in the case, I think, and that's saying something because I've had my doubts all along.  I wasn't in the courtroom that day but it's what I felt in my heart.  I walked into court after having experienced another week's worth of delays and a ton of things that made our life more difficult (sick, not sleeping baby getting 8 teeth all at the same time, for example) - though I tried to have faith and focus on God's will for my kiddos and our family in the forefront of my mind was that this was shaping up to be one of those times our kiddos left us.  God has always provided a "difficult situation" before kiddos have left to help us be grateful for the peace after the children were gone.  Most of them were illness related.  I felt like I would be writing that post, that God had allowed difficult situations to invade our home to help make the transition of them leaving easier on us.  The feeling wouldn't leave me.

I arrived at court late due to traffic.  With a cold that was making me groggy.  Since I was half-prepared to testify after the way the previous day ended (and upon hearing "maybe" from the AAL), I was worried about how I'd sound, being able to not clearly think, probably looking all nasty like one of the actors "with the flu" on a tissue commercial.  Halfway to court I got a call from my hubby who should have been sleeping because the daycare called and a different child had started throwing up all over the place.  Oh, and hubby started having tummy troubles too.

Nevertheless in the court house things started off well.  We chatted for a good-long time about stuff.  The kids.  My sister and her kids.  Jury duty.  The weather (literally).  It was enjoyable.  

Then someone said "well this case better be called early or we won't get in at all - it's drug court day".  I started to panic that we'd be reset.  Again.  

The bailiff called for check-in and simultaneously called our case into the courtroom to be heard.  I initially sat out of the courtroom but then thought hey...worst they could do was kick me out...so I went inside and took a seat.  I texted AAL to see if she needed me to testify - she replied "no".  I asked if I could stay.  Then she got called to the bench for another case and it took forever to get another reply.  

I could stay.

I'm not going to get into the details of what I heard except to say that it was ESSENTIAL to this case that court had been delayed the week because of the threat the week before.  There was a report people were waiting on that hadn't arrived yet and left some questions about the situation unanswered.  BUT, because of the delay the results were received and additional evidence was able to be admitted.  This evidence was crystal clear.  I've been saying it "sealed the deal".

The judge ended up making two rulings.  First, she ruled on baby baby because he was removed separately from his siblings and started this "newly reopened" case.  The grounds were clear and abundant. The judge took the time to read each one aloud to the parents.  Additionally there was abundant evidence that TPR was in his best interest.  

Parental Rights Terminated. 

With that in mind, the judge then ruled on the other three children.  I wasn't sure where she was going to go - apparently the case for them was different than the case on the other three.  Nevertheless because mom had just lost rights on baby baby, it helped make the argument that the rights for the other three should be terminated as well.

Parental Rights Terminated.

The judge then accepted the other parent's relinquishment.  In doing so she complimented all involved for working out an arrangement where the kids could be safe and still have a relationship with this parent.  She went on to provide strong words of affirmation to my husband and I (though she didn't know I was there) for our part in this case, the willingness to stick it out, the willingness to make the arrangement we did with the parent who relinquished.

At the end of the day we walked away with Parental Rights Terminated, adoption bound.  I will say that the kids will not be "legally-free" for adoption until after a 90 day period during which the parent who lost rights involuntarily will have the opportunity to appeal.  In addition relatives or fictive-kin have the opportunity to intervene in the case to try and gain custody preventing the adoption.  We hope and pray these things don't happen.  Our kids need permanency.  It is a NEED for them (as with all kiddos but evidence was presented that one of my children "does not have another move" in him/her).  It has been their repeatedly-expressed desire to stay with us forever.  Though they're too young to really grasp the gravity of that statement, they have been steadfast in that desire with the likewise understanding they would not go to live with their birth parents ever again.

There is so much more I want to tell you.  With the TPR granted I want to share how CRAZY this case was.    I want to explain what has happened in the past year.  All of the stuff we've gone through but I've been cautious to share because of how crazy this case has been.  I will likely wait until the 90 days is up before I share as much as I'd like but if you have questions please email mie or put it in a comment so I can remind myself to address it.  

In the end our feelings were very mixed.  Please pray for the 90 days to be smooth and short.  Please also pray for our kids' birth parents.  Regardless of the situation that led us to this point yesterday was extremely hard on them, and I'm sure time will heal some but not all and it would be a long time in healing.  They love their children.  They didn't want this to happen.  I cried with them both yesterday.  It sucks.  I cried for my kids to have this in their history.  Even though it was what we wanted and what we still want and even though it moves us toward adoption and even though our kids were thrilled when we told them last night, we don't wish them well and the trauma is not taken lightly.

Rough Days Ahead

Hello everyone!

You all know by now I'm not around as often as I'd like to be.  My daily hits are taking a hit and it makes me sad sometimes.  I miss you all and want to be here for you but life is busy and I've always said the thing that helps me get through is putting the right things first (a.k.a. prioritization).  The blog hasn't been a huge prioritization.

Things in the case are not going well.  This is one of "those cases" that I feel no one is going to every feel completely secure about until adoption is final (long way away if ever).  It's one of those cases where all of the classes and rules and regulations associated with a case plan seem to be followed but reunification still doesn't seem right.  It's not just a gut feeling.  Minimally I'll tell you that it involves kids not wanting to be reunified, kids getting lost on visits, arrests on visits, "mommy they didn't bring me enough food", and lots and lots of missed visits.  All of this (and more) and yet there are still no line-in-the-sand reasons to terminate. With that in mind the judge feels compelled to push for reunification even though I'm told she doesn't like it. 

That means beginning this week, baby baby will have a 4 hour unsupervised visit with bio parent #1 along with his siblings.  Due to the way visits have worked out (many missed visits), bio parent has spent about 28 hours with this child in his whole life -- that's just more than a day's worth of time in nearly 8 months.  To him, I am his mom.  His face lights up and he does a little dance when I come to pick him up.  He has no idea who his bio parents are, which is just a fact added to what I mentioned above about how the visits with the siblings were going.  It appears to me that adding baby baby is going to just make it worse.

This, apparently, may be the plan of all involved.  The phrase "if we give a longer rope they'll likely hang themselves with it sooner rather than later" was actually used to describe the situation to me.  "Hanging themselves" though means that the kids who have been working so hard to heal and have made so much progress will face something so drastic that it causes the "line-in-the-sand" where repetitive drug use, disobeying court orders, recent legal activity including arrests and warrants, inability to hold a job and/or rent, and losing your kids doesn't count as "line-in-the-sand".  In other words - someone has to physically get hurt.  Everyone agrees this will happen if/when they go home or spend more time with birth parents.  Apparently we need to stand back and let it happen.

I am devastated by all of this.  Letting "my baby" go to the visit this weekend is nearly going to kill me.  It will be all I can do to not burst into tears as I hand him over.  I honestly don't know what I'm going to do about it.  This on top of the kids being increasingly oppositional to visits so much so that at the last one two kids loudly protested with major tears and one actually held onto the shopping cart I had saying "I'm not going".  Really.  Those kids have not changed their mind since the last visit.  I try to encourage them that they'll have fun but at the same time I feel like I'm breaking their trust forcing them to go with someone they don't want to go with and I can't promise them they'll actually be safe.  This is going to be very, very hard.

I don't write about this case much because on one hand I feel the need (for whatever reason) to keep this case as private as possible.  On the other hand, I also write pages and pages of notes for the caseworkers and CASA each week.  I think I'm just spent writing about it.  I'm really hoping this all works out for them to stay but in my heart I've already prepared to lose them.  Either way, my hubby and I have talked about this being our last case.

On top of all of that this week I found out that someone close to me is going through a sudden divorce.  This person is a foster parent who was in the middle of an adoption.  Out of spite, one party in the divorce called CPS to say the other one abandoned the family (didn't happen) and they needed to come pick up the kids right away, including the child they'd INTERVENED to adopt after parenting for nearly 18 months, most of this child's young life.  Divorce is hard enough.  Ripping a child out of a family forever, not only from the parent but also the siblings who are now going through the divorce AND the loss of the sibling is reprehensible.  This child knows no other family and she is loved greatly by (one) parent and all of the siblings. 

My heart is overwhelmed with this right now.  Both situations appear to be something that cannot be fought and won.  Hopeless is the right word in this situation.  And yet - we serve a God who is all powerful and good.  He is here, in this situation, loving all of his children through this pain.  The situation is not hopeless for He who holds the world in His hands.  I pray somehow this situation is turned into something that brings great glory to God and in the meantime I can comfort and be comforted.  Amen.

Tuesday's Tears: When You Should be Sad but You're Not (Really)

There were a couple things that happened in my life today that made me really rethink my heart, compassion fatigue, and my concern for people in general.  As foster parents, I believe it is important for us to stop and check our hearts for too much hardening.  It's easy to get jaded or start looking out for #1 (our own personal interests) more than the interests of the creator and those may not always be the same thing.  I don't want to be jaded.  I want to continue to show compassion to the people in my life, all of them, as much as possible.

There was a death in my family yesterday.  I was only mildly sad, in part because I knew it was coming, in part because I was hoping it brought relief to my relative and my relative's caregivers, and in part because I didn't know this particular relative well at all.  Not knowing a relative well (or at least decently well) is somewhat foreign in my very large but relatively close-knit family, but this particular relative is one of 2-3 that I could identify that I never really knew.  So generally I'm not sad, not like I was when my uncle was murdered a few years ago or how I would be if anyone else in my family passed away.  I am, however, sad that I'm not sad.  Does that make sense?  I wish the situation were different for many reasons, that he had led a life where I would have had a role, that I would have known him more, that my family would have felt supported by me more during this process.  That is what I care about at this point, that and how my dad is feeling about this latest death in his family.

There was also interesting things happening in the kids case yesterday.  I'm trying to really limit what I put out here about this case even though it is by nature more or less anonymous anyway (which is why you don't see our kid count anymore - it's still here, behind the scenes).  There were more missed visits this week, a legal situation during the one visit that did happen which promises to complicate future visits.  Oh the mixed feelings.  On one hand, I hate that my kids had to experience what they had to experience during their visit - there are certainly worse things that could have happened and generally they were safe but they shouldn't have to experience stuff like that.  No kid should.  We shouldn't be talking about what worse could have happened you know?  I also feel bad for the parent that this situation happened.  Sometimes there's just bad luck.  Sometimes there's bad luck combined with bad choices.  This is one of those cases (so it seems) - if the bad choices weren't there then the bad luck wouldn't be so bad - but still, I do feel bad for the parent and the kids that this is a negative in the situation.  At the same time, I'm hopeful that this is what it takes to get the tide turned in favor of the KIDS who need permanency.  There were actually several things about the last visit that *should not* look favorable for the parent but it's hard to say how they will actually affect the case.  One thing is clear - yet another set of visits was canceled and that could push the people involved to be more supportive of termination and quality permanency.  I'm hoping.  I feel bad that I'm happy that there was this point of failure for the parent because I genuinely do support reunification and never ever want kids to be separated from their family when they can be reunified safely.  I just haven't seen that "reunified safely" thing work in even 10% of my kids lives.  2/24 kids have been reunified "permanently" with the family they were removed from.  That's it.  Several have happy endings but I just haven't seen it work well very often and the "evidence" in this case is like those that weren't successful, not like those that were. 

Our kids decided they wanted to change their names last night.  They initiated the conversation (knowing Summer's name was changed when she was adopted - when the judge said she could stay forever).  It seemed to be their way of letting us know they want to stay forever, after the crazy of their visit (but we didn't talk about it that way).  They were all excited about their new names and then dropped the bomb - they were going to tell their parent about their new names when they saw them next.  *Insert screeching car sound here*  We put our foot down and had to stop their fun, insisting they be called their actual name not their selected name until the judge tells them they can change their name.  On one hand I want them to be able to daydream about whatever they want to daydream about.  On the other hand I don't want to be accused of trying to steal these kids or even trying to change their names (that has not, at all, been something my hubby and I have been involved with - we will only even consider that with any reality when everyone in the case is aligned on termination and a trial happens or a voluntary agreement is signed...that's it).  I don't want anyone to think we're trying to sabotage the parent's attempts to reunify because we're not.  BUT, the kids - what about what they want?  When does that count?

So today I'm taking inventory. I  don't really have good answers about what I *should* be feeling.  There are always mixed emotions in foster care and in life in general.  I'm glad I don't have to have all the answers.

Tuesday's Tears: My Weekend to Remember

Traffic was light on my blog this weekend.  I live in a fantasy world where that means everyone was gone doing a no-computer thing like I was.  It wasn't intentional - I was just busy having fun with my family doing things we don't normally get to do like the zoo and the museum and two sleepovers, a trip to the pool, snow cones, and a family get together.  And dodgeball.  And a visit with the new kiddos.  Yep.  That kind of stuff.  Welcome back from vacation everyone and welcome to summer!

Yes, we finally were able to visit our new kiddos this weekend.  It was just a short visit but it went much better than we expected and we're looking forward to our next one later this week.  It is a bit strange though.  We're waiting for the next call - another shoe to drop - letting us know that these kids are in fact not coming as we thought they were.  I think we both fully expect that call even though there is no reason to believe it will come.  What we do know and believe is that there is a good chance the kids will move in with us and then be ordered to leave only a few days later.  I guess we'll see.

In any case - everything about this weekend reminds mie of our journey now "3 years ago, today".  In case you haven't been around that long I recommend checking out my "1 year ago today" blog series, a real-life tale of complete chaos and sufficient tradgedy in my home.  This weekend there were plenty of reminders about it all besides the celebration of Memorial Day.  I silently remembered, day by day, what happened in our lives.  To add to it though there was the friend on Saturday who was wearing his new boot - the result of a broken ankle with torn ligaments.  There was the visit with our new kids and subsequent discussion about someone's plan to have them leave immediately after they arrived.  There was a relatives car troubles and my best friend's nephew's very serious motorcycle accident.  Really.  It was all there (and actually I didn't fully realize that until I started typing it out just now). 

3 years ago today my life was definitely hit by a hurricane that caused massive destruction and took a long time to recover from.  I'm still recovering.  For the most part I'm grateful for the experience as we learned a lot along the way but if I'm honest there are still parts of mie that suffer from long-term traumatic effects.  That season was very hard.  It's hard to believe I'll ever be at a point where I'm fully grateful for what we went through.  There's still bitterness and fear in my heart.  I know perfect love casts out all fear and I pray that will become evident here over time as well, sooner rather than later. 

Memorial Day is not about mie.  Corporately it is about celebrating and remembering those who gave their lives for our freedom and we outwardly paused as a family to acknowledge their sacrifice.  Personally though it has a new meaning added to it and I pray the inward pause that now brings fear and pain will eventually fully be replaced by one that glorifies God for His provision and healing.

What the WHAT (?!?) - Trying to decipher this plan...

I wish I could post a picture as the title of this post.  If I could, it would be the following:

Instead, I used the phrase my daughter has been saying recently.  (Where DO they get this stuff?)

So you know about our situation last week that is leading to a disrupted placement for #19 & #20.  You know about how #3's mom tragically died this week and we found out about it on the news.  (Did I mention she was shot in the head?  yeah...).  You also remember the craziness we've been through with #16 (a.k.a. "baby baby") and his siblings who were (sadly) sent back to their relatives by the judge on a technicality (from what I can put together)?

Well it's been rough around here.  It's been hard to put together all of the pieces and get a good understanding about why things have shaped up the way they have.  Why did we have to experience the safety issue in our home when things were otherwise going so well? Why did we need to go through all of that?  Why did my son and the boys have to start the bonding/healing process only to be moved to another family eventually?  Why did the judge send the other kids back?  What will happen to them?  To baby baby?    What's next for all of us?

I have an intense desire to have my life planned out before Mie.  In reality it is planned out so I should be happy but REALLY what I want is to know those plans, in detail, at all times.  That ain't happening and it makes me uncomfortable.

To make a long dramatic story short (about what's happened in the last few days, especially the last 24 hours), the plan is now certainly to have #19 & #20 moved.  Everyone seems to be in agreement with that.  That was "decided" last night.  This morning I contacted Baby Baby's case worker to let her know of the change in our situation.  When we previously accepted the placement I had contacted her first to make sure they wouldn't remove #16 from us if we accepted #19 & #20 so she knew we had them.  I wanted her to know that situation changed, just in case.  Two minutes later she called me back to let me know they want to move the siblings with us but it will take a little bit to get things in order on their end.

There are still some things to be worked out including court orders and licensing.  There is a complication in that when we request our license we are having to request from complete strangers, not our usual worker who is unavailable right now.  I know there is a little concern on their end, not knowing us, about mie being a working mom and having kids those ages.  We're hoping that it all works out.  We really are.  This was our dream situation when we started and we've been hoping and praying since it was presented to us that it would work out.

Could it be that it all works out this way tied with a pretty bow?

Tuesday's Tears: Permanently Changed (RIP)

Last night I went running with a friend.  I've been moody thanks to our recent experience with foster care.  Hormones hasn't helped, nor has extra regular stress. I thought going for a run would be a good way to shake the blues, burn some stress, give myself a mental break, and get some much-needed exercise.

It was.  I spent the whole run listening to a friend, making myself run just one.more.step, and thinking about my blog post today.  I was thinking about telling you how life-changing foster care is.  Many of us say that though we gripe about foster care and our experiences with the system we wouldn't trade our lives.  The kids, the life-lessons, the unshakeable awareness of the world out there that we'd otherwise shield ourselves and our families from are all things that have made us grow as people.

I thought about our recent situation.  We gave the county a little bit of time (2 weeks) to have the children moved from our home because we want them to go to a good place that can care for their specific needs, we didn't want to cause any more harm in the process, and we can keep them all safe in our home while a new home is found. We just don't want to take the life-long risk of further damage to our forever kids or living with this type of extensive safety plan if we don't have to, and we don't, and it will be better for them to live somewhere else.  The county counter-offered by suggesting only one of the children are moved.  This child needs to live in a place where no other children can be harmed.  This would include the bio-sibling who lives in our home.  So, as of now, the plan is to leave the bio-sibling in our home with us.  We'll see how this goes.

What I wanted to tell you though is that it doesn't matter what happens with these children.  Our lives are forever changed.  Having one child leave changes our family.  Having both leave changes our family.  Having both stay changes our family.  Every time we get a call, then bring a child into our home, then keep them for however long they stay, then participate in their forever plan (leave or stay), our family changes.  This isn't always bad but the reality of it is that it cannot be reversed.  I have had 21 children (1 bio, 1 adopted).  They all have been my children.  Knowing that 16 of them have left does not mean they have left our hearts or they are no longer our children.  Sure they no longer live with us but they are still ours in our heart.  They were still my children's siblings.  We have pictures and memories.  We were a family with each of them when they were here.  They might physically leave when they move away but they never leave our family.

This makes our current situation interesting.

But then...

After my run last night I was cleaning up the house with the local news on in the background when I heard about a police shooting nearby.  Unlike most events like this, they actually published the name of the person who had been shot.  I heard it.  I had to rewind to hear the story again, then again to show my husband.

Our lives are never the same.  The children - the families of the children - who come into our lives through foster care are forever part of us.

This person on the news - the deceased person - is my age and I knew her well.  She was the mother of one of my foster children.  The one I wrote this email to.  The one I wrote this about.  She was the one who let this happen.  I knew her, but of course because of the nature of the relationship (and I'm sure how long ago it was that we last talked), I didn't hear about her death from family or friends but instead on the news.

I'm so sad.  The entire situation is sad.  There are children who no longer have their mother, a fact being touted by the media and others against the police.  The reality is that the kids haven't had their mother in a long-time - it wasn't this incident that took her from them - and yet while she was alive there was still hope that one day they would have some quality relationship with her.  Now it's for sure - they won't have a relationship with her.  Half of the media/public is condemning the officer involved - something I am vehemently against both in support of the police AND knowing her personally.  Half of the media/public is condemning her for being a worthless "P.O.S" (I actually saw that) "druggie" "wanted felon" who deserved to die.  Clearly, most of these people didn't know her or her family.  They are people hearing a snippit of the situation and making judgments to make themselves feel better.  The reality is there are two sets of families grieving - the police officers and hers.  And ours, of course, though with the confidential nature of our cases we don't really have a place to grieve.

That, though, is not why I write.  Even years after this child left our home, even years after we spoke to her last as she was looking to me as a mentor & friend to help her mother and stay clean before she took off again, we deeply grieve.  We grieve her loss.  We grieve what could have been for her.  We grieve for our lost child whom we loved very, very much. We grieve the special role they asked us to play in his life forever that we were never able to assume after he left to live with relatives far away.  We grieve for him, and his sister, who will not grow up knowing quality love from their birth mother.  We grieve for our son who to this day asks about him and if he can come to visit - afterall, this woman and her then husband stood in our kitchen and promised him that he would be able to see their son again often.

Our lives will never be the same without him.  Or her.  Or any one of our other foster children no longer in our home.  Or their families.  It won't be better or worse.  It just won't be the same.

Tuesday's Tears - The Flawed System & Siblings Update

I am desperately trying not to become jaded by the system.  Not to become one of those foster parents and by that I'm not referring to the evil dangerous ones of which I will never be but one of those who are tired of fighting the system.

Our kids deserve better.  They deserve to have someone to fight on their behalf.  They NEED it.

Oh but It. Is. So. Hard.

Last week we finally learned the (initial) fate of our #16's siblings.  I'm told in a text message that court did not go well, that the judge finally ruled on the 14 day hearing (8 weeks later) and with no other rationale the kids were ordered back to the home they were removed from.  I do not know this home.  I do not know the family.  I just know what everyone has described to me.  This is not  a safe place for "my" kids to be.

There is now nothing that can be done about it (in the natural world).  Judge has ruled.  Despite whatever evidence there was to remove the judge has decided it wasn't enough.  Who knows what the reason was.  I wish I could tell you what I have been told about this place.  You would be furious.  I will tell you that it involves multiple dangerous scenarios in the same house, any one of which would warrant removal in many situations.  These kiddos have now lived without any family of their own for 2 months only to be sent back to the place they were "saved" from to begin with.  With all of that said, the investigating agency isn't left with much choice.

Now it must escalate far worse than it was in the past to get ANY help to those kids.  My guess is that there will be no services - the department can't give the perception of harassing the family now that the judge ordered the removal to be unwarranted (for whatever reason).  So if there was drug abuse or domestic violence or mental health issues - all of it can be left unchecked, unsupported, unhealed.  The kids would be left amidst it all.  If it got slightly worse - maybe they're left outside in the cold for a while, they show up to school dirty and hungry, they start showing up to school irregularly - there won't be anything the department can do?  Afterall - it will only go back to the same judge who will do the same thing and send them back.  Again.  It will have to escalate to violence toward the children.  Battered.  Bruised.  Bloody.  Probably multiple times.  Much quieter, deep neglect.  Even then...

I have been praying for these children since I knew they existed.  I've been praying they could be all together, including #16.  I've been praying they could come live with us.  Am I disappointed?  Yes, of course, I wish they could be at our home, all together, one big happy family.

But as foster care goes...

I am not even worried about my feelings.  The sadness I thought would be there for "losing" these children has been non-existent or at least greatly dwarfed by the feeling of despair and fear I have for these children.  I am genuinely concerned for them.  My heart hurts for them.

On paper adoption with us looks better for #16 when the siblings are where they are today.  The reality though is that with the judge's ruling as it was the future for baby baby may not be so bright either.  There will be pressure.  It will be a fight like none other to keep this child safe.  I don't even care anymore (well, I suppose I do some) whether they end up with us or not.

I just want to go to sleep at night knowing their safe, loved, and provided for.

I wish that wasn't too much to ask.

It isn't too much for the One who holds the world in his hands.  Please join us in praying for these siblings who desperately need miraculous intervention and everyone else in the world who through no fault of their own are victims of injustice.  They don't have to stay there...

Thankful Thursday - Stability

Our lives as a foster family lack any sense of normal.  They say in the world the only thing guaranteed to stay the same is that everything keeps changing - oh how true that is in our family.

I just dropped off #17 & #18 with the caseworker.  You know, the caseworker who had apparently never met them even though they had been removed in August and in our home since the end of December.  She knew nothing about them and nothing about us except for that my sister and I look alike.  I suppose that's good so she knew which random person at McD's she should walk up to in order to get the kids she didn't know.  I tried to prepare them the best I could.  I even broke out the Spanish so I knew they understood the words I was saying (we've been trying to teach them English so I've not been speaking much Spanish to them).  #17 was happy to go to his relatives house but I could tell it was a nervous smile and later was proven correct when he bumped his head ever so slightly and the flood of emotions came out. I asked him if he was crying because he didn't want to leave (in Spanish) and he said yes.  I felt horrible.  #18 just sat there with stoicism as she does when she isn't feeling safe.  I could see the terror in her eyes.  I hated every minute of it.

But now we go back to a new reality.  Our core family plus baby baby (who, in case you were wondering, has not had a ruling yet in his case afterall...).  Life is so much easier with our core family and it is remarkable how helpful it is to have the core family together when foster children leave.

Core.  Stable.  They go hand in hand.  Our core family is where our stability is at.  We know we will not leave each other the way our foster children leave.  We will be together as long as God allows.  In this time change, yet again, it is so comforting to have the core family come together again and enjoy each others' company.

This time we plan on going to Monster Jam this weekend.  It will be the first time Summer is old enough to come with us and we've invited a few extras to come along.  Monster Jam is stable and routine; we go every year and it's an opportunity for us to reconnect, have fun, and do something together that carries tradition with it.

We'll probably play games together tonight or help Logan prepare for the upcoming cup-stacking tournament.  We're going to eat Salmon.  Maybe we'll go out for ice cream.  I'll probably let my kids sleep in my bed.

So our life is changing once again.  One way or another I expect it to change again in the near future as baby baby's case receives the judge's ruling.  I hope he stays.  I hope his siblings will come with us.  Neither of those may happen.  Both might.

We really don't know how our life will shape up.  I hope you realize that neither do you even if you're not a foster parent.  But for today we will enjoy our core family, the stable things we're given and the promise that God will never leave us.

More Tears Today

I wrote yesterday's post before yesterday happened.  As I sat I had no idea that my life would take a turn even further into the "no permanency for YOU" world.

We have been waiting for 3 weeks now for a sibling group to join our home.  The people who removed them want them here.  The placement people want them here.  The new workers have been wishy-washy saying "they're not sure yet", so these kids wait and wait.

So do we.

I've turned down an adoptive placement while waiting.

My kids know that these other kiddos are out there waiting.

Baby Baby's future in our home is tied to these siblings so that if they don't come, he will almost certainly leave at some point.  (This is going to kill mie, and my son, and my husband.).

Yesterday we got a semi-answer.  Apparently the state (county) doesn't feel like people can handle 6 kids these ages (we're only licensed for up to 6 years old, so you can imagine what their ages might look like).  They think it will be detrimental for those kids, for our kids, for our family.  (Honestly I'm not sure how concerned they really are about that).

So the impact is that these children wait with NO family while there is a family eager to committ to them permanently, trauma and all.  We have had lots of experience with children these ages, as a large family, with similar traumas.  Yet the desire (I think) is to place them with a smaller family.  This means that they would have to be placed with a family that has NO kids or 1 (Imagine going from 0 or 1 to 4 or 5 with traumatic behaviors?  Jeesh.) or an older family with kids who are older (and therefore they are older, committing to raising at least 4 young ones).  *sigh*  The logic makes no sense to mie though I DO appreciate the desire to think through what's best for everyone.  I just wish they'd actually come see our family in action or maybe even read our homestudy.  Maybe talk to us or people who see us on a regular basis and realize that our family CAN handle this.

The further impact (if they're concerned about our family) is that the kids in our house will leave and 3 or 4 more children will come in a few weeks.  They will leave and 3 or 4 more will come in a few weeks - so in other words my family will have 5 or 6 kids in that age range ANYWAY and there's no guarantee (quite the opposite!) that they're going to have experienced less trauma.

Our hearts are defeated right now.  We did hear from someone yesterday that asked when we'd be ready to take the kids.  I could have been dishonest and not bring up the conversation from earlier in the day and instead said "bring them now!" - then they would have had to justify removing them from my home.  But that wasn't the RIGHT thing to do and if nothing else we're dedicated to doing the right thing for these kids.

I'm still trying to remember that God is in control.  This will work out and the kids will come to our home in the right time or they won't.  God is still on the throne and we can only assume then there is a better plan out there for us.  We shall see.  Thanks for coming on the journey with us.

Tuesday's Tears - Packing (and unpacking)

#14 & 15 have joined our home.  I have so much to write about with these two (separate cases).

#15 joined our home Friday night.  CPU called while I was wrapping things up for the day at work and a few hours later we were waiting by the door to welcome our newest family member.  She is the oldest child we've ever had (though not by much), which is proving to be a new experience for us.  We're all still feeling things out.

It was my favorite CPU worker who called.  I was excited when she was asking if we still had two spots available in our home.  I was disappointed when she said she had a single child to send to us.  Even more dissapointed when she described the scenario that makes it look very much like this will be a short-term placement.  We still hope to adopt.  We still hope to adopt a 2-3 member sibling group.  Ever since we opened up for our 3rd (5th) spot, we've had nothing but short-term singlets.  Short-term singlets are great and in many ways are easier than long-term sibling groups, nevertheless OUR plans are not coming to fruition as we'd hoped.

and the pattern continues...when will I learn?

This placement came with a few boxes worth of stuff (which is MUCH more than I can say for #14 who arrived with only a blank Lifebook).  Boxes from family go straight into the laundry room for sorting, washing, etc.  I didn't have a chance to open them until late Sunday night and found the usual smoke-filled mixture of random books, toys, and clothes of various (inappropriate) sizes.  And about a dozen pairs of sandals.  In December.

As frustrating as it can be to go through boxes like these (and subsequently have all of YOUR KIDS stuff smell like a bar no matter how hard you try (I didn't try vinegar, maybe I should have...), this time it made me pause.

A few days ago, someone packed up this child's belongs.

Someone who I have every reason to believe loved this child very much.  Regardless of whether or not they were able to care for #15 sufficiently, they most likely loved her.

I imagined a mother or grandmother quietly sobbing as she placed each item into the boxes (in this case, I believe there was at least a LITTLE time to pack rather than just dump a handful of items as quickly as possible).  I imagine she regretted the situation that led to that day.  I imagined she was beating herself up for the past choices made.  I imagined she was wondering how long it would be before she was able to see this child again, if ever.  I imagined her worrying about where this child was going - into foster care - and what type of home she'd be in, what her daily life would be like, what her future would look like.  Silent (or sobbing) tears streaming down her face.  Worry.  Fear.  Despair.

I put myself in that person's shoes.  I KNOW what that is like.  I've packed up my children's things.  I've thought those thoughts.  I've said goodbye to my children knowing that I'd likely never see them again - hoping they'd know I wasn't getting rid of them, that I loved them, that I was still their mom even when they weren't in my house any longer they were still part of our family.  Forever.

The stuff stinks.  At least half of it is not the right size and even more is not the right season.  I'm sure it has been contaminated with whatever was in that home.

But that doesn't really matter does it?  It's just stuff.  I can't say for sure, but I imagine the act of packing up those boxes was FAR bigger than purging stuff.  Imagine being a biological mom (many of us can) who is packing up your child's baby things.  Remember all the reminiscing, the good memories, the sadness that this phase is over.  Maybe you store it in the attic - maybe you donate - maybe you save for later.  Usually when you're done you replace those things with bigger, newer things that provide hope for the days to come - things that represent a new phase of life that still includes your child who you're watching grow and learn and mature.  Who you still get to tuck in at night.  Who you still get to hug in the mornings.

When this person packed up these things they did so knowing the child would be leaving as well.  At this point, there is no child for them to turn to, no bigger size to put in the drawers, no smiles to see or new things to watch her learn.  She is with mie.  I get to enjoy those things as I look down my nose at the nasty stuff that they sent.  That stuff that represents so much more.

I don't know this family yet - I don't know much of anything about them.  They may be the bane of my existence one day.  They may do things that drive me up the wall in the future.  (they may be great!)  What I know today is that there is a family who has lost their child, if only temporarily for now, whose hearts must be in a state of despair.  Later I might have to deal with visits and phone calls and dirty looks.  Right now I can pray.  I can pray for them that they might find hope in these desperate circumstances.  That they find the love of our Savior and their lives can be redeemed, one day being reunited with this child with joyous celebration.  I can pray for mended hearts and love.

I can't fix their family.  I can't fix the demons that haunt their lives.  I can't make them make better choices.  But I can pray for hope.

Do Something.

Tuesday’s Tears – Sending Kiddos Home

We finally have a date for our current foster kiddos to go home.  After one more transition visit (overnight) they will come home to us one last time before leaving Friday morning.  This brings us really mixed feelings.

Let me point out that generally we are excited about this transition.  Very excited.  It’s always nice to see the system work in that the children get to go back home to their mother (or father, or whomever they were removed from).  It’s nice to know that people can change and get 2^nd (or 3^rd, or 4^th…) chances in life (sometimes).

Transitions like this bring so much possibility with what could be for our family.  As we go down to 2 kids I see even more outings that are easier to manage.  I want to take my kids to see the newest Ice Age movie and can only imagine how much easier it will be with my 2 than the current 4.  I’m looking forward to cleaning and organizing my house, having more cuddle time with my 2 forever kiddos, and maybe a few later-night ice cream or pool parties.  Maybe pulling out the tent and having a sleepover with them.  These are things that either can’t be done with fosters or are very difficult to manage when you have a bigger family.  My kids get along very well so I look forward to them playing together and building a closer bond as the other playmates leave.  And though the kids I have are generally good kids there are certain behaviors and challenges with these kiddos I will not miss at all as they leave.  Our house will be much less screamy.  My back will be less strained.  These are all the benefits of losing them from our home but we also look forward to the way our family can develop after they leave.  When will our next call be?  What type of placement will it be?  How many?  What ages?  What gender?  There are countless possible answers to those questions to daydream about.  There will be one specific answer – our next placement.  That is all very exciting.

Typically as transitions near my husband and I relish in the benefits of children leaving.  If you hung around us much you might think that we’re cold and heartless, that we don’t love the children, that we won’t miss them, that we won’t be saddened at all.  This is far from the truth.  We will miss “our” kids – afterall they have been “ours” now for more than ½ a year.  We will wonder what will happen with them.  Though we know they will be loved we wonder how the transition back home, and all the ideals they have in their head, will affect them.  Given our history, we wonder if they will stay where they are going.  This time we wonder how this will all affect our daughter as it is the first transition after her adoption and where she is old enough to realize the difference between permanency in the home and transient relationships (daycare) and yet not old enough to fully understand what is happening or be able to verbalize what she’s going through.  We don’t worry quite as much about our son as this is old hat to him but we do worry about how this all “becoming old hat” will affect him and what we can do to minimize the hurt he feels as his brothers and sisters come and go.  

As we drove to the store last night, after an extended visit, #9 sang mie this song (she likes to sing):

“I’m going to leave you…I’m not coming back…I’m not going to be in your family anymore…I’m not going to miss you”.  Then she laughed. 

Before I say how I feel first let me say I know this is confusing times for her and is expected from any child being tossed from home to home.  These are big feelings for a little one to process and express.  Within the ride to and from the store she also mentioned how I shouldn’t cry (I wasn’t) when she goes even if I miss her because she’ll come back after her visit – “don’t be sad mommy”, about how she had “THIS MANY” (2 fingers) families and how we’re her family and her birth family is her family, and how she isn’t leaving.  She can talk a lot J So she’s confused and probably dealing with mixed feelings and some fear about the uncertainty she faces as we continue through this transition.  I don’t blame her one bit.

But it hurts to hear something like that song.  One hard part about foster care, aside from not being able to guarantee the kids are safe when they leave your home, is to know that you will always be second best.  No matter how much love you pour out, how stable your family is, or even how much “stuff” you can give the kids, there is always a high-likelihood that at some point your kids will reject you as “not the REAL family”.  Forget about those grocery store comments from strangers, when “your” kids point it out it really sucks.  You can pour out your heart into kids over and over again, you can face sleepless nights and countless court dates and appointments, your whole family can open their lives, their hearts, and their homes to welcome you in as an equal family member, and yet in the end when kiddos go home it feels as if it was all wasted because you are rejected anyway.

Of course this isn’t about mie and it’s not all wasted.  There are homes out there that aren’t good homes.  Who knows what could have happened to our kids if they weren’t with us for however long we had them.  Hopefully we helped them heal and learn to trust while they were with us.  Hopefully they had some experiences that were fun and memorable.  Ideally we planted seeds so that in time Christ’s love above all will become apparent.  We have also learned something from each of our placements about how to be better people and better parents.  As we go through transition we hold on to these truths…that we do matter and that it IS worth it…so that the momentary pain of words said (or sung in this case!) out of confusion, fear, and pain are much more manageable and bearable.  It is why we focus (and talk about) the benefits of having the children leave, so that the pain of rejection and fear of the unknown associated with being foster parents can be subdued by hope for what is to come.

Join mie in praying for #9 & #10 and their family, so that as this transition continues it is smooth and joyful, that we have wisdom to share with them to ease their fears, calm their nerves, and help them process those big feelings.  Pray too for our forever kiddos, that they are comforted as their brother and sister leave and that they find solace as we reunify as a core family.  May this be a time of celebration.

Foster Parent Friday - Do You Get to See Them Anymore?

Q: How are they doing?  Do you ever get to see (talk) to them?

(And by them of course they mean our former foster children.)

A:  One of the hardest things people have to overcome when they consider becoming a foster parent is the idea that they will bond to a child and then be heartbroken once the child leaves.  I think this perception is a major deterrent for people who may otherwise consider caring for other people's children.  In reality, it's not that the heartbreak doesn't happen, but those of us who choose to continue to foster parent do so despite the pain because we know that what we do in fostering is a good and necessary thing, something far greater than ourselves in the big picture.  We sacrifice our comfort because there are children who are suffering on some level usually through absolutely no fault of their own.

I've seen too much now.  If I know there is a child who is shivering in bed, filthy while their parent gets high or is facing some other abuse or neglect I can no longer sit back and be comfortable myself.  It's just not an option anymore.  I can't ignore what's happening beyond the comfort and safety of our home and stable little family.  I just can't.

So we end up getting this question a lot because it's related to the idea that a normal parent can't get attached to a child and then never see them again.  That just can't be right?

The ability to maintain contact with foster children after they leave your home has as much variation as their are different cases out there.  For every parent, child, legal, moral, and purely logistical situation that's out there, there is a different ability to maintain contact in a different manner.  It all comes down to the best interest of the children, really.  At least it should.

Generally it would be in the best interest of the child to maintain some contact with the foster parents, assuming the foster parents and the child had built a fairly successful bond.  This is clearly not a hard and fast rule and is affected by so many things.  For instance, if the bond between the foster parent and the child is and continues to be stronger than the bond between the child and the biological (or adoptive) parent, it may be in the best interest to wean ties between the foster parent and the child to enable the other bond to form better.  Then again, the foster parent may have the best shot at helping the child to be encouraged to trust the new family and therefore form a healthy attachment.  It just depends.

It also depends on what's best for the foster family, but only second to what's best for the child.  Sometimes the family the child returns to may be safe for the child but not for the foster family.  Though I've experienced grateful bio-families, there are some who resent the foster family and could potentially seek to harm them.  Though I think that is more rare in a reunification situation, it is something to consider.

Let's talk my situation(s) because that's what I know the most.

• Case 1 - haven't heard from them (#1 & #2) since they left.  I've been able to follow their case online and then again a little bit when they asked us to consider adopting these two.  Basically, I've been able to follow them from a very far distance and I know what happened to them, generally, but we haven't seen them or talked to them or anyone else in the case since they left.  This makes me sad a bit because they were supposed to be adopted by a non-relative and I know that person doesn't have any early pictures.  I have a ton from when they were with me and would love to give them to that person but have no way to know who it is or how to contact them (I've tried, but CPS won't cooperate, which is irritating).
• Case 2 - I talked frequently with his mom in the few weeks after #3 went home.  She called me to ask if certain things he did was normal and how to handle some of his behaviors.  We texted back and forth several times and she even gave me his social security number so I could claim him on taxes.  I knew something was wrong when that communication stopped.  I hoped that she'd moved on and was doing well and was just too busy to keep in contact or even that it was difficult for her to keep talking with us because it reminded her of her mistakes, but in my heart I knew better.  Sure enough just a couple weeks later we got a call that he'd been removed again, this time permanently, and he moved with his grandmother.  She created a page on facebook for him and I can follow him there (she invited me, or his father did...) but they don't keep it updated and I have no way of following him now.  This was hard because his parents asked us to be his Godparents and we took that request seriously. Plus because of the way it was going my son believed there would be further contact - he still talks about it to this day, about how he misses him and wants to see him.
• Case 3 - we adopted her.  Future contact secure :)
• Case 4 - We only had them for 2 weeks.  There wasn't much bonding nor an agreement to keep communication open.  They went to another foster home that was open to adopting them.  I do wonder how they are and thought about #6 on her birthday.
• Case 5 - I do communicate with mom through email and text occasionally.  We both reach out to see how each other are doing.  She'll text me to let me know something cute #7 did or said, usually related to his relationship with us.  One day she told mie that he said he missed us and loved us.  One day just last week she told mie that he was playing in his room and drove his car to our house to see our son and said "Hi, I love you" to us as he "drove to work". I think there is an opportunity here to do more, maybe scheduling playdates and such.  I haven't proposed the idea to mom yet because I didn't want to intrude during the first few months they were home.  I'm hoping we can get back together because I do think it will be important for our kids.
• Case 6 - they're still here!

In reality, it's difficult to keep in contact with the kids once they leave and so, as you can tell I really don't have much contact with any of my kids now.  Many times the parents or future families are resistant to that contact.  They often want to go back to normal with their kids, kind of pretending the whole CPS nightmare didn't happen, and because of that they don't want to keep talking with the foster parent.  Though I can understand that, I try beforehand to talk with them about how the transition will affect their kids and go out of our way to provide some avenue for contact.

They encourage lifebooks, a scrapbook of sorts for the foster parents to keep up with while the kids are in care so that the kids don't loose that part of their life.  I haven't seen that work yet for a variety of reasons (not the least of which if they reunify and then get removed again it's unlikely the parents are going to send the lifebook with the child), nevertheless I still think ongoing contact is more important than pictures, which are better than nothing.

So no, not really, you don't get to talk with them or see them after they leave.  I do my best to assume their doing well and pray for them and maintain as much contact as I can manage.  It's just part of the gig.

Thankful Thursday - Goodbye #7 & #8!

Earlier this week I told you that #7 & #8 went home.  In honor of Tuesday's Tears, I focused on the gut-wrenching part of their departure and how we felt.  As has been our experience, when foster children leave there is actually a strong ambivolence and that is probably strongest with the end of this placement.  Leaving the story with the tears would not be telling the whole story, at all, and it's really important in my mind that I also convey to you something that is very hard to explain - there is a joy in having foster children leave. 

That is very true in this case.

I went through the case in the earlier post - how we never really knew, even until the moment they left (which was 45 minutes later than planned, go figure) how this case would turn out.  And if I learned anything about foster care-to-date, even when they leave the case is far from over.  All of our kiddos have come back into care and so far we've been asked to take them all back.  It's a bit early for that to have happened in this case.  Surely they can make it through one week.  And while we hope that they have a successful return home (really, we really do), it's not something we're necesarily counting on this time.  We didn't expect it in other cases, but we do expect it this time and that in and of itself contributes to the sadness for the kiddos.

So we were in limbo the entire time on where their case would lead. This was very bad for the kiddos because #7 especially needed a lot of help understanding permanency and since we didn't know what that looked like it was hard to help him feel safe. What a tradgedy of the system this time.

But we're still thankful they have gone home.  Maybe it's God's way of preparing our lives to be foster parents, but when we know children are going home we begin looking forward to life without them.  This is very hard to explain.  It makes us sound like we have no heart.  When I answer "not really" every time someone asks if it's hard for kids to go home, it's not because we don't experience pain but rather because we've learned to let that go and focus on the bright side wherever possible.  And there's almost always a bright side.  I'm sure of it.

Foster parenting is hard.  Parenting 4 kids is hard.  Parenting 2 2-year old girls and 2 boys (4 & 5) is hard.  Therapeutic parenting is hard.  Having a child in the home whose RADish is hard.  It's a lot of work!

Is it really all that hard to believe that there's some relief from going from all of that to one 2 year old and one 5 year old, neither of which are very high-maintenance? 

We're enjoying our rest, we're enjoying that things are easier, but most of all we're enjoying the peace in our home.  You see, the behavior we've experienced over the past 6 months has been constant opposition.  It doesn't matter what you ask/tell one of our children to do, it was almost always instant opposition, a fight, whining, crying, tantrum throwing, and it was not a 2-year-old.  It did get better through therapeutic parenting - we were able to curb the "vomiting on command" and reduce the length and intensity of most opposition, but it was still there.  Constantly.  Now add to that behavior the behavior that naturally comes with 2 2-year-olds and an annoyed "big boy" and you get a lot of chaos.  It was a managed chaos.  We could handle it.  But it was exhausting.  

Now imagine all of that as a single parent.  I'm not one, but 4 days a week I am including weekends, my days off from work which means I only get to co-parent 3 weeknights each week.  That's it. 

Now add-in all the chores that we have to do.  Remember all the behaviors and the schedule.  Now think about taking them all grocery shopping. The trips are long just because there are 4 kiddos in tow but they are long because of the amount of groceries that need purchased.  Think about all of the laundry and how all of it needs to be done either after the kids go to bed or while the kids are playing with it...

Need an example - some imagery? One night a couple weeks ago I finally got to the laundry about 8pm on Sunday night. By that time I had about 9 loads of laundry waiting for me to fold, hang-up, iron, and put away. Except I can't put most of the clothes away because then I'd have to chance waking the kids up as I go in their room (that's where hubby's schedule helps...he can put away for me when kids aren't home!). So I spent 3 hours just folding and then about 11:15 pm finally started the process of getting ready for bed. No time to iron, hang-up, or put away. Hubby doesn't have much time Monday's to put away, so I usually get to it Monday night or he gets to it Tuesday mornings. (I also usually get some of it done over the weekend so it's not 9 loads all at once, but I digress...). Except, for whatever reason that weekend the kitchen was also a disaster so I made the decision to let the kiddos play while I cooked dinner and cleaned the kitchen after dinner MOnday night. I have an open floor plan and should have realized what they were quietly doing but they seemed happy so I didn't interrupt. When I finally had the kitchen sparkling I joined them in the living room.
They had thrown ALL of the laundry that I'd folded the night before into a pile on the living room floor (which hadn't been vacuumed or swept yet so you can imagine it wasn't THAT clean). Now it's about 8pm on Monday night, I have to get the kiddos off to bed, I've just spent a few hours cleaning the kitchen, and now, I know I have to refold all of the laundry - which I knew had taken me 3 hours to fold the night before.

Are you pausing to bow your head and collect yourself yet?  That's about where I was.  A big sigh.  A deep breath.  Then back to it.

That's what it's been like for the past 6 months.  It's been hard. 

Now that #7 & #8 are back home, presumably happy and with their reunited family, our family is back to a family of four.  One incredibly compliant and pleasant and intelligent 5 year old who is really sweet.  One good-natured and adorable just-turned-two little girl who we're all giddy about because we're about to adopt.  They play well together.  Less laundry.  Less groceries.  Less work.  No more defiance and opposition beyond that naturally expected from a 2-year old and that which is easily manageable. 

Can you see how sending foster kiddos home might be rewarding too? 

Don't get me wrong, it's been incredibly rewarding being their parents.  We love them.  We wish the best.  We love having a big family and though the work is daunting there is also that much more joy from laughter and all that comes with lots of kiddos around.  Good stuff.  There's nothing like that joy you get as a therapeutic parent when one of your kiddos has a breakthrough moment. 

It's worth it, which is why we'll continue to foster.  We're not currently on the list.  We've agreed to wait at least until the end of next week to enjoy this downtime and then we'll talk about it to see if we need more time.  We'll see.  We can't imagine not having more kiddos in our home and doing it all over again.  Call us crazy, but we love being foster parents and can't imagine having kiddos out there who need a home who'd fit with us go to another bad fit just because we were afraid of more craziness. 

We'll keep you posted on that.  Right now we're enjoying our little break and looking forward to #4's adoption, which is scheduled next week.  That's right - it's actually scheduled to be done and over with by the end of the week NEXT WEEK!!!!  Can you believe it? .....

Tuesday's Tears - 60 failed chances...

My son's birthday is coming up later this week.  I'm so excited for his 5th birthday.  I'm so excited for him to be turning 5 and for the chance to have him in our lives and watch him grow and help him learn.  He brings mie so much joy and I hope and pray that he always knows how valuable he is to us and to the One who made him. 

I hate that fact that as a kid you can never really know how much your parent loves you.  I believe you can't really know or understand that until you're a parent yourself.  Then, at least to mie, the full circle of understanding fills in - at least from a natural perspective.

Unfortunately, this week in it's timely way, is also a reminder of how infertile we really are.  You may be familiar with the stages of grief (if not look here... ), and as the article points out you may be aware that people tend to transition through the stages of grief not once but potentially many times over the years, often spurred by some sort of significant event or milestone.  If you lost a loved one - maybe it's a birthday.  If you're infertile, maybe it's a baby shower invitation.  Or the 5-year milestone without a(nother) pregnancy.

5 years.  60 months.  60 chances (in my world) for pregnancy.  60 failed chances.  60 dissapointments.  60 reminders of our inability to conceive.  60.  Sixty.  5 years.

no, my cycle did not come back the first month after my son was born...it came back 1 year to the day if you're curious.  That's not the point.

I probably should have waited to write this post until later, when I'm home by myself.  I'm tearing up.

I don't think about infertility that often.  I kind of balance between acceptance and denial.  Most of the time I'm happy with where our life has turned out and I can mentally process that God let us be infertile because otherwise we would never have pursued foster care and adoption.  I am almost 100% sure of that.  And even if I want to refuse to admit that we could have been "destined" to be foster parents, I can't at this point go back and reconcile that if we weren't foster parents we wouldn't be facing an adoption of a little girl who except for the Judge's signature is our daughter.  I'm happy as a foster mom and I love being one.  I know if I had more kiddos biologically it wouldn't have turned out this way and I'm almost, almost at the point where I'd be ok not trading our experience for fertility.

Then the curse of secondary infertility hits.  Well, we're not really infertile.  We have a son.  It happened once, it could happen again.  Who am I to limit God?  I mean, last month wasn't our month but maybe that's because He was waiting for His perfect timing and this month is it!  I've always go tstome story in my head of how it could turn out...if I were pregnant this month then I'd have found out around my son's birthday - after 5 years...what a story!  And then, if I were pregnant this month we could have waited to tell everyone until after #4's adoption....then we too would be one of the anomalies - you know, pregnant after adoption - I wouldn't care if everyone said "see I told you so...you just had to relax".  *Big eye roll*

There's been this balancing point in mie for the last, oh, however long since we did the testing.  If I'm honest, longer than that.  At least for the last 3.5 years - when my son was 18 months old and I knew that wasn't "right".  But I had a ton of excuses.  I was nursing.  I was stressed with school and work and home and baby.  it wasn't God's timing.  We just were missing our timing.  Yeah, all those ones.

I wasn't ready to give up the dream of having another biological child.  I had my son days from turning 25.  When we were officially diagnosed I was 27.  Though I could understand that I might never have another child from my womb again, I wasn't ready to give up the idea that it might happen.  I've had a glimmer of hope that one day I'll get to experience it again.  I couldn't imagine that in my 20s I was done with one live birth.  I know people often have an age when they would *stop* having kids, often 35, but I never imagined I'd be done with pregnancy, childbirth, nursing, etc. at 24.

But the glimmer of hope has faded to a sliver. Most of the time I don't even think about it. Most of the time it's faded in acceptance of the life we now have - the opportunities we have through foster care that we would never have had...I mean really, how many people have had the experience of boy/girl infant "twins", girl-girl infant "twins", going from 3 to 1, having 4 kids with 4 different fathers, and many, many other "parenting" experiences that we've had. When it all boils down, we've been able to experience so much that most parents never "get the chance" to experience.  Most of the time - that is why the hope has faded...it's drowned out by enjoying the life we have rather than wishing for a life we don't.

There are times though, like now, when the cost of our path is abundantly clear.  The payment (for us) to experience life like we know it now is that we don't get to have more biological kids.  We suffer with the knowledge that all the experiences we mentioned above would *ideally* end in the child returning whole and healthy to their biological parents who would keep them that way.  We will never have *control* over what our family looks like and experience "trying" like "normal" couples.  I may never get to nurse again.  I may never get to be pregnant and feel a baby kick inside my tummy.  I may never get to give birth again, in any fashion.

There's something about 5 years - 60 months.  You'll notice I said above "I may never..." - the hope is not altogether lost.  My God is bigger than my thoughts.  I have no idea what He has in-store.  I've been letting go of Mie and that means I've been learning how to be open and anticipating the craziness only He could imagine for us.  But that 60 month mark.  Wow...it gave the door a good wind to almost seal it shut.

And that sends mie right back through the grief cycle.  Will I ever give up the idea for good?  Probably not.  I'll probably be 80, having had a complete hysterectomy, and still hoping that next month will be it.  That's just the way I am.  But I hope I'm more and more ok with what God has in-store for mie as I continue to move forward.  That's better than the alternative.

My cycle started again on Saturday.  It was about 5 days late, presumably because I started with the exercise/training program.  Long-enough to get me dreaming and thinking and fuel the fire of hope in my heart.  Short-enough for mie not to have taken a test (please...at this point I'd have to be like 8 months late to take a test...).  Either way the result was the same - not pregnant.

And that's probably how I'll stay I suppose.  But maybe, maybe....

Tuesday's Tears - 9/11

10th anniversary of 9/11. 

It's hard to believe that 10 years have gone by. 

I didn't participate in any of the "where were you..." conversations on Facebook - I didn't want to reduce the memory to a gimmick or somehow reduce the gravity of the situation that way.  (I'm not saying that was everyone's intention, it just felt that way for me).  I will share with you where I was.

I was in college at the time, in my final year, taking all my classes on Tuesday's & Thursdays so I could work full-time on the other days.  It was a hectic schedule and meant I had to drive to school by 7:30 for my first class and I wouldn't be done until 7ish at night.  That morning, a Tuesday, I was up with the sun to get ready for school and as was the tradition in my parents house I turned on the news as I woke up.  I was in LA, so right around the time I turned on the tv the first plane had just hit and they didn't know much but obviously it was a big deal.  I remember watching the second plane hit the 2nd tower live on the Today show, which is weird because I also don't remember the Today show normally coming on until 7.

I went in to wake up my mom and tell her what was going on.  We watched together for a while and we heard about the Pentagon and watched as both towers fell.  Along with the rest of America, we were in shock and completely saddened.  We calculated that based on the reports of how many people worked in the WTC, a population the size of our moderate-sized hometown could very well have been just wiped out.  A lot of people.

The professor for my first class had a strict 'do not miss class' rule, probably spurred by the fact that it was typically a frosh-soph class and it started at 7:30am. I decided to go ahead and go to class. Some had heard but in that bubble that was a college campus many were not aware of what was going on. I remember after class more people knew about it and everyone was talking, shocked, and grieving. When you saw a plane in the air (traffic was grounded but it took a while for all flights to land) it struck instant fear - is this another location planned? In LA we wondered how many people we lost on the planes because the destination of some of the planes was believed to be LA - maybe some people were returning home.


After that first class I couldn't stay on campus any longer. I wanted to be with my family. So I left school for the day and stopped first at our church where my boyfriend (now husband) worked at the time. He had to finish something up so I hung out with him for a while, watching the news constantly, and then later we went to my house to be with my family.

I don't remember much else of that day, other than going out at least once to either drive my husband home (maybe we decided to take one car?) or visit his family, which I only remember because I remember driving and watching the sky vigilantly.   The memories I have are so interesting.  I remember a special church service that Wednesday.  I remember not wanting to do anything but be with my family.  I remember struggling to find meaning in most of my usual activities and hard to "return-to-normal", and I was pretty darn far from all things ground zero.  I was an American - and this hurt our home.

10 years later - the memories of 9/11 are still so real.  In some ways it feels like yesterday.  As I was talking with my son about the events I cried - that surprised me a bit.  I have worked in two skyscrapers, both near an airport, and I'm reminded frequently as planes fly by fairly low, of the events of 9/11.  But yet in many ways so much has happened in my life in the past 10 years - it feels like ages ago.  I live in a new state, I'm done with that degree and have added another but yet I still find myself in school finishing up the Ph.D.   My then boyfriend proposed 6 months later, we were married by the end of the 2002, and since have moved 4 times and I gave birth to our amazing son.  I've had 10 jobs since then - 9 of which are with the same company. 

Life has moved on for us - which is something I'm so very profoundly grateful for on many fronts.  We have been granted more time - many were not.  We did not lose our lives or immediate family members - many were not as lucky.  We have been able to continue to grow and develop and live in freedom.  Yes, things are different now and a world without 9/11 would have been much better in many, many ways.  I would have preferred an idealistic world where my son didn't have to learn about such an event in history.  But it is our reality and maybe moving forward with life cognizant of mortality can be a blessing because we have the opportunity to savor each day if we choose to.

Foster Parent Friday - From Fostering into Adoption

Q: How long does it take before a foster placement turns into an adoptive placement? And, how long does it take for you to know that you want to adopt the foster placement? And, how long does it take for you to know that you will be the adoptive home?

A: There is no easy way to answer any or all of these questions. First though, I'd recommend starting here to brush up on how long placements last and why...it kind of makes a difference.

In this case, I'm going to focus on pure foster care cases rather than adoptive placements. Going the straight adoption route is something very different and not something I have direct experience on yet. (Though, if you have questions on that I probably can still answer, just send mie an email).

As referenced in the link above, we typically plan on cases lasting between 12-18 months. Ideally, by that time we'd know for sure if the case was going to adoption, and then ideally at that point the adoption would be on its way to being finalized. There is no "ideal" situation in adoption though so not let's get into the practical.

Practically, we almost always plan for the case to go home. Not only is that usually the plan through at least half of the case (6 months) but it's also just easier for us to try not to get too attached. Inevitably though, the circumstances of the case begin to come out over time and we get a better feel for what the issues are and whether or not the parents are going to be able to get their children back. In our experience, we've had a good understanding of whether or not the parents are going in the right direction to get their kids back within 3-4 months. By 5 months in, the state has a 2nd permanency conference to determine the direction of the case. In all but one of my cases, the decision at that conference has correctly indicated what will happen to the children, whether they will return home or if an alternative placement will be found.

Here's why - even though a case usually has 12-18 months (let's call it 12; 18 is supposed to be by exception only), the time allowed per case typically includes the time to get the child to their permanent home. If you really think through the situations that might lead someone to a CPS case (let's say drugs, violent behaviors, long-term prison sentences, etc.) there are only a handful that can be adequately resolved in 6 months. So, after the first 6 months, if the parents have done nothing to move their case forward, it's often unlikely that another 6 months will help. Not impossible, so foster parents and the state always have to be aware and provide the opportunity for parents to make appropriate life changes even in the last 6 months, but if a parent isn't making progress for the 1st 6, he/she probably won't. A case going toward reunification has much different activity than a case going toward termination (please keep in mind, I'm not a social worker, just an observation and common sense). It takes a while for the state to find the right permanent home for a child. If a kinship placement is chosen a homestudy is required and those can take a while especially when dealing with another state. The court system takes a while, etc. So bottom line, by 6 months in there is a good feeling on whether the state is going to ask for reunification or for termination.

If the state is going toward reunification, in my experience the parents are working their visits and I've had a good relationship with the parents. In our experience, we've been happy to support parents working toward getting their kids back. So though we love those kiddos too, it's a little bit easier to avoid thinking about adoption. You're part of a system that is trying to get the kiddos back with a particular set of parents and you have a job to do within that system.

It is much different when the state believes it might be or is going toward termination. At any point in a case the state looks for kinship (family) placements. I've noticed a more active search once the decision has been made about termination. So, the first thing is to determine if termination is the goal. The second is to determine if there are any family members. Depending on how long the case has been going on, by 6 months in you have a good sense of what family members are there and maybe interested and when there are no qualified kinship placements. That's not to say someone won't "pop-up" but certainly you have an idea of the family structure. Usually, but not always, when there are interested kinship placements they have come forward participating in conferences, hearings, and often times visits. That is not always the case, but in my experience has been true.

So if and only if they've exhausted their resources trying to identify kinship placements does the case go toward an adoptive placement with a non-relative. Almost always, the foster parent gets first choice because they have had the next-longest relationship with the child and that is presumably better than moving the child to a stranger's home. Depending on where the case is with termination, if the foster parent chooses not to adopt they will either place the child in an foster-to-adopt home (usually prior to termination) or they'll place the child in a pre-adoptive home (post termination and appeals). Ideally, this will be their last placement.  Here's a good post on the risks of foster care adoption.

Specifically, I've outlined our cases below, including the outcome, the time we thought we knew the outcome, and when we officially knew the outcome.

Case #      Outcome      Placement      "thought we knew"      Official Notice     Notes

1              Termination        Kinship           within 4 weeks                about 5 months       Moved to kin @ 2 mo
2              Reunification       Parents          4 months                         5 months               Terminated after return
3              Termination          US!               2 months                        7-8 months             to be adopted...
4              Moved Homes - only had for 2 weeks but expected termination - who knows...
5              Reunification      Parents          1 day (6 months)           4 mo (10 months)       Still with us

 I don't know if that helps. I think we've had a good feeling about most cases within the first few weeks and were typically right but every single case has had twists and turns so that even though our first guess has usually been right it has never been a clear path to get there. Even with case #3 even though we are currently the sole consideration in her adoption and we did the homestudy last night, something could happen where that plan changes and we have to be prepared for that.

Bottom line, until the judge signs the final judgements and adoption decree (when necesary), no one knows how the case will turn out.
I'm going to wait to address the "how did you know when you wanted to adopt" question in another post because it really has a whole different set of criteria that are only partially impacted by the way the court case is going.