Tuesday's Tears - Mie, the Trauma Survivor

I know I haven't finished the introductions.  You still need to meet (or be introduced to) my oldest two kids.  I'll get back there I promise but I needed to stop and be very real with you all before I continue on this journey.  I'm extremely nervous to do so and intend to share enough at this point for you to understand what's going on around here without adding any additional stress to the situation.

Meet the newest trauma survivor in our family:

Our pastor has been going through a fantastic sermon series this year about real life and it's issues.  In one of the first messages on depression he stated the two most challenging things (stressful, painful, depressing, etc.) were the loss of a significant loved one (spouse, parent, child, sibling) and the loss of a job.  I sat there sobbing, like most other days at church recently, knowing that I'd experienced both within a week.

Most people in my life are aware that I was unexpectedly laid-off on 1/13/16.  As the primary breadwinner (80%) for a family of 8 you can imagine how drastic an impact that has been for us in so many ways.  We're very grateful for the faithful friends and family who heard the news and jumped in with encouragement and support.  A bunch of colleagues have reached out to show their love for mie.  I can tell many of them are worried about mie and my family.  They show concern and compassion.  They express disbelief.  Only a handful know the full picture - that this major life-changing event came just 8 days after my world fell apart.

My world fell apart.  That is not an exaggerative statement.  I'm not yet at a place where I can talk about it all freely with a sense of peace that I'd like to have someday.  That day I sat in the middle of the shampoo/conditioner aisle at Walgreens staring at the various bottles for 45 minutes.  I walked into an upscale salon at 6:30pm bawling and begging to take a shower in their steam shower, I'd pay whatever it cost (bless them for hugging mie, walking mie back to the shower, and letting mie stay "as long as I wanted" for free).  I found "whatever" counselor was available to talk to mie at our church's counseling office in the middle of the afternoon so I could get enough wherewithal to make it home for my babies that night without allowing my trauma-induced overflow to spill all over my sweet kiddos. 

1/5/16.  I could have never prepared for that day even if I'd tried.  A normal day by all accounts, getting back into the swing of things after the holiday break.  While looking for a file of foster/adopt conference presentations I offer to send to a friend putting together a large event, I came across an email, the contents of which were completely unexpected.  And devastating.  And not even remotely close to the worst of what was to come. 

Ultimately, through the day and over the next several weeks I learned about the true state of my marriage.  What I thought was a normal, mostly-happy marriage was anything but and more precisely was an all-too-carefully created image of deceit.  I learned that our marriage was infested (yes, that's the right word) with infidelity.  I have still yet to have full disclosure (a formal process in the se*ual addiction recovery process) so I do not pretend to know the full truth of it all but with what I do know at this point I can confidently say this has been "here" since well before we were married.  I'm sure I'll get into this more over time but for now the point is that this is my reality and it's left mie broken (as expected).  I was also gifted with actual PTSD.

Recap - In the first few days of the new year I lost my marriage (as I knew it), my husband (as I knew him), my understanding of my family/faith/beliefs/knowledge, and my sanity (as I knew it).  Just over a week later I lost my job, 80% of my family's income, my health insurance (and access to mental health treatment and the awesome recovery treatment my husband needs), my place away from my kids for a bit each day, friends & support network, and the general feeling of security that someone might have after working for the same company very successfully for nearly 14 years.  I also lost my legal program which gave mie easy access to some of the best attorneys in our area, most of whom I know well and could have called within minutes had I wanted to.  Losing my job also meant an ungodly amount of paperwork and legwork necessary to just keep things afloat like getting daily-required medication in the first couple weeks of a new year for my 3 special needs kids who needed a new primary insurance with secondary foster-care medicaid while I had very little coping skills and surety about my life.  And PTSD.  Just as an example.

Within a matter of days my entire life changed.  I am now a SAHM trying to figure out what the flip is next on 20% of the income we used to live on with my preschoolers going to school part-time.  Where I had a sense of control and really succeeding in life, being on the "right track", having a safe and secure family and marriage with a pretty awesome career, I now have just enough for today.  I'm in a bit of a desert, like Moses and the Israelites.  I have no idea what's coming.  I have no idea where my marriage will go.  I have no idea where my career will go.  I don't know what our financial situation will turn into.  I just don't know.

To add to the fun our second car has completely died.  We're now living as a family of 8 with daily therapy, 3 schools, activities, multiple special-needs dr appointments, with one car.  Then the microwave caught fire because, you know...they do that.

Let me not leave this post without sharing the ray of hope.  God had been preparing mie for change for a while.  I didn't expect this, but I knew something was coming so that alone has shown that God is here.  And He is.  He's provided for us in ways I keep learning every day and I'll struggle for the rest of my life to adequately describe.  My husband is in therapy.  I am too.  No promises, but I'm committed to walk the path toward wholeness and reconciliation, learning to trust God like no other time in my entire life.  I've been surrounded by just what I need from friends and family.  The church we moved to in the last year is unbelievably equipped to support our family in ways we wouldn't have even known to look for when we were called to move about a year ago.  God has given mie a new vision for my career (it's really, really fuzzy right now, but there...).  If nothing else right now I know that God is here, that He will never leave mie, that He loves mie.  He is my advocate and my defender.  I can rest in Him despite what seems to be unbelievable chaos around mie.

And that's exactly what I'm doing.

Thankful Thursday - We've Made It...Our Last Day as Foster Parents

I cannot believe we've made it here, to this point, so very far from where we started.

Tomorrow we sign the adoptive placement agreement for our 4 kiddos.  While by itself this doesn't mean our kids are forever part of our family (that happens at consummation, also known as the court date), it does mean they will no longer be foster children.

My kids will no longer be in foster care.

Technically, I will not be their foster mom anymore.  Logan and Summer will no longer be foster siblings.  And, since we're closing our home after this placement, we'll no longer be a licensed foster home.

5 years.  We've been on this journey now for 5 years, licensed for 4 1/2.  In the grand scheme of life that seems so short.  But foster care.  Foster care is invasive.  By nature it permeates your life, your family, and the way you live.  It isn't all bad.  It isn't all good.  But it changes you.  So much has happened in these past 5 years.  In many ways our lives have been on pause, waiting for someone else to do or say something that will drastically change the dynamic of our family, all the while the core of our family has been adapting to the constant change in the wait.  What we've seen, what we know now that we didn't know then, the love and the trauma...we'll never be the same again.

As I sit here and look at the faces of my husband and children I'm so thankful for this segment of our journey.  The road before us is still wide open and we've only begun to travel the path we've been sent on.  Nevertheless, I'm glad to wave goodbye to The System and all that is within it.

I look forward to the relief of finally breathing out after all these years.

Daddy's Dream - Is it THE dream?

My husband and I do not sleep in the same bed at the same time regularly, only 1-2 times a week.  It is a rare treat when we do get to actually sleep next to each other and wake up next to each other.  It is certainly one of those things you take for granted if you get that experience all the time.  For us, it has been rare for most of our marriage.

Nevertheless I still know that we are different when it comes to dreams.  I remember every detail of my dreams.  In part it has to do with the way my memory works and in part because of narcolepsy.  My husband on the other hand rarely remembers his dreams.  We've been married nearly 11 years and I think I can count on one hand how many dreams he's told me about (and I've asked!).  Usually they're nightmares...we all have them.

When we woke up this morning he immediately said "I had the worst dream last night".  This is what he described, from his perspective:

For some reason we were staying with my dad (his childhood home).  You and the kids were all gone to a party or something and me and Baby Baby were home by ourselves.  I saw a crack in the wall and went to go check it out in the backyard.  When I looked out there I saw it was really, really stormy.  There was a lot of rain and wind.

At this point I thought he was going to tell me that I was in a car accident with the kids and we died.  But he didn't.

It was really bad, the flood waters were rising and it was getting worse.  I went to check on Baby Baby who was sleeping in (my youngest brother's old room).  I could tell the front half of the house was ripping off.  By the time I got there the bedroom was almost completely gone and half of the crib was gone.  I reached in and grabbed him just in time.

I don't know if you believe in supernatural things like prophetic dreams.  I certainly do but not to the point I think every.single.dream is a message from God himself. 

However.  In this case I wonder.

This dream precisely describes our case right now (except maybe my husband's dad's place...).  There is a fierce storm going on.  This is definitely the hardest case I've had and will be one that is fought to the end (I think).  Our kids are safe in our home for what feels like once in their life.  Our children are healing in a way that I can't describe unless you're there.  Baby Baby knows no other parents.  He doesn't.  The kids do not want to go live with their birth family.  They pray about it every night (on their own, not because I tell them to).  On Sunday, one of my children woke up and randomly asked mie "Is this the day I get to go talk to the judge?".  When I said no (where would he get that idea?) he said "awww...I REALLY WANT TO!".  They have had a couple visits canceled recently and they get excited about it.  Everyone "on the kids' side" seems to be in favor of them staying with us (and NOT going home) and the official case plan is termination with unrelated adoption.  Yet, every momentum in this case so far has pushed toward reunification.  Everything I hear from everyone involved along with the way visits have been handled and it appears the judge has leaned (though I haven't been there myself to hear it every week) is that the kids WILL be sent home.  The storm has been brewing for a while and rages on outside the quiet (!!!) safe life we've tried to setup in our home.

Last Friday I got word that something happened in the case that dramatically pushed the likelihood they'll be going home MUCH closer.   I really wish I could share more.  It left me fairly confident (though still not hopeless!) that the kids would be leaving within the next couple weeks, possibly even this weekend.  My heart has been torn in two all weekend.  Caring for these children - watching them make plans for the fall - knowing at some point when I get final confirmation I'll have to break the news that they'll be leaving and heading to a place where they don't feel safe and I don't have confidence they'll actually be safe. 

The storm continues to strengthen but now the flood waters rise and our children are in imminent danger.

Then there's the dream.  Not sure why it was just Baby Baby and not all of them.  The end was very clear though...my husband got there just in time to save him from the storm. 

I don't know what the future of this case holds.  There is no firm, agreed to plan.  People involved are tight-lipped.  I know what I want and I feel like I know what these kids need and yet the fight is on to save them.  We're doing everything in our power but now it is not up to us.  Our hearts and more importantly these children are completely vulnerable.  It has been very, very difficult.

But in the dream....daddy saves Baby Baby.  It was the last minute.  But daddy saves him.

I learned today from folks in the case that return does not appear to be as imminent as it did on Friday.  In fact, several changes in visits and court hearings leads me to believe we've taken a few steps back from return altogether.  This information was shocking.

This journey has been described several times as a roller coaster.  This one will not be over until it is really over.  Up and down, twist this way and that, upside down, up and down. 

Father, I do hope this dream was a promise to us that you will save our babies, even if it is at the last minute, though we'd ask that you save them now before the danger gets way too close. 

Thankful Thursday - Random Support

Have you donated yet?  Well, you should.  Click on the Donate button on the top-right of my page to support Cherub Mamma fight for her family.

As you probably could tell from my last post, now that we're theoretically getting closer to welcoming our newest family members, baby baby's siblings, I'm starting to see how much of a big step it is to move forward.  It's making mie a bit nervous because I want so badly for this to work out for so many reasons.  Also, I'm staring down the barrel that will make mie go from being a mom of 3 to a mom of 6 and though I'm positive I can do it, I'll admit I've become a little comfortable where I'm at (problem #1).

If I'm honest - it's not that I'm comfortable.  Really it's that I have a 5 month old baby, haven't slept through the night except maybe 3-4 times since he arrived, and I keep forgetting that when I'm exhausted by the end of the night and don't feel like cleaning off the kitchen island.  Then I feel lazy and wonder if 6 is going to put mie over the edge.  It's not.  I know that without a doubt.  And then I remind myself I'm just tired because I have an infant with no "new mom hormones" (and yes, that makes a difference in helping combat sleepiness) and no post-partum break from work because in reality, I'm only kind of post partum.

But I didn't come here to complain, I came to celebrate the support I've received in getting ready for the new kiddos. 

(BTW - reach out to your local foster/expectant adoptive parent to let them know you're rooting for them just as you would an expectant mother!  It will mean the world to them, especially when they're expecting "multiples"). 

In the past few days I've had a few reminders that things are going to be ok and I've been really grateful.

First - I needed to talk about our next steps with my hubby.  I made a point to discuss the risks similar to what I wrote about on Monday, except in greater detail.  His response was "I don't see anything happening that will stop us from moving forward.  I know it might be difficult."  This was a very solid answer from my hubby who, at times, can be a little intimidated by out-of-the-norm behavior (and the idea of 6 kids).  He was confident that this IS what we're going to do (if given the chance) and we'll do whatever it takes to make it work.

Second - A sweet friend this morning wrote on her Facebook page about how her newest foster placement has improved so much in the short time she's had him.  Now, that isn't always the case and after 20 foster children (and a handful of RADlets) I certainly understand that well.  But I also know that even WITH the RADlets I've had the behavior, though difficult, DID improve at least a little due to proper care and stability.  There are no guarantees with these new kiddos but I know it IS possible and more importantly, our God is able.

I love that.

A Mouse at the Corner of Ugly and Ugly - Beauty is Still in Sight

We are finally making progress in the attempt to have the siblings come live with us.  Progress - as in I actually have a date (that I refuse to actually write down because last time I did it changed before I made two phone calls).

Now I'm being warned - this behavior may be too much.  Is daycare really the right choice?  This behavior may be too much.  "I'm concerned about the behavior".

I've known about the behavioral challenges from the beginning but as things go (and cases too) when children are moved repeatedly behaviors tend to become overexaggerated.  Behaviors can be scary in some circumstances.  Lifestyle change due to behaviors can be even more scary.  The thought of how our lives might have to change to accomodate these children causes a bit of stress.

Then though there is the compounding fear - what if it IS too much.  What if we have to ask them to be removed?  The thought is unbearable.  It would mean yet another move for these children.  And for us.

It would also mean with certainty baby baby would be moved.  Once the children are together they will not be separated for almost any reason regardless of who has more relationship with whom at that point.

So we stand at a cross-road.  Today for us life is great except we know our baby has siblings, children I've felt like were "mine" from the beginning, who are not with us.  Right before us we have two paths.  One involves bringing the children into our home with the chance of healing, permanency, and hope but the very real risk of chaos, RAD, & ODD.  We are committed to not letting that be a reason to stop us and yet if for some reason it doesn't work out this path is forward only and at some point we would face the decision to let them ALL go, including our baby, or accept the consequences of keeping them all.  The other involves NOT bringing the children into our home because of our fears of what could be.  In the end we'd lose baby baby with that plan as well as they'd seek to find another home for all 4.  This is it.  There's no going back.

I described this whole 5-month process as feeling like a mouse being led around with a piece of cheese in front of my nose.  I see the cheese and I'm pursuing it but as I do I run across this wall and that obstacle.  It's been very hard to find the other end of the maze.  I know that someone is holding the cheese and someone is putting up obstacles.  The challenge is  - I'm not sure who is who.  Is it devinely appointed that we should follow that cheese, that God continues to whisper "keep going - it will be worth it", even when we face obstacle after obstacle designed to keep these children from a forever home that will help them heal?  OR, is the cheese a distraction from something else we're supposed to be pursuing and God continues to save us from that path by putting the obstacles in front of us to protect us?  I honestly feel like it could be either and I'm not always confident as to which way to turn.

I suppose this is where Matthew 6:33 comes into play, that I should seek 1st the Kingdom and everything else will work its way out (my paraphrase), but it's in the practical, daily steps where that begins to be hard.  This does though give me hope.  As I run around in this little maze with cheese and stumbling blocks galore what I do know is that on the other side the true reward remains.  I must run this race, maze and all, with perseverance to obtain the prize and even though today I'm at the corner of Ugly and Ugly, there is beauty where the sidewalk ends.  Of this I am certain.

What the WHAT (?!?) - Trying to decipher this plan...

I wish I could post a picture as the title of this post.  If I could, it would be the following:

Instead, I used the phrase my daughter has been saying recently.  (Where DO they get this stuff?)

So you know about our situation last week that is leading to a disrupted placement for #19 & #20.  You know about how #3's mom tragically died this week and we found out about it on the news.  (Did I mention she was shot in the head?  yeah...).  You also remember the craziness we've been through with #16 (a.k.a. "baby baby") and his siblings who were (sadly) sent back to their relatives by the judge on a technicality (from what I can put together)?

Well it's been rough around here.  It's been hard to put together all of the pieces and get a good understanding about why things have shaped up the way they have.  Why did we have to experience the safety issue in our home when things were otherwise going so well? Why did we need to go through all of that?  Why did my son and the boys have to start the bonding/healing process only to be moved to another family eventually?  Why did the judge send the other kids back?  What will happen to them?  To baby baby?    What's next for all of us?

I have an intense desire to have my life planned out before Mie.  In reality it is planned out so I should be happy but REALLY what I want is to know those plans, in detail, at all times.  That ain't happening and it makes me uncomfortable.

To make a long dramatic story short (about what's happened in the last few days, especially the last 24 hours), the plan is now certainly to have #19 & #20 moved.  Everyone seems to be in agreement with that.  That was "decided" last night.  This morning I contacted Baby Baby's case worker to let her know of the change in our situation.  When we previously accepted the placement I had contacted her first to make sure they wouldn't remove #16 from us if we accepted #19 & #20 so she knew we had them.  I wanted her to know that situation changed, just in case.  Two minutes later she called me back to let me know they want to move the siblings with us but it will take a little bit to get things in order on their end.

There are still some things to be worked out including court orders and licensing.  There is a complication in that when we request our license we are having to request from complete strangers, not our usual worker who is unavailable right now.  I know there is a little concern on their end, not knowing us, about mie being a working mom and having kids those ages.  We're hoping that it all works out.  We really are.  This was our dream situation when we started and we've been hoping and praying since it was presented to us that it would work out.

Could it be that it all works out this way tied with a pretty bow?

Tuesday's Tears: Permanently Changed (RIP)

Last night I went running with a friend.  I've been moody thanks to our recent experience with foster care.  Hormones hasn't helped, nor has extra regular stress. I thought going for a run would be a good way to shake the blues, burn some stress, give myself a mental break, and get some much-needed exercise.

It was.  I spent the whole run listening to a friend, making myself run just one.more.step, and thinking about my blog post today.  I was thinking about telling you how life-changing foster care is.  Many of us say that though we gripe about foster care and our experiences with the system we wouldn't trade our lives.  The kids, the life-lessons, the unshakeable awareness of the world out there that we'd otherwise shield ourselves and our families from are all things that have made us grow as people.

I thought about our recent situation.  We gave the county a little bit of time (2 weeks) to have the children moved from our home because we want them to go to a good place that can care for their specific needs, we didn't want to cause any more harm in the process, and we can keep them all safe in our home while a new home is found. We just don't want to take the life-long risk of further damage to our forever kids or living with this type of extensive safety plan if we don't have to, and we don't, and it will be better for them to live somewhere else.  The county counter-offered by suggesting only one of the children are moved.  This child needs to live in a place where no other children can be harmed.  This would include the bio-sibling who lives in our home.  So, as of now, the plan is to leave the bio-sibling in our home with us.  We'll see how this goes.

What I wanted to tell you though is that it doesn't matter what happens with these children.  Our lives are forever changed.  Having one child leave changes our family.  Having both leave changes our family.  Having both stay changes our family.  Every time we get a call, then bring a child into our home, then keep them for however long they stay, then participate in their forever plan (leave or stay), our family changes.  This isn't always bad but the reality of it is that it cannot be reversed.  I have had 21 children (1 bio, 1 adopted).  They all have been my children.  Knowing that 16 of them have left does not mean they have left our hearts or they are no longer our children.  Sure they no longer live with us but they are still ours in our heart.  They were still my children's siblings.  We have pictures and memories.  We were a family with each of them when they were here.  They might physically leave when they move away but they never leave our family.

This makes our current situation interesting.

But then...

After my run last night I was cleaning up the house with the local news on in the background when I heard about a police shooting nearby.  Unlike most events like this, they actually published the name of the person who had been shot.  I heard it.  I had to rewind to hear the story again, then again to show my husband.

Our lives are never the same.  The children - the families of the children - who come into our lives through foster care are forever part of us.

This person on the news - the deceased person - is my age and I knew her well.  She was the mother of one of my foster children.  The one I wrote this email to.  The one I wrote this about.  She was the one who let this happen.  I knew her, but of course because of the nature of the relationship (and I'm sure how long ago it was that we last talked), I didn't hear about her death from family or friends but instead on the news.

I'm so sad.  The entire situation is sad.  There are children who no longer have their mother, a fact being touted by the media and others against the police.  The reality is that the kids haven't had their mother in a long-time - it wasn't this incident that took her from them - and yet while she was alive there was still hope that one day they would have some quality relationship with her.  Now it's for sure - they won't have a relationship with her.  Half of the media/public is condemning the officer involved - something I am vehemently against both in support of the police AND knowing her personally.  Half of the media/public is condemning her for being a worthless "P.O.S" (I actually saw that) "druggie" "wanted felon" who deserved to die.  Clearly, most of these people didn't know her or her family.  They are people hearing a snippit of the situation and making judgments to make themselves feel better.  The reality is there are two sets of families grieving - the police officers and hers.  And ours, of course, though with the confidential nature of our cases we don't really have a place to grieve.

That, though, is not why I write.  Even years after this child left our home, even years after we spoke to her last as she was looking to me as a mentor & friend to help her mother and stay clean before she took off again, we deeply grieve.  We grieve her loss.  We grieve what could have been for her.  We grieve for our lost child whom we loved very, very much. We grieve the special role they asked us to play in his life forever that we were never able to assume after he left to live with relatives far away.  We grieve for him, and his sister, who will not grow up knowing quality love from their birth mother.  We grieve for our son who to this day asks about him and if he can come to visit - afterall, this woman and her then husband stood in our kitchen and promised him that he would be able to see their son again often.

Our lives will never be the same without him.  Or her.  Or any one of our other foster children no longer in our home.  Or their families.  It won't be better or worse.  It just won't be the same.

(Not) Having it All Together

Yesterday Kim over at It's a Vertical Life posted briefly on the challenge shoes place on their life at home.  In response, I pointed out how awesome I am at keeping our shoes organized, if I do say so myself.  She responded, cracking mie up.  Go check it out.  I love this woman - you should follow her.  Really you should and thank mie later.

So - here they are - our shoes all perfectly in line.

 And I say hush to all you Type As out there who are pointing out that they are NOT perfectly in line because they aren't lined up by size and color and why on Earth are mom's shoes in with the kids instead of in her ginormous shoe closet.  Hush I say.  I don't want you encouraging the Type A in mie to try and tear mie down from the inside.

So as you can see, I totally have this shoe thing down in my house.  The kids are pretty good at putting their shoes away like this when they take them off, or if not them at least when I remind them that they need to put their shoes away.  This is in our main hallway, across from the bottom of the stairs, kind of in the center of it all so my kids always know where their shoes are and they don't need to scatter through the house to go get their shoes from (closets, etc.) when we have -3 minutes to leave the house.  My shoes don't usually go there but I was cleaning up and lazy so they ended here last night.  We don't worry about how many shoes each kid has downstairs as long as they are nicely lined up here.  When they line gets too long (the length of the wall) we narrow down to 1 favorite per kid and put all the rest away upstairs in their closets.  Eventually the line gets long again and we start over.  This system works really well for us.

BUT, lest we get proud over at Mie's house, let me share with you what you see when you turn around 180 to look at the living room:

No, it's not as bad as it could be and yes some of that laundry is mie catching up from all of the stuff the boys brought with them last week when they joined us (seriously - each had 25-30 t-shirts, not counting long-sleeved or the stuff I have on the back of the couches needing to get hung up!).  If I'm honest with you - the couches look like this about 75% of the time.  I always have laundry going when I'm home.  I don't hate laundry - I actually like doing laundry if I don't have to put it away - but the reality is I don't have time to sit and go through the entire laundry cycle in one sitting.  So, it ends up looking like this.

BUT, notice the mantle.  Here's another picture in case you missed it:

"So..." you say...well, until St. Patrick's Day it looked like this:

Yes - those are my Christmas decorations still up through St. Patrick's day.  I'm mighty proud of myself for breaking down Sunday and getting them put away, finally. (in a box in the office, not actually upstairs).

Notice the laundry on the couch.  I have no idea when this picture was taken but I assure you those are different piles than what was there last night.  More proof that is really what my house looks like most of the time.  And, dear Type A, don't go comparing the mantle pictures closely and finding the snowman in the middle of my "After" picture.  Just don't do it.  Clearly I missed the snowman as I sat down to pat myself on the back for finally cleaning up Christmas 3 months later.  I won't tell you that I didn't even notice until I looked at the picture more than 24 hours later.  

Furthermore - if you look at my kitchen it looks like this:

That pile o' crap on the island has taken up permanent residence.  Like the shoes, when it gets too big to stay in one pile I go through it, weed it out to a bare minimum, and then start the cycle over again.  That is the 2nd or 3rd pile of dishes in the sink waiting to be done.  We fill the dishwasher at least once a day and the sink is kind of like a bus stop shelter for dishes waiting for the next load.  Hand wash?  Only my copper pots and pans and stoneware.  At least the dishes on the counter are clean and the visible counters are sanitized.

The turtle tank is the light to the right of the picture.  It is by sheer luck it's not pictured.  I'll go ahead and tell you the moss has started to grow...

SO, long story made longer - judge for yourself whether we have it all together.  Our house is safe and sanitized for the kids but I make no apologies for the lack of complete organization in my home if you stop by for a random visit - or really even if it's planned.  I choose to worry more about reading with my kids, taking them on outings, and letting them live their lives rather than pay attention to the color of the grout or whether the baseboards have been scrubbed recently.  My kids are happy and our family is in the perpetual process of healing.  That's just the way it is.

Once Again - A Family of 7

As you can imagine from a title like that we did indeed get the call for our newest kiddos (#19 and #20, but who's counting?) and they joined us last night.

And what a glorious night it was.  Seriously.  Best. Night. Ever with new kids.

These two are so eager to have a family, it's painfully obvious but overwhelmingly fulfilling to be meeting that need for them right now (and a bit of a red flag for what might be coming in the future post honeymoon).  It's been a while since I've had a good honeymoon period so I forgot what that was like.  I just got off the phone with their CW and was able to sing their praises, again.  Everything really has gone that well.  I'm probably glowing.

(But my eye is red from recurrent allergy-induced pink eye.  Yay!)

We were very concerned about this placement for one giant reason.  #19 is older than Logan by about 5 or 6 weeks.  This is something we were always against though honestly my hubby more than mie.  I didn't mind the thought of having older children too much, that is, until we actually accepted a placement with an older child.  I suddenly began freaking out about what that meant for our family.  It didn't help that Logan changed his mind about having these brothers (before they came) and insisted I call them back and say no because he was NOT having an older brother.  Oh the dilemma in the pit of my stomach.  We prayed that if it wasn't meant to be the whole thing would fall through some how.  We prayed that if it was meant to be the transition would be smooth and the older brother thing would work out.

So far so good.  Prayer works.

Logan enjoyed spending time with his new brothers last night and having met the new "older" brother made him realize that all his fears about having an older brother (being bullied, the brother bossing him around, etc.) was not as guaranteed as he thought it would be and maybe, afterall, wouldn't be so bad.  Especially after finding out he'd have someone in the house that would play HIS kind of stuff with him, like video games and basketball and out in the yard doing boy things.  This might just work out afterall.

They called mie mom before I got home from picking them up.  Very eager to feel part of the family.  (Which I acknowledge is something that will need work over the years).

Work over the years - we do expect this to be an adoptive placement (as much as a parent who has had 21 children "expects" anything).  Rights are supposed to be terminated next month.  We'll see about that.  For now we'll take one day at a time.

This will be our first time with a school-aged foster child.  Having it be spring break makes it a bit difficult to figure out what the next steps will be on that one.  Though in investigating his school background I have found that he previously went to school in the same district we live in, probably making it easier to switch schools but making us live relatively close to the previous relatives he lived with.  There's a chance he will be held back a year, making him in the same grade as Logan, something I'll probably look into sooner rather than later if it's appropriate for him.  You know - maybe as he switches schools he should start out in the younger year rather than be held back next year?  Seems to make sense to me.

I am really happy with all of this right now.  Really happy.  Remind me of that when the honeymoon wears off in a few weeks :)

Maybe (new) Baby?

I have a favorite investigator.  Or, I'm her favorite.  So she tells mie.  Ever since she placed #11 with us she has texted every couple weeks with a new placement opportunity.  We've either been on the list or for whatever reason it hasn't worked out.

This afternoon my dear friend called to ask us if we could take an adoptive placement.  She has a 4 and 6 year old male sibling group that needs a permanent home.  The story started out that rights had already been terminated and the current kinship placement realized they couldn't do permanent care but then it turned into termination is scheduled soon but is a likely adoption since no other family is available.

Placement is needed tomorrow (Thursday).

We haven't been on the list.  We were waiting for a while, enjoying our break.  Frankly I wasn't sure I was going to want to go back on the list.

We said yes.  After a little toil to get back on the list, we're now ready to accept this placement.

Now we wait.  They are supposed to "officially" call in the morning.  They may or may not call.  The placement folks may decide they want to pick someone else, I suppose.  We shall see.

I plan to take the day off with my son to visit a local theme park.  He doesn't know this yet.  It may just be the last day of him being the oldest in our home.  Not sure what to think about that.  Thankfully though I'd been planning on this day off with my son already and it might just work out.  Either way it will work out.

So - we're praying tonight and tomorrow that God's will prevails.  That if these two children are meant to be part of our family then CPU calls us in the morning and it all goes smoothly from there.  Join us will you?

Tuesday's Tears - The Flawed System & Siblings Update

I am desperately trying not to become jaded by the system.  Not to become one of those foster parents and by that I'm not referring to the evil dangerous ones of which I will never be but one of those who are tired of fighting the system.

Our kids deserve better.  They deserve to have someone to fight on their behalf.  They NEED it.

Oh but It. Is. So. Hard.

Last week we finally learned the (initial) fate of our #16's siblings.  I'm told in a text message that court did not go well, that the judge finally ruled on the 14 day hearing (8 weeks later) and with no other rationale the kids were ordered back to the home they were removed from.  I do not know this home.  I do not know the family.  I just know what everyone has described to me.  This is not  a safe place for "my" kids to be.

There is now nothing that can be done about it (in the natural world).  Judge has ruled.  Despite whatever evidence there was to remove the judge has decided it wasn't enough.  Who knows what the reason was.  I wish I could tell you what I have been told about this place.  You would be furious.  I will tell you that it involves multiple dangerous scenarios in the same house, any one of which would warrant removal in many situations.  These kiddos have now lived without any family of their own for 2 months only to be sent back to the place they were "saved" from to begin with.  With all of that said, the investigating agency isn't left with much choice.

Now it must escalate far worse than it was in the past to get ANY help to those kids.  My guess is that there will be no services - the department can't give the perception of harassing the family now that the judge ordered the removal to be unwarranted (for whatever reason).  So if there was drug abuse or domestic violence or mental health issues - all of it can be left unchecked, unsupported, unhealed.  The kids would be left amidst it all.  If it got slightly worse - maybe they're left outside in the cold for a while, they show up to school dirty and hungry, they start showing up to school irregularly - there won't be anything the department can do?  Afterall - it will only go back to the same judge who will do the same thing and send them back.  Again.  It will have to escalate to violence toward the children.  Battered.  Bruised.  Bloody.  Probably multiple times.  Much quieter, deep neglect.  Even then...

I have been praying for these children since I knew they existed.  I've been praying they could be all together, including #16.  I've been praying they could come live with us.  Am I disappointed?  Yes, of course, I wish they could be at our home, all together, one big happy family.

But as foster care goes...

I am not even worried about my feelings.  The sadness I thought would be there for "losing" these children has been non-existent or at least greatly dwarfed by the feeling of despair and fear I have for these children.  I am genuinely concerned for them.  My heart hurts for them.

On paper adoption with us looks better for #16 when the siblings are where they are today.  The reality though is that with the judge's ruling as it was the future for baby baby may not be so bright either.  There will be pressure.  It will be a fight like none other to keep this child safe.  I don't even care anymore (well, I suppose I do some) whether they end up with us or not.

I just want to go to sleep at night knowing their safe, loved, and provided for.

I wish that wasn't too much to ask.

It isn't too much for the One who holds the world in his hands.  Please join us in praying for these siblings who desperately need miraculous intervention and everyone else in the world who through no fault of their own are victims of injustice.  They don't have to stay there...

Thankful Thursday - Stability

Our lives as a foster family lack any sense of normal.  They say in the world the only thing guaranteed to stay the same is that everything keeps changing - oh how true that is in our family.

I just dropped off #17 & #18 with the caseworker.  You know, the caseworker who had apparently never met them even though they had been removed in August and in our home since the end of December.  She knew nothing about them and nothing about us except for that my sister and I look alike.  I suppose that's good so she knew which random person at McD's she should walk up to in order to get the kids she didn't know.  I tried to prepare them the best I could.  I even broke out the Spanish so I knew they understood the words I was saying (we've been trying to teach them English so I've not been speaking much Spanish to them).  #17 was happy to go to his relatives house but I could tell it was a nervous smile and later was proven correct when he bumped his head ever so slightly and the flood of emotions came out. I asked him if he was crying because he didn't want to leave (in Spanish) and he said yes.  I felt horrible.  #18 just sat there with stoicism as she does when she isn't feeling safe.  I could see the terror in her eyes.  I hated every minute of it.

But now we go back to a new reality.  Our core family plus baby baby (who, in case you were wondering, has not had a ruling yet in his case afterall...).  Life is so much easier with our core family and it is remarkable how helpful it is to have the core family together when foster children leave.

Core.  Stable.  They go hand in hand.  Our core family is where our stability is at.  We know we will not leave each other the way our foster children leave.  We will be together as long as God allows.  In this time change, yet again, it is so comforting to have the core family come together again and enjoy each others' company.

This time we plan on going to Monster Jam this weekend.  It will be the first time Summer is old enough to come with us and we've invited a few extras to come along.  Monster Jam is stable and routine; we go every year and it's an opportunity for us to reconnect, have fun, and do something together that carries tradition with it.

We'll probably play games together tonight or help Logan prepare for the upcoming cup-stacking tournament.  We're going to eat Salmon.  Maybe we'll go out for ice cream.  I'll probably let my kids sleep in my bed.

So our life is changing once again.  One way or another I expect it to change again in the near future as baby baby's case receives the judge's ruling.  I hope he stays.  I hope his siblings will come with us.  Neither of those may happen.  Both might.

We really don't know how our life will shape up.  I hope you realize that neither do you even if you're not a foster parent.  But for today we will enjoy our core family, the stable things we're given and the promise that God will never leave us.

More Tears Today

I wrote yesterday's post before yesterday happened.  As I sat I had no idea that my life would take a turn even further into the "no permanency for YOU" world.

We have been waiting for 3 weeks now for a sibling group to join our home.  The people who removed them want them here.  The placement people want them here.  The new workers have been wishy-washy saying "they're not sure yet", so these kids wait and wait.

So do we.

I've turned down an adoptive placement while waiting.

My kids know that these other kiddos are out there waiting.

Baby Baby's future in our home is tied to these siblings so that if they don't come, he will almost certainly leave at some point.  (This is going to kill mie, and my son, and my husband.).

Yesterday we got a semi-answer.  Apparently the state (county) doesn't feel like people can handle 6 kids these ages (we're only licensed for up to 6 years old, so you can imagine what their ages might look like).  They think it will be detrimental for those kids, for our kids, for our family.  (Honestly I'm not sure how concerned they really are about that).

So the impact is that these children wait with NO family while there is a family eager to committ to them permanently, trauma and all.  We have had lots of experience with children these ages, as a large family, with similar traumas.  Yet the desire (I think) is to place them with a smaller family.  This means that they would have to be placed with a family that has NO kids or 1 (Imagine going from 0 or 1 to 4 or 5 with traumatic behaviors?  Jeesh.) or an older family with kids who are older (and therefore they are older, committing to raising at least 4 young ones).  *sigh*  The logic makes no sense to mie though I DO appreciate the desire to think through what's best for everyone.  I just wish they'd actually come see our family in action or maybe even read our homestudy.  Maybe talk to us or people who see us on a regular basis and realize that our family CAN handle this.

The further impact (if they're concerned about our family) is that the kids in our house will leave and 3 or 4 more children will come in a few weeks.  They will leave and 3 or 4 more will come in a few weeks - so in other words my family will have 5 or 6 kids in that age range ANYWAY and there's no guarantee (quite the opposite!) that they're going to have experienced less trauma.

Our hearts are defeated right now.  We did hear from someone yesterday that asked when we'd be ready to take the kids.  I could have been dishonest and not bring up the conversation from earlier in the day and instead said "bring them now!" - then they would have had to justify removing them from my home.  But that wasn't the RIGHT thing to do and if nothing else we're dedicated to doing the right thing for these kids.

I'm still trying to remember that God is in control.  This will work out and the kids will come to our home in the right time or they won't.  God is still on the throne and we can only assume then there is a better plan out there for us.  We shall see.  Thanks for coming on the journey with us.

An Empty Home (Again)

As of Friday our home will be empty again.

We finally faced our first "because the judge said" short-notice removal.  #15 had a hearing on Thursday that overlapped a permanency conference for #14 50 miles away.  I chose to go to the PC instead of the hearing which in hindsight was the right choice but I missed what must have happened at the hearing.  At the PC I learned that #14 was probably going home to a relative right after the holidays (a relative who refused to take him PRIOR to entering foster care but once he was in foster care had to get involved.....) so it was good that I was there to hear that in person.  A few hours later I learned that the judge for #15 had ordered immediate placement with an out-of-state relative, which meant #15 was leaving on Friday.  I'm surprised based on the circumstances we got that much time.

Almost our entire family was in town to experience the foster care drama first-hand.  I had prayed that they would get to see some of the process though what I meant was that they'd see a placement arrive, not a PC with an unexpected twist and an immediate removal.  I tried to explain at how crazy an out-of-state order without an approved home study was, at how unusual that circumstance is especially when ICPC is avoided, and yet allowed them to see some of how it affects our home when we get these calls.  I dropped #15 off at the office on my way to my graduation.  All in a days work.

Today I talked to #14s CW who said though she could move #14 on Friday (before it wasn't going to be until after 1/1) she wanted to wait  because he is sick and she didn't want to move him while sick.  I disagreed and said he needed to be moved because a) this person whom he has a relationship may make him feel better while he's sick than I can b) the relative needs to be able to care for him while he's sick and c) let's not prolong the inevitable.  I win.

On a separate-but-related note, turns out this CW (who I really like) was the CW for #5 and #6.  If you remember, those were the two cutie-patooties we had for just 2 weeks that were moved because we were expecting Summer's brother.  She remembered us when she called and gave me and update on the girls who, surprise surprise were adopted by their next placement.  In other words, if we didn't have them moved since brother didn't come anyway, we would have adopted #5 and #6.

This is starting to wear on mie.  It's not the kids or the system or the impact it has on our family.  I'm wallowing in my self-pity wondering why-on-Earth WE can't have permanent members added to our family through birth or through adoption.  Why???  Why have we had 7 placements so far this year, 5 of whom came and left in the last 4 months.  I completely support foster care.  I completely support reunification or family placements.  I completely support all of the kids in our care by being a great active foster parent.  We have a great home and a great family.  We're at least decent parents.  WHY CAN'T WE HAVE PERMANENCY?

It's really bumming mie out.  I'm sitting around hoping that we can get a call soon for "the perfect" placement - you know the one that fills our home to capacity with great kids that are going to stay forever.  And then to top it off get a surprise pregnancy with twins or triplets that just puts the icing on the cake.  (yes, I have weird fantasies).

Honestly, I think I know why.  In my deepest heart that I try to repress I feel like if we become full then the flow of children through our home would stop.  Maybe God only wants us to be foster parents because if our home fills to capacity permanently then the ministry we have as foster parents would stop.  Maybe we're supposed to be that family that has 1000 children on our journey.  All ours, but not really, you know?  Just as I've never been able to imagine being pregnant for the last time I'm not really able to imagine the time coming when we take our last call for a placement either because we close our doors or our home is permanently full.  Is this God's plan?  I don't know...but I have my suspicions.

So, this is where I am today.  Things are good.  Life is good.  I'm incredibly aware of how blessed I am as a mom to a 6-year-old who came home on Friday and everyday since.  I'll continue to try and focus on my blessings rather than my problems as I usually do but I can't completely ignore the tug at my heart that wants to scream "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!".  It's not.  That's just the way it is.  On the other side of this journey I do believe we'll have a more complete picture of our lives' stories.  And I know that it is and will be worth it all.

Thankful Thursday - #12 is here!

Our FAD worker came over to visit last night.  This particular individual in the system works to make sure our home is in compliance and that we have everything we need.  This is similar to a caseworker at a private agency except that it's not a private agency - it's still the state and tied directly to DFPS.  This particular individual is nice and our visits our always pleasant.

Just so you know how this goes, he sat at our island most of the time.  Our kids bugged him (he's nice about it) by incessantly showing them the same toys.  I sat and cut up chicken and prepared dinner.  My husband went between our kids and the island as needed.  We answered questions.  We kept moving with our normal life.  This time he surprised us with an impromptu inspection, something he usually doesn't do.  He checked our weapons, our medications, and our chemicals to make sure they were taken care of and stored appropriately.  He was here about an hour.

As he walked out the door, literally, the phone rang.  Since my hubby and I were together I had a pretty good idea about what was coming next.  My hubby answered (darn him!  how did he get to answer both CPU calls this time?) but he quickly handed the phone to mie.

It's a baby girl.  Not a newborn, but still a baby.

She is a hoot!  She cracked us up.  My sister's foster baby is the same age and they came by to see our newest addition.  The two of them played and loved on each other and laughed.  It was fun.

We'll see what adding two new kiddos to our family does to our schedule and life.  For now it's the exciting honeymoon phase.  Love it.

Waiting - Placement Calls and other...

When I had 4 moles dug out of my back and stomach last week the doctor and his assistant reiterated about a million times:

We will have the results Tuesday or Wednesday.  We always call...no matter what we always call.  We'll call until we talk to you.  We're kind of annoying.

It is now Thursday, I haven't heard a word.  I called yesterday afternoon but got their voicemail.  Since I was headed to another round of endless meetings I figured it wouldn't help to leave a VM - they'd call when they'd call.

Hmmm.

We went on the placement list 2 weeks ago tomorrow.  No calls yet.

So I sit waiting except I don't really "sit" ever, especially waiting.  I am kept pretty busy with the things of life and when I do find a moment to not be preoccupied I find something to preoccupy mie, like mopping, endlessly checking Facebook, or staring at the phone as if to will it to ring.

I'm having a hard time being patient, not for worry's sake but more to get on with things whatever they may be.  I'm trying to learn to enjoy the moment. (and finish my dissertation).

(To make matters more comical and/or interesting, I downloaded an app for my son that plays "cop noises" -  sirens and the sound of code being sent over the radio and such.  Somehow the sound of the officer talking over the radio was exchanged for all of my otherwise unassigned ringtones so I sit waiting for the quite startling sound of a police officer suddenly speaking over the radio.  Lovely. I could change it, but apparently that hasn't been one of the priority things to preoccupy myself with because its been that way for a few weeks and I've done nothing.  To put it in perspective, the only other sound coming from my phone as a ringtone is my son saying "Mommy can you please pick up the phone it's daddy", which was my husband's attempt to get mie to answer the phone more often when he was calling.  He figures I can't ignore my son's voice.  He's right.)

Waiting for a placement has got mie thinking - when have I received calls in the past?  Is there a more popular day or time?  I've already done a post on how long it takes to get a new placement but this is a different spin on the same topic - waiting and the torture it brings.  So, here's the analysis (by placement)

#1 - Saturday night at 11:45 pm.  They arrived at about 1:30am.
#2 - Tuesday night at 6:00pm.  He arrived at about 7:45 pm.
#3 - Thursday morning at 9:59 am (precisely).  I had a phone interview scheduled and I thought the ring was the interviewer except it wasn't - 2 minutes later the interviewer called and I had to postpone the interview.  She arrived around 1pm I believe.
#4 - Thursday night at around 6:30pm - I was in class.  This is the first and only placement where my husband answered the initial call.  They arrived around 9:45pm - they were from far away.
#5 - Friday at around 3:30pm - the same day #4 went home.  They arrived the following Wednesday during the day, I believe.
#6 - I honestly cannot remember when the placement worker called me for these two.  I believe it was Thursday but might have been a Wednesday.  It was during the day because I remember talking the caseworker while I was at work.  So weird.  I do know they came the following Wednesday at around 4pm.
#7 - ???

I've told my husband that I can't picture getting another call.  I know it's strange but I just can't imagine what it will be like if/when CPU calls.  So strange.

Of course that made mie think that it's been over 2 years since I answered a CPU call with an emergency placement - #4 was an emergency placement but hubby answered that call and the one before that was #2 - all of the others since have been transfers from other foster homes. - Just another interesting tidbit I ponder while waiting...

Back to the core...

#9 & #10 went home this morning. They were supposed to be picked up at 9 in order to get them to their mom at 10. At 8:15 I got a call from the transporter who was at their school (with a bit of a 'tude, I might add) wondering where they were. I explained I had the agreement to come to my house at 9 in writing and she agreed to wait a few minutes before coming over.

 As a side note, caseworkers always seem to be late when it comes to everyday stuff but without fail when it comes to sending them home they are always early. What's that about?

We quickly wrapped things up, took our last picture together as a family, and walked them to the door when she arrived. She insisted we let her take them outside instead of us helping her get them to the car - this really upset mie, not because I needed to help her in the car but we ALWAYS stand together as a family on the porch and wave goodbye to the kids as they leave. ALWAYS. Frankly she couldn't really tell mie I couldn't do that in my own house but I wasn't up for a fight so we said goodbye and closed the door.

That's always a surreal moment. At one minute we have 4 kids. The next we have 2. One minute they're our family, the next we might never see them again.

My daughter asked repeatedly where the kids went and when they were coming back. Since then it's been a melancholy day. My son kept asking where everyone is, meaning the people who were supposed to be here (not the kids who left). Eventually we figured it was just so much more quiet than we're used to.

So we went to Chick-fil-A for lunch. It's not quiet there.

 Then we went to Target and bought this:

We set this up in the 105 degree heat.  As we did we watched as a summer storm was developing and inching closer, threatening to ruin or at least delay our plans to enjoy this thing.  Eventually we decided it was ok to go ahead and let the kids play, my daughter and son and my nephews, since there was no lightening in the immediate area.

I sat here on the porch, enjoying sitting with my mom who was in town, watching the kids just play and play and giggle and have a bunch of fun.  No chaos.  No screaming.  No little tiny kiddos I had to sit with in the water or help up and down the slide.  Just them having fun and mie sitting back watching.

See mie watching?

(See the unlocked can of mosquito spray?  The joys of an "empty" home.  I should have put it on too because I got a dozen bites that afternoon and I'm highly allergic.)

It took forever for mie to figure out how to take this picture with the iPad.  It's not mine - unless you consider that everything that is my husband's is mine too.  

It took even longer for mie to get this picture on this post - 2 weeks to be exact.  Apparently you can't just take pictures from the iPad and post using blogger...

2 weeks.  We took a week off before going back on the list.  We enjoyed every minute of it (and tried to clean some too).  Another week has passed.  No calls.  No new family members. 

Just us, enjoying our core family.  As always we could get a call any minute to take in some new kiddos.  We'd probably say yes.  But for now, we're happily living as a family of 4.  It's easier that way.  

But easy isn't always best.  Here's to enjoying a break and preparing for the foster care circle o' chaos that ensues with a new placement. 

You know...things like putting away that can.  I promise I'll put it away before I get a placement.  

Tuesday’s Tears – Sending Kiddos Home

We finally have a date for our current foster kiddos to go home.  After one more transition visit (overnight) they will come home to us one last time before leaving Friday morning.  This brings us really mixed feelings.

Let me point out that generally we are excited about this transition.  Very excited.  It’s always nice to see the system work in that the children get to go back home to their mother (or father, or whomever they were removed from).  It’s nice to know that people can change and get 2^nd (or 3^rd, or 4^th…) chances in life (sometimes).

Transitions like this bring so much possibility with what could be for our family.  As we go down to 2 kids I see even more outings that are easier to manage.  I want to take my kids to see the newest Ice Age movie and can only imagine how much easier it will be with my 2 than the current 4.  I’m looking forward to cleaning and organizing my house, having more cuddle time with my 2 forever kiddos, and maybe a few later-night ice cream or pool parties.  Maybe pulling out the tent and having a sleepover with them.  These are things that either can’t be done with fosters or are very difficult to manage when you have a bigger family.  My kids get along very well so I look forward to them playing together and building a closer bond as the other playmates leave.  And though the kids I have are generally good kids there are certain behaviors and challenges with these kiddos I will not miss at all as they leave.  Our house will be much less screamy.  My back will be less strained.  These are all the benefits of losing them from our home but we also look forward to the way our family can develop after they leave.  When will our next call be?  What type of placement will it be?  How many?  What ages?  What gender?  There are countless possible answers to those questions to daydream about.  There will be one specific answer – our next placement.  That is all very exciting.

Typically as transitions near my husband and I relish in the benefits of children leaving.  If you hung around us much you might think that we’re cold and heartless, that we don’t love the children, that we won’t miss them, that we won’t be saddened at all.  This is far from the truth.  We will miss “our” kids – afterall they have been “ours” now for more than ½ a year.  We will wonder what will happen with them.  Though we know they will be loved we wonder how the transition back home, and all the ideals they have in their head, will affect them.  Given our history, we wonder if they will stay where they are going.  This time we wonder how this will all affect our daughter as it is the first transition after her adoption and where she is old enough to realize the difference between permanency in the home and transient relationships (daycare) and yet not old enough to fully understand what is happening or be able to verbalize what she’s going through.  We don’t worry quite as much about our son as this is old hat to him but we do worry about how this all “becoming old hat” will affect him and what we can do to minimize the hurt he feels as his brothers and sisters come and go.  

As we drove to the store last night, after an extended visit, #9 sang mie this song (she likes to sing):

“I’m going to leave you…I’m not coming back…I’m not going to be in your family anymore…I’m not going to miss you”.  Then she laughed. 

Before I say how I feel first let me say I know this is confusing times for her and is expected from any child being tossed from home to home.  These are big feelings for a little one to process and express.  Within the ride to and from the store she also mentioned how I shouldn’t cry (I wasn’t) when she goes even if I miss her because she’ll come back after her visit – “don’t be sad mommy”, about how she had “THIS MANY” (2 fingers) families and how we’re her family and her birth family is her family, and how she isn’t leaving.  She can talk a lot J So she’s confused and probably dealing with mixed feelings and some fear about the uncertainty she faces as we continue through this transition.  I don’t blame her one bit.

But it hurts to hear something like that song.  One hard part about foster care, aside from not being able to guarantee the kids are safe when they leave your home, is to know that you will always be second best.  No matter how much love you pour out, how stable your family is, or even how much “stuff” you can give the kids, there is always a high-likelihood that at some point your kids will reject you as “not the REAL family”.  Forget about those grocery store comments from strangers, when “your” kids point it out it really sucks.  You can pour out your heart into kids over and over again, you can face sleepless nights and countless court dates and appointments, your whole family can open their lives, their hearts, and their homes to welcome you in as an equal family member, and yet in the end when kiddos go home it feels as if it was all wasted because you are rejected anyway.

Of course this isn’t about mie and it’s not all wasted.  There are homes out there that aren’t good homes.  Who knows what could have happened to our kids if they weren’t with us for however long we had them.  Hopefully we helped them heal and learn to trust while they were with us.  Hopefully they had some experiences that were fun and memorable.  Ideally we planted seeds so that in time Christ’s love above all will become apparent.  We have also learned something from each of our placements about how to be better people and better parents.  As we go through transition we hold on to these truths…that we do matter and that it IS worth it…so that the momentary pain of words said (or sung in this case!) out of confusion, fear, and pain are much more manageable and bearable.  It is why we focus (and talk about) the benefits of having the children leave, so that the pain of rejection and fear of the unknown associated with being foster parents can be subdued by hope for what is to come.

Join mie in praying for #9 & #10 and their family, so that as this transition continues it is smooth and joyful, that we have wisdom to share with them to ease their fears, calm their nerves, and help them process those big feelings.  Pray too for our forever kiddos, that they are comforted as their brother and sister leave and that they find solace as we reunify as a core family.  May this be a time of celebration.

Tuesday's Tears - Healthy & Unhealthy Attachment

I may or may not have once had a child who I was strongly concerned about going home.

My current placement is scheduled (well, that's putting it strongly since there is no set date) to start transitioning at the end of the month.  This may or may not be pure coincidence with my first statement.

This concern primarily rests for one child in particular.  The entire time this child was in my home he/she was significantly developmentally delayed.  At the doctor appt I had to take this child to, a hearing test was failed, which we hoped explained the reasons for the delays in speech and other forms of communication, including expressive language which consisted primarily of a raptor-like scream.  Only.  For everything.  So loud it's deafening - no joke.

At said doctor visit this child also failed the autism screening evaluation - which I filled out by answering a series of true/false statements.  The doctor was vary concerned.  I knew which ones were indicators as I filled it out - can't escape the educational background - so I knew as I completed it that he wasn't doing well.  I also was able to tell that the areas this child struggled in that may have indicated autistic behaviors were also caused by 3 known factors - poor hearing, severe neglect, and lack of ability to form healthy attachments since there was significant neglect with the birth parents for a year, then a first placement, then 3 months at our home by the time of the doctor visit.  There were no typical austism indicators, just a whole bunch of related indicators that, as I mentioned, were explained by the other factors of this child's experience.  As a result, the doctor and I (and the caseworker) agreed we'd work on the hearing problem, then see how much improvement the child was making with increased ECI therapy and consistent care in my home, and then revisit the concern about autism in a few months.

I was fully supportive of this plan and assumed getting the hearing fixed plus some additional time in my (consistent, structured, loving home) would help catch him up developmentally and put him on a better track for the future.  It also seemed like a great plan because at the time it appeared there would be 6 months or more in my home before any movement took place, if any did at all.

Fast forward 60 days and things had changed in many ways.  2 more months in our home indeed proved immensely helpful as much progress had occured on the developmental delayed.  A child who spoke no words and only shrieked was now saying 10 words or so, using more signs, and crying regularly at appropriate emotional moments (for that age).  A child who was violent and stand-offish with regular tantrums (and more shrieking), now threw appropriate tantrums, was learning to use his hands and feet with love, giving frequent cuddles, making great eye contact, and demonstrating his desire to be comforted by mie and his daddy.  He was smiling a lot more.  He still had some old behaviors and delays but was making great strides.

It became very clear to mie that the delays were primarily attachment and neglect related as opposed to having some other cause - like autism.  As bonding increased there was a direct correlation with developmental catching up (increased words, less shrieking, age-appropriate display of emotion and play, etc.).  This behavior was not present in visits - instead there was much aggression, fits, shrieking, and disassociation which was all exacerbated by a present sibling who was struggling with his/her own attachment related trauma needs and, therefore, was demanding all of the attention.  When caseworkers visited our home for the first time in a while they noted the difference between his behavior in visits and at our home.

We had not yet seen the doctor to work on the little one's hearing.  I really hoped that fixing the hearing challenges, probably through ear tubes, would give this little guy that extra push to rapidly propel him to catch-up developmentally and help him "complete" his healing process.

The dr appointment came and went with the conclusion that the hearing, though on the lower functioning side, was in the normal range and sufficient for language development.  A conclusion that specifically included a reference to attachment and psychological triggers for developmental delay.  A conclusion that confirmed my growing suspicion that this little one wasn't growing up "normally" due to attachment related trauma.  

This coincided with changes in the case plan so that reunification that was once uncertain and several months off was now imminent in a matter of a few short weeks.  Upon hearing that my child did NOT have a hearing problem I was devastated.  The degree to which his unhealthy attachment in the first year(s) of life had really harmed him, the only thing that could continue to heal was active therapeutic parenting in a stable, committed, home that could handle the child's crazy antics that were exacerbated by the sibling's manipulation and (unintentional) sabotage.  Except now this child was set to go home to a single parent with very minimal parenting skills who became overwhelmed at managing both children during a weekly 2 hour visit.  A parent who loved the children but clearly favored the other one - the one who demanded all of the attention in a more subtle yet destructive way.  A parent who didn't know how to effectively handle the aggression and shrieking and tantrums and bad stuff this child reverted to as default when she was around.  A parent to whom there was no bond and clearly with whom there was an unhealthy attachment.

All of this just as this child was learning to trust us as his primary caregivers.  And here we were - knowing that in a few short weeks we'd abandon him and place him with a virtual stranger with whom he'd demonstrated symptoms of a very unhealthy attachment.  

I did everything I could.  I worked with the play therapist to increase therapy for both children alone and together to help work on things.  I spoke to the doctors to see if there was anything else I could do.  I spoke to the caseworker to see if we could get a psychological evaluation with an emphasis on attachment for the kiddos and their mother and at the very least get them some targeted counseling or support to encourage bonding as the children began transition home.  I spoke to the mother about this child's needs.  I expressed (encouragingly) that it would be difficult but he'd need active parenting to help the bonding process and help him heal.  This parent insisted she would do everything it would take.  Then she insisted everything was fine before CPS to the children away and that she had it all together (parenting-wise) before he left, that there were no problems, and she could do it just fine.

And then I loved this child as fiercely as I could.  I prayed.  That's all I could do.

The story is never finished being written.  I pray this one in particular ends up well and we are able to have peace as we see it unfold.  

Foster Parent Friday - And That's How Foster Care Goes

I told you about my sister's placement.

That darling little girl went to be with her aunt yesterday, just shy of one week after she came home to my sister.  Even though they knew this was likely, they still felt (the same way we all do when we let a kiddo go).  I advised them to do something fun as a family that they couldn't have done with a 10 day old baby and then start anticipating the next call.

Then I left their house.  I left my son with them to enjoy their goodbye festivities.

That's the way foster care goes.  You get a child into your home.  You love them for a day, a month, a year or two, and then they go.  Your life goes on.  You wonder about how their life is going, even when you only knew them for 6 of their first 10 days on Earth.

Sometimes they stay forever, but most of the time they leave physically.  They always stay forever in your heart.  Always.  Even the difficult ones.

I went running last night with a friend.  We had a good run.  I talked most of the time and even though it wasn't about mie it was really therapeutic for mie.  I was in a bad mood.  It was also good preparation because when I was 3/4 done and we were almost back home, my phone started ringing - the phone I almost didn't bring but thought what they hey my hubby likes mie to bring it.

Guess who was calling...

I now know what my sister sounds like when she's calling to tell mie about a new placement.  How cool is that.  A new placement you ask?  Less than 24 hours since the last one went home?  Yep - a new placement.  This time it's an 8 month old little girl.  I finished my run and then headed over with my son (yes, I had picked him up before dinner...).

The CW was still there when I got there and we chatted about mutual acquaintances we knew at the county office.  I told my sister how lucky she was to have gotten a kid out of that office.  She is really lucky.

This little girl is ADORABLE.  And small - not in an unhealthy way - just smaller than my kiddos have been. She smiled and played and interacted.  You wonder how someone could not take care of such a sweet little thing.

Apparently the same way this same person could be pregnant and not take care of this sweet little thing.

That's right - my sister accepted an 8 month old who's about to be a big sister and who's mom is not expected to work services.  This means my sister is likely to get another newborn in a few months (she has a spot available) and will have two sweet little babies.  She's waited for 6 months and within a year will have had 3 kiddos.  Or more...you know how that is.

That's the way foster care goes...