Guest Post: Intentional Parenting - Buildling Your Child's Safety Net

I came across Stacy from To Have Hope through an announcement about her new book (referenced below).  As both a foster and adoptive parent to children with traumatic backgrounds the idea of having hope was more than enough to hook mie.  We all need support on this journey.  (Speaking of - have you donated yet?).  I love what Stacy's doing and I love her message.  I asked her to share a bit with us on some of the key points that drive her mission.  After you read, I highly recommend you check out her new book, her website, and the many resources she's made available.

As we have walked our twelve year journey as adoptive parents, it has become glaringly clear that we must be Intentional Parents. We must make the choice to do “it” differently than other families, do “it” longer than other parents and sometimes do “it” under the microscope of all the bystanders in our lives. The reality is that parenting adopted/foster children has to come from a place that is rooted in meeting your child where he or she is …emotionally, psychologically, physiologically and physically, whether or not society, or even your own instincts, agree.


The question quickly becomes how? How do we deal with the everyday hurdles that get in the way of creating strong, healthy relationships such as lying, stealing, tantruming or aggression? I strongly believe that the answer is to intentionally choose to create a plan that will build your child’s safety net. A safety net is that assurance of survival an infant receives beginning in utero, the assurance that will eventually be the foundation of self-esteem, intelligence and that all important sense of belonging and worthiness. The safety net is the promise of survival. It is the respirations, heart rate and calming voice an infant is born knowing as its source of nourishment - first, nourishment for growth, but later nourishment that lends itself to creating a safe place from which your child can come-and-go to explore the world, learn that he can make a positive impact on it and then operate in relationships with a healthy sense of his own Bneeds and the needs of others. Unfortunately, our children come to us with their nets terribly damaged or totally gone; they have learned not to rely on that net—they have a difficult time trusting others, being parented and participating in intimate relationships. They need a net. Better yet, they deserve a net!

We follow a simple formula to help us intentionally build and maintain each of our children’s safety nets. The formula has to be considered a living, breathing entity because we are dealing with living, breathing children. Even though the components are numbered, it is meant to be used more in a cyclical fashion. With each developmental stage or life event, our children are being challenged and we will most likely need to revisit portions of the formula over and over again.

Component 1 – Move Your Own Stuff. In this component, we choose to look at what hurdles could possibly be put there by our own wounds, experiences and expectations. Then, it is important to sort them out and set them aside.

Component 2 – Educate Yourself. Many of us have done a lot of research and are probably more experts in our child’s diagnoses than the experts themselves, but it is important that we can apply that knowledge in everyday difficult situations.

Component 3 – Use Tools and Techniques that Build and Maintain the Net. Here’s where we get down to the actual tying of the knots of the net. It takes great consistency and perseverance, but if you are open to learning new tools and techniques, the net will begin to take shape.

Component 4 – Keep On Keepin’ On. Without Component 4, the other three are pretty much useless. Component 4 reminds us that this is a long journey and that in order to maintain the net, we must surround ourselves with support, have an action plan so we can parent in a healing manner, learn to measure progress lest we give up, nurture our closest relationships to have the strength it takes to hold the net and choose to forgive ourselves for our parenting blunders so we can begin fresh every day.

This formula has really become a way of life for us. As we intentionally hold our children’s safety nets through daily struggles and developmental stages along with the big storms of life, they have slowly come to rely on the net…they have come to rely on us. We have witnessed our older adopted children let the net hold them, protect them and even guide them…they no longer have to do it on their own...they have come to trust the net. As they trust the net to take care of them, they are beginning to trust the message the net holds…YOU are worthy of good! They are beginning to believe, at their core, that they are loved no matter what, they are good enough no matter what and that they are fully a part of our family and always will be...no matter what!

As it is for many other adoptive/foster families, it has been a difficult and tumultuous journey. We often felt alone and hopeless and it is out of our struggles that my vow to walk beside other families was born. Over the past ten years, I have been in the trenches with many families offering advice, insight and sometimes just an understanding ear. These experiences, the unceasing devotion of so many parents and the endless stories of others out there struggling to become a family became the energy I needed to put down on paper a formula that I have seen in action, a formula that helps to create an environment conducive to attachment, a place where life can be more peaceful, a place of hope for a better future. My book is Adoptive Parent Intentional Parent: A Formula for Building and Maintaining Your Child’s Safety Net. It is packed with tools and techniques that really work in everyday situations. My hope is that your family will find it to be a useful resource.

To receive more tools, techniques and every day tid-bits please join Hope Connections on Facebook. To receive a monthly newsletter or to find my book you can visit my website www.tohavehope.com or go to amazon.com.

Thanks for sharing Stacy!   So - what are you all doing to build your children's safety nets?  What challenges do you face as you parent intentionally?  How do you overcome those challenges? ...let's share to encourage each other toward hope :)

Guest Post: Discussing Adoption with Your Child

The intention in our house is to raise our adopted children with knowledge of their birth family with as open of an arrangement as possible to keep all of our children safe and healthy. With that in mind, adoption has been an ongoing conversation in our home. This is fairly easy for our family because of the 21 children who've lived in our home only ONE has only ONE mother. All of the others have at least two - their birth mother and their foster mother - but most have even more mother figures in their lives. Nevertheless, not everyone can have an open arrangement with their adopted child's family nor is it always easy to know what to say about your children's biological family, especially when the children were removed from the home and placed into foster care.

With that in mind, I'm sharing a post from Pam Johnson that addresses just how to talk about adoption with your child.

Discussing Adoption With Your Child

Adoptive parents today face several challenges. We must strive to help our children feel comfortable about the fact that they were adopted. Being open and talking to your children about adoption is the most beneficial thing you can do, but there are some things you should never say to an adopted child.

Don’t Lie

If your child discovers they were adopted on their own, the worst thing you can do is lie to them about it. Never tell your child that they were not adopted! Every child who has been adopted has a story, and they have a right to know all about what happened. Don’t ever make stories up to them. Tell them the truth, with age appropriateness of course.

The Past

Don’t ever tell an adopted child to forget about the past. Don’t tell them to stop wondering about their blood parents and what happened. Many parents do this when the children are older, because they want nothing more than to make the child feel better. They feel that the child must have had a hard life, so they want to wipe it away. However, older children often need to talk about it - the good, as well as the bad.

Their Journey

Never tell an adopted child how they should feel about the fact that they are adopted. An adopted child has a unique journey of his or her own, and that needs to be part of their own unique lives and feelings. It may take them 30 years to come to terms with it, but that's ok. Just be a supportive parent, and you're doing the right thing.

Their Mother

Never tell an adopted child anything about their mother that you don't know for a fact. For instance, never say that their mother must not have loved them. Children need to know the truth and you can tell your adopted child that they did not grow inside your tummy, but that they have a ‘birth mother’, and that they grew inside this person’s tummy. You can go on to explain that their birth mother wanted to find someone to take extra special care of them and that you are lucky to have been that chosen person. There's no need to paint a rosy picture or share gory details, until they are definitely able to handle it.

Adoptive children have feelings, just like the rest of us do. As parents, you want to make sure they know that they are loved and cared for. Be very cautious though. Don’t force conversations on them, but if they have questions to ask, be honest. Listen to your children and give them the love and comfort of that love. Give them the things they need to allow them to go through life knowing that they are just as loved as anyone else in this world.

Author Pam Johnson is a family counselor who specializes in helping adopted children cope with their family life. She obtained one of the Marriage and Family Counseling Degrees Online.

 

Foster Parent Friday - Guest Post: Preparing Siblings

A reader asked this question:

Q: As a potential foster parent with children of my own- how do I prepare them for being foster-siblings? Do I instruct them about privacy and such? I have a 4 year old, 8 1/2 year old and a 11 year old- all boys.  

I answered this question here, but today I wanted to bring you a guest post to answer the question from a sibling's perspective.  Kylee over at Learning to Abandon has graciously offered to give us her perspective on how to prepare siblings for the journey that awaits them as foster siblings.  I'd also recommend her recent post about the effect fostering had on her innocence.

Kylee writes:

I absolutely think there are ways that you can prepare your boys for this new journey! I like that you mentioned the topic of privacy, because I think that is an area that can be so hard for children to grasp. I was close to the age of your middle child when my parents received our first placement, and there were several instances when I was unexpectedly forced to explain foster care to my peers. My family primarily fostered infants and toddlers, and as a result, the infant carriers and often-times-crying babies drew much attention at church, the dance studio, and other activities.

I remember multiple occasions when other children asked me "is that your sister/brother?" and subsequently trying to explain what a foster child is. I typically answered that "we [are] just taking care of him because his mom cannot right now." While this often times worked wonderfully, there were plenty of times when child-like curiosity took over, and my friends wanted explanations for why an infant was in a cast, why his mom could not care of him, or how long he would be with us. As a child, I remember feeling pressured to say the right things to my friends and often times not knowing how to do that. 

As I have thought a little bit about the way I was approached as a child, and the necessity of protecting the confidentiality of the foster child, as well as the young mind of an inquiring friend, my suggestion is this: 

1. Figure out from the beginning how you are going to choose to define 'family'. This will obviously look very different based on the age of the foster children in your home. A foster family looks different than a family with solely biological children and suddenly you are going to have temporary kids in your home, whom you treat as family, yet are legally (and if older, sometimes emotionally) not family. This can create so many issues, and sometimes it is best to have a simplistic answer that protects the privacy of all parties involved. I would even suggest doing some roll-play with your kids, in which you bring out scenarios and see how they will handle these conversations that will undoubtably come up. There are many mature topics involved in foster care, and when caught with an unexpected question, a child's discretion is gone! 

2. One other thing that my parents allowed me to do during our licensing process, which helped me process the idea of foster care, was help prepare the nursery. We turned our guest room into a kids room, painted it, and got it decorated for our foster children. Having a chance to be hands on with some of the preparations, made the whole idea of other children coming to live with us seem so much more real. There was much excitement as I helped paint the walls and fill the bookshelf with all of our kid books. Because of the training and classes that your children are not involved in, I think it is so important to figure out ways to include them, as much as possible, in this process. Allowing them to be hands on in as many ways as possible might help them grasp and understand, at their various age levels, more of what to expect. 

There are so many aspects of foster care that are complicated and cannot be sorted out until the process has begun, which is incredibly scary. I tell people this all of the time, but becoming a foster family was one of the best things my parents did for me. I was blessed by this ministry in so many ways and cherish my childhood days of having foster siblings in my home!  

Kylee is a 19-year-old college student who is passionately pursuing a degree in social work while simultaneously learning what it means to be a big sister to kids from "hard places". Her parents jumped into the crazy world of foster care just days before her 8^th birthday and cared for numerous infants and toddlers over a ten-year time span; four of those children became permanent family members through adoption. Kylee loves sharing about foster care and adoption on her blog and is passionate about advocating on behalf of vulnerable children.

Thanks Kylee for sharing!

If any of you have questions for mie about other foster parenting and/or adoptive parenting topics, please feel free to leave a comment or send mie a note using the mail mie feature in the upper right hand of my blog (or on the contact page).

Foster Parent Friday - Guest Post: Breaking the RAD Cycle: Part II

Q: A reader asked mie to offer suggestions on how to break the "RAD" cycle beyond the normal parenting techniques like interrupting with silly things, re-directing, etc.  This reader shared the following:


"I have a foster (now adopted) preschooler who is "RAD"ish.  My husband and I have noticed that she seems to go into a defiant, manipulative (RAD) behavior when I (mommy) leave the house.  She has overcome so many RAD things, but this is one we are having troubgle with.  I'm sure it is related to her past - feeling abandoned...insert typical foster care story...but I don't know how to help her "reset".


A: In all honesty, I'm not the best qualified for handling RADlets, but I tried to give you my experience in last week's FPF post.  To give you a REAL answer to this question I've asked a guest - Laurie from Adopting Special Needs - to join us this week to share her expertise with you.    Here's what Laurie has to say:


One common piece of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) in children from trauma is Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD).  It is so common in children from trauma, that most people consider it redundant to add OCD to a RAD diagnosis.

The more dysregulated a child is, the more ODD behaviors the child will exhibit.  Hence, the first step in tackling ODD behaviors is setting up the environment to help the child stay regulated.  There are several components to consider when doing this:

• Physical Environment: A child with RAD needs an organized environment with a minimal amount of stuff.  They regulate themselves better, and as a bonus, it makes it easier to pick up quickly when something is stolen or destroyed.
• Physical Activity: A child with RAD needs regular activity.  In good weather, climbing, biking, running, scooters are great activities.  In the summer, we schedule regular pool time.  When the weather is not good, we have hula hoops, a mini-tramp, a balance beam, and a swing.  The playroom has space for jumping jacks, gymnastics, and dancing.  Physical activity needs to be scheduled throughout the day.  For example, before homework comes out, twenty jumping jacks enables the child to sit down for homework.  It can also be used as an option with time out.  Given the choice of sitting for eight minutes or jumping on the mini-tramp, most of the time they choose the mini-tramp.  This is a win-win situation because they have choice of consequences and the more physical activity, the better their self-regulation.
• Coping Strategies: The more strategies the child has for self-regulating and the more you practice with the child when they are regulated, the easier it will be for the child to use these strategies when they need them. In my house we use:

• Strong sitting: is a technique used to calm the brain and help center the child. Check out this video by Christine Moers .  My girls strong sit regularly.  I find that when my RADlet is struggling, strong sitting three times a day is necessary.  
• Controlled Breathing: We used controlled breathing exercises.  We breathe out slowly, threee times like a snake, three times as if we were blowing out a candle, and three times saying "shhhh".  I think the pattern and predictability is what helps them reset.
• EFT or Tapping: Also called the Emotional Freedom Technique.  You can use one of the scripts already on the web or customize the script for what yourparticular child needs.  A good starting place for tapping can be found at my friend Lisa's blog.  

For particularly stubborn problems, I Prescribe the Problem.  For example, if I know a child will rage at a particular time, just before I expect the child to go off, I tell the child I want to see a really loud rage, with lots of mad, nasty words.  It prevents a lot of behavior the child is using to control.  The trick with prescribing the problem is to make sure you use a pleasant, kind tone of voice and act as if you don't care what the outcome is.  That takes the fun out of the behavior. (Mie here - I saw a good example of something similar here by CherubMama, expletives and all...this is my example, not Laurie's).  

The more consistently these techniques are used, the better the results will be.  

I hope these techniques are more helpful than my therapeutic purge from last week.  If you are a foster/adopt parent or are considering joining the world of orphan care, I highly suggest you read-up on attachment disorders, particularly RAD, so that you are as fully aware of what you could be getting into before you find yourself in a therapeutic parenting situation unexpectedly.  RADlets and other hurting children need families too and I appreciate people like Laurie who are dedicated to advocating for children who need families.  For more information on RAD, check out www.RADkid.org and another post by Laurie here.

Thanks for joining us here today Laurie!