Working Mama Wednesday - Dr. Mie

In case you missed it, I successfully defended my dissertation on October 18th, finally ending my official status as "grad student" that I've hung onto since 2005.  It took mie 7 1/2 years to get a Masters & Ph.D. while working full-time (with at least 5 job changes), giving birth once, adopting once, and parenting 12 others among many, many other life events (like identifying & working on infertility and everything that happened as chronicled in the "one year ago today" series).  

This whole process of finishing feels so strange in many ways.  I went through school for so long.  I had this goal of completing a Ph.D. for a LONG time.  I worked at it.  Several times I wanted to quit.  The process is so nebulous that aside from signing up for and completing the classes that are clearly defined (and not all are) the rest of it you have to figure out as you go so I've spent time wandering the lost forest of doctoral work never quite knowing exactly what the next step is or what it will take to finish.  When you start you know about the dreaded "Dissertation" and just like any final step it seems impossible and is equally scary.  It has been hanging over my head (along with the goal and all the work involved in completing the degree) for 7 1/2 years!  It has been a major stresser in my life.  I've desperately wanted to quit several times.  My husband and I have fought at times, not necessarily about school but as a result of it.  I've sacrificed sleep.  I've sacrificed time with my kiddos.  It has been hard.

I finished coursework in Spring 2011 and took about a year off just enjoying NOT doing schoolwork.  The stress of having school still hanging over mie was a heavy weight and combined with a peer's graduation it helped motivate mie to actively finish the rest of the degree process this past spring.  I got in gear.  In a matter of 4 weeks or so I finished my comprehensive exams (writing over 100 pages in 2 weeks while working full-time and parenting) and I proposed my dissertation.  For the next 4 months I collected and analyzed data then wrote the rest of my dissertation (ended up being approx. 145 pages).  It was a LOT of work.  Then after getting the approval of my major professor to proceed another professor on my committee said I needed to start over.  With 3 weeks left to my dissertation defense.  That was defeating.  For the next 10 days I tried to coordinate schedules (while working...) with a professor half way around the world in a different time zone with myself and another professor who was a stickler for her own schedule.  

I got really sick.  4/5 of my kids had birthdays in as many weeks.  I got sick again.  Twice.  I threw a mega birthday party and sent a kid home.  Twice.  I got almost no sleep.  My husband and I decided that if it didn't work now I'd probably stop the program (and give up on my dream).  We just couldn't do it anymore.

So Oct. 18th came.  I made my presentation for 10 minutes.  I answered tough questions for 40 minutes or so.  Then they kicked everyone out of the room to vote.  

They opened the door and said "Doctor?..." indicating I passed.  My committee greeted mie by shaking my hand, saying congratulations, and telling mie how well I did.  That all lasted 60 seconds, tops.  Everyone (school peers who were there to watch) came back in the room and said congrats.  We sat down to do an informal Q&A for another 45 minutes or so.  

....and it was done.  I was done.  School was done.  I was ready to graduate.  I was officially "Dr.".  

All that work, suddenly over.  

The relief and weight off my shoulders is something I can physically feel.  The stress of it all is gone.  My brain works better - it has one less thing to worry about.  I am generally happier.  I feel great.

On the other hand - it feels empty, like "that's it? It's over?"  I don't need or want to be celebrated by others (in fact the congratulations has made mie very uncomfortable) but it feels like there should have been trumpets sounding or some other fanfare to accompany the finale.  In other words, I just can't believe it's done and I'm finally on the other side of this long, long journey.

Usually I'm not really conscious of the fact that I've finished, that I'm now a "Dr.", or of all the hurdles I had to jump over to finish.  But every once in a while I sit back and think "yeah, I did it".  

I don't every want people to call mie Dr. unless it's appropriate for the professional situation.  I'm not someone who's going to walk around introducing myself as "Dr. G...".  I don't need a party or anything else.  This was a personal goal that I desperately wanted to finish and finally have.  

I am, however, looking forward to the first time I get to fill in an anonymous survey somewhere and can check "Dr." or under highest level of education completed "Ph.D." instead of "some graduate school".  

I. Can't. Wait. 

Working Mama Wednesday - Why I'm Grateful I Worked Through College

If I haven't already said, I worked full-time while in college.  After getting about 5 hours of sleep last night I found myself thinking about it on the drive to work this morning.  I graduated with my Bachelor's degree 3 years after I graduated from high school - at least a year earlier than most of my classmates.  Since I was usually a year younger than most people in my grade that means I ended up graduating from college when I was 20.  It was a lot of work.

I am SO grateful that's the way it went down.  There are obvious reasons:

• I graduated & entered the job market when I was 20.
• I paid for 1 less year of college.
• When I did graduate I had enough practical work experience to land me a job that led to my current career AND paid really well for a new-college-grad starting salary (and, frankly, for most anyone's salary).  I mean - I was able to buy a house when I was 20 with my own money.

These are great reasons to have worked, full-time, through college but honestly they are not what I'm most grateful for now.  You see, working full-time through college taught mie SO much about life.  Looking back I suppose I didn't have to work full-time.  I went to a private university and my parents paid my tuition for the first 2 1/2 years (I paid the final semester).  They paid for mie to live in the dorms the first year and I lived at home the other two years.  I suppose I could have worked part time and made enough to get by.  I bought a new car in the beginning of my 2nd year of school and I suppose I could have not done that.  I could have taken out loans and lived on campus without a car.  I could have sold my car and bought another one that was more reliable but still used rather than buying a new one and lived at home.  I had enough of a safety net to fall back on at home and allow mie to take it a bit easier.  There was nothing requiring mie to do it all in 3 years.  

Except there was.  My parents instilled in mie a sense of personal responsibility.  Though I didn't have to and my parents didn't necessarily encourage it, I started working at 15 to help pay for my own things (including my first car and car insurance + a bit of spending money).  I wanted to help pay my own way - I didn't want to freeload on my parents forever.  (Not that living with your parents at 15 is freeloading). 

So when I turned 18 and had the chance to begin working full-time I took the chance.  I moved back in with my parents so I'd be closer to work a block away vs. 20 minutes from school.  I arranged my schedule so I had all of my classes on Tues & Thursday meaning I had to make the drive to school on those days and I worked during the day on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday and then either on Sunday or Thursday nights.  This allowed mie to go to church on Sunday mornings and maybe Sunday or Thursday night college group events (where my husband and I really started dating) but the rest of the time I was working, in class, or doing homework.  Literally, that's all I did.  

But in that I learned extremely valuable life lessons that come in really helpful today in the real world as a mom or a wife:

• Pay now/play later or play now/pay later - it's your choice.  You will have to pay one way or the other.  While friends, classmates, and coworkers were out partying or doing whatever they did, I was working either on school or at work.  But now I see where there lives are - many are struggling to get by, still wondering when they're going to catch their big breaks.  Many are struggling to pay basic bills in low-paying jobs because they don't have the skills (or discipline) to do much more.  Obviously this is not everyone's story and many of them have had things face them that were out of control but the point is that you will either pay now with lots of work or later with lots of work.  This life was not meant to be easy.
• I can do a lot more than most people think they can (but only for a time).  The ONLY reason I graduated in 3 years was because I felt I needed to with working full-time.  I didn't want to keep up that pace for a 4th year.  I came into college with a semester's credits behind mie due to AP classes/tests so after my 2nd year I realized I could take a heavy load including the summers and was able to finish a year early.  It took mega planning.  It took a lot of work.  I remember sitting for a week's vacation with my husband (then boyfriend) and his family doing nothing but writing papers.  Occasionally I took a break to take a sunset walk on the beach or eat a meal but for the most part I was taking care of a college class - actually 2 6 week summer classes in the course of a week.  
• It's no one else's job to take care of my family.  Yes, there may come a time (and has) where we've needed brief support - like family or friends baby sitting my kiddos while I work hard on a paper.  Though we all need help from time to time I realize it is not everyone else's responsibility to pay my way or do my work.  It is my husband and my responsibility to provide for our family.  It is our responsibility to clean the house and do laundry.  To pay bills.  To teach our kids.  To cook dinner.  etc., etc.  So, when I do need to ask someone to help I do so humbly and respectfully, knowing they are providing a huge benefit to our family in helping not because it is their obligation but because they are gracious people who deserve my respect and appreciation.

So yes, I worked really hard in my late teens and early 20s and it has paid off financially.  I'm grateful for that but it's the practical lessons I learned from those experiences that really has given mie a leg-up on life.  

As I now sit facing 30-45 more days before I defend my dissertation, knowing it is not yet finished and therefore I need to work really hard daily on it, even though I have a more than full-time job and 3 kids, a husband, and a home to care for, I'm benefiting greatly from these lessons:

a) Pay now - Every day I have to make the conscious decision to work, work, work.  30-45 more days and I can play and celebrate and will truly be done with school, finally (with the exception of formalities).  This means I have to forgo watching my favorite shows that distract mie.  I can't sit at night after the kids go to bed and do my crafts or work on house projects that I want to complete or take a nice bubble bath.  If I work really hard now I can get this piece behind mie and I know the reward of being done instead of having this hang over my head will be worth it.

b) Do a lot more (but only for a time).  Until I'm finished writing & editing my dissertation I will likely be up until midnight or 1 every night getting it done, that's after a 10-12 hour work day and 3-6 hours total with the kids each day, and 1-2 hours of housework.  I'll be getting 4-5 hours of sleep a night.  I won't be able to get everything done and the upstairs playroom might not get cleaned for a while.  I know that I can do this.  I keep telling myself (literally) that I can do anything for 30 days.  I know I can.  And to that end its because I know the reward of being done will be worth it.

c) It's no one else's job.  Though I can leave some things undone for a while (like finishing painting the guest room or cleaning the carpets in my bedroom), I can't just let things go completely.  In the end my relationship and health of my kids and with my husband are much more important than finishing my degree - I have to spend at least some intentional time daily nurturing them.  I can't just not do laundry.  I can't not clean the kitchen.  It needs to be done.  However, it doesn't need to be done as meticulously as I would if I had nothing else to do.  And, it doesn't HAVE to be done by mie.  I can reach out humbly and ask for help.  I can ask my husband to pitch in to help in areas where I usually do something but could use his help.  Not only does it get things done that I couldn't do myself, it gives mie a chance to communicate my needs to others and build that part of our relationship better.  It also gives mie a chance to show sincere appreciation to those in my life who are willing to step in and help. It's made mie pay conscious attention to the things that need done, can be put off, and can be done by others.  It's made mie pay conscious attention to how I treat those I love in my life and how I'm showing them gratitude.

Basically, I'm more efficient with life.  I'm less-selfish.  I'm getting more important things done and forgetting about things that are more frivolous (like So You Think You Can Dance and cleaning the toilets - hehe - really my toilets are clean).  I'm learning I can make mistakes and ask for forgiveness when I do.  I'm actively prioritizing things and people in my life in the right order (see the previous mistakes sentence).  

If you're a parent of young kids like mie and wonder what will happen when your kids go to school and how you'll pay for it all and wanting to help them not work - just remember that working isn't all that bad necessarily.  Balancing some level of work with other things in life teaches our children responsibility that will truly benefit them as adults.  Though I won't be forcing my children to work full-time through school if they don't have to, I will be trying to make sure they are contributing to their financial situation if for no other reason than to learn self-responsibility and accountability for their actions, priorities, and behaviors. 

Moolah Monday - College Education

One of the biggest concerns people have about family size is the financial aspects.  It seems as if the two biggest concerns (for individuals with health insurance) is childcare and college tuition.  This is true whether the child in question is biologically related, adopted, or has some other connection to the family but it seems even more pressing an issue for people who are considering making the conscious choice of adding an additional member to their family through adoption.  The good news is that there are resources available (like adoption subsidy) to cover some expenses that could be applied to things like childcare to help ease the burden.  There are programs for children who are adopted from foster care to help cover college tuition as well, but before I get into that I have a few things to say about parental responsibility for college:

My parents paid for all but $5K of my undergraduate education at a private university.  I worked full-time and paid for many of my own expenses including books, transportation, insurance (auto & health), etc., but they paid for my housing either through my first year at the dorms or my other two years living at home.  Yes, that's only 3 years.  I finished in 3 years which saved about 20K.  I got married about 6 months after I graduated, which meant the rest of my schooling was on mie - I've paid about 60K for all of my graduate school, not including what has been reimbursed by my employer.  All-in-all, the cost of my education primarily in the 2000's has been about $120K, again, not including living expenses.

That's a lot of money.

I do not believe it is the parent's responsibility to provide college for the child.  I certainly don't believe that it is their obligation to provide Ivy League tuition and living for children.  College is neither a right nor an obligation in my mind.  You have to work to get in, you have to work to pay for it, and you have to work to get out - preferably in that order.  I was blessed that for the first 2 1/2 years my parents were able to send a monthly check to the school so that I didn't have to worry about the tuition check.  I chose to live at home (the second two years) so that I didn't have to pay the cost of an apartment near school because I didn't believe it was my parent's responsibility to pay for other housing.  I worked full-time because I didn't believe it was my parent's responsibility to pay for all the "extras" I wanted - regardless of whether or not they could afford it.

Something happened in my last semester of school, at which point I had stopped working full-time, which required mie to fork over my own school dough and I ended up taking a small student loan to cover the cost last minute.  I didn't sit back and whine about not being able to go to school or having a debt to pay.  I did worry about how I was going to come up with 5K in the middle of a semester, without notice, given a set of circumstances that made the FAFSA really complicated, and how as a result I would or would not be able to graduate on-time relative to what I had worked so hard to do.

All that said I was grateful for the support I received from my parents and as a parent I want to do whatever is possible to help my children go to college.  I do hope that they all have the opportunity to go to college and maybe even grad school if they so choose and I will do everything I can to support them in that endeavor, including financially supporting them if I possibly can.  That being said I do not believe the inability to pay for college tuition makes adoption an irresponsible decision.  I do not believe family size should be dictated by the number of children you can put through college (financially).  I think it should be something you think about but only as a consideration point so you are aware of how adoption will impact your family including other children in the home rather than a as a disqualification factor.

I hope we will find a way to save and pay for Logan's college tuition so that he doesn't have to worry about it.  Even if we can't, we'll encourage him to proceed through school with whatever help we can provide at the time knowing there's a lesson in persevering and, by the way, working through college won't kill you (I'm living proof).  That being said I don't know how many children we'd be able to save up for.  We discussed it with Summer, that it would be a stretch but we could like afford 2 college tuitions especially considering they are 3 years apart educationally, but how many more children we could afford realistically is definitely in question.

When we began pursuing foster care adoption we knew of a program here in Texas whereas any child deemed to have special needs (older than 6, minority over 2, sibling group, or true medical special need) would qualify to have in-state tuition covered as long as the program was in place at the time the adoption was finalized.  We knew this program could go away at some point but that it was in place at the current time (and, right now still is).  "Unfortunately", Summer was a 2 year old caucasian child with no medical special needs.  When her brother was placed for adoption elsewhere she was no longer member of a sibling group and therefore, in our eyes, did not qualify for the college tuition program as an adopted "special needs" child. Of course we proceeded with the adoption but knew our ability to support both children through college, or more children as they came, could be limited in the future, but that fact did not make us bad parents.  (Amen?)

At a foster parent's meeting last week we were surprised to learn of a different program federal government that provides college tuition waivers for children who were ever in foster care.  Our program in Texas requires that the student be in DFPS custody on or after:

• The day preceding the student's 18th birthday;
• The day of the student's 14th birthday, if the student was also eligible for adoption on or after that day;
• The day the student graduated from high school or received the equivalent of a high school diploma;
• The day the student was adopted if that date is on or after September 1, 2009
• The day permanent managing conservatorship of the student was grant to an individual other than the student's parent, if that date is on or after September 1, 2009 or
• If the student enrolls in a dual credit course or other course which a high-school student may earn joint high school and college credit, and is in conservatorship on the day of enrollment

The only requirement for eligible individuals is that they enroll before their 25th birthday.  (see the full program here).  I've highlighted the way Summer qualifies above.  I'm told the tuition waiver is available for all in-state tuition including some vocational schools and even extends to graduate and professional degree programs.  In other words, Summer could go through college to get her Ph.D. like her mommy, and have tuition covered.  Of course, not all of our children will go to college, many of us are just hoping to get them through high school, but having the financial aspect covered can go along way to encouraging our kids to succeed through higher education.  If we can say "You can do it!" all along and help them by removing the financial barrier then we have a better chance of motivating them to do all the other work that a college education requires.


I'm told the program is funded by a federal program, but I have yet to find that information.  It appears as if there are federal funds tied to foster care that are being directed to tuition waivers as mandated by state legislatures.  In plain language - check with your state for availability.


I didn't worry about college for Summer too much to this point and it certainly wouldn't have made us avoid adoption altogether, but it is wonderful to know that she does qualify for tuition waivers through the state as long as funds are still available at the time.  

A HUGE Step

My life in the past week has been crazy good.

I've had some amazing changes at work - but since working mama Wednesday is only tomorrow I'll let you all wait for those updates until then.  Today I will focus on my education.

A few weeks ago I was working on my doctoral comprehensive exams.  It was stressful and I was very much ready to give up and be done.  Thankfully my husband swooped in next to mie and gave mie the encouragement and environment I needed to finish and turn my 80 pages (x 6 copies) in 4 days before the due date. I was so happy to turn them in that I didn't bother asking how I'll find out if I passed.

For those of you unfamiliar with the doctoral process, it typically goes something like this:

1. Admittance, acceptance, & enrollment
2. Coursework - my program had 72 units, 60 of which is considered my coursework.  60 units = 20 classes and that took mie 3 years to complete.
   2a - Residency - my program required that for 2 consecutive semesters I HAD to go full-time, which meant 3 classes per semester.  I did that in 2008 to 2009, my first year in the program.  Because I was doing residency, we delayed any fertility testing and treatments until spring 2009 - subsequently that is when we began learning the true nature of our infertility and was the beginning of our journey into foster care & adoption.
3. Comprehensive exams - each program is different, but I had 2 weeks to answer, in essay form, lots and lots of questions.  Many times students will do comprehensive exams toward the end of their last semester of coursework - that is the first time you are eligible to complete them.  I on the other hand worked full-time and was caring for 4 children under 5 years old and was going through the drama of waiting for Summer's brother, so I just said no to comps in Spring 2011.  I ended up waiting an extra year before I completed them.
   
   When you complete your comps successfully you are promoted to "doctoral candidate".  Then you are able to pursue the last step of obtaining a doctoral degree - the dissertation.  A dissertation is a major research project that should be publishable and contribute to the body of knowledge in your subject area.  It's a lot of work and professors will tell you it's the hardest part because no one is pushing you to complete it - you have support but are on your own in motivating yourself to get it done.
   
4. Dissertation Proposal - Before you can do your research you have to put together, and defend, your dissertation proposal.  You can start doing this during coursework but can't officially make progress until your comprehensive exams are done.  The proposal involves writing 3 of 5 chapters of the final dissertation, including all of the introduction to the study, an analysis of existing literature, and then defining HOW you are going to do the study (in painful detail).  Once you are done writing this piece (mine is 45ish pages long, not counting references and the appendix) you then get to present the "proposal" to your doctoral committee, a group of 3-5 professors who are officially chosen to work with you during the dissertation process.  The proposal is public and so anyone can go including other students, other faculty, family, and friends, but it is in an intimate setting.  You present your information and then the committee members (and other faculty, if they are there) grill you about your proposal, pointing out all of the flaws and making suggestions to make it better.  At the end you either pass or fail.  When you pass you are free to move forward with the dissertation process.
5. Conduct Dissertation Research - After you have an approved proposal you start collecting data however you said you would and then you do the statistical analysis and write up the findings.  In the end you have 5 chapters worth of information that is referred to as "the dissertation".  
6. Dissertation Defense - When your dissertation is complete you then come back before your committee to present the results.  You have to be able to answer their questions again, similar to the proposal, but if you do it right through the process the dissertation defense, though big and scary, is fun and celebratory.  If you pass, at the end your committee congratulates you by calling you "Dr." for the first time.
7. Graduation - All the regalia of a graduation ceremony, complete with a "hooding" ceremony (no joke),  at the end of which you are FINALLY done.  Like all the way done.

So my friends, last Wednesday I got word that I had passed my comps.  Literally I got a few words, in an email, from my professor.  After ALL that work and tears, the email read "You have passed your comps.  Congratulations".  I joked with him yesterday that it was pretty anti-climatic and I really expected some fanfare over completing that step.  Most students get all freaked out about the dissertation process but the comps is what really got to mie.  At the time I took my comps my dissertation proposal was almost completely ready for presentation and I was not at all afraid of that process.  Aside from just needing a break from school, the REAL reason I delayed comps for a year was I was afraid I'd fail - so passing for mie was huge.

The goal in getting my comps done when I did was to be able to propose my dissertation this semester. I was able to arrange for my committee to meet yesterday, the first day of finals week, for my dissertation proposal.  As I said I had most of it done during comps and so I didn't have much to do besides put together the powerpoint and make final corrections.  

Yesterday I defended my dissertation proposal.

As I walked into the room to get ready my major professor told mie that I he was going to be taping mie.  He runs a website for doctoral students to understand the process and had examples of all the other stages EXCEPT the dissertation proposal defense, so he prepped it so that I would be the example.  He didn't want mie to freak out so he didn't tell mie in advance.  I didn't mind but I probably would have done a better job prepping for the presentation.  My hubby attended my proposal, which made it extra special.

As I got up to begin my presentation I started seeing the familiar blindness of aura.  Those of you who experience aura with migraine are familiar with what I'm talking about.  I don't get them that often anymore, but I have a history of wicked migraines and wouldn't you know I was fortunate enough to get one of the worst in a long time right as I stood up to present.  I mean literally - I was just fine all the time up to the time I stood up.  Then I couldn't see, almost at all.  I knew what it was and tried to play it off but when I was done with the presentation and ready to sit down for the questions I just let the committee know that if I gave them funny looks bear with mie - I couldn't see them.  The thing about aura is that though it is annoying and can be disturbing, the pain and other effects of migraine don't really start until the aura goes away - I had time to finish but I knew what was coming.

Overall the process went really well and I PASSED!  I was later told that behind closed doors I had great kuddos for my work and many of the questions were purely for the camera so other students could see some of the questions they should be prepared for.  Migraines make my intellectual processing flow pretty slow, so it's wonderful that the example for students at this large university will be mie, not being able to see, surely looking and sounding a bit "slow".  

Bottom line though - I passed.  In the past week I passed my comprehensive exams and my dissertation proposal.  The last major step is to pass the dissertation defense, which I plan to do in September, then I can graduate in December.  I CANNOT WAIT!!!

Working Mama Wednesday - The Ph.D.

An anonymous friend asked about the Ph.D. so I figured I'd share more about it with you.  These are a few questions I get asked frequently.

What will your Ph.D. in?
My Ph.D. will be in human performance improvement, which, in a nutshell is the study of human behavior, organizational psychology, human resources, adult education, training and development, and a few more all wrapped into one.  I have a Masters degree in the same program.  When I started that program it was called "Training and Development".  Most of the time when I tell people about "performance improvement" they have no idea what I'm talking about, unless they're in the field, and many assume its a sports-related field.

What do you plan to do with that?  Do you want to teach?
This is an understandable and reasonable question but is one I have a really hard time answering.  The truth of the matter is that a lot of people who obtain a doctorate do so because they want to teach and most degree programs and universities are aimed at preparing graduates to become professors at research universities.  That's kind of the goal even though more and more people are pursuing degrees even though they don't want to teach.  As a Ph.D. student, most people think you are wanting to be a professor.

Though I believe I would enjoy being a professor and may do that at some point, that really has nothing to do with why I decided to get a Ph.D.  I'm also not from one of those families where everyone is highly educated at Ivy league universities and therefore its expected for you to get a professional degree (M.D., J.D., etc.) or a Ph.D.  As far as I know, there are only 5-10 people in my large family with bachelors degrees, maybe 4 with Masters degrees, and I will be the first with a Ph.D.  But that's not why I'm doing it either.

It probably won't help mie directly in my career, at least not how my career is headed today.  It will not directly tie to a pay increase.

In reality - I don't plan on doing anything with it.  I didn't pursue it "to do something with it".

So why did you go through all that then?
I want to say I don't know.  The reality is that I don't.  From a practical perspective I have no idea why I decided to go through all of this, and it has been a lot.  I would have told you at the end of my Masters program that it wasn't that big of a deal - and it wasn't.  The Ph.D. process has been more difficult but not because of the intellectual rigor, more because I've been doing all this on top of raising a young family and working full-time.  It has been a lot of work, a long commitment, a bit of a financial investment, and ultimately  a test of endurance, from my perspective.

And that is just it - from my perspective.

I have done it because I can.  That is my most honest answer that has stuck with mie since the idea became apparent and I couldn't tell you when that was.  Maybe middle school.  I wouldn't call it a life-long dream.  It is an expectation.  Not my parents expectation.  Not my husband's expectation.  Not a particular teacher or friend's expectation.

I believe it is God's expectation.  Of Mie.  Between Mie and Him.  Maybe that's why it's so hard to explain.   It is a deeply personal thing that I believe He has placed in Mie for some reason that not even I am going to be privy to until it is time.  I was born with a particular ability to learn very quickly.  I was raised in an environment that let Mie flourish intellectually - not through pressure but through freedom to grow into who I'm created to be.  I've grown to believe over time that God has given me these abilities for a reason.  Over time some people have treated Mie like I'm special or "better than" because of this intellectual ability and it makes mie really uncomfortable.  In the end, I'm trying to do the best with what I've been given.  I'm fortunate that I've been blessed with the ability to learn quickly and that has translated into educational "success", but I am deeply aware that the only role I've had in all that is to try to be faithful with what I've been given.

I think that's been the greatest challenge in it all too.   There have been times where things have become rough - when I've been up all night trying to get something done or when I've focused on schoolwork and subsequently watched my house get filthy - and I get discouraged and I've questioned whether or not this is what I'm supposed to do.  Am I doing this for the right reason?  Am I just doing this for mie?  Is God trying to tell mie not to pursue this?  What on Earth is this all for...?  I've wrestled a bit with God about it all.  Because I don't know - and may never know - the purpose behind this whole Ph.D. thing, sometimes I'm left wondering if it will be worth it, what God has up His sleeve, and, in a very personal way whether the sacrifices I've made in the process are going to be worth it in the end.  Or did I miss something along the way  that I was supposed to catch from God - did I head down the wrong path?

That's not to say that everyone who is "smart" is supposed go to college or get a Ph.D., that I'm somehow better than others because I've done this.  It's not to say that if someone struggles academically that they aren't supposed to continue on in higher education.  It's not to say that pursuing a career in the professorate is good or bad.  I'm afraid that every time I answer this question, because I don't have an easy "to teach" kind of answer, that I'm going to send the wrong message about why this has all happened the way it has.


I don't know.  In the end my answer remains that same - I'm doing it because I can.  God gave mie this gift and I believe I'm supposed to continue on, one step in front of the other, until my feet are pointed in another direction.  I guess that will have to do for now.

Return From the Land of Doctoral Comprehensive Exams

I am officially back from the jungle that is doctoral comprehensive exams.  I am alive, thriving, and seriously hoping I’ll never have to do that again. 

The instructions said I’m not allowed to talk to anyone about the exams except for my major professor.  I’m not sure if that refers to “never talking to anyone about it again in my life” or if it just meant that I’m not allowed to ask other people for the answers.  So, as I describe the process I’ll try to keep that in mind, being reasonable but erring on the side of caution.

In my program, “comps” are a take-home exam.  Students are given 2 weeks to answer 4-6 questions, per committee member, in sufficient detail to answer question completely.  I have 4 committee members but was blessed with a “fewer than average” questions-per-committee member average.  I was asked to complete the questions in 7-10 days, rather than the 14 I was allowed to take, because they wanted me to get them turned in in-time to get them approved so that I could propose my dissertation.  They also wanted me to finish my proposal.

By the end of the first 5 days I had answered half of the questions.  I was finally on a roll and making good progress.  Then I hit the weekend, a busy weekend despite how much I tried to arrange for it to be less busy, and I didn’t make as much progress.  In fact, after finishing half of the questions I didn’t make any more progress on my comps for 3 days.  Instead I had to finish my proposal so I could send it out to my committee for review.  I also had to prepare for and complete an 8-hour testing process for work that spanned 3 days.  (and I have a family to take care of, and…).  So by Tuesday I was freaking out a little bit.  Or a lot.  I had finally finished all the OTHER stuff I needed to do but found myself staring at the computer, paper, and books upon books without anything to write.  I only had 2 days left until the time they asked me to get this all done.  I hadn’t made progress in 3 days so it was feeling insurmountable.

I cried.  I begged my husband to love mie still if I quit the program.  If I just stopped pursuing this Ph.D. and returned to normal life.  I laid on his shoulder for several minutes.  I despaired.  I was wishing he would turn and tell mie to go ahead and quit, that he loves mie and will always love mie and yeah, I don’t need to finish.

That’s not what he did or said.

Instead, he told mie that he would love mie if I quit or if I finished.  Then he told mie that I needed to get out of the house – that he knew what I needed because he pays attention – and that he was going to take care of the kids for the night while I went somewhere else to work on my papers.  The only thing was that I had to be back by 8:20 or so to spend a few minutes with Logan and put him to bed (something he knew I wanted to do). 

So I took my bag o’ books and my teary-eyed face down to the local McDonalds that has free wi-fi and used to have comfy seating.  Used to as in I’d done this before when writing a paper and found it very helpful.  Used to as in they’ve remodeled since and the furniture is not nearly as comfy.

Of the 4 tables being used when I arrived there was a mother/grandmother eating with a young child and 3 other women clearly working on school-related work.  I found this funny.  The non-school folks got up soon after I arrived so I settled in where they used to be.  I made progress.  Tons of progress.  My hubby sent mie pictures of each kiddo playing at the Chick-Fil-A playplace, having a blast.  I only wrote 1 ½ pages while I was there but I’d finally gotten into my groove again and felt I’d be able to finish.  I was hopeful again. 

As it turns out I was able to finish.  I wrapped up my answers shortly before midnight on Thursday night and then did a bit of editing before turning them in on Friday.  In the end I’d written 78 pages in 10 days. 

I’m hopeful that I did well – at least well enough to pass.  I’m not sure how exactly I’ll find out if I passed or not.  I really don’t care, except if they tell mie I didn’t pass I may just quit.  Maybe but probably not.  There would be nothing like going to graduate school for 3 years to earn a Masters degree and 4 more years to earn a Ph.D. only to drop out with half the dissertation done because you don’t want to do comps.  That’s how much I’ve feared and hate comps. 

Hopefully it doesn’t come to that because my dissertation proposal is now scheduled for 5/7, which will allow mie to work on my dissertation over the summer, defend it in the fall…

Working Mama Wednesday - Update on the Chore List

A while back I wrote this post describing all the things I was looking forward to when I was finished with classes at school.  I have pretty much avoided all things school now for both the Summer and Fall semesters and seeing as how I don't want to not finish after all that I have decided to make it my mission to finish this year if it is in my power.  I'll do my part anyway, that's all I can do.  

With that I am going to attempt to complete my comprehensive exams (comps) at the end of February.  Between now and then I'll need to get ready for that and ideally put the finishing touches on my dissertation proposal.  It's pretty close to being ready for proposal defense, but I can't defend the proposal until I complete the comps.  It's all formal like.  

If I'm successful at comps then I'll be able to propose my defense.  If I'm ready, I could propose almost immediately after I pass the comps - like within an hour or so.  That would be cool because I can't finish my dissertation until I do the research - I can't do the research until they approve my proposal.  If all goes well I could potentially defend my dissertation in the Summer and graduate then.  That is my goal for now!

This means I have to get my behind back into the swing of things with doing schoolwork nightly.  Hubby is now home nightly so maybe I could even sneak away one night a week to do dedicated work on this stuff.  I happen to like the local McD's as a quiet place to work.  

As I get through that, I thought I'd go through my list of things I was looking forward to back in April last year to see how well I did on accomplishing them and see what left I have to do (that will have to wait...)

• Catch up with all the laundry - all washed, dried, put away, hung up, and ironed if needed.  Maybe even if not needed.   I did this and it felt good.  Of course recently with the washing machine broken I got behind but this weekend I mostly caught up.  I even ironed.  I'll slightly change this to "wash my suit jackets".  I usually get them dry cleaned but haven't in a while and they're in need of some service.  
• Scrub and sanitize the bathrooms.  Heck, every room  I promise I've done this at least once or twice since last April.  I've done a good job keeping toilets clean with Summer's potty training but this can use some revisiting.
• Clean the carpets I don't think I even tried this...
• Vacuum the stairs It has been done, but as I sit here today needs done again.  I did vacuum all of the upstairs on Monday just didn't get around to the actual stairs.  
• Catch up on couponing I've done good at this!
• Paint the inside of my house Wow - that was a lofty goal...my house is 4000+ sq. ft. so for mie to have expected to do the whole thing that's crazy.  I did finish the kitchen (except behind the fridge) and we did the girls room over the holidays, so I made some progress.
• Catch up with scrapbooking (I'm 4 years behind - and my son is 4...)  Yeah, my son is now 5 and we are 5 years behind...
• Do some gardening - set up where I want to have my flower gardens and vegetable gardens in the future not done either.  I just can't figure out where to do the gardens in the yard...  
• Setup my home office (right now its a catch all) Still a catch all and right now a staging area for Christmas decorating.  
• Spend super time with my kiddos, with lots of crafts, baking, and reading books.  I'd also like to figure out how to regularly get my kiddos to the pool, which I couldn't do by myself per state regulations but I wouldn't even try - that's a disaster waiting to happen. This is why I didn't do much work on school - I spent lots of time with the kiddos.  I didn't get to the pool as often as I would have liked but we went to the spray park nearly every weekend and did lots of other activities to spend time together.  I cross it out only because I did do well on this but it's obviously something that is ongoing.
• Mop the floor.  Maybe even everyday.  Who was I kidding?  Everyday?  Not quite, but I do mop it once a week or so which is a great improvement.
• Work on a project with my husband. Not sure which project I thought I'd work on but we did a few things together.  We did plant some flowers in the front yard so that was cool.
• Take a shower every day. Well, at least every other day.
• Get in shape physically.  I want to try to shoot to run the half-marathon at a Dallas area lake with a fellow foster/adopt parent who does it as a fundraiser (or, at least on behalf of what she's doing).  This would be no small feat as the farthest I've ever run was a mile and that was a very big stretch for me.  So, I'll settle at first for walking more with my kids.  I wouldn't say I'm in shape at all, but I did run 5.2 miles in the last leg of the Dallas White Rock Marathon Relay.  That was a HUGE accomplishment and I'm super proud of myself for doing it.  I haven't run since, but I want to keep training for different events including the one I mention above.  To make sure I'm not too distracted though I've committed to finishing my degree before taking on other projects like training for the White Rock n' Roll half.
• Get my craft room organized. How do you write out that under your breath laugh?  
• Sleep more. I did this....besides spending more time with the kiddos I definitely got more sleep.  That was beautiful and the biggest thing holding mie back from getting back into doing schoolwork at night.
• Get ready for baby Well you all know how that turned out.  

So - here goes nothing!  Wish mie luck and hold mie accountable!

Foster Parent Friday - How does daycare work?

I received this question from a sweet friend.

Q:  Do the kids come to you already having a daycare situation and you have to keep that up? Or do you plan their daycare? Or can they stay home with you if they are younger than kindergarten age? And what are your thoughts on having them home with you if you were a stay at home mom?

A: This is really 2 different questions, but I can answer them both in one post I believe.

1. How does daycare work within CPS - who qualifies, how does it get paid, etc.
2. What are your thoughts on being SAHM with foster children.

First - My response to this has to come with a caveat that my answer is based on rules in my area and though I'm guessing it all works similarly in other states/counties and with different agencies, I just don't know how it works elsewhere.

In our area, daycare is provided by the state (kind of) for foster children in homes with either a single foster parent who works full-time or in a dual-parent home when both parents work full time.  The parents can be self-employed or employed by another employer and daycare will be provided as long as it is full-time employment for each parent.  School does not count as full-time employment.  Recently due to the budget cuts and presumably known fraud/waste, foster parents in our area are required to prove their employment.  This doesn't bother mie - it should be easy to prove that you're working if you are indeed actually working.

If you qualify with this rule then daycare is provided.  Of course, children who are school-age do not need daycare, so daycare is only provided for infants, toddlers, and preschoolers.  Daycare is NOT provided for school-aged children in the summer - foster parents are on their own with that.  (This doesn't affect us, we aren't accepting school-aged children).   After-school care is also not provided for school-aged children. 

So, if you have parents that work full-time and you have children that are younger than school-aged, daycare is provided.  When I say daycare is provided, that means that it is provided...as long as there are funds available.  Daycare eligibility and funds are managed by the county department that manages the welfare-style daycare programs that are available to low-income families and those who are in workforce programs (in other words, they are unemployed and are looking for work and may be attending a work-training program).  Foster children are automatically qualified (according to the rules above), so your family income is not considered in the eligibility process.  Supposedly, in our are anyway, the daycares have an agreement with the daycare providers that says they will accept the payment agreement as dictated by the workforce management group (in our area it's called CCMS or CCS, let's just call it that).  When you sign-up at the daycare then, they get a notice on how much they will get paid and how much the parent co-pays.  I have never had a copay.  I think foster parents are not supposed to have a copay.  That being said, I would venture to guess not all foster parents are aware of this rule and that some daycares get away with charging a copay to foster parents.

Daycares don't get paid much for foster children through CCS.  My first daycare was a home daycare and she said that she got paid $70 per week per child.  I don't know if that's true, but if it is, that's $280 per month per child - about 1/3 of the going rate of childcare around here.  I don't think she was doing it right for a lot of reasons, but I do believe they end up getting paid less than they would for a regularly paying parent.  Keep that in mind.  I ended up leaving that daycare at least in part because I was told on more than one occasion that they could be having full-paying children instead of mine and there were certain favoritism-type things happening because of it (like, my children weren't napping or visits interrupted naps and she couldn't have her full-paying children or parents upset by that).  We found a new daycare.

Speaking of finding daycares - CCS only pays for people who are approved by CCS.  With the low-income eligible parents they could choose pretty much anyone who wanted to be set up with CCS to receive payment, including relatives who were willing to care for their children.  With foster children, the daycare provider must be a licensed facility (could be a home daycare) that is setup to receive CCS payments.  Oh, and not only that, it has to accept the CCS payments from your county.  I live on the border of two counties.  We are licensed in one county and our home is located in the other.  Our first has was in the county we are licensed in.  Our daycare is in the county our new home is located in.  Oh my was this frustrating.  Bottom line - you are limited to what daycare you can choose and hopefully you can find a good one.  The school my son and daughter go to doesn't accept CCS, so when I get a new placement the foster children go to a different school.  That's not by choice, per se, but I like the school my kids go to and am not going to make them leave to move them to a facility that takes CCS.  Therefore, our schedule sucks regarding daycare drop off and pick-up and frankly my foster children attend a school that is not nearly as good as the one our permanent kiddos attend.  I don't like it.  It is what it is.  I could send my foster kids to the same school as Logan and Summer, but then I'd have to pay for it - about $180 per child per week.  I suppose I could make it work, but it would definitely limit the number of kiddos we could take.  So we deal with it as is.

The foster parents are solely responsible for setting up daycare as long as they follow all the rules I set out above.  You set it up then you tell the caseworker where the child will be.  That's pretty much all their involvement in daycare selection.

OHHHHH, it takes 2 weeks to setup daycare payment after placement.  That's an average, it could take more or less depending on how competent certain people are in the process.  So, in the meantime the foster parents are responsible for paying for daycare out of their pocket (or, better said, out of the foster care payments, which haven't come yet, so really it's out of the foster parents pocket).  We set aside money for this each time or, if we don't have it at the moment we figure out childcare between the two of us for the first few weeks.

Second Now that you know how to qualify, setup, etc., daycare as a foster parent you have a bit of insight into what happens when you are a SAHM.  Plainly, if you aren't employed full-time (or your spouse isn't) you don't qualify for daycare payments and if you decided to put children in daycare then you'd have to pay for it yourself. 

This is a different question of course than whether or not you should be a SAHM when you're
This is a different question of course than whether or not you should be a SAHM when you're a foster parent. I think the conversation is exactly the same as the one you'd have with biological children. You weigh all the same factors. If you believe you should be a SAHM to your biological children you'd probably believe the same with your foster children. There are a few more complicating factors that I'd argue most of the time indicate SAHM is preferred over working for foster parents. First are all the appointments and visits and such. If you work the county provides transportation to visits, but the rest is on you and you already know how many visits and stuff are required. I think its more rare than not to find a job that allows you to be flexible in this way. I'm blessed in that I have that flexibility. If you have a normal 9-5 kind of job - maybe a teacher or retail job or something like that - it may be more difficult to manage all the appointments especially if they track your "butt-in-seat" time. As a human performance person I could go on and on about that, but its a topic for another day.

The other complicating factor is in existance with biological kiddos but is probably more intense with the trauma foster children have experienced and their reactions to that trauma. Many SAHMs find themselves struggling with certain behaviors with their kiddos and they wonder if they should work to get a break. Many working moms have found that they're better parents when they get a break to work outside the home. It's the same discussion with foster children. Sometimes foster children benefit from being in an environment like preschool where they can be with peers and have a different authority figure during the day than mom or dad. Sometimes that's better than being home all day with mom. Sometimes, that's a really bad thing. Some foster children (just like biological children, but more intense) have behaviors that get them kicked out of daycares.

So my answer here is that SAHM vs. WOHM discussions with foster care are similar to those with biological or adopted children. I probably lean toward valuing SAHM in most situations vs. WOHM with foster children as I would with biological or adopted children. That being said if you're a 2-parent or single parent home where every adult works full-time, that doesn't exclude you from being a great foster parent and in some cases that might be a better situation for some kids than a 2parent home where mom is a SAHM. It just depends. Depends on the kids. Depends on the parents. You as the foster parent do have the option to do either, pending you follow the rules above and your budget allows for it. It's really up to you and your family.

Tuesday's Tears - Logan's First Day of Kindergarten

 Monday, August 22nd, was Logie's first day of Kindergarten.  Wow - I can't believe how he has grown and that he is ready for kindergarten.  I had been eagerly awaiting his first day of kindergarten, prepping him for being a "big boy" and starting real school.  He kept telling me he wasn't ready yet, but then as the day arrived he was so happy to go to kindergarten.  He was a little shy, but probably more because I was making such a big deal about it than anything else. 

See his uniform?  He loves wearing the uniform.  He's a big boy now and gets to wear the uniform that the big boys get to wear.  We (I) had so much fun shopping for them and trying the different sizes on.  When he finally had the whole outfit on with the right sizes - oh I wish I would have taken a picture - he was so happy and proud of himself.  I wish I could capture that moment forever.

The night before school we didn't arrive home from our trip to California until around 9pm.  By the time we got settled and all the little kids to bed it was 10pm.  Surely this was not ideal on the night before the first day of school, but we did the best we could with what we had.  He took a shower and got all spruced up.  He shaved and brushed his teeth and combed his hair before bed.  I told him I'd iron his uniform so there wouldn't be any wrinkles.  He told me he was going to look great for kindergarten.  I agreed.

Before he went to bed he told me that he was going to wake up early and brush his teeth and then wake me up.  That was at 11pm.  I know he was awake still at 1am.  I also knew that he wouldn't be waking up as early as he thought he was.  (I on the other hand had to wake up really early to take #7 & #8 to school in time for a visit). 

On his first day of school I would have liked to have made him a big yummy breakfast but because of said visit I didn't have time to do that.  Instead, I made him a great big bowl of sugary cereal and had him eat before getting dressed.  I sat with him and talked.  Daddy woke up (after only a few hours of sleep) to share the morning with us and admittedly I was probably more excited than anyone but Logie was certainly excited. 

Logan's cousins stopped by to see him and to say hi to grandma mom before their first days of school.  One of them was starting intermediatte school - what a big boy.  Logie wasn't dressed in his uniform yet so they didn't get to see him but he was able to see that his big boy cousins wore uniforms too.  So he promptly got dressed and boy was he so handsome.  We took a few pictures at home before heading out the door on our way to kindergarten.

Logie is attending private kindergarten because he's not quite old enough to start in public school.  This of course just means I will have to figure out how to get him into public 1st grade next year, but that appears to be easier than entering kindergarten early.  This has its good and bad sides.  It wasn't quite as big of a deal for any of us to have him start kindergarten because he's not at a new place - he's at the same place he went for pre-K.  He and I had both met the teacher before and he knew where his classroom was.  He also had a friend of his going into kinder with him, so it made the transition much easier.  On the other hand, we missed out on the whole public kindergarten send-off.  I'm not sure if that's good or bad.  Either way I tried to treat it just like if he were entering public kindergarten.  We took lots of pictures, walked him to his class, showed him around his classroom, found his name everywhere, found his seat, and talked to the teacher for a little bit.  I think this all made it more of a celebration.  Despite this being Tuesday's Tears I didn't actually cry.  I'm just so proud of the little guy.

Because grandma mom had driven back with us from California, she was able to be here for his first day and happily went along for the ride.  And, we got to get this picture too.  That worked out well :)

I couldn't wait to pick him up from school yesterday.  Unfortunately it was later than I would have wanted, but nevertheless it was still just as joyous.  He ran to me and jumped in my arms like normal.  I love that.  Then we talked about his day and I greatly enjoyed his willingness to share with me.  He learned new "big boy and girl" rules.  He learned about lines on a paper and how we're supposed to use them to help us write.  (He was amazed I knew that - he said "were you there the whole time?"...no I just saw the chart paper with the notes on it ;-) ).  He drew us a picture with writing on it.  He only got in trouble once for not being quiet during story time. 

Now I'm nervous about what will happen next year - really nervous.  But I know it will work out in the end and I'll figure out next year's plans later.  Right now I'm just enjoying my kindergartner.

Left-Handedness, Mirror Writing, and What?

You probably have seen my recent rant informative post on the educational challenges opportunities we have in our family in which I may or may not have expressed my disdain concern for the nonsensical stupid irritating interesting policies that impact the educational future of my children.  That post started out as this one and then morphed into something different but I wanted to come back to the original topic.  So here it is.

My super cool son writes pretty well. He can spell really well. He can sound things out phonetically and though in the English language that doesn't always work for you he gets pretty close most times.  And as sweet as he is he usually writes things like "Mom(heart)dad(heart)Logan(heart)dad(heart)mom" or similar really sweet things.  He writes in his notebook.  He writes on paper we give him.  He writes on a writing board or even those little magnetic little board things.  He loves to write and now that he's getting the whole spelling/reading thing a little bit better I think he's really starting to enjoy it more.

He's gone through normal stages of childhood writing development.  You know - writing the letters in all sorts of different places on the page, writing some capital some lower case without reason, writing some letters backwards or upside down at times - normal stuff.  But this weekend he threw me through a loop when he wrote in complete mirror image.  Everything.  with perfect writing skills but everything was mirror image.  I realized what he had done right away and it intrigued me.  I didn't even point it out to him...though I have an education background it's not as focused on preschool writing skills so I had to do my research to figure out what's going on.

I'm so glad I did.  For starters, it's probably completely normal and most likely related to his giftedness.  Interestingly, as I read they gave several examples of giftedness that I, as someone identified as gifted early on, never realized weren't "normal".  Mirror writing (and reading) is a great example.  I honestly didn't realize that this wasn't a skill most people had - I just figured that everyone could do it.  And, I can very easily read upside down, backwards, any direction pretty easily, which works out when reading to others. I  can sit like a teacher in front of a group of kids and hold the book at my tummy, then just look down to read the words (upside down and backwards) to the kids while they look at the pictures without hesitation or difficulty.  Apparently this is a challenge to most folks.  Or, another example they used was pictures of hands...there was probably 20 drawn images of hands in different positions and the challenge was to figure out what hand it was (right or left)...apparently most folks have trouble with that or really have to think about it...I didn't need to I could "tell right away".  Very interesting.  It said most people who have "mirror writing abilities" (?) have a parent with the same ability.  Gotcha.

In any case - I was lead to a website about left-handedness which apparently is also highly linked to mirror writing.  Our son is left-handed.  In case you are wondering, I am not though I am left-hand/foot dominant in sports with the exception of throwing and due to a broken right arm in 4th grade I can write with my left-hand.  In any case - this website was fascinating and proposed all sorts of things I never thought of before.  So, I'll be more considerate of my lefty moving forward.

One thing stuck out though - about peeling vegetables or fruitt (scroll down on the link) - seriously? You're supposed to cut toward you and not away? I never knew that...

The Education Challenge

I've expressed my son's intelligence before I'm sure.  He's smart.  And I don't just say that...he really has a high intelligence somewhere up between 140-160 in terms of IQ.  I'm not bragging - it is what it is and comes with it's own challenges, not the least of which is finding an educational option for him at his level even though he's only 4.  The state school systems are often setup better to assist children with learning difficulties or disabilities that place them on the slower end than they are to help the "gifted" children who are highly advanced, and all my mommy friends who have kiddos that struggle in some way with learning can testify how difficult even that can be.  The theory is that children who can be identified as gifted and talented have a leg up on everyone else and therefore they'll be fine - let the resources go to those who need it who happen to be either the lowest common denominator, average, or those who have identified learning challenges.  "Superstars" can fend for themselves.

Of course, they can't actually.  Kids like my son are not only highly gifted intellectually but also, often as a result, struggle emotionally or socially.  They often are intuitive beyond their years and don't fit in with kids their own age.  This is a challenge for the educational system (and for parents) - what do you do with them?  Do you allow them to advance at their own (often rapid) pace - then what?  Do you move them through the grade system faster than others so they end up being years younger than other kids in their classes?  Do you keep them with their own age knowing they will either not fit in or they will limit their own ability to "be like everyone else"?  How can teachers manage them in their classes while helping those who are learning on the "average" pace?  Is it even possible to do that?  Instead should you have special classes or special schools where these children are isolated with others "like them" and then what? 

When you break it down, the challenges are very similar to those experienced by children who have learning challenges or difficulties which is why more and more programs/schools/districts lump giftedness and disabilities into a single department often nicely worded something like "special programs" or "learning differences".  Bottom line, all of these kiddos need special help to develop on their own pace/schedule and according to their own needs and it is very difficult to figure out exactly how to do that in a school system that is designed for the masses.  I don't have a solution here - I unintentionally got off a bit on a ramble.

I too am "gifted" and lived through this growing up and the thing about giftedness is that most often times the kids know what's going on and are very perceptive to how they are different than others and are a bit burdened, even at a young age, with balancing "maximizing your potential" with humility and grace.  So I'm the gifted mother (who happened to pursue a few graduate degrees in education) of a gifted child and though I'm very blessed to be where I am I'm still trying to figure out how to do the right thing for my son.  Mix that in with being a foster parent to children who are often struggling to meet their potential sometimes because of biological learning challenges and the situation that led them to be in foster care and the challenge becomes more complicated.  Each child needs and deserves their own opportunity to thrive which may or may not make their "challenge" more apparent to their siblings.

For example, right now we are placing our son in private Kindergarten.  He is reading a little, writing a ton, and overall is ready for Kindergarten (actually, probably 1st grade but I'm not pushing it).  Unfortunately his birthday is about a month past the cutoff date for school entry which means he should be starting a year from now, not this fall.  Last year, in pre-k 3 (when he was 3 years old and 3 weeks) he passed the kindergarten assessments with flying colors.  Now he's had an additional year of prek and as a former GT student, a current scholar, and least of all his mom know that putting him into another year of preK waiting to join kindergarten "on-time" will not be good for him.  So, either way I have to pay for school, whether pre-K or K, I might as well put him in kindergarten (and his school agrees).  Unfortunately, this quality Kindergarten does not accept state daycare funds so my other kids go to another school, which is fine but whose K program isn't of the quality that my son will need. 

The plan is for him to go into 1st grade in the gifted and talented school in our district.  Of course, this means that he will first start kindergarten there and then 3 weeks after that test and (if passed) move into the 1st grade classroom (3 weeks after everyone else did).  Let me break that down for you from a gifted perspective - remembering that their emotional/social perception is usually much higher.  Not only will he be aware that he's going into kindergarten AGAIN when all his friends in private K will be going into 1st grade, but he'll be going to a different school where he will by hyper sensitive about being the new kid.  That probably would be fine (at that point, kindergarten, they will all be the new kid), until they test him (which can often be fun for GT kiddos) and if he passes now he gets moved to 1st grade, again being the new kid, this time with a group of kiddos who all know each other - even the kiddos who were new to this class in 1st grade have had a chance to get to know others.  You may think I'm overthinking it - I am but that's how GT kiddos do things.  So then he gets in that class and it will be a better class for him and he's ready and challenged and learning with them like he should have been in the first place.  Why put him through all the drama of putting him in K again and provide a way for him to enter K early OR go straight into 1st grade rather than start K and get moved up? 

Ahem...sorry.  I get a little heated about this.

So, assuming we keep our current kiddos - #7 will be rightfully ready to enter kindergarten too.  If you know our kiddos - it is clear that these two should not be in the same grade even though #7 is smart in his own way.  Not even close.  Nevertheless, next August we will start "first day of school" for both of them in two different schools - he wouldn't be qualified or best served in a school that is dedicated to GT.  So, though they are in the same grade (temporarily) he'd be in two different schools.  Which is probably fine early on but will he feel "less than" or Logie "more than" because they are in different schools?  Like one is "better than" or "less than" the other?  I would hope not and we can do what we can do in our family to honor each kiddos own unique specialness, but there's only so much a parent can do.   Let's say we adopt from foster care all of our current kiddos who are not showing signs of giftedness - then we send our biological son to the gifted school (in my most arrogant accent) and our foster kids to the regular school (in my most evil step-mother voice).  Is there not a worse way to separate your kids and make them feel different rather than like one family?  Oh the dilemmas.

This is not the reason I started this post but, seeing as how long this one is now I've decided to change the title and instead write a separate post on the much lighter topic I started writing about.  We'll see how far I can get into that one without getting overly dramatic or heavy on you.  I decided to go ahead and finish writing this out as a way to give it up and let God take control of all of it.  It is my new life theme you know...