Evan

Now there's Baby Baby, Little Sister, and Summer.  Next in Line is Evan.  Evan is our middle boy, now 7.  He's spunky and wild and nothing really like Logan and Aaron.  He's a spitfire for sure but he's got a heart of gold that's been scarred by repeated rejection.

For the 6 months we tried to get the siblings into our home, while they lived in a shelter, Evan was always held as the reason why they didn't want to rush anything.  He struggled significantly at the shelter and in other locations where CPS saw him.  He was aggressive during visits.  He tried to run away from visits.  He tried to run away after visits, at the shelter.  He screamed and yelled and raged.  CPS (and CASA) seriously questioned whether it was the best option to add 3 kids to our home, making the total kid count 6, given one of them had these more serious behavior challenges.  There were times people would talk and say "he can only go with them IF he stays at a basic level", meaning there was serious talk that they would move him to a moderate level of care due to his behavior.

Evan is the one we all said "didn't have any more moves".  There was serious talk about needing to place him in a residential facility at some point.  He was 5 at the time.

Nothing meant more to me than to have all of my kids together under one roof and to pursue adopting them if reunification couldn't occur.  That being said, honestly, I was scared they would put the kids with us.  I'd faced two RADlets in the past and I knew it was a possibility Evan would face a Reactive Attachment Disorder in the future.  And we'd have 5 other kids to raise, young ones.  I saw the possibility that we'd see all of the things that a kid with RAD could bring in a large family, chaos and harm.  I knew I didn't want to go down that path again.  I knew, especially after visits and overnights and weekends that adding RAD would possibly be the straw that broke the camels back.  We pursued anyway for the sake of all the kids, but I was really nervous.

I also considered what would happen if we didn't fight for them to stay together in our home.  The argument CPS made was "How are you going to handle HIM when you have 6 kids"?  My argument back was "How is a parent with no experience going to handle HIM and 3 others (assuming they didn't have any other kids, therefore no experience) or how is an older parent (whose kids are grown, therefore experience but no other kids) going to be able to have the energy to parent HIM and 3 other young siblings?  In reality, other than separating the kids, there wasn't a great option and we knew we were at least in the running for best chance for everyone.  We had experience.  We were young.  We had resources.  If anyone could do this, we could.

Granted, this is all before Summer began having challenges like she does today.

He was a challenge, but the more time went on the more we realized his aggression and instability was less about chemical imbalance or biological causes and more about the trauma he'd experienced in his young life.  He'd never had a stable environment, learned to act out to get any attention, took the antithetical approach to his sister's need for perfection, and had very little trust that adults would stick around to love him through it.  He missed the familiarity of the chaos he'd had in his former life so he did his best to create it at our home.  He missed his father and cousins and didn't know how to identify that emotion or what to do with it.  Any type of correction sent him into a rage with horrible screaming and flailing.  He'd hurt himself (unintentionally) during the rages and then say stuff indicating we'd hurt him, even if we weren't anywhere around.  He was wild and out-of-control.

Except he wasn't.  He could sometimes control himself, with help.  As we learned more about what he was dealing with inside, we learned we could help him avoid the rage by reassuring him we love him and that we're not going to hurt him.  We did our best to show him we weren't going to leave him or stop loving him when he does something wrong but we weren't going to tolerate it either.  We had a therapist come work with him for a long while.

Slowly but surely he began to turn the corners.  He began to learn to control his emotions a little more like his age should, rather than like a child significantly younger.  They sometimes say a child can get developmentally stuck, especially emotionally, in the age of their trauma and that was true for Evan.  He was 5, then 6 but emotionally he was 3.  Evan was on Risperidone, an anti-psychotic sometimes used to control aggression, when he first came to live with us.  About 8 weeks after coming to live with us we took him off.  He didn't need it.  He needed love, consistency, firmness, and a resolute approach to parenting that said we were here for the long haul and we aren't leaving.

God continues working on him (and us).  He had very challenging behavior in the classroom in Kindergarten.  Some hitting and "kicking under the table" but more not listening or paying attention, goofing off and being a bit of the class clown.  He'd do irritating stuff all the time, like intentionally cutting his uniforms or lying about his lunch to get a different one.  In 1st grade though, a year after being with us, his behavior was completely different.  He still struggled academically in the classroom but he wasn't a behavior problem at all, except some of those irritating things like lying about his lunch.  He was recently diagnosed with ADD and medication was added.  It's worked wonders for him.  It's also opened a door to a wonderful friendship and bond with Logan.  Logan never tolerated his bad behavior.  Where Evan was emotionally 3, Logan is well advanced for his age and just couldn't handle the "weird" stuff Evan did.  This summer though it's different.  They're friends.  They're separated right now (one in CA visiting family) and you can tell how much they miss hanging out with each other.  Logan even cried before leaving "because he was going to miss Evan".

  

  

  

Evan, we love you so much.  You're a survivor.  You've pushed through so much and you're so brave even though you don't really know it yet.  You're incredibly strong and a gifted athlete.  You are silly and have learned to entertain yourself in so many interesting ways!  You love your family and desperately want them to love you back.   I pray that as you grow you  FEEL the love everyone has for you, that you become comfortable in your own skin, proud of who God has made you to be.  You have your own unique talents, gifts, and abilities with a great purpose.  You're loved just for who you are, not only by mie but by your dad and your Heavenly Father as well.  Life is not going to be easy.  Keep trying.  Keep pushing.  You've made such great progress these past 2 years and I'm excited to watch as your journey continues.

Summer

So you've now learned the "real" identity of Baby Baby and Little Sister.  The next in line at our home, youngest to oldest, is Summer.  As a reminder, for those of you new here or at least since her adoption, she was adopted in 2011 after a year+ placement in foster care and is not part of the recent sibling group we adopted in 2014.  Summer has two siblings that do not live with us.  One lives with his biological mother and one lives with his adoptive parents.  We keep in contact with the latter of the two (Hello!).

Summer was a perfectly "normal" child when we adopted her.  (Here's her introduction after adoption day).  She struggled developmentally but only slightly, as if she was always one-small-step behind everyone else.  When she was 2 she struggled with potty training and toddler behaviors (biting, etc.).  When she was 3 and her peers started to develop further, learning critical social skills and starting to mature a bit like preschoolers do, Summer's delays became more pronounced. She did not continue maturing like the other children did.  Her behavior seemed to be the most obvious issue as she was more and more aggressive (or, really, her toddler aggression never stopped), she never sat still, she ran out of the class, and still didn't master potty-training.  She attended a great school that required strict adherence to rules, didn't reward expected behavior, and actually taught the preschoolers.  This was great for our oldest and he excelled here but wasn't working out for Summer.  We withdrew her before she was kicked-out and found a program willing to work with her and her needs.  At the time, Summer was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder, all areas, and was "the worst case of sensory defensiveness" the therapist had ever seen.  She attended therapy 2x a week at a fantastic facility at our cost of $160 per week.  It helped, but after a year they acknowledged they felt they'd reached the end of what they could offer her.  By her 5th birthday it was clear Summer was anything but "normal" and parenting her would be (or is, for now) a major challenge.

Summer has been diagnosed with severe disabling ADHD and Cognitive Disorder.  She has been evaluated for High Functioning Autism and her results come back "likely" but with the detailed evaluation she received the doctors believe her Executive Functioning Disorder (leading to ADHD) is causing symptoms of Autism, not the other way around.  I'm not convinced yet we have a final diagnosis but at this time this seems to be most appropriate.  Everyday with Summer is a challenge.  Nearly every minute with her is a challenge, honestly.  (See my open letter).  She cannot be left out-of-sight for any period of time at all and I'm not exaggerating.  On rare occasion we leave her within ear shot (maybe, in the kitchen as I open the front door or use the restroom with the door open so I can clearly hear her) but most of the time we have her within our sight.  This includes bed time - we've moved her into our room.  She does go to daycare and is about to complete the state's preschool program but the preschool program has been a wild failure (in terms of behavior and education) and daycare is only successful because they're very patient with her and understand her special needs.  At this time she's seeing a psychiatrist (and takes 3 medications a day), a behavioral therapist in-home (this guy is no joke and I love his work so far), and will probably start seeing a play-therapist over the summer.  She also needs physical and occupational therapy on a regular basis and will likely be put in a PPCD-type program in the fall (after a YEAR of advocating for her and finally hiring an attorney - apparently the school thinks we're bad parents and are making up her diagnoses to excuse her behavior).

Summer is a beautiful girl.  She loves to dance, be active, and play make-believe.  She also loves posing for pictures, which is fantastic because I get to capture "good" moments like these ones above where she has a genuine smile on her face and appears to be a happy, well-adjusted child.  These moments do exist and I cherish them.

I think pictures like these are more common.  I dunno, maybe they're not.  Looking through my pictures I have a good mix of the types you see above.  Some are great and some show a little bit more of what we're dealing with.  You can see in these pictures a little more of what we see on a regular basis.  Her face has food all over it in one - she literally doesn't care most of the time whether she has food or dirt or anything else on her where it doesn't belong.  This is part of the problem with potty training; she doesn't care one iota if she's wet, at least on the surface.  We all think she cares underneath, that she has no self-confidence or self-esteem.  :(

   

Summer loves adventure.  She loves to hunt for things (on her own terms) and be outdoors.  If she could spend all day outside by herself hunting for bugs and critters she would.  Thankfully, our yard permits that.  Unfortunately, our schedule as a busy family of 8 does not provide the opportunity nearly as much and letting her explore outside of the totally fenced in yard is not an option because she'll wander away.

This is the type of thing Summer does when she doesn't have direct supervision.  She "washed" her hair with toothpaste.  Though this type of behavior is common among 2-3 year olds and maybe explorative older children, it typically fades out as they learn other more productive and "normally accepted" types of play.  Summer has not learned the benefits of "normal" play yet and therefore gets into lots of mischief for her age.  

 Summer loves her siblings and wants to be a good helper, when she wants to be one.  She really wants to do the dishes and liked helping with Aaron when he was younger.  She wants to play with everyone as long as they want to play on her terms.  This is her haircut after Lizzie got hers - she wanted one too.  Shortly after she got less of a bob and more of a shaggy medium/short cut to help cover up all the times she tries to cut her own hair when she comes in contact with scissors.

 

Summer loves posing for pictures.  Here are a few more that show day-to-day life with her.  The second picture is totally normal...she's in a bat girl cape tied around her waste so we can go into Target to buy her new underwear and shorts because we were on the road and she'd wet through several pairs of dry things that morning.  She's got her hat on, a sweatshirt, and no shoes, and she's totally fine with it.  This girl loves adventure and has no interest in helping mom's self-respect taking her into stores like this.  She broke her thumb, slamming it in the door, and though she cried never told us it was hurting until we noticed how unbelievably bad it looked a couple days later.  They put a cast on her, knowing she wouldn't leave it alone for the required 4 weeks.  I'm not sure how close to getting her cast off this last picture is but as you can see, it's disgustingly filthy and you may notice there's not much of the white gauze left around the top - she ate most of it.

Summer, I love you so much and I love those moments  before you go to sleep where I can have a heart-to-heart with you to remind you how much I love you and how much I'm going to continue to fight for you.  I pray God will heal you and help you recover from the last few years.  You're going to soar Summer.  Keep your adventurous spirit and may your love of life be rounded out with joy, all the time, whether you get what you want or not.  You're beautiful sweetheart.  I pray we're able to tell you always and forever how much you mean to us and that you're able to hear it through our parenting, even as we're correcting you and coaching you as you grow.

Thankful Thursday - We've Made It...Our Last Day as Foster Parents

I cannot believe we've made it here, to this point, so very far from where we started.

Tomorrow we sign the adoptive placement agreement for our 4 kiddos.  While by itself this doesn't mean our kids are forever part of our family (that happens at consummation, also known as the court date), it does mean they will no longer be foster children.

My kids will no longer be in foster care.

Technically, I will not be their foster mom anymore.  Logan and Summer will no longer be foster siblings.  And, since we're closing our home after this placement, we'll no longer be a licensed foster home.

5 years.  We've been on this journey now for 5 years, licensed for 4 1/2.  In the grand scheme of life that seems so short.  But foster care.  Foster care is invasive.  By nature it permeates your life, your family, and the way you live.  It isn't all bad.  It isn't all good.  But it changes you.  So much has happened in these past 5 years.  In many ways our lives have been on pause, waiting for someone else to do or say something that will drastically change the dynamic of our family, all the while the core of our family has been adapting to the constant change in the wait.  What we've seen, what we know now that we didn't know then, the love and the trauma...we'll never be the same again.

As I sit here and look at the faces of my husband and children I'm so thankful for this segment of our journey.  The road before us is still wide open and we've only begun to travel the path we've been sent on.  Nevertheless, I'm glad to wave goodbye to The System and all that is within it.

I look forward to the relief of finally breathing out after all these years.

Foster Parent Friday - Between Fosterhood and Adoption

We are currently in that awkward stage between fosterhood, where everything is by the book and you don't know what is coming around the next corner, and adoption where you move on with your life as a forever family.  We've had a termination trial, had a final order signed (after a random 3 1/2 month wait), and waited out our 90 day appeal period.  This puts us in the place where the department (CPS) has permanent managing coservatorship of our kiddos (in other words is the permanent parents and legally responsible party) and biological parents no longer have any parental rights (and, theoretically in most cases would be out of the picture at least in a far distant corner of the picture).

While there is "no chance" the biological family can come back around and try to regain custody somehow, we are still not their forever, legal, family. Technically, we are still foster parents and will remain so until the adoption is finalized.  This is such an awkward place to be because in our heads and hearts we are their parents, we are a family, and nothing will change that.  The decision to adopt these children has come and gone.  The kids call us mom and dad.  They are all siblings.  Generally, day-to-day, our life is now normal as if it will be after adoption.

There are some things, however, that are still not normal.  We no longer have to deal with parental visits but we do still need to schedule time for CASA visits 2x per month (or more because she also likes to spend time 1x1 with the kiddos), monthly with the children's caseworker, and now monthly with our family's caseworker because they changed the rules from quarterly to monthly on us.  We no longer have to try to fit in court regularly, worrying about whether the judge will send them home, but we do have to arrange for "263 hearings" on occasion.  We aren't dealing with weekly supervised and unsupervised visits but we are still managing monthly contact with their birth father per our agreement (this will continue post adoption).  Birth mother doesn't get to see or talk to them but that doesn't mean she doesn't try regularly.  I am happy to report that we've been told (in writing) we no longer have to worry about cutting their hair but I'll tell you, after having chopped off 8 inches from one of my daughter's locks, I still worry about whether they'll approve of my choices or not.  These things are all manageable nuisances that I understand and deal with but look forward to getting rid of.  

Then there is the category of things that really grates on mie.  I still cannot make decisions on my own for
"my" kids like I can for my forever kids.  I can't take them on an impromptu weekend vacation (though it wouldn't be too hard for me to get permission).  I can't let them camp out in my room one night to watch a movie as a family before we go to bed.  I can't let them camp out in the playroom together one night either, for that matter.  Technically I can't let them go spend the night with their cousins or let their cousins spend the night at my home and I still have to worry whether we'll get a surprise inspection by licensing and have a friend over who hasn't had a background check.  Though we have "safe" places for "not-too-dangerous" medication that our 1 year old son needs several times a day,  I still have to double-lock it on the off-chance someone will stop by and go digging through our cabinets.  And I still can't have a trampoline.

Then we have our awkward situation with names.  We're only kind-of allowed to call our children by their new adoptive names.  This is ok for our younger kiddos (one of whom insists her name is her new name anyway and handles that for us) but it is difficult for our older kiddos who are starting new classes this next year and need to know how to read, write, and respond to their new names.  Their names aren't legally changing until a couple days after school starts so we can't technically call them by their new names and I'm ok with that except for the fact that they need to be used to responding to their teachers and writing their new names when school comes.  Plus, I'd like to purchase some personal supplies and I don't want to be accused of pushing the lines.  

Finally - the thing that is most challenging for me during this time - still being foster mom.  Generally this is not a  problem for mie (see above list of annoyances).  But there are those times I'm asked the dreaded question, usually by people in an official capacity:

"Are you his foster mom?"

I don't know why this gets at mie so much and I can't let it roll of my back but I've had a seriously hard time holding my tongue, especially when it comes to Baby Baby, the one I hear about it most.  He's a great kid with several medical challenges so I see a lot of specialists, nurses, and other staff who don't know anything about us except for what they see in the medical file.  They ask harmlessly but it seriously strikes as a knife when I hear it particularly because at this point in the case I'm forced to answer yes.  Yes, I suppose I am still his foster mom.  Oh and every time I hear it the Mama Bear in mie comes out and I want to scream to them through the phone...I am his ONLY mom.  I have raised this baby since he was 4 days old, since he came from the hospital.  He would not know his birth mother from anyone else.  I have been there for every moment with him, through hospitalizations and breathing treatments, through the milestones and celebrations. To HIM, I am his mama and he would tell you nothing else.  It is evident in the way he lights up and runs to mie when he sees mie (though daddy is the clear favorite right now).  In a crowded room I  am the one he runs to for safety.  But yes.  I am his foster mom.  Just foster mom.

Oh how I long for the day when I can say, without any sort of reservation, I am their mother, just plain mom, forever.

Foster Parent Friday - The "Dreaded" Homestudy

Q: What is a homestudy?  And what happens at a homestudy?  And what should I be prepared for?  And what questions are they going to ask?  And where are they going to look?  And...

A: Come on y'all - you've all been there right?  At least if you've gone through the licensing process for adoption and/or foster care, if you're in the process now, or if you've considered becoming licensed you've most definitely wondered about this nebulous and seemingly doom-ridden homestudy.  All the fear is absolutely justified when you consider that your homestudy is a major piece of the licensing process and usually one of the last steps before you get licensed (and start opening your home to kids).  I'll also say it's absolutely worth the fear that it produces in that typically the mystery and angst associated with a pending homestudy probably makes you prepare enough to "pass".

When we were going through the licensing process the homestudy gave me the heebie jeebies.  In truth I'm one of those recovering Type A & perfectionist personalities that needs to get everything right and ace every test.  When we went through classes we'd get a piece of paperwork to complete and I'd make copies and write and re-write it over again so I'd have nice, neat handwriting to go with my well-thought-out and complete answers.  I'd also usually do it the same evening when we came home from training so it was done well in advance of the due date.  I was baffled by the others in our class who failed to turn in paperwork on time and were repeatedly warned they had to do so before getting dropped from the licensing process.  My brain just couldn't fathom that level of (fill in the blank...irresponsibility, casual approach, etc.) when such a serious thing was on the line.

Throughout the licensing process I tried to find as much information as I could about the homestudy and the only thing I could ever find was that it wasn't a big deal.  I kept reading that it wasn't a "pass/fail" evaluation as much as it was an understanding of our home to be able to identify the best-fit when foster children needed a family.  I repeatedly found people who said they'd ask personal questions and maybe it would feel intrusive but it was harmless.  I found people who said to be tidy but not to worry about cleaning out every crevice.

People kept trying to tell me all would be well but I just couldn't believe them.  This big scary thing was in the way of my family's future so how could I not take it seriously and worry about it?  I cleaned and I worried as a bad housecleaner I wouldn't be good enough.  I thought about everything in my past, in my family's past, in my marriage, that may need to be discussed and how would I phrase it to be honest and yet not get myself disqualified.  My grandmother passed away the week of my homestudy and I fretted about how to respond about how that death in my family would disqualify our home from moving forward in the licensing process.  It was awful.  I did all that I could do and then hoped it would be enough.

I'm not going to be able to provide you with much more detail than that, at least not here because it's not really the point of this post (but email mie if you do have questions because I'd be happy to give the answers I have!).  What I wanted to point out today is how things have changed since those days so long ago.

We had our second adoptive homestudy on Wednesday.  You need to have an updated homestudy completed before you can adopt.  The updated study looks at how your family started out (likely provided in the original homestudy) and then expands on that to discuss how your family is with your future adoptive children to determine how the adoption will impact the family dynamic.  We've been here once before and the main thing to keep in mind is that this means we're getting closer to adoption!  WOOHOO!!!

What I found so fascinating in doing this second adoptive homestudy was how different it was than when we went through the process as foster parents.  For real - this time around we scheduled our homestudy on the most convenient day for us, which happened to be the same day our baby had surgery so we'd slept for 4 hours the night before and spent the morning at the hospital before the caseworker came over.  We hadn't cleaned at all in most of the house.  The only cleaning we did was in the kitchen to get rid of dirty dishes and really only that because we had the time.  A few minutes before she was supposed to arrive I dumped out 3 baskets full of unmatched socks and played the matching game with my husband while we waited for her to arrive.  I didn't have on any makeup and I wasn't wearing anything remotely nice.  When she finally arrived I doubt I had any shoes on and my baby had blood coming out of his ears (from his surgery).  We chatted in the kitchen for a while.  At some point I got a snack out and started eating while talking to her.  We even had a neighbor kid ring the doorbell to come play and I let him in to the backyard.  During our homestudy.  Toward the end my husband went outside to repair the backyard fence.  I had to discipline one of my difficult children and didn't bat an eye.  Although I cared about the result of the homestudy I had ZERO concern about the process itself.  I didn't feel the need to impress anyone and I didn't prep for it.

So, if you're nervous about your first homestudy good.  You should be as it will make you take this process seriously and this is a serious process.  Just try to remind yourself that once you get over this hurdle someday, if you're blessed to go through it again, you probably will look back yourself and think hmm...what was I so worried about back then?

Thankful Thursday: Court Results

Thank you all for your prayers.  Regardless of the outcome, yesterday promised to be a very difficult day with 3 possible outcomes:

• Termination of parental rights.  Plan for adoption
• No Termination of parental rights.  Send children home immediately
• Some other random solution out-of-the-blue (case extension, another delay at the courthouse, etc.)

Though we had our favorite solution, none of them would have been pain-free.  The "random solution" would have caused this case to drag on more, more uncertainty, more delay for all involved.  Clearly if the judge found parental rights were not to be terminated and the kids went home immediately, that would have crushed us.

I mentioned yesterday that the case had been mid-trial before a threat at the courthouse caused a week's delay.  When I left after the day of testimony I honestly felt less-hopeful about whether the case would result in termination than I'd had at any other point in the case, I think, and that's saying something because I've had my doubts all along.  I wasn't in the courtroom that day but it's what I felt in my heart.  I walked into court after having experienced another week's worth of delays and a ton of things that made our life more difficult (sick, not sleeping baby getting 8 teeth all at the same time, for example) - though I tried to have faith and focus on God's will for my kiddos and our family in the forefront of my mind was that this was shaping up to be one of those times our kiddos left us.  God has always provided a "difficult situation" before kiddos have left to help us be grateful for the peace after the children were gone.  Most of them were illness related.  I felt like I would be writing that post, that God had allowed difficult situations to invade our home to help make the transition of them leaving easier on us.  The feeling wouldn't leave me.

I arrived at court late due to traffic.  With a cold that was making me groggy.  Since I was half-prepared to testify after the way the previous day ended (and upon hearing "maybe" from the AAL), I was worried about how I'd sound, being able to not clearly think, probably looking all nasty like one of the actors "with the flu" on a tissue commercial.  Halfway to court I got a call from my hubby who should have been sleeping because the daycare called and a different child had started throwing up all over the place.  Oh, and hubby started having tummy troubles too.

Nevertheless in the court house things started off well.  We chatted for a good-long time about stuff.  The kids.  My sister and her kids.  Jury duty.  The weather (literally).  It was enjoyable.  

Then someone said "well this case better be called early or we won't get in at all - it's drug court day".  I started to panic that we'd be reset.  Again.  

The bailiff called for check-in and simultaneously called our case into the courtroom to be heard.  I initially sat out of the courtroom but then thought hey...worst they could do was kick me out...so I went inside and took a seat.  I texted AAL to see if she needed me to testify - she replied "no".  I asked if I could stay.  Then she got called to the bench for another case and it took forever to get another reply.  

I could stay.

I'm not going to get into the details of what I heard except to say that it was ESSENTIAL to this case that court had been delayed the week because of the threat the week before.  There was a report people were waiting on that hadn't arrived yet and left some questions about the situation unanswered.  BUT, because of the delay the results were received and additional evidence was able to be admitted.  This evidence was crystal clear.  I've been saying it "sealed the deal".

The judge ended up making two rulings.  First, she ruled on baby baby because he was removed separately from his siblings and started this "newly reopened" case.  The grounds were clear and abundant. The judge took the time to read each one aloud to the parents.  Additionally there was abundant evidence that TPR was in his best interest.  

Parental Rights Terminated. 

With that in mind, the judge then ruled on the other three children.  I wasn't sure where she was going to go - apparently the case for them was different than the case on the other three.  Nevertheless because mom had just lost rights on baby baby, it helped make the argument that the rights for the other three should be terminated as well.

Parental Rights Terminated.

The judge then accepted the other parent's relinquishment.  In doing so she complimented all involved for working out an arrangement where the kids could be safe and still have a relationship with this parent.  She went on to provide strong words of affirmation to my husband and I (though she didn't know I was there) for our part in this case, the willingness to stick it out, the willingness to make the arrangement we did with the parent who relinquished.

At the end of the day we walked away with Parental Rights Terminated, adoption bound.  I will say that the kids will not be "legally-free" for adoption until after a 90 day period during which the parent who lost rights involuntarily will have the opportunity to appeal.  In addition relatives or fictive-kin have the opportunity to intervene in the case to try and gain custody preventing the adoption.  We hope and pray these things don't happen.  Our kids need permanency.  It is a NEED for them (as with all kiddos but evidence was presented that one of my children "does not have another move" in him/her).  It has been their repeatedly-expressed desire to stay with us forever.  Though they're too young to really grasp the gravity of that statement, they have been steadfast in that desire with the likewise understanding they would not go to live with their birth parents ever again.

There is so much more I want to tell you.  With the TPR granted I want to share how CRAZY this case was.    I want to explain what has happened in the past year.  All of the stuff we've gone through but I've been cautious to share because of how crazy this case has been.  I will likely wait until the 90 days is up before I share as much as I'd like but if you have questions please email mie or put it in a comment so I can remind myself to address it.  

In the end our feelings were very mixed.  Please pray for the 90 days to be smooth and short.  Please also pray for our kids' birth parents.  Regardless of the situation that led us to this point yesterday was extremely hard on them, and I'm sure time will heal some but not all and it would be a long time in healing.  They love their children.  They didn't want this to happen.  I cried with them both yesterday.  It sucks.  I cried for my kids to have this in their history.  Even though it was what we wanted and what we still want and even though it moves us toward adoption and even though our kids were thrilled when we told them last night, we don't wish them well and the trauma is not taken lightly.

Foster Parent Friday: Mediation???

Q: Mediation...What's that? (often more body language in a way to say...what does that mean for your life or in the case and how does that work?).

A:  Our case went to mediation on Wednesday.  Of course this means that in the weeks leading up to the big day we asked everyone we could for prayer that things would go smoothly.

In all honesty, I had a hard time asking for specific prayer.  What I wanted to say and we said in private was "PLEASE GOD LET THEM RELINQUISH!" but my mommy heart knows that termination of parental rights for any situation, voluntarily relinquished or not, is by nature trauma.  Yes, it can be the right answer but it still is finality for birth parents losing their children and it means our children were permanently removed from their birth parents.  Big mixed feelings.  Thankfully a sweet friend of mine called it out and said "OK...we'll pray they relinquish their rights and the babies can stay with you forever".  Thank you sweet friend for saying out loud what I'd been feeling in my heart.

As we've told people about mediation many times they've got that confused look on their face, wanting more information.  Being a foster parent is about people always wanting more information and I can't blame them.  People tend to know the concept of mediation - its a legal process where people get in a room and try to work out a deal - but how that relates to foster care is a bit foreign.  So here's my explanation.

Have you ever watched Law & Order (come on - certainly you have right!)?  Or any other police/lawyer drama/documentary?  You know when the DA offers a deal to the accused criminal...they say something like "we'll give you 15 years instead of life" and then there is a back and forth with the attorneys trying to come up with a deal?  The DA will say something like "Ok - we'll go to trial and you'll go to prison for life" or the defense attorney will say something like "Are you kidding?  You're evidence is circumstantial...we'll take our chances with a jury".  Though this isn't officially mediation, it gives you a good feel for how mediation is used in termination cases.

At the point a trial is going to termination, theoretically CPS and the DA that represents the department have decided that for some reason the birth parents are not safe for the children despite having been given every opportunity to do so.  In my experience, this usually happens at around the 6-9 month marker in a case because federal law requires cases to be done in 12 months, 18 with extenuating circumstances.  So at the 6-9 month point in a case a formal decision is usually made to keep going toward reunification (and start working the kids towards that with more frequent visits, maybe setting a go-home date, etc.) or the department decides to formally change the case goal to termination (and relative adoption, non-relative adoption, permanent managing conservatorship, etc.).  This means the case "will be going to trial", a trial date is set if one isn't already on the calendar (in my experience they put one on the calendar at the beginning of the case to mark the date and protect the judges calendar) and people in the case start working toward that goal.

Though the department sets the official case plan goal there are many other people who have to get aligned around that for termination to occur.  Certainly there are the named mother and father (or "unknown father" if that's the case) but there is also the Attorney Ad Litem (kids attorney) and Guardian At Litem (CASA or the AAL) also have to agree.  In some cases there are also people who have intervened in the case because they have a significant relationship with the child (could be a grandparent, aunt/uncle, cousin, brother/sister, or even longer term foster parents).  Just as in the Law & Order case, in order for trial to be successful evidence has to be strong but the list of people wanting to see "guilty" (termination) needs to be longer than the list wanting to see "not-guilty"...the goal is whenever possible to have trial work out in your favor.

In comes mediation...I believe it's either a rule OR at least best practice that mediation occurs before a termination trial.  Though much of the work is done ahead of time, mediation is a formal time for all parties to come to the table and try to work out a deal so that when trial comes the mediated agreement is presented to the court and the judge can make a final order (ruling) about the case that represents what everyone is in agreement with.  By doing this, trial is avoided and presumably the best interest of the kids has been preserved.  There's less risk that the judge will dismiss the case or the department will lose and the kids will be immediately sent back to an environment the dept. feels is unsafe.

The department's goal in mediation is typically to have the biological parents surrender (relinquish) their parental rights.  For a parent, surrendering rights voluntarily is usually better than having them terminated from a legal perspective.  Bluntly, if you have your rights terminated by the court (non-voluntary) you might have a goodbye visit and then you will never see your kids again.  Ever.  Furthermore in the state of Texas you are then subjected to automatically losing any future children you have, even if you get your life together.  Non-voluntary termination is grounds for both removal of a child and termination on future children.  That's a big deal in my book.  Most parents who love their children and have good attorneys will start to see the writing on the wall and be able to weigh the consequences of voluntarily relinquishing vs. taking their chances with the trial (judge or jury...it can happen either way).  The stronger the case is, the more likely a parent is to consider relinquishment.

To help relinquishment be a more desirable option for the birth family, the other parties usually come to the table with some sort of proposal that offers future contact, setting up a semi-open adoption rather than a closed one.  The minimum I usually see is cards/letters/pictures once a year to give the birth parents the chance to see their kids grow from a far.  When the case is remarkably strong and especially when there appears to be a serious danger to the child/adoptive family with contact, this may be all that is offered.  Anything can be on the table as a proposal including phone calls, in-person visits, medical records, or pretty much anything else that might be important to one of the parties.  This mediated agreement can also allow the family and children to have a healing, long-term relationship, keeping the parents in the kids' life without having them be the day-to-day parent any longer.

In Summer's adoption we agreed to have cards/letters/pictures twice a year and visits 2x a year.  Twice a year visits was "unheard of" as it was presented to us back then. In my sister's case, the agreement included quarterly visits, which seemed like A LOT.  We also included several stipulations that are fairly common including if 2 consecutive visits were missed, if they violated our privacy, if a professional indicated the visits were hurting her, or if when she turned 12 she decided she didn't want to visit anymore, the visits would cease and there would be no more agreement.  The agreement was null after the first 2 visits passed and the parents did not visit.  We continue to have a relationship with them nonetheless.

So - you're dying to know - how did our case turn out?  It's not over yet.  You'll need to stay tuned, like us, to hear the rest of the story.

Daddy's Dream - Is it THE dream?

My husband and I do not sleep in the same bed at the same time regularly, only 1-2 times a week.  It is a rare treat when we do get to actually sleep next to each other and wake up next to each other.  It is certainly one of those things you take for granted if you get that experience all the time.  For us, it has been rare for most of our marriage.

Nevertheless I still know that we are different when it comes to dreams.  I remember every detail of my dreams.  In part it has to do with the way my memory works and in part because of narcolepsy.  My husband on the other hand rarely remembers his dreams.  We've been married nearly 11 years and I think I can count on one hand how many dreams he's told me about (and I've asked!).  Usually they're nightmares...we all have them.

When we woke up this morning he immediately said "I had the worst dream last night".  This is what he described, from his perspective:

For some reason we were staying with my dad (his childhood home).  You and the kids were all gone to a party or something and me and Baby Baby were home by ourselves.  I saw a crack in the wall and went to go check it out in the backyard.  When I looked out there I saw it was really, really stormy.  There was a lot of rain and wind.

At this point I thought he was going to tell me that I was in a car accident with the kids and we died.  But he didn't.

It was really bad, the flood waters were rising and it was getting worse.  I went to check on Baby Baby who was sleeping in (my youngest brother's old room).  I could tell the front half of the house was ripping off.  By the time I got there the bedroom was almost completely gone and half of the crib was gone.  I reached in and grabbed him just in time.

I don't know if you believe in supernatural things like prophetic dreams.  I certainly do but not to the point I think every.single.dream is a message from God himself. 

However.  In this case I wonder.

This dream precisely describes our case right now (except maybe my husband's dad's place...).  There is a fierce storm going on.  This is definitely the hardest case I've had and will be one that is fought to the end (I think).  Our kids are safe in our home for what feels like once in their life.  Our children are healing in a way that I can't describe unless you're there.  Baby Baby knows no other parents.  He doesn't.  The kids do not want to go live with their birth family.  They pray about it every night (on their own, not because I tell them to).  On Sunday, one of my children woke up and randomly asked mie "Is this the day I get to go talk to the judge?".  When I said no (where would he get that idea?) he said "awww...I REALLY WANT TO!".  They have had a couple visits canceled recently and they get excited about it.  Everyone "on the kids' side" seems to be in favor of them staying with us (and NOT going home) and the official case plan is termination with unrelated adoption.  Yet, every momentum in this case so far has pushed toward reunification.  Everything I hear from everyone involved along with the way visits have been handled and it appears the judge has leaned (though I haven't been there myself to hear it every week) is that the kids WILL be sent home.  The storm has been brewing for a while and rages on outside the quiet (!!!) safe life we've tried to setup in our home.

Last Friday I got word that something happened in the case that dramatically pushed the likelihood they'll be going home MUCH closer.   I really wish I could share more.  It left me fairly confident (though still not hopeless!) that the kids would be leaving within the next couple weeks, possibly even this weekend.  My heart has been torn in two all weekend.  Caring for these children - watching them make plans for the fall - knowing at some point when I get final confirmation I'll have to break the news that they'll be leaving and heading to a place where they don't feel safe and I don't have confidence they'll actually be safe. 

The storm continues to strengthen but now the flood waters rise and our children are in imminent danger.

Then there's the dream.  Not sure why it was just Baby Baby and not all of them.  The end was very clear though...my husband got there just in time to save him from the storm. 

I don't know what the future of this case holds.  There is no firm, agreed to plan.  People involved are tight-lipped.  I know what I want and I feel like I know what these kids need and yet the fight is on to save them.  We're doing everything in our power but now it is not up to us.  Our hearts and more importantly these children are completely vulnerable.  It has been very, very difficult.

But in the dream....daddy saves Baby Baby.  It was the last minute.  But daddy saves him.

I learned today from folks in the case that return does not appear to be as imminent as it did on Friday.  In fact, several changes in visits and court hearings leads me to believe we've taken a few steps back from return altogether.  This information was shocking.

This journey has been described several times as a roller coaster.  This one will not be over until it is really over.  Up and down, twist this way and that, upside down, up and down. 

Father, I do hope this dream was a promise to us that you will save our babies, even if it is at the last minute, though we'd ask that you save them now before the danger gets way too close. 

Please Help Bring Miss E. Home

Dear Readers and Supporters -

I am here, completely vulnerable, begging for your help.  About a week and a half ago I told you about my dear friend who lost the little girl she was about 60 days away from adopting.  This little girl is as close as my niece.  She is my children's cousin.  As a foster, adoptive, and biological mom but also as an aunt my heart is desperately grieving for this situation that is horrendously sad and impossible at the same time.  A little girl, almost 2 with birthday presents waiting for her at her home with her family, was taken away based purely on lies and technicalities.  She had lived with her prospective adoptive family for 15 of her 22 months alive.  Her 3 siblings and mother are devastated.

Yet because we serve a big God and because I still believe that things like honesty, integrity, and "what's right" will prevail, we sit today with the good potential to get Miss E. back.  Unfortunately there is a great cost.

We need $10,000 in the next few days to make this happen.  This is on-top of the $2500 that was already paid to intervene that then needed to be diverted to pay for other unexpected legal fees that then resulted in a conflict of interest to continue fighting in the intervention so now the attorney has had to remove herself from the case.  Some work had been done and we're very grateful but a lot of the synergy was lost as well - it's almost like starting over.  That and the complications of this case lead to such a high fee, to be paid, by a woman who is newly single after spending the last 13 of her 30 years parenting her children as primarily a stay-at-home mom. 

We all feel that we can't sit by and not try.  We can't look at Miss E. in heaven and say "sorry, we just couldn't afford to fight for you".  But coming up with that amount of money in such a short amount of time is impossible on our own.  We're digging deep, pulling out whatever credit we can find, but still, the reality is that $10,000 by the end of labor day weekend is huge.

Our God is bigger.

I told Miss E.'s mom yesterday that we should ask for help.  She's modest.  She doesn't think she knows enough people that will give to help her.  I said if 200 people gave $50, that would be $10,000.  She said she doesn't think she knows 200 people.  I know I have 200 people a day who read my blog, at least (usually more like 300-500).  I'm going to post on Facebook for all of my personal friends.  Something is better than nothing. 

Our God can create something out of nothing.

The next steps for the case will be an attempt toward mediation to see if something can be worked out quickly.  This must happen by 9/9 and is why we're in such a hurry.

Can you help with $50?  If not $50, $25, $10, $5, or $1?  Something? 

Please pray for all involved as well.

I've created a donation button on my page and ask that you strongly consider donating to help us get our sweet girl back.  Please share this need as well.  Miss E has been gone for 2 weeks this Friday.   Maybe bringing her home for her birthday will be the best gift yet.

(This child is in the custody of the state.  Miss E's mom was a licensed foster parent until she was removed - she was removed on a licensing technicality and based on lies told intentionally to CPS to hurt her mom after she stopped enabling someone with an addiction.  I can't share pictures or exact names, even specifics of the situation, in order to preserve the chances to bring Miss E home.)

Rough Days Ahead

Hello everyone!

You all know by now I'm not around as often as I'd like to be.  My daily hits are taking a hit and it makes me sad sometimes.  I miss you all and want to be here for you but life is busy and I've always said the thing that helps me get through is putting the right things first (a.k.a. prioritization).  The blog hasn't been a huge prioritization.

Things in the case are not going well.  This is one of "those cases" that I feel no one is going to every feel completely secure about until adoption is final (long way away if ever).  It's one of those cases where all of the classes and rules and regulations associated with a case plan seem to be followed but reunification still doesn't seem right.  It's not just a gut feeling.  Minimally I'll tell you that it involves kids not wanting to be reunified, kids getting lost on visits, arrests on visits, "mommy they didn't bring me enough food", and lots and lots of missed visits.  All of this (and more) and yet there are still no line-in-the-sand reasons to terminate. With that in mind the judge feels compelled to push for reunification even though I'm told she doesn't like it. 

That means beginning this week, baby baby will have a 4 hour unsupervised visit with bio parent #1 along with his siblings.  Due to the way visits have worked out (many missed visits), bio parent has spent about 28 hours with this child in his whole life -- that's just more than a day's worth of time in nearly 8 months.  To him, I am his mom.  His face lights up and he does a little dance when I come to pick him up.  He has no idea who his bio parents are, which is just a fact added to what I mentioned above about how the visits with the siblings were going.  It appears to me that adding baby baby is going to just make it worse.

This, apparently, may be the plan of all involved.  The phrase "if we give a longer rope they'll likely hang themselves with it sooner rather than later" was actually used to describe the situation to me.  "Hanging themselves" though means that the kids who have been working so hard to heal and have made so much progress will face something so drastic that it causes the "line-in-the-sand" where repetitive drug use, disobeying court orders, recent legal activity including arrests and warrants, inability to hold a job and/or rent, and losing your kids doesn't count as "line-in-the-sand".  In other words - someone has to physically get hurt.  Everyone agrees this will happen if/when they go home or spend more time with birth parents.  Apparently we need to stand back and let it happen.

I am devastated by all of this.  Letting "my baby" go to the visit this weekend is nearly going to kill me.  It will be all I can do to not burst into tears as I hand him over.  I honestly don't know what I'm going to do about it.  This on top of the kids being increasingly oppositional to visits so much so that at the last one two kids loudly protested with major tears and one actually held onto the shopping cart I had saying "I'm not going".  Really.  Those kids have not changed their mind since the last visit.  I try to encourage them that they'll have fun but at the same time I feel like I'm breaking their trust forcing them to go with someone they don't want to go with and I can't promise them they'll actually be safe.  This is going to be very, very hard.

I don't write about this case much because on one hand I feel the need (for whatever reason) to keep this case as private as possible.  On the other hand, I also write pages and pages of notes for the caseworkers and CASA each week.  I think I'm just spent writing about it.  I'm really hoping this all works out for them to stay but in my heart I've already prepared to lose them.  Either way, my hubby and I have talked about this being our last case.

On top of all of that this week I found out that someone close to me is going through a sudden divorce.  This person is a foster parent who was in the middle of an adoption.  Out of spite, one party in the divorce called CPS to say the other one abandoned the family (didn't happen) and they needed to come pick up the kids right away, including the child they'd INTERVENED to adopt after parenting for nearly 18 months, most of this child's young life.  Divorce is hard enough.  Ripping a child out of a family forever, not only from the parent but also the siblings who are now going through the divorce AND the loss of the sibling is reprehensible.  This child knows no other family and she is loved greatly by (one) parent and all of the siblings. 

My heart is overwhelmed with this right now.  Both situations appear to be something that cannot be fought and won.  Hopeless is the right word in this situation.  And yet - we serve a God who is all powerful and good.  He is here, in this situation, loving all of his children through this pain.  The situation is not hopeless for He who holds the world in His hands.  I pray somehow this situation is turned into something that brings great glory to God and in the meantime I can comfort and be comforted.  Amen.

Tuesday's Tears: When You Should be Sad but You're Not (Really)

There were a couple things that happened in my life today that made me really rethink my heart, compassion fatigue, and my concern for people in general.  As foster parents, I believe it is important for us to stop and check our hearts for too much hardening.  It's easy to get jaded or start looking out for #1 (our own personal interests) more than the interests of the creator and those may not always be the same thing.  I don't want to be jaded.  I want to continue to show compassion to the people in my life, all of them, as much as possible.

There was a death in my family yesterday.  I was only mildly sad, in part because I knew it was coming, in part because I was hoping it brought relief to my relative and my relative's caregivers, and in part because I didn't know this particular relative well at all.  Not knowing a relative well (or at least decently well) is somewhat foreign in my very large but relatively close-knit family, but this particular relative is one of 2-3 that I could identify that I never really knew.  So generally I'm not sad, not like I was when my uncle was murdered a few years ago or how I would be if anyone else in my family passed away.  I am, however, sad that I'm not sad.  Does that make sense?  I wish the situation were different for many reasons, that he had led a life where I would have had a role, that I would have known him more, that my family would have felt supported by me more during this process.  That is what I care about at this point, that and how my dad is feeling about this latest death in his family.

There was also interesting things happening in the kids case yesterday.  I'm trying to really limit what I put out here about this case even though it is by nature more or less anonymous anyway (which is why you don't see our kid count anymore - it's still here, behind the scenes).  There were more missed visits this week, a legal situation during the one visit that did happen which promises to complicate future visits.  Oh the mixed feelings.  On one hand, I hate that my kids had to experience what they had to experience during their visit - there are certainly worse things that could have happened and generally they were safe but they shouldn't have to experience stuff like that.  No kid should.  We shouldn't be talking about what worse could have happened you know?  I also feel bad for the parent that this situation happened.  Sometimes there's just bad luck.  Sometimes there's bad luck combined with bad choices.  This is one of those cases (so it seems) - if the bad choices weren't there then the bad luck wouldn't be so bad - but still, I do feel bad for the parent and the kids that this is a negative in the situation.  At the same time, I'm hopeful that this is what it takes to get the tide turned in favor of the KIDS who need permanency.  There were actually several things about the last visit that *should not* look favorable for the parent but it's hard to say how they will actually affect the case.  One thing is clear - yet another set of visits was canceled and that could push the people involved to be more supportive of termination and quality permanency.  I'm hoping.  I feel bad that I'm happy that there was this point of failure for the parent because I genuinely do support reunification and never ever want kids to be separated from their family when they can be reunified safely.  I just haven't seen that "reunified safely" thing work in even 10% of my kids lives.  2/24 kids have been reunified "permanently" with the family they were removed from.  That's it.  Several have happy endings but I just haven't seen it work well very often and the "evidence" in this case is like those that weren't successful, not like those that were. 

Our kids decided they wanted to change their names last night.  They initiated the conversation (knowing Summer's name was changed when she was adopted - when the judge said she could stay forever).  It seemed to be their way of letting us know they want to stay forever, after the crazy of their visit (but we didn't talk about it that way).  They were all excited about their new names and then dropped the bomb - they were going to tell their parent about their new names when they saw them next.  *Insert screeching car sound here*  We put our foot down and had to stop their fun, insisting they be called their actual name not their selected name until the judge tells them they can change their name.  On one hand I want them to be able to daydream about whatever they want to daydream about.  On the other hand I don't want to be accused of trying to steal these kids or even trying to change their names (that has not, at all, been something my hubby and I have been involved with - we will only even consider that with any reality when everyone in the case is aligned on termination and a trial happens or a voluntary agreement is signed...that's it).  I don't want anyone to think we're trying to sabotage the parent's attempts to reunify because we're not.  BUT, the kids - what about what they want?  When does that count?

So today I'm taking inventory. I  don't really have good answers about what I *should* be feeling.  There are always mixed emotions in foster care and in life in general.  I'm glad I don't have to have all the answers.

Thankful Thursday - Random Support

Have you donated yet?  Well, you should.  Click on the Donate button on the top-right of my page to support Cherub Mamma fight for her family.

As you probably could tell from my last post, now that we're theoretically getting closer to welcoming our newest family members, baby baby's siblings, I'm starting to see how much of a big step it is to move forward.  It's making mie a bit nervous because I want so badly for this to work out for so many reasons.  Also, I'm staring down the barrel that will make mie go from being a mom of 3 to a mom of 6 and though I'm positive I can do it, I'll admit I've become a little comfortable where I'm at (problem #1).

If I'm honest - it's not that I'm comfortable.  Really it's that I have a 5 month old baby, haven't slept through the night except maybe 3-4 times since he arrived, and I keep forgetting that when I'm exhausted by the end of the night and don't feel like cleaning off the kitchen island.  Then I feel lazy and wonder if 6 is going to put mie over the edge.  It's not.  I know that without a doubt.  And then I remind myself I'm just tired because I have an infant with no "new mom hormones" (and yes, that makes a difference in helping combat sleepiness) and no post-partum break from work because in reality, I'm only kind of post partum.

But I didn't come here to complain, I came to celebrate the support I've received in getting ready for the new kiddos. 

(BTW - reach out to your local foster/expectant adoptive parent to let them know you're rooting for them just as you would an expectant mother!  It will mean the world to them, especially when they're expecting "multiples"). 

In the past few days I've had a few reminders that things are going to be ok and I've been really grateful.

First - I needed to talk about our next steps with my hubby.  I made a point to discuss the risks similar to what I wrote about on Monday, except in greater detail.  His response was "I don't see anything happening that will stop us from moving forward.  I know it might be difficult."  This was a very solid answer from my hubby who, at times, can be a little intimidated by out-of-the-norm behavior (and the idea of 6 kids).  He was confident that this IS what we're going to do (if given the chance) and we'll do whatever it takes to make it work.

Second - A sweet friend this morning wrote on her Facebook page about how her newest foster placement has improved so much in the short time she's had him.  Now, that isn't always the case and after 20 foster children (and a handful of RADlets) I certainly understand that well.  But I also know that even WITH the RADlets I've had the behavior, though difficult, DID improve at least a little due to proper care and stability.  There are no guarantees with these new kiddos but I know it IS possible and more importantly, our God is able.

I love that.

A Mouse at the Corner of Ugly and Ugly - Beauty is Still in Sight

We are finally making progress in the attempt to have the siblings come live with us.  Progress - as in I actually have a date (that I refuse to actually write down because last time I did it changed before I made two phone calls).

Now I'm being warned - this behavior may be too much.  Is daycare really the right choice?  This behavior may be too much.  "I'm concerned about the behavior".

I've known about the behavioral challenges from the beginning but as things go (and cases too) when children are moved repeatedly behaviors tend to become overexaggerated.  Behaviors can be scary in some circumstances.  Lifestyle change due to behaviors can be even more scary.  The thought of how our lives might have to change to accomodate these children causes a bit of stress.

Then though there is the compounding fear - what if it IS too much.  What if we have to ask them to be removed?  The thought is unbearable.  It would mean yet another move for these children.  And for us.

It would also mean with certainty baby baby would be moved.  Once the children are together they will not be separated for almost any reason regardless of who has more relationship with whom at that point.

So we stand at a cross-road.  Today for us life is great except we know our baby has siblings, children I've felt like were "mine" from the beginning, who are not with us.  Right before us we have two paths.  One involves bringing the children into our home with the chance of healing, permanency, and hope but the very real risk of chaos, RAD, & ODD.  We are committed to not letting that be a reason to stop us and yet if for some reason it doesn't work out this path is forward only and at some point we would face the decision to let them ALL go, including our baby, or accept the consequences of keeping them all.  The other involves NOT bringing the children into our home because of our fears of what could be.  In the end we'd lose baby baby with that plan as well as they'd seek to find another home for all 4.  This is it.  There's no going back.

I described this whole 5-month process as feeling like a mouse being led around with a piece of cheese in front of my nose.  I see the cheese and I'm pursuing it but as I do I run across this wall and that obstacle.  It's been very hard to find the other end of the maze.  I know that someone is holding the cheese and someone is putting up obstacles.  The challenge is  - I'm not sure who is who.  Is it devinely appointed that we should follow that cheese, that God continues to whisper "keep going - it will be worth it", even when we face obstacle after obstacle designed to keep these children from a forever home that will help them heal?  OR, is the cheese a distraction from something else we're supposed to be pursuing and God continues to save us from that path by putting the obstacles in front of us to protect us?  I honestly feel like it could be either and I'm not always confident as to which way to turn.

I suppose this is where Matthew 6:33 comes into play, that I should seek 1st the Kingdom and everything else will work its way out (my paraphrase), but it's in the practical, daily steps where that begins to be hard.  This does though give me hope.  As I run around in this little maze with cheese and stumbling blocks galore what I do know is that on the other side the true reward remains.  I must run this race, maze and all, with perseverance to obtain the prize and even though today I'm at the corner of Ugly and Ugly, there is beauty where the sidewalk ends.  Of this I am certain.

What the WHAT (?!?) - Trying to decipher this plan...

I wish I could post a picture as the title of this post.  If I could, it would be the following:

Instead, I used the phrase my daughter has been saying recently.  (Where DO they get this stuff?)

So you know about our situation last week that is leading to a disrupted placement for #19 & #20.  You know about how #3's mom tragically died this week and we found out about it on the news.  (Did I mention she was shot in the head?  yeah...).  You also remember the craziness we've been through with #16 (a.k.a. "baby baby") and his siblings who were (sadly) sent back to their relatives by the judge on a technicality (from what I can put together)?

Well it's been rough around here.  It's been hard to put together all of the pieces and get a good understanding about why things have shaped up the way they have.  Why did we have to experience the safety issue in our home when things were otherwise going so well? Why did we need to go through all of that?  Why did my son and the boys have to start the bonding/healing process only to be moved to another family eventually?  Why did the judge send the other kids back?  What will happen to them?  To baby baby?    What's next for all of us?

I have an intense desire to have my life planned out before Mie.  In reality it is planned out so I should be happy but REALLY what I want is to know those plans, in detail, at all times.  That ain't happening and it makes me uncomfortable.

To make a long dramatic story short (about what's happened in the last few days, especially the last 24 hours), the plan is now certainly to have #19 & #20 moved.  Everyone seems to be in agreement with that.  That was "decided" last night.  This morning I contacted Baby Baby's case worker to let her know of the change in our situation.  When we previously accepted the placement I had contacted her first to make sure they wouldn't remove #16 from us if we accepted #19 & #20 so she knew we had them.  I wanted her to know that situation changed, just in case.  Two minutes later she called me back to let me know they want to move the siblings with us but it will take a little bit to get things in order on their end.

There are still some things to be worked out including court orders and licensing.  There is a complication in that when we request our license we are having to request from complete strangers, not our usual worker who is unavailable right now.  I know there is a little concern on their end, not knowing us, about mie being a working mom and having kids those ages.  We're hoping that it all works out.  We really are.  This was our dream situation when we started and we've been hoping and praying since it was presented to us that it would work out.

Could it be that it all works out this way tied with a pretty bow?

Tuesday's Tears - The Flawed System & Siblings Update

I am desperately trying not to become jaded by the system.  Not to become one of those foster parents and by that I'm not referring to the evil dangerous ones of which I will never be but one of those who are tired of fighting the system.

Our kids deserve better.  They deserve to have someone to fight on their behalf.  They NEED it.

Oh but It. Is. So. Hard.

Last week we finally learned the (initial) fate of our #16's siblings.  I'm told in a text message that court did not go well, that the judge finally ruled on the 14 day hearing (8 weeks later) and with no other rationale the kids were ordered back to the home they were removed from.  I do not know this home.  I do not know the family.  I just know what everyone has described to me.  This is not  a safe place for "my" kids to be.

There is now nothing that can be done about it (in the natural world).  Judge has ruled.  Despite whatever evidence there was to remove the judge has decided it wasn't enough.  Who knows what the reason was.  I wish I could tell you what I have been told about this place.  You would be furious.  I will tell you that it involves multiple dangerous scenarios in the same house, any one of which would warrant removal in many situations.  These kiddos have now lived without any family of their own for 2 months only to be sent back to the place they were "saved" from to begin with.  With all of that said, the investigating agency isn't left with much choice.

Now it must escalate far worse than it was in the past to get ANY help to those kids.  My guess is that there will be no services - the department can't give the perception of harassing the family now that the judge ordered the removal to be unwarranted (for whatever reason).  So if there was drug abuse or domestic violence or mental health issues - all of it can be left unchecked, unsupported, unhealed.  The kids would be left amidst it all.  If it got slightly worse - maybe they're left outside in the cold for a while, they show up to school dirty and hungry, they start showing up to school irregularly - there won't be anything the department can do?  Afterall - it will only go back to the same judge who will do the same thing and send them back.  Again.  It will have to escalate to violence toward the children.  Battered.  Bruised.  Bloody.  Probably multiple times.  Much quieter, deep neglect.  Even then...

I have been praying for these children since I knew they existed.  I've been praying they could be all together, including #16.  I've been praying they could come live with us.  Am I disappointed?  Yes, of course, I wish they could be at our home, all together, one big happy family.

But as foster care goes...

I am not even worried about my feelings.  The sadness I thought would be there for "losing" these children has been non-existent or at least greatly dwarfed by the feeling of despair and fear I have for these children.  I am genuinely concerned for them.  My heart hurts for them.

On paper adoption with us looks better for #16 when the siblings are where they are today.  The reality though is that with the judge's ruling as it was the future for baby baby may not be so bright either.  There will be pressure.  It will be a fight like none other to keep this child safe.  I don't even care anymore (well, I suppose I do some) whether they end up with us or not.

I just want to go to sleep at night knowing their safe, loved, and provided for.

I wish that wasn't too much to ask.

It isn't too much for the One who holds the world in his hands.  Please join us in praying for these siblings who desperately need miraculous intervention and everyone else in the world who through no fault of their own are victims of injustice.  They don't have to stay there...

Thankful Thursday - Stability

Our lives as a foster family lack any sense of normal.  They say in the world the only thing guaranteed to stay the same is that everything keeps changing - oh how true that is in our family.

I just dropped off #17 & #18 with the caseworker.  You know, the caseworker who had apparently never met them even though they had been removed in August and in our home since the end of December.  She knew nothing about them and nothing about us except for that my sister and I look alike.  I suppose that's good so she knew which random person at McD's she should walk up to in order to get the kids she didn't know.  I tried to prepare them the best I could.  I even broke out the Spanish so I knew they understood the words I was saying (we've been trying to teach them English so I've not been speaking much Spanish to them).  #17 was happy to go to his relatives house but I could tell it was a nervous smile and later was proven correct when he bumped his head ever so slightly and the flood of emotions came out. I asked him if he was crying because he didn't want to leave (in Spanish) and he said yes.  I felt horrible.  #18 just sat there with stoicism as she does when she isn't feeling safe.  I could see the terror in her eyes.  I hated every minute of it.

But now we go back to a new reality.  Our core family plus baby baby (who, in case you were wondering, has not had a ruling yet in his case afterall...).  Life is so much easier with our core family and it is remarkable how helpful it is to have the core family together when foster children leave.

Core.  Stable.  They go hand in hand.  Our core family is where our stability is at.  We know we will not leave each other the way our foster children leave.  We will be together as long as God allows.  In this time change, yet again, it is so comforting to have the core family come together again and enjoy each others' company.

This time we plan on going to Monster Jam this weekend.  It will be the first time Summer is old enough to come with us and we've invited a few extras to come along.  Monster Jam is stable and routine; we go every year and it's an opportunity for us to reconnect, have fun, and do something together that carries tradition with it.

We'll probably play games together tonight or help Logan prepare for the upcoming cup-stacking tournament.  We're going to eat Salmon.  Maybe we'll go out for ice cream.  I'll probably let my kids sleep in my bed.

So our life is changing once again.  One way or another I expect it to change again in the near future as baby baby's case receives the judge's ruling.  I hope he stays.  I hope his siblings will come with us.  Neither of those may happen.  Both might.

We really don't know how our life will shape up.  I hope you realize that neither do you even if you're not a foster parent.  But for today we will enjoy our core family, the stable things we're given and the promise that God will never leave us.

More Tears Today

I wrote yesterday's post before yesterday happened.  As I sat I had no idea that my life would take a turn even further into the "no permanency for YOU" world.

We have been waiting for 3 weeks now for a sibling group to join our home.  The people who removed them want them here.  The placement people want them here.  The new workers have been wishy-washy saying "they're not sure yet", so these kids wait and wait.

So do we.

I've turned down an adoptive placement while waiting.

My kids know that these other kiddos are out there waiting.

Baby Baby's future in our home is tied to these siblings so that if they don't come, he will almost certainly leave at some point.  (This is going to kill mie, and my son, and my husband.).

Yesterday we got a semi-answer.  Apparently the state (county) doesn't feel like people can handle 6 kids these ages (we're only licensed for up to 6 years old, so you can imagine what their ages might look like).  They think it will be detrimental for those kids, for our kids, for our family.  (Honestly I'm not sure how concerned they really are about that).

So the impact is that these children wait with NO family while there is a family eager to committ to them permanently, trauma and all.  We have had lots of experience with children these ages, as a large family, with similar traumas.  Yet the desire (I think) is to place them with a smaller family.  This means that they would have to be placed with a family that has NO kids or 1 (Imagine going from 0 or 1 to 4 or 5 with traumatic behaviors?  Jeesh.) or an older family with kids who are older (and therefore they are older, committing to raising at least 4 young ones).  *sigh*  The logic makes no sense to mie though I DO appreciate the desire to think through what's best for everyone.  I just wish they'd actually come see our family in action or maybe even read our homestudy.  Maybe talk to us or people who see us on a regular basis and realize that our family CAN handle this.

The further impact (if they're concerned about our family) is that the kids in our house will leave and 3 or 4 more children will come in a few weeks.  They will leave and 3 or 4 more will come in a few weeks - so in other words my family will have 5 or 6 kids in that age range ANYWAY and there's no guarantee (quite the opposite!) that they're going to have experienced less trauma.

Our hearts are defeated right now.  We did hear from someone yesterday that asked when we'd be ready to take the kids.  I could have been dishonest and not bring up the conversation from earlier in the day and instead said "bring them now!" - then they would have had to justify removing them from my home.  But that wasn't the RIGHT thing to do and if nothing else we're dedicated to doing the right thing for these kids.

I'm still trying to remember that God is in control.  This will work out and the kids will come to our home in the right time or they won't.  God is still on the throne and we can only assume then there is a better plan out there for us.  We shall see.  Thanks for coming on the journey with us.